Category Archives: Sports

in which a memory is created with my son

I went to my first Los Angeles Kings game around 1986, when they still played at the Forum, wore the original uniforms, and weren’t a playoff team.

By the end of the first period, my fandom was cemented. I loved how fast the game moved. I loved how weird it was to play ice hockey in Southern California. I loved that nobody I knew was into hockey, so this was something that belonged to me. In the 80s, being a hockey fan in LA was to be part of a subculture that took a little bit of work. Like, it was easy to be a Lakers fan during Showtime. The Dodgers weren’t that great in the mid-80s, but by 1988 they were in the World Series again, while the Kings were pretty mid, if my memory is correct.

Years and years ago, I wrote something about how much I loved getting off of work at Paramount, driving down La Cienega through the oil fields, and sneaking into Inglewood around the traffic on the 405 and 110. I would have been 16 or so, maybe just barely 17, when Gretzky came to the Kings, and my subculture exploded into very mainstream Los Angeles sports culture. I took an extended break from the NHL — and all sports, really — when my kids were little. We couldn’t justify the expense for tickets, and when I had a choice between going out for something or staying home and enjoying my family’s company, I always stayed home.

But in … I think it was 2010? 2011? … the Kings were in the playoffs against St. Louis, a couple seasons before they won their first Stanley Cup. I knew from experience that there is nothing in the world like playoff hockey, and that I had my best chance to introduce Anne to the sport, the team, and that part of me. So we went to game 3 of the series (I’m going from memory. I could look all this up and be sure about the dates, but I’m going to write this parenthetical, instead.) We sat behind the goal, about 7 rows up, not the best place to get a full view of the game and watch plays develop, but really great for dropping you right into the middle of the whole thing.

Anne was completely on board by like the third or fourth whistle. She was hollering with me, stomping her feet, the whole thing. It was great. We got season tickets the following season, and we have had them ever since.

Last night, she had an art class she’s been looking forward to for weeks, that she joind before the playoff schedule was set, so I took our son, Nolan, with me. He’s been so busy with so many things, we haven’t had many opportunities lately to just go out and hang, so I was looking forward to that even more than the game, itself.

Holy shit the game, itself. I’ve been feeling like this team is the first team the Kings have put out in years that has a real chance to get past Edmonton. Fucking FINALLY. As I wrote only semi-jokingly in yesterday’s post, Edmonton has one line and a bunch of guys. Their goalie is very beatable, and if the Kings can shut down McDavid (who, we all have to admit is the greatest player in the world right now), they should advance.

The vibe inside Staples Center was immaculate. Fans chanting in the streets, in the concourse ahead of the game, in our seats before they introduced the players. For the first time since opening night, the place looked to be nearly sold out. It was the playoffs, man, and it nourished my soul to be there.

The game was exciting and nerve wracking. The Kings took their foot off the gas at the beginning of the third, as is traditional, and let the Oilers back in. McDavid did his thing (I hope Edmonton nerds know how lucky they are to watch him year after year) and I felt roughly 17000 people go “oh fuck my life not this again”.

And then.

And then, Phillip Danault and Warren Foegele did this, with 7 seconds left.

Phillip Danault (off camera right) snaps a shot on Jeff Skinner that flutters in for a goal, while Warren Foegele leaps out of the way. (via reddit)

Nolan and I jumped up out of our seats so fast and so hard, we practically hit our heads on the roof.

The Kings held on for seven intense seconds, and after blowing a huge lead, managed to win it 6-5 in regulation. It’s the first time they’ve won a playoff game in regulation in three years. I screamed so much, my throat hurts today and my voice is hoarse. Not the best thing before I start an audiobook tomorrow. Good thing I heal like Wolverine.

On the drive home, I looked over at Nolan and said, “Look, it’s the playoffs, and I would never admit to this in public or on my blog, but it’s after 10 already and I did not want to be leaving here after 11, so I feel like not only did the Kings win, we also won.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything, but … yeah.”

We laughed about that a little bit.

I said, “I guess I know that I’m old and tired because I’m not completely sure I wouldn’t have suggested we race home during the intermission so I could watch OT on TV and then roll right into bed. I don’t even know who I am.”

He started to reply, then said, “Look out!” because a stupid fucking dipshit idiot driver whipped across three lanes without signaling to gain a car length while I was — with my turn indicator on because oh my fucking god why is that so hard for you people to do — safely changing lanes like an adult.

I yanked my wheel back to my left, was grateful I drive a Mini with a low center of gravity, and dad mode automatically engaged. “You fucking idiot fuck,” I spat at that guy. “My fucking kid is right here! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You okay? Sorry about that.”

“Yeah, that was intense.”

My parental anger faded as quickly as it flared. “I’m really glad you saw that. I would have missed it entirely.” In my dad brain, a vivid series of violent car crashes played in high speed.

“I barely did.”

“Yikes. That’s scary. We were so close to being in a serious crash because of that guy, and he probably has no idea.” I wondered how many more near collisions this dude would cause on his way to wherever he was going.

“Yep.”

We drove in silence for a little bit. And then, after we’d merged onto the 134, I said the thing that had been on my mind since we’d left the house hours earlier.

“I’m so grateful you chose to come to the game tonight. Thank you for making a special memory with me. I cherish this time together, and I want you to know that.”

“I do know that, but I’m still glad you said it. I didn’t expect to have as much fun as I did. It reminded me of the times we went before.”

“That was so much fun. I’m so happy that you remember it the way I do.”

When Nolan was in high school, the Kings had ticket packs for super cheap (they were NOT a good team, then) so I got him like 6 games for Christmas, mostly so we had an excuse to go do something together. At one of the games, we were screaming and cheering for the boys and they put us on the Jumbotron. Someone in the organization grabbed it, and made that video snip part of the opening montage for the rest of that year. Every game I went to, with Nolan and without, I got to see it and remember how fun it was when it happened. It was so long ago, the memories have faded to a point where they are unreliable. Last night was an echo of those memories, and it refreshed them enough to restore their clarity.

Anne’s got tickets to a show tomorrow, and Nolan is my first choice, if he’s feeling it, to be my +1. So maybe we’ll get to make another memory together tomorrow night that involves the Kings going to Edmonton up 2 games to none.

If you’d like to get these updates in your inbox, here’s the thingy:

Also, before I go, I am on Michael Rosenbaum’s podcast, Inside of You, this week. I’m working on a post about it, just struggling to get WordPress to play nice with a bit of embedded video. Until then, here are some quick links:

it’s the most wonderful time of the year

It’s that time again! Here’s my 2025 Stanley Cup Playoffs bracket, something that is always fun for me to write for the eleven people in the world who care about it. (Hi! I’m glad you’re all here!)

Round One

Campbell Western Conference

Vegas vs. Minnesota

As much as I very intensely dislike VGK, they aren’t pulling that IR bullshit from years past, so I grudgingly set that moniker aside this year. Minnesota is in the playoffs because of the ridiculous start to their season. The Wild (I almost typed North Stars, sigh) are hurt, and the last six weeks of the regular season were brutal for them. If the team that we saw at the beginning of the season shows up, they will give Vegas a serious run. They looked pretty great yesterday, and boy did they make Vegas work for the win at Medieval Times Arena. I still favor Vegas, though. They have most of a team has been here before, and they know how to win in the playoffs. I expect Minnesota to take at least one of their home games, and I think this one goes to 6 before Vegas advances.

Winnipeg vs St. Louis

The Jets have the best record in hockey for a reason that goes beyond Connor Hellebuyck. In the old 1 plays 8 days, I’d give The Blues a stronger upset chance, but I think they’re just outmatched here. This is the only sweep in the first round. Winnipeg in 4.

Dallas vs. Colorado

My heart wants to cheer for Dallas, because my dear friend Stepto (may his memory be a blessing) loved them the way I love my Kings. Colorado isn’t going to make it easy. Blackwood will steal a game for the Avs, and yesterday was not that game; the Stars lost that one all on their own. This series will go 6, maybe even 7, but the Stars are moving on to face the ‘Peg.

Los Angeles vs. Connor McDavid

This is our year. Fucking finally. The Kings have a team that can neutralize Edmonton’s line. The Kings are hot as hell right now, and have home ice advantage, where they had the best home record in the league (like, it wasn’t even close). Kuemper is locked in and Skinner has looked shaky. Edmonton has the best player in the world, another generational talent, and 24 other guys. For the first time in four seasons, the Kings have 4 lines who can score and a goalie who can keep them in it. Kings in 6.

Wales Eastern Conference Round One

Toronto vs. Ottawa

Brady, I’m real happy for you, and ima let you finish, but Toronto actually looks like a hockey team this year, and the Senators are just beginning to draw back the curtains, and open their Cup window. This isn’t Ottawa’s year, which is fucking crazy because it’s NEVER Toronto’s year. They have an incredibly rich history of finding truly creative ways to lose, but I’m picking Toronto because it serves a greater narrative. Leafs in 5.

Tampa Bay vs. Florida

Ah, the battle of America’s Wang. A playoff series for the ages that will live in the pages of hist– yawn I’m sorry I drifted off there thinking about this. These teams are basically even for me, but I freely admit I don’t pay much attention to them during the regular season, so I am absolutely missing a lot of nuance. But given the Panthers’ win last year by a team that they largely kept together, and the absolutely insane leveling up in Matthew Tkachuk’s play during Four Nations, I’m picking the Panthers in 5.

Washington vs. Montreal

Remember when the Habs were this unstoppable force? Remember when the Habs could score one and shut the door? This is not them. This team is mid af, just good enough to make it into the post season, but missing a lot of the parts it needs to go deep. I despise Ovechkin’s Team Putin bullshit, and for that reason alone I want them to get swept. But let’s be honest: the caps are a fucking incredible team who are going to be an autoaxe with legendary mods against Montreal’s weak feral ghouls. Anything can happen in this league on any night (the reason the NHL is the best league) so don’t count them out entirely, but I wouldn’t worry about having to change tee times with those guys in the beginning of April. Washington in 5.

Carolina vs. New Jersey

Hey, did you know the Devils are in the playoffs? Can you name one of their players? I just realized I can’t, and that means I haven’t paid attention to them at all this year. Meanwhile, after I retired Blaine Gretzky because the guy I named him after turned out to be garbage, I started a new create a pro game. My player wears #13, and his name is Johnny Marlowe. He plays for Carolina, and I have developed the same emotional connection to the real team that I had for the Kraken during Blaine’s career. I could come up with stats and reasons to support my choice, but where’s the fun in that? I’m picking Carolina for a silly reason, but it’s still a reason. Hurricanes in 7 because I presume New Jersey has some Dark Horse thing I don’t know about and that makes for good drama.

Round 2

Jets vs. Stars

This one goes 7 and Winnipeg wins in OT. Sorry, Stepto.

Kings vs Vegas

The Kings teams that won the Stanley Cup were built to grind down opponents over a 7 game series. Even when San Jose went up 3-0, the Kings were able to just check them into submission and come all the way back. This Kings team does not play that way, and the longer the series goes, the more it favors the other team. Sure, I could write a script where they do it again against all the odds and blah blah blah, but everything is terrible and I just want some excitement, so I’m giving this to the Kings in 4. Yeah, you read that correctly. Kings sweep Vegas in round two. Book it.

Toronto vs. Florida

In the second game of the second round, something happens in the second intermission. Down a game and trailing, a Toronto team that’s been struggling to keep up with the defending champions breaks through in that third period and never looks back. GG, Florida. Leafs in 7.

Washington vs. Carolina

Some of you may notice that I stealth edited this in, after weirdly forgetting to include it originally. This series is back and forth the entire time. Nobody has a clear advantage, beyond Washington’s power play which is really just Ovechkin on the left side. It’s not enough, and Carolina squeaks past in a series that goes 7 games.

Conference Final

Kings vs. Jets

In reality, this is where the Kings go home.

Yeah screw that. In my story, this is a seven game series. The Kings steal a game in OT, we see at least one goalie battle, but the difference comes from Los Angeles’ young players. Byfield, Fiala, Laferriere and Turcotte surprise everyone with their maturity and composure in big situations. Kopitar and Doughty have been here before, and their experience both leads the other players and neutralizes the half a step or so they’re behind due to age and injury. Kuepmer doesn’t quite give us vintage Quick, but what he does give us rhymes with vintage quick. Winnipeg fully expects to win this at home, not unreasonably. But they didn’t count on this guy over here being the writer, and the Kings win it at home in game 7, right in front of me.

Toronto vs Carolina

It’s a classic Leafs vs Whalers matchup, just like the old days of 2002! Eddie Shore! Old Time Hockey! This is the series where Auston Matthews finally gets the national and casual fan attention he has deserved his entire career. Attention that has eluded him, because, come on, it’s Toronto. The Whale does not make it easy for the Leafs to win the series in 6 games.

Stanley Cup Final

It is the match-up we have all needed since 1993: a replay of the last time the Kings and the Leafs went deep in the playoffs, only this time it’s for the Big One. Leafs Nation wants revenge for the high stick that was not called, while Los Angeles desperately needs a series win that encourages our toxic trait of pretending that never happened. The drama is off the charts for this final. It’s Canada vs. USA. It’s East vs. West. It’s The Past vs. The Future. It’s so much better than whatever is really going to happen (which to be clear will still be cool) because there is no other potential Final match-up that carries this weight. It’s a series for the ages. No game is decided by more than one goal, at least two games to to OT, including game 7. The game and series and Stanley Cup winner comes from a Kopitar snipe at the top of the left circle, short-handed.

Okay, that’s the way I want this to go. And, if we accept that there are an infinite number of potential realities, all of them just beyond our perception, this is the way it will go, in at least one of them. So maybe it’ll be this one.

What do you think? I can talk about hockey the way I can talk about Star Trek. Let’s talk about it! Who are you cheering for? Who do you want to win? Who do you think will win?

And am I the only one who feels like the Stanley Cup Playoffs are always cool, but absolutely taking a back seat to the Four Nations Tournament this year?

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it’s an older meme sir, but it checks out

I have over 1000 hours in NHL 22. I’ve been playing Create A Pro for three years, guiding Blaine Gretzky to the top of every record possible in the Mirror Universe NHL. He will retire with the Kraken as the greatest player of all time.

But to get there, I have to play another three or four hundred games, and Blaine Gretzky is so OP now, the games aren’t all that challenging. I’ve also become VERY aware of the bugs they never squashed. While it is tremendously satisfying competence porn, it’s become a bit rote.

So I got myself NHL 25, which gets reasonably good reviews (correcting for typical EA Sports fuckery).

Holy shit it’s so much harder to play a rookie who is constantly getting knocked down and running out of gas after 30 seconds than it is playing a veteran who scores essentially whenever he shoots the puck. And since it’s been like 930 hours since I played this game as a rookie, I have had to learn all over again how to actually play the game, rather than just running over it because I’m so OP.

Which brings me to my current pro’s rookie season. His name is Johnny Marlowe. He wears number 13. He is named after my beloved dog, and is a tribute to Johnny Hockey (may his memory be a blessing).

After a disastrous 1-7 start to the season (can we talk about the goals the computer scores against itself when I’m on the bench? And how it tends to give itself 4 goal leads that way?), things finally started to turn around and we got the team’s record up to 3-9-2 and the coach challenged Marlowe to win 2 of the next 3 games.

No problem. I’m getting the hang of the flow and demands of the game, Marlowe is getting better, and 2 of 3 seems really doable, especially since I just unlocked his first zone ability.

Game 1 is against the division rival Washington Capitals (Marlowe plays for Carolina). Marlowe scored TWO goals in the first period, before getting boarded in the second, injured, and removed from the game … which Carolina goes on to lose, after Johnny Marlowe gave them a 2 goal lead in the first.

But not to worry! He’s not on the IR, and is ready to play in the second game, against Pittsburgh. We gotta win two in a row, boys! We can do it!

Johnny Marlowe is injured and removed form the game after an open ice hit on his first shift.

And I’m like … what the fuck, NHL 25? Give me a challenge, and then ensure I can’t complete it? Are you serious?

So I reached deep into my MEMEory to mark the occasion the only way I know how:

I posted this on Facebook, where about 500,000 accounts follow me, many of them actual human beings! After several hours, there were under 200 interactions, which honestly exceeded my expectations.

And it reminded me of this philosophy I have embraced since I heard Joel Hodgson say it in the 90s: “We don’t ask ourselves ‘who is going to get this?’; we remind ourselves “the right people are going to get this.”

And real quick, before I start my Sunday: if you recognize this old meme, and especially if you’re fondly remembering the rageface comics you made in college … it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

This was the worst Kings season in years. It’s time to fire Rob Blake.

Hockey incoming. If you don’t speak sports, keep on scrolling.

tl;dr: Hockey is supposed to be entertaining, even when teams are rebuilding. Teams are expected to be minimally competitive in the salary cap era. Kings fans have patiently waited through some very lean years, supporting an organization that’s fallen from its Stanley Cup years into a middling, rote, frustrating decade of missing the playoffs followed by three years of first round exits against the same team. The Kings need to clean house, starting with the GM and front office, or next season will be a repeat of this garbage season, which was the most frustrating and least entertaining season I’ve endured since the 80s. I mean, there were some really bad teams in the late 90s, but they could score power play goals, at least.

Rob Blake was a great player for the Kings. He has been a disaster as a general manager, and the Kings are going to be mid, at best, for years to come, due to his incompetence.

And I think his total failure to lead this organization comes down to two contracts: Cal Petersen and Pierre Luc DuBois. They should be hung around Blake’s neck like millstones, and he should personally write letters of apology to every season ticket holder (only mildly joking, there).

I want a reporter to ask him, and Luc Robataille, why they were the only two people in the entire NHL who didn’t see what DuBois has been showing the league since he was drafted: he has genuine talent, and he doesn’t use it. He coasts, he’s lazy, he’s selfish, he is — by all accounts — an absolute cancer in the locker room, he turns the puck over consistently, takes immature penalties away from the play, and drags down every single team he is part of.

None of this is a secret or should be a surprise. All you have to do is look at his numbers, take out the one season where he actually gave a shit, and have a very clear picture of a man who clearly does not care about playing in the NHL. If math doesn’t do it for you, talk to his former teams.

Rob Blake and Luc Robataille signed this guy for 8 years, taking up all the team’s cap space that was left after Rob Blake gave a 15 million dollar contract to Cal Petersen, who immediately unplugged his controller and will maybe play in the AHL, which is a shame. I really liked that guy and wanted him to succeed.

So at the deadline, when it’s painfully clear to everyone that the Kings need a goalie, they can’t do anything. Because this idiot tied up all the cap space with contracts that will take their place beside Lombardi’s curious choice to shovel money to Mike Richards when he had the opportunity to just release a clearly problematic player.

I sincerely do not understand how these guys can look at the same data that’s available to everyone, and somehow decide that it is actually the entire league and all of the former teammates of this cancerous boat anchor who are wrong; this is the guy who will step up to 1C and lead this team to playoff success.

The Kings are a decade away from the last time they were a genuinely competitive team. Kopitar and Doughty are legends, future hall of famers, and I love them. They are not top line, top minute players any more. That’s not on them, it’s just math, and they can still be valuable to this team in a different role. Put Kopi at 2C, move Doughty to the second pairing, and acknowledge that their amazing careers are nearing their end. Keep them in the room, on the bench, and providing leadership for Byfield, Anderson, Clarke, Thomas, and the rest. And go find and sign a fucking NHL goalie for fuck’s sake.

None of this will happen while the old boys club is in charge. These guys are just incompetent. They have nearly torn down all of the rebuilding work we have patiently endured for a decade, and they did it when we were within a year or so of actually accomplishing it. And why? It just doesn’t make sense. Why rush it when you’re so close?

I hope the entire organization cleans house from top to bottom. If that doesn’t happen, at the very least Rob Blake must be forced to answer for the damage he’s done to this team and its chances to be competitive.

I love this team and I love this sport. I love hockey dates with my favorite human. And I think I’m sitting out most of next year, because, win or lose, this team is just not entertaining. They are boring and frustrating to watch. I love Kopitar and Doughty. I can’t wait for the day their numbers are retired. But I am watching them struggle to keep up with the speed of the changing game, with no help from an overpaid, underachieving, turnover machine who doesn’t give a shit about his team. I watch them lead a power play that passes around the perimeter and shoots once, a rush that dumps the puck in for one shot, no rebound, a 1-3-1 that every other team in the league has solved, and I’m tired of it.

I will always be a fan of the team, but a night out to a hockey game isn’t cheap, and these guys aren’t earning it from me. As long as Rob Blake and Luc Robataille are in charge, the Kings will not be a serious organization.

If you’ve read this far, you probably know that my bracket is entirely blown up in both conferences (as anticipated), but I’m now pulling for the Stars, in memory of Stepto, and the Rangers, because Jonathan Quick.

If you’re a Kings fan, who do you want for head coach? How do you clean up Rob Blake’s mess?

Because nobody asked, here’s my 2024 Stanley Cup Playoffs bracket.

Because nobody asked, here’s my Stanley Cup Playoffs bracket.

Note this is not what I expect will happen, but what I want to happen because it would be fun.

Round 1 Western Conference:

  • Dallas Stars vs. Vegas Injured Reserve: Dallas in 5
  • Winnipeg Jets vs. Colorado Avalanche: Jets in 6
  • Vancouver Never Wins vs. Nashville Predators: Vancouver sweeps
  • Edmonton McDavids vs LA Kings: Kings in 7

Round 1 Eastern Conference:

  • Florida Panthers vs Tampa Bay Lightning: Florida in 5
  • Boston Bruins vs. Toronto Maple LOLs: Leafs in 7
  • New York Rangers vs Washington Capitals: Rangers sweep
  • Carolina Whalers vs. New York Islanders: Carolina in 6.

Round 2 Western Conference:

  • Dallas Stars vs. Winnipeg Jets: Winnipeg in 5
  • Vancouver Canucks vs LA Kings: Kings in 5

Round 2 Eastern Conference:

  • Florida Panthers vs Toronto Maple Leafs: Leafs sweep.
  • New York Rangers vs Carolina Hurricanes: Rangers in 5.

Western Conference Final:

  • Winnipeg Jets vs Los Angeles Kings: Kings in 5.

Eastern Conference Final:

  • Toronto Maple Leafs vs New York Rangers: Toronto ties it in the last minute of game 7 to force overtime, loses on an own-goal with 3 seconds left in the first overtime period.

Stanley Cup Final:

  • New York Rangers vs Los Angeles Kings: Kings in 6.

None of this will happen. But it sure would be fun if it did.