This kid who sat next to me though much of elementary school (thanks, alphabetization!) could draw anything. He could look at something, pick up a pencil, and recreate it on paper. His drawings were so good and so effortless, it was more like he was capturing what he saw and transporting it into a dimension that existed on the pages of his Trapper Keeper.
I was inspired by this kid, and I had a very vivid imagination, so I was constantly trying to draw things that I saw in my head, with …. poor results.
I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t understand perspective, I didn’t understand shading, and I didn’t have the innate ability that this kid and people like him had. I recall feeling frustrated and sad and eventually giving up.
I don’t know what happened to that kid, or if he ever did anything with his artistic talent. He’d be 43 now, too, which is kind of a mindfuck because I can only see him as a 3rd and 4th grader, sitting under the smog-filled sky of Los Angeles in the early 80s, drawing dragons and goblins and space ships on the playground.
Even though I was a child actor, and did a lot of work back then (good work, even), I didn’t think of myself as an artist or a creator until I was in my twenties. When I was a child, I didn’t have a choice about acting, so it was something I did because I had to. I did my best because I wanted and needed to please the adults around me, and because it’s what my parents expected me to do. It was never my choice.
It was never my choice.
Still, part of me wanted to make things where things weren’t before, so part of me was an artist, even though I didn’t know it. Part of me loved to tell stories and make things up about fantastic creatures and worlds and things that existed because I imagined them. That part of me was satisfied by and found a home in D&D, where I made up heroes and a world for them to fight and die in. Part of me was an artist, a storyteller, a creator. I just didn’t know that’s what we called people who liked to do the things that I liked to do. I thought that artists were, like, Picasso (and the only reason I knew that Picasso was a person and an artist was because I heard his name on commercials for the Norton Simon museum in Pasadena when I was watching Batman after school) and that they only did paintings that were either boring or weird.
In my defense, I was like nine years old.
As I grew older, and I slowly came to realize over the course of about fifteen years that I was actually an artist who needed to create things the way a normal person needs to eat food, I continued to express that part of me as an actor, but mostly as a writer (this is all covered in delightful detail in my sensational book, Just A Geek, kids! Buy ten copies and use eight of them to keep warm when the world ends!.)
I work as an actor and a writer now. I produce Tabletop and Titansgrave, and I’ll probably direct at least some short films before the end of next year. I’m still a creator, and I proudly and loudly accept that I’m a capital-a Artist.
…but I think about that kid from school all the time, and I think about how I have always wanted to be able to take things I see in my head, or things I see with my eyes, and recreate them with pens and pencils. Like, I’m really good at taking words and images and using my voice and body to turn them into emotional things for other people, whether I’m doing it on a television or (rarely) on a movie screen. I’m really good at doing it in voice-only situations, and I’m so proud of that that I don’t even feel like a giant self-absorbed dick saying that.
…Okay, I feel weird saying that, but at least I can say it and feel proud of it, and like it’s okay to feel proud of it, instead of the way I usually feel about everything I do.
So this is nearly 1000 words of introduction to get to this picture I drew last night.
It’s not that great, but it’s mostly what I saw in my imagination (the buildings) and the mountains (with my eyes when I was driving home). It was fun to draw it, and there were moments when I genuinely surprised myself. It isn’t perfect, but it’s a thing where there wasn’t a thing before, and I made it.
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In your post above it seems like you might have a complicated relationship with your parents. Is that something you have talked about before?
Since getting into RPG and now that I’m dealing with three worlds (Marvel Superheroes… old school, Pathfinder, and Shadowrun), I find myself attempting to draw. Like you I… always wanted to draw, but it always felt so pathetic compared to others. But I love that I can, in a way, at least put something concrete down on paper in some manageable way. Slowly moving away from only stick people…. except on the SMARTBoard.
I used to be able to draw like that…but then didn’t use it over the many years (I’m juuuust about 43 myself) and now my drawing skills are poor at best…I wish I wouldn’t have let it slip like that. I replaced it with other hobbies though so it wasn’t a total loss…I applaud you at you sticking with trying to get what’s in your head out onto a visible medium. 🙂
There’s the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words.
Just remember, that when anyone reads a word, they picture something in their mind.
Doesn’t that mean a word is worth over 6 billion pictures?
I believe that when we create, painting, drawing, cooking, singing, writing and so on we are in dialogue with our Creator. Which why I founded an art center for homeless youth (Sanctuary Art Center) here in Seattle. It is not about the quality of the creation, it is about the joy of creation. And the more we encourage creativity the freer and more beautiful the creations become. Keep drawing. Delight in everything you do.
” It is not about the quality of the creation, it is about the joy of creation.” Totally awesome summation Mary! My Thanks to you and Wil!
A thing where there wasn’t a thing before is all it needs to be. Good job.
It sounds familiar…
Hey I had a great friend in 3rd and 4th grade who also could draw very well. Yes I had the stick peoples, while he was drawing the Snoopy stuff and was really good at it. He was also very funny and gifted at least in math. I would of been in his 5th grade class but his parents felt i was keeping him from being his brightest. (this is probably true as my special ability in life is too make people dumber!). I just recently got in touch with him and know that he is a regular Catan player and attends trivia contests on a weekly basis. I hope to join him next year for some super geeky games and be on his team on the next trivia night! Anyways this is about you not me. Keep up your drawings, i just spent some time in the Picasso museum and the thing I saw was alot of was a fish. In about 1/3 of his pics there is a fish. So my suggestion no matter what you draw next have a fish or fish bones or something like that in your picture. Good luck.
(ret) CDR Dailey
Worth the thousand word read ;D just to get to that last sentence: “it’s a thing where there wasn’t a thing before, and I made it.” Kind of sums up the whole process of creating art right there. We all need the freedom to create the “thing”, be it good bad or indifferent. No good art can come about unless we feel the freedom to take that chance and “make the thing.”
Nice thing.
This really made me want to draw again. And that sentence; “and I slowly came to realize over the course of about fifteen years that I was actually an artist who needed to create things the way a normal person needs to eat food” ..that hits home.
Thank you for writing about your life. I’m struggling with similar things. I’m an artist, but I can’t do things from memory. Your drawing made me happy. It feels like a happy drawing. I wouldn’t mind if you posted more. 🙂
Just a thought… Have you considered tracking down this guy and telling him how much you remember him and his talent, and hope he’s done great things with it?
If you’re wondering about seeming stalkerish, I can only say that if one of my classmates had gone on to something big and famous and he or she got in touch to tell me I’d impressed him (her) as a kid, I’d be over the moon.
Draw a Unitarian Universalist on a riding mower.
You had fun with it, that’s all that matters
It was fun. That is a pretty cool moral of the story.
You know what? Not only was it fun for you, but I like it. The color choices were really nice. Sure, the perspective is out-of-wack, but that actually makes it more fun to look at. Drawing to perspective is a process thing anyway.
I like, as much as anything, the brevity of it. That is one thing I never got a good handle on. I’ve always tended to add in so much needless and unwarranted detail that the end result was a unholy mess.
Needing to create…that’s the driving force behind another blog I read: a quilt artist who supports her life by teaching science, but must draw or create damn close to every day (it’s a bad day when she can’t). She is a fine example of don’t do what you love; do what you have to! I used to draw, as a teen (mostly people), but don’t any more. I guess I’m not an artist (although I will claim artistic).
Oh, the alphabetization thing…I was almost always the third student (last name starting with Bal). Bet you were followed only by Wilsons, generally!
More than anything in that piece I heard that you enjoyed yourself as you created that drawing, and that you are realizing what brings you enjoyment as you wander your way through your creative life. This is so empowering to really get about yourself! Any of us who are creative can relate I think. I am so glad I found this blog of yours, Wil, reading it is so compelling.
You should always feel proud of your work. “Good” is just someone else’s perspective. I did a similar post on my own relationship with art just recently. http://jrl755.blogspot.com/2016/03/a-weekend-of-drawing.html if anyone is interested. I seriously can’t draw from an “artistic” point of view, but I’ve always wanted to, so I just did, and while I always say that I have no grasp of human anatomy, perspective, or color pallets, it still makes me happy. Bravo to you for just doing it!
http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/you-can-draw-and-probably-better-than-i-can
^^^^THIS^^^^
Perfection seeking is such an easy way to destroy art or the experience of creating it. That’s such a hard idea to free myself from. It applies to things other than drawing, as well.
I’m not entirely sure how I feel about not erasing, ever. But I understand the point of that.
Yes. Just do it. Doesn’t matter if it’s crap or only marginally what was in your head. Creatives have to create. Not all mediums will feel as successful. It’s actually a good thing to have Beginner’s Mind as well as Expertise.
I too spent a lot of time when I was a kid convinced I couldn’t draw or make art. About 3 years ago I took a class at a creative treat on a whim – it was about making abstract collage-like mixed media … things. I thought it looked cool and fun, but I had no expectation that I would make anything good. I had a great time and ended up with a 12×12 board… thing. I liked it because it had been fun to make, it didn’t look like anyone else’s piece, and it was really bright.
Each night at dinner we had a table where everyone displayed the things they had made during the day – knitted things, painted things, written things, sewn things, woven things. I put my square mixed-media thing out with my name and the name of my class. The director of the retreat, who is a wonderful supportive soul, came up to me after dinner with tears in her eyes and told me that it was amazing. Amazing. Something that I made. Me.
What you make might not speak to everyone, but it will speak to someone, even if that someone is you.
Don’t let anyone take the fun of making things from you, even if that someone is you.
I had that friend in early school, and he was Shaun Tan who won an Oscar for animation a few years ago.
You know, I have tried to draw and I usually end up trashing it because I feel like it just sucks, especially when compared to my kids’ stuff because they are pretty damned talented and work hard it. I remember then that while I am not good at one thing, I am pretty good at others and learning how to improve that skill. I think that you are great at what you do. I think that working to improve is what is important.
Wow…I guess we all know that one kid who was majorly talented.Think of it this way…. We supplement each other that’s why books have covers… Pictures worth a thousand words are placed in books with over a million words. Each individual contributes shares to the major company which is creativity.
Coming to terms with being an artist, I remember that feeling. Do I get to refer to myself as an artist when people like Picasso and Rembrandt existed? I, like you, eventually embraced the fact that I am an artist, maybe not the type you think about when you are 9 years old, but an artist nonetheless.
Beautifully written. Nice to get to see this side of you.
So much artist in that piece! Take a drawing class, you wont regret it. It just takes a bit of guidance and some time – I bet that’s what that kid was getting at home.
I looked at those buildings and was reminded a little bit of the Infamous game for the PS4. It was a lot of fun jumping from building to building using whatever power I had activated at the time.
We have a lot of artistic talent in my family. Other siblings can draw really well. I can’t. I can draw and paint, sure. But it never ever looks like what is in my mind. And it never ever looks like someone with even a little bit of talent drew it. But sometimes I draw. And/or color. And I do other things that are creative, that my siblings are not so good at. Overall, I am just happy with what I can do, in the way I do it. I keep pushing myself, keep stretching, keep trying new things. Still can’t draw, though.
I like YOUR drawing, Wil.
Thanks for sharing that journey. 🙂
I’m very not good at drawing, not even maps, so it sucks when I try to put down references for my gaming campaigns–or lately the worlds I’m creating from scratch–and it turns out all wobbly.
I’ve learned, that even as much as I am a writer, there are times where I need to express myself visually. I usually grab the camera and head out for a trail or downtown and try to see things differently.
The same thing when I try to do things musically. [Not that I’m any good at that either, mind.] It makes my creative brain stretch in different ways.
The most important thing is when I’m done doing different types of creative pursuits and I come back to the writing I’m more limber and more willing to go out of the box with the problem solving. I’ve never intentionally pursued visual arts or musical endeavors as creative exercise, but it turns out that way more often than not.
And if you wanna be artsy without the feeling of being a failure at art–might I suggest the adult coloring books. They have some awesome Star Wars and Dr Who and fantasy art ones out now and they’re a ton of fun and relaxing.
“It isn’t perfect, but it’s a thing where there wasn’t a thing before, and I made it.” words to live by. – actually makes me misty eyed and hits home. powerful words. be well.
This is cool! We moved away from SoCal 2.5 years ago, but your drawing definitely makes me picture it in my head. 🙂 My (now) husband and I took a drawing class together at a local art centre just for something fun to do. We both came away pretty amazed at how just a few classes and tips improved our (previously non-existent) skills dramatically!
OMG! I just hyperventilated a tiny bit because my memory upchucked that Norton Simon Museum commercial for the first time in 30 years!!! A young Candace Bergen is also the only reason why I knew of the existence of “…Degas, Goya, Picasso…” Seriously, thanks for that slingshot down Memory Lane. 🙂
I must say you write amazingly well. Thank you. First blog I read in my life.
I believe we all have some creativity in us and it so cool to see how you have found what you love to do and are good at and are now pursuing it! I think its a huge testament to all of us to do what we love and to do it with excellence. Thanks for sharing a part of your imagination with us!
Thank you for sharing your imagination.
Thanks for sharing your drawing. As someone who grew up drawing and painting regularly, and at one point thought I might be a painter professionally, it is hard to come to grips with the fact that I do not create often enough. A regular job and kids have put a hold on most of my art. I have found other outlets from time to time, and they all boil down to the desire to create something. That is the desire that I have as an artist that never goes away. Sometimes that is building a guitar or other instrument. Sometimes I think the act of cooking dinner helps fulfill that desire. What can I make with this stuff, and can I make something my family will enjoy? Sometimes it is building with Legos or Brio trains with my kids. It doesn’t matter what you make, or whether or not anyone else would consider it art. What matters is that you feel the joy of creation.
be serious, your cat drew this pictures, right ?