I feel like I’m always the last person to learn about something, and that makes me reluctant to share things that now seem obvious to me. But I feel like a lot of y’all who read this page are similar to me in some ways, and maybe you’ll be glad to know about this, if you don’t already.
I saw a post on Tumblr about something called “revenge bedtime procrastination”. The original term in in a non-English language that I don’t speak or write, but that’s the closest we can get to a literal translation.
Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, which has a much more beautiful name in Chinese (the literal translation for revenge bedtime procrastination means “suffering through the night vengefully.”), is a phenomena unique to people who feel out of control in their daily lives, so we refuse to go to sleep early, to exert some control over our lives, and to enjoy some quiet time alone, when the rest of our people are sleeping.
I’ve always identified as a night owl. I’ve always had trouble falling asleep, and as long as I can remember, I prefer to sleep from about 0100 to about 0930 or 1000. I’ve been like that my whole life, and until I heard about this sleep revenge procrastination, I didn’t know why.
But now it all makes sense. When I was a kid, I lived in an environment where I was decidedly not in control, nor did I feel safe and loved. The man who was my father was a relentless bully who delighted in mocking me, teasing me, making me cry, as he made it crystal clear that he did not approve of, or love me. He made it very clear that I was not enough for him, through direct and indirect actions that have left me with a deeply painful wound that I don’t know will ever heal. Now, I know he had love to give, because he gave it freely to my siblings. He worshiped my brother, who grew up to be exactly like him, and I never saw him be cruel, dismissive, or disdainful toward my sister. It was just me, for some reason. And my mother did nothing to protect me, or to call out his emotionally abusive behavior. He was endlessly cruel and emotionally abusive to me, but they convinced themselves that, because he didn’t leave marks when he grabbed me in anger, he wasn’t actually, you know, abusive. Angrily shaking me by my shoulders, jabbing me in the sternum while he raged at me, calling me names like “dumb little fuck” all seems like abuse to me. They say I’m too sensitive. More than once, they told me I made it up.
News flash: the man who was my father was abusive to me, and my mother let it happen. Worse, she gaslighted me about it when I came to her for help.
So my waking hours in my childhood home just sucked. When I was a child, I’d retreat into my bedroom and read books, design D&D characters and dungeons, and escape into my imagination, but there was always the threat of that man walking in and mocking me for existing.
As a result, I developed this Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, which gave me truly free and quiet moments of relief from his cruelty and her manipulation, when they were asleep and I was the only person who was awake in the house. That’s when I could write, when I could read books, when I could listen to music, when I could exist as a human being who wasn’t always afraid.
Today, I love my life and my family. I couldn’t be happier about my career. I mean, right now things are generally not great for all of us, and I’m ready for our current trauma to be over, but if the dual traumas of pandemic and Fascism were removed, my life would be really great, in no small part because I have no relationship with my abusers.
And yet, I still struggle to fall asleep before 0100, even with the help of my CBD tinctures and meditation. It’s something I’ve lived with my whole life, and something I never truly understood, until I read this post I referenced above.
I don’t know if, now that I know this is a thing, I can start working to convince myself I don’t need that time like I did then, because I am in a house filled with love, shared with a partner who won’t ever hurt me. I don’t know if I’m going to ever be a person who can fall asleep easily, or before the middle of the night, but at least I know WHY I am the way that I am, and that makes me feel a little less broken and weird.
I have always been a night owl and I had no idea that there was a deeper reason for it until reading this post. I think that for me some of the reason for me is that I’ve dealt with undiagnosed/misdiagnosed autism and sensory processing issues my entire life. I just self diagnosed late last year. My need to stay up late was probably partially out of a need for some quiet time to process and deal with my daily sensory overload. My not great living situation growing up and being bullied all the way through school didn’t help either. My living situation has changed drastically in the last few years and with it my sleep schedule was forced to change as well. (This was only achieved by several medications and melatonin.) My husband and I were forced to move across the country and move in with family (the same environment I grew up in) and have only very recently been able to get a space of our own again. I have tried to find the same enjoyment in the quiet of the early morning after my husband leaves for work, but I think I will always naturally be a night owl. There is just something fundamentally different between the time after everyone has gone to bed and the time before most people have woken up.
Wow, thank you so much for posting about this Will because it is exactly what I do every night and have been for a while now. I knew I was doing it, and partially understood in the back of my mind what was happening. But this helps me understand it a lot. You see, a few years ago I was diagnosed with ME, a dehabilitating condition which means my body is basically like a broken battery. I can sleep for 12+ hours and I never recharge properly. That’s a very over simplified example and there’s a lot more to it, but it means I feel like I never have enough time for anything and I’m not in control of my own life. This year through therapy for depression and PTSD I learned that taking back control was significant so even though my fiance isn’t actually asleep (chronic insomnia, poor dude) everyone else in the neighbouring flats are finally blissfully quiet.
So thank you Will, for helping me fill in another little piece of the puzzle in the journey of self-healing I’ve been working through this year and best wishes as you continue on your own <3
I’m so glad to know this has a name. I find that I’m more prone to RBP when my personal well is nearly empty and I need more self care. I wish you the very best with becoming your best self. I love following you and Ann on Instagram.Be well.
Examining underlying reasons for our own behavior is super difficult without some external influence. Way to go finding and sharing this.This framework fits exactly what I feel at night, and you dont need to have really bad experiences to feel shitty and out of control.
Personally, I find that listening to an audiobook I’ve heard a lot is like im still consuming media yet I don’t care enough to stay up.
So, thanks for narrating Ready Player One. I’ve listened to that a lot! (Although its more often Jim Dale’s narration of Harry Potter to be honest).
Yes, the Harry Potter books have been my go-to reading whenever I feel overwhelmed. After 9/11, I had to turn off the TV which was 24×7 showing the attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. I retreated into the books, reading the entire series back-to-back. Later, I got copies of all of the Jim Dale narrated versions and have listened to them multiple times. I’ll stick my headphones on and go for a walk in one of the nearby parks. It’s the best stress reliever for me.
Another long time reader, first time commenting. Like so many others, just wow. What you describe is 1000% me. Same circumstances: abuse. During the few periods of my life when I have felt safe and secure, it’s abated and I can sleep earlier (11, Midnight). When less so, later bedtimes, minimum 1am. Thank you for a great insight. Namaste 🙏🏼
Thanks!
This struck home deeply. I’ve always been a night owl too and while my abuse as a kid wasn’t as dire as yours Wil, it’s haunted me through my 40 years and has definitely left mental scars on me. Depression & anxiety for certain, though might be my chronic pain links too, time and testing will tell there. I’ve had insomnia on and off for a while now. The last 2 months especially as we’ve been in Stage 4 lockdown here in my corner of Australia has only intensified it. I’m regularly up til 3am or later and getting up 3-5 hours afterward and not feeling rested ever. The nightmares over the last week have grown more vivid and intense, one so bad I woke feeling like I might’ve had a stroke or some such, was truly terrifying.
So worried about friends & family being sick, especially our dear mutual friend, I think it’s manifesting stronger than ever.
I can say I’m safe in many ways (though out of work) and should be able to know I don’t need to be up so late. That I could be more productive and happy if I had normal hours. I just don’t know how to switch my system to know it’s okay to.
I just need a light at the end of this tunnel that’s not an oncoming train…
Fingers crossed as I take in this new food for thought…
Hi Wil: I don’t know if you mean you feel like the last one to find out about something regarding things in general or about things related to depression/anxiety and psychology. When I was young I had a family member who had mental illness so when I started having symptoms I kind of already knew the program and the lingo or jargon. I’ve been in hundreds of group therapy sessions over the years and I thought I had heard it all but I’m not familiar with the term Revenge Bedtime Procrastination. I too am a night owl and sleep about 1a to 10 a (I wonder if that is the preferred time frame for Revenge Bedtime Procrastinators). I know it started when I was young because it was too exhausting for me to be ‘on’ all the time and it shortened my exposure to others. However, I know people who grew up doing the opposite and going to bed really early which served the same purpose for them.
I had a similar childhood as you but my mother was the aggressor. I’m the oldest of two and in recent years I asked my mother why she didn’t badger my sister as she did me and she said my sister was always more fragile. Hm. I think I’m 6 or 7 years older than you and I don’t know if it has to do with age or number of years in therapy, but for the last 5 years or so the intensity of the feelings my childhood invoked has lessened (yay me!). And the frequency of the memories has greatly diminished (again, yay me!). So I really believe there’s hope for you.
I was given the impression that I was unacceptable when I was young so my mantra is not ‘I’m acceptable’ or even ‘I’m perfectly acceptable,’ but that ‘I’m MORE than perfectly acceptable.’ Which I am by the way! Everyone else thinks so too (except for maybe 5 people, and so what?).
ps. We may have trained our bodies to be night owls long ago, hence, it has nothing to do with our current life circumstances; plus, Non-24 Sleep-Wake Disorder is a real thing too, even for sighted people).
Aha! I can identify with this! I haven’t read any more than what you wrote, but will…tomorrow (oops. later today). I also have always been a night owl. Since I am married to a ridiculously early lark, this doesn’t work nicely (also our society). I had pretty well shifted my sleep hours earlier in January/February You can guess where that’s gone! And I’ve tried to figure out why I just don’t like to go to bed earlier, coming up with many theories, but not really attaching to any of them. I’m definitely going to research this.
BTW, the Google translation of the Chinese title is “retaliatory staying up late.” I find RBP easier.
Wow, your post brought back some vivid memories of my neighbor family growing up. They had 3 kids. Even though I was closer to the younger boy, one day their middle sib came over and needed a shoulder to cry on. She tried hard to put into words the marginalization she felt from her parents, describing the last Christmas where the oldest daughter got showered with clothes and money. The youngest, the favorite, got a millennium falcon and tons of toys. She got 1 packet of barrettes. I still don’t know how to adequately help someone cope with this except to validate that what they are feeling and experiencing is real and give my sincerest empathy. Very glad you have made the extremely hard, but healthy decision to not have those people in your life any more.
My elderly mother’s childhood included a pediphile stepfather and she’s spent her lifetime resisting sleep. This might explain it.
Late night is a time when my parent won’t try to call me, so I can relax.
Okay, but who gets the burly-beef?
Similar problem here back in my kid days, Wilton. Also did the late night monastery of one.
Today I go to sleep late with a beer, cheetos, and cinnamon roll tincture. They fucked me too, Wil, but it just made me stubborn. I think directed fury at worthy adversaries is a righteous solution to abuse. Resolve and act against the bullies and make it your life’s mission. That’s my take. Become the trusted and feared ally of the oppressed. Too many people succumb, acquiesce, and turn inward from their misery. Turn your pain outward, but make sure and identify the appropriate targets. Otherwise, you’re just another bully. Batman was right.
ALL of your problems, Wilfred Whelan, can be traced to your brazen and irresponsible use of the word “tincture.” Kick that habit and the universe will open up like a porpoise’s vagina on movie night.
I never knew there was a name for this. I did not have the same experiences growing up that you had, but as an adult I have found myself not going to bed when I was tired so many times. Huh. There’s a name for that. I learned something new. Thanks, Wil.
This is the first time I’ve visited your blog–a heavy first post to read, but man–it shows me how authentic a person you are. Having success in your career and family life does not erase these past struggles, for sure. Confronting them now gets you closer to the only true achievement a person can attain in life–the only thing that really matters: Inner Peace. I wish you well on your journey to inner peace, and I hope to meet you one day.
Oh. My. Gosh.
I’ve been thinking/talking about this a fair amount recently, but without the vocabulary or (more importantly) knowledge that it was a ‘real thing’, with which to express it. It bothers me so much that I seem to make myself more unhealthy/unwell making myself stay up so late (or being unable to sleep earlier), but I’ve not really understood why, past a vague feeling of control and calm I get from doing so; especially before the anxiety-ridden next day begins.
I felt a wave of something come over me seeing this; perhaps relief, perhaps shock, but whatever it was, thank you for this.
Man! You nailed it! I’m the same way with sleep and I’ve given up on regulating how much time I’m awake and when I sleep. I had neglectful parents that gas lighted me, said horrible things repeatedly like, “what you want and what you get are two different things.” until it is carved into my sub-conscious. Alcoholics. One reason why I’ve never drank alcohol. They’d mock me, laugh at me. Never taught me anything. Talked bad about me behind my back blaming me for their problems. Isolated me. No friends AT ALL growing up. No siblings. Fed me junk food; now I eat raw produce, drink filtered water. They were both thin and underweight and by 12 I was 100lbs overweight. I realized all this and took the weight off by 16 yet it left me with shell shock and my skin is mush. I’ve never been able to wear clothes and look good, feel sexy, or have anyone touch me. Despite it all, I don’t step on bugs, I embrace grace, I work to serve others. I’ve run my mouth too much. I can blame the stars, and I can’t. You’d never remember but I talked trash to you on twitter 500 years ago. I don’t care if you don’t. Twitter is a whole different topic. I was only on there as warfare because of how corrupt it is; shoving bs back in whoever’s face, ppl with notoriety-mostly politicians and worse. Anyway, it is 4am here. Great read! Holla!!
Hi Wil
I’m a night owl too, but for no particular reason than I seem to prefer it. I thought you might be interested in the following article I came across a little while ago while I was surfing the web:
https://medium.com/@OwnYourReality/scapegoat-golden-child-how-and-why-narcissists-assign-these-roles-and-not-just-in-the-family-f78fe568dfa7
All the best, John
Wow. I never knew this thing had a name. I’ve too have been afflicted (blessed?!?) by it most of my life. It’s good to know I’m not alone in an odd kind of way. Thank you
Wil, thank you. I knew the behavior was to reclaim a bit more of my own time before having to do what I have to in the morning every day. I like this framing – revenge on the world, revenge on myself
Thank you
Thank you, Wil. I am finally re-watching STAND BY ME after all these years. You did such a great job – and it is both painful and insightful to think about the parallels with your personal journey.
Thanks for sharing truth and hope!
Thank you for sharing the pain of your childhood. So many of us can identify with this and it makes us feel so much better not to be alone. I’m a total night owl too and your article has given me some insight as to why. Take care, Wil, and thank you for being you.
Thank you! Now I know, there’s even more than one name and a medical background than just the usual “night owl”. That feels right! Stay safe and best of luck to you! PS: Just that you know, that I loved it so much: I miss Tabletop and Titansgrave. Hope you find the time to play in private with friends and family! Regards, Axel
It’s 1:58 am and I’m still awake, reading this emotional post… Realising that, yes, if you’re the only one awake at night, then no one can hurt, abandon, or otherwise abuse you… Solitude and silence as safety nets, protective shields.
Stay safe,
Good night.
I’m very much not a night owl in my old age but certainly was in my youth. I had always assumed it was just part of aging, but now I wonder.
Wow – it’s fascinating to realize there’s a term for my stubborn inability to sleep when I want. Unlike you I had a trouble free childhood, in that my parents were quiet, kind individuals that always did the best they could to make my brother and I feel loved. And we did. I think the revenge comes from the trials of my adult life, and specifically my marriage. I do love my husband, but he’s always been complicated and sometimes deeply troubled. He was an inconsistent bully to our son, but not our daughter, and I did my best to protect my son when he suffered his father’s dark moods. My husband is much more even-tempered since he retired, and is a lot kinder to our kids. But that war zone created some lingering battle scars for me. My son and I have discussed that time frequently, and he understands his father’s behavior had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is still healing from the insecurities that my husband caused, but seems to gain strength that his dad has remorse for being the sometime asshole. I struggle between resentment for him having put us through that unnecessary abuse, and forgiveness because he’s trying to right that wrong. He requires care from a stroke he had six years ago, so my feelings are all over the place. Most of the time I am coping fairly well, and can function in day to day activities. But then there’s sleeping………..