I spent almost the entire day, yesterday, working really hard on something really awesome that I can’t talk about.
It felt so good to be working, to be creating something I know will eventually entertain people when it’s released. It was several days of prep and several hours of work, and I am grateful for every minute of it, because during the time I was working, I was focused on creating and entertaining. For a few hours, I didn’t have the overwhelming sense of doom and hopelessness that’s been knocking on my door for weeks. I’m grateful for that.
And yet, here I am, not even 24 hours later, right back in fear and worry.
For almost five months now, there’s been little to separate one day from another. Every day is a struggle to stay positive, and remember that there’s a small circle around Things I Can Affect, and a huge circle around Things I Can Do Absolutely Nothing About. I can usually accept that, but this week, Things I Can Do Absolutely Nothing About has just been too much to handle, and I feel like I’m going to cry, all the time.
I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’m struggling every single day with depression, feeling overwhelmed, low-key anxiety and the persistent background buzz of fear.
I know this doesn’t make me special, and I know that things could be so much worse (and I know that they are for so many people. I’m grateful I’m not one of them).
But I’m a person, and I bleed just like anyone else does, and I am just having the hardest time staying positive. I’m scared, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m overwhelmed, and I’m doing everything I can to not slide into depression and despair, but today, I am REALLY feeling it.