I’ve been busy in 1983 for the last couple of weeks, working on this thing that I thought would be about 3000 words, but is now ten times that, and isn’t as close to being finished as I thought.
Yesterday, I worked really hard to get out not a lot of words (under 400), but that’s okay, because I was working on a scene that’s super important to the rest of the story, and if I got it wrong, it would be like one of those mathematical errors that’s may be only slightly off, but compounds over time until your spaceship ends up crashing into the sun instead of landing gently on Titan.
I was still unsure about yesterday’s work when I started today, and I’m unsure of it right now, but I decided that I have to trust my instincts, not overthink it, and just keep going. I even said to myself, “the only way to keep going is to keep going and the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.”
Once I accepted that it may not be totally right, but was not totally wrong, I was able to get back into the narrative. We’re still at Universal Studios. Here’s a little bit from when the tram drove through the backlot exteriors.
It was totally magical to me. They were all just facades, and none of the sets were dressed with anything more than signs painted on the windows, but I thought it would have been the coolest thing in the world to be on any one of those streets when they were being filmed. To look around and pretend that I was in New York, or Chicago, or the Old West, or wherever Dracula was from – Bulgaria, I thought? – and only have to use my imagination a little bit, because set dressing and lights and costumes would do most of the work … that was incredible to me. At this point in my life, I’d only done a couple of small parts in some little things that have been lost to time (they don’t even exist on YouTube, and I know because I’ve looked), and a handful of commercials. I didn’t want to be an actor as much as my mother wanted me to be an actor, and most of the time if you’d asked me I would have told you that it wasn’t something I wanted to do when I grew up. But riding past all those fake buildings and seeing all that movie magic –
“What’s wrong?” Evelyn said.
“Huh?” I said.
“You … you look … sad.”
This still happens to me. I think about things, I get lost in my imagination and in my own thoughts, I retreat from the world and the people who I’m close to, I’m told that when I go to that place in my head, I always look sad, even when I’m not.
“I’m okay,” I said, “I was just thinking.”
This is a work of narrative fiction, mostly stuff that didn’t happen with stuff that did happen mixed in. Some of it, like my memories and thoughts about working on a backlot, are real, and other parts of it are … less real. It’s fun to imagine and remember, remember and imagine, and listen to the characters when they have something to say or do that I wasn’t expecting.
In real life, I was always disappointed that there wasn’t more of a backlot at Paramount when I was working there in the 80s. There is now, and it’s pretty cool, but back then it was just a single facade for the TV show The Bronx Zoo. When I go to work at Warners for Big Bang Theory, I always drive through the backlot, and I’ll even go for walks through streets I know from The Twilight Zone, The Dukes of Hazzard, even Casablanca, when I have long enough breaks during production. I don’t think I’ll ever become immune to the magic of a studio backlot, or a set that’s totally immersive, a little bit of imagination made real on a soundstage.
The version of myself who is in this novella probably doesn’t grow up to be an actor like I did. I’m pretty sure he grows up to be a writer, because … well, that’s all in the story and I should probably just leave it at that.
As I get closer to finishing this thing, I don’t plan to keep doing updates like the ones I’ve done the last week or so, because I want to keep the story behind the curtain more than I have. These parts have been fun to share, though, because I enjoy knowing that they spark some of your memories about the early 80s.
was that a deliberate depeche mode reference? can’t get the song out of my head now, either way, but not a bad thing. as always, thank you for doing what you do. it makes a positive difference. i hope you always remember that.
It was. Glad you noticed!
Since 1999 I have discussed writing a book. I have let myself get side tracked by jobs, family, my daughter. But that book has changed stories, ideas etc I have read it as other people wrote an idea that I had been working out and someone else beat me to it and did it better.
I thought back to my Senior year mired in loneliness considered an outsider and yet when the English teacher read my short story outloud praising my talent and kids I had known for years expressed joy in my words. I realized I had been trying to write not what I knew but what I had read. For y ears whenever I could find the time I would worry “what genre is this” “how do I sell this” “what’s the story”
But I never asked what do I know. Then this guy I follow started posting each day he wrote how many words he wrote, this show I watch did an episode where a person became a ghost. Suddenly everything clicked.
There are things I know that other people don’t know. There are experiences I have had that become footnotes in other people’s stories. There are things that people need to know.
I have a story. I am not going to tell it to you.. I am writing it. 2000 words a day every day. When it’s done I will polish it and submit it to anyone that will listen.
Not because when I was 8 years old I was insanely jealous that a guy Wil Wheaton was getting paid to be an actor a job I begged my parents to help me get. They refused to take me to auditions or anything.
Not because for a few years fame became an obsession.
But because as i was thinking of this story I thought about the fact. I am not unique. I am not a special little snowflake.
There are other kids, teens and adults out there that have been hurt deeply in away many can’t fathom. People on the verge of giving up all hope. I don’t want them to thank me, I don’t want them to applaud me.
For the first time in my life I want to tell a story so that they can be saved so that someone can reach back give them a hand away from the cliff edge and then maybe when they are ready they can write a story for the next one.
And all of this the revelation the self realization the kick in my ass that made me get out of my own way came from this guy Wil Wheaton posting how many words he’d written in a day.
So I just wanted to say think you. Sincerely thank you.
Do it!
I guess I’m too old. I didn’t catch the depeche mode reference. Still enjoyed this though.
Thank you, Wil, for your honesty. Following your life reboot has been so encouraging. You are making a huge difference in the lives of us nerds with anxiety/depression. Keep up the good work! It’s been great watching you set healthy goals and just be so real about it all. It’s amazing how much Self Care makes a difference on a daily basis 🙂
I’m very much looking forward to reading this when it is finished. You are one of my most favorite people!
Now I’m starting to wonder whether it’s going to stay as fiction, or shake itself and wriggle a time or two and turn into a memoir. Either way I’d read it.
I don’t know if this fits what’s in your head at all, but “In 1983” sounds like a title to me.
Thanks for sharing that. Glad I’m not the only one who loves backlots. Just seeing them peeking over fences as I drive by gives me a bit of a thrill. I used to attend Christmas parties on the lot at CBS Studio City. Sitting on the stoop of a Seinfeld set or walking down the My Three Sons sidewalk was a fantasy come true.
Wil, you can say that you have something in common with Socrates.
He questioned everything 🙂 !
What’s great is that you’re an empiricist, and one who gathers knowledge from experience by
combining the best of performance, art, science and philosophy into your work.
Hope you’re doing fine.
“The only way to keep going is to keep going” I liked that.
Well, I’m liking all of this actually!
Wil, you have inspired me to start writing again, and I’m even thinking of creating a blog of my own. Back in the 80’s I was just starting college to become an Engineer (eventually got a BS in Computer Science), but it was the classes that gave me a chance to do creative writing that I excelled at and liked the most. In English Lit., my papers would always get selected by the Prof. to be read in front of the class. Years of working in a corporate Engineering environment have pretty much beaten that kind of creativity and imagination out of me, but I am trying.
By the way, I was just clicking thru the channels the other day and came across ‘Stand by Me’. I watched it again for I guess what must be the 4th time. It’s funny, when I was the age you were in that movie, I could have been your body double. I mean, like into your twenties we were like twins. It’s almost spooky. However, at 56 now, I’m still a bean pole. And, I had a recent tragic event happen in my life that has made me come face to face with the fact that I have suffered from Anxiety and to a lesser extent Depression for most of my life. Reading your blog has motivated me to finally start to do something about it. I even retired early 3 years ago because the Anxiety, which I was living in denial of, has kept me from sleeping at night. You cannot design software, code all day, and meet any of your potential as a great Engineer if you’re walking around like a sleep deprived zombie. I’m having to rebuild my life, not unlike your reboot. I just do not know where I want to go yet.
I truly hope you get this published because I really want to read it. Thank you for sharing.
Hey Wil,
So currently, I’m catching up on Supergirl on Netflix, and it keeps happening. Everytime I see the character of Maxwell Lord, I’m thinking that role was made for you. Did you audition for the role, hear about it before production, or is that a “cannot divulge” silence-type of agreement?
Wil, can’t wait to see where you are taking this and I hope it will be public in whatever form you see fit at one point.
Wil, I’m really enjoying following your journey, and can’t wait to read the book. I watched Shatner’s “Chaos on the Bridge” last night. It was illuminating. Was the actors “accommodation” as bad in season 1 as Patrick said they were?
This is obviously in relation to the backlot at Paramount!
Very much looking forward to reading this. 🙂 Take your time and enjoy the ride in writing it.
Your memories of Universal got me thinking about my own trip to the park and prompted me to write this. Thought I’d share it with you:
I am, without question, a bigger fan of Disney theme parks than Universal. That said, I’ve been reading installments of a work of semi-autobiographical fiction by Wil Wheaton. In the piece, Wheaton drifts into an extended reverie about his first trip to Universal Studios. It got me thinking of my first trip to the park.
I was under five, so my memories of the trip are sketchy at best. My mom and I were travelling with her friend Shelly and her son Brett. Along the way, Shelly kept asking me to pinch her so she wouldn’t fall asleep as she drove.
We spent part of the trip at Disneyland, and then went to Universal. My only distinct memory from that trip is that the Jaws shark scared me beyond belief. Looking back, it seems ridiculous. It resembled a real shark about as much as a stick figure doodle resembles a human.
There is another story from the trip that I don’t remember, but that I have been told. Apparently, part way through the back lot tour I had to go to the bathroom and it became an emergency. In the interest of not wetting myself I was placed at the rear of the trolley and told to pee off the back. Please remember that I was about four years old.
I am also told that we saw a stage show featuring Conan (the Barbarian, not O’Brien). I remember nothing about this show, but have been told that I was devastated when it appeared the mighty warrior was killed, and jumped up and down when he triumphed, claiming his victory by proxy.
I don’t remember when my next trip to the park took place, but I do remember a couple things about the trip rather distinctly. During the studio tour, they recreated the Psycho Shower scene using a volunteer from the audience. I was not chosen for that, but I was chosen to be part of a recreation of the opening credits of Bonanza. I sat on a saddle that was mounted in place and they edited me into the scene.
I also remember the Backdraft ride. I don’t remember all of the specifics, but I remember the unbelievable heat coming from the flames.
For the record, approximately 30 years have passed since that first trip to Universal and it remains my only time using public transit in lieu of a restroom.
There’s some kind of powerful juju going on with 1983. The other night, I came home to find my husband watching the pilot for “Land of the Giants.” The first screens said it was set in the future — 1983. Later we watched Stranger Things, which friends told us we’d like, with no more info than that. And it was set in the past . .. .. . . 1983. And now you’re in 1983 imagining and reimagining. Something kind of exciting swirling around that year! Ride it!!!! Can’t wait to read this novella.
Thanks for sharing, Uncle Wil. 🙂 I was born in 78, so I remember the eighties mostly as a long string of ‘Don’t go outside alone–a Satanic baby raping child sacrificing cult will get you!” stories on the news every time my mom turned on, bits and pieces from the Iran Contra hearing with Oliver North, scenes from a handful of iconic kiddie shows like He-Man, Jem and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ALL of the Disney Afternoon show theme songs. I also vaguely remember Jersey Mall bangs (remember those?) and hitting a boy in my 4th grade class over the head with my purse and giving him a huge goose egg…mostly because I’d forgotten I’d stashed a travel-size can of Aquanet in there.
“the only way to keep going is to keep going”
True true.
My wife and I call it: “Stumbling forward”. When you’re self-employed and no one is there telling you what you need to accomplish, the goal is not only unclear much of the time, but the next step to get anywhere remotely goal-worthy is also unclear. When that happens, we “Stumble Forward” and either discover a new direction or hit a wall, or discover something that causes us to pivot and go in a different direction. It sounds a lot like what you’re doing.
Wanna know something cool? For a person who says he isn’t the strongest at math, you’re instinctively solving your writing problem using linear equations & linear programming, which are essentially a methodology by which you “keep going” until you reach a min/max/inflection which causes you to stop, reverse, or turn and then proceed in that fashion until you have described the shape and size of the solution set that illuminates the boundaries of the goal.
Sheldon Cooper would approve!
🙂
Still like the writing! Your 1980 memories were much different from mine! Firstly I was in Washington State. Secondly, to this day I haven’t been to any Disney theme park. Universal Studies, yes. My 1980 memories were …. well, let us just say I was in a totally different place from you and this story. Keep writing, Wil.
Sometimes when I go back to my hometown, I like to tour the backlots where I shot endless episodes of S.W.A.T. Wars, Evil Kneivel vs. Bigfoot, the Six Million Dollar Godzilla, and Oh, Snap, You Did Not Just Huck a Handful of Chestnuts at My Head.
That was the 1970s though. We were more about the art then, and less about residuals. Or safety. No animals were harmed in the making of those productions, just lots and lots of children. We did our own stunts.
But also on a serious note, as a kid I toured Universal Studios, but as an adult I toured the Bavaria Film Studios. (Also, Kusturica’s Kustendorf).
The thrill was exactly the same.
Knowing that Kubrick, Bergman, Sturges, Houston, Chabrol had all strode that sacred ground thrilled me deeply just as Bruce the Shark and Carl(?) the Cylon once had.
That fawking life-sized Falkor freaked me the eff out though, even as an adult. Do not want.
I also liked going into the sub from Das Boot (greatest sub movie ever, so says I).
Drowning Nazis! Top that, Universal Studios.
Shit.
I spelted John Huston’s name wrong.
Dude, you didn’t like the gargantuan reptile with the fur and ears of a golden retriever and human-looking eyeballs the size of Grapefruits?
Yeah…. don’t know what they were thinking with that one.
All I can think when reading the bits you’ve posted so far is:
This story, as an audio book read by Wil, is something I would like to have.
Hmmm. Everything you do now is an attempt to fill the same hole you’ve been trying to fill for years. Same Panda Express; different entree. So who are you? Aside from just being another schlep on the planet whose bones will be dust in less than 40-50 very fast years. Not a criticism…an observation. I think you’ll be chasing the rabbit for a long time. And what stops you from being okay with this “you” that your past has created? And here’s the Big Question: do you think you’ll ever find happiness? Here’s the Big Question Plus One: Do you know what happiness would look like? Betcha I know the answer. You seem like a real wandering/lost kind of guy. Or, just capitalizing on a mojo to make a few bucks (which would be very tacky but true Hollywood).
(Hope that doesn’t come across as too snide. Just trying to jostle some deeper things)
Thanks for the post!
The thing I miss about being a Warner Bros Studio Tour Guide (yes, I know, all caps does seem pretentious, sorry) is showing folks the backlots and explaining bits of movie magic to them. I also love when I book a Warner Bros show, because that means I’ll get to self-tour during my walkaway lunch!
Thanks for the reminder, Wil.