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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

Category: Books

how to create your very own ogre deathcrotch

Posted on 11 June, 2008 By Wil

Yesterday, I told some friends of mine who are writers that I feel this need to write, and I certainly want to write, but my brains aren’t cooperating with me at all. I asked them for advice, and was relieved to learn that I’m not the only writer (who doesn’t feel like a writer at the moment) who experiences these weird and annoying patches of malaise.

I applied everyone’s advice, so I’ve gotten to play some GTA IV to recharge, read some comics and genre fiction to reinspire, taken some walks to clear my head, and now I’m writing something totally unrelated to my work, so I can hopefully kick stuff loose in my head and hopefully get back to my assignments.

I think I had this sudden lock-up in the brain-u-lo-tronic region of my skull because I’m kind of overwhelmed by both life and work. I think I may have taken on too many creatively-demanding writing projects, so yesterday I thought I’d make a list of my writing commitments, including their various deadlines, so I could get a better picture of what I need to do. The idea was to put everything onto paper, tape it up next to my desk, and feel a little bit better knowing what my responsibilities were.

Um. Yeah. Didn’t quite work out that way. Seeing how much I have to do has really freaked me out; I have an August 1 deadline for this project that is unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and though I’m looking at 51 days until I turn it in, I don’t feel like that’s enough time. Yikes. Fear is a good motivator, though, and I work well when I’m terrified, so I’m hopeful that once I get past a couple more milestones, I’ll be able to enjoy this thing, instead of . . . uh, whatever it is right now. Which is mostly paralyzing fear.

I also made a list of things I want to write but probably shouldn’t until I get my paying gigs handled. On that list is the last entry in our trip to New York, and a review and commentary about D&D4E. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I’ve been enjoying the fourth edition core books so far, and that I like a lot more than I don’t like. Because of all these commitments I have, though, I don’t know if I’ll have time to play or run a campaign — or even a one-shot — before summer is over. I don’t think it’s particularly responsible to write much about fourth edition until I get a chance to play it, you know? (If you’ve played or run a fourth edition adventure, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to leave ’em here.)

Anyway. On to the cryptic title of this post: John Kovalic, creator of Dork Tower, illustrator of Just a Geek, big bossman of Out of the Box games and all-around insanely awesome dude, has also been reading fourth edition. Today, he writes:

The designers of Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition must be having a real roller-coaster time, at the moment. On the one hand, this epic labor of love is finally in readers’ hands, to much acclaim. On the other hand, it will be slowly nibbled to death by gerbils as every gamer under the sun points out the one or two nitpicky things they dislike in the nearly-thousand-page Opus of Awesomejuice they released.

(I, for one, don’t understand why The “Customizing Scores” method of character generation starts with 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Would it have been that much to throw a couple extra points players’ ways – creating 10’s across the board – and thereby making the subsequent table of point additions that much more elegant? Nitpicky, nitpicky, NITPICKY!)

I will say, however, that the Monster Manual gives me greatest pause. Not due to any mechanic. Simply because of the sheer number of monsters that now go by MODIFIER-title MONSTER NAME (or MONSTER NAME modifier-TITLE). Yes, I realize this is due to the seemingly endless subdivision and stratification of monsters and monster types necessitated by new monster Roles: artillery, brute, controller, soldier, fishmonger (or something like that).

[…]

Anyway, it’s pretty obvious that D&D 4th edition has a specific way they’d like you to differentiate monsters. Now, anybody can be a critic. But it takes a better man to offer constructive advice – to put forward something POSITIVE. And so, in that spirit, I humbly offer KOVALIC’S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE, for those who want to create monsters or name new Player Characters the right way…the Fourth Edition way. Roll some dice and try it out!

What follows is an awesome and hilarious table intended to allow DMs to randomly generate silly names that fit into the unique fourth edition nomenclature. If you’re wondering, I used my very own dice to determine the type of ogre referenced in the title of this post.

If you roll up a monster name — I mean really roll it up, not just pick two funny entries and put them together — feel free to share your creation in the comments. I, for example, have also just created . . . a Bitchyhulk Oni, who I’m just certain is a level 9 controller.

You know, I can’t imagine not being a geek.

. . . and I’m very grateful for that.

To make an already geeky post that much more geeky: WWdN reader kendiara shared some thoughts on 4E that were interesting to me. (Is there a good signal to noise 4E discussion online anywhere?) Maybe they’ll be interesting to other geeks. There’s also some really funny monsters that were rolled up, including the Kobold Dreadlard, who I think must be a really tubby Kobold with a Dex of 5, and the fearsome Ogre Meatspike, who could be rather NSFW, depending on how demented you are. Eww!

in which a book builds a bridge

Posted on 4 June, 2008 By Wil

Earlier today, I spent about an hour composing a post, filled with links to groovy stories I’d found in the last couple of days while I found links to submit to Propeller. I added brilliantly trenchant commentary to each link, in what was destined to become a post for the ages.

You, dear reader, would have been so awed by the majesty of this post, you’d sign up for Propeller, and join me in the world of social news bookmarking. We’d form a network of like-minded people — a social news Voltron, if you will — and soon all of our stories would find their way to the front page, for great justice.

Satisfied with my work, I hit publish, and began clearing my shelf for the inevitable awards that would soon follow.

When I returned to my computer, the browser said, "Hey, Wil, just thought you’d like to know that the post you made has been saved. Enjoy your awards!"

I thanked it, opened up my blog to bask in the glow of my brilliance, and saw that the post wasn’t there.

TypePad ate it. Destroyed it. Sent it off into the land of wind and ghosts. I stared at the computer, agog, until my mouth dried out and my jaw grew sore. I couldn’t believe that it was just . . . gone. It was like it never existed.

After much furious . . . behavior . . . and fruitless searching for the post in question (which TypePad claims just doesn’t exist, like I didn’t spend an hour putting the goddamn thing together) I will now attempt to recreate the part of the post that was the most important to me:

Have you read Little Brother? I tore through it in about 4 days, and absolutely loved it. I gave it to Nolan when I finished, because I thought he’d enjoy it, and it would give us something cool that we could share.

I don’t know what it’s like for other parents of teenagers out there, but getting Nolan to pick up a book for more than three pages has been nearly impossible for the last eighteen months or so. He used to love reading, but  . . . well, there are new friends at school this year. ’nuff said.

I don’t have scientific data to back me up, but I’ve anecdotally witnessed a direct relationship between someone’s willingness to read and their level of education, success, expectations for themselves, and general, uh, interestingness they bring to the table. I guess that makes me one of those "elitists" we keep hearing about, but with that in mind, you may understand why it’s been pretty damn important to me that I instill a love of reading in my kids.

"I read this in about four days," I told him when I presented the book to him, "and I would have read it faster if I’d had more time. Once it gets going, it’s hard to put down."

"Okay," he said, "I’ll give it a try."

"I’d really like to have this thing to share with you, and I know that you’re haven’t been all that inter– What?"

"I’ll give it a try," he said.

"Wow. That was easier than I expected." I thought.

I didn’t ask, but I secretly hoped that maybe he wanted to have something like this to share with me as much as I wanted to have something to share with him. Stranger things have happened.

"Okay, cool." I said.

"But I’m probably not going to finish it as fast as you did," he said.

"I totally understand," I said. "No pressure, and I won’t take it personally if you don’t dig it."

I set it down on the desk next to him while he played Diablo and walked back into my office. The symbolism of this gesture was not intentional, but also was not lost on me.

A little while later, I walked back out into the living room, and found him sitting on the couch, reading. He appeared to be about 50 pages into it.

"What do you think?" I said.

He held up one finger in the universal "wait a minute" gesture, and continued to read.

"What?" he said.

"I asked you what you thought, so far."

"It’s pretty good," he said, noncommittally, before he went back to reading.

"Cool," I said. I couldn’t believe he was already that far into the book, and though his words were carefully chosen, his body language said that it was much more than just "pretty good." Rather than press the issue, I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of iced green tea.

Later that night, I noticed that he was sitting in the chair by our family iMac, but instead of playing games or talking to his friends on iChat, he had his head cocked to one side, Little Brother open in his lap. He’d made some serious progress in the book. I noticed that he had Firefox open to a Google search about [spoiler redacted].

I nudged Anne and pointed to Nolan.

"He’s been reading that pretty much non-stop since you gave it to him," she said quietly.

"That rules," I said.

Over the next two days, I’d see him sitting on the couch, sitting in my favorite reading chair in our den, sitting in the chair by the iMac. He was always in the same pose, head cocked to one side, Little Brother open in his lap. We talked a little bit about the characters and the events in the book, and he asked me lots and lots of questions about the technology and real-life issues Cory presents in the book.

Flashback: Long before Little Brother was published, I had dinner with Cory. He told me that he was working on this book for teens that was supposed to have lots of real-life lessons in it about privacy, security and civil liberties. At the time, he told me how he hoped kids would read it and head to Google after each chapter to learn more. Nolan was doing exactly that.

Yesterday was the third day since I gave Nolan the book. After school, he bounded into the house and flew into my office. I looked up from my work and saw him holding Little Brother in outstretched arms.

"I love this book!" He said. "I seriously can’t put it down!"

"That’s awesome," I said, "but it’s not interfering with your schoolwork, is it?"

"No," he said, "I’m reading between classes, and only in class when I’ve finished my work and made sure the teacher was cool with it."

I loved it that he took it to school with him. He’s been spending more time than I’d like with non-reading, non-motivated kids who are, I fear, really in danger of holding Nolan back from realizing his potential. It’s a small step (and maybe it’s only temporary) but I was nevertheless thrilled that he was reading at school, unafraid of what his current peer group would think. I was hopeful that escape velocity would soon follow.

"That’s great, Nolan," I said. "I’m so happy to hear that you’re enjoying it."

We talked a little bit more about some of the events that had unfolded in the book that day, and he pointed out that he had about 100 pages to go.

"I want to finish it right now!" He said, before pulling the book close into his chest and hugging it. He lowered his voice and dramatically added, "But . . . I must wait. I must . . . savor it."

I laughed with him. "Don’t you love it when you’re into a book that’s so good, you don’t want it to be over?"

"YES!" He said, before he raced back out of my office.

"I haven’t seen him this excited about anything in months," I thought. "This is better than I ever could have hoped for." I made a mental note to send Cory a thank you card.

After dinner last night, I found him in the living room, sitting in the chair in front of the iMac. The room was dim, mostly lit by the glow of the computer’s monitor. It silhouetted Nolan’s now-familiar stance, head cocked to one side, book open in his lap. It was, for me, a "remember this" moment.

He must have sensed me standing there, because he turned around and said, "Eighty pages to go, but I’m really stopping now. I’m going to finish this tomorrow."

I remembered all the times I’ve gotten close to the end of a book and put off finishing it. I remembered the way it felt to sit in the pull between wanting to know what happens and not wanting it to be over. I could see that Nolan was enjoying that feeling himself. I chose not to point it out.

"I’m so glad you’re into this," I said. "I’m really glad we’ve been able to share this book."

"Me too," he said.

Earlier today, while I was writing the first version of this post, Nolan sent me a text message that said, "OMG it’s over!!! So great, so great!!"

I sent back "Ha! I was just writing in my blog about how much you liked it. Yay!"

He replied, "Yeah, pretty amazing."

My heart swelled. I wonder what he’ll read next?

happiest days made a bestseller list!

Posted on 4 June, 2008 By Wil

Happiest Days of Our Lives is currently number one on Mysterious Galaxy’s paperback bestseller list. <– That link has been fixed. Stupid goddamn firefox not copy and pasting correctly grumble grumble.

It’s a dynamic list, and that link will likely reflect this little bit of excitement for just a short time, so I used my screenshot-fu to capture and preserve the moment:

Happiest_days_of_our_lives_bestsell

To keep this in perspective, Mysterious Galaxy is just one store, where I did a heavily-attended reading and signing last month, so I’m not under the delusion that I’ve grabbed a brass ring here, or anything like that . . . but it still feels pretty damn good to see this.

I believe that Mysterious Galaxy still has some autographed copies of Happiest Days and my other books, so if you’re looking for one, knowing is half the battle.

Geek Tour 2008: San Jose Super-Con – Updated

Posted on 15 May, 2008 By Wil

This weekend, the 2008 Geek Tour rolls into San Jose for Super-Con!

Original Announcement:

May 17-18
Super-Con
San Jose, CA

When I worked on NUMB3RS, I met the guys in charge of Super-Con in
San Jose. In fact, they were a big part of making Alt Con 9 (the fake
con in the show) look and feel as real as it did. I haven’t been to San
Jose for a convention since the only way to get there was via mule
train, so I’m looking forward to traveling up the coast in more modren
style, perhaps by zeppelin or auto-gyro.

I don’t have a lot of details for this one, and I don’t even know if I’ll get a chance to perform from my books, make balloon animals or just stand around making lists of things.

However, I’ll have a booth of awesome, where I’ll be hanging out on Saturday and Sunday, trading books and pictures for shiny gold rocks. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to visit with some cool people while and angry guy complains about it. That’s always pretty fun.

I’m hoping the copies of Just A Geek and Dancing Barefoot that I ordered at great expense to myself arrive today, because if they don’t, I won’t have any of them for this show, which would be sad. [see Update at bottom]However, I should have shiny new copies of the second printing of Happiest Days, and 2008’s chapbook-o-rama, Sunken Treasure.

Uh, this is also pretty goddamn cool: The original cast of MST3K will be getting together — reuniting, if you will — for the first time since the exciting rock climbing portion of the film began. I’m kind of excited to listen to whatever they have to say, and hope I can trade them shiny gold rocks for their automagraphs on my copy of Manos: the Hands of Fate.

UPDATE: FedEx and UPS came through for me. I have the second printing of Happiest Days, as well as copies of Just A Geek and Dancing Barefoot. This means that, if you like, you can trade me shiny gold rocks (or Kongbucks) for The Complete Works of Me, Wil Wheaton.

Of course, now I have so much stuff to take and no time to ship it, so it looks like me and the 101 are going to spend about 5 hours of quality time together tomorrow. And again on Sunday. Good thing I have Dimension X on my iPod.

introducing sunken treasure

Posted on 15 May, 2008 By Wil

Tuesday night, I asked Andrew (my editor and good friend, for those of you who are just walking into the theater for the first time) if he thought we could put together a chapbook for the 2008 Geek Tour . . . and have it ready to give to the printer about 18 hours later.

Andrew is a fucking rockstar, and over the next 90 minutes or so of manic IMing we put together something that I’m massively proud of. The result of a fucos that can only be born in terror is something really, really special.

See, the other chapbooks I’ve done (and I try to do a different one each summer) are all pretty cool, with nifty bits of stuff that’s awesome, but this one is different than anything I’ve done so far.

My author’s note! Let me show you it!

Every summer, I make one of these limited chapbooks and  take them with me on the inevitable summer convention tour. In the past, I’ve pulled material from whatever I’m working  on, as sort of a fall preview, but this year the book I’m working on is so top secret, I’d have to print the chapbook on self-destructing paper, and while that would make it a very limited edition, the costs associated are kind of prohibitive.

So for 2008’s limited edition chapbook extravaganza, I’ve put together the first ever Wil Wheaton Sampler. With the help of my editor Andrew, who is a former ninja warrior and recreational time traveler, I’ve pulled together things I like from all three of my books, my blog, and this groovy collaborative fiction project I play with called Ficlets. I’ve also included, for the first time anywhere, one of the scripts I wrote for a sketch comedy show at the ACME Comedy Theater.

If you like what you see here, and would like to read more, come visit me online. I’m at wilwheaton.typepad.com.

Namaste.

Wil Wheaton
May 2008

I was going to call this Wil Wheaton’s Hot Cocoa Box Sampler (Farkisms FTW!) but I have a tradition of using song titles that I didn’t want to break, so this one is called Sunken Treasure, with the subtitle "Wil Wheaton’s Hot Cocoa Box Sampler." Hee. Awesome.

I am so proud of this. It’s one of the things I was working on during my massive deadline panic. The collected stories are some of my favorites, and I’m thrilled to include outtakes from Happiest Days as well as a script from ACME, which I’ve never reprinted anywhere before.

As always, this will be limited to 200 copies, and will become available at Super-Con this weekend in San Jose. If I’m lucky, I’ll sell about half of them this weekend, and I’ll have the remaining 100 to bring with me to the rest of the cons on the 2008 Geek Tour. I don’t have any plans to sell these online, but I like this little book so much I may change my mind on that later this year.

Oh, speaking of the 2008 Geek Tour, I’m adding another stop next month, which will be announced in its own post a little later today.

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