Yesterday, I mentioned on Bluesky that I’d heard this guy suggest a way to break the doomscrolling Ouroboros we all seem to be stuck in right now: when the urge to resume doomscrolling hits (our brains asking for dopamine), make a choice to be creative instead. Satisfy the brain’s desire for dopamine by making something, instead of chasing that hit from the Internet. It takes a little bit of time, and requires mindfulness, but he says it worked for him.
So I’ve been doing that for a few days, and I have noticed a measurable decrease in my stress and agitation. Instead of looking at the news and hoping for The Headline, I’ve been writing down story ideas, working on this thing I needed to turn in at the end of last year, and playing around with the design of my website.1 And that’s been surprisingly fun and satisfying2! It’s amusing to me, how difficult it was to find a simple theme that just recreated what I was able to do in the Before Times, and I’m not 100% satisfied with it, but the sense memory associated with “tinkering with my blog” has taken me back to a time that wasn’t necessarily happier, or better, or anything like that — I remember how hard it was for me and my family in those day — but it does take me back to moments when I felt like I was making something that mattered3. There was so much fun to be had back then, when we all generally agreed that Nazis were bad and behaved accordingly.
While I was under the hood of my blog, I came across a rather large drafts folder, with a few dozen incomplete posts that I abandoned for one reason or another. One of them, which I posted yesterday, was actually a repost from earlier this year (I’d forgotten that I put the unpublished part of my post into a different post, and now I’ve created a timeloop paradox. Sorry about that), which some of you helpfully pointed out to me.
When I was looking at the unpublished stuff, I found things that were last edited 12 years ago, and almost every year, since. I saw a clear picture of who and where I was in my life then (not always great), and I understood why I didn’t post them. But there were some others that I thought were kinda nice, and I must have talked myself out of posting them for some reason.
I am going to be the person I needed then, and supportively tell my past self that it’s absolutely good enough, he’s good enough, and here is a lovely thing he wrote a long time ago:
Pushing myself through this heavy membrane that separates me from the rest of the world, feeling it stretch and stretch and refuse to break long after it should have.
Then, all of a sudden, it snaps and I’m through it and I’m breathing again and I can feel the air and the world.
And I’m not as tired. Or maybe I’m tired, but I’m tired like a person is tired, because just moving forward is like one of those dreams where you go as hard as you can just taking one step and then another and it feels like you aren’t getting anywhere.
I’m trying my best. I’m doing my best. I know it’s all I can do, and I tell people that when you do your best you should feel proud of yourself no matter what the result but motherfucker that’s hard to do when gravity feels stronger wherever I am than where I’m not.
So I make myself do stuff. I make myself get out and run, and I hurt my leg again and it’s so unfair and I cry and I feel stupid and I just want to give up but I’m not going to. I’m not going to let it win.
I walk a little bit and my leg starts to work that cramp out on its own and pretty soon I can run again. I can’t run as fast as I want to but at least I can run. It’s a bigger victory than it should be but it’s also very small. But it’s something and I need it so I take it.
I’m tired and I don’t want to go anywhere but I press against that goddamn membrane as hard as I can and I go to my friend’s house and I play games and I try real hard not to let them know how bad I feel because we should all just have fun.
And we have fun, and it feels good to be around my friends, and for a little while I forget to feel bad.
I get home and make myself write a story. It isn’t the story I want to write, but it’s a story that I need to write, and it helps me get out some stuff and I remember why I’m a writer.
Me from the past, that’s really sweet and I’m happy for you to embrace the part of you that is a capital-W Writer. I don’t know why you thought you shouldn’t post that — maybe you wanted to say more, or felt too vulnerable — but it’s enough, and so are you. I am standing on your shoulders, doing my best, just like you were. It gets better, buddy, and I need you to know that.
I love you.
- I think I’ve settled on Structure Lite, from Organic Themes. ↩︎
- In the old days, I had to make any changes to my blog by hand. I had to open up a text editor and do it all in html. I still haven’t wrapped my head around CSS, how styles are inherited, and how to use a stylesheet. I never learned how to use scripting or anything, because I would absolutely break things if I did. ↩︎
- I had no idea. ↩︎
Discover more from WIL WHEATON dot NET
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
<3
Times now are why I garden, write, and do mosaics.
I thought yesterday’s salt and cooking post sounded awfully familiar…
🌮
Three cheers!
A cheer for Wil from the past, who got through it!
A cheer for Wil from the present, who shared it!
A cheer for Wil from the future, who has so many great experiences to have, and so many wonderful ideas to share!
Thanks for encouraging yourself and the rest of us with you. You are a spark of light in a rather dark world. Thanks.
I found this phrase in a quilter’s blog years ago: Creation before Consumption. It got me into my studio first thing in the day, instead of trashing hours of my life also looking for The Headline (during its current regime and its previous one).
I’m loving these pearls from your Drafts folder!
Dear Wil:
As always, this is a wonderful post! I hope you realize what a wonderful person you are, married to another wonderful person, and with two wonderful sons. I really miss my random encounters with you on the JoCo Cruise because in addition to being a fan, I always felt that you treated me like a friend. I can’t handle the cruise anymore, but if you ever come up to an event in the Bay Area, I will do everything possible to come and see you! ❤️
Wil, you are such a wonderful person! You have a wonderful wife and two wonderful boys! Seriously, I used to talk with you occasionally on the JoCo Cruises and you were always so kind to me. One time you were even held hostage by me when we sat together on a bus going on some excursion (maybe the Arecibo?) and you chatted with me on the whole ride. I just want to thank you for being YOU! I can’t handle the cruise anymore so I probably won’t get to see you again, but if you ever come up to the Bay Area for some event, you better believe that I will be there and hopefully get to say hi. Thank you for being you! ❤️
Well rats. I didn’t think the first post went through and so I posted a second one. Sorry …
I thought that the soup story was familiar. I’m glad that I wasn’t alone in that. It was still nice to read.
Oooh that membrane…I have felt that – and the moment when we pop out and can move and breathe again. Powerful image!
As a writer and a runner who has struggled with both of those things due to health stuff these past few years, I really need that reminder from your past self today. Thank you.
Thank you for this…very timely for me🙂
Since no one else seems to have mentioned it yet, this is new theme is lovely.
Aw, thank you! While I was going through about half a dozen options yesterday, I remembered how fun it was back in the old days to make changes and refresh to see them, that sense of excitement and uncertainty while I was learning how to do all of this. It sure is easier now!
I love this progress in constant motion post, Wil. Thank you for sharing so much of you with us, and us with you.
Hi Present Wil,
Thank you so much for Past Writings and Past Wil, so you could share those experiences and help Present and Future Wil. I also like the new theme. <3
I’ve been feeling similar things, as far as Past Me getting Us through Things to help Present and Future Me.
I love reading your blog but I find this new design very hard to read – being dyslexic the font is too thin to provide contrast against the white backgroun.
This is since I changed it, yesterday, yes? Does your browser have the reader mode? In Firefox, at the right of the URL bar, there is a little document-looking thing that removes all the styles and displays clear text you can resize.
This is a beautiful piece of writing, and it has reminded me that I, too, need to break out of the shell of doomscrolling and make myself do something creative. Thank you for being willing to share so much of your inner life with the world.
I so enjoy your writings with a glimpse into how you became the wonderful person you are. When does the storytime podcast start again?
We are >this< close to announcing more episodes. I hoped to have it all done months ago, but there were a lot of things we learned from our test season that we had to address, and it just took longer than any of us expected.
<3 <3
“Instead of looking at the news and hoping for The Headline…” I don’t think it will be much longer until that thing is in the weeds alongside the spouse they threw down the stairs.
I’ve never seen anyone pay as much honor, and hark back to their younger self, as you, Wil. I get a little emotional when I see these posts because I know how much work you’ve put into healing and see how it’s paid off. Unfortunately, when you’re in The Club no one wants to be a member of, we still get triggered to varying degrees, but we handle it. We have to.
Please keep tinkering with the design. The font is too thin to be comfortably readable, especially with the gray background. Why tell people to switch to Reader view? It’s a blog. It should be readable without the user making adjustments. I am very glad you’re writing more, though.
Scott, I don’t think you intended to be mildly insulting, but I’m one person who is doing the best that I can, on my own, with tools I don’t fully understand. Something I can do right away, in an effort to help someone, is suggest the easy and immediate Reader solution.
You are a wonderful person! It takes great courage to be able to look back and recognize who you were, and come to terms with why. It also takes great courage to break through the membrane! And you have! I am proud of you! I know you don’t know me, but I watched you on the big screen as a young man being look down upon, yet encouraged. People have their own ways of doing things and saying things and sometimes they don’t realize how much influence they have over others. By reaching out the way you do, sharing with the world how you felt and how you feel now is very courageous and commendable! I also have found that the dopamine rush is better when not stressing about things I can’t control. I watch Scenic Relaxation, or other relaxing views of the world so I can see how beautiful the world is! This helps me focus on my schooling. I am in my last year of University and plan to take my masters overseas, so, yeah, it can be stressful, but watching how beautiful the world is and how much I care about every living thing on it, helps reduce stress and focus on my objectives!
Thank you for your ever inspiring words! I don’t always comment, but felt happy to today!
Take care!
Margaret
Man, Wil, you post the realest stuff ever. Good on ya for taking good care of yourself, and being honest and up-front about both the good parts and the rough stuff. It absolutely makes a difference.
Also, the site looks great! Love it!