I made really yummy squash on the barbecue/smoker tonight. Here’s how:

Get whatever summer squash you like. I love zucchini and the yellow squashes that sort of hook at the top and if you try to talk to them they look at you like you’re stupid because squash can’t talk, you idiot.

I wash them, then cut them more or less in half. I take each half and slice it, longwise, into four pieces. I pretend I can’t hear the horrible screams from the yellow squash when I do that.

Then I put them all in a shallow bowl or something, and toss them in a very tiny bit of olive oil. You can try tossing them in wimpy, but you won’t get them back until Tuesday, and by then you probably don’t want them.

Now the spices. This part is more art than science, so just use your best judgement and be careful not to overdo it.

I use some black pepper, pink Himalayan salt, and Trader Joe’s Everyday Seasoning, which is a grinder with mustard seed, coriander, sea salt, onion, garlic, paprika, and chili pepper. Grind all that stuff up together, and then toss it over your squash. When the yellow squash makes weird porny noises, just ignore it, unless you’re into that thing. Wash your hands when you’re finished, weirdo.

Spread the veggies all out on either the grill, or one of those veggie basket things. The important thing is that each piece of squash is touching the grill with its skin, so its seeds are looking back at you like “you monster we were going to be more plants!”

You want this to be over VERY HIGH HEAT initially, for about 4 or 5 minutes. After that, you can move them to another part of the grill for a little bit while the coals settle down. What you’re trying to do is get some of the skin to heat up a whole bunch and get blackened.

Let them sit on the grill for another few minutes, then turn them all over so the seeds are like wait this is much worse now we’re staring into the “fiery fires of the barbecue and oh god it is burning us into deliciousness!”

If you have wood chips (I use mesquite) throw them onto the coals now, and let the fires leap up and kiss the squash. Play some Barry White if it helps. After a minute — and no longer than a minute — close the lid of your barbecue, so it fills up with smoke. Now you’re going to smoke the squash for about six or seven or eight or whatever minutes. Play some Grateful Dead or Phish if it’ll get them into the mood.

Take the squash off the barbecue and give it a couple minutes to cool, because HOLY FUCK WILL IT BURN THE EVERLOVINGSHITCOCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON’T, which is how it gets its revenge on you.

Some people like the squash to be crunchy. I don’t, and I won’t judge those clearly insane people. If you know one of those mentally-challenged people, just have them reduce all the times by a minute or two, and then secretly laugh at them while you enjoy your cooked-to-perfection barbecued summer squash.