Near the beginning of June, someone asked me if I was planning to do any travel during the summer.
“No, I’m staying home to write a book,” I said.
“Oh? What’s it about?”
“It’s a collection of short stories that I’ve been wanting to tell for a long time, but haven’t had time to tell, because I’ve been doing other people’s work for the last couple of years.”
“That sounds like a cool project. And the year is only halfway done!”
“There’s another way of saying that,” I said. “The year is already halfway done.”
And so here we are, past the halfway point of the year. A long way past it, actually. Today is the 244th day of the year. There are 122 days left in 2016. Better start your holiday shopping.
I never thought I would have a midlife crisis, because the way they are depicted in media and pop culture are anathema to me: the sports car, the clothes that look ridiculous on someone my age, fucking someone young enough to be my kid. These are all things I would never do (things that are pretty gross to me, actually) so I just figured that it wouldn’t happen to me.
But I read Henry Rollins’ column in the current issue of LA Weekly, and he mentioned something about having more days behind him than in front of him, and I realized that, yes, I’m having a midlife crisis. It’s not that I want or need to do any of those gross things I just listed; it’s the feeling that there are more days behind me than ahead of me. It’s the feeling that I’m running out of time to do the things I want to do, and the fear that comes with that. It’s feeling the world around me change and leave me behind. It’s seeing young people who have no idea just how fast they’re going to be me. I guess it’s the feeling that motivated me to do this reboot in the first place. I may have fewer days behind me than in front of me (or maybe not; my generation is probably going to live for a really long time, maybe even to a point when we can upload ourselves into computers … unless we’ve already uploaded ourselves into computers and all of this is an illusion) but I’m going to make the most of them, to the best of my ability.
So let’s check in and see how things are going.
For those of you who have forgotten, or who are here for the first time, the changes I decided to make late last year are:
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
Drink less beer. So I quit drinking entirely in January, so this feels like a cheat and an easy A. I’m keeping this on the list, though, because I like that I make an affirmative choice every day to not drink, and to dig deeper into the reasons behind that. I’ve been thinking a lot about this particular part of my reboot, especially all the reasons I drank more alcohol than was healthy for me, and how my life is different since I quit. More than anything else, I just feel more present in my life. I get more out of my days. I’m more productive, I’m healthier, and I’ve lost nearly all the weight I wanted to lose (this goddamn last 1.5 pounds is turning out to be as reluctant to fuck off as it was when it was 3 pounds, and it tasks me.)
The last week or so has been really shitty for my Depression and anxiety, and choosing to not add the depressant effect of alcohol (that tricks you into thinking that it is the opposite of that, when it’s actually making everything so much worse) is the right thing for me. Because I have been present in my life, because I have been willing to face the good and bad things head on, because I have refused to be a victim and because it’s been really fucking hard for the last ten or so days, I have earned an A+.
Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading). I finally read Cat’s Cradle, and it blew my mind. It inspired me to think about a lot of things from a Bokononist perspective, and I haven’t processed all of it, but I still find a lot of comfort and serenity in it. Busy, busy, busy. I picked up William Gibson’s The Peripheral again, after putting it down a couple months ago. It’s dense, and in true Gibson fashion, demands to be carefully read and re-read, rewarding me or leaving me behind, accordingly. It isn’t light reading at all, but it’s enjoyable, interesting, and keeping me turning pages. I’ve read three issues of Lightspeed Magazine, caught up on several issues of Mental Floss, Mother Jones, The Nation, Playboy, and WIRED. I’ve been reading almost every day, and deliberately getting offline to read almost every evening. I just picked up a couple of books for writers yesterday, and I’m picking around them. More on those next time. For the month of August, though: A+.
Write more. Well, I’ve done 18000 words this month just one one story, plus close to another 12000 or so on my blog and various other places online and off. Until I got distracted and tried to kick Lucy’s Audition football twice in a week, I was feeling super productive, very content, and like a real creative artist. I haven’t written every day, but that’s okay. The thing about writing (at least for me) is that I can be writing when I’m not sitting at the keyboard. It’s a state of mind as much as anything else, and I am in it. One of the reasons I put this on my list was to make myself choose to write, instead of doing something else, like play games or fuck off, or wrap myself in a blanket of Depression and try not to suffocate. I have had the single most productive month of the year, building on a very productive and satisfying month of July. When people ask me what I do, I can honestly, confidently, and proudly say, “I’m a writer.” A+
Watch more movies. Like writing, this was something I needed to change because I was spending too much time looking at Twitter because someone was wrong on the Internet, reading Reddit because someone was wrong on the Internet, and not entertaining and inspiring myself with movies because someone was wrong on the Internet. I watched a ton of movies this month, from weird, experimental Kenneth Anger films to Republic Serials, to modern films that I was late to the party on. Two standout films for me were The Invitation, and Guardians of the Galaxy. “Wait, Wil Wheaton,” you are saying, “Guardians of the Galaxy came out a hundred years ago in Internet time!” You are right. I have tried to watch it at least half a dozen times, but I kept finding myself looking at it instead of watching it, because the visual effects are so fucking incredible. I finally forced myself to stop doing that, and just enjoy the story. It’s easily my favorite of all the Marvel movies to date, edging out Deadpool by a Groot. Anne and I also started Daredevil (holy shit is it amazing) and finished Outcast (Kirkman, call me if you need a guy like me because I love your show). I also started Bojack Horseman, which I had avoided because it looked like one of those Adult Swim stoner shows, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which I just hadn’t gotten around to watching. So: I was totally wrong about Bojack Horseman. It’s incredible, and I can relate to it in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is hilarious, and Rachel Bloom is a national goddamn treasure who we don’t deserve. I include television with movies because we are living in a moment of nearly perfect television that is, on average, more entertaining than most movies. Part of being an artist is finding inspiration in other people’s work, and I’m getting a ton of inspiration from the performances and the filmmaking that I see on television. A+
Get better sleep. WELP. Something had to wreck the curve, and this is it. In my defense, it’s not my fault. I’m doing everything I can to get better sleep: wearing the dumb goggles before bed, reading before bed, sticking to a regular schedule as best as I can, no caffeine in the afternoons, and regular exercise. But the things that are outside of my control, like my stupid goddamn broken fucking brain that insists on waking me up at 2am every fucking morning so it can remind me about all the things I hate about myself, or my stupid goddamn brain deciding to wake me up every hour just to remind me that it can, so ha ha ha who’s laughing now, meatbag. My nightmares are relentless and I wake up almost every morning feeling like I’ve hardly slept at all. I’m sure it’s not a coincidence that this has lined up almost exactly with the worst Depression and Anxiety I’ve felt in months. If I were to base this on my effort, I get an A, because I really am doing all that I can, but — you know what? I am going to give myself an A. It’s not my fault that my brain is being an asshole.
Eat better food. When I started my reboot, my diet was garbage. Sure, I tried to tell myself otherwise, but a 44 year-old can not live on burritos alone and expect to stay healthy. I’ve been doing a pretty good job staying on target with my calorie and macronutrient goals, and what was threatening to become a serious ice cream situation is mostly under control. When we eat out, which is rare, we always go to someplace that makes healthful food, but mostly we cook our meals at home. I can’t look at the last month or so and say, “well, this was garbage” over and over again, so I’m on target with this one, too. Because I could probably dial back ice cream a little bit (cholesterol is a thing we middle-aged dudes have to worry about), I’m giving myself a B+.
Exercise more. I’m running almost every day, and the days that I don’t run, I’m walking my dogs. I adjusted my step goal to 7000 from 10000, because I felt it was better to succeed at a realistic goal, than it was to consistently fail the ideal goal. I’m in season 2 of Zombies, Run!, and I have my average up to 5K or about 35 minutes, whichever comes first. I’m doing a combination of running and walking, so my time isn’t as fast as it would be if I was training, but I don’t care about that. I’d like to get myself up to running for 30 minutes without stopping, so I can start training to do 10K, and then a half marathon in the next six months or so. I’m proud of myself, because I have made myself put on the shoes and hit the road even when I haven’t really wanted to. I don’t make excuses, I make steps and then strides, and before I know it I’ve done my exercise and I am always glad that I did. A friend of mine has this concept of “Future Me” who is always grateful to “Past Me” for doing something that “Present Me” is happy about. I think maybe I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s been a helpful way for me to think about stuff. I like Future Me, and I want to do nice things for Future Me, especially when Past Me was selfish and Present Me is feeling shitty because of it. All the versions of me get an A this month.
Okay let’s total up my score and see how I did. Last month, I thought I was on track for an A+, but I didn’t quite get there. I got 28/30 for an A, which was still pretty great, all things considered, and this month it’s …. (you can’t tell, but that ellipsis, actually represents about two minutes of counting and scoring): 31/30! Holy shit I get a very high A, that I could probably curve up to A+ if I wanted, but I won’t because I want to really earn it without a curve when it happens.
One last thing I wanted to mention, that may interest you if you’ve read this far: I have had a ton of help from my son, Nolan, who is an internationally licensed trainer, with certifications in fitness nutrition and performance nutrition. Nolan has guided and counseled me every step of the way, and it has made all the difference.
Nolan has started doing remote training, using e-mail and videoconferencing to guide and help his clients. If you’re interested in having a professional help you reach your fitness and/or nutrition goals, I know that he can help you. He’s at Nolan Wheaton dot Com. Tell him that I sent you.
I know that some of you are rebooting with me. How’s it going?
The level of commitment you have with your reboot and keeping track of your progress has influenced me on my own journey. Ive lost the weight i needed to lose and am trying to also keep track of my own progress.
Good job Wil,
I’m always supporting your family. Had Ryan help me with a writing project a few years back and donated to Pasadena Humane Society a time or two for Anne and I did get some advice from Nolan that did help, although the timing clashed with my trip to LA and I didn’t want to admit I didn’t fully commit. My excuse is the 6 year old and two two year olds and I probably use it too often but they are exhausting. Mentally I am taxed. I’m keeping the info in the hopes I can try again and stick to it.
In other news, yesterday I was researching a trip for a client who wants to go to Switzerland and found out there is a city called Wil there. You probably knew that.
Also…. Daredevil Daredevil Daredevil, omg I am watching it right now for like the 10th time. Soooooo goooooood.
Went through my own mid-life crisis a few years back and, interestingly enough, I wrote my way out of it. Ended up self-publishing 112,000 word book of historical fiction, set in the Elizabethan era. Probably more sensible and better for me than a blonde and a Ferrari…
One of the key reasons I went in that direction was the constant refrain you mention on your blog over the years about taking the chance to put something creative out there, so thanks for all your support, and I’m directing some of that karma back at you! Good luck and keep going!
I’ve lost nearly fifty pounds this year, gotten my blood pressure down from 174/130 to 137/74, and manned up to my broken brain by getting appropriate help. For the last three months, I’ve written 1k words a day,with two missed days that whole time. This is the first time I’ve put all that to paper. I’m so happy you are doing so well with your goals Wil, I wish you many days of continued success!
high five
Have you considered consulting a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders? Waking up once every hour is neither normal nor healthy, and it’s entirely possible there may be something you could be doing about that. Strikes me as worth a try at least. (If you’ve already done this and I’m just being hlepy, then apologies and never mind.)
I don’t know if this counts as rebooting, but in June I finally decided that I had to work with my malfunctioning endocrine system (Hashimoto’s and PCOS) instead of against it and drain off the pounds of water I was constantly carrying around due to inflammation before Bad Things Happened. Three months later I’ve stuck to a food plan (it’s not a diet — it’s the way I’ll be eating for the rest of my life), weight is dropping off slowly but steadily, I feel sooooo much better, and ironically I’m now drinking half my body weight in ounces of water every day and eating way more than I ever did. I miss Mexican food (can’t eat nightshades so tomatoes and peppers are out), but on the whole I’m happy with the changes.
Wil, this is the best month you’ve had, grade-wise, since I’ve started reading your blog. Plus, you inspired me to get up and do something about my own depression. So for that you get an A+++! What you did was make me think about the causes of my misery. Why do I feel like crying every day, all day? There is no reason for it. No real reason except my stupid brain. So I made an appointment and started medication today. I’ve had this before and have been treated for depression and anxiety most of my adult life. I went off meds last year thinking that now that I’m 50 and all my kids are grown and I have a job that pays the bills and good health insurance it should all be good. Right? Nope. It’s not all good when you have a disease. And I should practice what I would preach to others and what I have actually said to my step-son who was diagnosed with Type I diabetes when he was 10 years old: You have a disease. It is terribly unfortunate and you do not deserve it but you have it. You must own it and take proper care of it.
So I am owning it. And while I may have done this on my own, it is your bravery, Wil Wheaton, that kick-started the process. For that I thank you. Keep up the good work. You’re an inspiration to us all.
Sincerely,
I had rebooted last year, but I hit a wall of some sort and it went south. However, I started a reboot last week and so far quite good, so hooray! I am retiring in about a year so my plan is to stay on my plan…I like the thought of taking care of future me, as I do have less years to go than I’ve already gone.
Congrats on a successful check in, Wil, so great to hear you are keeping on track. You inspire us majorly…
Also, I like Guardians of the Galaxy too.
I am further down that road than you and have thought about that exact phrase. What I have come to accept is that the days in front of me, while perhaps not as many, will be quality days that I can appreciate far more than my past days. It is how I deal with it.
Wil, I’m confused. You have said you were on medication to help control your brain and depression and you see a therapist so why isn’t that working for you? You sound worse off than ever. Why isn’t the alarm bell setting off for your therapist to help you and possibly change up your meds? Isn’t he/she concerned enough to help you? If I was a loved one, I’d be very worried by your recent postings and would try and get you the help you most surely need. At times, when you often write about your depression, you almost sound like you’ve given up. Yeah, it’s commendable you’re still doing well on the other parts of your reboot but your constant postings about being depressed outweighs the good stuff. As a fan, I’m very concerned about your well-being and would like to see you around for a long time so if your loved ones and therapist isn’t seeing the warning signs, then it’s up to you to ask for help and get the support you need to take back control of your life.
I appreciate your concern. I’m really okay. It’s been a rough ten or so days, but that happens. I know that it happens, I know that it’s irrational, and that it will eventually go away.
I don’t feel comfortable getting into the medical stuff, but I’m really doing okay, and my doctors know what’s happening in my life and in my brain. I have no intention of ever harming myself.
That is so good to know and a huge relief to me. I just want you to be happy, like you make your fans. I have in the past and will continue to wish you the best. Take care, Wil.
I am one of the lucky ones that doesn’t struggle with depression but from what I understand about it, medication doesn’t completely eradicate it, it just helps control it. I think, like the rest of us, people with depression have good days and bad days, it’s just that their bad days can be really bad! This is why we need more focus on mental health issues in this country and more research dollars on possible solutions.
I don’t reboot.
I just boot.
This has inspired me to really commit to a reboot. I recently stopped drinking soda, so that’s step 1. I ought to eat better. I am a writer also, and getting word counts has been difficult lately.
I’ve lost 20 lbs this month during my reboot, and 47 lbs in total. This is a huge victory. My other goals, such as reading, writing, meditating to help with anxiety and depression, and watching more movies have fallen completely to the way said. I started a new job which also derailed the reboot. The new job work schedule completely jacked up my “unemployment reboot” plans.
I’ve started thinking about it as a reboot every time the sun rises. As the sun rises, it’s like a monitor screen glowing after the restart, so I’ve been relishing that exact image. I liked what you said about the future me, past me, present me. I’m going to add that to my repertoire of INS sayings.
In other news, one of my other goals in which I achieved and A+, is to play more games (thanks for that). Lara Croft, D&D, and Dead of Winter, are just a few from the long list of games I’ve played with my friends and family.
I happened to post this on Medium yesterday. Delete it if I shouldn’t post the link here; you’ll see from my stats that on Medium, I write strictly for myself. 🙂 But it might mean something in your journey. https://medium.com/@LornaCodes/when-the-student-is-ready-the-teacher-appears-4d277bbf9295#.qpxwsdeko
I hope this isn’t insensitive, but when did Nolan start using the last name Wheaton? I know that you adopted Ryan, but I thought Nolan still went by his bio dad’s surname.
Congratulations on the A+. Especially since the depressionanxiety dick monster poked it’s liar’s face out and made you stare at it for a week. Speaking from experience, it’s not an easy thing to look away. Keep up the good work.
Nolan asked me to adopt him last summer, and we made it official in the fall.
Then an additional and massive congratulations is in order! What an amazing family you have.
Awesome. 🙂
That’s awesome. Congrats, dad.
Thanks for sharing this, Wil. As someone who’s been struggling with my own mid-life “days ahead/days behind” feelings and with depression lately, this was an inspiring read for me. My own planned reboot got sidetracked somewhere, but reading what you had to say here makes me feel motivated to get things back on track and give my own life a reboot going ahead into September. 🙂
I love coming here whenever you post because I always read something to laugh about or think more deeply about or something to go out and discover/do for myself. You are a fantastic writer and I hope your fiction is available to read somewhere someday. Thank you for taking the time to blog your thoughts, your struggles, and your successes.
I’m sure you just adore advice from strangers but here’s one thought on nightmares: have you double-checked the side effects of any meds you are taking to see if perhaps that could be causing that issue? It sounds weird but there are meds (in particular psych meds) that can have that effect. For example, I take Lamictal daily for management of chronic migraines but I can’t go over a certain dosage or I deal with horrible night terrors…screaming, thrashing, the whole nine yards. A bit of journal keeping (to track circumstances surrounding days I had nightmares,) process of elimination work, & discussion with my neurologist finally confirmed the meds were to blame. I think the pharma companies call it “vivid dreaming” on their side effects lists rendered in microscopic print on the inserts that come with the meds. Anyway…might be worth taking a quickie look into your meds with your docs to see if a simple adjustment might make a difference….if this is unwelcome or unnecessary advice, carry on.
Bottom line…cheering you on and hoping each day is a bit easier and happier than the one before.
Absolutely correct that Lamictal can cause ‘vivid dreams’ which is not how I would describe it. & that medical trade offs (benefits vs side effects) are to be looked at carefully & checked up on at intervals. This is just information not advice on my part. Managing the medical tradeoffs when one has medical chronic conditions is sometimes tricky & tiresome. I like that you & Wil share information that will help others to deal with things better.
Wil, I truly appreciate everything you write here. My stomach clenched for you in your posts about the auditions, and it sucks that it didn’t work out. Your reboot posts have inspired me so much. I had major surgery early in the year, involving a hysterectomy…The recovery from that has been tougher emotionally than physically. I have young two children, one whom I gave birth to an one whom I didn’t. Logically I know I don’t need any more children, and there are obviously more ways to have children than grow them in your body. But it’s still been rough, and my hormones have been kinda ” F-you bitch” for a while now. I started working out six days a week several months ago, training in martial arts. I started running again a month ago and I’m planning on racing in my first 5K in October. (When I say racing, I mean running slowly and hopefully making it to the finish line without walking.) I’m eating right, I got a fitbit, I’m really trying to feel better. I’m making time for myself, blah blah blah. I’m doing everything that I should be to feel better, but I still can’t sleep. I average four hours and 15 minutes of sleep a night (thank you fitbit sleep tracking, for confirming to me that I really do sleep like shit) after waking every hour and tossing and turning for three hours a night. I cannot turn off the anxiety in my brain. I’m seeing my doctor next week, and I’m asking for an antidepressant. I also have horrible nightmares that jolt me wide awake with a racing heart and it takes hours to fall back to sleep. On good nights, I just wake up over and over again but fall back to sleep within 15 minutes. How do people sleep? I don’t know. But a severe lack of sleep definitely changes my whole outlook on life, in a very negative way. Ugh. It seems counterintuitive for a human body to refuse to sleep. What hell is up with that?
I existed with very little sleep. It changes one’s moods & outlook & one’s apparent personality but probably not the deeper personality. Sleep is a complex process & yeah that not sleeping does happen to some folks. Ha ha when I started to sleep normally it was an adjustment; that I had not expected. Here’s hoping you soon start sleeping better & that the adjustment to sleeping more normally is not a huge nuisance. Best wishes on all your efforts & hope you have a good day!
Poorly. Though I have managed to stay mostly away from smoking.
Count that as a WIN, Ian. Even if the rest of your reboot is for shit, you have managed to stay mostly away from smoking. WIN. Keep it up! 🙂
Not bad, all things considered. This next three weeks comprises the last half of my most freakishly busy period of the year. I’m in full vampire mode, the hours are etching my face and inexorably turning me into Lewis Black. Other than that… fine! (thanks for asking) We just rented a house on a cool little island for a week after this is all over. We’ll go out there and sleep and game and hike and spend time wondering what it’s all about. Then, in October it begins again. Mais je me repete…
You’re looking FIT – there’s less of you. That’s a weird concept, or maybe it’s just the sleep deprivation that makes it seem so. In a world of constants, it’s a wonder that humans have the ability to change both their physical structure and mental outlook; traits we developed over milenia. Soon we will be able to augment our physical structure and mental faculties or, as you say, even transition, store, backup, re-boot ourselves due to technology we invented over decades. What a cool time to be alive!
A mid-life reassessment isn’t the same thing as a mid-life crisis.
Still waiting for my veal.
You to cut down on red meat, Spud.
How about a nice carrot or rutabaga?
Both of those sound great.
Can I get them wrapped in veal?
I think I’m about a decade older than you and in thinking about it, I guess that I’m finally going through my own midlife crisis. I’m actually hoping mine has more to do with sports cars, inappropriate clothing and sex with twenty-somethings, but we all deal with aging in our own way. 😋
Great job Wil! I’m so glad that you decided to do this and that you’re succeeding.
I started my reboot about 5 years ago (due to a pesky thing we call high blood pressure) and it has definitely been a positive experience. I’ve dropped 50 pounds since then and am in the best shape of my life. One of the biggest benefits is all the extra energy that I have.
Keep up the good work!
Getting ready to start my own reboot… Right now I’m dealing with near crippling levels of burnout, an unhealthy work environment, and chronic sleep problems. Oh, and all the things that come with them. :/
I’m working on getting some things in my current job cleaned up so it’s not as big a cluster for the next guy, and so the pool of applicants for my replacement can be a little broader. Basically I want to be the opposite of those horror stories you hear about what “the last guy left behind”. No matter what, once that’s done I’m quitting. This job has become harmful to my health.
I’m trying to get a few projects lined up:
I’m almost done rebuilding two of my websites – one for my personal blog (which I’m restarting after the last false-start…), one for some side jobs I’ve done that I’m going to work into some part-time income.
I’m in the planning stages for a podcast, one I hope to be able to eventually turn into a small income stream.
I’m restarting work on a campaign setting I was building with my sister and her husband.
I’m starting work on two novels rooted in the above campaign setting. I’d love for both the game and the books to become something awesome and synergistic – I’ll gladly settle for one or the other taking root. I like the world we’re building and I just want to play in it. 🙂
My hopes are that one or more of these will become enough of an income to cover the bills. My end goal is to get enough different things going that I can safely not count on any one source of income, because that is what’s made leaving this job the hardest. I want to be in a place that if something isn’t working I have the flexibility to drop it and start something else.
The burnout is making this very hard, and depression has started coming along for the ride. Your writing, Ken White over at Popehat.com, Jenny Lawson’s books have all helped. My faith has been my anchor. I’ve been in bad places before. I will get past this and on to the next phase of life.
The only reason I’m commenting here is because you said your current job is negatively affecting your health. Please do not devote too much emotional energy into cleaning up the situation for “the next guy”. If you end up being “That Guy” (that left us with this big bag of shit to sort out), who cares? Your health (physical, emotional, mental) means more than what your last employer thinks of you. Sure, we all want to leave in good graces. Just be aware of when it gets to be too much, and if you have to walk away with things unfinished, then do what’s best for you. Congrats on your progress toward all those wins!
Have you had your sleep evaluated? I know it seems like your Depression is keeping you awake, but I have Depression too, and I have found that since I got my sleep apnea treated, I spend less time thinking Deep Thoughts in the night and more time sleeping. My theory is that I’m waking up less, which gives me less opportunity for Depression to wind up my brain. And more sleep leads to more energy and fewer junk-food cravings and all that helps with the Depression in one great big cycle of virtue.
Of course, I’ve only been treating the apnea for two or three months, and Depression, as you know, is a mysterious beast, so this could be coincidence, and I’m a sample of one, and so on, but I thought I’d drop my experience here in case it helps you or anyone else who stumbles across it. I think we give too little credence to the importance of quality sleep in our society, and any little bit helps. Also, my sleep mask adds another layer of ritual to bedtime, and that helps convince my brain that it really should be sleeping and not worrying about that thing I did that time that I wish I hadn’t done.
Congratulations on your hard work and success. It’s not my place, but I’m proud of you anyway.
I, too, have Oreo insomnia: the kind where you fall asleep just honky-donkey for a cycle, then your brain decides we areAwakeNow! And so you lie there on good nights just bored, and on bad nights hurting with your brain telling you what a lousy shitbag you are… until you fall asleep exhausted around 4 or so when you know the alarm is gonna ring in 2 hours. UCLA has a good pre-sleep relaxation meditatoon you can download. Sometimes it helps the midnight white nights…
http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22
Wil – just a reading/writing suggestion: http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/ by Charlie Stross. Besides being fun to read, gives a lot of great info on the writing process of a successful SF author.
First off, Wil, you have a better chance at getting over the mid-crisis thing than most of us. You look much younger than your age due to your fortunate blessing of having a boyish face and you’ve been taking good care of yourself lately so the probability is you’ll have very many years to go on this planet. Not only good news to your lovely family and friends, but also to us fans. 😉
Secondly, I want so much for you to know what an inspiration you have been to me and so many others. Your public talks about your depression and being bullied have helped me in ways you don’t even know. I was bullied so much as a child that I would skip school on some days and avoid confrontation with my bullies at all cost. I would even eat my lunch in a corner by my locker instead of the lunchroom, until a teacher or the principle would walk by and make me go into the lunchroom. I would get a constant queasy feeling in my stomach just at a distant sight of my bullies sitting together laughing at a table in the lunchroom. They’d make sure that they would humiliate me in front of my peers any time they could. They would make sure I knew I wasn’t pretty enough or my clothes weren’t cool enough. They made me feel worthless and that feeling carried on throughout my growing years. I still, to this day, don’t feel like I’m good enough and feel I have to always prove myself worthy. That is where my depression comes in. But when I saw that the celebrity I most admire goes through the same thing, I didn’t feel as alone and as worthless. I mean, this is Wil Wheaton, the funniest celebrity imo and who has been on the coolest nerd-loving show The Big Bang Theory for Pete’s sake, and who I go to watch when I feel the need to laugh and be cheered up (which is quite often). It was enlightening to read and hear your stories on this blog and in video footage of you making public speeches. Wil, I know you get discouraged by the immature haters on the internet that seem to think it’s unheard of for a celebrity to have an opinion…God forbid! But you have so many more fans than think you’re awesome! You should hold your head up high because it takes a very strong person, especially one who is in the limelight, to let your guard down and display your vulnerability to the world about your depression in order to help others who are also suffering from it. And for that, you will always be an inspiration to me. I have made a video tribute to you that is very important to me for you to see when you have a chance. I uploaded it on Youtube and I don’t know if this comment page will allow links but I’ll try. Here it is… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69ukjG84xyI If not, how can I get it to you? Can I tweet the link you you? You get so many tweets, I’m worried you’ll miss mine and I want you to be able to see my video so much. It means so much to me for you to see what I see about you. I put so much of my emotions, love and lots of time into it and it shows just how much of an inspiration you have been to me.This video shows your emotional pain in the beginning, then shows how you deal with it by helping others as well, and then shows the funny and crazy side of you we all know and love. You, and my loved ones, are what helps me to live life and try and stay positive in a world that tries to bring you down. Thank you, Wil for making me laugh always with your funny side and for inspiring me with your compassionate and vulnerable side. The haters can just go away. You have so many fans who adore you and think you’re AWESOME! Keep inspiring! ❤ and PLEASE see my video tribute to you!
Wil, I see that my comment has been posted and I know you’re very busy but I was wondering if you had a chance to see my video yet. If so, I was hoping to read some comments of what you thought of it. I hope it didn’t offend you in any way or bring up painful memories. That was not my intention at all. And I hope I didn’t upset you when I used some of your personal video footage when editing in my video. I just wanted to show how your personal experiences with bullying and depression made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that your beautiful 8 rules to live by and how your loved ones and your strength got you through and how much of an inspiration you are. You are more wonderful, worthy and inspirational than you give yourself credit for. I wish you could see what I and your loved ones and other fans see.
Hi Wil,
Congrats on the amazing writing sucess. It’s great to see an account of progress that includes the setbacks. It’s easier than all roses and flowers version to help me feel like changes are possible,
I’ve got sleep issues related to fibro and my doctor gave me a supplement. Not one of the common ones, one I’d never heard of. Anyway it made a lot difference in a week in both sleep and anxiety. I still get worked up but I don’t stay worked up. I don’t want to be all spammy-did-the-manufacturer-pay-them off in your comments, so I won’t post it, but if you are interested you (or your son the nutritionist) could email me and I’ll send you the info. It’s one of those brain precursor things, so you’d need to check whether it plays nice with your meds.
Either way. Congrats on the good month, and I hope your brain lets you get some sleep.
Apparently I’m doing a reboot and didn’t even realize it. Your reboot inspired me and I share it with others that need to make changes and I guess all of that seeped into my brain because here I am realizing I’m doing a reboot!
I’m making time to read before bed every night and I finished a book and started a new one immediately and I’m half way through that.
I finally bought a new mattress and I am sleeping so much better. Likely due to the also reading right before bed.
I’m eating a mostly Whole30 type “diet” when it’s just me so I can enjoy when my boyfriend cooks or wants to get dessert. And it’s making a difference. My clothes already fit better. Woohoo!
It’s good to be aware and present. Thank you for the reminder.
Wil, you’re a smart guy, and you like to hang out with smart (and smarter) people to help jump-start your smarts. Of all the ways to channel a mid-life crisis, why not level-up your college degree(s)? It would do wonders for your knowledge base, and even your self-esteem. Hang around campus long enough to get a master’s degree and you’ll have some serious shit going on in your head… but even a bachelor’s in a field you genuinely enjoy and care about (heck, TWO of them!) can be a great way to reboot your head. I’ve known several people who earned an M.A. or an M.S. in their fifties or even sixties, as well as people who finished a first or second bachelor’s degree as late as their sixties. Even Woz re-upped at UC Berkeley (under an assumed name). Remember what the dormouse said!
I rebooted this year before I knew about your reboot. So far so good. My wife is Bi-Polar so the reboot is about me learning to cope better with her illness and not get dragged into it, while helping her stay afloat and not sink us all. It is tough but it is all worth it.
Less beer (almost none)
Less crappy food (simple diet, low sugar, NO Pastas)
More exercise
Not much more sleep, but I am trying
More family time, board games, WiiU etc
Giving it a go so to speak.
“it’s the feeling that there are more days behind me than ahead of me. It’s the feeling that I’m running out of time to do the things I want to do, and the fear that comes with that. ” I’m a few years older than you and I am going through that as well. I’m trying to get into a habit of doing more creative stuff everyday, which isn’t always easy when you have a full-time job that you like a lot and pays the bills but doesn’t give you time to do the creative things you want to do.
And Cat’s Cradle! One of my all-time favorite books! “Live by the foma [harmless untruths] that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy” is something I quote a lot and try to live by everyday.
Your reboot has inspired me to start a blog of my own devoted solely to my mental health and how I deal with my mood disorder, anxiety, ADHD, and associated neuroses, putting a geeky spin on things: http://www.mercurial-comics.com/
Way to go on the A+ this month! TWO BIG THUMBS UP
“It’s not my fault that my brain is being an asshole.” is my new favorite mantra. BRB gotta tweet that and give you credit.
I have that too- waking up at 2am and the mind won’t stop churning.
You might consider cutting out caffeine completely.
It only happens to me when I’ve had coffee 3 days in a row. (I only drink decaf early in the morning… but I just happen to be very sensitive to it)
Glad to see that you recognize the mid-life crisis. I didn’t want to mention in my comment on your previous post, because I wasn’t sure how aware of it you were – but I could see it happening. If you read my comment from that perspective, it probably makes more sense.
Good luck with it all, We get the opportunity to reinvent ourselves after this point – I look forward to seeing what Wil Wheaton 2.0 (2.5?) looks like!
ZR Season 2 was a toughie, storywise. Definitely some triggery bits.
I’ve been inspired by your reboot and trying to figure out what mine looks like. Thanks to you, I got help for my mental health as well as for my daughter.
Standing behind you (in a supportive and not at all creepy way).
I got a good laugh out of your three mid life crises list. My wife and I made a dietary lifestyle change the first of January, and along with exercise, I have lost 40 lbs (226 lbs down to 186 lbs). Since then, I have a new sports car (which I LOVE) and I bought a new, better-fitting wardrobe. The car is one I have admired for many years and the opportunity was there, so I took it. The clothes are a younger style, but I’ve had tons of compliments and I look and feel better than ever – no regrets. Good luck on the continuing reboot and thanks for keeping up with your blog. Good stuff.
Prazosin, an old blood pressure medication, works well for nightmares in PTSD – it’s just one dose before bed. If you haven’t been on that, you might discuss it with whomever prescribes your medications.
My friend introduced me to the idea of “Future Me” and “Past Me” and I have found it really helpful in motivating me to do things I don’t enjoy particularly! I make sure to thank Past Me when Present/Future Me has an easier life because of that action!
Btw, you’ve inspired me to start my own reboot this week (I did one last year and had a great 6 months, but then moved job and house and fell out of all good habits, plus a nosedive in mental health that screwed up my sleep and eating)
Great job this month, Wil.
I’m…not doing so hot here. Fighting plantar issues and general malaise has kept me from running in exactly a month. Biking hasn’t happened in two weeks. But I’m walking a TON. Yes, it’s because I’m playing Pokemon GO with some family members, but those relationships feel better than they have in a while, so I guess that’s a win. Just wish I could get back on the other horses, too, as I’d really like to do another triathlon this fall (the same one I did three years ago, which was, so far, my first and only one). The biking and swimming I can do, but man, I struggle to run.
And then there’s work, which blows more than I can say right now. We are short staffed and someone has to take up the slack (myself and my boss), but it’s not sustainable at current conditions. Something’s got to give.
Sigh.
But I keep on keeping on. One day at a time. I don’t have to work for another two hours tonight. I’m going to go to the store and for a walk or a bike ride. That’s something. Have to run (but not literally).
Way to have a good month, Wil. salutes
Oh, and writing? What’s writing? That’s actually got me in the biggest funk. I’ve done one review piece on the new Voltron in the past…forever. But this too shall pass. This too shall pass.
I forget whether I was rebooting at all, since my primary focus every day is either FIND WORK AND DO IT or FIND A NEW APARTMENT AND GET THE FUCK INTO IT. Lately, I’m booked on an 18-day Scripty gig, which is spread out over the course of 5 weeks, so, GREAT for the coffers and SHIT for things like sleep, diet, 10k steps, etc.
Hubby and I are going to try to find permanent new “digs” tomorrow while we’re both off work. Possibly towards Pasadena (but not really further East than Glendale/Eagle Rock) in case his job promotes/transfers him to the Centinela in Pasadena? But we really don’t know that area at all, so we’ll probably end up in NoHo to be safe and just compute his commute. In the meantime of coordinating our schedules, we’ve been catching at least one ep of “Leverage” per night, and we just saw you as Chaos! FUN, FUN! (I’m ashamed to admit that he recognized your VO before I did, since I’ve actually MET you in person a coupla times at the FCU). 🙁
So, as others have indicated: even though we’ve had no part in your reboot, I’m proud of your progress. Side note: Anne is a Numbers Nerd, and so am I. How do you get to 30 on your scoring of seven bullet-points of reboot? Is Anne helping you? Is the curve you grade on actually weighted heavier for a coupla your points and lighter for others? It’s been the only thing that’s “bugged” me all along, Seven times 4.285714285714… equals 30. So that’s an A+? 4.285714? Why not just “31/28” for the month? Ennyhoo… I’ll stop mathing now, sorry.
Thank you for continuing your reboot and for keeping us informed. Great work in August!
btw, I love that you pretty much have one pose. Reminds me of Zoolander, which is an underappreciated flick, IMO. Your pose is much less Blue Steel, of course. 🙂
You may very well have inspired me to make a few, albeit less dramatic, changes of my own…. And for that I must say a hearty (and non alcoholic if needs be) Cheers!
Keep up the excellent-ness, Wil-dude!
Wil, I’ve never commented here before, but I’ve been a reader for a long, breathless time. I love your blog; it seems to speak from an excellent part of me, and it’s been so helpful — but your courage when it comes to talking about your Depression can be hard for me to read. (I use the capital D to delineate between episodic depression and the chronic kind, which I’ve had since I was a young child.) I try to follow your example, and now occasionally I write about my asshole brain on my (tiny, compared to yours) blog too; and in doing so I’ve gotten a lot less ashamed about it than I’ve ever been, and learned a ton; thank you! …But I won’t lie — your hyper-real and dead-on posts sometimes are actually, no-kidding triggering for me. All of which is to say that, while I’m often not caught up on all your latest writing, it would be inaccurate as hell to not call me a huge fan of your work, ficitonalish and otherwise.
Anyway, this one really hit me in the eyes. I’m 38, and dammit, I need a reboot too. I don’t know if it’s a “midlife crisis” (I seem to have crises and big life-shifts every couple years period), but it is born from the realization that I am probably at least half done with the years I have. Frankly, when I was younger, I never expected to survive for very long, what with my actual brain on a constant mission to off me; and since I’ve been about 30, when I started feeling like I finally beat back the suicidal ideation enough that I could keep it under control for an indefinite length of time, I’ve basically laughed at the wind and lived like I’m on borrowed time — which I kind of am; since I really see everything from here on out as a bonus. But…it could be a lot of years of bonus-time; and they could be easier or harder, lovelier or nastier, based in large part on decisions I start making today. Decisions like managing my depression more carefully, and less by throwing substances at it whenever it flares up (which then becomes constantly, of course). Paying more attention to food, not just when I grab for it but when I buy and make it (errr and sometimes, doing those things at all)…and giving more space to exercise — I’m a martial artist! And exercise is amazing for my brain — probably the single best thing. And yet, giving my time to it, rather than to hiding in bed or burying my self on the Internet, is astonishingly difficult.
But I see you doing it, and you’re not some average dork — you’re like me. You have to fight your brain, uphill through a river of peanut butter, for every one of those A’s you’ve earned, and you’re earning them, and you sound great and energetic and absolutely like you’re going to continue to succeed. I’m so happy for you! And I’m sooooo gonna take your lead on this one. Enough of the things that don’t really help; enough precious-life-left wasted on purposeless struggles.
…Actually, here’s one way this could be seen as a specifically “mid-life” crisis for me: I could not have even striven, when I was younger, for more focus and clarity, for more access and control to my mind. I didn’t WANT to control it; I wanted to ESCAPE it, to shut it up, to drown it out. My whole life since then has been a constant game of “what’s the least damaging drugs I can throw at this brain to keep it from burying me,” but you know what…that’s no longer true. I’ve come a LONG, long way since then, through therapy and teeth-gritting, forehead-vein-popping work. I have self-esteem, hobbies I love, and friends I value who also value me — all things I couldn’t really muster when I was 18, or 23, or 25. I finally feel OLD ENOUGH, now, to put down the drugs, to let my brain off its leash, and to meet it face on.
Thank you (and your commenters — some of the few I like reading! and their comments on this one were almost tears-inducingly good) for not only doing the work, but putting it down so that we can learn along with you. I can honestly say, even though I’m just starting my reboot, that it’s been monumentally helpful. <3
Marie
Keep on being brave Marie
You’re doing a great job man. I love the fact that you’re moving every day – running when you can, and walking otherwise. I started a diet 5 years and 1 week ago (ish) where I made myself go 2 miles every day. Run if I could, walk if I couldn’t. These days, I’m on a run streak (currently 140 days in a row). In those 5 years since I started that diet, I’ve run 11 marathons, a 50k, a 75k, and I don’t know how many 5ks and half marathons. My 40th birthday is next week. Present me is happy that Past me did all that shit.
One thing I struggle with is my diet. I don’t eat well at all. If it weren’t for the running I do, I’d be enormous. And while my legs are strong, I know my back could use some work. If I graded myself, I’d have to pretty consistently give myself a D every month in diet.
Anyway, keep it up!
I rebooted in February,and I’ve lost 30 lbs and4 %age points of body fat, by counting calories and protein and working out with a trainer 3x/week. My BP dropped from 130/80 – and that’s on beta blockers – to 106/63 at last check. I’ve signed up to run a 5K on Oct 1st, and just two days ago I caught myself saying that I’d run a mile on the treadmill as a warmup for my strength training that day, and had to rewind and listen to myself say it again, because running a mile is something that a year ago was as impossible as leaping that mile in a single bound, Hulk-style. And today walking around Dragon*Con I got in almost 15,000 steps.
I never have drunk alcohol, but I had a 7L/day Diet Coke habit, which is not good. I’ve been making myself refill the large McDonald’s cup I get every morning with water and drink all of it in between adjacent sodas, in addition to cutting it out completely at 3PM so the caffeine doesn’t hurt the sleep.
The exercise has improved my anxiety enough that I’ve stopped taking SSRIs. Sleeping is still a problem, though.
Anyway, feels really good. Thanks for the inspiration!
Applause
(Although I know you did not do it for my applause, ha)
On the serious side, we can inside each other to do better. Mark, you have inspired me today. I need to use your cup trick.
I mean inspire not inside. Auto correct & I are not on friendly terms.
Everybody have a good day.
Like you, I tend to suffer the “2 AM’s” (however it seems to be the “3 AM’s” for me). A while back, I remember reading an article (I apologize for the lack of source, but I know it not) that we tend to wake up at a certain time in part to we tell our brains to do so, subconsciously. The article suggested that you, at the time you go to sleep, you tell yourself the time to wake up is 6 AM. Eventually, your brain is supposed to get the hint.
At times, it has worked for me. It is not foolproof, but it might help with your “2 AM’s.”
Glad to hear your writing is going so well, getting the work done in this regard is a great feeling of accomplishment. Are you writing one specific genre in the short story collection, or is it a varied mix?