82 thoughts on “caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom”

1. That hurts. Being a kid is hard, and the things they did were shitty.
   Damon has watched the hell out of the toys that made us though….

2. there is a dimly lit tableau that I can’t see when I look directly at it. It only gives up shapes and colors, mostly obscured by shadows.
   This is honestly so much of my life. laughs There’s something there, but you can’t quite look at it, because the light just keeps bending around it. It’s just there enough to be haunting, to be terrifying (but only when trying to get to sleep). And there’s no one to ask, because there’s no one left (for whatever reason) who was there for it.

   I guess I’m just here to say I hear you, and I know what this is like, and it breaks my heart that it’s happening to someone else.

3. I so want to hug 11 year old you right now.

4. You know, you did not need anything else to be happening – there was quite enough…your teapot was way too full and no one was hearing you. Your selfish parents were doing nothing but protecting them selves whenever you complained so they did not feel the pain they were inflicting (on both you and themselves). I am honored to be able to read your missives and so glad that you choose to share them. I also wish I could have hugged the stuffing out of you at 11 and 10 and 9 etc …. BUT you have survived and become quite the wonderful man, father, husband and friend. Kudos !!!

5. WOW! THIS is SO POWERFUL Wil! It reminds me of my OWN “Bad Days with Math” when I was in school! I HATED Math BECAUSE of teachers JUST Like Yours! And unless it’s something I am working on like a Scratch Build Model or Construction a Costume or piece of clothing I STILL try to stay away from math if I can help it! 🙂

   This ALSO reminds me of an old MASH Episode called “BLESS YOU HAWKEYE”, where Hawkeye starts sneezing like CRAZY after a bunch of wounded soldiers come into the camp. They had spent the night in a damp, mold filled ditch and their uniforms REEK of stink from the mold smelling like “Wet burlap sacks”!
   Well those “SMELLS” trigger an OLD Painful child-hood memory for Hawkeye when he was about ten and he and his cousin whom he LOVED and EVERYONE Loved were out fishing in a boat in a pond and they were goofing around and his cousin PUSHED him into the water and he almost drown! But after his cousin pulls him into the boat he THANKED him when he wanted to PUNCH Him for almost drowning him!

   But he COULDN’T think those thoughts about his cousin because his cousin was the one “EVERYONE LOVED”!
   And so… he bottled up and stuffed down this pain. Until those smells brought back the memories.

   If you have never seen this episode… I HIGHLY recommend it! It might help YOU with your “Memory Blocks”?

   I hope you one day are more successful in dealing with ALL of your pains more then I have been able to deal with MINE!

   See… MY Problem is that I CAN’T FORGET ANYTHING! EVER! PERIOD!!! So all I need to is THINK of something from my childhood… and for ever One GOOD memory… I have HUNDREDS of BAD Ones!

   Joe Connolly
   Jefferson Wisconsin

   1. Hi Joe Connolly. I just wanted to say hi. I am also from Wisconsin like you. I am in Milwaukee. Beautiful words.

      1. Hello Wenona I USED to live in Milwaukee when I was growing up until I was in fifth grade.

         Yea I have LOTS of “Alcoholic Parents” Stories to tell! AND most of it started with my oldest sister getting pregnant at 15… Married at 16…
         Having another child at 17 and dying of Leukemia at age 18. I was 7 when she died in 1972, Our family blew apart then..

         And since I’ve lost BOTH my parents and my other two sisters as well. There is only my older brother and I left. And we don’t talk.
         We’ve seen each other a couple of times… I’ve TRIED to reach out to him to have a relationship with him… but nope,
         I guess it is NOT to be?! :(.

         1. Hi Joe, when you lived in Milwaukee which school did you go to? I first went to Kagel elementary school on Mineral Street from K through 1st grade. We moved and I ended up at Allen-Field Grade School on Lapham Blvd for 2nd grade through 6 grade. I lived on the south side of Milwaukee back then.

            My mom & dad got pregnant with me when they were only 15. I was born on July 11, 1973 at St Luke’s Hospital. My Dad was an Alcoholic and so was his Dad, my Paternal Grandfather. My Dad is Native American which there was a lot of problems with alcoholism.

            I encourage you to try 6 Al-Anon meetings to see if they can help you. I have seen people who deal with people’s alcoholism, drugs, and/or suffering from codependent relationships benefit from Al-Anon. You can find local Al-Anon meetings here https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

            1. Hello Again Wenona.

               Well… I went to Washington Ervine Grade School near 76th and Mill Road on the north side until we moved to Menomonee Falls in 1975.
               Then I went to a small grade school a couple of blocks from my house for the remainder of fifth grade. I then went to Templeton Middle School in Sussex 6th through 8th and THEN went to Pius XI High School in Milwaukee and Graduated Class of ’83.

               I’ve been to Al-anon and other 12 step programs and such, I’ve been in therapy for MOST of my adult life.

               Oh and I sent you a message on one of your YouTube channels. 🙂

               Joe

            2. Hi Joe Again! I went to Fritsche Middle School in Milwaukee. I went first to Riverside University High School on the eastside Of Milwaukee 1987-1990 and then graduated from South Division High School in Milwaukee in 1991.

               Later I graduated from Alverno College in Milwaukee in 1995 with a BA in Business. I studied Art for a couple of years in 97-99 at UW-Milwaukee. Last year I studied MA in New Media Journalism at Full Sail. Currently I am at American Intercontinental University studying my MBA.

               How long have you been in Al-Anon? When was your last meeting? Do you currently have a sponsor? Have you gone through all 12 steps? Are you currently doing any Al-Anon Service Work? Have you ever been an Al-Anon Sponsor yet?

               I celebrate 13 years in Al-Anon next Dec 20!

               Oh I didn’t know you knew where my YouTube channel was? lol Yes I found your YouTube comment on my video! I have used Google Hangouts before under [email protected]
               Thanks for finding my YouTube channel and leaving me a comment! Much appreciation!
               Wenona

            3. Hi Joe! I left a reply to your comment on my YouTube channel. I see you had no YouTube subscribers. I just subscribed to your YouTube channel. I am your first subscriber! 😜 I can’t seem to find you on Google Hangouts though.

               Wenona

            4. Hi Joe I found your YouTube channel comment on my video. I replied and I am the first one to subscribe to your channel. Can’t seem to find you on Google Hangouts.

               So how long have you been in Al-Anon? When was your last meeting? Do you have a Sponsor? Have you completed all 12 steps yet?

               I celebrate 13 years in Al-Anon next Dec 20!

               Wenona

   2. Joe, I’m in that same boat, I can’t forget anything, so every miserable event is just as clear as the day it happened. It truly sucks.

6. Thanks for sharing, Wil. I truly appreciate all you share.

7. Geez Wil – I absolutely want to hammer your parents!! What a terrible burden for such a young heart. I’m sure you felt isolated and completely helpless to change what was happening to you. I’m so very sorry. You turned into such a kind and sensitive man – your parents were fabulous examples of the types of people you don’t ever want to emulate. How smart you were to realize that and not continue the cycle of abuse. It’s interesting how our sub-conscious seems to withhold those memories that are extremely painful to face – as though we are too fragile to recall the details of certain occasions. It must mean that you are stronger and more capable than you realize. If you take anything from those resurfacing repressed memories please realize that you did survive it, despite their efforts to destroy you, and you are developing a deeper understanding as to why and how you react to challenges in your life. Thank God you are nothing like your mother and father, not as a husband, a father or a human being. In a way, they didn’t raise you. You did.

8. Why do the manipulators always act as if they are the victim? Do they actually believe that they are the victim, or are they just that good at manipulating? I have yet to figure it out.

   Thanks for sharing this. I am sorry to know this happened to you, yet must admit it helps others that have experienced similar circumstances.

9. Ahh so you don’t talk to your parents anymore. I wondered about that. Was this recent? I thought I read a post of yours where is sounded like they were still in your life. Maybe I’m misremembering. Sometimes it has to be done. I know because I did it. I kept my father at bey for around 30 years. I did not seek him out. Although I left my number listed I refused to see him. He is an alcoholic and I did what I had to do to protect myself. I did start seeing him again about 5 years ago. I have changed. He has not very much. But now I know I can walk if I have to. But for your own health you have to do what you need to do.

   1. I limited contact as much as I could for about ten years, until a year ago when a whole thing happened that I’m not ready to talk about in public. That was when I realized how much of a bully my dad was, how little he cared about me, and how much my mother manipulated me while she enabled him. I ended contact a little over a year ago. It hurts all the time, but it’s the best thing for me to do so I can heal myself (I tried to get them to heal with me, after months of silence, I finally got nothing but blame, denials, and gaslighting).

      1. It’s remarkable how much our parents shape us in ways we could never imagine. I had nothing but good memories of my mom and kinda’ bad ones of my dad. When mom died, this year, (oh my wife’s birthday), all the ‘bad’ came flooding out of dad in such a way that…that…heck, man…. let’s just say I feel ya’.

      2. Now I understand your grief. You had to give up hope that they would ever love you as you had always wanted. You gave them every opportunity to repair the past, but given that chance, they disappointed you again. You made the right decision to cut all contact. They will continue to HARM YOU, and will never acknowledge that they did anything wrong. What they fail to realize is that a young boy couldn’t possibly be to blame for what transpired, and the sole responsibility is theirs. Was your brother also a victim, or was he treated differently? I know he lives far from your family – perhaps deliberately? You’re so brave to share these very personal experiences with us, and as disturbed as it makes me to read it, I’m honored by your trust.

         1. My brother is younger, and is exactly like our father. I haven’t spoken to him in years. I’m still incredibly close to my sister, though, for which I am incredibly grateful.

            1. I’m so happy you have your sister. You know I always talk about my brother (worked at the public- just moved from NYC to Denver). I actually have a sister too. I see her when I’m forced to. I don’t know where she lives and I don’t know her phone number. Family is who you choose to love.

            2. It’s sad that your brother did not escape repeating bad behavior. Unfortunately he would not relate, nor understand your feelings about the past, and it’s good you do not have contact. I’m so glad you have your sister.

      3. That’s rough. I’m so glad you got through it and are in a better place. There’s a bit of prose from the novel “Summer of my German Soldier” that has started with me since I read it as a kid: the nanny to the daughter in the story: “When I goes shoppin’ and I sees the label stamped, ‘Irregular’ or ‘Seconds,’ then I knows I won’t have to pay so much for it. But you’ve got yourself some irregular seconds folks, and you’ve been paying more’n top dollar for them. So jest don’t go a-wishing for what ain’t nevah gonna be.”

      4. I am a psychologist now, in my 30s. And I still have the experience of remembering bits and pieces of childhood things that I am only just now recognizing as abnormal, harmful, and distorted. It is so painful, and each recognition is another reminder that my own memories or perceptions can’t be trusted. I wish you continued healing on your journey, friend.

      5. I see you. You did what was best for you. I’m sorry they couldn’t heal with you.

   2. My father was an alcoholic too. I remember at 5 years old my drunk father came home with a black eye late at night with the police who told my mom he had gotten into a fight at the bar. I remember waking up the next day and my mom handed me a Ronald McDonald’s plate with eggs and told me to give them to my dad. As I handed him the plate I remember him throwing up all over me. The awful sound and the awful alcohol smell all over me!

      Later that year my mom wanted to leave my Dad because she discovered he was sexually assaulting me. But my Dad wouldn’t let us go and he pulled a gun on us and held me and my mom hostage at gun point! I remember hearing the gun going off over and over each and every bang. I remember seeing the blue and red lights of the police cars flashing out the window. So much screaming! Finally my Maternal Grandfather came and disarmed my father.

      Memories are strange that way. For a long time I thought I had just dreamt up this horrible nightmare. But I mentioned my memories as an adult to my Maternal Grandfather and he confirmed that everything I remembered really did happen. It was a relief to know I was not losing my mind.

      Reason why I mention all of this is because I thought perhaps Al-Anon family Members of Alcoholics might be able to help you the way it has helped me. I joined Al-Anon in December 20, 2006 after I was encouraged to go after my boyfriend heard my stories of my alcoholic father. He thought even though I was now 32, that Al-Anon could help me heal my old wounds regarding my alcoholic father. I had always thought Al-Anon was for those currently living with Alcoholics. What I came to learn Al- Anon is also beneficial to Adult Children of Alcoholics. You can find local Al-Anon meetings at their website. Blessed Be!

10. ::raises her invisible pretend bottle of PBR to celebrate that we both survived shitty parents who did shitty things and fucked up our lives::

    1. mommatrek, to you, I offer a lyric from ‘Ruby Room’ off of the ‘Foxboro Hot Tubs’ album by Billie Joe Armstrong (It kinda’ fits in with your comment). Also, (hoisting a half empty PBR back at ya’)

       CHEERS!

       “Lucky Strike and I will travel
       As a Pabst Blue Ribbon unravels
       Gonna drink my hard earned pay
       Cause it doesn’t matter anyway, yeah”
       ———-Billie Joe Armstrong

       1. I’m not a big beer drinker, but I will drink a PBR from time to time. That was the beer my grandparents drank. They kept special mugs in the freezer JUST for their beer and my grandfather had DIY’d a spigot on the outside fridge so he could keep a keg out there.

11. What we become is up to us.

12. For me, it’s mentions of MAKE-A-WISH (MAW). Now, I am 100% for the organization. I see nothing wrong with it at all. They do great work! But,…

    Whenever I see the great work that MAW does, I am reminded how, as a kid, I was a MAW kid. I was given the opportunity to get a Wish granted. But, my parents (and occupational therapist) ‘coached’ me to ask for a computer so I can do my homework. While, yes, I did need one, but that was not what I wanted as a Wish. I wanted to Wish to see NKOTB (this was 1991), Paula Abdul, or a trip to Walt Disney World. But, my parents told me they couldn’t afford a computer. So, even though MAW’s local volunteers reminded me that the Wish was what I wanted and NOT what my parents wanted me to have, I told the volunteers I wanted a computer. Later, I discovered that my parents could’ve afforded a computer, as they bought in one full payment 22 acres of retirement property in TN a year later. To this day, memories of MAW are always bittersweet for me.

13. I’m sorry you had to experience that Wil. Thank you for sharing so openly and beautifully as you always do. As a Mom trying to do better from a similar upbringing, I really feel for you. I’ve watched your healing path over the years and it’s beautiful how much progress you’ve made and how much healing you’re doing. Something about our 40s seems to kick that into gear doesn’t it? My healing has propelled me into becoming a healer to help others, and you’ve done the same as a writer. There’s a lot of progressive work being done around subclinical trauma and it’s impact, and I don’t know what kind of practitioners you work with, but a quick read by a visionary in the field of traditional/shamanic healing is psychologist Sandra Ingerman – and her book “Soul Retrieval” outlines exactly what happens when we have a blank spot like that in our memories. Thought I’d mentioned in case it even resonated a little bit and you wanted to go down a little rabbit hole. 🙂

14. I used to love math…and just like you, everything kinda sucked. It sucked so much that in my adulthood, I wrote a song about a Goth girl who loves it. Find ‘Annabelle’ by searching for Junkyard Academy on band camp. I, now, officially, dedicate this to you, to me, to all the confused kids who had issues with math. Me? Heck I found out later that I had a mild case of dyslexia. Sooooo much fun.

15. I can really relate to you in this post. Minus being a child actor part.

    I also struggled in math and had gotten little help. My mom’s husband at the time said, “Helping me with my math is cheating.” This is the most stupid thing ever. So, I never received help with my school work.

    My mom is verbally and physically abusive. My brother also verbally and physically abused me. I never told anyone. I just normalized it all.

    I have been limiting contact with my family, as well. I plan on moving out of state this summer. Which will put more distance between them and myself. I already live 5 hours away from my family.

    I think once we accept that our parents aren’t nice. And that, they will never change… we start to heal emotionally. I know my anxiety and depression had improved greatly, after accepting my mom for who she is. And, when I stopped looking for acceptance.

    Wil, I hope time helps you heal more. Your unhappy childhood isn’t your fault. It also isn’t your fault that your parents aren’t very nice people. I admire you for cutting ties with your folks. I wish that I was brave and had enough strength to snip the tie, all the way. Maybe your strength will rub off on me.

    I am glad that you share parts of yourself with us. It doesn’t just help you, but some strangers out there.

16. May we all have those moments of clarity and heal just a little bit more….thank you for sharing, Wil.

17. As a parent and as someone in the education field (actually at an amazing Lutheran school that I love), It’s heartbreaking to read that the people who should have been helping you manuever through childhood struggles did not. Difficult memories from our past do tend to spring up at the most unexpected times, don’t they? And working through them and processing them…well, as you certainly know, that can take years. You ARE making progress. Stay strong and keep your head up.

18. I am so sorry you went through that. Not everyone should be parents. People should have to have a license to raise kids. Just sayin.

    1. I so agree with you. Or pass some type of test, although the deciders could apply subjective opinions. There was a great part in the movie “Parenthood” when the character played by Keanu Reeves was describing his father. He said that (and I’m paraphrasing) that you need a license to drive a car, own a dog or even catch a fish. But any butt-reaming asshole can be a father…” So profound.

19. Wil, so after reading your sharing here, you mentioned that your mother talked about giving up her career to further your career. I have heard of some child stars having such lucrative careers that the child star becomes the main breadwinner of the entire family that depends on the child’s income. I imagine having such a financial burden supporting ones family would be so overwhelming! I have even heard some families of child stars rip off millions of dollars from their child that the child never benefits fully from their financial income and years of hard work. As a Child Star were you Wil the primary income for your entire family too? Did you also lose your financial income due to your parents greed as well? Whenever I hear Child Stars financially ripped off by their parents and family it truly breaks my heart!

    When I was in fifth grade I did a lot of volunteering including being a Playground Pal for the younger kids at recess and School Crossing Cadet making sure younger kids safely crossed the street. I also volunteered to help kids with their homework as a Tutor. I am sadden to hear you didn’t get any help with your math. Not from teachers, parents, or some sort of peer or Tutor. I wish I was a Peer Tutor at your School. I would have happily sat next to you and helped you with your math step by step. You wouldn’t have been alone! Hugs– Wenona

20. I can relate. My father was very much the bully, and he projected his dreams on me until I turned out to be gay. After that, he really didn’t see me as an extension of him anymore.

21. remember, I didn’t just have a ton of math pages to do; I had a ton of math pages to do that I didn’t understand

    This is a huge tangent, but it wasn’t until reading this that I surfaced a realization that I think it’s weird that anyone would expect a teacher to teach.

    My mother taught me – my mother was the best teacher ever. But “teachers“?

    I had nice teachers, and mean teachers, but I honestly don’t think I ever even expected them to teach. Teaching came from books; why would you expect anything else?

    Being sat down to do maths I didn’t understand, with the book available? I genuinely didn’t understand what the issue was at that point in the story; that sounds ideal to me – which is what led to the realization. Weird, eh?

    1. Like Wil, I was a reasonably good student in most subjects, but math eluded me. Like you, I preferred to learn from books, but math was a foreign language that refused to be translated. It was years later in high school when a chemistry teacher finally opened the door to equations for me, using play-doh as an example. Sometimes, that one person qualified to teach who can actually impart their knowledge, is worth more than silver or gold. Even if it’s only once or twice, the difference that makes!

       A generation later, my daughter was having the same problems with equations. Play-doh solved the day, again. Thank you, Mr Crispen.

       (I still failed chemistry, dammit. Play-doh couldn’t fix chemical reactions).

22. Wii as I read this my heart ached for for you. It also made me glad that you didn’t fall into that trap of excess that can happen to child stars. While you are still beautifully broken you are a wonderful human. And it makes me want to be a better dad to my kiddos.

23. flashback. those memories you describe are flashbacks. i had a mom who “gave me everything” and uhm, yeah. No.

24. We ALL want to go back and hug young Wil and stop their abuse of you! Hugs forever to you…

25. You’re a good man, Wheaton. I’m sorry all that happened when you were just an unheard, used kid. But I do think that, right now, the adult Wil is a kick ass father to have. Damned good husband, too. Because you know what it’s like, and you’d NEVER do it to them. Damage often gets passed on, and you haven’t. That makes you a hero.

26. Dear Wil: These memories and stories from when you were a child makes my heart ache for you, and want to hug it all away. And yet, despite this abuse you suffered, you are an amazing man, husband and father. We don’t know each other well, but I respect and care for you and I consider myself to be your friend and I always enjoy seeing you every year. Internet hugs and love to you and your family.

    Sea Monkey Laurie

27. puts hand on heart as if that will keep her empathy and emotions in check, gets out her To Do In The TARDIS list and adds “Find young Wil, give him seven goddamn hugs in a row and tell him how wonderful and worthy he is, as he is right then and that one day he’s going to have the amazing family he doesn’t have right now and he’s going to be a writer and an actor that brings genuine joy to people’s lives and inspires them and also go buy him a milkshake to it*

    thinks, also adds “Go see Elton John at The Trobadour because that would be awesome”

    I’m sorry you had to go through this abuse and I’m so proud you broke the cycle and are a great dad to your boys.

28. You saying your mom didn’t stick up for you hit me hard, as I’ve recently been having memories of my mom not sticking up for me against my father. I don’t know what to do with these memories, these feelings, or my parents, but–Thank you for writing/sharing.

29. What a powerful piece of writing Wil. I hope you can continue to heal.

30. Powerful text. It opened my eyes a little bit, especially the gaslighting part. I probably should cut ties with my parents too. I recognized so much of the behavior you described, yet was never able to analyse it as clearly as you did in your text.

31. Your writing on such a painful episode is very good – I hope that this, together with your honesty in sharing, helps in some sense to redeem the dark memory.

32. One can’t miss the irony of the kid in this story going on to play a child genius in all things maths and technology. Maybe irony helps? Maybe irony sucks! Or maybe it doesn’t matter…

    I do feel for this kid, though.

    I am reminded with this story, as with all of your past stories of a similar vein, of watching you as that child genius of the future. I was (and, amazingly, still am) a few years younger, but of a similar age. And I remember wanting to be that actor’s friend, because, for some reason, I felt that that actor needed a friend, needed someone who he could sit down and talk to, talk with, someone who could try to understand him. When I read these stories, I’m reminded of that, and I wonder if I was seeing something of this behind the eyes of that kid on the screen.

    Alas, with thousands of miles and a whole ocean between us, that was never going to be. But I did hope that that actor did have a friend, because kids of all ages need friends they can talk to about stuff.

33. I read this and didn’t know what I want to say, other then “thanks for writing this”, then I came up with something:

    I didn’t realize until reading this that you are just a year older than me, and I too suffered with math and other traumas in about 5th grade (maybe its just 5th grade!!)

    I’ve done a lot of personal growth work over the last year (mainly journaling) and come to accept the trauma of gas-lighting and scapegoating that was done to me. Until recently I didn’t realize it had been done.

    From that I’ve come to understand two things:

    The deep intense loneliness I often experience (and the attempts to fill it) are all because the 1 person I miss is me. My 11 year old self was separated from himself and forced to be someone else. The person I longed to see was me.

    My “friendships”, intimate and otherwise, were all proxies for the fact that I could not love or accept who I am. Scapegoating and Gaslighting killed me (or tried), and that I was the person I mourned when those relationships inevitably ended (because they were based on a farce).

    In this I realized that I can be the adult my 11 yo self needs, because he is still right here, and that I need to wrap my arms around him and welcome him back into my life if I am to move forward out of addiction (in my case addiction to “friendships”).

    So I say “thanks for writing this” I appreciate your ability to share with us these things.

    Darrel

    1. a great post, Darrel.

34. Hey Wil. You’ve been sharing a lot about the trauma with your parents lately. I’m truly sorry that you had to endure all of that, and it’s good that you’re processing all of it. I do hope though that while you’re processing this, and spending a lot of time in what is bound to be a negative head-space, that you’re also taking equal time to stop and realize just how amazing of a person you are, despite it all. It’s important when dealing with trauma to not get lost in the negative, and end up living there with bitterness. You’ve got so many positive things in your life, I’d hate to see you get dragged down. Keep processing and working through it all, and then look around at how incredible the world is despite it all.

35. I’ve hated so many incompetent teachers over the years. When teachers are generically lauded, I just want to spit on them. Had much the same “adventure” in 5th grade and hated math forever after.

36. Hey Wil,

    Just wanted to say thanks for your blog and writing. Sorry your parents milked you. Until now I couldn’t understand your bitterness at being successful but now it’s clear that you got buried by the need for money-making success. Thanks for surviving. You definitely could have been just another rich and shallow actor with loads of cash but we got a good writer and a geek comrade with heart. So thank you for coming through and for your heart and writing, sir. Please keep writing!

    Also I have always wondered why you don't just say "Fuck Hollywood" once and for all and be the kick-ass writer you want to be.  I only come to your blog for writer Wil, not actor Wil.  Actor Wil+writer Wil always seem to be fighting with each other.  Can you please write more and ditch the factory of broken lives?  I know we'd all like to have more writing from you that doesn't always get tainted with the crap from that industry.
    

    P.S. Not to preach but love and forgiveness are the only way out of hating your parents for what they did. My dad was abusive while dying from cancer so that was my experience, after growing up. Replacing the anger with love is the only way out, even from a distance when you’re in a relationship where you can’t actually have contact with them. Easy to say but hard to practice for sure.

    1. I hear you BigZero on the only way out is love and forgiveness. Everyone has to deal with their parents in their own way. We can say our parents did all they can or could do, because that’s all they knew, but when you go on for decades and decades after that without really even talking about anything, love gets lost in a lot of pain and hurt and and anger and in my case, I am simply walking away. My mother tries to communicate and tells me how much she loves me, but there is too much in my head to accept that. I don’t want to accept that. Especially because of other things current, I feel weird trusting that. I feel it’s all just a rush to “try to make up” before we die. To wit I said, oh well, sometimes pain has to come at awkward times and moments. Love doesn’t always conquer all. Leaving and moving on does though. But for many people, your advise is spot on..

37. I’m glad that you feel that you can shine your light.

38. Sending love through space and time to 11 year old you! You deserved to have what you needed.

39. Will, between being a star for your wife’s son, and being a substitute father struggling to raise another man’s son, I personally say ACT LAI-CA HIS FATHER. DISCIPLINE HIM WHEN HE NEEDS DISCIPLINE…yet, a better guide seems to be to become his parent-FRIEND. Allow your wife to discipline her son, while u be the GOOD FRIEND HE NEEDS IN HIS CHILDHOOD.

40. Will now is the perfect time for you to flex your star-power and be the parent-FRIEND in your wife’s child’s life. Help his have a wonderful childhood, the type you yourself wanted. Allow your wife to discipline her son, you become his FRIEND.

41. Thank you for sharing such an important memory. I’ve been a huge fan of your writing since I discovered your blog (in the early 2000s, I think), but this one was particularly meaningful to me. I have an 11-year old daughter who is dealing with anxiety herself and I just wanted to let you know that you’re helping me be a better parent.

42. Thank you for sharing, Wil. I remember fourth grade math and crying because of long division and a teacher who never seemed to explain what was going on. My son is currently in fourth grade and is struggling hard with long division. My experience in fourth grade has given me the patience to support him while he masters this difficult concept. Your pain as a kid has informed the man you became– a force for good, a protector of your children. We take our pain and make the world a little better for the next generation. It doesn’t erase the pain, but it makes it mean something, just like you said. Hugs.

43. I’m rather “late to the game” in that I didn’t start following and reading your posts until earlier this year. Some make me laugh, some make me think, some make me nostalgic, and some make me hurt–for you, and more importantly, for the many, many other children who are going through similar situations in their lives still today. On the eve of the Mr. Rogers movie coming out, I grabbed “The World According to Mr. Rogers” from the side of my desk, to see if I could find something applicable. Well, it seems that every other page had something that could speak to us all in different ways. I finally settled on two, the first one because this post, this thought, and this memory started with the show about LEGO’s, “Play does seem to open up another part of the mind that is always there, but that, since childhood, may have become closed off and hard to reach. When we treat children’s play as seriously as it deserves, we are helping them to feel the joy that’s to be found in the creative spirit. We’re helping ourselves stay in touch with that spirit, too. It’s the things we play with and the people who help us play that make a great difference in our lives.”

    The second choice is just because…”I like you just the way you are.” Something every child should hear often.

    Thank you Mr. Rogers, and thank you Wil.

44. What I find amazing is how strong and put together you are. The level of chronic abuse you suffered would break anyone. And despite your mental health challenges you are rocking your life. You married a great person and raise two wonderful young men. And have carved out a solid living exercising your gifts. And you are loved by many, many people for who you are not what you have done.

45. I have a similar memory. During all my school years, I always had great marks in English language. However, I also had a couple of teachers that had their own philosophy for what was a successfull student. Because while I was good in English, I struggled in other subjects, and I tried to act goofy to integrate myself into the classroom’s group (unsuccesfully).
    So despite doing well enough, one day this teacher gave me an absurdly grindy homework: rewrite 20 times a sample dialog from the text book: it was a script of roughly 2 pages. I just refused to do it, so everyday during recess, while all my classroom mates and other people at school would be playing I would be sitting in front of the entrance writing this useless thing while somebody would watch over me.

    I was lucky enough that after a while I told that to my parent, who spoke with the class’ responsible teacher, so things stopped after 2-3 months at most. But I can remember the profound shame that I felt in front of all of my classroom mates, the feeling of helplessness and loneliness of those days.

46. So many similarities and differences. My home life was better than yours – but middle school was a hellscape, and no adult did anything but blame me for the psychological torture I was put through on a daily basis. One of the few major issues I have with my mom to this day (I’m 43 – was 11 when TNG debuted for context) is that she insists she didn’t know how bad it was because I didn’t tell her. Why should I have? Nobody did a damn thing if I did. I gave up on adults. The only thing that stopped the bullies entirely was moving to a different state between the tenth and eleventh grades, though going into a bigger high school helped somewhat. The upside was that I had an imaginary starship where nobody would bully and mock me and I think that’s a major reason I’m still here.

    I want to go back in time and hug both of us, Wil, and I especially want to tell 13-year-old me that it gets better and the whole world doesn’t hate me personally and I would be able to put together a decent life for myself. You’ve done an amazing job at just that yourself. Anne is a very lucky woman.

47. This is how healing and recovery work. And the more you uncover and express, the less there is of it left to take you by surprise.

    You probably know that already.

48. This is a pretty deep blog post. I started not to respond because I’m not a therapist, doctor, decent blogger, and probably not even a very good person. I also hate when people are preachy and I certainly don’t ever want to be preachy. I don’t know if what I’m about to say helps or not but feel free not to read it or feel free to ignore it if you find it insulting, poorly written, or preachy in any way. However, here I am so here are some additional thoughts on your blog post. I was saddened and angry while reading your post not because of the bad actors in your story because there are always bad actors out there (even sometimes the ones closest to you that are supposed to take care of you) but it bothered me because it seems it hurt you so much. And please don’t get me wrong, I think you had and have every right to feel hurt and be angry at all those who mistreated you. What I think when I read your story is that you are a survivor and a strong one at that who made it through a terrible time and you are who you are because of it. That’s not to say that any of it was justified or it should ever have happened at all but all I know of you, you seem like a great and strong person. It seems like you’re still in a lot of pain at the moment and trying to sort it all out but I hope one day you can be strong enough not to let those in your past cause you any more pain. Only you know what you went through and how bad it was and how you currently feel about it but maybe one day you’ll find the peace you’re looking for and break the cycle of pain all those evil people caused you and are still causing you in your life. I think you have it within you without justifying their previous bad actions and holding them accountable for all the wrong they did to you, to forgive them not because they deserve it but because you deserve it. You deserve the freedom and peace that comes from moving on and making the world a better place because you are in it and you would never treat others like you have been treated during the most vulnerable part of your life. I went through a lot as a kid too and I’m not trying to one-up-you so I’ll go ahead and say I’m sure your childhood was worse than mine. I mostly grew up alone and started working on a farm when I was 8 driving heavy equipment when I was 9 or 10. My parents moved out when I was 11 and I had the whole house to myself even though they lived in another building close to me. I had to learn to cook and often had to buy my own groceries catching a ride to the grocery store with a family member. I eventually made the decision to drop out of high school in the 10th grade so I could work multiple jobs sometimes as many as four jobs at once. I finally moved on from farming, to factories and now Information Technology after getting a GED, AA, AS, BS, and a Master’s degree in Software Engineering borrowing student loans to cover it all but I paid my own way and have made good progress paying the loans off and I’ve never been late with my payments. I feel like all I went through as a kid made me a stronger person and somehow along the way I never learned how to give up or stop trying because it seemed there was never any one there but me so I should always do the best I could if for no one else then for myself. I don’t have hatred towards my parents but I know it was no way to bring a little person into the world and I would never ever treat another child that way. I have at times been angry at events in my past but I’m much happier now that I’ve let it all go and just try to do my part to help others as much as possible and hopefully in some small way make the world a little bit better. Good luck with your journey Wil.

49. I’ve stumbled upon your page quite by accident, and thought this post especially poignant. It reminded me of an instance during a course called Context. In this course we had to sit face to face with another classmate and role play a certain memory with this individual. Talk it out, get it into the open etc.

    Out of nowhere I had a recollection of when Dad screamed in my face and threatened violence at the dinner table on account of my not being able to recite the multiplication table at his command. Every time I did math afterward, I was back at that table being screamed at.

    I ended up telling off the other ‘Dad’ in the chair, asking him about his right to treat me in such a horrible manner. Then the instructor simply instructed the other person to say ‘I did the best with what I knew how.’

    I was gobsmacked. They’re your parents, they ‘should’ know better. That simple phrase, doesn’t own the damage they did to us, but it does offer up the perspective that they did do their best with what they knew at that time. It doesn’t excuse them for their crappy treatment, but it offers us a reason for how and why they could do such things, and why they couldn’t give us what we so desperately needed as their children. They did the best they could, with what they knew how.

    This phrasing was very freeing to me. I hope it moves you in the same way.

50. Hi Wil,
    For years I’ve said how much you remind me of my own son. He looks like you. He sounds like you, same mannerisms and same way of over-acting emotions, which it is obvious that he does not feel. He also has cut off all contact with us now. He is 35 yrs old, but, unlike your perception of your parents, we never tried to push him to do things he didn’t want to do. I couldn’t have been a more liberal mother. He, unlike you, is not a verbally open, honest or effusive person. I know he has pain inside but I could never find out what it was. Not for lack of trying. He had a normal kid’s life. He had love from both his parents. He also was never good at math. He even dropped out of college because he couldn’t pass the math courses, despite extra tutoring. I can’t get the truth from him about why he hates us now, ( and has always hated me). I felt it, but never knew why. Sometimes people feel wronged, even when their mother is trying to give him everything she can. It’s hard to know when you are looking at it from your side. I feel equally as wronged by my own parents and was determined not to do the same with my son. I failed anyway. I just wanted you to know what it is like from a mother’s point of view. I wish you could meet Alex. You have a lot in common. But at least you can express you emotions. He is a closed book. I think you could help him and I think you two would be kindred spirits.
    Still love him and you.

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