I was talking with a friend last night, who is a fantastically talented and successful actor. We are both in our 40s, and we can’t seem to get our careers — which were once exploding with work — back where we want them. We’re both having the same frustrations and hitting the same closed doors, even though he is way way way more successful than I am. During our conversation, I said, “I’ve been doing all this stuff for the last few years that is mostly transactional, or informational, instead of creative and artistic. I’ve had some great acting jobs, but none of them have translated into other acting opportunities.

“I love the stuff I’ve done online, and I’m super proud of Tabletop, but it isn’t artistically fulfilling. It isn’t creative like acting and writing is.”

He mentioned some big pictures that he had auditions for recently, and asked me if I’d read for them.

“Nope,” I said. “I couldn’t even get an audition. It’s really frustrating, and if I’m being honest, it’s depressing as fuck.”

We talked about creating projects that we can act in, and I had this epiphany. “I love acting, and I want to continue to be an on-camera actor, even if it’s just one last great job … but my heart is in writing, because I don’t have to ask anyone for permission to be a writer.”

I go back and forth between giving up entirely on having on-camera work, and focusing on writing and voice acting, and working as hard as I can to get back in front of the camera. or just isn’t interested in me, but I keep looking at people who did good work, seemed to disappear for awhile, and then came back to do even more good work. Somehow, I just have to convince the people who can give me permission to work in their movies to give me a chance.

But until that happens, I can keep writing, because nobody can tell me that I can’t do it.

I’m writing every day. I’ve pulled about 4000 words out of my brains this week, split between two different stories. They’ll both go into the short story collection that I’m writing, to be published later this year, and I don’t have to struggle to get permission to do that.

…I really want to do more on-camera acting work, though. I miss it. I wish there was some way to convince Hollywood to give me a chance, because everything I’ve been doing the last several years just isn’t working.