While watching Discovery to prepare for Ready Room, I had this sudden realization that my journey and Wesley’s journey are almost identical. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it until just now. But check this out.
When we were about 20, we walked away from everything we knew, every expectation that was ever put on us, every person we ever cared about, because we both knew that something was wrong in our lives. We both needed time and space (he needed all of time and space, if you accept my headcanon that he’s a Traveler) to find out who we were, and what was important to us.
Wesley’s bit in Nemesis is not canon, because it was cut. So his whole “I’m going to serve on the Titan” thing we’ve all seen didn’t actually happen. In fact, I think current actual canon is that he wasn’t even there. I think actual current canon is that he is off on some other plane of existence doing donuts on someone’s lawn.
But let’s presume, for a moment, that it actually did happen. I want to talk about how that mirrors my own journey. To get there, let me put his appearance at Troi and Riker’s wedding through my headcanon … uh … headcanonizer.
He’s been off on his own for a long time. He is in touch — barely — with his family, even though he doesn’t serve on their ship or even exist in their reality. He loves them, and he misses them. He wonders if they think about him. He rarely sees them, but when he does, he is so careful about every word he says every choice he makes. He wants to make them proud, though he knows in his heart that he doesn’t have to do anything to achieve that. They love him already. Still, it’s just part of how he’s wired. But he knows he’s loved.
A quick jump cut, now, to me. I’m in my twenties, I’m wearing Wesley’s haircut from The Game and holy shit I have just got to get away from everything. Yeah, it’s mostly my shitty parents, but also it… well, that’s all of it, actually. Every choice I made from my late teens into my early twenties was driven by needing to get away from them and see if I could find myself, find what was important to me. Because what I had been forced to do by them for my whole life wasn’t it. And honestly? I was just so tired of feeling like shit all the time.
Back to Wesley. What he’s been doing his whole life isn’t what was truly important to him, it turns out. Unlike me, he is loved and supported by his mom and all of his father figures. He’s exploring other planes of existence, gaining valuable experience and context that his life had been lacking until that point. I mean, his entire life had been essentially on a starship, doing what other people expected him to do. It’s scary and exhilarating to be Out There, and he discovers this world beyond Nanites and Holodecks and laying in coordinates and impressing people with his science projects. He discovers this world where, as a Traveler, he can actually make a meaningful difference in this universe in a way he never could if he had stayed in Starfleet.
Hi, it’s me again, I’m doing all the stuff that I wrote about in Just A Geek (AND STILL JUST A GEEK WHICH YOU CAN PRE-ORDER NOW THANKS), and I am learning so much about myself. I’m starting to figure out what’s important to me. During this time, I realize how much I love Star Trek and my Star Trek family. I realize that the things associated with Star Trek that hurt me don’t really have anything to do with the show and universe I’ve loved since I was a child, and they have nothing to do with my relationship with the cast. It’s all my parents, a small but relentless group of shitty fans who thought being shitty to a child was great, two greedy and shitty convention promoters who made that child feel unwanted and unworthy, and an executive producer who, like my mother, treated me like a thing. And like my father, didn’t treat me with any kindness, empathy, or respect.
When it was all set out in front of me, I could see the shit that hurt, and I could do the work of separating it from the stuff I loved. WOW was that a lot of work. It’s work that continues, I think.
A significant component of that work was letting go of the shit that hurt. I don’t mean condoning it, I mean not letting it make decisions for me, any more. I had to find a way to stop carrying it, since it didn’t have anything to do with me, in the first place. It was never about me. It was always about the people who hurt me.
I got rid of as much of the shit that hurt as I could, and I looked at all of it, set out in front of me, again. Without all that shit everywhere, what I found was wonderful.
Cut to Wesley, seeing through space and time for the first moment in his new life. He is changed, and he is ready to go home. Not to stay, but to visit, and to love every moment of it while he’s there.
Back to me. I’m ready for it when I am asked to host an after show for Picard. I say yes so fast. I don’t even have to think about it. Are you kidding me? I fucking LOVE Star Trek and you’re telling me I get to be a guy who is not just a Starfleet veteran, but also an unashamed superfan? Who gets to take other nerds into the Room Where It Happens? Yes yes yes a thousand times yes!
And then they ask me to do it again, for Discovery. And then for Lower Decks. And for Prodigy. And Discovery again. And oh my god how is this even real. Maybe I’ll get to do Strange New Worlds. I can not believe this is happening to me.
So, like Wesley, I chose to come back, in a different way. In a different context. As a different, changed, person. What I choose to come back to is everything I loved, and what I have left behind is everything that hurt.
Wesley didn’t need to find he way out of the hurt like I did. He was loved and supported in ways I was not.
But we both left this thing that had been our entire lives, that looked to be the rest of our lives. We left the only thing we knew, because we knew it just wasn’t right for us. I don’t know if it was as risky for him as it was for me. He’s a character. I’m a person.
But if we accept my headcanon, (and if you’re still reading I presume you do) I love it to death that Wesley came back to this thing that he loved, deliberately not the way he was expected to be part of it. The whole “I’m serving on the Titan” thing? I write it out, and just put him at the wedding, in an appropriate uniform, because he loves his family and wants to be with them. I don’t know if he Traveled off again or not, but I know that, when he left that wedding, he knew that he could come back whenever he needed to. He would always have a home with his crew.
And I did the same thing. For him, it’s a cool story arc. For me, it’s one of the most beautiful closings of a circle I’ve experienced to this point in my life.
Now I’m going back to watching Discovery, loooooong before it’s released to the rest of my fellow nerds, because I have the best job in the world. Yes, that was a little bit of a nerd flex. (Disco S4 is AMAZING don’t tell anyone I told you.)
Oh, real quick: don’t read anything into this about the plot of Disco. I have no idea what makes the part of me that writes stuff and thinks about this kind of stuff wake up and go to work, but I know it wasn’t related to the story. I just saw [CHARACTER REDACTED] and my brain was all, “Hey, did you ever think about this?”
That was like 35 minutes ago and I really need to get back to it. I just told Anne, “I should be watching Disco, and instead I’m writing about Wesley and me. This is how you know your husband is, in his heart and soul, a writer.”
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I loved this post, and I LOVE that you can write and write for so many reasons–for us, your fans, for those who need to hear the words, for YOU, and for so much else. Thank you, Wil Wheaton!!! Live long and prosper!!!
I love everything about this so much!
❤️❤️❤️
I’m sure that whatever you choose to do from this point on, you will seek out new life and new civilization, and boldly go where no man has gone before! Too corny? It’s allowed – I’m a nerd too! Good luck in all your future adventures, Wil!
This made me tear up a bit.
Same.
Also, HEADCANON ACCEPTED!
I don’t know why I woke up at 5am and decided to read this, but boy did it give me feels. I think what you described is probably the perfect canon for Wesley. I always really enjoyed the Traveler arc, thinking back it really could have it’s own show and story, there’s just a lot of depth of imagination there. I’m definitely curious what sort of places and things he discovered along the way.
It makes me a bit sad he was cut from the wedding scene but I think from now on I’ll just adopt your headcanon for the whole thing, it makes a lot of sense and gives him some wiggle room.
I am soo looking forward to new Discovery and new Picard. There’s so much good Trek out there now.
Thank you for this Wil. I can relate to trying to follow a path you didn’t love to gain your parent’s attention (which I won’t bore you with), but when I come back to Trek and the nerdy things I love (which were highly discouraged and I was basically shamed for), I feel like, “these people get me.” Thank you for being a part of that.
I love the way your mind works. I love that you’ve come full circle with Star Trek. I LOVE that you’ve been able to let go of the shitty parts so you can just enjoy everything you love. I love the way your emotional journey mirrors my husband’s. It fills me with Hope. Live long & prosper. (I’m not going anywhere that just felt like an opportunity I couldn’t miss. 😁) Oh & have a kick ass Friday!
I doubt you’ll see this, but I wanted to share, re: Wesley.
I’m almost 40 now, and my 10yr, 8yr and 4yr old started watching TNG for the (well their) first time.
Dude, they absolutely love Wesley. Like.. freaking love him. Ep 1 when the character gets on the bridge. he sits and fiddles with the captains chair controls. Like immediately before he fiddled with the controls my eldest was like “oh gosh is he gonna see what…” then Wesley DID, and he was so happy.
They love there is a younger person there trying to help and do things. The character is super inquisitive just like they are. It’s so great. Thanks for doing all that. 🙂
I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about Wesley’s journey other than what you write, (sorry!) but I know your journey. I found your blog when you were active on Fark. Yeah… that long ago. I’ve said before, I love your writing and you’ve been a super fun internet uncle (and auntie anne!). You’ve met my kids. You’ve met my husband. I read your blog, I comment here and on other places in the internet. I send pictures of Dancing Barefoot from across the continents. You go through so much. Some you write about it, and much you don’t. I’m paying attention. I pieced together that you stopped talking to your parents before you said anything official. My heart is so full thinking about the human you are today and how happy you are. I can’t wait to see what’s next for you, my friend.
OMG I loved this! Writing, for us writers, is HOW WE FIGURE OUR SHIT OUT! Sometimes I look at the stuff I’ve written, and can hardly believe those words and feelings came out of me. Forced-upon-us Emotional Repression is quite the giant closet full of boxes marked, “Nope, Not Dealing with THAT” and once opened, those boxes just start falling off the shelves, ready to unpack. You go, Wil! Keep sharing. Keep truth-telling. We NEED you as our inspiration to keep doing the same. When YOU heal, WE heal.
1, I’m glad you’re finding this kind of closure. And I really appreciate how you write with such vulnerability and transparency – go go masculinity role models. (I think we’re the same age, or very close)
2, is this where we get to play the guessing game of “ooh ooh who is Character Redacted”? Because if so, clearly, I need to say “Artoo Detoo”. 😉 And hey, Disco has those little bots that zoom around and fix stuff, so sure, one of those. nods sagely
Great post!
Your post makes me proud of you! Thank you for sharing it with all of us…and continuuing on your path.
I love this so much. My headcanon is also that Wesley is a Traveler, so. And I’m so glad you got to come full circle on this, Wil. It’s been a long, road, gettin from there to here.. 😉
I am OLD and have never been one to re-read or re-watch anything no matter how much I enjoyed/loved it the first time, so I had not realized that I apparently had been just extrapolating(?) that Wesley had been established to be a Traveler. I am about 25 years older than Wil, so I assume that I was not in the demographic that generally adored Wesley instead of often disliked the character (as written), but I always admired/liked him and looked forward to episodes that featured him a bit more than usual.
It is so fucking hard to let the abuse go. I was sexually abused as a child and decades later I’m still so full of rage. How did let go of the anger?
Therapy can help. If you can, I would highly recommend you try it. I’m so sorry you had to endure that as a child. No one should have to go through that.
Thank you. I tried therapy a long time ago but it was too painful. I don’t think I was ready. But I think I am now. I’m going to try it again.
In my best Homer Simpson voice: “Flex that Nerd!! Flex it!” Lol
So awesome.
It’s exciting to have moments of self realization like you had about Wesley.
So happy and encouraged by your journey and your willingness to share it with us.
Thanks for that.
It’s amazing to get to a place where you can let the hurt go off into the wild without you. Very happy for you
I may have to watch that part in Nemesis again, but I think there is at least one moment where Westley can be seen in the background. So I think it is canon that he showed up for the wedding.
I love the expression, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.”
I am always impressed by you, and how you continue to get better and better at overcoming your past. The next time I see you I will tell you how much I admire you! ❤️
I love this for all the reasons. Watching you grow beyond the hurt and pain the last few years has helped me do that too. And that last line of this post, just perfect. You are an amazing writer.
I’ve always just assumed Wesley was a Traveler. Wasn’t one of the STNG novels about that? I seriously want Traveler Wesley to show up in Picard or Discovery as a major Deus ex Machina…
That really would be great.
I really really hope you get to come back to Star Trek at some point, as Wesley, but as your own version of Wesley. Probably far older and hopefully far wiser than you left. Like some kind of superior being but not Q, though still careful about spoilers because they’re dangerous, maybe even with a kind of Redshirts-style meta-perspective about everything. I think that would be awesome. And cathartic.
I hope you are forever THE host of the Ready Room, for as long as it lasts!