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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

Category: Television

blog

“that’s the picard maneuver. you can’t do that.”

Posted on 4 February, 2025 By Wil

There’s a post in r/startrek collecting some of the more memorable stories we have told, and fans have remembered, over the decades.

I added one of my own, which I know I’ve written about before, but not here, I don’t think.

It’s about Patrick Stewart tugging on his tunic top, which always wanted to ride up when he (or anyone wearing the uniform) sat down. Because Patrick can’t do anything halfway, he made it very dramatic. Over time, he began to use it as a little bit of business in appropriate moments.

This is a story about that.

We were filming on the bridge. The scene started with Wesley standing, and after half a page or so, he sits down at the conn and I think plots a course or something.

Whenever Wesley sat down, he pulled his jacket tight, just like Picard always did. If you look, you’ll see that we all do that. That’s an important bit of context: we all did that.

So it was like take four of the scene. After we cut on take three, this producer came into the set and stood off camera, just to the right of the viewscreen, as we were looking at it. We do take four, and while we are resetting for take five, this producer comes over to me, leans down so nobody can hear him, and says, “You can’t pull your tunic down like that. That’s the Picard Maneuver, and only Picard can do that.”

So, first of all: this guy is so far out of his lane, he isn’t on the map. If anyone is ever going to talk to an actor, especially in between takes, it always goes through the First Assistant Director, and the Director. It’s a matter of professional respect, and it’s important for our work. If anyone can come up and give us notes or whatever, we will end up with all these conflicting notes, unsure which one to actually listen to.

I’m just 17 or so, and even I know all of this, but I don’t want to get in trouble, so I just say, “…okay. How am I supposed to stop it from riding up to my tits when I sit down? Because that’s what happens.”

He looks so annoyed at me, and sort of bark-whispers, “Just don’t touch it.” And he scurries away into the darkness of the stage.

I am so tired of being treated differently than these same people treat the adults, and I still haven’t learned how to speak up for myself, directly. But I am about to engage in a bit of malicious compliance, the only form of resistance I know how to employ.

We reset, they roll, and when Wesley sits down, his tunic comes all the way up, just like I said it would. It exposes my fake muscle suit, my bracers holding up my trousers, and absolutely ruins the take.

“Cut!” The director calls from offstage.

“Wil, you have to pull your tunic down,” he says, with this tone of utter confusion. Like, obviously.

“Yeah, I know,” I say, looking straight at the guy who is about to wish he’d stayed in his lane, “but [his name] told me that I wasn’t allowed to do the Picard Maneuver, so…” and I shrug, the tunic still bunched up.

That guy turned so bright red, he lit up in the darkness. Everyone on the entire crew looked at him. He sputtered something, and quickly fled the stage.

I made eye contact with Brent and with Frakes. They both looked back at me, communicating their approval. It felt great.

I can’t say for sure that we printed the next take and moved on, but it’s a great way to end the story so let’s go with that.

That guy never gave me a note again. If I recall correctly, my little tunic tug (similar to, yet legally distinctly different from the Picard Maneuver) is in the final cut of the episode

Television

Christmas with Grubbs – an animated holiday special I worked on that you and your kids will love.

Posted on 17 December, 2024 By Wil

Christmas with Grubbs is a heartwarming, animated, holiday special that takes a lot of inspiration from the classic cartoons I grew up watching this time of year, especially the Peanuts specials.

Oh, Gen X! Here, this is for us:

Did you feel it? Even now, I feel it.

Okay, so on to Grubbs! It’s adapted from Max Weaver’s comic about a little boy and his imaginary friend who keeps getting him into trouble. I get to voice the imaginary friend, Tyler, and it was even more fun than you think.

This is such a lovely, classic, heartwarming holiday special, that is perfect to watch with your kids. I’ve embedded the YouTube link below, where it’s freely available for everyone to watch and *cough* *cough* share with your friends and family so we have a better chance to be picked up for a full season.

blog

The Wedding Crusher

Posted on 13 September, 2024 By Wil

Okay, so. I’m developing this Star Trek Lower Decks fan fiction I call The Wedding Crusher.

There’s a wedding on the Cerritos. Traveler Wesley shows up because he loves to crash Starfleet weddings. It’s kind of his thing.

When he gets there, he runs into Mariner. For the rest of the time he is on the ship, all he wants is for her to think he’s cool, because they went to academy together when he was decidedly NOT cool.

There’s a quick scene where Ransom runs into him, and is absolutely POSITIVE they know each other. Wesley says they’ve never met. Ransom says that they definitely know each other. Maybe from when they were kids?

Meanwhile, Boimler is just BESIDE himself that Wesley Freakin’ Crusher, who piloted the Enterprise, who knows and works with a lot of Boimler’s heroes, is on Boimler’s ship. So Boimler wants Wesley to think HE is cool, and we enjoy Wesley being both Boimler AND Mariner in these various interactions. But Boimler is being that delightfully exuberant dude we love, but he’s just trying too hard.

Right around the time Wesley is about to just lose it at him, Boimler nerds out REAL HARD at Wesley about some technobabble science thing, and it speaks so loudly to Wesley’s inner nerd, they end up on a major science project together that brings in Rutherford. When it’s done, they all sign it, and OF COURSE it ends up saving the Cerritos in the third act.

In the denouement, they are all in the ship’s bar, celebrating. Mariner is setting Wesley up for the thing he’s wanted so badly. She’s about to tell him how cool he is … and instead she pulls a switcheroo and just ROASTS him in the most hilarious way possible. I haven’t figured out what it is, yet.

Wesley is so severely burned, he sort of chokes on his drink, tries to do a comeback, fails, tries again, fails again, and then does this Traveler thing where he basically Men In Black’s them with an “I was never here” snap of his fingers. They have a beat together where they play most of the scene again, only this time it’s Boimler who did it with Rutherford’s help. Fade out.

CUT TO: Wesley sitting with the OG Traveler, who asks him how it went, and Wesley is like I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. The Traveler gives him a slice of wedding cake to ease his pain, and Wesley gratefully devours it. “You really gotta come with me to one of these things,” he tells him while he eats.

The final shot is the Cerritos cruising away while we hear a voice over from Boimler and Rutherford wondering how Wesley Crusher’s signature got on this thing.

THE END.

Current Affairs

rest in peace, bob newhart

Posted on 18 July, 2024 By Wil

When I worked on Big Bang Theory, each episode involved a few days of rehearsal before we did camera blocking and the actual taping in front of the audience. Most actors go to our dressing rooms during breaks to relax, learn lines, grab a nap, and so on. But when I worked there, if I wasn’t in a scene, I’d stay on the stage and watch the other actors work. It was like getting to sit in on an advanced acting class, without ever having to stand up in front of the other students. I learned so much from that, I am a more fully-equipped performer than I would otherwise be, certainly when it comes to comedy.

When I had the extraordinary privilege of working in the same episodes as Bob Newhart, I stayed on the stage the whole time, just to watch him work. I mean, how could I not? He made it all look so easy, and holy shit he was so funny, even more than you think.

One day, he and I ended up sitting next to each other during a break in production. In the industry, we call it “taking a five” or “a quick ten” or something like that. Just a little break for everyone to catch their breaths. A couple of the writers were there, I think, and maybe one or two other actors. And we all sat there, while Bob Newhart told stories about his life and career. It was amazing. This legend, just talking to us like it was no big deal, sharing these incredible experiences with us. I knew then that I would never forget it, that I would cherish that experience for the rest of my life.

I just read the news that Bob Newhart passed away at 94, and this memory has come back to me, like it was yesterday.

He didn’t need to be kind. He didn’t need to tell us these stories. He didn’t owe us any of his time. And yet he did, and he loved it. Because he chose to do all those things, I have a gift that Bob Newhart gave me. I haven’t opened it in a while, but I took it out today, and I was grateful.

Rest well, Bob.

May his memory be a blessing.

Television

announcing the officially unofficial wesley crusher fan club

Posted on 17 May, 2024 By Wil

I’ve done a bunch of fun projects with Stands over the years. Today, we launched our latest: The Officially UNofficial Wesley Crusher Fan Club!

Over the years, I’ve met thousands of people who are around my age and grew up absolutely loving Wesley Crusher. They were inspired by him. They related to him when adults expected him to be an adult, but treated him like he was a kid. They wanted to be his friend on the Enterprise, part of his sick breakdancing crew. All the complaints about the — let’s generously say “uneven” — writing and early character development didn’t matter to them, they were just happy to see someone like them on Star Trek.

I never knew about that — we never knew about each other — because we were kids. But I’ve met so many of you, and I’ve shared your stories so widely, it’s not a sampling error. We all now know how beloved Wesley Crusher is and always was, so I conspired with my friends at Stands, and the Officially Unofficial Wesley Crusher Fan Club is open for members.

I love this. I think a lot of you are going to love it, too.

I think you’ll also love that every purchase supports GLSEN, an organization that works to ensure that LGBTQ students are able to learn and grow in a school environment free from bullying and harassment.

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