For years I have slept like absolute garbage. I struggle to fall asleep every night, and it’s not uncommon for me to wake up five or more times, for no obvious reason. I’ve done all the things, and nothing seems to really help that much. The most effective thing, surprisingly, is listening to a sleep story from Calm, so I’ve been doing that. Every night, LeVar reads me to sleep, which is pretty great.
I’ve been sleeping in the guest room for a week or so, so Anne doesn’t have to deal with me tossing and turning and all the rest, so instead of rolling over and saying good morning, I stagger into the living room and say good morning.
Over the weekend, I walked out, saw Anne, and before I could say anything she said, “Did you see it?”
Friends, there is only one “it” I want to see when I wake up, and it’s the same thing we all want.
“What? Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“No, no, not that,” she said. “Sorry. It’s not that.”
“Dude, you can’t do that to me. My heart can’t take it.” I weighed out my coffee beans. While I poured them into the grinder, she said, “Stephen King posted on Threads that he and Simon and Schuster are putting your narration of The Body up for Grammy consideration!”
That just about knocked me off my feet. “What?”
She repeated herself. “Open up Threads and look.”
“I can’t! I’m not looking at the Internet for 30 minutes after I wake up.” I reached into the cabinet and pulled out a coffee mug.
She tapped on her phone a few times and hurried over to me while I dumped the ground coffee into my Aeropress, and poured some water over it to start a bloom.
“Look!”
recordingacademy simonaudio 🏆 #GRAMMYs #FYC #WilWheaton #TheBody #RecordingAcademy SimonAudio AudiobooksOfInstagram
“Okay, that is pretty awesome,” I said. I stirred the damp grounds, then saturated them and let bloom finish. I filled the tube the rest of the way and put the plunger in with a satisfying hiss.
“I’m so proud of you!” Anne said. I pushed the plunger down, silently cursed that I always get some out of the sides and onto the counter, and was quiet until I was done. I set it aside and sipped my coffee.
I thought for a moment. I never cared about awards, and the few times I won, I always felt like a fraud, like someone felt sorry for me, or it was just about publicity, or a dumb popularity contest. It wasn’t about acknowledging and honoring art that I made1. “I want the work to speak for itself,” I always said, and I meant it. But I never let anyone know that there was a very small part of me, tucked safely away from everyone (including me, sometimes) who held out some hope that, maybe, if it were an Oscar … but that voice was always drowned out by another that said since that is never going to happen, just fucking forget it, man.
So I did. What initially started out as caring so much I had to insist I didn’t care, actually became sincerely not caring. Just do the work and don’t expect any external validation for it. It’s the work, itself, that matters2.
“Is everything okay?”
I realized that I had been quiet, staring at my reflection in the black liquid.
“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. I was just thinking … all those times I was nominated for stuff when I was younger, none of that work was mine, right? I wasn’t being recognized for art I created because that art was important to me; I was desperately trying to earn a place in my family by doing what I was told I had to do. I guess I felt like any attention or accolade was negative reinforcement for my mom, you know?
“All that time, whenever I worked really hard and earned literally anything, my mother jumped in to claim as much of it as she could for herself. When something cool happened because I worked really hard to make it happen, my dad never cared. I always felt stupid for caring, so I stopped caring. You can’t be disappointed that you didn’t win, or that your parents are still dogshit when you did win, if you don’t care.” I did that tapping the head meme thing.
“Yeah, I get that. I’m still really proud of you, though.”
I sipped more coffee.
“Thank you.” I closed my eyes, furrowed my brow, and rubbed my free hand across my forehead, into my bedhead. I noticed something unexpected.
“I think … I think that I am proud of me, too,” I ventured.
“Good! You should be!”
I rubbed sleep out of the corner of my left eye. “I think that this feels different because –” I held up a hand, “wait. First of all, I’m not going to win this. And I’m probably not even going to be nominated,”
“Dude, why ar–” she looked disappointed.
“Hang on. I hear you. I’m getting there, but that’s just part of why I think I feel this way.
“This time is different, and I feel genuinely happy and proud of myself, because I know that I did good work when I narrated The Body. Gabrielle and I both knew it when we were recording. It’s like the way I knew Stand By Me was going to be special when we were making it.” I blew across the top of my mug.
“The narration feels like that work, that art, is mine in a way that most of my other work is not. I feel like my performance in this narration is special, that it’s something only I could do, and I absolutely own that. That’s really enough.”
Anne smiled and I took a deep breath.
“It’s so unlikely I receive a nomination, just because of math and all the tremendously talented narrators who have probably been nominated before, who will also be considered. But I’m not minimizing this very cool thing that Stephen King posted, at all. That post means that the publisher, and Stephen King himself, feel the same way about my narration as I do. They at least feel like nobody is going to laugh at us because I’m clearly not qualified to be White House Press Secretary, like and such as.”
We giggled together.
“Five days!” She sad.
“It’s the funniest thing, ever,” I agreed. “These fucking dorks, I swear.”
More giggles.
“Anyway,” I continued, “I’ve known about this for all of five minutes, so I’m going to take the day to process it. No matter what, I’m going to allow myself to feel good about this, because it is a genuinely cool thing on its own. I am sincerely proud of myself.”
She hugged me. “You totally deserve this. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you. I am proud of me too. I just need some time to get used to that, and not feel weird about it.”
A few hours later, I was out for a walk, thinking about all of this, and I had a moment that was similar to the first time I heard the birds singing. I noticed that I felt genuinely and safely proud of myself, excited to do more work like this, confident and secure in myself as an artist.
There is this thing happening in me that has been slowly going on for a few months. I feel like I’m getting to really know myself, especially my artistic self, in a way I never tried to before. All my therapy and CPTSD recovery work has helped me set aside and walk away from all these ways I made myself small so my parents and brother could feel big, all the choices I made to deny who I truly was, not only as an artist but as a person, in a futile effort to earn the kind of affection, support, stability, and love that all kids should get from our parents because we exist3.
As I’ve gotten to know myself, as I have recovered from so much pain and complex trauma, just working so hard to get from always feeling angry to just feeling sad, I have embraced the weird theater kid, who loves to tell stories, I have always been. I found the courage to retire from on-camera acting, which I never wanted to do in the first place, without throwing out the skills I developed when I was doing it. I’m a good narrator because I understand story, I understand character arcs, I know how to break down a whole story, how to break down a scene, how to create and maintain unique and interesting characters for 24 hours of narration. I did that. I put in the hours and the energy and worked as hard as I could to do the best performances possible, to get to this place where I can actually feel proud of myself. It’s a new thing to feel confident, to feel like I can hold my own with the people who earn nominations and get awards, because this is what I want to do with my creative life, this is my art, this is something I made for myself that makes my heart sing4.
When I got home, I found Anne and wrapped my arms around her. We hugged tightly and I told her what I’d thought about during my walk.
“I get all of that,” she said, “and I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks, I’m happy for me, too!”
It was so weird to say that, and know that it was the truth.
Hi, I’m Wil. I narrate audiobooks (you probably figured that out) and I write this blog. I’m on Threads and Instagram as @itswilwheaton. I host a podcast, It’s Storytime With Wil Wheaton, where I narrate short, speculative fiction. New episodes drop Wednesdays. If you’d like to get my posts to your inbox, here is the thingy:
One last thing before I go:
- I think, after decades of space between then and now, that I can allow myself to accept that, maybe, I did deserve whatever accolades I got, because it was given to me for my work. I wish I’d been able to feel that, back then. ↩︎
- Some of that work was good, none of it was great. I spend twenty years trying to figure out why, and recently came to understand, like, almost everything. That’s its own post in the future. ↩︎
- It is so fucked up that both of my parents, and my father’s entire family, made us feel like we had to earn love and support, like we were constantly being graded. I was in my 30s before I found out how incredibly not normal that is. My sister and I talk all the time about how we unconditionally love our children, and how aware we both are of the ways our parents withheld their very conditional affection. God, it’s so gross. ↩︎
- Man, it’s taking everything I have to not go back and delete that, conditioned as I have always been to downplay my accomplishments and abilities, lest I be accused of being “too big for your britches” by my dad. Well, fuck you, dude. I feel really good about myself, and super proud of the work I did. And I guess Stephen King agrees with me, and he knows a hell of a lot more about art and storytelling than you do. ↩︎
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Congratulations on even being considered for nomination! That’s still a HUGE thing and I am proud of you too!
More congratulations on being able to sort through difficult stuff like this and finding your way back to the light. That’s an even better thing and I am proud of you!
Amazing news!!!!!
Nominated or not, I just want to say that you’re my favourite audiobook narrator.
Dude, I’m proud of you! For the possibility of being in the running for the award and the possibility of getting it, but more for you digging deep and deciding it’s good to be proud of the work you did, not letting your shitty bio-parents keep you small. Even if you don’t win the award, you win this and they lose, and I love that for you.
I just really love reading your thoughts. That’s all. Thank you for sharing.
I’m proud of you too.
It is truly lovely to see how much more self love you are growing. I’ve always thought you are awesome, I’m really glad you are starting to believe 💕
I’m also very proud of you. 🖖
Since like, the release of Stand By Me in the theaters, and YES, I was there, you’ve occupied a uniquely YOU niche in this mess we call “entertainment” (which has gone so far beyond its original intention) that it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME you acknowledge YOU! We do. I’m glad you do too! Just keep being you! This is the magic that most of those trying to “break-in” to “entertainment” don’t get; it’s all about YOU. We listen to YOU, we watch YOU. Your characters, voices and actions are unique, but what attracts us originally is YOU YOU YOU. So, say it again. “I’m proud of me too”.
Wil I’m so very proud of you and also so very happy for you!
I’m so proud of you finally being able to be proud of yourself too!!! Sending hugs from Hawaii. You should incognito attend Kawaii Kon (since we’re not sure when Comic Con HNL will return)!
So proud of you too, Wil. I’m proud that you are proud of yourself. I’ve healed from a lot of things too and know how difficult it is to achieve that. And I know that feeling is worth so so much when you finally find it BECAUSE of everything you went through to get there. Also, I just love how wholesome and supportive that interaction was with Anne. It takes such effort and work to reach that kind of a relationship and healthy communication methods and I’m proud you’ve both achieved that too. Thanks for sharing, Wil. These are the important everyday moments that we should be proud of and that should be shared and celebrated. You deserve all of it 🙂
I’m not old enough to be your mom, but if I were your older sister (or the cool aunt – I’ve always wanted to be the cool aunt), I would tell you how proud I am of you, of all the work you’ve done both professionally and for yourself, and you deserve good things.
No one deserves what your parents did to you, but the world would be a poorer place without your performance in Stand By Me, and you should be incredibly proud of your younger self for that. And it’s incredibly cool that your narration of The Body is getting recognized now.
So be proud, of now-Wil and past-Wil, and accept the congratulations of someone who has admired your work for decades.
I’m fucking proud of you too! For everything! Learning to be proud of yourself after years of staying small because it equals safety is HUGE!
👍Wil
Congratulations! That’s so cool! Even if you don’t get an official nom, that’s really awesome. Go you!
I loved reading this! You are so talented and it’s so nice to see and hear you explore what you love to do, be successful at it and feel proud of yourself. The best! Thank you for sharing that!
I’m about your age, so definitely not your mom, but I’m a mom. And if that works for Free Mom Hugs, then maybe it work here. I’m proud of you, both for your accomplishments and for all the work you are doing to be able to be proud of yourself. We’re all really happy for you.
Hooray! So well deserved! I love this so much!
Wil…I have enjoyed, and admired, your narrating skills since The Martian came out; and, thanks to you, I’ve discovered many new (to me) authors. I am so, so sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced…and I’m glad you discovered Anne. Hugs to you both.
You rock, dollface. Imposter syndrome sucks…but fuck that…you deserve it!
Wow, I’m so proud of you Wil. Proud of your pride in yourself. Amazing. ❤️
This is one fan that is very proud of your accomplishment. Here’s hoping you get a Grammy nomination. I might even watch the awards this year.
Wil, I am SO PROUD OF YOU, and more than that, I am proud and happy that you can find it within yourself to be proud of you and to be happy for yourself. BTW, I was in a trans support group Friday night, and when I mentioned we recently talked, EVERYONE lit up. It was like your positive energy transfixed the entire room. Your support and kindness and TALENT was all we talked about for the next ten minutes. This is real. This is true. And we are grateful for you. Me, especially!
Having also had an upbringing where being proud of any of my accomplishments brought derision from my parents, I also find it incredibly difficult to be proud of anything. The fact that I still have my mother in my life, chuckling anytime I even approach the idea of me having done something good, doesn’t help. 11 years ago I gave the speech from the students at my convocation in front of 5000 people, full of anxiety and stuttering but I got through it. Not only didn’t my mother say she was proud, she didn’t purchase a picture of me in my cap and gown, noteworthy because her wall had that picture for both my siblings at the time and now includes all 3 grandkids.
With all that said, I just want you (and any others like us) that it’s ok to have trouble with self esteem and viewing any accomplishment in a positive light. Even in our 50s, no matter how quiet that internal critic gets, we still hear it almost constantly so if you can mute it for 30 seconds, 30 minutes or 30 days, I think that’s a greater accomplishment than such a noteworthy career moment.
That’s awesome. You deserve to be proud of yourself, and you deserve to feel good about yourself 🫶 x
So proud of you Wil. When you are down remember this moment 🙂
I saw that “For your Consideration” and I was so happy for you! Congrats Wil and hopefully we all will get to see your name on the Grammy Telecast!
I’m so proud of you! Stand By Me has a special place in my heart, watching it every time I can find it and still crying at the end, even decades later. You deserve to feel proud of this work, and the narration and acknowledgment from Stephen freaking King. Congrats!
You deserve to proud of your possible Grammy nomination, Wil. I’m happy for you!
YES! Finding yourself and letting yourself be yourself and finding joy in the things you are good at. This is what everyone should be able to do. I’m proud of you too! May you win, but even if you don’t win the Grammy, you are still winning every day that you can do the things you love and be glad about it. A hearty thumbs up! Yay!
I too, very often, at least once a week, let Levar “read me to sleep” – I’ve also added you to my “night, night narrators” –
Congrats – I remember seeing this come out and thought – wow that’s so awesome!
Having just finished listening to your amazing narration (performance, really) of The Martian, this makes me boundlessly happy. I’m proud of you, too.
Rooing for you bud
Wow Wil! This is very cool news! I believe in you and hope you win, but also, kudos for being put forward by Stephen King!
I have a friend who’s film score (Tom Greisgraber, for the documentary “Prairie Prophet”, available on his album “The Split”) was also nominated for a Grammy. I’m the guy who sells his merch for his local shows, in part because the merch table often has the best sound in the house! I have trouble explaining how joyful I am for his nomination, and not just because it may sell more merch!
Now, here you are, gaining recognition for an awesome and sustained level of effort and accomplishment that has spanned so many years. “Wow!”, one side of my brain says. “About damn time!” the other side says. I’m totally with Anne on this one.
Massive congrats!
I’m more than a little giddy that my friend Tom, and my parasocial friend Wil, are both Grammy nominees. ABOUT DAMN TIME!
Woo!
You deserve everything. I am so proud of you being proud of yourself. That is amazing
Good for you, Wil!!! So happy for you.
Had a BPD mom here (a result of her own heirloom trauma) and I very much feel you on love seeming conditional, even when it’s not a conscious manipulation on the parent’s part. And on the extreme caution towards feeling proud of something you made. But you did make this. It’s like a literal throughline of your career leading to this point. And hey, if Stephen King thinks you did award worthy work? I mean, he literally wrote the book!
Wil, you read me to sleep nearly every night, and you help me get back to sleep when the middle of the night is reluctant to let me go. I find ALL of your narration excellent. I just hope if I ever have the chance to see you live that I don’t instantly fall asleep! 🤣 I’m so grateful for you and your talent!
Proud of you, too! Congrats!
I’ve had a long and varied career. I have spent the last 20 years honing my experience level for the sake of a particular craft. I have tried unusual things that I wasn’t sure would work or be looked at as too silly, yet somehow made it through to the final product. For all this entire time, I have waved off compliments. I have never felt that I deserved any of the nice things that people have said about my work.
Last June I won an Emmy.
I still have not reconciled with that part of myself that likes to tell me that I’ve managed to fool everyone, but there’s definitely been a crack in the wall. A little tiny neon sign that’s trying to tell me that I really can do this, and do it well. I’ll say this; I once had a manager who, when I thought something might not ever even be nominated, would just simply say “You never know.”
The more I hear from you about your background (your lack of emotional support from family, inability to be comfortable with being acknowledged for your good work, mental health issues etc.), the more I appreciate the quality of your onscreen work.
I’d like to listen to your narrations. I purposely avoid taut thrillers & the entire horror genre due to subsequent, long-lasting nightmares. I’ll have to see if you’ve ever recorded any other works that I’d find “safe” to listen to!
Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us. Thank you for airing your fears and feelings of “not good enough” in a way that not only (hopefully) helps heal you at least a bit, but also allows us to admit & face our own insecurities.
I’m really pleased that at least some of your work is being recognized for its excellence. You deserve the honour of being nominated; to win as well would be great! Best wishes!
Congratulations! I would be so elated under the same circumstances. And I’m glad you are able to enjoy it; you should be proud!