“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then reimagine the world.” – Mary Oliver
In “On Writing”, Stephen King tells us that if we don’t make time to read, we don’t have time to write.
I’ve thought about that a lot over the years. In a way, he’s saying that if you don’t love to read, you probably won’t love to write. At least, that’s one of the ways I interpret it.
When I was a teen and in my early 20s, I did my best to make myself go out to the movies every week. I saw everything that I could see, sometimes twice, so I could study and learn from it.
I did not enjoy any of it. I hated being in theatres full of people who had no respect and basic courtesy for their fellow audience members, and most of what I saw bored me.
It took me years — maybe decades — to realize that while I like some movies, I don’t love film, the way my friends who are successful directors and actors do.
Actually, more than realizing it, I admitted it to myself, because I knew it all along. It’s just that I believed my mother’s gaslighting when she would tell me that it was MY dream to be an actor and to work in film and television, not something she forced me to do against my clearly and repeatedly-stated wishes.
So I’ll watch some movies when they are on DVD or streaming, and I’ll probably take myself to actually see something with an audience once or twice a year, but I don’t need to do that to breathe, which is the level of love and devotion I think we need to have for art, if we’re going to make our living and find our emotional fulfillment as an artist. I don’t have that love for acting or filmmaking. I just don’t. It isn’t there, even though I’ve worked in that industry for my whole life.
Which brings me back to On Writing.
For the last year, I have been in a cocoon. I have been withdrawn from public life as much as I have been since I started my blog twenty years ago, and I’ve been equally withdrawn in my personal life. I’ve spent a little over a year processing and trying to heal from my abusive childhood, and that has been a full-time gig for me.
Let me just take a minute to loudly and gratefully acknowledge and own how privileged I am, that I have been able to afford to work less than most people, while I get to spend almost all of my time doing therapy and healing as best as I can. I will also be proud of myself for having the courage to do this work, and to stick with it when it’s been incredibly difficult and painful.
Okay. Back to On Writing: since I finished writing and rewriting my first novel, I just haven’t made the time to read for pleasure. I’ve only read when it’s narrating an audiobook,or part of my homework for school. I’ve tried to make time to read for pleasure, but my brain just refuses to focus and build the author’s world in my imagination. It’s been frustrating, but part of my healing process is to practice mindfulness, to accept what I can’t change and focus on the things that I can change. I’ve known that I’ll eventually become a capital-R Reader again, that it’s just a matter of time before I can begin to emerge from this cocoon, so while it’s felt like something that should be a priority — I’m a writer, right? — it clearly wasn’t something I had room in my life to make a priority.
This morning, one of my internet friends showed me this collection of short speculative fiction stories at Amazon Prime called Forward. They are included in my Prime membership, to read on Kindle without charge, but they are ALSO available from Audible at no charge to Prime members. Each of these stories can be read or listened to in about an hour.
I was intrigued. I am a fan of many of the authors and narrators, but could I set aside a whole hour? Doesn’t that seem like a silly thing to ask myself? That’s my reality, though, at this moment in my life. I wanted to carve out an hour, but could I?
As I very slowly and cautiously emerge from this cocoon, I am making an effort to invest some time in my physical health (again, very grateful that I have been able to focus so singularly on my mental health, without my physical health suffering). I’ve done little things like walk my dogs, but for close to a year, I haven’t done any other meaningful exercise. I haven’t jogged, I haven’t even practiced yoga. And my body is starting to tell me that I need to take better care of it. I listened, and I don’t make new year resolutions, but back in December, Anne and I committed to walking at least every other day, with the goal of doing a 5K in the future.
To slowly work my body back into a place where it can do a 5K and not collapse, I walk every day, even if it’s just around the block, because I’m middle-aged, and it just takes longer for my body to work itself back into good shape than it did when I was younger. But I haven’t taken a long walk, by myself, until today. Today, I put on my headphones, picked a book to listen to, and took Jason Isaacs and NK Jemisin out with me. I literally did not want to come home until I finished listening to him narrate her short story, “Emergency Skin”. My legs were all, “bro, we’re getting tired” and I was like “shut up and keep walking. I need to know how this ends.”
My artistic spirit feels nourished and inspired, and my body feels good. I could easily have spent that hour doing nothing but goofing off, but I made a deliberate choice to do the personal work I need to do on my body and my mind, so I can live my best life.
I still have a TREMENDOUS amount of pain to heal, and while today is a pretty good day, I know there are rough days ahead (and also other good days), so I’m choosing to be present and grateful for that.
Over the last year, I’ve worked really hard to heal myself and unpack a lot of pain and trauma. I’ve made a lot of good progress, but it’s come at a cost. I’ve forgotten how to read. I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I’ve forgotten how to be joyful. But it’s slowly and surely coming back to me.
And I now have at least five hours of what looks like great reading/listening ahead of me, that I hope will inspire me to write my own stories.
PS: speaking of audiobooks, I had the privilege of narrating Andy Weir’s The Martian for Audible, and it debuted at number one when it was released last week!
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You are my favorite narrator, and I’m excited to get to listen to your version of The Martian, which I really enjoyed reading. Hang in there, you’ll get through all this, and you’re doing great!
Your doing all the right things to heal! Make sure to get some tabletop play in also. 🙂
So good for you, man. I feel you. Do the walking thing until it seems too easy, then try one of the many couch to 5k plans. They start with a mix of walking and jogging and work up over many sessions to running a 5k. My wife and I did just this. My brother, as well. You can do it and you’ll feel better for it.
I understand the need for concentrated efforts on healing. Perhaps the reading, writing and any other activities that are on hold would take the focus off what is more important now, and you can’t afford to do that. Facing past trauma, which has long been avoided, is daunting on anyone’s best day. No one invites pain, yet that is on the menu to work through those critical incidents that have held you captive for too long. There will come a time when you feel the freedom to invite more distractions into your daily life, and even enjoy them. But for as long as you think is necessary, it’s more effective not to divide your concentration. Healing is a continuous process, but in time, less attention is required. You’re doing the work that’s needed now. Be proud of that and reassured that it’s definitely worth all of your efforts. Sending encouraging hugs.
Well, at least you understand how privileged you are. That being said, our pain is all each of us know, so we just deal with it or not. Comparing each other, or making judgments about what others are experiencing is bullshit. I hope that you will get to the place you want to be Will, best wishes.
Dear Wil, this was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. I too am middle aged, and my body is telling me that I badly need to take better care of it. I’ve never exercised regularly and I’ve eaten badly for years, but I have taken the first steps towards doing the work. You reminded me that changes are made through small daily commitments that can feel good when you get out and do them.
Thank you.
It’s so great to hear from you, Wil! I was extremely lucky to be at your book reading on the Star Trek cruise last year and I really enjoy listening to your narrations (and your writing!). Just downloaded The Martian! I love listening to books and podcasts while I run, and finding a good narrator is worth a lot in my choice of books. Ever since you “crushed it” with the reading of Ready Player One, I’ve been a huge fan. Happy to hear you are getting out and getting moving and listening to stories again!
Thank you so much, Wil — I follow you on Tumblr, and always appreciate what you have to say and share. I am a librarian, and also have been going through a slog of not being able to focus and find the delight in reading. It feels like failing, because I want to uncover wonderful stories to pass along to others. Or find the books that help me explain the hard things to myself. I hadn’t really thought about it until just now, but whenever I hit a wall like this, audiobooks get me through. Maybe because I have to proceed at the narrator’s pace, or maybe because the narrator is feeding me the enthusiasm for the story? Maybe because being read to is still my favorite comfort, and way of giving comfort.
So thank you for being a part of that. (The Martian has been on my to-read list for a while, huzzah!) Thanks for being here on a good day to post this.
I’m happy for you, man. And in time, the hobbies will make their way back. All in good time. I made a new friend not too long ago and I adore her. She reads a lot, which has inspired me to read more, and I’ve blown through all kinds of books lately. I’m so happy I’m reading again. My kids are 6, 6 and 9 now and there’s more down time to be able to pick up a book. I’ve always got two going at once – one “book” and one audiobook. I use opportunities where I can… I listened to Pet Sematary while re-painting my twins room (read by the AMAZING Michael C Hall). I have wanted to sign up for Audible for months, and the day I start reading the Martian, you announce the audio version? Done. I listen to the Martian while I’m doing laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning house… I love it so far.
I had fun this year with Bird Box, Sharp Objects, Hillbilly Elegy, Strange weather (all audiobooks, and Yay Wil!), Turtles all the way down (adore John Green), Wild by Cheryl Strayed, Wonder by RJ Palacia, RBG, and Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer. I can’t say enough bad things about Geralds Game by Stephen King. UGH.
There are so many more on the list and I’m happy about it.
Anyway, I am glad you found some inspiration, there’s some excellent reads and readers out there. If you catch something you can’t put down it’s easy to start the ball rolling. Gotta stop typing. I broke my wrist taking kids ice skating over break and it’s kind of ruining my life right now.
I am so proud of you and all the hard work you are doing and all the hard admissions! I have a friend who is also doing the work you speak of, her past situations have caused such ptsd she now has seizures! It breaks my heart how families can cause that much damage to the ones they are supposed to love and care for.
About two weeks ago, (when I finally heard the news about IV), I fired up Diablo II and started a Bowazon character. Go to the Rogue Camp without delay!
Also, best wishes on your continuing recovery. Glad to hear you’re making progress.
It’s good to “see” you and get your update. Keep moving forward; personally I’d rather do it on a bike, but walking is a great way to be active.
Well done Wil. Have hope!
So, you don’t know me and I don’t know you beyond your public persona and what you’ve shared with fans… but we are around the same age and, having gone through similar gaslighting (I say brainwashing) as a kid and finally having enough safe boundaries in place as an adult with enough resources to make it stick, I have to say this…
Dude. Way to go. I’m proud of you. Keep at it. Even on days that suck, and everything hurts, it’s better than it was because you made the choices you needed to.
You rock.
Wil, I could have written this myself: it resonates with me deeply, especially as a fellow middle-aged GenXer (I think you’re about 6 months older than I am). I’m also reading SK’s “On Writing” and taking to heart his advice to read as well as write, and I’ve had to slowly re-engage the part of my brain that could once suck down a 500 page book in a day. The first thing I read after 16 years of parenting and 8 years of psychiatric misdiagnoses (I have complex PTSD from a traumatic childhood but am repeatedly told I have bipolar disorder) was the Dark Phoenix comic because pictures and bubbles of text were about all I could handle. Now I’m slowly getting back into reading other things: last night I read The Upanishads for an hour, and am also reading Carl Jung’s “Memories Dreams and Reflections”. And because SK is an old “friend” from my teen years, I’m reading “The Eyes of the Dragon”. I only read for an hour or so, and it took time to build up to that: about 6 months, and I have to jump between the books I’m reading because my anxiety keeps me from focusing on one thing for too long, but I’m doing it. And so will you. You’re a very inspiring person to me and I’m rooting for you. Keep doing what you do.
Hi StormDragon ⛈ I actually am someone who has PTSD and Bipolar Disorder at the same time since I was 16 over 30 years. Curious what do you think you don’t have Bipolar Disorder? In my case I was diagnosed with both in the same year. Carrie Fisher had Bipolar Disorder. Carrie wrote a lot about her Bipolar Disorder. Once she came to speak at Community Alliance where I was going as a mental health consumer. My Princess with the Hopi inspired buns. Carrie is such a great writer! Blessed Be! Wenona – White Turtle Rainbow 🌈
I have followed your blog and writings for many years, and have watched you struggle to come into yourself.
I just want you to know I am very, very proud of you.
You have opened my eyes to things I might not have otherwise noticed or appreciated, and you make clearer things I should see. I thank you, and Anne for supporting you. And I wish you all the best. LLAP 🖖🏼
I know that you probably don’t feel like it, but you are an inspiration to those of us trying to get our selves back in control and on the right path. Please continue to heal and move forward while keeping us posted now and then. We look forward to it as it keeps us feeling positive as well. Thank you!
Conan left out the fourth part when asked what is best in life
To crush your enemies
To see them driven before you
and to hear the lamentations of their women
and most of all
Walking the dogs having nowhere in particular to go in no particular time
I’m so proud of you! I am glad you’re taking your time to heal and taking time to be healthy and taking time to feed yourself stories! waves pompoms to cheer you on
It’s good to be reminded of how all this works, and that is does work. Congratulations on reaching this stage of your healing!
Well done on doing the hard, hard work and thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Thanks also for those story recommendations, they are also available (with free narration) through Kindle Unlimited!
I’m glad you’re taking time for yourself. Reading is healing, and I hope that and walking and being with your family helps you get better everyday.
Every journey begins with just one step…
I’ve enjoyed some wonderful series on audiobooks while walking. I too, started out with a daily walk, sometimes just around the block and now i make sure I get my 10,000 steps each day. You got this Wil!
Wil you continually inspire me with hope. Thank you. Happy New Year.
You are a gift. Sending healing energy to you.
I love your courage and willingness to face squarely into the darkness. Best wishes for continued willingness to connect with all the healing angels who surround you.
I just love hearing your updates and am glad you are starting to feel better. I haven’t been able to focus much on paper books, but will listen to audiobooks constantly. If you’re open to book recs, The Themis Files trilogy by Sylvain Neuvel is EXCELLENT on audio and I think you’d like it alot. It’s a great story with complex characters in a really unique format. Hang in there!
This happens to me frequently. I used to read so much and I can barely get into it nowadays. It’s a rare gem when a book sucks me in completely, but luckily it still happens every now and then.
Thanks for pointing me towards Forward, I did not have it on my radar and it sounds pretty good!
I’ll definitely check out your narration of The Martian. I loved the book, and I love your narrations. Seriously, accidentaly stumbling upon you as a narrator made me give audiobooks a second chance (used to dislike them), and I am very glad that happened! Also, being a fan of Scalzi as an author and you as a narrator has made picking a book from my reading list a lot easier!
Going for regular walks while listening to an audiobook or podcast has turned out to improve both my physical and my mental health as well.
I’m glad you’re taking time for yourself and that you’re healing. Keep it up!
Petit à petit, mon ami. Petit à petit. We’re all on this journey together.
Good for you for recognizing what can work for you, Wil. And on a side note I lost my sh!t in a happy way when you were a part of the DC Crisis on TV in December. For a DC geek since I was seven (and I’m about your age) it’s been fun and I loved seeing you a part of it.
As somebody who’s been a life long reading ADDICT (that’s right. I consider myself addicted), reading this hurt my heart, Wil. I mean, I can’t imagine ever reading and not getting any kind of pleasure out of it, even when I’m trying to hack my way through the entire “Song of Ice and Fire” series one right after the other (which I did do a few years ago, and it took me about 6 mos to complete all the books). Reading is how I get through the most difficult times of my life. Like you, I have severe depression and anxiety, but I also deal with chronic pain. Last night, after a failed visit to a lab to get bloodwork done, I got slightly high on banana tea (which is simple to make and only gets you very mildly stoned, if it gets you stoned at all) and read from my emotional support book “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson( some people have an emotional support animal–dog, cat, hamster, what have you. I have a BOOK. Because I’m nerdy that way) because I was left feeling like utter shit. The lab tech made me feel like it was MY fault that she blew my vein and couldn’t get the blood she needed for the tests that need to be run. Between the giggling fits from the very mild high I got from the banana tea and the book, I felt better. And that’s how books always make me feel. No matter how bad I feel, a book can ALWAYS make me feel a little bit better.
I wish that in this year, you not only start to read for pleasure again, Wil, but that they bring you the comfort that they’ve always brought me.
“awhile” reminds me of “the alot” 😉
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
Wil, I’ve been thinking about you while you’ve been non-posting, knowing you’re going through hard times, brain weasels, and the like. I’m glad you’re able to find the good moments again, and that you know that though they might not be frequent right now, those moments will return and grow and eventually become a new baseline state.
Walking is indeed a completely worthwhile self-care endeavor; it worked for me for a while, and then I de-prioritized it and I lost its benefits. Making the time for self-care should be part of all of our “jobs” – those mandatory things one does to make the “fun” parts of life better. Having fun while self-caring is even better.
I was on a similar “work/school reading only” thing for a while. The initial solution I found was from your friend, LeVar Burton. His podcast helped immensely – short stories, with sci-fi/fantasy bends usually, read by one of my favourite voices.
Thank you. Putting work into healing from abuse. I haven’t looked at it that way. I literally have tears reading that, for you, and myself.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is amazing to know how much we humans have in common. I finally started going to EMDR therapy and it has been life changing.
Having the chance to read others stories help strengthen the connection we all have and continue on our own life journeys.
Thank you for the thoughtful update Wil. I wish you continued healing and positive self-discovery in 2020. I checked out the Audible page for “The Martian” and was delighted to see an embedded 16-minute video of you and Andy Weir going behind the scenes on the audiobook production. Really nice interview, and it was pretty clear the friendship you and Andy share. Good stuff! audible.com/martian is the easiest way to find it for folks that are interested.
I’m about in the same place exercise-wise. I’m trying to make myself hit the treadmill every day. My reward? I allow myself to watch an episode of ST:TNG on Amazon while I walk….
Congratulations on your courage and perseverance in therapy. Other things may rust and fade, but you take you with you wherever you go…you have invested in your life and how you affect those around you. This takes considerable courage to walk through the black times. Its an invisible courage and a long private battle with only one or two others as companions and witnesses. You will not have encouragement and praise as if you were in a marathon. So take heart, others have made the long journey and seen the other side. You will be so glad you did as well! Thank you for sharing.
Wil, you seem to be experiencing firsthand something that too few people understand — that wealth and fame are lousy goals by themselves, as they are merely “multipliers” of whatever state you are in. If your work makes you unhappy, yet it brings you wealth and/or fame, you’ll just find more intense and more public ways to be unhappier, and you’ll become alienated from yourself.
Reading this blog, I get a clear sense that you delight in words in much the same way that some of your friends delight in film. Embrace that. You mentioned mindfulness in your post; don’t forget that Right Livelihood stands alongside mindfulness as a key to fulfillment and growth. With resolve and effort, you can align your livelihood with your love of language and have the fulfilling career that YOU want to have. Not that your mother wanted to have through you. But I can assure you, from my own experience, that if your past is causing you to feel guilt about admitting that you have your OWN likes and your OWN goals, and is sabotaging your ability to enjoy the words that you know you love, it’s well worth doing the work to heal the wounds and de-fuse the triggers.
A few years ago, I was earning a low-six-figure annual income doing work that I hated. Yes, I was “privileged” to have that work, but it was an ironic privilege as I came to realize that my work was ruining me. I quit my job, went to graduate school, and am now earning less than half of what I used to earn… but my new career is not just aligned with my heart and my values; it gives me enough free time to spend with my loved ones and to pursue a couple of “life’s work” projects that move me. I couldn’t have done that while I was trying so hard to live someone else’s life, and to live it by someone else’s values. I had to find a new network of supportive friends and colleagues, who have been with me as I have reinvented myself and healed old wounds.
There are any number of people who begin their professional lives as actors but later move on to whatever truly fulfills them. Some write, some direct, some produce, and many others leave the entertainment industry altogether. No guilt, no blame. At least you can be glad that your mother’s malign influence led you to do some REALLY GOOD WORK that has touched people. And it was YOU who did the work. At most, she drove you (literally by car, and figuratively by the gaslighting), but it was YOUR good work. Now it’s time for you to do the good work that drives YOU, whatever it may be. I just hope you keep up with this blog or something like it, to share your journey with us.
Anxiety and depression will always try to convince you that the best place for you to be is alone; that the safest way forward is a retreat; and that your struggles are insurmountable special cases. They’re lying. It’s important to remind yourself throughout the healing process: Remember that the best place to be is in a supportive environment with loved ones; the safest way forward is with accomplishment-driven babysteps; and refusing to over-complicate issues resolves most struggles because they’re not unique and others can help.
Like you, I’ve cocooned most of my life and I’m realizing what should’ve been obvious from the beginning: hiding resolves nothing, procrastination makes things worse, tiny-accomplishments-made-everyday build a life worth sharing, and sharing for the benefit of others leads to moments of genuine happiness. Something tells me that you already understand these things or you wouldn’t be able to enjoy (gratefully or otherwise) any of your privileges, but sometimes we need reminders. I know I do.
A young co-worker of mine admitted his depression to me over the holidays. I offered him some advice in the hope he wouldn’t hit any of the same pitfalls I’ve experienced. Perhaps you’ll get something from the words, too?
“Depression demands we hide the source of our shame away from the world. And sometimes we are overwhelmed and have no choice but to give in, lest we expose our weakness to those that would exploit it. But acquiescing to this order for more than a day or two invites disaster. Dignity and satisfaction wane rapidly when your only companion is self-loathing. Friendships, poorly watered, wither. Loves fade. Professional progress stalls and long-term prospects vanish. In such a way, a week becomes a month, then a year or even a decade, a life full-of-promise might reinvent itself as something pitiable.
It could be said that all we have is momentum. We must care for it. Persistently build on it. Value and respect it, because it will shape the quality of our lives. Push-starts are rare– a function of birthright– and almost never revisit. They cannot be relied upon. Stay vigilant. Make a conscious effort to progress your career, family and social life any time you can endure that progress, because there’s no guarantee for a tolerable life in this country. Health, freedom and personal-fulfillment can all be stolen from you in a moment of remiss. Disallow regression. Your life depends on it.”
Too stark? Probably. But that’s anxiety for ya….
Have a great newyear Mister Wil of the Wheaton. I’m rooting for you! You deserve joy as much as anyone.
This was a beautiful read and I could relate to so very much of it. Sometimes I have to be patient with where I am knowing that one day I’ll be another place with different things that call to me to be done and lived. Thank you for sharing this, keep well 🌷
You have quite a treasure there in that Horadric cube!
This spoke to me on a deep level. All of it. I haven’t been reading like I used to. I want to write, but I haven’t in months. I loved Stephen King’s On Writing…perhaps I should pick that up again. It just might inspire me. Also, I should definitely start walking again…been years.
That’s awesome and a great goal.
When you said you couldn’t find time to read, I was about to suggest audio books. 🙂 So glad that was your actual answer. I hope you can keep up with it.
Speaking of audiobooks… I’m wrapping up an SF/techno-thriller and would love to discuss having you perform it. Please point me toward the appropriate hoops so that I may begin jumping through them. 🙂
Oh interesting! I listened to the original audiobook of the Martian twice I loved it so much. I put your version on my wishlist because I love your narration style too. Did you love the Forward books? Oh, I so enjoyed them! They were great fun. I still think a lot about them and they got me into Blake Crouch, who I like a lot now too. I wrote about them on my blog not too long ago. https://www.spajonas.com/2019/11/14/book-chat-50/ Hope you enjoy your reading time!
If someone gives me $10,000, I will somberly read and reread the lyrics to Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” locked in a honeybucket for 24 straight hours in a garbage and shit-strewn snow covered field in rural China. Then I’ll release it as an MP3 and you can listen to it when you fawkers peloton.
I have PTSD and I have a lot of trauma I have been dealing with in therapy for over 30 years. I am still healing at 46 years old. One thing I discovered recently that helps break the tension being in Grad School is Singing. I recently discovered the Smule app from my friend from YouNow who live-streams music. His name is John and he is from England and he started sharing Duets he sings with people around the world using the Smule app in my Artist’s Way Circle. I listened to his Duets. I was intrigued and it looked like fun. So I signed up. And before I knew it 8 hours went by and I recorded 21 solos and Duets tracks and videos. Just the act of singing lowered my stress levels, relaxed me, and I had fun! I showed my neighbors Katie and Wanda my Duets Videos I made with Singer JMC and they told me they we were very good and sounded like I recorded them in a studio. Then the three of us started singing songs together from midnight to 3 am today. We laughed so hard! I don’t have to go alone to some strange bar to sing karaoke. I can sing at home with Katie and Wanda and have a great time!
Also if you haven’t done a WRAP Wellness Recovery Action Plan by Mary Ellen Copeland, ask your therapist about it. Basically it describes your wellness tools that keep you well, early warnings signs, pre crisis, crisis, and post crisis. You can put your reading into your Wellness Tool Box. Try at least to come up with 20 things that are fun that you can do to keep you well. Show your therapist and loved ones so they can help remind you about your wellness tools when you are down. If you have an iPhone the WRAP app is free for your phone. You can fill it out at your leisure and it is always with you on your phone. Share with your therapists and loved ones. Blessed Be! 💕 Wenona – White Turtle Rainbow 🌈
On the topic of depression, seen this?
Stanford’s Sapolsky On Depression in U.S. (Full Lecture)