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just thinking

Posted on By Wil

I’m thinking about kids who are doing online learning, when they want to be at school with their peers. I’m thinking about their parents who are suddenly thrust into an educator role they may not want or feel prepared for. I’m thinking about good, honest, hardworking people who are in danger of losing their homes through no fault of their own, desperate for some protection from predatory lenders and landlords. I’m thinking about the people who are getting up and going to work every day, for corporations who don’t care if they live or die, so the rest of us can have food and other essentials. I’m thinking of the people who did everything right, and still got sick because a selfish person refused to take this pandemic seriously. I’m thinking of the nearly 200,000 people who have died and the loved ones who are mourning their loss. I’m thinking of the BIPoC who are living through the dual traumas of being BIPoC in America in 2020, and living through a pandemic that affects people who look like them more harshly than it affects people who look like me. I’m thinking about teachers and educators who don’t want to be in classrooms because of the pandemic, but who also want to be there for their kids. It’s going to be unimaginably difficult to keep kids safe (think of how hard it is to get us to sit still) and give them the best quality education these teachers can provide.

I’m thinking about all these things, and how overwhelming all of this is, for all of us. If it’s tough for me, I can’t comprehend how tough it is for someone without my privilege.

I know that my experience is substantially easier and less disruptive to my life than it is to almost everyone else, and maybe that allows me the space to be the person I need in the world right now. So I’m sharing the reminder and the advice I gave myself, earlier today, when I needed it.

  • Remember to look for the Helpers.
  • Remember to BE a Helper.
  • Remember that this is not forever.
  • Remember that, as terrible as everything is right now, we’ve been here before and come back from it. We owe it to ourselves and to our children to be as resilient and committed as our ancestors were in their day.
  • Remember that we are living through a major trauma unlike anything most of us have ever experienced in our lives. We haven’t done this before, so we are figuring it all out in real time. It’s hard and it’s scary, and we need to be as gentle with ourselves as we are with our kids and loved ones.

This stuff is helping me today. Maybe if you need it, it’ll be helpful to you, too.

Also, real quick before I hit publish: Teachers, I see you. I’m grateful for you and I love you.

blog

i’m writing a new book

Posted on By Wil

I can’t talk about what, specifically, I’m writing, but I am excited af to say that today, I began work on my next writing project.
It’ll be about a year or so before this project is finished and on shelves, but today, I got into it for the first time.

The beginning is always a slog. I have to just puke up whatever is in my brain, so I can put down a foundation and some framing. I’m doing work that likely won’t be seen by anyone other than my editor, but it’s still vital to the process.

This particular beginning isn’t as tough as I was expecting, which is a blessing. Every book, every essay, every speech, all have their own process, their own discovery, their own expression of my creative self. Each one is different, and each one takes some time to tell me how it’s going to be written. This thing seems to be easier and more fluid than I expected it would be, and the words came very easily this morning.

I expect that I’m going to rewrite and reject a lot of what I’m doing today, but HOLY SHIT does it feel good to be doing it. I haven’t been a capital-w Writer for a long, long time, and though the Writer Outfit is a little wrinkled and musty, it still fits.

blog

i am grateful

Posted on By Wil

I don’t fall asleep easily. I never have. For much of my adult life, I actually dreaded going to sleep, because I had panic attacks every night that woke me up in absolute terror. (Once I figured out why they were happening, they stopped. It only took 45 years. Go me.)

It’s tough to fall asleep for me, because that’s when my anxiety does its most aggressive work expressing itself. Before I even hit the pillow, my brain is replaying everything I’m pretty sure I did wrong that day, taking occasional breaks to worry about, well, everything. My brain will work itself up so much it actually makes my heart speed up. When I’m supposed to be relaxing.

It’s not great, Dan.

But I started doing something that’s been incredibly helpful, and I thought I’d share it.

Every night as I’m getting ready for bed, I focus on a list of things for which I am grateful. I call it “doing my gratitudes”. I just start somewhere, like “I am grateful that I am going to sleep in a warm, safe bed. I am grateful that I get to share this bed with Anne. I am grateful I have enough food.” Stuff like that. I remind myself that there is so much that is good in my life, and by thinking about those things, recognizing those things, and making space to feel grateful for them, I do not give my anxiety an opportunity to grab hold of anything and go to work on me.

Sometimes, it starts with silly stuff like “I’m grateful I got a shutout in NHL20” or “I’m grateful we have more LaCroix than we can drink in a day” and then I quickly get to “I am grateful I can afford a PS4 and NHL20. I am grateful that I have the dexterity required to play video games. I am grateful we can afford more LaCroix than we can drink in a day” and so on.

There’s no right or wrong way to do this. If you’re anxiety prone like I am, you may lock up trying to do your gratitudes the right way. Tell your anxiety I said, “Go fuck yourself. There’s no right or wrong way to be sincerely grateful. You just are grateful, and that’s enough.”

I’ve been doing this for months now. Maybe it’s a year or so? I don’t know. What even is time these days and how is it Thursday when it was literally just Friday yesterday that doesn’t even make sense.

You don’t have to tell anyone you’re doing this, and it’s not a contest to see who is the most grateful. It’s just a way to focus on the good things in this world that are worth fightin’ for, Mister Frodo, and to remember that even though everything is terrible, there are still bright lights shining in all this darkness.

Those bright lights are so important right now, whether they are stadium lights turning night into day, or pinpricks that barely allow candlelight through black velvet. Spending time in gratitude makes it easier for me to find the light, and remember that it is there, even when I can’t see it.

I’ve found that, even when I’m having a rough day, deliberately switching my brain into gratitude is my escape hatch. Maybe it’ll work for you, or at least help you find yours.

blog

Exciting and New

Posted on By Wil

When I was … 22 or so, I bought my first house (very young, too young, to be a homeowner, but that’s a whole other story for another time).

It was a small house, built in the 30s. I bought it from the man who built it, which was really cool.

I didn’t know how to decorate my house, because I shouldn’t have even owned a house. I should have been in an apartment somewhere. Again, another story for another time. I decorated it the way a child decorates his dorm room, because that’s about how mature I was.

Anyway, I was at Hollywood Book and Poster or some shop like that, and they were selling cast photos from pretty much every television show that had existed to that point, so I bought a bunch of pictures of the cast from The Love Boat, and I put them in frames all over my house, like they were my family.

Not a lot of people noticed, or got the joke, but this girl I was dating at the time got the joke, appreciated the joke, and has been married to me for twenty years.

Current Affairs

“Host” is a fantastic horror movie.

Posted on By Wil

A few days ago, my friend, Bonnie, recommended a movie to me that she’d seen on Shudder.

It’s called Host:

Six friends get together during lockdown for their weekly zoom call. It’s Haley’s turn to organise an activity and instead of a quiz, she’s arranged for a Medium to conduct a séance. Bored and feeling mischievous, [I removed something here that’s kind of a spoiler. It’s better to discover this in the narrative]. The friends begin noticing strange occurrences in their homes as the evil presence begins to make itself known, and they soon realise that they might not survive the night. A SHUDDER ORIGINAL.

I haven’t been legit scared by a horror movie in YEARS, but Host really nailed it. It’s creepy, unsettling, genuinely scary, and BRILLIANT. I watched it alone in my gameroom after Anne had gone to sleep, and by the end, I was looking at every shadow in the room.

This is the first thing I’ve seen that was made post-Coronavirus, the first thing that is set in the fucked up world we’re trapped in right now. The filmmakers just fucking NAILED it. It’s so good, I’m not afraid of overselling it.

It’s only 56 minutes long, and every minute is just perfect. I love this movie, and I can’t recommend it enough.