It was … not the best night of sleep I’ve ever had. I got into bed around midnight, and almost immediately kept waking up, coughing and gasping for breath, as my sinuses poured phlegm and something that can best be compared to a non-Newtonian fluid down my throat while I slept.
Around 3, I got out of bed and walked out of the room, so I wouldn’t wake up Anne, and loudly cleared my throat. I unsuccessfully tried to blow my nose, drank some water to soothe my scratchy throat, and got back into bed. It felt like I’d been asleep for second when Anne woke me up.
“You’re snoring really bad,” she said, kindly, “can you do something about it?”
“I’ve been trying, but I’ll try again,” I said. I dragged myself out of bed and repeated the ritual. I got back into bed and fell back asleep.
“Dude, you’re still snoring,” Anne said, again, after what felt like seconds. Again.
“Do you think you could go into your office and sleep on the guest bed, so we can both sleep?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
I walked through the empty and dark house. I squinted at the clock on our microwave which I thought displayed a blurry 5am, or maybe 6am. I looked out the window and saw the suggestion of a sunrise, still far beneath the Eastern horizon.
I got into the very cold guest bed in my office, fell asleep, and actually stayed that way until about 10am.
Working (or not working, as the case has been for weeks and weeks of Depression) from home has its benefits.
I made a coffee and started some oatmeal. While they brewed and cooked, I walked over to my couch and snuggled my dogs.
When my coffee was ready (inverted Aeropress, for those keeping score) I filled my mug and sat down at my desk to do the 21st century version of reading the newspaper.
Jesus, the news is terrible. There’s the ongoing dumpster fire in DC, but we lost Luke Perry and Keith Flint, just a week after we lost Brody. We get it, universe. We are in the worst timeline. You’ve made your fucking point, already. I mean, you make your fucking point several times a day, but you’re really being a shit about it right now.
This timeline. I swear to god.
Since September, I’ve been in the worst depressive episode I have ever had in my life. There’s a difference between feeling depressed and having depression that is often so subtle, to someone who isn’t living inside of the host organism, it is a difference without distinction. But it’s real and it’s significant to me. Since September of last year, I’ve been overwhelmed by grief, loss, sadness, and sorrow. These stacked themselves up in a trenchcoat like Vincent Adultman and brought paralyzing depression (different from Depression) into my life. It’s been so overwhelming, I haven’t been able to relax and explore the creative part of my brain that produces stories, so I can write them down. When I’ve opened the door to what I think is the creative room in my mental house, so I can work on rewrites and revisions to the novel I expected would be with an editor by now, all I’ve been able to find is grief and sadness and loss and depression.
But thanks to literal months of therapy, working with a professional who is trained to get me through grief and loss, I have finally started to come out of the depression. I can finally think about my narrative character, Liam’s, story,about how I want to work on it for him (and my agent and eventual publisher). I can finally let my guard down without being overwhelmed by sadness. I feel like I can finally open a door into the 1983 I created, find it, instead of a giant room filled with unclaimed emotional baggage, and complete the story that lives there.
So I finished my coffee, closed the tabs on my browser, and opened the most recent copy of my manuscript.
Four … gosh, almost five … hours later, I still haven’t done anything except sneeze and cough, and curse the trees and flowers who are fucking in my neighborhood right now.
But I don’t feel worthless or useless or any of the hurtful, destructive self-image things that were imposed on me at such a young age, and so consistently reinforced throughout my adult life, they were like the air I breathe: invisible, always there, and fundamental to my existence.
You know that essay This is Water? I feel like I recently became aware of the water, and it forced me to reexamine my entire life, all 46 years of it. I’m healing. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s frustrating. But I’m doing it, one day at a time, and every little bit of progress is meaningful.
I want to get into Liam’s story and do the work that I know needs to be done, but my inner child, so hurt and abandoned by the people who should have cared for and protected him, needs the things he never got, and I’m doing my best to be the person I need in the world. I have to take care of him, because he is real, before I can take care of Liam, who is not. But their stories are intertwined in ways that I’m only partially aware of, even though I’m the author of one of them and the subject of the other. And that’s what makes working on both of them so hard, right now.
But, in an effort to be the person I need in the world, I will close with something I’ve been telling my kids since they were small: everything worth doing is hard. Don’t give up just because it’s hard, because it’s supposed to be hard.
This is hard. This is challenging. This is painful. This is water.
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“There’s a difference between feeling depressed and having depression that is often so subtle, to someone who isn’t living inside of the host organism, it is a difference without distinction. But it’s real and it’s significant to me.”
Yes, this. But only those inside can experience it.
You are loved, as you are. Thank you for being here. <3
I feel so connected and understood by you, Wil. Your sharing is perfect. I want to send to you love, support and positive energy😘
I have always appreciated how much you are willing to share with your readers, and the rawness of the content you share. It is genuine and it is real and it is most definitely appreciated. I am looking forward to reading your stories as they finally trickle out of you.
Much love to you sir – hang in there.
I’m sorry Wil, but I know how depression is. I’m struggling for the first time in years where my meds aren’t helping. I’m sure it’s worse because I’m getting an average of 5 hours of sleep at night, but getting more is hard with an infant. I know this stage will end and my sleep will return and my body will be my own again. But for now I’m trying to structure my days to function.as best as I can. It’s so hard when you feel that everyone just takes and drains you… I’m scared to talk to my doctor because she might change my meds (I know they aren’t working fully now) but finding this med was so hard and some made me so much worse.
I think owning how you feel is pretty damned important and you Mr. Will are incredible. Wish I could help you – but know with my own depression/anxiety it does best to come from you (as I am sure you already know). I can however – give a little suggestion about the allergies that works very well for me (I can’t tolerate Claritin, sudafed etc because they pass the blood/brain barrier and make me so anxious I could climb the walls screaming). But Stinging Nettle works as well as those products and does nit add to depression or anxiety – maybe give Stinging Nettle capsules a try – or Stinging Nettle tea? It works and it actually helps with anxiety also. Win win win…. keep up with the good work you are moving fwd. even if it is on an angle!
You are loved, but also you need a Neti pot. Rinse that gunk out of your face!
Way ahead of you. Neti pot twice a day, Alkalol once a day, Ponaris when I wake up and before bed.
Reading this post, I wondered if you’d gone for a sleep assessment to rule out sleep apnea? Couldn’t hurt to test that, because if it is – you could get better sleep, and that’s awesome! If it’s not, then you have the peace of mind knowing it’s ruled out.
As always, thank you for your sharing of your journey – it’s an encouragement to those of us on a similar road.
Thanks, I needed this reminder right at this moment
I’m sorry you’re sick with the nasty phlegm bug that is going around, but please know that you are loved, you matter, and things are so much better with you here.
Great title Wil. I really value the words of wisdom at the end. I am just embarking on a huge radio project with the bi-polar monkey on my back. It is hard and as time goes on I think it will get harder but it needs doing. As I’ve struggled lately my Mom kindly pointed met to you’re blog. Of course, I’ve been following you for years thanks to a good friend. But darn it all if it didn’t remind to read this blog entry and push me a bit today. Thanks for all you do. You truly are an inspiration
Thank you so much for your raw honesty, it has given me so much insight into my 14 year old son who is suffering from depression and anxiety. My sincerest appreciation for you and your writing, I know it is helping so many. Best wishes to you.
Thanks for sharing that. I always admire how you’re willing to write out how you’re feeling to a gazillion people. Me, sure, I might post to my fb, but this just seems categorically different. Which, I suppose, is the point: you’re reaching out to tell people: HEY THIS IS NORMAL, EVEN IF IT’S MESSED UP.
Hope your way out of this depressive episode comes quickly.
I’m glad your therapist is helping Wil, and as always I am in your corner. With the congestion and stuff, sleep sitting up as best you can. It really does help.
Wil, 3 words: Breathe Right Strips.
I have Horrible allergies and we won’t talk about the affects of years of acute bronchitis. These things work. They have kept me in better shape than if I had not used them. i.e.: No trips to the doctor for meds for the bronchitis, etc.
All that being said, sending you a huge hug. There seems to be a lot of people going thru similar situations. I look around at friends and family and wonder WTF? but
I offer the following as I shared with a friend. Post it on your mirror:
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
If you miss, start over.
Repeat.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, my friend. You are doing the best you can and, believe it or not, you have already had some success. You made it to this point.
Yeah.. it is hard. Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.. it’s all you can do some days.
I want to thank you for your radio station. I start feeling down and I turn on your station. The Beastie Boys and Dead Milkmen don’t allow me to wallow and I thank you for your choices, eclectic as they may be. I look forward to hopefully revisiting the 80s version. All of my Go-Gos releases are on cassette, and I really enjoyed listening to them again.
“Suggestion if a sunrise”. I love reading your blog. This and how open you are about everything are the reasons I come back every post.
*of
We love you, Will. We all love you. Take as much time as you need to care for Will – because you matter and you are worthy of the love and care. You are worthy of all the love and care and time. We love you.
I really wish I could talk to you sometimes. Powerful words thank you.
Thank you. Btw, Stand By Me is my favorite movie of all time
“Everything worth doing is hard. Don’t give up just because it’s hard, because it’s supposed to be hard.” The last time you were in KC at Planet Comicon, you said this at your Q&A and I think about it a lot.
The other day, I was thinking about how often I see actors, musicians, and other creative types say something online along the lines of “I made mistakes when I was young, but everything got me where I am today and I have no regrets.” And that’s great, it’s inspiring. But while I do love where I am in my life now, it’s not 100% what I want it to be, and yes, I have regrets–things I did that I wish I hadn’t and things I didn’t but wish I had. You’ve been pretty open about loving the life you have, being thankful for Anne, your sons, your friends, the good things you get to do professionally, while also talking about having regrets and about things you wish were happening now but aren’t. I really, really admire and appreciate that. There’s a vulnerability and authenticity there that takes strength and courage. Everything worth doing is hard, and it might not ever stop being hard, but it still needs to be done.
I hope you feel better, phlegm-wise, soon. Grief and depression take as much time as they require, but I’m always thinking good thoughts for you about those.
(Did Samwise Gamgee have a brother named Phlegmwise? Probably not.)
Ahhh… sneezing, coughing, general nastiness… that’s me every morning, thanks to chronic allergies. Ready for the punchline? I’m a voice guy!
Hang in there, Wil.
Getting lost in our favorite kind of work is excellent medicine.
I’m sorry to hear you are phlegming. I’m glad to hear that as as crappy as you feel you don’t have the same destructive thoughts. That is a victory!
You can do this, Wil. You are creative and intelligent and literate. I’m really looking forward to reading Liam’s story, as only you can tell it.
As always thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this blog. I hope our comments help you to feel supported and help us to be the people you need in the world .
Long-time blog reader, first-time commenter.
I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re still here. Thank you for existing and for doing your part to inject kindness, humor, and humanity into the world. You’ll always be on my hypothetical dinner party guest list.
I loathe the news, and stopped watching over a year ago. Every segment downgraded me to a lower funk.
Also, the news has become that annoying “compact disc” noise. As in…..the noise the cd made when it got stuck! Do you recall how unbelievably annoying that sound was, especially on high volume? ( Lol, I’m laughing just thinking about those damn CD’s. They caused me so much stress. 😂 ) Anyway, That’s what the news is to me now.
In an effort to be somewhat in touch with current events, I tune to shows like “The Daily Show,” or John Oliver. I realize the masses will typically chide over these types of news mediums, but I need comic relief each and every day. So, surround yourself with as much laughter as you possibly can (or get away with). 😁
Here’s to better days.
You probably don’t get the time to read all of these. I am sorry you’ve been struck by the crud that’s hitting the Eastern seaboard about now. My ICU has several nurses out with it and we keep admitting more and more flu and upper respiratory infections. Don’t let it get too bad until you see someone. Now isn’t the time to tough it out. Depression makes being sick even harder to get through, not just of your mental state, but your immune system is not working as well as it should either.
That aside, I am happy to hear you are working through your character’s issues at the same time as your child self’s. It is so hard to face the sadness, anger, and grief every day. I get triggered by some of my patients, their helplessness, sadness. It reminds me of my childhood and I know at the same time I need to care for these patients, sometimes causing them trauma in trying to heal them. It sucks. I feel awful when I do it, believing I am causing them suffering and remembering that I suffered before. So now, I am angry.
I am angry at myself for causing this suffering and angry/sad as my child self for allowing this to continue. I am also working with a grief and trauma counselor to help me reframe and process memories that are impacting me in my current life.
We have both come so far and we see there is so much farther to go.
Thanks for hanging in there and sharing with us that we are not alone.
Wil, As always, thanks for sharing. I never comment but just read your posts. In fact, I always look forward to your entries. When it goes quiet, I started to miss your writing style and thought processes. I wish you well and look forward to seeing your creativity continue to infuse this world. Kind regards, Mike
Thank you for sharing This Is Water. I’ve never heard it before and it’s truly made me look at my own thought processes.
I hope you continue to find your way out of the mire. You are ever an inspiration.
Thank you.
As always, thank you for sharing. Please know that you matter and that out here in the verse are those of us who are strong supporters of Team Wheaton. Through your posts, pod casts, and talks I’ve probably learned more about depression and how to better connect to my patients with it than anything taught in medical school or residency.
P.S. If you need a break from the pollen come hang out with us here in the northern mid-west. I can assure you we will be pollen free for at least the next 30 days.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. More people can relate then you might think. Depression takes the best people. I hope you feel better soon.
Sorry for what you’re going through with the depression, Wil. I didn’t think I would survive 2018, having been my worst depression in my 61 years, stemming from a grueling, over-budget filmmaking process that I started in late ’17. Depression’s hell, as you well know, and even though we can sympathize with one another, we can’t really relieve one another’s difficulties. I can only offer the scant solace that I know what you’re going through. I lament that I never got to make that film I wrote for you, the one that Chris liked (Senseless Confidential), but maybe a depressed director with a depressed lead actor wouldn’t have been the best combination anyway. Haha. I wish you the best in your writing and acting pursuits, as well as the ongoing battle against the beast. -Marty
Understand totally. Been suffering from depression past 3 months now. Really sucks. Still trying to look for a therapist that can work with me and be helpful. Glad you are healing. You are important to me, since I was 12.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am so sorry that you have the hurt and pain from childhood to process. You are not alone and I am sorry that means there are a group of us fighting the same crappy stuff. I am glad you have a wonderful life partner. I enjoy reading your posts and the glimpses you offer into your life. Keep up the good fight. Keep clawing through those trenches. Thank you.
As a sometime writer Will, my advice would be: forget Liam for a while. He’ll be there when you need him.
Forget writing for an audience. Just write something for yourself, that will be seen only by you. Burn it afterwards if you want to, but write it and get it out of the way.
I think a good writer needs strong, deep emotions. To a certain extent, he does well to know depression.
Medicine and therapists are of course a good way to help, but they sometimes take a long time to really help.
Do you know “wingwave®”? A friend of mine suffered from unfathomable depression for a long time and chose this path. Since then she has been healthy.
Dear Wil, I wish you all the best and never give up – or as it says so nicely in “Galaxy Quest” – “Never give up, never surrender”.
I think you have many good souls here who wish you only the best.
It’ll be okay… (and flonase ftw, two per hole.)
To get you started again, think of something Liam did today that scared him. Did he talk to a girl? Did he confront someone in line at ther bank who jumped in front of him?
You’re pretty darn strong, Wil. Sending good healing vibes your way and hope your virus definitions stay updated for a long while. Grateful for your words on depression. I remember coming out of a very difficult time and realising that after a long time, I was finally feeling safer. “I’m still in the dark but the view here is lovely,” I wrote. I’m wishing those happier and safer parts of your world will show up again to stay for you too.
I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. I’m also pleased to hear that things are improving. I’ve been in a similar situation and having supportive friends and family and professional help makes all the difference in the world. Keep on struggling toward the light. There are tremendous numbers of people who only know you through the interwebz, who care and support you.
Thank you for sharing your raw emotions with us here. It makes this adult suffering from anxiety and depression feel like he is not alone. The only thing I have found that is worse than my depression is watching my adult son go through his own battle. But your words bring comfort to my own dark period and for this I cannot thank you enough.
That is pretty much my motto, although my version is “It’s supposed to hurt.” (Warning, running discussion incoming.) I even got it printed on the back of the custom shirt my ultra running team had made when we had our first meetup, organized through, of all places, Reddit.
“It’s supposed to hurt” doesn’t really apply as well to real life as “It’s supposed to be hard” applies to running. They mean pretty much the same thing with running (although acute pain should be addressed, talk to your doctor, kids). But life isn’t supposed to hurt, at least not all the time. Maybe it should hurt sometimes. I don’t know.
But Wil, you’ve taught me a lot about the hurt (and everything else) that comes with living with depression. It’s something I have zero personal experience with, which I’m grateful for, but I have friends who deal with it, as well as anxiety and other issues. You’ve helped me become a better friend to them.
I didn’t mention it my comment on your last post, but this is the only blog I read. I actually check it every day for a new post. There’s probably some technology thing that would email me when you make a new post, but it’s just part of my daily routine, so it’s not difficult.
One more thing.
Phrasing!
Hi Will, I live with someone who has a very similar depression to you, so I empathize strongly. You’re surrounded by a good family.
Thank you for making the “Roll Model” shirts. I just got mine in the mail, and I have a D&D night coming up and am excited to wear it.
What’s your favorite aeropress recipe, or do you wing it? (I nerd out with that thing, using a scale and burr grinder.) A nerd in all things, I am.
Cheers and peace to you,
Adam
I use 19g of beans which I grind at 13 on my burr grinder. Then I do the inverted thing, so I dump the grounds into the barrel, cover them with water that’s about 180 degrees (we have an instant-hot tap), and give it a stir. I let it sit for about 20 or 30 seconds, then I fill the chamber and give it 10 stirs (because I once read that’s the number to use. I don’t think it’s that important). I wait about a minute, then I flip it over and press it into my cup for about 20 or 30 seconds. Sometimes, I’ll put a splash of water into the mug to bring it up to the top, if I’m feeling like it, but I usually don’t.
Thanks!
You are loved. You are worthy. You are creative, a creator – even when you are not actively creating something at this moment. It is a part of you just as much as muscle and sinew and bone.
And sing. Out of key, in key, doesn’t matter. We will sing with you.
Hang in there Wil! One day at a time and tomorrow might be better. Looking forward to reading that book when you’re done with it. Every time you put up a new blog post and I get an email about it my day gets better. Thanks for giving us something to look forward to! Hope your week gets better for you and you find some more inspiration in your every day.
Trust me you will make it. I’m on my 5th month of therapy on dealing with major depression. You have family to assist you, I am dealing with this alone, but I am progressing slowly. I’m finally starting to move around (not sleeping for 14-16 hours a day) and looking for work. So I guess I’m saying as my therapist says …. Take it one day at a time, you may fall back, but you are improving, and you will make it.
“And I’ll try not to sing out of key.” Please always remember the other line: “I get by with a little help from my friends.” I am your friend, one you have never heard of, Will. When I see you on Big Bang, I have such a smile on my face. “Hi, Will Wheaton, I’ve missed you! I think to myself.” A life-long battle with depression (74 years now) makes me know how absolutely true your description of your own battle is. You help us all with your willingness and ability to describe the impossible to others. To validate the rest of us. Thank you, my friend. With a little help set aside for you in my heart today.
This timeline fucking sucks. All the Heinlein I’ve read (plus others who don’t immediately jump to mind) has caused this thought to occur to me so many times in my life: which pivotal points in my life tilted into wildly different timelines? I can pinpoint a significant handful, and that’s just in my own life, not the life of our country or planet.
As remote as we all are, as much trolling and terrible crap comes at you through the Interwebs, I do hope the positive energy created by your readership here comes through to you. We consider ourselves your friend – it doesn’t have to be a two-way street. You can not know me, I don’t mind. I’m really glad you’ve been getting the help you need, and that you have the safe space to do the hard work each day.
I hope the phlegm clears up soon. I’m glad to hear from you again.
Hi Wil,
I really liked your character, Wesley, in Star Trek Next Gen. Have been following your blog for a few months. Appreciate your candid remarks about having a biochemical imbalance (mental illness). Rx, therapy, & support (myself, family, friends) helps me. Having depression, attention deficit, manic episodes with delusional thinking, and psychotic episode (is worst case.) My comment is this: these resources have been critical to my well-being. In mid January, I became seriously delusional. I was certain that ‘reality’, was like the Matrix movie.
Everything I experience is manufactured by outside forces. Nothing I experience is real. There is a greater spiritual reality- Good vs. Evil, powers beyond our grasp,
So, to my resources:
NAMI Connection Group
NAMI Day Program
NAMI Closet
Therapist
Psychiatrist
Leafy greens
Organic- when affordable
Water – I drink 2 mugs with each trip to the bathroom
Eat whatever I feel like- (no eating Nazi’s)
Drop activities I don’t care about, or bring undue distress/anger
Sleep
Buy a robot vacuum /Deenkee
Attend to my 13 yr old son- a huge thing which deserves its own universe
Consciously live in my skin
Provide for myself (not deprive or say I’m not good enough for)
Wil, keep hope alive and let yourself brainstorm ideas to help you sleep. Throw away the toxic ideas. Select/Try out a doable idea, Activate more resources.
Barb L
I’ve got a cold that kicked in yesterday. Coughing, irritated throat from the phlegm I’m trying to cough up from my lungs. Ugh. At least I can still breathe through my nose! I feel for you, Wil. I hope you feel better soon.
hugs because sometimes that’s all a friend can do, hugs and hopes things brighten even more soon
Thank you for sharing Wil. You’ll never know how your sharing helps us all know we are not alone….and please know we are with you too.