One of the many delightful* things about having Depression and Anxiety is occasionally and unexpectedly feeling like the whole goddamn world is a heavy lead blanket, like that thing they put on your chest at the dentist when you get x-rays, and it’s been dropped around your entire existence without your consent.
Physically, it weighs heavier on me in some places than it does in others. I feel it tugging at the corners of my eyes, and pressing down on the center of my chest. When it’s really bad, it can feel like one of those dreams where you try to move, but every step and every motion feels like you’re struggling to move through something heavy and viscous. Emotionally, it covers me completely, separating me from my motivation, my focus, and everything that brings me joy in my life.
I live with Depression and Anxiety. I take medication, I practice meditation and CBT, and I see a therapist regularly to help me handle it. It doesn’t control my life, and it doesn’t define my life … but when it’s really bad, it sure feels like it does. When it’s really bad, it feels like it is the only thing in my entire life, the Alpha and Omega of my existence.
And so it was on Saturday. I’d felt it a little bit during the week, but I honestly couldn’t tell if it was the slow, relentless suffocation of anxiety, or if I was just really tired. I also have occasional mono flareups, because that lives inside my body, and it could have been that, even. The fun** thing about anxiety and exhaustion is that, for me, they feel largely indistinguishable from each other, and one typically feeds the other in a perpetual motion cycle that is horribly efficient.
But by Saturday, I felt terrible.I didn’t want to be a victim, and I didn’t want to be a prisoner in my own life, so I took a walk that turned into a run that turned into a walk, that turned back into a run. It was really hard to keep going, but I did it, and while I was out on the road, listening to my playlist and exercising my body, I tried to use the rational part of my brain to objectively look back on the week, and figure out what the hell happened to open the anxiety floodgates. I got a ton of writing done, and I enjoyed every bit of it. I’m super proud of the work I’m doing, and I think I’m going to have something that’s worth publishing when it’s finished. I don’t feel creatively stifled like I did as recently as a month ago, so that couldn’t be it. I even had an audition I didn’t expect, for a role that I was perfect for, on a show that I love, that —
And there it was. The audition.
If you’re one of those people who decides that talking about this is whining, please stop reading this now and go fuck yourself.
I auditioned for this show about a year ago, and I nailed it. I know that I nailed it, because the producers told me I nailed it, and they wanted to wait until there was a larger role on the show for me, instead of using me to play a character that was in and out in a single episode. So when they called me back for a different role last week, a role that was on a few episodes and was right in my wheelhouse, I thought “this is the thing they were talking about! This is the thing I am going to book!”
For at least ten years — a fucking decade — I never book the job, so it’s really, really hard to go into auditions and not feel like Charlie Brown running toward the football. But this time was different. I prepared, I did a great job in the room, casting told me I did a great job in the room, and I even asked my friend who is on the show if they wouldn’t mind putting in a good word for me.
I had the audition on Wednesday, and for most of thursday, I let myself feel hopeful. But by the end of the day, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I felt like an idiot for getting my hopes up, I was embarrassed and humiliated that I asked my friend to help me out, and I felt like a jackass for letting myself believe that this time anything would be different.
So that’s where all my anxiety was coming from. That’s why I didn’t sleep well all week. That’s why I felt the lead apron of Depression and Anxiety fall over me and wrap itself around me: I let myself feel like it could maybe happen, while I was simultaneously trying really hard not to get my hopes up.
I realize that to anyone who doesn’t have the stupid fucking mental illness that I have this seems really, incredibly, profoundly stupid. Most of being an actor who auditions is about being rejected, passed over, not chosen. It’s just the math of it.
But I let myself believe that this time was different. Just like I let myself hope that the time before it was different.
But it’s never different. It’s never going to be different, until it suddenly is different, and there’s nothing I can do to make that change … but I have to hope and somehow believe that this time it will be different, or I may as well hang it all up.
and that’s why i feel like i’m suffocating.
*not at all delightful
**not at all fun
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I completely understand this feeling. And I have to ask, how do you both simultaniously hold on to the hope that this tiem it will happen so you can keep doing it, while at the same time not letting yourself get your hopes up because if it doesn’t happen, it’ll crush you? As an aspiring author facing rejections from publishers all the time as well as dealing with depression and anxiety, I hope you can offer advice. Your fans love you, so keep on keeping on, we love seeing the things you do.
Exactly this with the aspiring-author bit who fears the soul crushing rejections. I hope he has some words to help because I could use them too.
Depression is a jerk face. Mine’s been interfering with my ability to make art lately. Gotta get myself back into therapy. You always help me feel less alone and more capable of talking to others about depression and destigmatizing it.
As soon as you said you were having anxiety and depression this week I thought back to your blog about the auditions. Sucks to go through the ringer over and over, but just remember that people like you for a lot of reasons, on or off camera.
And, anxiety sucks rocks harder than anything that sucks hard. Been there, and still fight with it a few times a year, so keep the chin up and remember you’re not alone in all this.
So many people have the misconception that having depression means you are a pessimist.
I find one of the most painful things about having depression is being an optimist. You want so desperately to hope, but disappointment hits so much harder! So you feel like a fool for hoping AT ALL, no matter how badly you want to, because your brain “knows” it won’t turn out the way you want it to, and does know how far you fall from disappointment and wants to protect you from that, without losing hope all together… It’s a very difficult balance to find, let alone maintain, and I fall all too often. Especially since I want to listen to my brain because I value reason over emotion in instances like this, and take pride in my intelligence, so feeling like a fool for hoping seems like so much more of an embarrassment than it does for others, because “I SHOULD have known better!” This often leads to guarding ourselves, which others see as pessimism.
I feel you. And for what it’s worth, like many others here, I appreciate you.
It is currently 8.50am here in Sydney and for the last 90 minutes since i clocked in to my desk job.
Every single minute of that has been a painful struggle, fighting the depression and anxiety that decided to flare up out of the blue today.
Between bouts of anger, sadness, exhaustion and finally having my wind pipe slowly close itself to new, clean air, i logged on to my phone to try and distract myself, and i found this post waiting on twitter.
Thank you, Wil, for your timely, eloquent reminder that i am not alone.
You are a legend, and deserve the best in life, and I’m glad you choose to speak about these topics rather than sit in silence, because even if i was the only one you helped, even though i know theres hundreds more by reading comments and tweets, even if i was the only one you helped with this post, I’d consider it a worthy endeavour, because youve shown me im not alone
Thanks Wil.
I SO second this reply. Thanks, Wil.
Ugh Wil, I hate reading the posts you write about your depression and anxiety because it’s such a terrible thing to go through and I hate that you’re going through it. And yet, it’s helpful to me when I read about others who have to live through it. I’m glad you write about it. I’ve learned through the years that writing how I feel about it releases some of the built up pressure that consumes me.
I’m so sorry that there are those who say your whining. I know you’re smart enough to know those assholes opinions mean shit but I know that’s awful to hear.
It’s difficult to know what to say as encouragement because I usually dismiss the “keep on keeping on” that people say because I’m always trying to do just that. It’s really hard to do most days.
When I started high school I suffered a concussion and had to be sent back a few grades. Since I excelled in math before my accident, when I returned to high school I promised myself to get an A in algebra. So I worked my ass off, got up at 5am, poured countless hours into studying and homework. I still got a B average when I finished. I figured I had a chance to redeem myself my senior year when I took Algebra 2. I pushed myself even harder with that. I’ve never worked so hard in my life. All my assignments kept coming back with Bs and I finished with a B+. That STILL haunts me, I swear to god if I hear the word ‘algebra’ I feel like I’m going to vomit. I still sometimes stay awake at night wondering what I did wrong. My favorite movie might be on, my friends could be visiting, I can get a raise and yet sometimes this blanket of anxiety won’t go away.
There are other things of course that can upset me into not being able to breathe but there are certain things, like a highschool class that I’ll never get over.
I’m sure this comment I wrote is rather pointless. I just wanted to point out I realize sometimes somethings affect us more deeply than others. It sucks, it’s terrible. But it’s what it is.
In the mean time I’d like you to know that hearing your struggles makes me realize that I’m not alone. I really respect you Wil, and you’re a great guy, and you’re worth more than an audition that didn’t go right. I hope you feel better this week and you can write some more.
Or rather an audition that went right, but didn’t turn out the way you had expected/wanted.
I deal with my own minor depressions and anxieties through music, yoga, and exercise. Depression for me are those little voices that say, “you’re too tired to walk on a treadmill, or swim, or work on roller skating or martial arts.” The weightiness feels real. My body reacts to it. And It rarely wins anymore. I’ve come to get angry with that side of me and both accept it for what it is (my reality check) and what it tells me, “you’re in prison now insert evil laugh here“. My response has become, “if this is prison, it’s MY prison. I run this show. If anyone’s going to be the bitch, you’re going to be mine! Bend over anxiety you’re about to be owned.” That’s usually the moment, brief and small, but I catch it. That singular second of breath. A brief lull of quiet. The instant that I realize if I let my depression push me, I’ll hurt more and worse physically. If I let that second go by, my anxiety aches in my chest and bullies me. I don’t take kindly to bullying by anyone or anything especially if it’s my own body messing with me. It hurts. But what hurts worse is if I do nothing. If I let it out run me, out walk me, out think me, out class me. Sometimes it’s just about closing my eyes to music and letting my hands draw whatever nonsense on paper it wants with no intent. Sometimes I look at my husband and know his anxiety is a hundred times worse than mine. His anxiety attacks mimic heart attacks, and I put him first. My depression and anxiety tend to show up when I’m alone with my thoughts and not active. When I’m not writing, playing, concentrating – they sneak up. I know because the second someone else is in need, I concentrate on them and I feel whole and useful. Depression and anxiety, as you’ve said ‘is a dick’. True that. But also know you help us more than you realize. I have a handful of mantras I live by. My favorite is, “you’re not always going to be where you want to be, when you want to be there; but you will always be where you’re needed, whether you want to be or not.” You touch a lot of lives Wil Wheaton, and all for the better. We thank you. /hugs or rather 2f 68 75 67 (hexadecimal version).
I don’t have any words of wisdom and I’m spiraling a bit too hard to offer much hope to anyone. But I made these virtual cookies for you hold out virtual plate No calories and they’re whatever flavour you can imagine. I admire you for your honesty and talent and I’m always, always rooting for you. 🙂
Ugh, that sucks. I hope your brainweasels retreat into their cages soon. The way they can amplify disappointment like that is incredibly unfair and so hard to get through. Just know that there are people who care about you, and we’re here to support whatever projects you’re involved with.
Man, depression sucks. And it’s evil friend anxiety sucks too. My husband deals with both of these on a (semi)-regular basis and it just sucks. Remember Wil that you are awesome, just like my husband is awesome, and you will both come out of the shitstorm eventually and we will all be here for you. Just like that stupid Friends song. Which is now in my head. Great.
Thanks so much for writing and speaking about this, and allowing us to share in your triumphs and battles, even when it sucks. It really helps to know that you are not alone and we are not alone. You rock.
You are the primary reason I no longer feel like I’m the only one who occasionally goes to this weird dark place where nothing is good, even though from the outside everything is good.
I got on meds which help immensely and I talk about this wierd part of my brain that lies and lies and lies to anyone who will listen.
You gave me the courage to do both of those things.
You do great things every day and while I’m sad that I can’t take the lead blanket away from you, I need you to know that there are those who love and appreciate you.
This was perfect ❤ “If you’re one of those people who decides that talking about this is whining, please stop reading this now and go fuck yourself.” Also riding the roller coaster. I’ve been loving your honesty for years. It’s helped me stand up and be honest myself. Much love.
Thank you. You describe it perfectly. (((((((Hugs)))))))
I can relate entirely. I generally can keep both my Depression & Anxiety in check between liberal doses of puppy cuddles & my own mental exercises of reminding myself of the things I’m lucky for.
I just got back from this amazing holiday in USA, met up with brilliant friends again, did some awesome things I never drempt I’d do, and was so pumped when I got home to really ramp up my activity.
I arrived in on the Tuesday, had to work Wed-Fri because of important events, I was tired but ok.
I pulled up out the front of my house after work Friday & was met with a group of people running out of my front door, into a waiting car and speeding off. I got out, in shock, panic. I yelled, hurled abuse. I managed to get the plate number, called the police.
I didn’t sleep that night, barely did anything on Saturday. I just couldn’t. They’d invaded my space. Took things I valued. They took my spare car keys too so I’ve had the threat now over my head they’ll come back for it too.
4 days later. I’m at work. Assessor doesn’t come until tomorrow. Police haven’t found them or the stolen car they used.
I’m jumping at shadows and noises. I look at every damn car to see if it’s that plate. Someone walks past my house & I wonder if it’s them casing it. Even if I take the car to the shops, I club lock it and have nothing of value inside.
I never used to live like this. I value people, I think they’re all inherently good. But one event can trigger so much and just turn your world upside down. I’ve been surrounded by love and condolences and offers of help. It should be enough to counter it, to reset the system, but it hasn’t yet. And that’s what’s eating me inside the most.
The most valuable thing they stole I can’t claim on insurance or report to police. I just want my feeling of safe back…
I am sorry you go through all of this but I am grateful that the world feels a little less lonely. Thank you for always sharing you and for never giving up. We have your hand wil wheaton. Be well
Thank you for your honesty. I have been a fan of your acting and writing for a long time, and I love how open you are about mental health. I have recently been diagnosed with postpartum anxiety (which I didn’t even know was a thing), but I’ve had it for 6 years (all the while just thinking I was crazy). Everything you write about Depression and Anxiety really resonates with me and makes me feel less alone and a little less crazy.
I completely understand what you’re talking about. I’m not an actor, but I am a substitute teacher and the process for getting some job feels remarkably similar to what you describe. I too never get the job and it’s brutal. And the worst part is the hope. I’m up for a job right now and as much as I’m trying to stay zenith about it, I can already feel that basted hope rising in my chest and I’m already dreading the lead blanket that’s going to smother it….
“The fun** thing about anxiety and exhaustion is that, for me, they feel largely indistinguishable from each other, and one typically feeds the other in a perpetual motion cycle that is horribly efficient.”
This. THIS. THIS. THIS! I have fibromyalgia and which causes/exacerbates anxiety and depression. and this is a perfect description of the nasty cycle you go through.
Congratulations on pushing through to get out an move your body. This is not easy. Congratulations on identifying the cause of what your feelings are. When I get it bad I can’t see anything in my life as positive.
I hope it dissipates soon, and thanks for sharing your struggles
I’m really sorry you didn’t get the role, man. Just remember: you didn’t miss out on an opportunity. Instead, there is a production out there that isn’t living up to it’s full potential because they chose to pass on your talent. And you shouldn’t feel bad over their poor decision.
Hug
So sorry to hear this. It sucks so bad. I don’t know what else to say except I understand just a tiny bit of how sucky this is and I hope it can be better for you soon.
Depression and anxiety are just little liars. I think it’s important that you talk about your struggles because it helps others who don’t talk about it. Big hugs to you!
I’ve read your blog for a long time man and I’ve got to be honest, I feel like acting is that asshole ex that you just can’t shake off. When things go right with this ex they go so very right that you may have wondered why you even split up in the first place. When things go bad though, that ex makes you feel worthless just for being alive. I don’t know man. You seem very happy when you write…
You’re not wrong.
Depression and anxiety are huge fucking asshole liars.
My anxiety tends to send me into being pissed off at anything and everything, when it’s bad. This is not helpful, either in my personal life or at work (I can’t actually go off on people who, for various reasons, might or might not benefit from my going off on them…working with the public, even at a remove, man…) First I get pissed, then I get teary. The depression bit shows in my housekeeping (or lack of) almost more than anything else. I do enough to avoid the place becoming a total germy pit but I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to recycling or trash (not nasty kitchen trash, other stuff) but it’s. just. sitting. there. I really should find a nonjudgemental person to help me move that shit out.
I got on a new med in the last couple of months that’s helped a lot, but yeah, I have my bad days. And I will happily put a boot up the ass of anybody who accuses you of whining about it. It sucks so hard. Lots of us know that, unfortunately from our own experience.
I think I need to go to bed and cuddle with my cat. Tomorrow…well, at least tomorrow isn’t Monday.
I’ve read some truly inspiring words in response to your post. It’s refreshing to see that people really care enough to share their own stories, and advice with you. I won’t pretend that I have anything profound or enlightening to say, so I won’t. But like so many others, I understand a bit of what you’re going through, man, so try and keep that chin up, and I wish you a great week.
Never had to do battle with the depression beast myself… but I cannot imagine having to go through the crazy audition rollercoaster actors must endure. Tough tough business. Much respect.
This is the nut of it. The nut of everything.
We expect order, a narrative, plateaus, safe spots, finish lines, oases.
They mostly don’t exist. Or when they do, transiently, and erratically.
Our time here is chaotic and we can die for no good reason. Just disappear. We can also explode into good fortune for no reason. This is hard for people to reconcile because they believe, erroneously, that hard work is rewarded, that smart or empathetic people find peace.
I’m no longer religious. Was decades ago. I think this is why people cling to superstition. Why people need celestial fathers and angels at their elbows (or in the outfield). No one wants to live their life knowing that a piece of masonry can get blown off a building and end their existence. Or that a tremor can collapse their home.
But that’s what we get.
I generally refrain from providing personal details online. Generally.
I have been posting online since the late 80s. AOL, Prodigy, eWorld (believe it or not), CompuServe. All of that shiz runs together now. Over the course of that time my remarks usually (but not always) stay away from too many personal deets. But inspired by our man Wil’s relentless and bold revelations and admissions in the face of consistent fire from the asshats in distant foxholes, I think I’ll drop a few.
I’ve been teaching English in China for the past six weeks and will for another ten months and two weeks. This is a part of China that is not typically frequented by foreigners. It’s a large city though. Millions. Not some village. The locals note my coming and going, but are fairly cool about it. Kids notice and don’t conceal their surprise. I’m a typical white dude, nothing special (in the states), but I guess 2% past its sell-by date is still an exotic beverage in this part of the world. But less so every day.
Today, I’m spending time preparing a class I’ll have to teach on Thursday. I’m teaching the Chinese staff “How to Relate to Foreigners.” The mostly American (but a few Brits) do the language teaching and Chinese TAs support them. I’m teaching those TAs. I have total autonomy in crafting my lesson. I’ll get back to that shortly.
Reason I mention this is because my ex-wife teaches business people how to integrate in foreign business cultures. That’s her career. She’s an extrovert, a sunny people person. I am an introvert/extrovert who is alternately sunny and deeply misanthropic. The egghead who is a jock. The jock who is an egghead. A paradox, and humans generally don’t like paradoxes. They are intrigued by paradoxes, but ultimately shun them. It reminds them of their own mortality.
Point is, I didn’t see this class coming. They asked me, and I accepted because I’ll step up when needed, but also because when a task seems difficult I am even more likely to accept. I’ve failed/”failed” a lot taking this approach. And my successes are not easily quantified.
I’m currently in a place I want to be facing challenges I did not expect to face. Is this good? Is this bad? It doesn’t matter. It is.
So getting back to my course and my total freedom to teach as I please. I think cultural differences generally are overrated. This was one disagreement my ex-wife and I had. She thought cultural differences were deep and meaningful. I thought humans mostly want to fawk, eat, have nice things, and live in a pleasant hovel. Sometimes they put on colorful cloth at holidays. They pray to trees, sky, or carpenters as the whim strikes. Traveling widely for decades, I’ve been surprised and a little disappointed how similar humans are all over. I don’t get distracted by the symbols, flags, or musical instruments. I look for commonalities.
The easy way to teach this class is to tell the Chinese staff “what Americans do.” But I don’t think Americans are remotely similar. And I’ve always been of the opinion that those who characterize humans based primarily around place of birth are weak-minded, lazy, and poorly informed. Americans are not monolithic. No nation is. Anywhere. Anyone vaguely familiar with the concept of red/blue states knows this, but foreigners can make the mistake of assuming Americans think alike. Sadly, a few instructors at my school perpetuate this. I like to think of it as an Epcot/It’s a Small World view of our planet.
I’m considering just showing episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and dissecting it bit by bit.
Because the way one relates to Americans is the same way that one relates to anyone. You just talk to them.
But that’s a short-ass lesson.
Now, let’s watch Larry.
Yes, Spudnuts is getting paid to indoctrinate foreigners.
My next mission… bring the gospel of Kenny Powers to North Korea.
Wishing you good fortune & success on the class you spoke of!
Oh wait a second, I do have some advice…What you need to do is grab Anne, and hop on the next flight to Montreal, if you have the time and funds. Once you get there, find a fancy hotel (there are a few right downtown, near some interesting “gentlemen’s clubs” that you don’t need to visit)…then walk to the top of Mount Royal. Once you get there, take a look at the city, and tell Anne how much you love her. Always worked for me (except , of course, I don’t grab your Anne, I grab mine). Jokes aside…everything else seems so small when you look at shit differently. I drove two hours just to get a coffee with the Mrs…stuff like that always worked for me. And if you get a chance, take a look at the Olympic Stadium…it’s a nice building, but somebody screwed up the roof, and knowing that just makes me laugh like hell, because it just feels so damn good that I wasn’t the guy who messed up that bad.
Hi, Wil. I just want you to know that, even though you don’t come on too regularly, it’s been a treat each of the times you’ve appeared on Dark Matter. I highly anticipate the return of Tabletop, as well.
Screw it, this comment is going to be longer than I meant it to be when I started typing.
Anxiety and depression suck; I, too, suffer from those conditions and try to deal with them proactively by being as creative as I can with characters, storylines, and worlds for my D&D campaigns. You’re an absolute inspiration to me. I still have this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_BtmV4JRSc marked on my favorites bar to watch whenever I feel bad about myself. Your answer to that mother about why being a nerd is awesome changed my life. It made me realize that I can unabashedly love the things I love and go headfirst into them, which has allowed me to become a much more content person overall.
I know that depression and anxiety aren’t rational, but your open and honest posts coupled with who you are have made all the difference to me. I want you to know how grateful I am that you are who you are and that you do what you do.
Thank you.
I am not an actor; I don’t have any experience in that sphere.
It seems to me that part of what you wrote is seeking validation: is this anxiety/depression being caused by the audition valid?
Of course it’s valid. As a complete outsider, as a complete stranger on the Internet: yes, totally valid. Depression lies, remember, and were the tables reversed, I’m guessing you’d be shaking your head sympathetically: what a stupid question, of course it’s totally valid. But, of course, it’s not even a little stupid to you.
I wish you the best in getting out of this funk.
There are many, many people on and off this blog who would love to see you on their screens, myself included. But going through this over and over again until someone from the industry realises as much… I don’t know, Wil… Is it worth it? I know how deep depression can go (suicide was a viable and looked forward to option to me for two decades), and you seem so much happier when you’re writing… Personally I’d rather see you happy than unappreciated and hurt, even if it does mean missing you on TV. This weekend I went to a Con in Amsterdam, and I am more than terrified of people, so it was hard…. But a lady there was dressed as Sparks McGee and before I knew it my hand was on her shoulder and I asked whether I could take her picture. Seeing her cosplay made me feel joyous and spontaneous, and she was surprised and delighted that I asked. Even when you’re not attending Cons, you bring some happiness (and a small miracle) into people’s lives. You chose to take it easy for a bit convention wise because it alleviated stress and anxiety, and for you it was the right choice to make. But we still love you at cons and fans still find each other. Maybe weigh the pro’s and cons of auditioning the same way? Do what you feel you must, just know that more than wanting a piece of you though tv/dvd/whatever, to quite a few people here, your personal happiness is much more important. We love you and your work that much. Whatever you do, try to put yourself and your lovely family first.
Wil,
Thank you for your insightful writing about depression. I too fight my own struggle with it. Your articulation of your experience is helpful to me.
Peace,
Kevin
My assistant manager at work said to me recently, “You should have been an actor.” I told her that I’d done some acting in my youth and loved it, especially improv, and I was a Theatre major for one semester of college, but I switched to English when I learned that one of the requirements for Theatre was auditioning for plays every semester. My mental health wasn’t great in college and the thought of auditioning gave me anxiety attacks. Even now that I’m medicated and in therapy, when I read your posts about auditioning, I feel this horrible anxiety. When you post about getting a role, I’m so happy for you, and excited to see you on screen. When you post about not getting a role you auditioned for, I feel awful for you. And either way, I know that I don’t have it in me to go through that myself. Whatever the lying, unhelpful voices in your head say to you about auditioning, I’m sincerely impressed at your perseverance. And I always found Charlie Brown inspiring because when it came to kicking that fucking football and playing another losing baseball game, he always showed up believing he had it within himself to do it right this time.
And for what it’s worth, I thought you killed it in Friday night’s Dark Matter. I don’t know if it was Peter DeLuise’s direction or that it was your second time in the role or what, but you seemed more comfortable in Alexander Rook’s skin. You were a blast to watch.
Your analogy to that scary (but necessary) dental vest one has to wear for x-rays was spot-on. I too, even with meds will find myself emotionally tipped towards static (my term for panic/anxiety) by the flu or a relatively minor rejection by a friend or at work. Your primary profession requires an inner protective suit rivaling any superhero accessory. Your stamina and ability to put yourself out there is admirable. Think of rejection as a bad bruise or sprain, only in this case the requisite healing time is to repair your soul. Whoa, way too pretentious 😉 I should never blog. Any way… rest and fight again another day.
Don’t suffer from it myself, but anyone who calls this whining is just fundamentally lacking in empathy. Stay strong Wil, and everyone.
Thank you for again, putting in words all the things I want to express but too often can’t seem to make people see. Replace “audition” with “interview”* and it’s why I’m still in an entry level position while less experienced people move onwards and upwards. Because I just lo-ove the daren’t anticipates followed by the “see, told-ya. fucked it up again.”** thought-train. So thank you for saying it so well. Sympathy fist-bump from an Internet stranger, if you are okay with that.
Really, acting isno different than any job hunt, lots of people work on term contracts and have to find something new through no fault of their own. If people can’t understand and sympathise, it’s probably because they’re lucky enough to not be in that grind(er).
**No caps because Depression doesn’t yell, it whispers behind its hand just loudly enough so you can hear; the bully that laughs while gossiping how lame you are.
Slightly off topic, but can we all agree that people who suggest mental illness is some kind of gift that is part of our unique personality/creativity /whatever… Can they just fuck off, too?
Your analogy of the lead vest at the dentist’s office is so perfect, Wil. That’s exactly what it feels like to me, too. I find there is a conflicting, dichotomous relationship with that vest – it’s hugging me, providing a snug layer of protection, while also making it very difficult to breathe or move.
Wil,
In the midst of your feelings of suffocating you are yet able to say that you are super proud of the work you are writing, and even use blue ink to highlight it for us (for yourself). This is a good thing; this is even an excellent thing; being able to acknowledge and even be pleased about one strong area of your life suggests you have not fallen entirely into the pits of despair, even if through your eyes and heart sometimes it feels like you have taken up residence there.
I love your writing. It is full and fluid and draws me in to want to read more.
Your writing about your struggles with auditions, and the accompanying battles you go through, is courageous and raw. There are things you say that are far too close to things I often feel.
Breathe, Wil…..please breathe….and then breathe again….and yet again…..
Hi Wil, I have always been a fan of yours and got into you when I was in Jr. High and watched Star Trek with my dad. (so I blame him for my crush on Riker, and then my crush on Weasley all his fault! lol, stupid teenage brains) Any ways that aside. One thing I didn’t know about you is that you suffer from Anxiety and Depression. I never paid enough attention to things to know this and only caught it due to the emergency pets and was wondering what the hell was going on. I am not big on putting my nose into lives of other people and unless I caught it when it happens I don’t think about things that are not right now. I can’t it hurts too much.
On to why I am writing… right…
I too suffer from Depression and Anxiety and I just wanted to come and say THANK YOU!
A HUGE THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart!! I appreciate it so much… let me explain.
I love when I see that other people are living with the same thing I live with. It gives me hope more so when I see them do things they want to do and enjoy what they do do. I love seeing no matter how we* grew up, what jobs we have, what we do to get through day by day, if we are rich or poor, everyone can be subjected to this horrible curse that is Anxiety and Depression.
I love seeing everyone** else who are supportive give hugs, and well wishes, I love seeing the animals, and the ice cream, I love seeing those who do not look down on us with sad eyes and pity, but look at us and smile and offer a bit of friendship and a shoulder.
WE ARE NOT ALONE! NO ONE should suffer ALONE!
I am so happy for you that you have that BEAUTIFUL wife of yours, and a huge support network in the aspects of friends and fans! Even if it was just the Wife, some times it just takes that ONE person to look at you like you are not broken, that you are not damaged, and that things are good and you will survive it all. Just takes one person to do that for someone. I am glad you have yours.
Take care of yourself and I hope this spell is short, and that you move forward. KEEP WALKING, KEEP MOVING! and remember to Just Breath!
And this is not a message just for Wil, it is for all of us who hold this really thin thread on our world. To those of us under that horrible Vest right now, and for those of us who are dancing on the moon right now. This is for us all. JUST BREATH!
Phynix
*The people who suffer
**those who do not suffer
I hear you, man. The last week or two for me has been dominated by stretches of feeling like I’m walking around covered in a very heavy wet blanket.
Thank you for posting. I have these demons as well that tell me why try! I have various ways to own them, including reality checks and mental curse outs to tell these evil wonder twins how I really feel.
This will sound cliche, but don’t let these assholes steal your joy. Don’t let them own you. You are an incredible person with courage and depth of character. I wish you nothing but the best.
Thanks, Wil, for being willing to be so vulnerable as to talk about this here. It resonates with many of us, judging from other readers’ comments. As a writer, actor, and producer; one who suffers from D & E, I know your struggle well. Hang in there, and keep sharing with us; it helps more than you might imagine. (On good days, I still hope to make a film with you.)
I can’t imagine being an actor and having to go through that sort of anticipation and rejection so often…with or without mental illness to go along with it. I admire y’all for being able to stick with it for the sake of art. Thank you for that. 🙂
As always Wil, thank you for sharing. It helps all of us remember that we are not alone, and even though in my eyes, you are successful and awesome, even you don’t feel it some days. Just like the rest of us.
You’re not the only one. What you describe is one of the big reasons I left L.A.. It’s kind of like the movie “It Follows”: you can sprint to get ahead of it, but you’ll have to stop and rest, and then it will catch up to you. So then you have the burdensome choice of walking with it forever just at your heels or running as hard as you can just so you can get a break every once in a while. It’s a tough choice to make, and if you don’t have to make it, you’ll probably never understand. LLAP
I know that you know this is irrational thinking and I too was the king for a very long time. My psychiatrist suggested I try tms therapy – a little magnetic brain zapping. It has worked wonders. Maybe it’s for you or maybe it’s for a reader or maybe it’s not, but it has worked wonders for me, so much so I am hoping to stop or at least reduce the medications over the next few months. https://neurostar.com/?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Patient_Neurostar_Therapy&utm_term=electromagnetic%20therapy%20for%20depression&utm_content=Neurostar_Therapy_Broad
Good Luck, if you don’t get the part, perhaps you’ll get the next. Just keep swimming.
Thank you for sharing this. I found it helpful not just for my own benefit with my fun fun struggles of depression and anxiety but also for helping me find some perspective to be a better support person to loved ones suffering from depression and anxiety, too. Thanks for having the courage to talk about it, Wil.
Just wanted to thank you (again) for your candor in speaking out about your experience with anxiety & depression. It sadly feels so familiar to me. And I want to commend you for continuing to go out on auditions, because it seems like it would be so easy to just stop. But going to them in itself is a giant middle finger to the illness, and I love that you keep going. I admit I’ve stopped going on interviews/seeking out the job I really want to do because I get my hopes up and then….nothing. It’s really crushing, especially when I consider how much of my future is just in someone else’s hands. I’m so, so glad you keep auditioning, not only because then we will get to see you in something awesome someday, but because it reminds us all that ‘the thing worth doing is always hard’. Thank you.
Hugs Wil. Bravo to putting yourself out there. You’re still lapping the rest of us who dare not even try.
Me too, Wil.
Geeeeze, you think it will just give up some day, but it never does, does it? Thank you for always sharing your struggles. It shows a lot of us that we are not alone in our own struggles.