“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things like too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.” -The Body, Stephen King.
Last night, while watching TV with Anne, my phone buzzed and buzzed and buzzed. I usually ignore it when we’re watching something, but when it blows up like that, it’s rarely good news. I picked it up and saw a message from Jerry to Corey and me. While I was reading it, news alerts popped up faster than I could swipe them away. More text messages arrived. Unknown Numbers began to call. I told Anne we needed to pause the show; something terrible has happened.
It hasn’t even been twelve hours, but all three of us have been overwhelmed with requests from media for comment and I’m mostly writing this now so they’ll leave me alone. I won’t speak for anyone else, but I am still processing and coming to grips with a tragic, senseless, devastating loss. I’m doing my best. I have all these words, and I am doing my best to put them into some kind of order, but the loss and sadness and anger at the senselessness of it all is getting in the way.
I don’t want to write this. I don’t want to talk about myself. I just want and need to process the shock and grieve the loss. But I don’t want anyone to speak for me, so I will do my best to tell you about the man I knew, and what he meant to me when I knew him. I reserve the right to edit or even delete this post.
Generation X grew up with Rob. We watched him on All in the Family when we were little, and as we came of age, he made movies about our lives as we were living them: movies about growing up, falling in and out of love, about seeing the goodness that exists inside every single person, if only they are open to it. He told us stories about the strength of the human spirit, and he made us laugh. Oh, how he made us laugh. The world knows Rob as a generational talent, a storyteller and humanitarian activist who made a difference with his art, his voice, and his influence. I knew that man, but I also knew a man who treated me with more kindness, care, and love than my own father ever did. And it is the loss of that man that is piercing my heart right now.
I only really knew Rob Reiner for one summer, in 1985, when we made Stand By Me. We only saw each other a handful of times in the last 40 years, and outside of those rare meetings, we only spoke a couple of times. Even though I haven’t spoken to him in years, I will miss him forever.
When I was turning 13, and realizing that my own father didn’t care about me, that my mother didn’t see me as a son, but as a thing she could put to work, Rob Reiner made me feel loved, valued, seen, and respected. He made sure I knew that I was important to him and his movie. He made sure I knew that he saw every actor he could for my role, and he chose me because he saw so much of Gordie in me. Back then, I didn’t know what that meant, only that he made me feel like I was enough.
When we shot the scene with Gordie and River at the body, he talked with me about how his own dad made him feel, created a safe place for me to feel all of Gordie’s (and my) emotions, and turn that into a performance that still resonates with audiences. In a way, in that movie, I was him and he was me and we were both Gordie LaChance. I was hoping that we would see each other next year, at something celebrating Stand By Me turning 40, so I could see him and properly thank him for everything he gave me — in my career, sure (it only exists because of Rob), but in my life, as well. If Rob hadn’t shown me unconditional affection and approval, I wouldn’t have known what I was missing at home. He was a big part of my coming of age in that way, too.
Ironically, tragically, I have felt closer to Rob in the last week or so than I have in a decade, because I essentially spent a weekend with the Rob I knew in 1985 when Jerry and Corey and I spent the weekend together, watching Stand By Me with a few thousand people who love this film the way we do. We spent entire days together in a tour bus, catching up on 40 years of life and work, and fondly remembering that one magical summer we spent together, that will tie us to each other for the rest of our lives. We talked extensively about how much we all loved Rob, and how much he loved us. We talked about how important it was to him that we got to be kids when we weren’t at work, how he organized screenings of Goonies and Explorers for all of us to watch together, how he made sure we all got to play.
Rob was a good person who put great art into the world, who made a positive difference in more lives than any of us can imagine. The world is a better place thanks to his activism and the way he chose to use all of his privilege and influence.
Rest in peace Rob and Michele. May their memories be a blessing.
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Holding you and everyone directly impacted in my heart. It’s not much, but it’s all I have to offer.
Condolences words are not enough.
Take care of yourself Wil. May his memory be a blessing.
So senseless and I hate it!
Im sorry for you and Im sorry for us all. A good number of my very favorite movies came from him, at least we will have them.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Wil. I can only imagine the sorrow you feel, and the anger at those Inwill not mention at the callous response to Rob’s loss. If there is anything I can say that I hope brings you comfort, it is this: As a fan of his work, most especially “The Princess Bride,” so long as we remeber him and have his work to touch us, he’s only mostly dead.
My heart goes out to you and your family, and those that knew and loved the Reiners.
Thanks for sharing your very personal experience with the great Rob Reiner.
I am so sorry for your loss, for the Reiner family’s loss, and honestly, for all of us. What an incredible legacy Rob and Michele both leave behind; they truly will never be forgotten.
If we put all of our broken hearts together, maybe we can float away on love.
“. . . I’m mostly writing this now so they’ll leave me alone. I won’t speak for anyone else, but I am still processing and coming to grips with a tragic, senseless, devastating loss. I’m doing my best. I have all these words, and I am doing my best to put them into some kind of order, but the loss and sadness and anger at the senselessness of it all is getting in the way.”
That sentiment and that whole paragraph made me understand how you feel. I remember that feeling when I had to write my dad’s obituary (he’d died suddenly and unexpectedly).
You don’t owe anyone your words, or feelings, or time. You get to process this however you want, at whatever speed you want. Although I did not know Mr. Reiner, I suspect he’d say something similar.
I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I wish I could help.
You remain enough.
My heart is hurting. I am so sorry for your loss. You were blessed to know Rob personally. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I like you am a part of the Gen-X cohort and pretty much lived in a time that Rob was fully in. I watched him on All In The Family as a little kid, went through my teens relating to the coming of age in the film you worked with Rob on Stand By Me. Found comfort in my favorite film The Princess Bride during difficult times in my life. This one really hurts.
❤️
I am so sorry for your loss . Sending love and light .
This was a terrible loss, senseless, and I feel for you and all whose lives were touched and made better by these two terrific people.
Thanks for sharing this. I hope it helps give you the space you need to process the grief we all feel to some degree.
I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to hear about Rob’s death, nor how hard it was for you to write this. But those of us who are fans of yours and of Rob’s thank you for this, deeply.
This is truly a heart breaking tragedy. My condolences to you and to all of Rob and Michele’s fans, family and friends. We are all in mourning…..
Thank you for sharing this, Wil, and so thoughtfully putting digital pen to paper so you can mourn in peace. The phone that is blowing up from the press can be quieted, as you try to make sense of this. We all are, and the reality is unfathomable.
As a Gen Jones, I was a tad older than the young ones portrayed in the film. But Rob’s direction brought out the best in all of you. Those memories of him allowing you to be kids while on that shoot are even more precious now.
You were/are more than good enough — glad Rob made you feel it on Stand By Me.
You were the first person I thought of when the news broke. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the obstacles to grieving that this world is throwing at you right now. I’m terribly sad for the Reiner family, for us all. How precious it is to be seen, to be seen by someone who thinks we are enough as we are, to be seen by someone caring and thoughtful and funny. Thank you for sharing that.
I cried when I found out. I didn’t know him, how could we really know our our artists but through his art he certainly shaped a pretty good chunk of my being. Im sorry for your loss and to the family, friends, and fans who will miss them both. I’m so grateful for Stand by me, it got me through a really tough childhood. And so very much of his work, you said it so well. Peace
So sorry for your loss. Well the loss for all of us who knew his work. I mean…”Meathead”! That was a great show. I just watched it again recently, and it’s still funny.
Happy to hear he made such a difference in your life at a time when you needed it
Grieve and remember.
Such awful news, Wil. Your Stand By Me post was still on my mind from the other day and my heart dropped when I saw the news today. Jeff and I are thinking of you. Virtual hugs from us. Take care of yourself!
indeed, Robs character on All in The Family was my model “Archie, you cant say that!” and then Archie would say something dismissive to Meathead, but next time Archie was racist or cruel, Meathead would come back again, ” you cant say that! or words to that effect.
As a Gen X, he made all my stories, and he directed the line i say now, ” we are in the pit of despair”.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Wil. I’ve read and heard you talk about how much Rob meant to you so I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. In my personal experience losing someone that close to you doesn’t necessarily get “better,” but it does get bearable. It just takes a little time. Sending you all the healing love and energy I can muster.
I’m thinking of you. I’m glad you, Jerry, and Corey have each other right now.
I am so sorry, Wil. There are no words for our loss of a man who tried to make things better entertainment-wise, justice-wise and human-wise. Blessings on his soul and the family he and his wife leave behind.
💔
He truly saw you and Jerry and he validated you both. My heart goes out to everyone that he touched.
I hope you don’t delete this, Wil. It’s a testament to how even a moment in time with someone who really cares can change everything, and a fitting tribute to your friend’s beautiful heart. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your words about Rob. I’m so sorry you, Corey and Jerry have to go through this grief in this way. Rob sounds like a truly wonderful soul, and I’m glad for him.
You were the first person that came to mind when I heard the news yesterday. For those of us who come from dysfunctional families, the loss of a meaningful adult role model or mentor is doubly hard because it reminds us of not only of what we lost but also of what we never had in our own home.
Although I never had the pleasure of meeting Rob and his wife, hearing stories about them always brought me joy. I loved the idea of Hollywood bigwigs who were decent human beings using their privilege and their fame to make the world a better place. Rest in peace, Rob and Michele.
There are really no words beyond the ones you wrote here. The loss is indescribable, and I never met either of them. You are all in our thoughts, Wil.
So sorry you’ve lost a kind and caring adult father figure. Us Gen X’ers feel this sadness very heavily. I’ve read many wonderful interviews over the years of how thoughtful, respectful and nice Rob is to cast members, crew etc. He advocacy for children and equality will not be forgotten.
May you remember the good times and know he understood how much he meant to you and the Stand by Me cast.
I see you, Will. As an 80’s child I can quote so many of his movies. They put into words things I couldn’t articulate for myself. And I will always say “ours goes to 11” with the appropriate “duh” look to it and a big grin. Take time to heal. Hugs!
I am so sorry for your loss, personally, and our loss as a collective. I didn’t realize he directed Stand by Me. I think back to watching All in the Family, to the “sock and a shoe, and a sock and a shoe” scene which still makes me laugh, even though I want to cry now.
May his memory be a blessing to you especially, and may he and Michele be together in peace.
My heart breaks for you, Wil. You are in my prayers as you mourn your loss and celebrate your experiences with Rob.
Wil, I know I’m not the only one to have had this reaction, but you were the first person I thought of when I heard the news.
It’s hard to lose someone, but I think it makes things so much worse when they are taken so brutally from this life.
I hope you know there are so many of us out here lifting you up and sending you love. Please be gentle with yourself as you grieve.
Like others, I immediately thought of you when I heard the news, because I had just read you were in Red Bank. So sorry for your loss.
And maybe this is an odd observation but I think about Carl’s great longevity and I just ache thinking about his son’s life being stolen.
Thank you for having the courage and generosity to write this. It’s the only thing which has made me cry.
You, River, Jerry & Corey were so lucky to have had this experience. It was a mitzvah bestowed upon you by a kind and sensitive man. May his memory be a blessing (as may his poor wife’s).
Much love to you and all that knew this family
I loved this essay. However, there was a mistake that kept me reading one sentence over and over again, because I thought I was making a mistake in not understanding it. The word “like” should be “lie”. I won’t admit to how much time I spent trying to figure that out before I finally did a search and learned the quote here was wrong.
So sorry for your loss Wil. Sending you love. ❤️
So. sorry for your loss.
When this news broke, my second thought (the first being ‘oh god this is awful’) was ‘Oh poor Wil Wheaton is going to be absolutely devastated’. I thought with sadness about how it would affect the cast of Stand By Me, especially after having just spent a lovely weekend together. Sending big virtual hugs to you and Anne (and Jerry and Corey)… it’s not much, but I hope knowing that many strangers are thinking of you with kindness and sympathy in this difficult time might ease the pain a tiny smidge.
On a personal note, it was the crappy icing on an awful cake. I’m an Australian, so the Bondi terror attack was fresh on my mind. It hit close to home because my BIL is both Jewish and from Sydney (now living elsewhere) – he grew up attending the Hannukah events at Bondi Beach. It makes me so angry that he, a new Dad to my gorgeous niece, had to spend his daughter’s first Hannukah calling friends to check that they were alive. Thankfully all his friends were safe, but one of the victims worked for his mother’s company. So after all that, seeing that Rob Reiner and his wife had also been murdered on Hannukah was just cruel.