you run and you run to catch up with the sun

 

My life reboot is going well. Though I make lots of jokes about how I’ve traded everything I liked in my life for water and exercise, I really do feel good. The changes I made to my life, which I’ve committed to maintaining, are making a positive difference in every area of my existence, and I love it.

I’m having a massive existential crisis about being an actor right now, but that’s a whole thing that I’m not going to get into in public until I’ve had more time to think about it, and talk about it with my friends who are other creative people.

But other than that whole thing, I’m happy. I’m taking good care of myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.

So that’s why I’m not going to any conventions this year, except a single one in England this October. This means I won’t be at San Diego Comicon, including w00tstock, or HopCon.

There are probably less than one hundred people in the world who care about that, but if you’re one of them, read on and I’ll tell you why.

Last year I had a miserable time at Comicon. I didn’t enjoy w00tstock, and I just felt like I was “off” during HopCon. I felt massively anxious, uncomfortable in my own skin, and afraid of everything the whole time I was in San Diego. I did a good job of wearing the mask of a person, and I was pretty good as imitating the things that people do, so only the people who know me very well could tell that I didn’t want to be there.

GenCon was awful. I spent the entire convention having meetings with people, trying to repair the damage that someone I thought was my friend had done to me, Tabletop, and all the hard work I’d done for many years.

Every single time I saw that I had to travel for a convention, I spent the whole week hoping that something would happen so that I couldn’t go. Once I got there, I did my best to honor the people who waited to meet me, I did my best to perform well when I was on stage, and I had a few genuine moments of happiness, but I mostly felt tired and overwhelmed.

One of the things I haven’t talked about that is part of my life reboot is making more time for myself. It’s about setting limits, saying no to things even if I think they’ll be fun, and doing my work, instead of someone else’s work.

I realize that this is totally #FirstWorldCelebrityProblems, but I have to take this year off from personal appearances and conventions. I have to stay home and write. I have to find my way back to the art. I have to find my way back to being a creative person who makes stories and characters and creative things, instead of being a person who hosts stuff, does things which are transactional nonfiction, and spends lots of time on the road talking about those things.

The imperfect comparison I’ve been using is that I feel like I’m in a band. I worked really hard for a long, long time to record a record that people liked, and when I finally did, I went out on tour to support it … but I haven’t been able to write or record a new album. It’s like I’ve been on tour so long, I’m starting to resent playing the songs I used to love, and I am just tired and uninterested in doing the shows.

So this summer, I’m not going to be at a lot of the places the few of you who are reading this have gotten used to seeing me. I’m totally burned out, and it interacting with me at any of these things this summer wouldn’t be awesome for me or you.

If everything goes according to plan, I’ll spend the rest of this year writing stories, making podcasts, doing a few narrative fiction film projects, and maybe even somehow getting on-camera work as an actor. If everything goes according to plan, I’m going to create a lot of new stuff this year, and next year I’ll be excited to share it, perform it, and take it to some of the places I’m not going this year.

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378 thoughts on “you run and you run to catch up with the sun”

  4. Good luck man. I care. You’ve got to take care of yourself first. Be creative, do what makes YOU happy. We can wait. I’m super happy for you about getting in shape and feeling better.

    Good for you.

  5. Take care of yourself, man. Take all of the time that you need. You’re a credit to your profession and to the human race.

  6. I’m glad you’re taking time to take care of yourself. More selfishly, I’m glad you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings with the Internets, because it lets people like me stumble across it and realize that if someone like you, whose job is often literally to show up and smile for people, needs to take time for yourself — and that it’s okay that you do so! — then it’s probably good for someone like me to also set boundaries and refresh my own creative well. You said this is such a “first world celebrity problem” and in some ways, yeah, i guess it is, but it’s also just a PROBLEM. We’re expected to do and think and be and take care of so many things all the dang time, but we are rarely reminded to take care of OURSELVES too. So thank you for the reminder. And best of luck to you in refreshing your own creative well this year.

  7. Hello Wil.
    It breaks my heart to hear you feel this way but I have something to say that might cheer you up. The last name of all my Dnd characters is elhromane, and they were married to Aeofel. Your character was an inspiration and source of happiness for me in a time where I avidly tried to escape a harsh reality at fourteen- the reality that my mother was passing away. You are amazing! And I can’t thank you enough for giving me a reason to be happy during the lowest point in my little life. I still play DnD and went on to run the katy high dnd club. I wish you luck with your reboot! And if you are writing could you write one of my characters a sappy love letter from Aeofel I could keep framed?
    Much Admiration,
    Diana M. Lara

  9. You do you, man. That’s what we all tune in for anyway, right? Enjoy your reboot and create until you’re back to where you feel you need to be.

  10. Wil. My favorite memory of you was one year at Gencon when you played and won Giant Star Trek Catan and you saw my 3 month old baby in her daddy’s arm and you started talking to her and tickleing her little feet and told everyone she was your good luck charm. I totally get the need to take a break from cons. I have not enjoyed cons much lately for similar reasons. Gencon has just gotten too big me and my anxiety goes through the roof and I am miserable so why bother going? I took a break for that reason and last summer took a break because my husband had cancer and it was more important that I stay home with him and keep him company instead of attending conventions that he would have loved to be at. I have to say at first I was upset about not going to cons that year for a first time in many years, but it was such a needed break. I took care of myself and my family and in fall my hubby was cured and we had an amazing fall! It was so nice not having to go through the drama and anxiety of going to a con. I ended up spending 7 weeks working in a haunted house and felt like I was in a con enviornment with like minded people minus the anxiety and drama. I had to make money to send my hubby to the World Series to see his Royals! I also took time to reevaluate my anxiety, depression and OCD and find positive ways to battle those demons. This break will be a great way for you to do that too. If going to cons is making you miserable and causing you great anxiety then your real fans will understand that. If they don’t then too bad. You don’t owe us anything. The only thing you owe us is being the best you you can be and if thay means taking a break from the fans, then go for it dude!! Anxiety and depression absolutely suck and if you do not take time to care for yourself you will be living in a black hole of anxiety and depression. You don’t need that man! Take your break. I will miss you but I will he waiting for you when you get back.

  11. For now we see through a glass darkly. Depression is like that for me. Always love this one line. We are surrounded by people that never see into our inner self. That’s ok. I laugh with Bill Marher when he says, people live in their own little bubbles, but it’s so true. How else would we cope with life? Just be for a while. Just take a few minutes everyday and look into a mirror, you’ will see a good man.

  12. I know all about putting on the Happy Mask to get through the day. I found out a little over a year ago that I’m riddled with a rare and incurable cancer. I put on that mask every morning when I get up so my family, friends and the world at large only ever see “Happy Mark”. It’s exhausting at times, but until I can’t do it any more, that mask is staying in place. An unfortunate side-effect has been a loss of creativity for me as well, even the enjoyment of others’ creative works. I find it hard to even watch tv shows, read books or comics, or even listen to music.

    I can’t imagine having to do it for as long as you have. Take the time for yourself. Be with family. Recharge. Take time to find YOU again.

  13. Hi Wil! I’m glad to hear you’re taking some time for yourself. I’m kind of an introverted person who feels socially awkward and struggles with spending a lot of time away from home, so I can relate a little bit to how you’re feeling (though it’s nothing compared to the busy con schedules and meeting as many strangers as you do). I wish you the best, and I look forward to seeing your work over your break :). Thank you for everything you do as an ambassador for nerd culture

  16. Will, I want you to know that you have made a positive impact on my kids’ lived through Tabletop. They love it, and you for creating it. Thank you for making videos we can share, that do not involve Minecraft.

  17. Wil! Speaking as someone who met you all of twice at a convention…

    If you need time out for yourself–take every second you need and not one less. If you’re burned out on something, quit doing it until you want to do it again. If you never do it again–it’s better for you not to.

    I left a job last fall pretty burned out, and after a good six week vacation, spent six months writing softsynths for myself. Financially unwise, but a huge credit to the sanity account, and maybe more will come of it someday.

    Also (from many moons ago), thanks for signing my 2008 PAX Prime badge ten minutes after the con closed. Hope to say hello again sometime, and enjoy your time out!

  19. Good for you. There is nothing more important than your own health. I’ve been where you are and know those feelings very well. Be kind and gentle with yourself, you still have a lot of living to do. 😎

  20. You will be missed @ SDCC & W00tstock…but you should definitely look out for numero uno and get better!

  21. Sorry you won’t be at GenCon. I’ve met most of your former Next Gen Con, but not you. I do some demo and sales work for Troll Lord Games (Castles & Crusades).I wasn’t at the GenCon when you stopped by 4? years ago. Take care.

  23. Wow! Good for you. I think it’s a great idea, and I fully support it. You did an amazing job with Ashes of Valkana – and I’m excited to see how this introspective journey helps you home your craft. You’re definitely doing the right thing.

  25. Wil, you inspire me, and not because you go to tradeshows. You inspire me because you had the backbone and intelligence to rewrite your life. As the world prepared to discard you, you dug your heels in and made a comeback. I don’t know you, but I know about comebacks. They require that you face fears, make humiliating mistakes, learn fast, be humble, and pick yourself up off the ground a lot.

    The creativity is what makes you you. Keep that alive. Family. Health. Fun. Productivity. Those are important. I’m not an entertainer, but I work with entertainers now. Well, musicians, but there are similarities, and it seems to me that the ones who remain successful are the ones who continue to find ways to keep falling in love with their art, going back to first principles, and pushing themselves creatively. Your “touring band” analogy is spot on.

    Keep being you. 😉

  26. More power to you mate! It’s tough to make the decision to just take some time to yourself. While I despise celebrity culture, I think a lot of people forget that they don’t own celebrities, that they are people unto themselves with their own personal lives and ambitions.

    The classic Neal Gaiman line “George R. R. Martin is not you bitch” comes to mind.

    Be better, feel better and make awesome stuff. We’ll be here when you get back.

  28. I am a faithful reader of your blog and am a huge fan of you and your wife. I make it a point to do my best to live by your life rules every day. Reading what you’ve experienced and gone through I don’t blame you for taking the time off for yourself and totally understand why. Good for you. 🙂

    But selfishly (and I know it’s not cool to include this but I have to cause personally I’m so sad) I and MANY, MANY Hawaii Star Trek fans are so very, very bummed you won’t be at the HawaiiCon on the Big Island this September. Your friends Aaron Douglas and John Scalzi, plus Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis are attending and we Big Island fans were wishing on that elusive star that you would also have agreed to be there. HawaiiCon is so TOTALLY different from other conventions and we know you would have loved being a part of it (plus you can go to the beach on your free time). I truly believe you and Anne would have loved it.

    I deeply hope one day to have the opportunity to meet both you and your wife as you are awesome people.

  29. Enjoy your break, Wil. I hope you find your passion again, and are able to follow your bliss.

    We aren’t going to make GenCon this year, either. DH’s cousin picked that weekend to get married, and kiddo is the ring bearer.

    I’m glad I got to just see you there last year. I’m sorry you were so busy, and stressed.

    Do what helps you find your peace.

  30. You owe the world nothing, including an explanation.

    I hope your life reboot leaves you feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and whole.

  31. Good for you, Wil. You ought to do things to make you happy, not because you feel like you should. I hope you find something to be interested in and come out of this with renewed passion in whatever you choose to do.

  32. Good decision, even if it is totally a first world celebrity thing. Listening to your health always is, if you can afford it. I’ll look forward to hearing what you write.

  35. FUCK yeah, Wil! I know those feelings and how real that struggle is, so although I wouldn’t be seeing you at one of the cons you’ll be missing, I’m pretty stoked about the boundaries you setting to allow yourself to create. That is incredibly hard to do. You’re a badass for doing it. 🙂

  36. Wil,

    While I was sad you weren’t at MegaCon this year I am so glad that you are taking time out for yourself and doing what you need to do for you. We’ll all be here waiting for you when you feel you are ready. And if you never feel like you want to go to a con again know that you will be missed but your true fans will love you no matter what. Enjoy your time and enjoy being you.

  37. Wil,

    I love you and respect you and your work, even though I’ve never met you or even attended an event at which you appeared. I’m not one of those who will miss your presence at those events, not this year anyway — but I am definitely one of those who really, really WANTS you to take care of yourself.

    Rest. Recharge. Sharpen the saw, and (if you will) accept all my hopes and wishes that you’ll find yourself wanting to return to your old haunts afterwards, and that you will discover that there is joy there again.

  38. Good for you Wil. It’s not easy to walk away, but it sounds like exactly the right thing to do. Here’s to new beginnings!

  39. As a massive fan pf your writing and podcasting, I’m happy this is your target. As a bigger fan of your sanity, I’m even happier this is your target.

  40. The band analogy works really well. It’s weird to admire and respect someone, and be part of a crowd of other people admire and respect the same person for the same reasons, and yet recognize that no one among us actually knows that person. And as much as we’d love to be his friends, we have to be content being his fans.

    The hardest part about being a fan of Wil Wheaton isn’t wanting to see him at a convention and being unable to do so, it’s wanting to communicate to him a level of appreciation and support that doesn’t easily transmit when coming from a stranger; it’s wanting to convey genuine and sincere approval and feeling unable to do so in a meaningful way.

    I think it’s because despite not knowing me, Wil’s words and courage have so improved my life, in tangible, measurable ways, and I am so grateful for it, that it almost hurts to have no real channel to express that gratitude, and to attempt to return some of that courage and some of that kindness, especially at the times when it seems like he could use it.

    If this is the only channel I’ve got, I’m going to try to not fall into the trap of hyperbole. Here goes: I really like Wil a lot, and I want him to be happy so much more than I want to see him at a convention or want to see him on tv, or want to hear his voice in a video game, or want to read updates to his blog. I am a happier, healthier person because of him, and if there is anything he can do to be happier or healthier, I support that 100%.

  41. The hardest things for someone with a strong work ethic is to take time for themselves. Screw first world celebrity problems, this is your life. Other people don’t get the right to judge it. I applaud your strength in following what’s best for you. And selfishly, though I’m bummed about GenCon (this is my first year going), I know it means if you decide to return it will be that much better.

  43. Thanks for sharing! I think you described what a lot of us feel…overwhelmed with responsibilities, but not necessarily doing the things we love or taking care of ourselves. I’ve found that finding a balance is very hard, but it’s really important to take the time for self-care.
    A good friend told me that the airlines have it exactly right (no really!)…make sure you put on your oxygen mask first before you help those around you.

  45. Speaking as someone who lives in the flyover states, I’m very excited to see more podcasts and writings and things that are shareable with your larger digital audience vs the relatively few who are geographically and financially able to attend a show/con. I consider myself incredibly lucky that I got to see you at W00tstock in Chicago. That show changed my life in a hundred tiny ways and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that.
    Take the time you need for yourself and recharge, man. We love you.

  46. I have never had the pleasure of meeting or corresponding with you, but to add to the wave of support, I don’t believe in #FirstWorldCelebrityProblems. What I do believe is well-being and personal health. It doesn’t sound like whining so much as it sounds like burnout. I remember doing the convention circuit, and with the woman I would eventually marry at my side, she watched me put on a good game face at Blogworld because I was doing what (I thought) I had to do. When we were alone, she looked at me and asked “Do you really enjoy these events?” I responded with “Once upon a time, I did.” Your revelations I know all too well. Don’t let anyone tell you different: You’re doing the right thing. I look forward to the creative projects you’ve got in the works (and I have truly enjoyed your appearances on “Welcome to Night Vale”) and I look forward to what you have coming. If no one says it, Wil—thank you. Thank you for everything.

  48. Wil, I am totally with you and can empathise to a rather great extent – more so than I would like in all reality. I very much agree that the one thing you should do is look after you. Not just for you, but also for those who are close to you and love you for the person you are. Those are the people that really matter in our lives. I am fortunate to have many loved ones, albeit too far scattered to be close geographically, I feel their love in communications whatever that format may be. I am certain that you have a similar support structure to have at your back so do as you suggest. Kick back, take time for you and let life present itself to your re-booted self. You have many friends out here, many of whom you have never met or may never meet, but suffice it to say that we too form a support structure for you and yours. I for one look forward to seeing any new work that you put out there and if that doesn’t come for a while, we’ll survive. Just take care and live life for you. Kindest regards…………

  49. I’m sure everyone that made it as far as the bottom of the page to reflect with you respects your time and looks forward to the refreshed and rebooted Wil. If you figure out how to feel amazed and amazing again please tweet about what app you used.

  50. Good for you Wil. I know that you once liked those kinds of events and a lot of people look forward to seeing you. Stop selling yourself short on that not more than 100 people. When you spend more time advancing your current project you don’t get to make new ones. I rather miss your essays and short stories. And I’m not alone. Follow your gut on this. When you put off the things that you love for the things that you have to do for long enough then you start to lose who you are as a person. Been there. It sucks.

    I’ve noticed too, when you lose yourself to you it makes a chink in the armor that let’s you see Depression for what it is. It makes the lies easier to believe because you aren’t there to defend yourself to you. Stay home and do fun things. Be a tourist in your own town or go somewhere fun while you are writing and doing the things that you love. Make things kinda has to go along with Do Things. See art shows. Do writer’s events as a participant not a panelist. Or go somewhere that you’ve wanted to go but too busy to go. Visit your adorable nephew just for funsies.

    It’s not really a Firstworldceleb thing. It is a creative person thing.

    It’s summer….. have fun!!!!

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