It was … not the best night of sleep I’ve ever had. I got into bed around midnight, and almost immediately kept waking up, coughing and gasping for breath, as my sinuses poured phlegm and something that can best be compared to a non-Newtonian fluid down my throat while I slept.
Around 3, I got out of bed and walked out of the room, so I wouldn’t wake up Anne, and loudly cleared my throat. I unsuccessfully tried to blow my nose, drank some water to soothe my scratchy throat, and got back into bed. It felt like I’d been asleep for second when Anne woke me up.
“You’re snoring really bad,” she said, kindly, “can you do something about it?”
“I’ve been trying, but I’ll try again,” I said. I dragged myself out of bed and repeated the ritual. I got back into bed and fell back asleep.
“Dude, you’re still snoring,” Anne said, again, after what felt like seconds. Again.
“Do you think you could go into your office and sleep on the guest bed, so we can both sleep?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
I walked through the empty and dark house. I squinted at the clock on our microwave which I thought displayed a blurry 5am, or maybe 6am. I looked out the window and saw the suggestion of a sunrise, still far beneath the Eastern horizon.
I got into the very cold guest bed in my office, fell asleep, and actually stayed that way until about 10am.
Working (or not working, as the case has been for weeks and weeks of Depression) from home has its benefits.
I made a coffee and started some oatmeal. While they brewed and cooked, I walked over to my couch and snuggled my dogs.
When my coffee was ready (inverted Aeropress, for those keeping score) I filled my mug and sat down at my desk to do the 21st century version of reading the newspaper.
Jesus, the news is terrible. There’s the ongoing dumpster fire in DC, but we lost Luke Perry and Keith Flint, just a week after we lost Brody. We get it, universe. We are in the worst timeline. You’ve made your fucking point, already. I mean, you make your fucking point several times a day, but you’re really being a shit about it right now.
This timeline. I swear to god.
Since September, I’ve been in the worst depressive episode I have ever had in my life. There’s a difference between feeling depressed and having depression that is often so subtle, to someone who isn’t living inside of the host organism, it is a difference without distinction. But it’s real and it’s significant to me. Since September of last year, I’ve been overwhelmed by grief, loss, sadness, and sorrow. These stacked themselves up in a trenchcoat like Vincent Adultman and brought paralyzing depression (different from Depression) into my life. It’s been so overwhelming, I haven’t been able to relax and explore the creative part of my brain that produces stories, so I can write them down. When I’ve opened the door to what I think is the creative room in my mental house, so I can work on rewrites and revisions to the novel I expected would be with an editor by now, all I’ve been able to find is grief and sadness and loss and depression.
But thanks to literal months of therapy, working with a professional who is trained to get me through grief and loss, I have finally started to come out of the depression. I can finally think about my narrative character, Liam’s, story,about how I want to work on it for him (and my agent and eventual publisher). I can finally let my guard down without being overwhelmed by sadness. I feel like I can finally open a door into the 1983 I created, find it, instead of a giant room filled with unclaimed emotional baggage, and complete the story that lives there.
So I finished my coffee, closed the tabs on my browser, and opened the most recent copy of my manuscript.
Four … gosh, almost five … hours later, I still haven’t done anything except sneeze and cough, and curse the trees and flowers who are fucking in my neighborhood right now.
But I don’t feel worthless or useless or any of the hurtful, destructive self-image things that were imposed on me at such a young age, and so consistently reinforced throughout my adult life, they were like the air I breathe: invisible, always there, and fundamental to my existence.
You know that essay This is Water? I feel like I recently became aware of the water, and it forced me to reexamine my entire life, all 46 years of it. I’m healing. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s frustrating. But I’m doing it, one day at a time, and every little bit of progress is meaningful.
I want to get into Liam’s story and do the work that I know needs to be done, but my inner child, so hurt and abandoned by the people who should have cared for and protected him, needs the things he never got, and I’m doing my best to be the person I need in the world. I have to take care of him, because he is real, before I can take care of Liam, who is not. But their stories are intertwined in ways that I’m only partially aware of, even though I’m the author of one of them and the subject of the other. And that’s what makes working on both of them so hard, right now.
But, in an effort to be the person I need in the world, I will close with something I’ve been telling my kids since they were small: everything worth doing is hard. Don’t give up just because it’s hard, because it’s supposed to be hard.
This is hard. This is challenging. This is painful. This is water.
I’m fighting the urge to offer probably useless advice and am just going to say– I care about you. I hope things get easier. You’re doing valuable work and it matters. Keep taking care of yourself, ok?
Deborah:
Oh yes, this, entirely. This is what I planned to write, almost verbatim.
Wil:
Virtual hugs and support and my best ignorant grasp at understanding.
We’ll be patient, and we’ll be here. Do whatever you need to do to take care of you, please?
Depression is truly shit. I spent three months at the end of last year battling grief and depression all intermingled. I feel your pain and wish I could help. It’s a big thing sharing it so publicly so thank you for that! xx
Thank you for putting into words what so many of us struggle with. I hear you, and appreciate where you are.
justo ahora estoy atravesando una enfermedad que me tiene en cama hace mas de un mes, y creo que estoy saliendo ya. Y me encuentro con tu escrito, dios te bendiga Will, desde el otro lado del mundo tus palabras me hicieron muy bien al alma
As some who has depression as well (which I have started talking about more with friends and family) I want to share with you some things I tell myself when it gets tough.
“You’re stronger than you think you are.”
and
“Nothing worth doing is ever easy.”
I never had nice things to say about myself, even to myself. I wouldn’t let other people get away with talking to me poorly, but I’d never stop myself from doing it. I still catch myself… it’s a tricky thing. I think we can all do with reminders to not only be kind to others, but to ourselves too.
Thanks for being to open and honest, and I hope you’re able to feel better swiftly so you can get back to enjoying what you love.
It’s hard enough to be on a emotional rollercoaster but to add allergies to the mix Dear Will I feel for you . Your doctor I’m sure can advise you best on expectorant and antihistamines but if you haven’t tried a air filter especially in your bed room it can help so much . Or elevate the head of your bed a inch or two. I hope you find restful sleep for you both😴😴
On a side note The guild is so fun to watch 💖 love finding you on all these great shows. You have great taste in picking a variety of carectors you portray.
Wishing you all the best and remember you are dearly loved and respected by sooooooo many .
Hugs!
looks outside at several feet of snow I don’t think your allergies would be a problem up my way, Wil. I love winter but wow has it dumped on us this year. Makes for great skiing for those who do, from what I hear.
Nothing but love for you, Wil. This sounds all too familiar. And yes, if it’s worth doing, it will be hard. That’s how you know it’s worth the precious moments of your life.
“my inner child, so hurt and abandoned by the people who should have cared for and protected him, needs the things he never got, and I’m doing my best to be the person I need in the world.”
Thanks for putting that out to the universe, that’s exactly how I feel but never would’ve allowed the thought to take hold in my mind had I not read it (I know that sounds strange, I can’t explain it any better). So much of what I’m slogging through is deeply rooted and I’ve been trying to convince myself for far too long that I’m ok.
Thanks for putting your struggle out there, Wil, you’ve opened my eyes and given me courage to confront my own shitstorm.
💖
Wil, I did not know until age 49 that I had spent most of my life suffering from various forms of depression, alone and in combinations, beginning with a couple of major traumas induced at age 12, and in all likelihood an earlier event that laid the ground for those traumas. Because I did not have a true baseline for “normal” non-depressed life, I thought at age 32 that I had come out of a lifetime of depression, but it wasn’t until age 49 that I had my first glimpse of a truly normal non-depressed mode of existence.
Because of depression, I made some severely constraining life choices in my twenties and thirties. Because those choices were made in depression and tied to the depression, I didn’t fully escape my depression until I completely changed my career and abandoned quite a few toxic relationships I had chosen that in fact fueled my depression. From age 49 until around age 54, I changed jobs, divorced, moved across the country, and changed my name (to help avoid a stalker from my old life). It took a few years, but I have come out on the other side as an infinitely happier person, even though my income has dropped by about half and I used up my retirement savings prematurely to help with some transitions.
Nobody reading this blog can know your precise issues, Wil, but I urge you to be ruthless in your self-examination. Maybe for your health you need a radical reassessment of your career and your relationships. Maybe imagine Anne working at a resort in the Caribbean while you supported the resort’s IT infrastructure. Or imagine unknown sci-fi writer [insert RWW pseudonym here] breaking through on the strength of his writing, unencumbered by his former fame. Or imagine yourself teaching middle school, helping kids learn math or science and helping them power through teenage neuroses.
Or, when Alex Trebek retires in a year or two, get yourself the Jeopardy hosting gig and coast through the rest of your life on an easy money stream that lets you pursue your other interests without difficulty
My point, Wil, is that you are surrounded here by people who very rightly value you for the work you have done in the entertainment industry, and that’s wonderful… but if your mental health requires some distance from that I hope you will find the courage to make whatever radical shifts you need to make in order to live YOUR best life. You have already done a LOT for fans and viewers; now is the time to think about YOU and your loved ones. Good luck with it all!
💗
Wil Wheaton as the host of Jeopardy would definitely increase the level of awesome in the universe. Just sayin’.
My brother committed suicide a few years ago with which I’m still struggling to deal (Yes, I know, “What a Fucked up thing to start off!”). The depression is heavy and I find myself sinking into it, almost like a comfort blanket, something familiar and all-encompassing. It’s a very difficult blanket to not grab when things turn to crap. I pray you can let go of it, permanently. I don’t know you, but I imagine you are a good person, deserving of the peace and happiness I hope you can find within yourself. Therapy never helped me, but thank goodness it helps someone!
Don’t you hate when you post something thinking, “Yeah, this should help. Might show them that it can be ok.”, then look back at it on a different day and think, “Awe, crap. That’s not gonna help anyone, unless the discussion is on depression, then yeah, that could definitely depress someone further!”. Delete! Delete! Ok, I obviously do not know how to delete here, so I’ll just apologize and hope that the sincerity of the altruistic desire was intended, if not implied. I have to believe the hole of despair is escapable. (Even if Swype says that’s not a real word.) It seems as though you may have found a foothold, I do hope.
I wish I could say something profound that would help; would encourage you and sustain you. Just know that your sharing what you are dealing with helps so many others. “Wil Wheaton is having a tough time, just like me” is being said to whatever screen someone in Indiana or Houston or Quebec or a thousand other places is looking at.
Thinking only positive things for you and yours in this corner of cold, snowy Connecticut. Take care of yourself. Hope to be reading you soon!
Hey Wil, here’s something about water that helps me when I have a cold and can’t breathe. Get a saucepan and fill it 1/2 full of water. Boil it. Take it off the stove and put in in the sink so you don’t burn yourself. Throw a bath towel over your head and turn your head like you are listening to the water to open your nose and ear. Stay there for 5 minutes breathing the steam and blowing your nose. Do the same on the other side of your head. Nex time, start this procedure at the first sign of a stuffy head. Hope it works for you!
Sucks so bad being sick on top of it all. Will…
We both know there is not much anyone can that will push through the heavy drapes of depression, but I’ll just put it out there anyway. Even in the thick fog wrapped around your brain (and glad to hear it’s lifting), your words still birth a world to escape to. Ditto on this eff’n timeline… just trying to keep myself busy until Jesus comes back in his starship with his angels. 😉
“Do you think you could go into your office and sleep on the guest bed, so we can both sleep?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
I teared up a little. True love….
Wil, thank you for sharing your mental health struggles with us. You’re very brave for doing so, and I and several others look up to you for it (as you can see from these comments).
I deal with similar issues of Depression (and her twin sister Anxiety likes to visit me too) along with seasonal allergies with symptoms not too dissimilar to those you describe. They really SUCK!
It also feels to me like we’re living in the darkest timeline, as you describe. There are times where I actually feel like I live inside the novel 1984.
Your wife is so nice at that hour in that circumstance. Mine just kicks me and fists my face.
THANK YOU for sharing, Wil. Know that you’re not alone too.
Thank you for sharing the highs and the lows with us. We got your back! With all the nasty news floating about, I love to stop at Cutetropolis.com for a dose of cute. Try it.
I always look at the times when things seem really hard for me (and I’ll be honest, I’ve not had many) that the feeling of something being ‘hard’ and making me want to cry was a sign that I was making a mental shift inside my head. Learning something new requires rewiring of the brain and it can feel uncomfortable. Keep on keeping on, please.
For breathing and sleeping, I occasionally have the difficulty you describe. Middle age sinuses + pollen/pollution = Uggh.
FWIW: Here are some things I’ve discovered which help a bunch.
1.) Get new pillows that are hypoallergenic and soft but have some good structure – get a few of them – two at least – and prop yourself up on them so your head and shoulders are gently inclined so your sinuses will drain. It doesn’t take much incline to get results. The best pillows I’ve found are Medium+ density triple-chambered premium hotel pillows. They cost a bit, but they’re a modern hypoallergenic polyfiber over a firm inner feather chamber. I like Chamberloft by Standard Textile, but there are others. Get nice 300 count pillow covers and stuff them in – this adds structure without making them too firm. The goal is to relax into a nice small “hill” of pillows so your airways stay inclined but you don’t feel like you’re on hard lumpy pillows. You’re just cuddled into a big pile of fluff that has just enough structure to support you. https://sheetmarket.com/where-to-find-the-chamberloft-pillows-from-standard-textile
2.) Aromatherapy. I know. I know. Hipsters & Crystals & Unicorns, Oh My! … But this works for me on nights that are tough but not too severe. Osage Rub is a menthol aftershave/tonic. The scent isn’t strong, so it won’t bother your wife, but it’ll help you breath and make you feel cool, which is great on hot nights. Pinaud Clubman has a very comforting powdery scent. It’s the only Pinaud I can stand, but it’s good for aromatherapy IMHO. Rub it on your face, hands & arms so you smell it as you sleep. Gabel’s bay rum is a big blast of cloves that has a nose-clearing sort of effect – and Truefit & Hill’s Lime balm is also very fresh. Sometimes I use the lime & Bay Rum together. Some scents are comforting and open your nose. Experiment and you’ll find some that will help you when you’re a bit congested but not completely slammed shut.
3.) Afrin. I’m very very Fracking careful about Afrin. It is the nuclear option. But on particularly bad nights, I put it in one nosehole and never in both. If I have a bad stretch I can go up to 5 or 6 days by alternating left and right nasal passage. Get the Afrin that comes in the inhaler bottle – not the squeeze bottle so you keep your dosage consistent and low. Do one pump only. Never overdo Afrin or you’ll get rebound congestion which is horrible. If a bad spell goes over five days, prop yourself up well and nut it out. You don’t want to get an Afrin rebound.
4.) If you have a long bad-spell and you need to stop using Afrin, Benadryl an hour before bed will help and if it’s really tough, ask your doctor about a short stint of an anti-inflamatory like prednisone or similar. Prednisone is amazing, but not something to take without a consult. I’ve never found any of the type 1 or type 2 nasal corticosteroids to be effective for me, but they might work for you. If so, start with a type-2 like Fluticasone as a type-2 is less likely to spread from your nose into your bloodstream – though really – if you’re on a lot of meds it might be worth checking for drug interactions before trying any steroids of any kind.
Good luck. & Good Sleep.
I hope you feel how many of us would like to stand by your side and help. All the best.
💖
I have been struggling lately as well and feeling very alone in that struggle. I came here today specifically hoping to find something you shared. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. I don’t know the specifics of why you do it, but your sharing diminishes the Alone feeling. And that really helps.
I also just saw the 5 Things trick you mentioned in the AMA comments on the previous post. Thanks!!! I am going to try that.
It’s too bad that the only way we can really help each other is to share tiny points of light in the darkness that lead us forward. Thank you for sharing yours.
Especially in light of the recent passing of Luke Perry (my age), I find myself at an odd crossroads. I’ve been in a pretty dark place for the last 8 months or so, with my own mortality taking up a lot of my thoughts. Last month I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, and I was put on a drug to reduce my heart rate and pressures and hopefully prevent a stroke or heart attack. Another reminder that I’m getting old any my body betrays me. But after about a week on beta blockers, I had a pretty sudden realization that my general anxiety is gone. That little voice that is always in the background: “Here’s what’s going to go wrong today – X, Y, Z, oh, and those other things you don’t know about yet. How about you get the ‘ol brain in overdrive RIGHT NOW trying to figure out how to not let those things happen, and what to do about it when they inevitably do – because, of course – you suck!”
That voice is silent. That fight or flight reflex that is always virtually looking over my shoulder for the predator has relaxed. It’s unfamiliar. It’s alien. I can tell that it’s better, but it’s so different I’m still not sure how to process it. I don’t know how long it’s been since my heart wasn’t pounding, my palms sweating, the constant need to react to something RIGHT NOW. My other meds helped take the edge off and not let my depression get bad enough that I can’t function, but it has always been there.
I’m not suggesting that I’ve found a miracle cure, but I seem to have found something that works for me. Keep trying. It’s supposed to be hard.
💖
I get it Wil,At least I think I do. Depression is a sneaky bastard,It has taken alot of my own life away..but It Will Not beat me..Best wishes from Iowa.
Will, I hope your lungs and throat are better now and you and Anne are getting more sleep.
I just wanted to do a bit of fan gushing and say thank you for everything you’ve done. I’m an 80s kid so you were always there in my childhood, the older cool kid I always saw in movies and on TV.
I literally just finished listening to your audiobook reading of Ready Player One. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to you!! So much so, I was compelled to tell you! I can’t wait to listen to you read Armada next.
I’m sorry to hear things have been tough for you for the last few months. It’s good to hear you have support and people who care about you around. There are many people that care about you.
I’m looking forward to hearing Liam’s story when you’re ready to tell it.
Wil, you were the only person I followed on This Is My Jam for two years. I still miss you and put your jams on a playlist on Spotify. I’m a old lady. All I know about you is your music choices. They gave me confidence in a world that was scary. I forget the thread of how I discovered your absence from Twitter and looked for you at this link. I don’t even know why it mattered after all these years. We have never exchanged a word. No one ever tells people these things. After 17 years of therapy and medication and reading your blog I believe I intuited the spirit that must have always leapt out of your jams. I always thought you were very private, but staying connected and that bravery made me brave.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re not doing too well emotionally.
Someone told me about Portal Days. Sounds really like a far fetched Mayan Calendar thing. But when I compared the worst days of my depression with the Portal Day Calendar, I really could not believe it..
Give it a try, especially as you are into cosmic space 😉
Just keep swimming, Wil. Just keep swimming. And thanks. I’m going through something right now that is hard. Really, really hard. I don’t know if I’ll manage to do it. But anything worth doing is hard indeed. Thanks.
Related:
You know, at first, I didn’t like Kylo Ren. But then: “I know what I have to do. I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”
As long as we’re not talking patricide (no, Kylo, your actions are your own fault, k?), I think that’s an extremely powerful line of dialogue. Reaching for help is the scariest thing we can do. I’ve got a few found family on my side. I’ll be okay. It’ll be hard. But I’ll be okay. I’ll have to steal from Kylo again and let go of the past, but I’ll be okay, I think. Anyway… thanks. Hang in there.
I’m glad things are starting to improve for you! Have you tried using an antihistamine nasal-spray while treating your cold/flu symptoms? After my Dr. prescribed that for me, for year-round use, I stopped getting colds. I used to get somewhere between three and five colds per year. The cold I had at the time went away within about 3 days after I first filled the prescription and started using it. When nasal tissues are inflamed from allergies, bacteria and virus’ have nowhere to go, so they sit and fester, attaching themselves to the matching receptors in the nasal tissues, and that’s when the body over-reacts in an effort to rid itself of them. Problem is, they still can’t go anywhere, due to the nasal tissues being inflamed from the allergies. Anyway, it worked extremely well for me. Just thought I’d pass it on. I hope your cold or flu goes away soon!
It is hard, yes. It is also love. I read your blog, not because it’s always enjoyable, but because I so often see myself and sometimes that just hurts. That’s okay and is meant to be 🙂 I can’t begin to tell you how much it means that there is someone else that does more than pay lip service to ‘Gets it”. I wish you healing, Wil. More importantly, I wish you love.
Hey Wil, I am a Counselor probably a thousand miles away from you. Depression is a beast… I have multiple clients who suffer the same way that you do, you are not alone. Do not give up, keep pushing forward. There are always people available to talk to if you need it
Rocket launches with puppeteer Astronomers.
Playing video games in an arcade next to the bar.
Rain and music, more rain, more music, more rain and a miracle.
Echoes that are dogs,
people who don’t care you are a star… and like you for who you are.
That’s a pretty damned excellent vacation,
glad to have shared it with you.
The little demon inside you LIES,
whispers things to hurt and twist your reality.
… then the morning comes, and
You’re still you, and that’s a kick-ass thing.
See you next year!
So, I have been a fan since your Star Trek days. I’ve followed you here (and in its numerous previous incarnations). Loved you in Book of Days and Deep Core (Till they killed you) and Eureka… Then life happened and I guess I lost track. In all that time I never posted here.
So why now? Well, just watched the Trek episode “First Duty” and was reminded what an absolutely spectacular actor you were for someone so young and decided to see what you were up to – and found this.
I will confess I didn’t read the older posts to see what you’re grieving. I’m sure it will come up again and I’ll learn then. And yea I know from past writings how hurt you were post Trek. BUT –
This timeline you curse, is in fact yours to write. And you, if nothing else, are a really strong individual. Through it all, you have never given up. It’s always been you vs the Universe and I for one am a firm believer that one day, you’re gonna put the accursed thing in its place, lol.
I also understand your frustration with your novel… Been there doing that. And if it makes you feel any better, I started mine when they were calling you Wesley, and though I “thought” it was done several times over the years, it never felt quite done and now its become a much larger story in a serialized format that I swear is getting done this year (says he as he takes a break from staring at a page that hasn’t seen a word added to it in days). The point is, it ain’t easy, especially when life and your head get in the way. So don’t stress the dry spells. You’ve been writing for years. You know the drill. Words come and don’t. Good days and bad. Life happens, and yea, so does depression and all the rest.
But the story, the idea, the characters that become our friends, live on, waiting for us, and growing with us and for us until their journey is told. So, no giving up and to quote Twain, remember, “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did… So throw off the bowlines, catch the trade winds in your sails and follow your dreams.” Hey, it worked for Twain.
So ramblings done, I leave you to your work. I just wanted to remind you that you have made an impact on people’s lives and in this case, made a fan that has lasted decades. I promise to visit more often and see where life takes you. And I look forward to your novel.
Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for being internet OG. Thank you for Stand by Me. Thank OMG YES for TableTop!
Thank you for your talent. I believe in you. I’m on Team Wil.
Wil! Hang in their man. I was at Mike Doughty and Wheatus in Novato, CA Tuesday and I thought of you. I kept my eye on the crowd, hoping that you would stroll in. That album is such a catharsis for me. I haven’t felt so centered in a long time. I hope the coming days bring you health and happiness! You always have a fan and a friend in northern california if you need one.
P.S. – Have you ever played the original 1986 Aliens boardgame based on the second movie? It was years ahead of its time! It is a cooperative game with three levels and characters with different strengths. The aliens appear in random places based on dice roll and in different amounts by round. It is next to impossible to beat. I can’t sell the game enough. It is pretty hard to find but I scored a copy on ebay a few years ago.
Keven
I can relate. I’ve found it immensely helpful, perhaps even necessary, to shut out the news almost entirely, for the sake of preserving my sanity. because I simply wasn’t equipped to deal with it, in addition to the demons of anxiety and depression I was already battling. These days, I’ve stopped battling them and strive to channel them in more positive directions. They’ll never go away, so I might as well put them to work for me.🤷🏼♂️
Thank you Wil. Hopefully sharing these thoughts helps you at least a small measure, because it helps some of us immensely.