It was another 20ish minutes of furious action, here in Konami Arena, as the Los Angeleses Hockey Guys from Los Angeles took on The Team from Chicago in the second round of the College League Tournament.

Fresh off a commanding victory in the first round, Los Angeles controlled much of the first period, getting several scoring opportunities from All The Guys, including two breakaways that even a monkey could have scored so what the hell, man. But it was The Chicagos who scored first, halfway into the first period when That Player Guy intercepted a pass in the neutral zone and scored from the blue line.

The Los Angeleses tied the score seconds later, when The Faceoff Guy won the draw, skated back around The Defence Guy, and then fired a wrist shot from the faceoff circle that beat the Chicago goalie on the far side.

The ensuing celebration dance was exceptionally funky, even by tournament standards.

The Chicago scored near the end of the period, after That Chicago Guy knocked down The Los Angeles Guy, and fired a rocket that the goalie totally saved, but whatever I guess it went in. Then, with just seconds left in the first, Los Angeles scored again off the faceoff, as time expired in the period.

The second period got off to an exciting start, with an early penalty shot for The Los Angeleses. Possibly remembering his failure to score in the game against the New Yorks, Los Angeles Left Winger The Same Guy, scored over the Chicago goalie’s glove side, to give his team the lead.

Less than one minute later, Chicago tied the game again, when the Los Angeles Guy couldn’t get the goddamn puck behind his own net for some reason, even though the goalie should have been able to pick it up and pass it to him, leading to the Chicago guy passing to the other guy who passed to the other guy who passed to one more guy for a quick shot that the goalie never saw because his entire team was trying to figure out where the hell the puck was. Los Angeles fought back — literally — but didn’t score on any of their power plays, allowing Chicago to take the lead back with a goal that the Los Angeles goalie was pretty sure he had, because the arrow was next to the post and he had position so he should have made the save, but collision detection wasn’t as precise in the 80s as it is now I guess.

Los Angeles was able to tie with a pair of unanswered goals, including a buzzer-beating slapshot from the red line that was pretty awesome.  

Both teams continued their fast and aggressive play to start the third period. That Guy from Los Angeles had several great opportunities to score, but couldn’t get the goddamn aiming arrow to move for some reason. This Dumb Guy from Chicago picked up one of That Guy’s rebounds, and skated around the entire Los Angeles team, sneaking the puck past the goalie, who was out of position.

Los Angeles answered quickly, again scoring off the faceoff from just inside the blue line with a gorgeous backhander that snuck between the Chicago goalie and the near post. 

The score remained tied until 6:11 remained in the period. Chicago’s Exhibition Season MVP, That Guy There, knocked My Guy from Los Angeles off the puck at center ice, and skated in deep. He shot from the slot, and the Los Angeles goalie made a huge save, but couldn’t control the rebound. That Guy There picked it up, skated all the way back out of the zone, and fired a long shot from just outside the blue line. The Los Angeles goalie apparently never had a chance to stop the shot, which went right past him in the center of the net, where he thought he was positioned to make the save. Chicago took the lead with time running out, and Los Angeles called a time out.

Energy in the arena was at a fever pitch. Something that sounded like a whistle joined some static that could be the cheering of the crowd, as the arena organist played a royalty-free, public domain chiptune. The Los Angeleses got ready for the face off, moving a couple of their guys around just before the referee announced “FACE OFF!” The Center Guy for Los Angeles won the puck, and skated back toward his own zone, before passing it at his own blue line to his goalie for some reason, even though he had a guy wide open at center ice. The Chicago Guy rushed toward the next, and fell down in the goal crease, allowing the goalie to pass it up ice. Two quick passes from One Guy to Another Guy Who Looks Just LIke Him got the puck into the Chicago zone, where This Guy fired a shot from the near boards that sailed past the goalie, to tie the score with just two minutes left.

With the score tied at 8, the game went to a shootout.

Los Angeles sent This Guy in the Purple Pants to the line, and he scored on the glove side. Then Chicago scored down low to tie, past a goalie who knew that’s where the shot was headed, but slid to the side anyway for some reason.

With the game on the line, Chicago’s own This Fucking Guy shot the puck to the stick side. The Los Angeles goalie saw it all the way, and moved to the side to stop it, but then the puck literally went right through him for some reason, and the Chicago Chicagos defeated The Los Angeles Los Angeleses by a final score of 3-2 in the bullshit shootout.

In his post-game press conference, the Los Angeles coach expressed frustration with his team. “We tell them to ‘make the pass, make the pass,’ but some of them are still doing ‘with the pass, with the pass’. That can get the team out of sync, and in a competitive league like this one, every mistake is going to hurt you.” Asked if he’ll be back for another tournament, the coach said, “Oh yeah. After a loss like this, you want to just throw up your hands and go play Zelda or maybe RC Pro-Am or something, but you always end up coming back for another game. I mean, let’s be honest, an entire tournament here takes less time than one game in Baseball, and we have much better graphics.”

The Chicago players from Chicago were jubilant after the game, posing for pictures and shaking their sticks in the air. They will go on to face the winner of the Edmonton / Vancouver game for the championship that nobody cares about, because the Los Angeleses are out of the tournament.