Over the last few days, I’ve encountered a lot of people who have been kind to me. I’ve seen people in random places, like the grocery store and the pet store, who have told me that they read my stuff online, and they appreciate me. I ran into a bunch of people at my friend’s show last night, who told me how much they value — not just like, but value — Tabletop, and more than a few people there told me that they thought I was a good person who does good things.
If you’re one of these people, I know I said “thank you” in person, but I want to say it again, in public, in a way that my anxiety doesn’t allow when we’re face to face.
Thank you! I needed that, so much.
You see, I *really* needed to be reminded that the stuff I do matters to people, and is worth my time and effort. I’m dealing with a few really terrible things in my real life that I’m not talking about in public, and won’t talk about in public, and at the same time, I’ve been struggling with anxiety. I can feel a capital-D Depressive episode lurking around pretty much every corner, and I’m doing my best to practice my CBT and take my meds and talk to the people who are close to me, who care about me and help me when my brain decides to turn on me. For far too long, my brain has been going out of its way to remind me that I suck at everything, the book I’ve worked so hard on for so long is going to fail (it won’t; I’m super proud of it and believe in it), and nobody cares about me or what I do. The world has moved on, I’m drifting into “trivia answer” territory, and if I just disappeared from public life tomorrow, nobody would care or notice.
I know that none of that is real, but … well, I’ve written about Depression before and how it is such a giant dick about stuff like this. It’s challenging to tune out that insistent voice of doubt and despair, even when I know that it’s just a bunch of noise.
I shouldn’t give trolls and harassers any space in my head, too, but I gotta be honest: that last week on Twitter was horrible. Every day was a flood of people putting in considerable time and effort to make me miserable, and even though I was able to ignore most of it, some of it still got through. I mean, I’m just human and I have a wonky brain, so…
Maybe I’m just more *aware* of the kindness of people in the last few days, or maybe there really has been some kind of uptick in kindness for some reason that normal people can probably see, but remains hidden to me. But the end result is: I’m doing everything I can to practice gratitude, kindness, empathy, and patience. I’m not always successful, but the affirmation I’ve gotten from people who don’t know me and have no reason to reach out with kindness and appreciation has made a HUGE difference.
I’m so grateful for the love and support and patience that my wife and children give me every day, but I’ve been dealing with so much negativity and cruelty, I haven’t been able to see and feel it. The people who have been kind and gentle to me recently sort of helped push back the weasels of despair that have been threatening to overwhelm me, which has created the space in my life that I couldn’t make myself to accept and embrace the love of my wife and kids.
So thank you, people who don’t know me and have nothing to gain by being kind to me, for your kindness, whether you are offline or online.
And please consider this: you have choices all day long about how you treat people. Every interaction can be kind, or it can be cruel, and the choice you make will have an effect on people you’ll never meet. Make a choice that you’ll feel good about.
Thanks for listening.
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I appreciate your being a torchbearer for nerds/geeks everywhere. We need someone who can inspire us and you do this. Thanks for being yourself and being honest and earnest.
Thank you! With your courage you have given others ( me included ) courage.
Back, evil weasels, back! You leave our Wil alone! You are nothing but stinky wisps, and he is a tower of kindness and compassion and thoughtfulness and love!
dusts off hands There. Now go snuggle your puppies. Or your wife. You deserve the best, because you give your best. And that’s darn good.
–a stranger
THIS!
I’ve said it before, but your audiobook narration and Tabletop brought me closer to my husband. I was never into audiobooks until I heard you do one of Scalzi’s. And Tabletop helped me develop an interest and appreciation for tabletop gaming – my husband’s primary hobby. You also were a wonderful example to me of stepparenting done right – something I am challenged by every day. You matter – your words matter – and I thank you for the perspective you bring to the world.
You and I have very very VERY similar thought patterns. D and A are awful. I sadly 100% understand where you are coming from. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone and for being so open. People need to hear the stories.
Thank you for writing about depression. It is hard for those of us men who suffer from it, to come to grips with the ramifications of depression. My faith in Christ has been fundamental in coping and excelling with depression. Encouragement is key in helping us. Your word are encouraging! We met once, you were buying a Mini. You are an excellent individual with a great family. God bless you.
This, 100%: “And please consider this: you have choices all day long about how you treat people. Every interaction can be kind, or it can be cruel, and the choice you make will have an effect on people you’ll never meet. Make a choice that you’ll feel good about.”
Keep pressing on. Don’t let the brain gremlins get to you. Soon the daylight will melt them away in the Montgomery Wards store of your heart…
I have been lucky enough to meet you at Megacon in Orlando 4 years ago. You were kind and genuine and it was everything I hoped for years meeting you would be. You and your wife are inspiring in so many ways but I think one way that truly stands out to me is how you deal with your anxiety and depression publicly. I struggle with anxiety and have for years. Some days are worse than others. Because of you, I know it’s ok to not just be a nerd but to live with anxiety and not let it control my life. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for being, well, you. ❤️
Thank you for writing this blog. It’s a reminder that being considerate and caring about other people is normal. 🙂
I know I’ve said this to you many times, but it bears repeating: You are a wonderful human being. You are extraordinarily talented as a writer, actor, animal lover and humanitarian. You have helped so many people with problems by speaking out. Anyone who disagrees with this is flat-out wrong and doesn’t deserve the air we all breathe. I think the world of you and Anne and I hope I get to tell you this again in person sometime soon.
Laurie
So here is a little story for you Wil. I went to the first PAX East back in 2010. My boyfriend at the time was supposed to go with me, but could not at the last minute. My brother went with me but pretty much found his friends and went to hang with them. I was on my own at a gaming convention and sort of trying to figure out what to do with myself. And then I saw these tables being set up and a couple people milling around. I asked “is this a line? Are we standing in line?” and they were like “Something must be coming, so yeah, let’s all line up!” I think it was just a general autograph area, but who was the first person to appear after I stood around like a goofball for several minutes? YOU! And who did I get to have a lovely moment with and get my photo with? YOU! It made my day because it was one of those great community moments, that even if I was feeling kind of alone right then, I knew I was with my people.
Anyway, here are our smiling faces. I hope it makes you smile too. (you can also see the line that formed after the fact LOL) https://flic.kr/p/7PU8ck
I love this’
I am not usually a person who comments on things online (or offline – I’m an introvert to the max), but I wanted to tell you, Wil, how much I appreciate and value the things that you do. The Tabletop series especially brought my family closer together and helped us find our tribe. Your blog posts and other online statements about depression and anxiety have helped me feel less alone in dealing with my own issues. Thank you for being a voice and thank you for being you.
Thank you Wil. I really appreciate reading what you have to say; always glad to see a post from you turn up in my inbox. You have helped me by speaking out about the scary issues you face and deal with and that’s helped me deal with my own scary issues more effectively. You’re a really decent, good-hearted person and I’m thankful I found your blog. I’ve been a fan since ‘Stand By Me’ but I’m a fan for many other reasons now.
Thank you, Wil, for not being afraid to speak about your depression and all of the work that you’ve been doing to combat it. Some days it’s more of a struggle than others.
I appreciate you and your work. You’ve inspired me to be better at dealing with my own depression and to drink a lot less than I have been. While it’s not easy to ignore the haters and trolls please remember of all of the good that you bring to the world.
I’m a small and repetitive voice but dammit Wil, every thing you do matters. You and your work randomly come up in conversations of others all the time. All. The. Time. Tabletop, Star Trek, all of it. If you weren’t around doing your craft – being visible- I would not be ok. A lot of us would not be ok.
I’m sorry your brain is being a dick so don’t let it bring you down. Fuck twitter and that one asshole on reddit who is saying shitty things to your every comment.
There’s a lot more who are fans, they’re just out there living their lives as you do.
Highest of fives!
Thank you for sharing. I value your posts. They encourage me in many ways, and I would miss them if they weren’t there. I am grateful that you choose to spend time blogging about your challenges, and I do believe you are a good person doing good things. I think you are a trailblazer, and I appreciate that. Thank you for being willing to share your time and experiences so that others won’t feel so alone in theirs.
As usual with your posts about your mental health, I feel like there’s a lot I could say in terms of how it resonates with me, but instead I’ll just say: today has been an excessively Mondayish Monday (insert Office Space clip here), I’ve been way too much in my head today and for the past month or longer, and I really, really needed to read this and be reminded that I encounter kindness, both from strangers and friends, every day, and I shouldn’t take that for granted.
And yes, Depression and Anxiety are lying liars. Tabletop means a lot to me (BTW, my library is expanding beyond our one monthly Tabletop Game Night to two, possibly three), your blog posts mean a lot, your general kindness and friendliness and humor mean a lot, and I’m really looking forward to reading your book. So…thank you.
It is us that owe you the sincerest of thank yous. You have openly talked about your demons, and it has been as helpful for me as I can only imagine it was difficult for you .
I have always enjoyed seeing you act, but It wasn’t until recently I came across your writings. The past few years haven’t been particularly pleasant, but reading your stories, and hearing your narrations have been an absolute pleasure.
Thank You, sir!
Want to add my voice to the chorus of people who value your writings, table top and the voice for positivity that you represents on the Internet. Please don’t let the trolls get you down.
Wil – you are appreciated. My whole family looks forward to your guest star appearances on BBT. Tabletop is also a great web show that we appreciate you starting.
My family and I have benefited from your words more than you could POSSIBLY ever know. Please do not listen to any negative words. Sending many hugs your way! 🙂 <3
It saddens me to hear you’re struggling. Your posts are always timely & somehow exactly what I need to read when I’m reading it. The Universe is using you as a messenger & I am so grateful to follow your blog. You’ve been on my mind the last few days as Stand By Me has been on TV in my area several times over the weekend. Every time I see your sweet Gordy face it makes me smile. Your voice & your work matters and makes a difference. Sending you strength, courage, healing, & peace. 💛
Thanks for all you write.
I value you and your openness about your depression and anxiety. You truly help me understand my nephew—he means the world to me! And you are a big part of that world. Thank you 💝
We each have our own paths out of darkness that work best. For me, it’s being of service to others.
Next Monday I’ll start a new engineering job, a very good one, after 4 years of unemployment (aside from one 6-month contract). During those 4 years I felt the effects of ageism (I’ve been an engineer for 30 years), of dwindling finances, the repeated rejection of not landing interviews for jobs for which I’m abundantly qualified (and reasonably priced).
But most of all I missed not doing what I love most, engineering. I had lots of hobby projects, but that’s not nearly the same thing. I felt I was losing my identity, both professional and personal. I completely stopped dating.
Then I started volunteering more and more. I’ve always been a volunteer usher for plays at one local theater, so I added more theaters to the list. I’ve been doing triathlon for a decade, so I studied up and started volunteering to coach adult beginners.
But those were all evening and weekend gigs. What to do with my days? Filing endless job applications was feeling futile. And lonely. And depressing.
I was also a volunteer for Code.Org. That led me to consider becoming a high school STEM teacher, which was greatly facilitated by connecting with EnCorps, and last February I started as a volunteer math tutor at a local high school. Being unemployed, I was able to be there full-time every day, while continuing to pursue engineering job opportunities after school.
Those students kicked my ass. Every day I had to get out of my own shit, and meet them wherever they were as people that day. I had to understand that failing a class seldom had anything to do with the subject of the class, so getting a student caught up often required far more than just reviewing the subject. I had to learn how to unblock their learning processes.
I had to learn to help them cope with academic-related emotional side-effects such as frustration, anger, desperation, panic and anxiety. Having had a ton of therapy over the decades, I could provide gentle mini-introductions to mindfulness and CBT. (A review which also helped me immensely.)
I also had to deal with students having issues of hunger, lack of sleep, and drug use. I preached the simple gospel of self-care, both physical and emotional. And checked in with them every day.
I had to pour my heart and soul into those students. In the words of one teacher, I “had to love the shit out of them”, with only the non-shit remaining.
They saved me. Even the tiniest progress went off like a nova in my heart. That joy created positive feedback. My own problems, though serious, became far less desperate and tragic.
Last week I had two job interviews: One for a teaching job, and one for an engineering job. I got job offers from both within 24 hours of each other. Unfortunately, the teaching job was only half-time and wasn’t enough to pay the bills, so I accepted the engineering job.
That choice broke my heart. Working with students has come to mean so much to me. But working for a living has to come first.
After I rebuild my finances, I will seek to become a full-time teacher.
I firmly believe that working with students has changed me as a person, and those changes affected both job interviews, resulting in my twice becoming a successful candidate.
Volunteering gave back far more than I could have imagined. I fear what I would have become without those students. And beginner triathletes. And theater patrons.
+1 My nephew has been unemployed for what seems like forever, and I wish I could make him read this and understand it. I can say “volunteer, volunteer, volunteer” until the cows come home but he… can’t hear it, I guess. But congratulations to you on the new job and I hope you manage to get into teaching sooner rather than later!
I’d recommend starting him on regular exercise. Being “well in mind and body” for me had to start with the body. Only then could I focus on the mind (and heart and soul).
However, I had a complication: Decades ago, therapy was getting no traction with my unrelenting depression. Over the years my therapist, psychiatrist and I went through the entire anti-depressant pharmacopoeia. Twice. With no beneficial effect, and way too many negative side-effects. Finally, my therapist suggested I start strength training. Not bodybuilding, not aerobics. Right in-between.
It worked. Within three months, my extensive therapy education gained real traction. I was able to talk back to my bad memories, my swinging emotions, and my errant thoughts. I got better. I learned about myself. And got better still. Six months later I said goodbye to my therapist.
To this day, I’m afraid to stop moving. Triathlon has me training in three sports, with my fourth sport being strength training. I’m soon reminded of the need to keep moving every time I take a break longer than a few weeks.
Also, kill social media, youtube/streaming/binging, and online/PC/phone games. Such addictions multiply when we’re down. They can be worse (in the soul-sucking sense) than alcohol or drugs. (Not that I recommend replacing one with the other!)
Read. Physical books. Fiction, plus non-fiction on complex topics. Open the mental door to the outer world. Trigger and indulge curiosity. Get a library card. Read outside the home, in parks or museums or coffee shops. Being alone in a crowd can be soothing, when one has a book. Gentle social re-entry.
Read blogs by folks fighting the good fight. Like this one.
Cook. For one’s self, and for others. Start with simple recipes, then experiment, be creative. Feeding one’s self and others is (literally) fulfilling. And useful. And tasty too! Don’t let the pans and dishes sit.
Take an online course. Start with something whimsical. Then something relevant. Then something useful. Then go to the local community college.
Keep a daily journal or blog, and review it weekly. Self-honesty and introspection are the seeds of growth. Looking back can be awesome.
The list goes on.
For me it’s always tiny steps, tiny steps. All the time, every day. I often fall, but not far, rarely hard.
I still haven’t figured out romantic relationships and long-term commitments. But I have lots of dear friends and family!
This is who I am, and I’m very OK with it. I’m the best me I’ve ever been. (Which can be a depressing thought, if I let it.)
Working with students has been my biggest stretch since, well, ever. Had I known in advance what I was getting into, I might never have started. Despite my health and growth, I would have doubted and second-guessed myself into paralysis. I would have used my unemployment as an excuse. It was only my pattern of volunteering that pushed me onward.
Upward patterns are good.
I’m still a work in progress, and expect to always be so.
So say we all!
Great experience and excellent advice. I’m happy exercise has healed you. Medication is the only thing that has consistently helped me. Also, I have been in treatment groups with people who work out every day, some of them for a living, and they still have episodes of depression and anxiety. And for me, in the days, weeks, and months before a serious episode I’m productive, happy, and moving around a lot (not necessarily specific, scheduled exercise though). What happens is I get an idea to change my medicine (with my doctor), and then I get sick. Every major episode I’ve had has been caused by treatment for a physical illness or changing around my medication (well, and menopause). Please remind me not to do that again if I express an inkling!
My husband’s an engineer and used to tutor me in math in college. I still call him a math tutor as an insult! I used to not understand how/why it was ok to manipulate equations to solve them. He used to say it’s just gymnastics that someone figured out worked, so just play the game! Also, don’t forget to do the same thing to BOTH sides of the equation!! 😀😀😀
I feel like there should be a Second Wheaton’s Law: Don’t be a dick to yourself.
I SO wish I could upvote this! (I need these comments to be more like a subreddit.)
Co-signed!
Wil, Along the way through all of our daily lives, we have challenges that can be external or internal. We handle the external issues as well as we can, personally or professionally. Detractors rarely make sense and are more often, at best, ignorant, Bask in the positive atmosphere of your friends, colleagues, and family. You have our support and friendship.
Wil, I’ll always listen. I’ll always care! We all need to be positive with each other and give support NOT harassment. Please count each success as a step toward less anxiety and depression! Each little battle won is a victory. Take care, dear Wil!
It may sound trite, and I wish I was more eloquent to invent new expressions, but you make this world a better place by being in it. By participating and staying involved, you inspire others to keep at it. I’m sorry the big D has been nudging you so persistently. I can only imagine that it adds stress to keep it at bay, but I hope you successfully avoid those mind-fucks as often as you can. Unsolicited acts of kindness is my favorite thing in all the world. A smile, thoughtful words, or a sweet note can take so little effort but mean so much. I try to be every day….. but I fail now and then. My favorite quote ever is one I try to remind myself in practically every circumstance. “If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me”. Love you Wil.
Thank you it’s something everyone needs to know that they do matter. Ignore those that treat you otherwise I know it’s hard being bipolar 2 I struggle as well. You are courageous and what you are doing being so honest about your troubles helps others to realize they are not alone . Because of you I told my work during our mental health week and was able to say it’s ok .it’s no different than having other ailments and it’s ok to ask for help. Thank you
What you do matters. More than you brain lets you believe or remember, what you do matters. Written from day 11 of the Big D, I can tell you seeing your blog land in my inbox was a Really Valuable Thing. You always remind me it’s ok to be human, it’s ok to wallow sometimes, it’s ok to feel like total shit, and you do it bravely, in public, in front of all of us who really do have your back, even if it’s from the laptop in bed. You even kindly kicked my ass about CBT so I guess I will eat today after all. A big handful of Peace Glitter blown west. Don’t bother to clean up the sparkles.
man, what you do matters….even just your words of sharing these very moments is so impactful… <3 Thank you!
Thank you for reminding us that every day we all can show kindness. It isn’t in the big gestures, but in the small things that we show our appreciation for one another. Your endeavors have enriched my life and I thank you for it.
I haven’t read all the comments but I’m 99.9% certain they all say some variation of what I would want to say. Also, thank YOU for showing us there is life during and beyond depression. You sir are an admirable and wise gentleman.
When I got harassed, beat up and isolated fir3 being a nerd and playing D&D as a kid, it was tough. I kind of drifted through childhood feeling very alone.
One day in the 90s, I discovered what I thought had to be the coolest thing ever. This kid I knew from the movies and star trek had started one of these blog thingies. Turns out, he loved the same things I did. He played D&D!! He struggled with feeling alone in crowded rooms full of actors and stars. Felt weird about being am geeky and awkward.
You made me feel normal. Accepted. At a time when I needed it most.
You matter. You’ve put a shit ton more good ìn the world than you’ve taken for yourself. So when your brain is being an ass, remember there are people whose lives are better because you had the courage to share your life and your struggles with depression. You give us a voice.
Thank you, Wil.
Five or six years ago, Mr. W., you were signing photos at Gen Con. I came along in my scooter with my now 13 year old. He was dressed as a pirate. You leaned across the table and asked him, “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?” He stared at you wide-eyed and muttered, “I don’t know.” You, in a loud pirate voice, answered, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” You made his con. And mine. Thank you.
Wil Wheaton, you continue to surprise me and that’s the best compliment I can pay someone. You are a flawed, amazing mess just like the rest of us and yet you continue to be a kind and wonderful human. Know that there are many other flawed and kind and wonderful humans out here, as well. Thank you for being you.
Hi Wil, I would like to be another kind stranger and thank you for speaking out about anxiety and depression, and sharing so much about your personal struggles with these demons. To hear you mention private struggles that you are also experiencing saddens me, and if there is any scintilla of strength that I can send your way to help get through them, I’m beaming them now.
I’m glad you are feeling appreciated, because you definitely are. Also, “weasels of despair” – so funny!
I’m going through depression too – all I can say is .. robin William took his life.. and the world mourned. I mourned because he gave so much and I couldn’t save him- you have brought joy to millions, you have made fun of yourself, you’ve helped so many people… your a great actor… don’t give up
The storm is tough, but will pass, I tell me myself this all the time! You have people you love , that will hurt if your gone
My goal is to be kind to everyone, especially check-out ladies and flunkies everywhere. I’d like to thank you for your blog, too. Just remember, every day is a gift. I mean that! Today is my birthday. I am 70. Many people do not make it this far, so I try to enjoy every day and to not dwell on the bad, but to think about the good things that happen all around me. I still wear a protest tshirt every time I leave the house, though. Today my shirt says “I am raising an army of feminists”; I have 4 daughters. Saturday my shirt said “Make racism wrong again”. Yesterday, I didn’t get dressed.
Happy birthday!! I want to make a shirt that says, “I’m one of the 47” on the front, and “Not one of the 53” on the back. Not everyone will get it, but those who do would appreciate it, I think!
I was in a grocery store a few weeks ago with a very long line, one cashier, and an extremely diverse crowd of patrons. Another line opened up and instead of a mad rush to get in it, to be first, to get ahead, the entire crowd was gracious and polite and kind and, unprompted by the cashiers, basically broke into a express line of people with fewer items and a line for people with full shopping carts. It was amazing and weird and lovely. And I had to suspect that part of it was all of our knowledge that we’re living in a really hard time where real-world kindness is both priceless to receive and priceless to give. I also suspect that everyone in that store at that moment in time left feeling better about the world. Thanks for letting me read your words today and feel better about the world!
I appreciate how you remind me that I’m certainly not the only one who likes things so absolutely nerdy and awesome but also that I’m not the only one dealing with those stupid twatwaffles (yet to be diagnosed…. Yes, I know, I know….) D and A.. (I’m working on the courage to talk to someone.. I really am.. Just with my job where I am literally never home, it’s hard..) So thank you very, very much, Wil.
So much goodness coming your way in these comments. Hear them all. I recently had my own professional sh!tstorm lately, and someone walking up to me and thanking me for doing good work turned my emotional tide. So… a secular ‘Amen, brother.’ from me. Caring about doing good work is a double-edged sword. Makes you strive for excellence. Makes you cut yourself for imperfection. I am working on an ‘actionable feedback’ filter. Not all feedback is useful or even true. And others often aren’t filtering themselves to that standard. I wish that for you both internally and externally. An actionable feedback filter. Your CBT will help. Yay! Your family loves you and that helps too. I greatly value you and your unique voice in this world. Thank you for having the nads to be you.
Met a dude at WorldCon in San Jose last night carrying a plushy burrito signed by John Scalzi. He explained the discourse btw you two re same. One of many fabulous momentary my first WorldCom in seven years, Reno. thank s for that. You are clearly regarded, heard and matter. Bless.
“Moments at…”
Thank YOU, Wil for so many posts that give me food for thought, for consideration, for calls to action, for tears and laughter and for caring. Sincerely appreciate you.
I’m a complete stranger, who will never get to meet you, but i need to tell you how much i love your heart. Everything you post just cements in my mind how wonderful a person you are inside, where it counts. I wish i could tell you how much your sharing has helped me, and so many others. Please keep on living and fighting and pushing ahead, and loving your family. You rock, and you matter!!
Thank you for the reminder to treat others as we would like to be treated. Not everyone remembers as often as they should. And please know that what you do NOW makes a difference to us, not just past actions. We appreciate your work in myriad ways, so thank you!
I’m sorry, Wil, that the trolls are harassing you-you don’t need the haters and cowards who hide behind their keyboards. Please know that you make a difference, that what you write and perform and participate in makes our world better. I’m keeping you in good thoughts for whatever you and Anne are going through. Because you aren’t alone and all of our voices are louder then whatever voice is rearing it’s head. You matter.
Hi Wil,
I think the the word “depression” is a general and very imprecise term that doesn’t truly reflect the thoughts and feelings you are describing. I can only speak for myself but I call it “dread”. Sometimes I am overcome by an unspecific general feeling of impending, or, rather, a slowly but inevitably accumulating sense of, failure that I can only describe as dread. It is a dread I believe all people above a certain threshold of sensitivity and intelligence must learn to cope with. Sometimes I think it may be the dread of certain death haunting the recesses of our consciousness. But in the end you are a beautiful person and, if you stay the course, you will leave this life having left a positive legacy. Every day we have remaining we must strive not to tarnish whatever good we have done in our past while seeking to achieve new contributions. It is not an easy path. Ignorance is bliss, my friend. (I hope you don’t mind me using the word friend even though I am a stranger).