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thank you for your kindness

I’ve been reading all the comments so many of you left on my last post, and I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your kindness. It really does mean a lot to me, and it really does make a big difference, to know that I’m not the only creative person who is struggling right now, and has been struggling this entire year. It means so much to me that so many of you who are reading this took a moment to let me know that you’re there, and that you care about what I make.

The Internet in 2017 (at least in my personal experience, which is absolutely affected by my depression) is so flooded by casual cruelty, it is overwhelming and suffocating and exhausting. Thank you for showing and reminding me that good and kind people are in this world. Thank you for taking the time and making the effort to reach out to me. You didn’t have to do that, and I’m very grateful that you did.

I went to my brain doctor a few days ago, and talked with him about how much I’ve been struggling. I told him how bad I’ve been feeling, and how hard it’s been for me to do any of the creative things that I’ve always loved to do. He told me that a lot of his patients are having the most challenging year they’ve had in a long time, so it’s not just me. We talked about some different things we could do, and decided to change up my meds a little bit. The adjustment has been tough for the last few days, but I woke up this morning feeling hopeful and … well, not joyful or even happy, but at least I didn’t feel bad. I know that doesn’t sound like much of an improvement, but it really is. It’s going to take another ten to fourteen days for my brain to fully adjust, but I’m hopeful and optimistic that this is going to help me get back to feeling like a person, instead of a bag of failure and sadness.

 

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this is stupid

Every day, I open up this editor.

Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.

Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.

And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.

I really really really hate this.

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What’s the best entry point for Dungeons and Dragons?

A Redditor messaged me, “You’re a board game guy so i figured I’d take a shot in the dark and ask for your advice. Basically wanted to start Dungeons and Dragons and wanted your recommendation on the cheapest way to get everything I needed to actually start playing for real[assuming my boyfriend and our friends want to make it a regular thing]. I’ve seen people debating on what handbooks and packs i need to start, and i want to be sure I’m not wasting my money on useless books and all that”

It’s been way too long since I played or talked about D&D, so I’m sharing my response here, in case it’s helpful to other people.

Hey! I’m so glad you asked me, and I’m happy to help. This is one of those questions that wakes up the gatekeepers and can lead to people giving up and walking away from D&D before they ever start. I’ll do my best to give you a simple answer, and then some more information that you can come back to later, if you’re interested.

Speaking as a voice of experience, who has played the game since 1983, and who is intimately familiar with every edition and potential entry point: the very best way to get started is to pick up the 5th edition starter set. It has everything you need to learn and play the game, and if it turns out that D&D isn’t for you, you’ve only spent around $20. It’s widely available in bookstores, toy stores, and tabletop game shops. It’s written specifically for people who are new to the game, so it walks you through the basics and gives you information that you need when you need it, instead of overloading you with a bunch of facts all at once. For your twenty bucks, you’ll get enough to play for several sessions, and by the time you’re finished with the adventure it contains, you’ll know if you want to keep playing, or if D&D just isn’t for you.

You can stop now, and come back later if you’re still interested in the game, and want some more resources.

Okay, so if you want to get a deeper look at the rules that are in the Core Rule Books, Wizards of the Coast has a lot of free resources online to help you get your feet wet, including the basic rules.

Matt Mercer and Satine Phoenix have made tons of super helpful videos for Geek and Sundry about running games, including little tricks and things that can make adventures more interesting and fun for the players. They’re on the G&S YouTube channel.

If you’ve decided that you love D&D and you can’t wait to dive in a little deeper than the starter set, you will need to get the Core Rule Books. This is your first substantial investment, because there are three of them at minimum, and they all cost around $30 each. These books teach you how to design and create your own characters and adventures. They also give you the information you need to play through the published campaigns that Wizards has released, like Tomb of Annihilation, or Hoard of the Dragon Queen.

If you love that, and you want to start building your own adventures and campaigns in that world, Wizards has these incredible and detailed guides to their primary fantasy world, The Forgotten Realms (think if it like Middle Earth for D&D), including the Sword Coast Adventures Guide. These books don’t give you a specific adventure to run, but they tell you everything you need to know about the history, geography, fantasy races, cities and towns, and secret lore of that world.

I could go on and on, but I already have, so I’ll stop here. Feel free to shoot me a message if you have additional questions at any point in the future!

So this got me thinking: what’s going on in D&D right now? Is there a published adventure you love? A campaign setting you think veteran players should check out? Tell us, if you’re interested in sharing that sort of thing.

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Look what you made me do! Here’s my first impression of Taylor Swift’s Reputation.

I am so far out of the demo, this feels maybe like an Abrictosaurus reviewing an opera, but for the six of you who have asked me if I’ve listened to the new Taylor Swift record, Reputation, (because I’m such a big dumb fan of 1989), here are my first impressions.

I just finished the first playthrough, and I like it. I haven’t paid super close to the lyrics, because I’ve literally listened to it one time, so this is just based on the general musical tone and pacing of the album.

Thoughts on the rest of the record:

…Ready For It? kicks off with a punch that winds me up for the rest of the record. I’m generally not a big fan of that dubstep wuuuubbbbvvvvsszzzzzzsound, but it works for me in this context.

End Game is a collaboration with Ed Sheeran and Future that left me cold. It feels out of place on this album, but especially after …Ready For It? got me so pumped up to hear what comes next. The vocals are so overproduced, the whole thing is a little much for me, but I suspect that the legion of Taylor fans who love Ed Sheeran will eat it up. (See above about how I’m not in the demo for the album.)

I Did Something Bad is glorious, lyrically and musically. I love that Taylor Swift is just dropping a huge DEAL WITH IT to everyone. This is probably my favorite song on the album.

Don’t Blame Me feels like a Lorde song, which sort of made me go “Buh? Wha? Fluh? Huh?” because I listened to Melodrama right before I listened to Reputation.

Delicate didn’t do much for me.

Look What You Made Me Do didn’t floor me when it was a single, but I feel like it works so much better in the context of the album, which isn’t what I expect from a pop album that is usually designed to have a bunch of singles (notable exception is Tove Lo’s Queen of the Clouds, which is a pop concept album and damn near perfect. Also, her new record, Blue Lips, is great).

So It Goes… feels like a song that could have been on 1989, and I mean that in the very best way.

Gorgeous is another one that could have been on 1989, the emotional B-side to Blank Space. I expect it to come back around in summer.

Getaway Car feels like a song that didn’t quite make the cut for 1989. I wasn’t crazy about it.

King of My Heart has this particular beat that’s common in pop right now that isn’t my favorite thing, and the vocals are way over processed, but for some reason those two things come together to make this track the exception that proves the rule.

Dancing With Our Hands Tied feels sort of like if Imogen Heap collaborated with Everything But The Girl in like 2002. It’s lush in a way that I haven’t heard Taylor Swift before, and I really liked that.

I’m not crazy about the falsetto in Dress, but maybe that’ll change.

This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things is a lot of fun, and feels like it would be right at home in a modern Broadway musical. (And honestly, I just don’t care who – if anyone – that song is about. Music critics just need to get over the tired trope that Taylor Swift writes songs about everyone she has dated or known or whatever. Maybe this song is about someone in particular, but why does that even matter? Maybe it’s about you, stupid music critic, you big dummy.)

New Year’s Day is a great album closer. The stripped down vocals, simple harmony, and solo piano are such a great counterpoint to the production of the rest of the album. I can feel the brief moment of darkness at the end of it, before the house lights come up, as the lights go out on the stage. I think this song is going to be in a lot of graduation videos this year.

So, overall, 4 out of 5. One track I just don’t like at all, two tracks that I can take or leave, and 12 songs I really liked. Reputation didn’t grab me on its first listen the way 1989 did, but I feel like I’m going to get into it more upon subsequent plays.

But not grabbing me right away and compelling me to restart the album right away doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a great record; it just means that it wants me to do a little work to find my way into it. It’s like, The Bends grabbed me right away and I played it to death. OK Computer took me several listens to appreciate and love, and all these years later, I never play The Bends, and will put OK Computer on pretty much always.

Did I just compare Taylor Swift to Radiohead? You bet your face I did. Don’t @ me. I contain multitudes.

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point of clarification

I see that the right wing noise machine has spun up and worked its adherents into quite a furor about me.
 
Fox News and its allies are working really hard to deflect attention and anger away from the role that unfettered access to weapons of mass murder played in the latest incidence of mass murder in America. Fox News and its allies want you to be angry at something they misled you into believing I said, so you will take the anger and sorrow and desire for action you feel after a mass shooting, and aim it at me, instead of holding the people in power who could prevent this to account. Fox News, Paul Ryan, and their allies are counting on their ability to fool you into believing their lies, so they can continue to do nothing until the next mass shooting, when they’ll offer thoughts and prayers but no action.
 
For a certain demographic of Fox News viewer, what I’m writing here won’t be enough. They just want to express righteous indignation and pat themselves on the back because it serves their narrative, so I’m not writing this for them. I’m writing this for reasonable people who are as sick and angry as I am about the endless cycle of preventable gun violence in America.
 
This is what I wrote yesterday, when I first saw that I was being misunderstood:
 
“I am so sick and angry that this keeps happening. America is the only first world country where we do nothing while our fellow humans are slaughtered by entirely preventable gun violence every day.
 
“People like Paul Ryan can write and pass laws that can address this epidemic of gun violence, which should be considered a public health crisis, but instead, Paul Ryan and people like him offer “thoughts and prayers” as a shield for their inaction.
 
“I heard privately from some close friends who are people of sincere Faith, and they were concerned that my anger at Paul Ryan would be misread as an attack on people of Faith. I want and need to apologize to anyone who felt like I was attacking them, or their faith (unless that person is Paul Ryan). I respect your Faith, even if I do not share it. I respect that prayer brings comfort and strength and guidance for a lot of people, and if you are one of those people, praying for God to bring comfort and strength to the families and friends of the victims and survivors is a deeply meaningful act.
 
“I am not attacking you or your Faith, and I see that in my anger, I didn’t write my thoughts as clearly as I could have. For that I sincerely apologize to anyone who I offended or hurt. I can’t take it back, but I can tell you that it was never my intention, nor is it my belief.
 
“I am angry at people like Paul Ryan who are quick to offer their thoughts and prayers after mass murder, but who refuse to do anything to even attempt to slow or stop the epidemic of gun violence that plagues America. He and people like him are hoping that you will give him a pass and let him exploit your Faith so he can continue to shrug his shoulders, take money from the NRA, and do absolutely nothing else.
 
“So just to be crystal clear: I apologize to those of you who are sincere people of Faith, who felt attacked by me. That was not my intention.”
 
==
 
To the professional atheists out there who are endlessly cruel, condescending, and dismissive toward people of Faith: I am not your ally and I’m not on your team. Don’t claim me as one of your own, because the right wing noise machine misinterpreted what I said (and I will do better in the future, to prevent my words from being misunderstood and misconstrued so easily).
 
To anyone who believes that my anger at Paul Ryan’s empty words is in any way directed toward the victims of gun violence: Attacking the victims, the survivors, or the victim’s families of any mass shooting, the way Alex Jones does with his false flag lies, is despicable and inexcusable. I want to be very clear: I was not and I am not attacking anyone who was in that church, I am not mocking their Faith. I don’t believe that a reasonable person would believe that I was, but because that lie has taken hold as a narrative, it’s important to me that I restate this, once again: Paul Ryan hides behind empty words about thoughts and prayers, exploiting the real and sincere beliefs held by people of Faith. He and people like him offer words without deeds over and over again, and I’m sick and tired of it. *That* is what I am attacking, and that is what I am angry about.
 
Fox News and its allies are working really hard to deflect attention and anger away from the role that unfettered access to weapons of mass murder played in the latest incidence of mass murder in America. Fox News and its allies want you to be angry at something they mislead you into believing I said, so you will take the anger and sorrow and desire for action you feel after a mass shooting, and aim it at me, instead of holding the people in power who could prevent this to account. Fox News, Paul Ryan, and their allies are counting on their ability to fool you into believing their lies, so they can continue to do nothing until the next mass shooting, when they’ll offer thoughts and prayers but no action.
 
Once again, to people of Faith who find comfort and strength in prayer: I am not mocking or belittling or attacking you or your relationship with God, and if you felt that I was, I hope you will accept this apology.
 
I will not apologize for being angry at Paul Ryan and people like him who have words but no deeds, and I hope that people of Faith will hold him to account.