I spent almost the entire day, yesterday, working really hard on something really awesome that I can’t talk about.
It felt so good to be working, to be creating something I know will eventually entertain people when it’s released. It was several days of prep and several hours of work, and I am grateful for every minute of it, because during the time I was working, I was focused on creating and entertaining. For a few hours, I didn’t have the overwhelming sense of doom and hopelessness that’s been knocking on my door for weeks. I’m grateful for that.
And yet, here I am, not even 24 hours later, right back in fear and worry.
For almost five months now, there’s been little to separate one day from another. Every day is a struggle to stay positive, and remember that there’s a small circle around Things I Can Affect, and a huge circle around Things I Can Do Absolutely Nothing About. I can usually accept that, but this week, Things I Can Do Absolutely Nothing About has just been too much to handle, and I feel like I’m going to cry, all the time.
I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’m struggling every single day with depression, feeling overwhelmed, low-key anxiety and the persistent background buzz of fear.
I know this doesn’t make me special, and I know that things could be so much worse (and I know that they are for so many people. I’m grateful I’m not one of them).
But I’m a person, and I bleed just like anyone else does, and I am just having the hardest time staying positive. I’m scared, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m overwhelmed, and I’m doing everything I can to not slide into depression and despair, but today, I am REALLY feeling it.
Ah, Wil. I don’t follow you because you are cheerful and funny (though you certainly have been, and will be again). I follow you because you say important things. This, here, is a Very Important Thing that everyone I talk with is echoing. These times make comfort, ease, and pleasure distant memories.
I remind myself that we definitely need change in many areas, and change makes most people uncomfortable. Make no mistake: we are on the cusp of massive change. In the meantime we must help where we can. We must find ways to look forward. We must endure.
You help me endure. Thank you.
Dude. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine what it would be like as an entertainer with depression and anxiety. It’s exhausting pouring from an empty cup. I don’t follow you that closely so I don’t know what you’ve already tried to feel better. I hate taking medications but my depression and anxiety got so bad that I had to get on something. I’ve tried many different meds and finally found the right balance for me with prozac and Buspar. You HAVE to get the kind of help that really works for you. Breathing exercises, therapy, meditation, yoga, sunlight, running, healthy diet, cannabis…all can help…but you can’t cure these monsters. You have to learn how to live with them and give yourself grace. It’s a frustrating rollercoaster that I know too well. Please remember that there are an insane amount of people out there who would be so pained to hear what you’re going through, many of whom probably have the same story. You’re not alone. Keep speaking out. You never know who needs to hear this.💗
Wil we all love you dude,its very strange and tough times..They will pass,We will get a decent President in a few months..Hang tight Wil you can do it for us.
Wil, you have already done the first two steps. You realize and acknowledge that you are struggling, and then you reached out to share and accept support from those who care and love you. We are all in this together and if we help each other, we will make it through to better days.
Good lord Wil, I am right there with you. I even have the f’ing TINY circle of things I can control taped to my damn monitor and yet my brain keeps focusing on all the stuff outside that damn little tiny circle. Sigh. When it gets to be too much, I go find another voting rights org and make a donation. I wish I could say it made me feel a little better but it usually doesn’t. The only thing I can say is it is inside my tiny circle.
Courage, mon frère. We can get through this together.
Wil, my 11 year old son ((in the UK) has just discovered TNG and loves it, he thinks Wesley is great and is a cool geek in the making. We bought your audiobooks and you are a real role model to him now. He looks up to you, has recently found your site as he wanted to know what you look like now (“he looks nice”). You are a force for good in this world, in however small you may think a way, you have a voice that reaches across the world to generations. I wish you all the best and we are sending positive thoughts to you from our small part of the world, all we can do is try and make our own part of it as good as possible, and it looks to us that you are indeed doing that x
It’s so powerful to read that someone I look up to is suffering just the same as I, thank you for sharing this. I’ll endeavour to find more time to create and see if that helps
Happy Birthday Wil. Your posts circa 2006 helped me work through my own dark night of the soul, so thanks for that. I made a thing too that I think you will enjoy when it gets set free womaninmotionmovie.com. Doc about Nichelle and NASA. I think we tried to connect with you on this but its a blur. Shit gets better (eventually)
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1
Don’t know if will help, but maybe you have a piece of corn under your fridge.
Happy birthday! I hope you’re feeling better.
I get it, and we all feel you. I keep having to remind myself that we are in it together. I’m a mom, and I’m an epidemiologist on a team conducting surveillance of pediatric COVID-19 incidence, hospitalization/PICU, and mortality trends in the US. It is a blessing and a curse. It is hard to see the numbers each day. Anxiety is my daily default setting, and periodic difficult cries are at once necessary and unavoidable. It’s frustrating as hell to hear claims about how risks for kids is very low, when said claims are based on observational studies conducted in countries with low transmission. That notion isn’t generalizable to kids residing in parts of the US where community transmission is high. I read stories about the kids and teens behind the mortality numbers today, and I just cried, feeling profoundly sad, helpless and angry. We truly are each other’s keepers, and our success in beating this virus is predicated upon recognizing the multiple ways our actions and health are intertwined and impact one another. None of us is an island. Only together can we succeed.
.
I’m feeling the same way, brother. I’m unemployed and almost bankrupt. My 14-year-old truck is going out on me, and I think I may have that COVID-19 crap. But I’m still moving along. It’s tough, but I don’t want to give up on myself and my writing. I have too many stories I want to write. I promised my father (among many others) I’d be a professional writer and I don’t want to disappoint him in memory.
Yes, it’s hard to stay positive when everything around you seems to be going to hell. But it’s okay to say you don’t feel good; don’t pretend all is great when it isn’t. The worst thing anyone can do is ignore reality and behave as if everything is just great. Just don’t do anything stupid to yourself! I know that’s easier said than done. I’ve been on the brink myself several times these past few weeks, but I keep pulling back.
Don’t leave us, man! Please don’t.
Reaching out to you from across the country, where I feel the same way Wil. We owe it to our kids, our spouses, our friends, and ourselves to remember that there is always hope that things will get better. Election day is less than 100 days from now and thousands of scientists are working on vaccines around the clock. There are reasons to hope. You’ve done things that shared joy with a lot of people, including me; thank you for that. In fact, I think it is fair to say you’ve helped inspire me to start writing again. It is hard for almost everyone now in different ways, the only thing we can’t do is give in to despair.
I’m sorry to hear you have a tough time. Hopefully it will pass, until then, please take it moment to moment. I only read your post, because we chose to re-watch star trek. So adorable. Although then I thought you were uber cool. Now I’m awwwwing and ohhhhing. And of course realizing that those were moments long ago. So keep hanging in there please, nobody has the answer, but we all hope for a next better moment. Hang on.
I don’t really have anything to add that others have said more eloquently, but my thoughts are with you.
I’ll add some more levity, as Raymond did earlier and ask you:
Why did the firefighter wear red suspenders?
.
.
.
To keep her trousers up!
A very nice post; I was particularly engaged by the opening paragraph where you demonstrated to yourself and others the value of working on a creative project. If there is such a thing as a silver lining to this engagement with rampant disease it is the many of us are led back to the value of creative activity(which has been short-changed over the last decade.) I don’t have the talents and skills that you have, but I find small, creative acts yield satisfaction and a small sense of control, enough so that I find enjoyment in my days in spite of or because the current situation. Today I made a miniature water garden, wrote 1000 words of the most execrable novel ever written and read P. G. Wodehouse for laughs. I keep my television tuned off the news and onto old black and white comedies.
Dear Wil,
A belated happy birthday!
These are indeed distressing and uncertain times. But you must not lose hope – especially now. Everything that is good and worth living for in this world comes from hope. Keep on being creative and kind to others – therein lies the key to overcoming fear and adversity. A very great man once said:
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it – always.”
His name was Mahatma Gandhi.
With every best wish.
I sure appreciate you sharing the struggles and the joys. Hope there are more joys ahead. Happy birthday!
Please rest and try to do things that make you feel better, loved and cherished. I hope you can crawl quickly out of that bad place your mind is putting you trough, so that you can just try to enjoy the small pleasures of life.
Think of the times you overcame certain obstacles or hardships. Feel yourself stronger for those accomplishments and be proud, since even the smallest of steps is a success in life.
Remember, you are good, you are cared for, you are worth it.
You are a person just like everyone else as you said…and for that reason like everyone else you sometimes need to feel others people warmth around you. Here we are…stay positive my friend. Stay positive because you, like very few other people in this world, are one of our generation Great, and I mean it. You are symbol and reassurance for our spirit and soul, even for an old school italian nerd like me.
Thank you, mate.
For everything.
Sending love to you and yours to stay strong together. Keep on keeping on – it’s all you can do for now.
Please know you are loved and enough.
Sorry to see this Wil. I hope you feel better and can find comfort. I know you are not religious, but I will pray for you today.
It is the strangest time for sure.
15 years from now there are going to be so many stories going around, essays written, about what everyone has been going through. Studies even, about human behavior and psychology.
My ups and downs have had to rhythm. No reason. I got hit hard on Wednesday night for some reason. SOME reason, but NO reason. Everything was fine, nothing crazy going on, but I got hit and it took me out. Not the worst I have had, but the idea that it came so completely out of nowhere threw me for a loop.
Usually when they hit out of nowhere, they SEEM to hit out of nowhere. So while I am trying to talk myself down from it all I think back on everything going on leading up to it and find a thing (or things) that set the situation in motion.
But not this week. There was nothing.
I think that is the issue. We have even less ups and downs these days. We just have…this, whatever it is. Where locking down, staying home, limiting contact may have seemed like it would be an easy vacation, of sorts, from the usual day to day stuff, we aren’t just experiencing less choppy, rough waters to deal with, but waters so calm and “the usual” right now that it has become “stagnant water” where something is festering underneath.
All I can say is: Hang in there, to you and anyone reading this. Seriously, that is all we can do is recognize we are living through one of the strangest times in our lives, this is not normal, and there is no playbook on how to handle it.
Make it up as you go along, as I suspect everyone else is from time to time these days.
Well said
Hey man here is something that might help you.
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_cope_with_uncertainty?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utm_campaign=89d1189415-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_GG_Newsletter_July_28&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-89d1189415-50829947
It comes from University of California Berkley and they are all about happiness.
Everything is going to work out!
I’m right there with you, man. And given the number of comments here, you have concrete proof that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Not that telling you “misery loves company” suddenly makes everything in your life happy and fluffy. But, I deeply admire your expressions (as they strongly mirror my own) and wish I had the platform (and the chutzpah) to do the same. Hang in there, Wil. May you feel inner peace and completely loved. Warm greetings from the East Coast.
I can empathize. Lockdown allowed me to curl inward and let my agorophobia escalate. Local grocery store delivers for 3.99. So I didn’t go out into the wide world at all for over two months. I had gone off my meds in february because I was having surgery. But I didn’t go back on them afterwards. Because everything was fiiiiiiinnne. I had a job I loved in the ER. But then I got furloughed, then laid off. I’m not going to lie Marge…the unemployment money was sweet. But then a month or so ago I started having auditory and visual hallucinations. Started out as faint music that I could just barely hear, almost like I had accidentally turned on my clock radio at the lowest volume (Narrator: it wasn’t). I had them before when I was at stressful points in my life. Then it escalated, there was singing that I just couldn’t make out the words. Then I could make out the words. It’s still amazing that it was all coming from my stupid brain. I heard Barney (purple dinosaur, not Neal Patrick Harris) singing “run for your life” cheerfully. Then the children would sing the chorus “You’ll be happy when you’re dead”. Which was a recurring theme. I wish I could have recorded it. Had an old timey radio guy with static doing that megaphone thing. Angry rapper (who had some sweet lines, so that’s somewhere in my brain). Religious hymns. AAt one point I had the Andrews Sisters singing boogie woogie bugle boy for 3 hours. Then it escalated further. There was harmonica. The second most antisocial instrument. And then the shadow octopus spider creatures on the ceiling. I knew it was a hallucination, but at 3 am who isn’t going to get a little doubtful…you really consider the possibility that dark forces are creeping in from outside the universe, through the cracks in reality. Had a suicide attempt that was interrupted by a person from Porlock. Son called 911 from NC for a wellness check. Troops were mobilized. I have had long hair which I would just tie back in a ponytail and when it got long enough I would donate it to Wigs for kids. Been doing that since I was 19 and my grandmother died of leukemia. That was 30 years ago. Anyway, my hair had fused into this tangle/snarl because I wasn’t taking care of myself, just laid there and listened to my ac unit sing to me. Had to be cut out and now I have short hair which is driving me nuts (or just more nuts)
So, off to the looney bin (been there twice before…I got the trifecta now.). Got back on new meds, haven’t seen/heard anything in two weeks. And although I am out of the BSU, I go for the Partial Hospitalization program every weekday from 830 to 1230. It’s been rough because of the agorophobia and I have to take a medicaid cab to get there and back and I’m terrified riding in vehicles smaller than a bus. Step by step. Reading your blog reminds me that it’s not at all unusual to have these struggles. You’re an inspiration. Keep on doing Wil.
GEKWATARU: I’m glad someone took the time to reach out to help you and that you’re on the mend. I can identify with your experience and am finding that those like us who tend toward agoraphobia and isolating are having a particularly hard time right now. We’re being forced to isolate which makes the agoraphobia even worse.
I’ve been being treated for depression/anxiety for 24 years now. It started after I had my thyroid irradiated. Except for the first serious episode following the thyroid treatment, every other serious episode has followed a discontinuing of a medication. And I’ve always changed up medications only with my doctor’s direction and/or knowledge. The last time I tried a medication change I ended up in an 8 month long serious depression. I will NEVER do that again!
Although inpatient treatment is important when necessary, I’ve found partial day treatment to be the most helpful because it forces you to maintain a routine, be responsible to others, and not isolate. And I’ve always liked the people in my groups.
Both NAMI and DBSA are having online support groups.
Please keep taking your medication people!!
And if you’re not feeling 100% like it’s still hard to go out or take a taxi, tell your doctor and make sure he/she tries to correct it. There’s a movement in the mental health world that we shouldn’t have to accept ‘good enough’ anymore.
Thank you for being you and letting us know how you were feeling.
Not sure if you will see this but I will share how I found your content:
For the past 3 months I have happily, repeatedly binged TNG. I loved it 30 years ago and again I look forward to every replay. To the bemusement of my children I find every aspect of the show soothing. Every space-time continuum conundrum, music score, and smile from Wesley is daily medicine.
Your smile makes my soul smile! I am enamoured with the entire cast of TNG but it’s you who prompted me to search your current happenings. I’m not a devout social media person and these crazy days I limit even more. So, I just discovered you had a blog.
More importantly, I just discovered that this relative stranger, to whom I am drawn, also lives with and overcomes depression and anxiety.
My whole life I have battled Major depressive disorder, suicidal ideation, and the lasting affects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES). I work to let people know having a mental illness is no shame and living is worth it, suicide lies, down days may seem endless but life is worth living.
When I watched my reruns tonight, had no idea I would end up feeling such a solidarity and respect for you. Thank you for putting yourself out there. I am proud of your strength in this life.
After reading about some things you’ve been through, I know why I am drawn to your smile. I don’t believe in coincidence. Sharing that you are down helps us know it’s ok we feel like this too. Its a very loving feeling when you hear, ‘it’s okay’. Its a step off our own backs. We will get through this. I hope you in turn feel cradled and supported too.
I am grateful you have stayed through every hurt and adversity because your existence has enriched my life. Never doubt the power of what you’ve done. There is so much we cannot control, but even the small things have ripple effects.
Happy belated birthday, hope you feel better.
Thinking of you Wil, and hoping for an improved day for the next day, one day at a time!
Wil. We feel for you. I wake up with this many mornings. Just a crush of anxiety and fear and inadequacy. I have been talking to my coach about it, she says a lot, a lot of it comes from the body, and then the mind twists and uses that energy for what it will. It hasn’t helped me yet but she says maybe breathing exercises and other movement stuff could help. I’m starting to explore it
I know you didn’t asked for advice, and I know real clinical depression is a bitch. Just thought I’d share something I’m working through. Maybe will help you feel not alone
I am reading this days later, because email lately has been the big impossible thing. I hope that you’ve had some good moments between then and now, that things are maybe a little easier, and that the coping skills you fought hard to learn are helping.
Expand your garden. Working with the dirt can help. start planning your fall garden. It’s not much, and it’s all I can offer. Hang in there! We love you, Wil Wheaton!
Wil,
I think you should stop qualifying your feelings with “I know other people have it worse”. I say that only because while that is true, it shouldn’t discount how you feel. I also think that talking about depression and other mental health issues is helpful for other people. Thank you!
I relate to these feels so much, Wil, and it is awesome that you share them with the world so that others like me can know that we aren’t the only ones who feel that way.
I had to create a project for myself to deal with my anxiety and depression – I’m very unemployed and watching the world be what it is around me and there’s so very, very little that I can control, less than there used to be. I needed to occupy my mind and my time, but my normal outlet of creating art wasn’t feeling right for this moment- I couldn’t find the stillness I need. So I started a new project.
For the first few weeks of the project, an online fundraiser for my local Meals on Wheels, I had a sense of purpose and drive and it lifted me and focused me.
But a combination of hitting some roadblocks, general exhaustion from sustaining a workload I’m not used to for weeks on end and too much doom-scrolling has me once again down in the depths. Motivation and interest is zapped, my stores of confidence and hope are low and the Impostor Police have showed up to knock on my figurative door and demand to know just where I got the notion that I could pull this off.
And I still have two weeks to go until the virtual silent auction launches and so many frakkin emails to send to ask businesses who are barely hanging on to donate to a very worthy cause and… and… I just don’t have the spoons left…
… so I’ll take the rest of today off and snuggle my cats and my bf and recharge, and allow tomorrow to be another day in which I give staying positive my best shot.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, we all benefit from knowing we aren’t alone in our bouts of despair.
Whenever I feel extra, I tell myself, “It’s an Fing pandemic”. This is like nothing we’ve ever experienced. You aren’t failing by not being ok. Those of us who struggle, and can even consistently tread water usually, are doubling down on the underwater paddling.
Hi Wil. This was a month ago now. Hope you are in a better place. Try this, even if you are in a good place now. Find a favorite QUIET place where you like to be. Shut out/off all outside influences (wife, kids, dog, phones) – use noise blocking headphones – they work for me. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and think about relaxing your forehead and shoulders. Think ‘loosen up frown muscles’ and ‘rag doll’. You’re going stealth mode, so quiet everything, muscles, nerves, inside voices. If you need to, politely ask them to co-operate. Draw a few slow, deep breaths to clear your mind while you think of clearing the slate … wiping off the blackboard … re-formatting the hard drive. Think of nothing. After a time, when you feel ready, open your eyes. Process all POSITIVE things you see. Don’t allow any NEGATIVE things you can see, to attach to this process. Picture them behind a door and shut them out as kindly as you can. Politely, calmly TELL THEM (using your voice), you are not allowing them in. Lock the door. Affirm your body/self. Head to toe. Be thankful for all of your parts and all of your being. Now access what you know is good about yourself and your place in the world. Think only of what you have given that has made others feel worthy or happy. Think of good friends and warm moments. Think of the good things you have learned and the wonderful things that amaze you. Gradually place yourself back in the real world. Ask yourself for the continuing strength of your body, your learning process and your trusted family and friends. None of this works if you don’t try it. I don’t know you. I stumbled onto your website and felt compelled to read your story. Something told me I had to make an effort to share this with you. Affirmations are a super way to open up our acceptance valves. We require this tool to see ourselves and others properly. Some people search frantically for happiness. You should let it come to you slowly after you have been injured. Yoga would be good for you as well. Bless you. Namaste.
I strongly feel this.
It truly is a toxic and draining world out there these days, I know what you’re feeling all too well.
I am so excited to learn about the project you are currently working on once you can talk about it! During this period of time, I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks. Two of my favorites (The Martian and Ready Player One) were read by you. Thank you for sharing your talents with the world. During this period of uncertainty, I’ve enjoyed escaping into stories that are engaging and allow me to experience other times and places. Your work has certainly helped me do that.
I am absolutely with you, Wil. I’ve been feeling the same way for the past few months. It’s really helpful for me to know that so many other people are also going through this. Even though we’re separated, we are not alone. Also thank you so much, as always, for being so open and vulnerable in your blog posts. It means so much, especially as someone who also has anxiety and depression. Hoping that things get better soon for everyone.
Wil, You shouldn’t be feeling that low; maybe you’ve been pushing yourself too hard and just need a couple days of solid sleep, without worrying that you’re neglecting your family. Your wife will understand. Maybe you need an adjustment on your dose of anti-depressant. (Saying this from the point of view of a medical practitioner), your body gets so used to things after a while and meds need tweaking. Just a thought. Take care sweetie.