I feel like I should be doing more, making more — hell, making anything — and generally being more productive.
But I just have nothing. No motivation. No ideas. No compulsion to create. I keep feeling like I’m just wasting time, just keeping my head down and hoping that today will be better than the day before and that this string of days will come to an end in a spectacular rebuke of Depression and Anxiety.
But that doesn’t seem to be how this is going. I’m not really living right now. I’m just existing and the frustrating thing is that I know it doesn’t have to be this way, while also knowing that my brain is wired a little sideways and it’s going to be like this until it isn’t, and there’s not a lot I can do about that except realize that this isn’t forever, that I’ll heal the grief that opened up a few months ago, and the fresh pain and grief that recently opened up will eventually join it.
I sit here at my desk and stare are a blinking cursor for what seems like hours. I type a few words and delete them. I get up and walk around the house and up and down the block, trying to shake loose whatever is blocking up my ability to be creative, to feel like it’s worth the effort, and it just doesn’t seem to be working.
I’m doing my best to give myself permission to accept that my brain isn’t really on Team Wil right now, and not beat myself up about it. I’m clinically Depressed at the moment, but I’m still grateful that I can afford to have a string of days (stretching into months, now) that feel sort of debilitating and I don’t have to worry about not making a mortgage payment or feeding myself. All I have to do is take care of myself, take my meds, talk to my therapist, and work on proactive things like meditation and exercise that are usually good and helpful for my wonky brain.
Today, I feel marginally better than I did yesterday, and yesterday I felt marginally better than the day before that. If that’s how it’s going to go, I’m happy to accept marginal and steady improvement, however long it takes.
Can I admit something?
I’m scared. I’m terrified that being unproductive and not creating anything new for weeks or months at a time will catch up with me, the world will move on, and my fifteen minutes will be up before I realize it. I’m feeling my age, and though I pretty regularly feel like my best days and best work is behind me, I know that isn’t true. Now, if I could just convince my brain to accept that and stop trying to make me feel like there’s no reason I should even try to be creative.
I realize that’s irrational, but the Super Happy Funtimes of my particular version of mental illness is really good at making the case for it being correct and inevitable.
And the thing that’s so dumb? Tomorrow, I start work on something awesome that I love, that I deserve, that I get to do because I earned it with my hard work and ability as an actor. I know all of that, but I don’t feel a bit of it … and yet I will go to the studio in the morning and I’ll love that I get to be there, I’ll know that I deserve it, everyone there will be happy to see me, and I’ll feel like a total fraud.
Well, maybe writing about those fears and putting them here will help me trick my brain into giving me a break so I can just enjoy the experience and feel proud of myself, instead of the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that’s currently filling up my life.
And on that happy note, please allow me to share Riley’s latest creation for our Roll Model campaign, because even in these incredibly dark days, Riley’s creations have brought me some very real and much-needed happiness.
We’re considering extending this T-shirt, because we’re hearing from lots of folks that they want one, but can’t get it until the end of the week. Let us know in comments if you’re interested, and we’ll make a decision later tonight or tomorrow.
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Wil — I am always astonished by your willingness to make yourself so vulnerable by being open and being so honest.
It’s so courageous and strong of you, to do this at all, but especially even more so at even at your “weakest” moments.
Such strength leaves me in awe of you, and you should own just how strong you actually are, at these moments when the devil is whispering in your ear and the shadows are trying to overtake you…
Lately, I’ve adopted a phrase that helps me in our crazy new world and that can be applied to almost anything… it’s about the expectations that we constantly try to impose upon the actual chaotic reality that we live in:
“Stop Expecting The World To Make Sense”
Or, some form of this phrase — in all it’s iterations…
Life is not logical, or controllable… .it’s not ever going to be neat and tidy and all fall into place. Bad times will come. Sometimes we handle them well and other times, well, we all f*ck up.
When i start to feel upset by things that aren’t as they “should be” I try to remind myself:
“Stop Expecting The World To Make Sense”
We need to stop expecting the people we love to be someone else.
Stop expecting ourselves to be someone else.
Stop expecting ourselves to be perfect at everything — or even average.
(By definition, average means that on any given task or topic half the people are below average… maybe this is an area where we make up the lower part of the curve — ah, but what about those peaks!)
Stop expecting our best All of the time — no one can do that.
It helps me to accept what IS, and that, what IS, is actually okay. To be expected. Or at the very least to not feel the need to impose upon myself and life around me standards that are not even meet-able. Or in many cases, actually desirable.
Sending you good thoughts and thanks for all that you bring to the table for so many of us… a veritable feast of humor, kindness, honestly, and talents.
I feel as if I could’ve written this if I had any ability to write well. I don’t work because I take care of my adult children all day, I don’t have any talents, so I don’t have anything to contribute and so I really feel as if my life is passing me by.
I get that you’re scared Wil, but we’re here for you. Don’t feel pressured to create, we’ll be here if and when you put something else out. ❤
Sorry to hear this. Hang in there. You’re amazing.
The alternative to your roller coaster is the life many of us lead. We have mindless jobs that make us numb to our reality and we grasp at moments of joy in creativity, mindless entertainment (too often), conversations, etc. You have been successful in creating more dynamic ways of earning an income (for which many of us our jealous and others terrified) and as a result you suffer the cycles. Our numbness of routine helps to drown out the noise of depression but we still live for those moments of awe too. All this to say, accept that you are living a life of cycles, not steady joy and plan for your lows while you are having your highs.
In addition (since you this cold canuck is dishing out advice anyway, why not pile it on) I highly recommend conversations with people about subjects not related to your career or person. Go for coffee and debate whether Asimov was onto something with atomic power or whether the British should have kicked the French out of Canada when they had the chance (sorry, that one stirs up a good ole fight here and it fun to watch). My point, your brain needs stimulation and maybe that means just listening to some fool rant about how Elon Musk shouldn’t being smoking pot because he is damaging his genius or maybe its more elevated and it means talking about something more interesting. If you need a catalyst I can come down there and drag you out to coffee, but I need a little advance notice, there are no direct flights from Winnipeg. 😉
I hope your day on set was good. At the ripe old age of 46 I can say, having working in the TV biz years ago, that your role as talent on camera isn’t really an easy one but it certainly does get all the humanly juices flowing. Having worked behind the camera (except for the early days when I tried a short stint on camera and I discovered I didn’t like the idea of the public knowing who I was) I know that the work can really be stimulating and I hope it gives you inspiration for the days ahead.
End of rant. You take care of yourself now.
Dale
You are an incredible person, Wil. I grew up watching you (quite literally as I’m two years younger than you) and I have always been impressed by you. That admiration was increased when you came to Ottawa ComicCon and had the opportunity to hear you speak (both times) . You were crapped on by the industry and by the public and you came out of all that when it would have broken someone else. Imposter syndrome is understandable for anyone but so much worse when you have that little depression monster whispering in your ear (I have a similar monster whispering to me). Your fans are here for you. It may seem like you’re screaming into the darkness sometimes, but we’re here and we’re listening and we’re all offering what support we can across the interwebz.
Wil, you’ve always been so kind and welcoming when I’ve seen you on the cruise, even though I’m a rando. I’m sorry you’re having some bad days, but let me join the chorus of folks seeking to remind you that you’re awesome. I’m super glad the world contains you, and the things you make.
Take care of yourself.
Dear Wil,
I am so grateful for you being so outspoken about your illness. It’s high time that the Stigma is being lifted from anyone who battles Depression. That being said – hang in there, don’t give up.
I usually don’t run around the Internet and Hand out advice to random People. But – someone else here in the comments already mentioned it and I wanted to second that recommendation: Have you considered changing your diet? I don’t mean instantly from one day to the other, but gradually. I’m also suffering from Depression. There are good days and there are bad days. About a year ago, I’ve cut out all sugar and artificial sweeteners and lowered my carb intake significantly. Like the other Person here in the comments suggested, I’m hardly consuming Gluten anymore and I’m now following a Low Carb High Fat approach. What can I say – my mental Health has improved significantly. I’m not saying I’m completely free – but it got So. Much. Better. If you’re interested, watch the documentation “The Magic Pill” on Netflix.
In any case – you are not alone. Thank you for being so open.
You are worthwhile.
Wil,
There is not much to add to the wise words that have preceded this. I could recommend getting involved in charitable works, but you’re already doing that. Same for consulting a physician and leaning on the support of your family, friends, and co-workers. Just know that you are not alone.
I, for one (among many, it seems), appreciate you as a human being as well as a creative actor and writer. Your performance in the “Light Brigade” episode of the Outer Limits sticks in my mind, and the opening line of that episode stands out, as well…
“Warriors may be forged in the fires of battle but heroes are discovered in the most unlikely of places.”
We’re all warriors, Wil. You are the hero among us.
Best Wishes,
Mark
hey wil, have you tried doing that thing in finding forester where Jamal Walace has writers block so forester gives him one of his own articles to start typing and tells Jamal to just copy his work until Jamal feels his own words start coming? I am no writer and have no idea if that actually works but seems legit and would be more fun that staring at an empty page. just pick your fav author and start copying down a book of theirs you havent read yet until you feel your own words start to flow? worth a shot? i dont know.
sorry i am a guy and i try to fix stuff.
Loved the last comment… made me laugh out loud… great self insight, thanks!
I love your posts so very much. I understand as I’ve been (and actually, AM right now!) where you are. Thank you for being a voice for those struggling. You ARE talented and I love watching your acting as an adult. I loved young Wesley, but you have so so so so much more as a mature adult. So… just thank you. I look forward to your posts and they get read first when they pop into my in-box because i know I’m going to read something that reminds me that I’m not alone. That’s one of the worst feelings for us… the isolation even when we have and live with families who love us!! Keep rockin’, Wil. You’re an amazing guy.
you’re looking inward,
look outward,
help others
give of your self,
The now will take care of itself.
just my opinion, i’m probably off
I’ve been going through the exact same thing. I think it’s the pressure to create – anything – at all times. That pressure mainly comes from the Internet. From information overload. From the world’s self-created monster that is social media, with our newsfeeds constantly changing, with YouTube subscribers demanding more and more, comparing the competition, and now with everyone’s “merch” that’s nothing more than free ads for them that subscribers pay for the “privilege” of wearing on Ts… It’s just nuts, and it’s driving everyone nuts. It’s like no one’s really being given “permission” anymore (by anyone else) to just sit back, relax, enjoy some odd thing or other for the sake of having a quiet moment… And that’s not right. It’s unreasonable. It’s not even healthy, really. You’ve been through a lot in the last year, and your mind is taking a moment to catch up – to process. That’s very healthy and very ok! I’m glad you’re in tune with what you’re feeling, Wil, and not just what you think about things. Feelings are never bad or wrong – it’s how we act on them that matters. I’m glad that you’re looking for healthy, positive ways to deal with your feelings! And expressing them here online is very healthy. It’s very human. That’s a huge part of why we all love and care about you, that you do that here!
I’m glad you get to do more acting! Yay! Everyone gets to see you again! And you’re not a “fake” just for being decent, kind, and for allowing yourself to relax and have a good time with your friends. I’m sure some of them have read what you wrote here – they know – and they care and love you too. You’re going to be alright, Wil. You’ve got this.
You are a hero beyond imagination. Your frankness has helped me shed several layers of the dreads, that heavy sorrow as everyone in the world hates me all at once. Thank you!
Last winter was horrid, scary. I put effort into preventing that kind of depth of depression. And what do I end up with!? Doing more and feeling nearly the same. I expected if I physically engage myself in activities, then the depression is lighter. Instead, its there like rotten eggs that permeates the soul. A side effect is when then sun shines, my soul levitates. Strangest thing it is. I see why those day lamps help some folks.
I wish I could give you advice that will help you feel better. I think the best we can do is force ourselves to do silly safe things, quirky stuff like sit in a dry tub with our clothes on and sing show tunes or make up our own songs. Who knows, there may be a world portal in a dry tub that sucks depression into oblivion.
I have not commented on your thread before ….if that’s what it’s even called. I haven’t commented on anything. But that’s what it’s like for some of us who battle with Depression. We think our thoughts are worthless. You have created something whether you realize it or not but it’s there. I see it. And I’m probably not the only one.
Creating character(s) with Depression is hard to do. I’m not saying you are a character either. I’m saying there is a need for Depression to be represented in a way that is humanizing.( If that’s a thing). Your writing just may be key to expressing what it’s like for us.
Some people will never ( yes I know) understand or get how it feels to be depressed no matter how hard they try to be emphatic . Your talent here in this situation (feeling the blahs) gives us a voice to interpret and describe our world of struggle.
Use your creative powers to give hope. Some of us will not speak out or up about this because it’s so complex, stigmatizing, and hard to describe. But you did it. Keep doing it. Your writing motivated me to tell you that you are not alone. You are worth it. You had to fight to get here (before birth) fight to stay here.
Will – exhale! No don’t breathe in., exhale! Do you see that you can’t exhale (action) without inhaling (creation)? So in this society, we are taught that we are nothing unless we are PRODUCING! Reflection, contemplation, medication,, introspection is not approved of unless you can do it when you sleep. Think back, Until the industrial society, we had spring (planting) summer (growing) and fall (harvesting) then – – – winter, for sleeping, dreaming, telling stories.. guess what part we are culturally conditioned out of doing? Right – winters dreaming/rest time.. ten years ago, I convinced my Steve to take a vacation at Forest Houses Resort on Oak Creek, Az for 3 weeks at Christmas time.. No phones, tv, or internet In the beginning we slept for 2 weeks, got up to et the firewood, watch the stream, dream, and we had music on 12 hours a day. Classical, environmental, and towards the end, when our energy started to return, up lifting soft rock music. When we were awae, we would talk about of life, and relationships What worked, what didn’t, and what we wanted to do different in the next year. When we would go to Sedona or Flagstaff for more groceries that we wold cook in our kitchen, we would stop at Barnes and Noble for new books or Sedona for more new age books. Laptops were allowed because we both are creative on computer. (I am disabled, Steve is just a geek).
THREE weeks to start with There is a teaching about the seasons ,that each of us have and two season highs we have, For me, the lowest season, is the winter,, then summer – Steve is opposite-summer then winter, then for highs, fall and spring for me, and spring, then fall for Steve..
So what I am saying – if you care – ,. Is that you can continue to make yourself wrong,, as society has taught you to do, or realize that this is just your body demanding attention! Of course you further have to do your bit but developing the discipline to train your mind to “no negative thoughts” cause the mind can only think of one thing at a time . so you can chose to train it to think either “I am such a shit for not producing” Or I am tired, or I need to go within to listen to my Hero voices. Well I hope this helps someone on here!
You wrote. And shared. I read. Others read. You made connections. Your presence makes a difference. I appreciate you being present and putting your thoughts and experiences out “there” for us to be part of. I hope the act of sharing is helping you as much as it impacts us.
You bring me joy, whether I’m watching TV reruns, watching and laughing with your Table Top videos, or reading/laughing/crying along with the personal stories you share that remind me I’m not alone in my experiences, like being a stepparent. Thank you for being out there and connecting with us. Your friend, Kim
Wil,
I have been catching up on your blog and can especially relate to the crippling depression and anxiety. As it stands, I’m invited to a Super Bowl party today, and I’m coming up with every excuse not to go. And that’s what I have done for the last 15 years. I have lost most of my friends because I always canceled plans and was too afraid to answer the phone when they called. I have gone an embarrassing long time without showering because it’s too overwhelming. I do take medication and it helps somewhat, but nothing gets me completely out of my head so to speak.
I was a big fan of yours back in the 80s. You were my first crush. My sister and I used to watch Stand By Me over and over again. She fancied River, but I was drawn to you. Your eyes looked sad. Around ten years ago I discovered your blog and left a comment about the movie The Curse (or The Farm?). You replied to me and it was clear I had hit a sore spot. I felt like shit after that. I actually enjoyed The Curse when I first saw it 30 years ago. I bought a copy on a VHS tape. Now of course I can see why you hated that movie, and I apologize for bringing it up. I didn’t know it ruined your career back then. And for what it’s worth, you have accomplished more than I could ever dream of. I never knew how much alike we were. It helps knowing that someone I idolize deals with the same shit I do. But you’re still famous and all – if I disappeared only a handful of people would notice. Anyway, I’m forever your fan and again, I’m sorry for pissing you off ten years ago.
[email protected]
You could not possibly have known what a miserable, abusive, experience that film was for me and my sister, and I apologize if I was harsh or rude or annoyed with you. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that entire experience, from my parents making me do a movie I didn’t want to do, to how abusive the experience was on set, to how I have to live the rest of my life with that movie in my discography.
But it’s totally okay if you like it! There are TONS of B-movies that I love, which I’m sure were not great experiences for their casts.
So to tl;dr: you have nothing to apologize for, and I hope you’ll accept my apology.
Dear Wil.
Michael J. Fox is coming to the Calgary comic and entertainment Expo.
I’m very psyched.
Last year you recognized my Mr. Canoehead costume and took a photo of it and shared it on your instagram, very cool!
This year I’m going to Cosplay as Michael.
I’ve always admired him, but since being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease he’s mentioned “We’ve all got our sack of hammers we carry around with us.” This is a great message for people who are dealing with mental health issues.
We’re all scared, we’re all trying, and the best of us haven’t given up.
Anyway, it’s gonna be 40 below, not including wind chill here in Calgary, how’s LA’s weather?
Looking at your newer posts it looks like you are feeling better. At least externally. Hopefully the inner demons have settled down some. I’m currently on the downhill slide so hopefully it’s not a long one. I’m just happy when I see people helping to educate others on what we go through.
Damn skippy!
Dear internet friend who i have not met,
please don’t let your lack of production make you feel “less than”. Your openness, vulnerabilty, and ability to articulate what your depression feels like has helped me understand what my 12 yr old daughter might be feeling. Middle school is hard, 7th graders are not known for wanting to talk about FEELINGS, because, eww. But being able to offer a prompt after reading some if your blog (“do you think maybe this…?”) eases a path for conversation, even opened the door to agreeing to a counselor.
Yes, of course we ALL like your books, voice work, acting…but if none of that happened, you would still have immense value to so many, for voicing what most people are afraid to.
Much love and blessings to you,
A chef friend in the rural deep south who you have not met
Stop capitalizing the ‘d’ in depression, my friend. It doesn’t deserve the respect. And hang in there, my friend.
Went to Dr today due to being depressed and not wanting get out of bed for awhile now, nothings wrong my life is great, kids, grandchildren, a man who has faught this disease with me for over 30 years, but something wasn’t right. I’ve been on some of my meds for years and they never let me down, my kids would ask why you taking those pills mom, I’d say for depression, they’d tilt their heads like dogs do and say but your not depressed, and I’d laugh and tell them well the pills are working! Had a long discussion with Dr. about changing meds, weaning off this drug starting this one, stopping all benzos, since they weren’t working and thought of you when you said your scared, I feel ya, but like you I’m reaching out , told kids, hubby and plan on telling one or two confidants at work in case I fuck up, snap at someone or am just not myself, I’m lucky to work in the medical field so alot of people I work with aren’t judgy. Just saying thanks for your blog and feeling “hey I’m not the only one dealing with this shit.” Keep your fingers crossed on this whole med change, its scaring me, but at least I saw the signs and sought help, too many suffer and I’m glad you take.the time to write about depression and anxiety , it does help so much. Take care.
I’m just catching up on your archives after some time away. Something that helps me through times like this, and might work for you, is to do something that’s creative, but rote – I like knitting for this. You’re making something, and working in the physical world can help ground you a bit, but it doesn’t require such a heavy lift as “true” creative work like writing.
I hope this note finds you better than you were when you wrote this – you deserve nothing but the best, both for your seemingly-tireless efforts to make the world suck less, and also because you’re a human being, and no human being should have to feel this way.