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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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Flash Friday

Posted on 8 April, 2016 By Wil

Flash Fiction, that is, you filthy animals.

This is another one from my dumb Tumblr thing, based on another neat work of sci-fi art I reblogged.

Peter Elson, Pirates of The Asteroids
Peter Elson, Pirates of The Asteroids

Jace looked up from the scanner. “Two colonials, Hep! On the other side of the rock.”

“Perfect,” Hep said, almost to himself.

“Perfect?! How are we gonna handle two?!”

Hep took a short breath. The rookie was jumpy and a little panicky, but what rookie wasn’t? Flying through space is fun and all, right up until someone’s trying to blast you into it.

“Colonials are good, but they’re also cocky, Jace,” Hep said, powering up the Needle’s thrusters.

The scanner flipped from green to red and Jace instinctively interrupted him. “Two colonial Zona fighters now moving to intercept, sir.”

Hep continued. “One of them, alone, could be a problem, but a pair? These idiots will be so busy trying to impress each other, we’ll be able to fly circles around them.”

The scanner sounded and began to flash. “A third colonial Zona fighter has activated its ions and is now moving into attack formation Delta,” Jace said.

A moment of tense silence filled the Needle’s cockpit. “Hang on.” Hep pulled his controls toward him and the Needle arced sharply upward, spun 180 degrees, and flattened out again. Hep powered the ship’s thrusters to maximum, pushing both pirates heavily into their seats.

“What are you doing?”

“Two is a patrol group. We can handle two.” The Zonas came around the asteroid in a tight formation.

“Three is a combat defense squad. They only put a combat defense squad around this rock if there’s something more than metal in it.

“The good news is, we just found something very valuable.”

The Zonas opened fire.

“The bad news is, we may not get to tell anyone about it.”

I’m proud of these things, because I do them off the top of my head, taking the first bit of inspiration I find in the image, and writing without judgment. In this particular one, I decided to sort of flip it and make the pirates the two people in the foreground, who are probably not meant to be the bad guys in the image. Then, while I was writing it, I realized that I thought there were two ships that I called the colonials, but there were actually three. So I decided that our heroes had also made the same mistake, which is why they are fleeing from them

blog

Life is too short to be Voldemort

Posted on 6 April, 2016 By Wil

My talk to Miami University went very well, and there were way more adults (like, old people like me adults, not college-aged adults) than I expected. Turns out I was terrified for no good reason.

I recorded the entire thing, and once I have a chance to clean up and edit the audio, I’ll post it on Radio Free Burrito. Until then, here’s an excerpt from my prepared remarks.

(NB: I write these things to be spoken, to be performed. I don’t know if it translates perfectly to written text, because if I were writing this to be read, I would change a bunch of things.)

(more…)

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I’m not terrified to speak to a bunch of college students. You’re terrified to speak to a bunch of college students.

Posted on 4 April, 2016 By Wil
Cincinatti Airport Sunset
This picture does not do the sunset I saw when I landed last night justice.

I’m in Ohio for 24ish hours, because I’m giving a talk at Miami University later today. I’ve given talks at conventions over the years, and some of them have even been successful. I’ve keynoted two PAXes performed at lots of w00tstocks, so speaking to large groups of people is nothing new for me … but this is the first time I’ve actually prepared a talk on a subject, and traveled across the country to give it to a bunch of college students.

(more…)

blog

I do not have time to be sick, so of course I am.

Posted on 30 March, 2016 By Wil

It was Thursday night, and I was at a gathering of nerds that I host with Bill Prady and Felicia Day. A lot of my favorite people were there (that’s the whole point) including Hank and John Green, who were in town on unrelated business.

When he came into the room, I hugged John Green tightly. “It is so good to see you!”

He hugged me back. “You too!”

I stepped back and looked at him. John’s taller than me, and I always forget that because he’s usually sitting down in his videos.

“So, what’s new with you?” I said.

“I have strep throat,” he said. It was very casual, like “I am wearing Vans.” What I heard was, “Chopper, sic balls.”

Oh. That’s not right. What I heard was, “I have infected you with murder death muwahahahaha you never saw my nefarious plan coming, puny mortal!”

“Wait. Like. Now? You have it right now? And you just hugged me?” A cold panic began in my abdomen.

“I’ve been on antibiotics for four days,” he said, “I’m not contagious.”

“I sure hope you aren’t,” I said.

Fast forward six days. My throat hurts so much I can barely swallow. I have a headache that won’t respond to any pain meds. I have chills in my body, and aches in my joints. Last night, I kept waking up every few minutes, because I felt like I was suffocating.

I really hope it’s just allergies, or exhaustion because I flew to Toronto to work on Saturday and came home last night. Maybe it’s a combination of both … but there’s this doctor in my head who is even more terrifying than WebMD, and she’s telling me that I have strep and probably a mono flare up and did I mention that I’m going to Ohio on Sunday to speak at Miami University?

Yeah. So I’m trying not to panic. If I don’t feel significantly better tomorrow morning, I’m going to the doctor and demanding some sort of Bruce Banner treatment to kill this thing, because I don’t have time for this.

Silver lining: if I do have strep, I got it from John Green, which means that I probably got infected with his writing skill, too. So look out, world. Here I come.

blog

demons worry when the wizard is near

Posted on 22 March, 201622 March, 2016 By Wil

Still tired, and the pollen plus wind minus humidity has given me a headache that refuses to go away … but I’m better than I was.

If you’re one of the hundreds of people who reached out and offered a bit of kindness, thank you.

I wrote a story. It isn’t done, and it may never be published, but for the first time in ages, I felt like I needed to write it and get it out, so I could get my mind around what I have to write, so I can finally get back to what I want to write.

And actually doing that, instead of sitting around and actively not doing that … well, it was kind of a big and important thing for me to accomplish.

(more…)

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