All posts by Wil

Author, actor, producer. On a good day, I am charming as fuck.

Rally round the flag?

Rally round the flag?

I read this at Salon tonight. Read it quick, before some lawyer comes here and makes me take it down.
Rally round the flag?
I love Old Glory. I just wonder if I can take it back from the creeps who’ve waved it all my life.
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By King Kaufman
Sept. 18, 2001 | I’m wrestling with the American flag.
It’s everywhere now: tiny ones riffling on car antennas, medium ones waving from porches, giant ones yawning from cranes. People are wearing them. Every Old Navy flag shirt ever bought has been pulled out of the drawer this week, and Stars and Stripes ‘do rags are all the rage.
There’s no flag flying on my porch. I don’t have a flag, and they’re hard to come by these days anyway — not that I’ve tried to get one. And if I had one, I can’t figure out if I’d fly it or not.
See, Old Glory and I, we go way back, and we’ve had our problems.
For most of my life, the American flag has been the cultural property of people I can’t stand: right-wingers, jingoists, know-nothing zealots. It’s something that hypocritical politicians wrap themselves in. It’s something that certain legislators would make it a crime to burn — a position that’s an assault on the very freedom that the flag represents. It’s something brandished at times like these by idiots who say things like, “Let’s go over there and burn those rag-heads!”
During the Gulf War, I hated the American flag. It was everywhere then, too, on porches and car antennas and over the left breast of every uniformed athlete, all in support of a war I and many others thought to be immoral.
But I also love the flag. Seeing it stirs something in me, even when I’m mad at it, or disagree with those who wave it. I am, after all, an American, and despite being opposed to every single military adventure this nation has undertaken in my lifetime, I’m a patriotic one at that.
For me, though, patriotism is more about the freedom to criticize the government than it is about waving a piece of red, white and blue laundry around and singing “God Bless America.” It’s about loving our shared national personality — aggressive, impulsive and open, unimpressed with such Old World nonsense as royalty. It’s about feeling at home in a country where the first question asked of new acquaintances is not “Where are you from?” but “What do you do?”; where a loutish baseball star can sit next to a president and say, “Hot as hell, ain’t it Prez?” and be loved all the more for it. It’s about loving this country’s crazy cultural stew — that “melting pot” that we give ourselves more credit for than we should, but that really does exist.
For me, statements like “America right or wrong” or “America: Love it or leave it,” a chestnut from my childhood, are the antithesis of what this country is all about. And those are the sentiments that the flag has come, over many years, to represent for me.
So you’ll be surprised to hear that I have an American flag shirt, and maybe surprised to hear that I sometimes wear it — without irony! — on occasions such as the Fourth of July. First of all, it’s a hell of a shirt since, after all, it’s a Grand Old Flag. But I also like what it says. It says I’m an American. Not for me the pretentious Europhile weenieness that sometimes plagues my fellow middle-class American white boys. I’m a proud son of the country that’s produced Bart Simpson and Ambrose Bierce, Robert Johnson and Abe Lincoln, Michael Jordan and Doc Holliday. Bruce Springsteen said something in his “Born in the U.S.A.” days that stayed with me: “That’s my flag too.” How did the Republicans and the gun nuts and the xenophobes co-opt it?
There are two kinds of patriots: The “God Bless America” kind and the “This Land Is Your Land” kind. I’m the latter.
On the surface, the songs sound similar: simple melodies with lyrics about America’s natural beauty, the mountains and deserts and “oceans white with foam” in one; the Redwood forests, Gulf Stream waters and “sparkling sands of her diamond deserts” in the other.
But that’s only because we don’t sing all the verses that Woody Guthrie wrote in his song, an answer to “God Bless America,” which he hated for its sentimentality and dumb, blind devotion. Here’s one of the verses school kids don’t sing: “As I was walking, I saw a sign there/And that sign said ‘No trespassing’/But on the other side, it didn’t say nothing/Now that side was made for you and me.” Another verse has “my people” at the relief office, “wondering if this land was made for you and me.”
That song’s political and social criticism, its questioning, are also part of what make this country great. These things, as much as our culture, our national personality, our country’s physical magnificence, are what the flag represents to me.
But when I see that flag flying from a neighbor’s porch, I think, “Oh boy, right-wing nut.” And I’m not hearing people singing “This Land Is Your Land” over the last week, though “God Bless America” is everywhere.
While I’m not quite a pacifist, I have a pretty simple, even simplistic view of war: You don’t fight unless you’ve been attacked. So now that this country has been attacked, I agree with the vast majority that some sort of military response is warranted. This is a new feeling for me, this feeling that we’re the good guys and we’re fighting the bad guys. It makes sense that I’d want to fly the good guys’ flag, but that flag comes wrapped around a lot of baggage.
There’s the bell. The wrestling match continues.
salon.com
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About the writer
King Kaufman is a senior writer for Salon.

Son of SpongeBob Vega$Pants

Son of SpongeBob Vega$Pants

When we last left our heroes, they were in a hotel room, on little sleep, somewhere in Las Vega$…
“Mrphhzzzzgggggthphbbt,” was all I could muster.
There was silence on the phone.
“Wil?”
There’s this voice in our heads. That voice that tells you it’s not a good idea to kick that guy, or that you probably should think twice before you take all that shrimp from the Buffet…it’s the self-preservation voice…you know it. My self-preservation voice, and my stay-in-bed voice are currently having this conversation:
“Dude. Mumble again, and go back to sleep. It’ll be okay.”
“What?! You have a commitment to these people! Get up!”
“Gettin’ up is for pussies!”
“If you don’t get up, everyone will hate you.”
“They hate you already! Stay in bed! Hey! Youurreee wiiffeessss innnn bedddd….”
Somehow, I got up. I told them that I’d take a cab, so they didn’t have to worry about that, and I’d see them about 9:45.
Anne gets up, and orders some room service (Which is *always* over priced, so I’m not even going to complain about it) while I take a shower.
So:
Shower.
Coffee.
Eat.
Coffee.
Kiss.
Walk through casino.
Cab.
Convention.
I get to the hotel where they’re doing the show at about 9:55. I’m supposed to start at 10, so I can imagine that they’re freaking out a bit.
I’m right. I wander all over the hotel, giving all of the appropriate Vulcan and Klingon salutes, until I finally find someone from the con, who tells me where to go. Then she shows me where I’m supposed to be.
The autograph thing works like this: some people paid quite a bit of money to get these “golden ticket”-style things, where they’d get the best seats, access to all the extra shows, and they’d get an “in-person” autograph.

Tangent about autographs: I don’t get autographs. I don’t understand the appeal of having someone’s signature on a photo. It’s just not something I’m into. But here’s what I do get: having someone sign something for you means that you get that person’s attention for 30 seconds, and you can tell them how much you like them, or how much you didn’t like them, or whatever. The autograph is secondary. It’s that contact that’s important. At least that’s what I guess about these people, because they paid a lot of money to get their autographs “in-person”.
So the way this works is it’s like an assembly line kinda thing. You come into this long hallway, and there is Michael Dorn, sitting at a table. You give him your ticket and picture (or phaser, or whatever) and he signs it. You go to the next table, and there is Marina Sirits. Ticket. Autograph. Repeat.
Contrary to popular belief, sitting at a table, signing thousands of autographs is really hard. Because it’s not just scrawling my name. It’s stopping and listening to the always excited, sometimes shaking, sweating, scary dude wants to know exactly why I did X on episode Y, and would I please sign his picture in gold, because Marina signed it in silver, and now he wants the men in silver and the women in gold, oh, and I hated your character, and here are 25 reasons why, and I expect an answer for each one of them.
Now, personally, I think this approach, while the only one that really works, has the potential to really suck for the fans. Sure, if you’re in the first 100 or so we see, that’s fine. But towards the end, we start to get tired. Our arms and backs get sore. We begin to lose our voices, and we’re ready to go home. But I do my best. I stay focused, and I remind myself that these fans waited a LONG time, so they are the ones that I need to give the most attention to, when I am the most drained.
End tangent.

So I get to the hallway where we’re set up for autographs, and, as I am walking up the hallway, I see Dorn, Marina, Renee, Kate Mulgrew, and WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER. Shatner has always been a dick to me, but I want to say hi, so I approach them, and I say, “Hi! How you guys doin?”
Everyone returns my greeting, even Kate, who I don’t know, at all. Never even been introduced. Everyone, that is, except WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER! Old toupee-head won’t even look at me! I don’t know what this guy’s problem is, really. I think he’s very funny, I think he’s got a great sense of humor about himself, but he is always a dick to me. So all I can do is just smile, shrug it off, and get set up at my table. On my way there, I hear Kate say, “Could we get some coffee?” The person who is working for the con says, “Sure. There’s a coffe cart in the lobby.” WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER says, “Uh, no. What we need is not just coffee. We need a Starbuck’s run.” Cool, dude. Like this convention staffer isn’t over-worked enough. Good thing there’s a Starbuck’s every 100 feet.
Okay, so I’m at my table, and they send in the flood of fans. I’ve got my game-face on. My pen hand is strong, and I’m ready to be witty, charming, friendly, and make these guys feel like the autograph I’m currently signing is the only one I’ve signed all day.
Here comes the first fan. Okay, she’s not wearing a spacesuit…that’s a good sign. She has a witty Sci-Fi T-shirt on. Also a good sign. She’s about 20 feet away, and I can’t smell her. A VERY good sign.
Here she comes.
“Hi! How you doing today?!” I say.
“AWFUL! THIS IS THE WORST CONVENTION I HAVE EVER BEEN TO! I HATE DAVE SCOTT! I HATE LAS VEGAS! I HATE THIS CONVENTION!”
“Uhh..I think…that…this convention…just started…and…uhh..I’m sure that if you talk to Dave Scott, everyt–”
“DAVE SCOTT IS AN ARROGANT ASSHOLE!”
“Uh…yeah…well, you see, the thing is, I’m sort of not really involved in the planning of this convention, you know? I’m just, like, a guest…maybe you could–”
“THIS IS THE MOST FAN UNFRIENDLY CONVENTION I HAVE EVER BEEN TO!”
And she storms away.
What the fuck?
Well, at least it can only get better, right?
=Next=
MORE AUTOGRAPHS!
ZANY FANS!
THE REHEARSAL THAT WASN’T!
THE TALK!

Homework

Homework

Two quick things tonight. Not a lot of time to write, because I have a HUGE audition tomorrow (Monday) for a supercool miniseries. So I have a lot of homework to do.
Speaking of homework, here’s yours:
Read this, and get involved.
Read this, and laugh your ass off at one of the coolest things, ever.