i got better

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and empathy about my damn panic attacks. It really means a lot to me, and it makes me feel like less of a weird alien who is doing his best human impression.

Since I shared my shitty night terror experiences, things have gotten significantly better. A lot of you recommended looking into CBD, and because California is a state that ended cannabis prohibition (get with the program, rest of America), I was able to talk with my doctor about using it for my anxiety and insomnia. He recommended that I give it a try, and it’s made all the difference for me. I put a dropperful of this tincture under my tongue every morning, and … it just works. I don’t feel intoxicated or weird or anything. I just feel calm and not anxious. In just four days, I went from having nightmares every night, waking up every couple of hours with a panic attack, and living every waking moment surrounded by a swarm of anxiety bees, to sleeping soundly and all the way through the night, and feeling like a regular person who isn’t terrified and worried and afraid all the time. It really is a miracle, and it’s going to be a significant challenge for me to not become one of those obnoxious evangelists about it. Blaze it bro you can make rope out of it man!

Because I was able to get the constant fear and anxiety under control, I was able to look back on things as objectively as possible, and see what the triggers for the latest round of Mental Health Funtimes were. I’m not ready to share those publicly, but I am fairly certain that the CBD got my shit under control enough to allow me the insights I needed, and I was able to confront what was causing the fear and anxiety that was controlling me. I’m not sure that I’m like 100% back to normal (for my personal values of normal) but I feel like a person again. In fact, I told Anne that I felt so good day before yesterday, I wasn’t sure if it was genuinely feeling great, or if it was just the absence of that terrible anxiety and worry that had been engulfing me. I guess the end result is what really matters, and the end result has been really good.

Part of that end result? Oh, let me show you the most recent entry in my daily writing word count blog thing:

840 words (70782 total) on the rewrite of All We Ever Wanted Was Everything.

And that is a completed first rewrite. I thought for sure I would have to do massive rewriting in the last 10K words, because I wrote them all in a single day, but they really (surprisingly) hold up!

I’m going to send my manuscript to a few close, trusted friends for feedback, so I can get fresh eyes and perspectives on the story. Once I have that information, I’ll be able to do a second rewrite, and then I think it’ll be time to give it to my editor and start making plans to publish it.

You guys. I totally finished the rewrite! It felt so good and so rewarding. And the coolest thing, ever, is that I don’t worry that it’s terrible. I worry that it isn’t long enough. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID HEYOOO.

I’m sharing it with some early readers, and when they get their feedback to me, I’ll do another pass based on what they tell me. Then it goes to my editor for the Red Pen of Doom.

I haven’t decided if I’m going to shop it, yet. I think that it’s a solid story that readers will relate to, so I think it’ll be a reasonably easy pitch, but after the less than awesome experience I had with Just A Geek, I am very concerned that I won’t find the right publisher for it.

139 thoughts on “i got better”

  1. I started using CBD oil (non-prescription, hemp-based) for my chronic fibromyalgia pain, and it seems to also help with my sleep patterns. I’ve only been on it a couple of weeks and I’m stepping up the dosage strength to see what level works best for me. I’m glad you’ve found something that’s helpful to you. My doctor was enthusiastic about me trying it, because I don’t do well on other commonly prescribed meds for fibro.

  2. Any sort of CBD brand you can recommend? White-knuckling this blend of depression-anxiety while trying to parent is becoming overwhelming.

    1. I’m using WELLNESS from Treat Well. But please talk to a doctor to be sure that it’s going to be the right choice for you. There are dozens of different products on the market, and it’s easy to be overwhelmed with options. Also, find a dispensary that is seriously and legitimately MEDICAL, so you get good advice from the employees. It’s frustrating as hell to go for advice at a shop, and end up talking to someone who is a parody of a Cheech and Chong character.

      1. A resounding “YES!” to all of this! I have been using the CBDA tincture from Treat Well for several months to deal with the dsykinesias, muscle pain, insomnia, and anxiety gifted to me by young onset Parkinson’s disease. It has been life-altering (in a good way.) I would add that anyone starting down this path needs to start with very small doses; I found that it takes very little of CBD tincture to make a big difference (as opposed to some of my “traditional” medications.)

      2. One of the frustrating things about marijuana not being legal in all 50 states. I don’t want to buy it illegally and have to guess at how much to use to help with anxiety. If I’m going to use it, I want to get it legally and in reliable, doctor-approved amounts.

        1. You might want to look into Theanine supplements. It has done wonders for my anxiety and several of my friends who use CBD have ended up switching over to Theanine entirely.

          It doesn’t help for everyone, but it is a solid option to consider, especially if CBD is not legal where you live.

      4. Thanks for posting this. I am a ‘budtender’ in Oregon, and I share your frustration with Jabroni stereotypes that give bad advice. CBD is fantastic, and you can increase that dose as needed. Seizure patients can literally take thousands of milligrams, with no ill effects. If you need something more powerful, microdoses of THC, (something in the .7 to 1mg range) will increase the effectiveness of CBD tremendously. The thought is that Cannabinoids have an ‘entourage effect’, and synergisticly improve each other’s performance. I have found that these tiny doses of THC are usually below the noticeable level as far as a ‘high’ is concerned. Higher doses of THC can actually cause anxiety in sensitive individuals, but I’m assuming at your age you know what THC does to you.

        I’ve always been a casual pot smoker, but when I developed arthritis, I found the real medicinal gold of Cannabis. I would probably be on disability without it. Now I still hurt, but I don’t suffer. If you are ever in Oregon and need some good advice, my email is always open.

        Richard.

  3. Wow! Maybe my next step. Am having to stop Lyrica due to cost and new non-coverage issues and can not afford any more meds. My world just seems to be spiraling down. Thanks for the insight!

  4. “Good” sleep does wonders for the body and ain chemistry so you probably DO feel loads better. It take about a month of consistently sleeping well each night to restore brain chemistry. So now that the CBD is helping you to attain that state of rest at night, look to improvements over time.

    1. brain, rather. sigh Apparently it does little for improving typing ability…

  8. My teenage son has debilitating OCD coupled with anxiety. We may or may not (it’s not legal here) have found CBD gummies (from a non-local source) that he may or may not use. He’s gone from missing 2-3 days a week of school to happily attending every day. I’m glad you found this to help Wil.

  9. Glad you are feeling better. THings that helped me with PTSD: knitting and EMDR. Just in case….

  10. My mom recently started selling CBD oil and she’s been trying to get me to take it. I have terrible anxiety and recently been struggling with possible diagnosis of MS. I still need to talk to my doctor about it. I also need it make 100% sure it doesn’t have any THC in it (my job does drug testing). I’m really glad it works for you. We shall see if it I can also gain the benefits of it’s use.

  11. It is so great to read that you are feeling so much better, and that you found something that works! Hooray!

  12. I relate to this so much. I’ve struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for as long as I can remember. Still dealing with the middle of the night anxiety too. It really sucks, but it has gotten much better since I started using CBD oil. It’s made a world of difference for me, glad to hear you’re getting some relief too.

  15. So glad the CBD helped! I’m in a similar fix right now. Eerily so. Except I have migraines on top of the anxiety, insomnia and nightmares. I wish CBD was legal here. I would suggest it to my care team!

  16. Hey, Wil, nice segment on the One Hundred Favorite Books of all time. I enjoyed it. And u pick Dune, nice choice. Loved the first movie. Canibus is good but can make u stupid so watch out for that. Which mood stabilizer are u on? I’ve tried them all and for me, Lymictal was best. U know u have the right one when u suffer from little to no side effects. I am so glad u are feeling better, too. You are by far, one of the best actors I have ever seen. I loved u most in of all things, Criminal Mind. You were absolutely marvelous, darling, lol. U are also the only actor that I would make a fool of myself if I were to ever meet u in person. U know the fan thing. Actors are just people to me but you, my friend, are exceptional.

  18. I’m so glad you’re feeling better!
    And I hope your betas are fast readers 😉

  20. That’s awesome for you that you found something that helps! And awesome for us that you finished the first rewrite :-). I’m really looking forward to reading your work however you end up sending it out into the world.

  24. I am glad you found something that is working.

    Another treatment that is worth keeping in the back of your mind is Theanine supplements. It is a non essential amino acid that is naturally found in green tea and is an immediate precursor to GABA.

    It has worked wonders for my anxiety and several of my friends, one of whom decided she liked it better than CBD.

  25. Hey, Wil! I’m late to the comment-thread on this one, but you and I actually have a lot in common, including the fact that I think we both discovered CBD on about the same day last week.

    My experience with how it helps me has been about the same as yours, in that it generally just makes me feel “good” without any other particular effects.

    I would like to note that it’s not always clear to others when we talk about CBD that although it often comes from marijuana-related plants in the hemp family, not all CBD products have THC in them at all, and that using CBD is NOT necessarily synonymous with using THC. While plenty of CBD products also have varying amounts of THC in them, and that can be good for some people, plenty also do not. The product I’ve been using is from Green Mountain CBD, and I believe it’s made from a variety of hemp that has almost no measurable THC in it. That means two important things:

    1) If you’re specifically looking for what CBD might do for you WITHOUT what THC might do for you, there are plenty of ways to get that, and one needn’t be afraid of the real or perceived associations with marijuana.
    2) I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve read a number of things that seem to indicate that this means CBD-only products that don’t have THC in them are basically legal everywhere in the US since they’re effectively no longer classified as anything related to marijuana. This seems to hold true in my home state of MA (yes, I know we’ve legalized THC as well) in the sense that CBD-only products just popped up at nearly every health food and grocery store around.

    One other thing that I’ve found important and interesting in this discussion is that everyone should ABSOLUTELY talk to his/her doctor about all of this before trying any of it, specifically because of much of the confusing stuff you’ll read elsewhere, much of which is biased for all kinds of reasons. In my case, my doctor and I both had things to teach each other about CBD and cannabis-related stuff in general. We’re both better for having had the conversation.

  27. My mom used cannabis oil during her cancer treatment (CBD/THC). Although it didn’t put her cancer in remission, it protected and supported her diabetes-damaged kidneys enough that chemotherapy didn’t destroy them. Renal function actually improved! Whole family is also big medical cannabis advocates.

  28. Dude, I miss your face on the inter webs man. Glad you’re doin better and hope it keeps gettin better for you. Good luck.

  29. I used to have terrible depression and anxiety. Not to mention insomnia, night terrors, stomach issues, the list goes on. I got on the GAPS protocol and it all went away! Unbelievable how much diet plays a role.

  30. Specialized Forms of Oil

    It has been about five years since I began reading your blog, as well as becoming aware that you are an author and voice artist. Throughout this time there has been an ebb and flow of curious synchronicities with what you are talking about or sharing, and my own experiences. Last week I placed an order for some art materials, including silicone oil. Although your post was published on Wednesday, I did not read it until Thursday evening, which was within the hour of opening the Amazon box with the package of oil. The thread of synchronicity comes full circle, as I consider the fact that I will be traveling from Reston to Pasadena, in just a few weeks from now, for Alien Con.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1kkhlGdAspA

  32. As always – thank you for sharing. I’m so glad to hear you found something that worked for you. And CONTRATS on the rewrite!! Well done!

  33. Thank you for sharing all of this, Wil. I’ve gone back to both shopping therapists and seeing a psych for med management for the first time in a decade, and your writings and podcast have helped me to embrace it as well as to honestly talk about it. That helps doubly for me, where I feel like I’m helping with the stigma but more than that, I’m speaking about what it feels like for me and including the people around me and therefore leaning on them for support. It’s a lot harder to spiral into a panic attack cycle of withdrawing from a situation and focusing on my own worst circular anxiety thoughts when people know my triggers and can see it happening and help pull me out. Thank you for your honesty and for wording things in a way that help me communicate things that I have had trouble expressing in the past.

  34. I’m so happy that you found some relief! I read a lot about CBD and I actually wanted to purchase it for myself, to help me sleep, too. For a year. I don’t know what stopped me, I never really doubted that it works because I’ve read and watched so many genuine stories. Next month I’m finally going to purchase it for myself, I’m worth it and I don’t have to wait for it to get really bad, right? Your experience with CBD is another clear confirmation that I should give it a try.
    Once again, it’s so heartwarming to read that you’re feeling better!

  35. I would love to try it both for my anxiety and for encroaching chronic pain issues, but it’s illegal here. I hope that changes soon.

    But I’m so very glad you’re feeling better! It’s a rollercoaster for sure.

  36. Glad you’re better. I use CBD for Fibromyalgia pain. I’d like to also take a moment to thank you for raising awareness about depression. We lost our amazing nephew, Robert, today to suicide. He was 24 years old and had battled depression for a decade. Your work makes a difference. Wishing you all good things.

      1. Thank you. Please keep speaking out to the extent that you can and still maintain your wellness. You’re using your celebrity in the best possible way. I appreciate your willingness to open up for the benefit of others. We lose so many beautiful souls to depression. I know that you’re a warrior in your private struggle and I just wanted to acknowledge your contribution to the greater good.

  38. I have anxiety and depression and all the “fun” stuff that goes with it, I’m on the highest dose of anti-depressant I can get without being sectioned and I have been for years but I still feel this crushing weight of hopelessness on my chest, I don’t sleep well, hardly get out of the house, I am so low and anxiety attacks are getting more and more frequent again, I try to get help and obstacles are always in my way it seems, I dont see a way out of this hellish life I am living, I’m not suicidal thankfully but I can absolutely understand why people do that if their life feels as full of despair like mine. I’m in the UK and I don’t know if CBD is even available on the NHS and private treatment is out of my reach, I can’t carry on like this for much longer.

      1. It’s a one-way ride to a bad part of Wordtown, Jake. Snake.

        Words that are hiding in, around, and near Tincture’s hideout: puncture, sphincter, tinkle, torture, Tinkerbell, taint.

        I feel like I might get tossed in there and forced to rescue the president’s daughter.

  41. Wil, Thank you for your post. There are so many of us suffering from the issues you have. I’m so glad that you are finding things to help. I use CBD cream for a skin condition, and I am a big believer in the benefits of hemp, cannabis, and CBD products. I know so many that it has helped! I believe that cannabis could cure so much and stop the opiate epidemic. I believe some of our revered musicians, actors, and others would be alive today, if they had put down the pharmaceutical and used marijuana!!! I hope that soon research is begun on the benefits and that it will be legal in all 50 states! Take care, Wil. We all have your back! 🙂

  42. Great post as usual. Have you ever tried any music therapy of any kind to help with the anxiety? I am very interested if that is helpful to people at all. There is a link to some hz music in the links section of my page – You are welcome to see if these tracks are beneficial at all or if they are just background noise to another meltdown…

  44. I truly enjoy your blog regardless, but I actually find myself coming to it for advice. You feel like a sort of soul-sibling nerd-guru!
    Yesterday was one such occasion. I have GAD and sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere in a really massive way, usually oppressing every other thought, feeling or ability to be productive in any way for a few days.
    I wonder, what you would do in this situation. The problem is, getting through the day with constant anxiety symptoms was hard enough,
    unable to concentrate for any length of time, feeling like I needed to stop and get my breath back every five minutes, not to mention not feeling comfortable leaving my room or seeing anyone. But when productivity is an enormous part of my stress and anxiety, needing to get through my (delayed) home studies so I can leave – I would feel equally awful/unable to decide to just write the day off. This creates a paradox of sorts – I’m not getting anything at all done, because of the dreadful anxiety, but I’m still trying all day (because of the dreadful anxiety…).
    I really don’t know what to do. Both paths seems equally insurmountable. I don’t know if you can relate, but with your (amazing) productivity featuring in your blog recently, I wanted to see if posting this here came to anything.

    Wishing we were nerdy friends,
    M 🙂

  46. Hey, I’m glad you found something that works for you. I’ve suffered with panic attacks since I was 8 years old and found that meditation works for me.

  47. You can take this how you want but I do not think you should have mocked Christians when all of those men women and children were killed in that church. I am a Christian and I knew when you did that that it would not go well for you. I just recently saw this blog and your comments on these attacks that you have had at night. I am glad that you have found a drug to help you. But I have been a Christian all my life and I have had attacks like these in the past and all I have ever needed to help me was prayer (and faith in God) then I go right back to sleep. No drugs. You said in your comments after the attack what good did all our prayers do? However Christians do not get saved or pray to be spared from harm or death we get saved and pray for when it comes. I used to like watching your board game play throughs but after your remarks I stopped. I do hope you find peace eventually – without the drugs.

  48. I’m struggling with the same emotions currently, and so I’m honestly inspired by your work, as well as your perseverance in the face of that dark cloud which plagues me still brotha. Great stuff👍🏼

    1. I know, right? It’s amazing what a word from someone else can do to help. People who use their voices to create needed change and awareness are doing the work of the Divine. Hope you are able to get your balance back, Marcel. Keep up the work of staying strong!

      1. I agree on the need to speak up, at least in terms of exorcising the unrelenting angst, within our darkest inner corners. Yet; as far as the ‘work of the Divine’ is concerned, well, in all honesty, I can’t help but believe that there is a bittersweet beauty in any given individual’s personal STRUGGLE…
        Perhaps, what I ultimately mean to draw upon here, is that one could even go so far as to say, there is an underlying divinity within ‘THE STRUGGLE’.
        Fore;
        ‘twas not-cupcakes & roses,-wealth or fame, which allowed the Buddha to finally gain access to the divine plane of Nirvana!
        … ‘Twas not-self-promotion & idolized glory,-light-hearted pursuit of earthly pleasures or naive

        1. …obsessions over material gains, which preceded Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for humanity.
          It was no a joyful summer’s stroll through the park, that led Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Twain, or Kafka-to give the world some of the GREATEST stories EVER WRITTEN by mankind. Their shame was their ink, their deepest, self-tormented agonies were what bled, like fire onto the blank pages, bled out like Christ on the cross, into countless literary works of unadulterated passion…

          Fore;
          if you ask me,
          well,
          …the beauty lies within
          the struggle.
          In fact, at least as far as TRUE ART, is concerned, I find this conceptually comparable to the Zen belief of ‘JING&JANG’☯️.
          The struggle is itself, utterly inseparable, from the ultimate beauty, and NEITHER, may be achieved,
          ….without the other.

          So take haste in your soul’s pursuit of that release, and do not falter as you continue to scale up that mountain, hidden deep inside of you, for the path only gets more treacherous as you near the summit...

  49. I’ll have to try this. I’m so desperate. Just glad that I’m not the only one.

  50. hey wil, don’t exect you to see this, but you are in indy today for popcon, i just found out. so i may have to get out of bed.
    indy pride is today, about four blocks from your venue, so stop by to say hi to the crowd if you get a chance.

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