One of the many delightful* things about having Depression and Anxiety is occasionally and unexpectedly feeling like the whole goddamn world is a heavy lead blanket, like that thing they put on your chest at the dentist when you get x-rays, and it’s been dropped around your entire existence without your consent.
Physically, it weighs heavier on me in some places than it does in others. I feel it tugging at the corners of my eyes, and pressing down on the center of my chest. When it’s really bad, it can feel like one of those dreams where you try to move, but every step and every motion feels like you’re struggling to move through something heavy and viscous. Emotionally, it covers me completely, separating me from my motivation, my focus, and everything that brings me joy in my life.
I live with Depression and Anxiety. I take medication, I practice meditation and CBT, and I see a therapist regularly to help me handle it. It doesn’t control my life, and it doesn’t define my life … but when it’s really bad, it sure feels like it does. When it’s really bad, it feels like it is the only thing in my entire life, the Alpha and Omega of my existence.
And so it was on Saturday. I’d felt it a little bit during the week, but I honestly couldn’t tell if it was the slow, relentless suffocation of anxiety, or if I was just really tired. I also have occasional mono flareups, because that lives inside my body, and it could have been that, even. The fun** thing about anxiety and exhaustion is that, for me, they feel largely indistinguishable from each other, and one typically feeds the other in a perpetual motion cycle that is horribly efficient.
But by Saturday, I felt terrible.I didn’t want to be a victim, and I didn’t want to be a prisoner in my own life, so I took a walk that turned into a run that turned into a walk, that turned back into a run. It was really hard to keep going, but I did it, and while I was out on the road, listening to my playlist and exercising my body, I tried to use the rational part of my brain to objectively look back on the week, and figure out what the hell happened to open the anxiety floodgates. I got a ton of writing done, and I enjoyed every bit of it. I’m super proud of the work I’m doing, and I think I’m going to have something that’s worth publishing when it’s finished. I don’t feel creatively stifled like I did as recently as a month ago, so that couldn’t be it. I even had an audition I didn’t expect, for a role that I was perfect for, on a show that I love, that —
And there it was. The audition.
If you’re one of those people who decides that talking about this is whining, please stop reading this now and go fuck yourself.
I auditioned for this show about a year ago, and I nailed it. I know that I nailed it, because the producers told me I nailed it, and they wanted to wait until there was a larger role on the show for me, instead of using me to play a character that was in and out in a single episode. So when they called me back for a different role last week, a role that was on a few episodes and was right in my wheelhouse, I thought “this is the thing they were talking about! This is the thing I am going to book!”
For at least ten years — a fucking decade — I never book the job, so it’s really, really hard to go into auditions and not feel like Charlie Brown running toward the football. But this time was different. I prepared, I did a great job in the room, casting told me I did a great job in the room, and I even asked my friend who is on the show if they wouldn’t mind putting in a good word for me.
I had the audition on Wednesday, and for most of thursday, I let myself feel hopeful. But by the end of the day, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I felt like an idiot for getting my hopes up, I was embarrassed and humiliated that I asked my friend to help me out, and I felt like a jackass for letting myself believe that this time anything would be different.
So that’s where all my anxiety was coming from. That’s why I didn’t sleep well all week. That’s why I felt the lead apron of Depression and Anxiety fall over me and wrap itself around me: I let myself feel like it could maybe happen, while I was simultaneously trying really hard not to get my hopes up.
I realize that to anyone who doesn’t have the stupid fucking mental illness that I have this seems really, incredibly, profoundly stupid. Most of being an actor who auditions is about being rejected, passed over, not chosen. It’s just the math of it.
But I let myself believe that this time was different. Just like I let myself hope that the time before it was different.
But it’s never different. It’s never going to be different, until it suddenly is different, and there’s nothing I can do to make that change … but I have to hope and somehow believe that this time it will be different, or I may as well hang it all up.
and that’s why i feel like i’m suffocating.
*not at all delightful
**not at all fun
Hi, thanks for posting this.
It really helps to know that someone who I admire and is successful in their field also has the same feelings, frustrations and mental health issues.
Wishing you the very best,
John
PS ANY show would be lucky to have you! 🙂
Hi Wil,
thanks for posting this. And I don´t usually write comments. I actually didn´t know you had these troubles; I am just Star Trek fan who found many layers of talent you have. And you are awesome at it. Don´t let the bastards get you down, don´t feel ashamed if they get to you. All the best.
Just because the law of average says most actors will not get most jobs DOES NOT MEAN IT SUCKS.
Especially when you did all the head work many actors fail to do. Even when you killed the audition but some jerk somewhere said “no”. It sucks. As a Costume Designer, being turned down sucks. But your Re-Boot has gone well. You are writing more and more. And your fans like you no matter what. Thank you.
Hang
In
There.
Sorry, I don’t know what depression is other than dim memories of the year after mom’s death which sound like your descriptions. But that was a very long time ago when I was about the age of you in that pacman cap. Tough to imagine facing the prospect of that type of feeling for a lifetime.
What you do – matters. Know that.
And know that sadists see the internet differently than the rest of us. To us it’s a source of joy & learning. To sadists, it’s a Skinnerian pellet lever. Just ban’em. They contribute nothing. Nuke-em right down to their slimy little subnets.
Hey Wil,
Just chiming in saying “you rock” and “hang in there” I know it doesn’t really solve anything, but you’re awesome. 🙂 I also know you weren’t fishing for that, but I thought I’d leave that here.
Hi Wil, I’m older than you, and I too have depression. Even with medication I sometimes feel very down. Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m just tired or frustrated, or it’s the depression coming through. I ask a friend or my spouse and they usually tell me I’m depressed. Hmmm, are they so perseptive? Exercise is the only thing that really helps, and like you, it’s hard to get started and keep moving. But I do it. Just keep moving until the fog lifts. Then enjoy life and know you really are a very valuable person. Valuable to your family, your fans, and just because you exist and are the person you are. Depression and anxiety try to rob you of your sense of value and your peace. Never, never, never let them succeed. I’m telling you directly to Live. If you ever think about suicide don’t let yourself be alone. Have someone take you directly to the Emergency Room. Keep yourself safe! And by the way, I don’t consider you a whiner at all. You are a sharer and a real winner. I love your work on “The Big Bang Theory” and in Star Trek. Why doesn’t Hollywood cast you in more roles? I don’t know, but I certainly want you back on the screen, tv or movies. I promise I’ll be in the audience!
Depression fucking sucks. ::hugs::
Hi Wil – I don’t personally suffer from depression, but have friends that do. I know you talk a lot about your personal feelings and have even mentioned occasionally what dickfaces have said to you that are, um, not very helpful, but what suggestions of positive things can you suggest for us outsiders to say that will help us be more supportive of you? I know what not to say, but what would you suggest that I can say? Personally, I think it’s insensitive to say, “Maybe next time,” because that is sooo trite. What could I say instead? Warm embraces to you…
You’re so thoughtful and sweet, but you don’t have to say anything. I appreciate it very much that you asked, though.
On a positive note, there are plenty of actors who have spent years in the “wilderness” until they were rediscovered. Jason Bateman did TV shows as a kid (remember Silver Spoons?) and then dropped off the radar for a bit until Arrested Development. Look at Winona Ryder. I think she was big in the 1980s and 1990s and then her career slowed down. Then, out of the blue, Star Trek in 2009 and now Stranger Things!
Plus you could do commercials here or abroad – you’ve got cachet in the Gen X & Millennial crowd.
It could be worse – you’re still youthful looking and you haven’t done stupid shit (broken the law, hard drugs or called a female police officer “sugar tits”). And you’re a man. Hollywood can be hell for women once they hit 40 unless you’re Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren. 🙁
Hi Wil, Like any parent knows, a 5 year old can be a powerful thing. Doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t seem right. Kid’s just a 5 year old, right? But that kid can absolutely determine whether a day, a week, a year can be a peaceful one or an absolute nightmare. They CAN listen to reason, but they might or might not. You CAN medicate them, but, well, it’s more complicated than just taking a pill. You can get them professional help. You can do EVERYTHING right as a parent, but if that 5 year old chooses, you’re still in for a bumpy ride. They say that the path to mental health is learning to reparent yourself. And when they say that, it sounds sort of straight forward. You think, “Sure, I can learn how to be nice to me and hug me and teach myself to do the right stuff.” But the difficult 5 year old that lives in my head can be an absolute asshole and sometimes what I really want to do is punch it in its little stupid face.
Who can I write to RIGHT NOW to get you on a show I’ll watch because Every Single Character I’ve seen you play is so AWESOME!
But hey, you were in the New York Times Sunday crossword in the Dallas Morning News 8/28/16. That counts for something, doesn’t it? And I knew you spell your name with one L!
Hey Wil,
Thank you for having the balls to admit this stuff and write about it. The people that call it whining don’t have a clue. If anything, that pedestal that they expect you to be on actually makes it harder to do what you do and say what you are saying. You are human and I want to take the time to say that at least this fan appreciates that you share these experiences with us. It helps us deal a little bit better knowing that you seem to be working through it and succeeding (granted I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but from the way you talk…you get through). Whether that is because of a good support system, medication, meditation or just plain kicking ass, you show us that even though you have what you have and are successful you still grapple with this shit every day. You can no more “shut it off” than any of us can. And as much as that sucks, it is also very comforting to us. You Sir are the hero in this story, not the whiner. I know the let down (ok, I don’t know in the same way as I am not an actor, but life has a way of doing that generally) and while that low can get really low, please don’t ever give up thinking that this time is different, because it always is. I know you were writing just to get it out there, maybe even understanding that doing so helps others but I wanted to say You kick Ass. Every Time/Day is different. YOU are the Hero. And personally, thank you for having the balls to share it all.
Sending virtual hugs from Scotland. Except I’m not sure if you’ll enjoy virtual hugs from strangers… So I’ll ask my big, dozey 5-month old golden/labrador puppy to virtually sit on your lap until things don’t seem too bad.
Hope things seem better soon 🙂
Mr. Wheaton,
I have had minor anxiety episodes in the past and have been on meds for depression for almost two decades (I call them my happy pills). I’ve never; however, had a full-on, end of the world panic attack….until this past sunday. I’ve never sat in my car and felt it all pushing in on me while I tried to build up the walls to hold it back. Eventually my walls broke and I started hyperventilating and became hypoxic…I had just enough energy to hit my phone button to call my wife before I lost muscle control (hypoxia is a wonderful thing – starving your body of oxygen until your muscles cramp and seize and hands curl into claws….can’t feel any extremities). Thank God I had my family to anchor me and talk to me as they drove to come get me and help me through it. I’m so glad that you have your wife & kids to be there for you, but know that there are those of us out here rooting for you and knowing how you feel. Stay Strong!
Sometimes when I’m low, it helps to get hit in the feels — warms things up.
Here ya go. Trade that lead blanket in for a comfortable old sweatshirt.
I don’t know if this comment will make it to your site or not – none of my previous attempts at commenting have been successful – but here goes:
I won’t tell you that you should be happy for the amazing opportunities your life has given you, because that’s impossible to see and take comfort in when you’re depressed. I won’t offer compliments and well wishes, because you don’t know me, and to someone in your current emotional state, they won’t go very far. I won’t give you encouraging tales of my own triumphs over similar issues, because you don’t know me, so they won’t go very far. I won’t tell you you’re great and things will work out, because I don’t know you personally, I only have my outsider’s perspective, so telling you that will have little value.
But speaking as someone who’s crawled through a similar existential rut and risen from the other side, I will offer some advice, Wil (sorry for being familiar, I just think of misters as teachers and such):
Follow your passion and keep moving forward.
I know. That sounds ridiculous when depression deprives you of the ability to be passionate about the things you’d once felt for so deeply. But the trick isn’t to try to recapture the passion you’ve lost – it’s to find new things that kindle the flame within. Find new outlets that spark your inner flame back to life. Follow these down whatever avenues they may lead. And when they hit dead-ends, find others to take their places.
You’ll find, eventually, that your focus changes from the now and was to the new and next. The depression will abate, with time, and you’ll emerge from the cocoon to begin the next phase of your life. The trick is to not try desperately to hold on to the old passions, as doing so only makes you feel like you’re not moving. Keep finding the next new one and follow it wherever it leads you.
Hope this comment doesn’t blow away in the aether…
Depression. It’s such a bastard. I am very thankful for you. Your writings drew me in, then the podcast, then that expanded to include Anne, Hardwick… Nerdist… Geek & Sundry… TableTop… TeamHooman, where I have found so many people I consider friends. Because of you, one man, the ripples out into my geeky world have expanded miles beyond where they started. I am so… so… SO very thankful for you, Felicia, Chris and all the others in this world. We may battle our own demons now and again, but this tribe will always reach out a hand and help you back up. It’s really quite amazing. Thank you.
PS I rail at my inabilities to express just how deeply my gratitude is. How deep is my gratitude. Great. Now I have the Bee Gees singing in my head.
Wow, thank you for being so open. I admire your strength, and determination. I’m tearing up I’m so grateful to read this. Your description is overwhelming to read knowing where you are talking from. I describe my anxiety as everyone in the world hates me all at the same time.
There will be a day when you do get the part. It will be a day when you don’t feel it, don’t sense it, don’t suspect, wish, hope, think about or entertain it happening. That part will present itself to you in such a natural state it will feel as if you’ve been together all along.
Hey Wil,
I know exactly the feeling you’re describing, and I admire you even more for being able to be honest with yourself and to be able to put your feelings out there. Reading your entries always makes me feel less alone and encouraged to be as honest as you are. When that nagging voice is trying to shout over everything good in your life, everything you’re working towards, everything you’ve accomplished – in those overwhelming and heavy moments, if nothing else, please remember to tell it that it’s a liar. You are awesome and you bring so much to the lives of so many people. You’re not alone.
I really get excited when you pop up on tv in unexpected places. I adored Eureka and I’m really enjoying your character on Dark Matter. I’m sorry the audition didn’t pan out… and I look forward to the next time that it does, and you pop up again on my tv. 🙂
Wil, you have tens of regulars and hundreds of commenters and thousands of readers, at least. And we’re all here because you’re a fucking role model. We look to you for cues and advice about being a human being. Because you are a proper human being that, at least I think, most humans should take a beat or two from.
Depression sucks. Depression is a dick. But you can make it. You can come back. Like you did before. You have the will. You have the power. Take the stick. You can do it.
http://i.imgur.com/wZeK2vL.jpg
I’m here for the veal.
I have had some issues with anxiety, and I want to share one thing I’ve learned about myself. If you try to think of reasons to feel bad, you will succeed. Your brain is smart, and it can always come up with reasons why you feel bad. And then you think about those reasons, and you feel worse. You feel bad because your brain chemistry is set up in a way that makes you feel bad sometimes. If there’s an obvious reason why you feel bad, and it’s something you can fix, then fix it, but there’s no point in feeling bad about something you can’t fix. (I’m sorry for being so preachy, but this is a trap I have fallen into in the past, and even though things are not the same for you I wanted to warn you.)
I just want to say that I misread that line as “talking about this is WINNING,” and I think that’s right.
There’s a song by theory of a deadman which I’m almost certain is written about depression called, “world war me.” That’s what I consider depression to be. It’s when your mind declares war upon itself. No one can fight you better than you can because no one knows your insecurities, fears and failures better than you. Whatever you see, feel, smell and encounter becomes part of the battlefield as your brain turns everything against you. It makes for a wonderful writing topic, but a hell to live through. The worst part is that often we know exactly the words we need to hear to beat it whether they be, “You’re a great actor” or “a great writer” but even the people who know us best and are closest to us don’t always know what those words are. We just yearn to hear that perfect sentence that will make us feel secure and confident again, and when we don’t hear them, we slip deeper into the depression instead of gaining traction to climb out of it.
Mr. Wheaton, I don’t know what you need to hear to make you feel a little better and help you realize that you are in fact special, regardless what a casting crew may say, but I’ve found it helps when you meet someone who understands what you’re going through. I don’t have an answer for depression (because I still struggle with it from time to time myself, I just try to keep myself distracted from it) but I want you to know that you’re not alone. Even though I am to you, nothing more than a random person on the internet, who you probably don’t even consider worthy of replying to, I still care about your mental health because you sir are a fellow human being and none of us deserve to fight the war of depression on our own.
But you’re Wil Wheaton, Lord High King of the Interwebs. You could just edit the wikipedia page of that show to SAY that you have a recurring role on it then call up casting demanding your paycheck because according to the internet, you totally work there!
I’ve dealt with depression most of my life, i’m actually diagnosed schizoaffective (which i don’t believe i am some of the time) anyways i went to memphis for a couple of weeks and forgot my meds here i was already in bit of a depression before that but you know the type where if you figure out what’s causing it and are able to fix it/hanging out with a best friend. so i get back i take half my dose of one of them i feel really sick the next day and convinced i might be getting a rash. so i don’t take it and i don’t want to take the other one because when i first start it i’m so sleepy, and i’m already sleepy from the depression. i go to the psychiatrist because i have an appointment tell her, she’s like “you know you could’ve called me.” of course my mom figured out i wasn’t taking them and i go back about 2 weeks before the start of school. she’s like you need to get a new therapist because i was seeing one on campus last semester but, i have an adversion to therapists not because i think they’re evil just i don’t see me deserving of one/scared they’re gonna look at me and go there is nothing wrong with you stop whining. which i know isn’t rational, but i’m not always a rational person. so i started classes monday (i’m majoring in social work) and i got a cat last wednesday she’s awesome. so anyways monday i’m on campus its between classes and i start crying i do cry a lot when i’m depressed. and i mean hypervenilate type crying but i usually manage to do it when i’m completely alone. so someone who i talk to but don’t really hang out with off of campus asks what’s going on and i’m like i don’t know because i don’t want to say i have a mental illness, because i don’t like mentioning it. so then this dude asks to use my phone to call his wife i think nothing of it. she doesn’t answer, he waits then decides to go get food so between calling his wife and going to get food he asks why i was crying and i said i didn’t know. and he was like sometime everything surfaces at once. and when he left he said “keep your head up” which made me smile. not because that phrase is going to solve my problems. yeah i didn’t make it to class today, but i have a therapy appointment tommorow. so i’ll be fine i have to be. plus the cat is helping a little and everyone who knows me says me getting a cat was a really good idea.
i dunno why i wrote at all that. so i’m in the process of restarting meds probably should’ve called the psychiatrist but didn’t so one of them has to go up slowly because it can cause a deadly rash. Life is gonna suck for the next 2 months but i have to power through. so depression sucks, people who think people can just get over depression should be punched(not really, i’m just bitter) and i don’t have anxiety but paranoia is a problem for me which is related. but i’m not gonna act like i can relate on the anxiety front, because i can’t.
Good post you did & good replies you got. I am failing to come up Sith encouraging words not already said by others in their replies. Enjoy the good bits of this day If the whole day is not pleasant. E
I just reposted your Tears in Rain post from last year on my FB page, and I will always repost it, because you are so fucking awesome. I wish I could hand you the antidote that I somehow have access to.
I’m so deeply grateful to you for sharing the rawness and the truth. I know you are helping so many people (not only because of the evidence in the comments but because this is how we, as Ram Dass says, “walk each other home.” My belief is that in sharing the truth of what it’s like to be us in a space like a blog (or book etc), we’re saying to another, “Hey, this happened to me, and if it happens to you, I want you to know you’re not alone.” This saves people’s lives. (We all need to know we’re not alone.) And I hope that getting the words out onto the page and having so many kind, caring souls read your words helps you to know you’re not alone too.
I desperately need to get in to my primary care physician and get a psych referral.. I am about 99% sure I have depression and anxiety and have never been diagnosed and would be doing MUCH BETTER if I was in therapy and taking medication. The feelings you described… I know those feelings. It’s a nightmare on a loop… and I have such a hard time telling anyone around me about how I feel because then I just feel like a burden to everyone. So instead, I just keep it in and let it fester until I explode. It’s not healthy and I need to change it. 🙁 I hope one of these days I go to a con and see you there so I can give you a hug. You’re a good dude, Wil.
Hey Nathan
For what it is worth, a stranger on the internet (me) says ‘ hang in, get in to see a Dr like you are planning , & endure while your brain chemistry is not quite right & it will get better. E
Wil,
We’really at a disquieting age – don’t let it get you down. You just stay in the ring, keep punching, and tomorrow will take care of itself. You’ll get through it. I wish you well.
Wil,
I love when you write about depression and anxiety, because it feels like you reach inside my head, pull out my experiences, and throw them on paper (or the internet, or whatever) in a way I never could. Stay strong! No matter what the haters say, you writing about your experiences is helping people!
I may not be an actor but i am so glad to hear stories about people who also deal with Anxiety. It tells me I am not alone. I hate when people who don’t deal with Anxiety try telling you what to do. Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying you have a better day today!
“It’s never going to be different, until it suddenly is different”
This speaks to me. So full of despair and futility, and at the same time you recognize it’s a lie. Fuck depression.
Thank you for being brave and speaking out.
Thank you for sharing this. It really speaks to me, nail, meet hammer. I admire what you do professionally, but I respect you beyond what I can tell you for opening up to us like this so honestly. I know it might not feel like it to you, but it makes a positive difference for some of us, and it really helps some of us struggling with things.
Hi Will, I hope you’re feeling better. I was just watching something that starred you (and i didn’t know who you are, so i looked it up), and I found your website. I really don’t know what to tell you except that it’s very good you’re facing your daemons with a healthy perspective and sharing it with, well, 7.4 billion people really. Take care man. I hope you feel better soon 🙂
You are so relatable. I don’t think it’s stupid or whiny of you to express how you felt. I still think of things I said or did over 20 years ago and feel mortified and wonder why I allowed myself to be so dumb.
The career you’re in requires you to really put yourself out there and there is always the risk that you will feel embarrassed if you don’t do well. I think it’s incredibly brave of you to be willing to keep pushing forward and then write about how it affected you.
Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your work and your writing.
Dear Will, I’ve enjoyed watching you on TV for decades, and have been pleased to learn more about you from social media. I’m so sorry you have to go through these painful times, and I hope today finds you breathing more easily. I wish that we strangers who read your words and care about you could give you some tangible help from all of our good feeling toward you!
I’m cheering for you to find the opportunities you want, because you deserve all the best. You’re one of the good ones.
Dear Wil,
DO NOT hang it all up, not now, not this way, that’s just the depression talking to you. I am a recovering alcoholic and I suffer from bipolar II disorder and OCD. I know exactly where you are coming from. I see a shrink and I am also on meds, we can’t let our disorders or depression kick our asses, we have to kick their asses and live life to the fullest.
Thank you for your honesty.
Hey Wil,
As a 43 year old software developer who freelances and does a lot of contract work I too suffer from depression and anxiety issues and I can totally understand your fears and anxieties for auditioning for a role.
There have been many times that I have presented myself for a contract placed a bid whatever and granted it is sometimes a singular person who makes the decision oftentimes there are multiple people who make these decisions and the waiting and sometimes not ever hearing back is the worst.
I find myself trying to find a happy medium of not thinking about it and knowing that I did my best and I’m okay with that For My Future Self.
All the best in the world keep up with your self improvement and know that you are great for yourself.
If anyone I know is struggling I usually direct them towards Wil Wheaton’s webpage but that’s not going to help here. Unless it does 🙂
I think you are very brave for sharing this. I don’t know that I could do it. I have depression, generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. When things are at their worst, I mostly want to hide. I just think, all I have to do is get through today. Thanks for sharing.