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on healing trauma by being the person i need in the world

Posted on By Wil

Every day, I do my best to be the person I need in the world, the person who was never there for me when I was a kid. I do my best to be kind, patient, and gentle. I do my best to look for joy and glimmers, to create joy and glimmers for others. When I am working hard to be that person for myself, I am occasionally that person for someone in the world who I may never meet in person. And when I hear from those people, who bravely trust me with their stories, it inspires me to keep going. Because on those days when it’s REALLY hard, when I know I’m fucking up and not being the person I want to be, I can forgive myself and remember that everyone fucks up from time to time, but not everyone makes the effort to learn and grow. Time I spend beating myself up for fucking up is time I am not spending being the person I need, so I lose twice (like the Dodgers, yesterday!).

I sat down with Mayim Bialik to talk about surviving childhood abuse and exploitation, reparenting myself, and how I’ve grown and healed since we last spoke on her podcast, about three years ago.

You also get to see me get triggered in real time, realize it, recover from it, and address what happened. It’s a little embarrassing to see myself fuck up like that, in public no less, and be reactive when I want to be responsive, but I feel like it could be a valuable teaching moment and that’s worth a little embarrassment, if it’s helpful to literally anyone else in the world.

I hope you’ll make some time to watch or listen to this, with the warning that I speak about being abused by my father, exploited by both of my parents, abandoned by all but one of my relatives (and even that’s barely there, only when I reach out), and how I’ve worked so hard to overcome all of it.

I also talk a little bit about It’s Storytime, which I’d love for you to subscribe to if you haven’t already. New episodes drop every Wednesday!

If you’d like to get these posts in your email, here’s the thingy:

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rock and or roll

Posted on By Wil

Saturday night, my friend and I went to see The Linda Lindas and Be Your Own Pet at the Novo, at LA Live.

I haven’t been to the Novo before (I think maybe it was a bowling alley at one point? Part of it felt familiar, and the bowling alley is the only place I’ve been that would fit the memory), and I was thrilled to discover a new (to me) venue with fantastic sight lines and great sound.

I saw Linda Lindas open for Blondie1 at the Greek like two years ago, and they killed. I’ve been a fan since I heard Racist, Sexist Boy* about three years ago, and I am emotionally invested in their happiness and success. They are going to blow up before we know it, and take their place as the 21st century’s Go-Gos, or Runaways. I just love those kids!

Did I mention they are all kids? When I saw them at the Greek, I think Mila, the dummer, was 12? And Bela, one of their guitarists, was like 16? You’d never know it, based on their stage presence and technical chops.

Don’t sleep on them, is what I’m saying. In a year, they won’t be playing the Novo; they’ll be playing much larger venues, and the intimacy of these shows won’t be possible.

It was the first time I’ve seen Be Your Own Pet, though I’ve been listening to them for years, since I started a Spotify station with Rebel Girl and just let it go, so I could discover new music. (When Riot Grrl was at its peak, I was a really dumb boy, so I missed a lot of it. Better late than never, dumb boys.)

I came home from the show pretty late, and I was up even later while I waited for the energy and excitement of the show to fade so I could go to sleep. (A well-worn joke in my book is: I am 52 years-old. I’m tired all the time except between the hours of 10pm and 3 am.) I considered going into Fallout 76 to work on my camp, then remembered all the times I did that “real quick” for three or four hours that flew by without me noticing. So I was off to the YouTubes!

I went through my subscriptions, and ended up watching a short from this guy called Professor of Rock, who does the kind of deep dive explorations into music and its history that speak directly to my inner nerd in a form of high elvish that has mostly been forgotten. (Remember: being a nerd isn’t about what you love; it’s about the way you love it.)

I’ve learned lots of things from him over the years, but I know a lot about music myself (Willem Dafoe Meme) so it’s rare that I go “Holy shit I didn’t know that!”

Guess where I’m going with this? I learned something that not only did I not know, it reset what I thought I knew about it.

He has a video about long songs that broke the Billboard hot 100 at a time when it was exceedingly rare for anything longer than 4 minutes to get radio play. Olds like me who grew up in the 70s and 80s probably jumped way ahead of him: Stairway to Heaven, One of These Days, Side 2 of Abbey Road (called Golden Slumbers for the single version), etc.

Only none of those were on his list! Clever girl (Jurassic Park meme).

I don’t want to spoil the countdown, in case you’re going to watch it. But I do want to share one song he included, because until this weekend, I didn’t know that this version existed. This is the full album version of Inna-Gada-Davida, by Iron Butterfly:

AKA

I’ve known the story of Inna Gadda Da Vida for so long, I can’t remember when or where I learned about it. I’ve never been a particularly big fan of it, because it’s … well, it’s boring and repetitive.

Oh, but that’s the radio version that you’ve heard, Wil Wheaton, did you know there is a SEVENTEEN MINUTE VERSION THAT ROCKS YOUR FUCKING FACE RIGHT OFF?

Well, now I do, thanks to the Professor of Rock, and holy shit I’ve listened to it so many times since Saturday, I’m at risk of burning myself out. AND I’ve been listening to the whole album, which I never even gave a second look, because I didn’t like what I thought was the only version of the title song.

So thanks, Professor! It turns out that, even at 52 years-old, there are still wonderful and surprising opportunities to learn and discover new things. I appreciate the reminder.

Hey, check out my amazing segue:

If you’re into discovering new things, maybe you’ll enjoy my new podcast, It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton. Every week I narrate a new short story from authors you don’t yet know you love. It’s available wherever you get your podcasts:

And if you want to subscribe to my blog’s newsletter:

Rock on, friends.

*I love that Bella is wearing the same Kim Gordon shirt by Kathleen Hanna that I wear from time to time.

  1. May his memory be a blessing ↩︎
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in which i realize i look like at least half of a vampire

Posted on By Wil

Everything is terrible, and you deserve a break from it. Allow me to serve up links to a pair of interviews I recently did, for your enjoyment and diversion.

Before I get there, I gave y’all the wrong link for my show’s Patreon. which is exactly what you want to do when you’re building a new show. The correct link is patreon.com/storytime. 80 subscribers in 48 hours is such a fantastic start! I can’t wait to share some BTS stuff and other things that don’t fit into the format of the main feed.

Okay, here are your diversions. Up first, The Greatest Trek. It’s kind of a big deal, because they don’t usually have guests!

And then, Trek Culture!

I’m noticing now, after I have done all these interviews (and another that hasn’t been announced), that the light from my window was WAY TOO BRIGHT and at least half of my face looks like a vampire. Like, if Two-Face had a vampire version, that would be awesome, and he would TOTALLY team up with Blade, but I’d rather look like a human who knows how to set up a shot and confirm the lighting is good. I mean, it’s just terrible. It isn’t even goth pale; it’s just a bad lighting setup. The old green tint from forgetting to white balance your camcorder in 1983 would be preferable to how I look in all of these things.

See, this is why I don’t like to be on camera! But I’m not yelling at myself! Progress!

I guess I have to go ahead and take Felicia’s advice and spend a little money on some equipment, lights, filters, and some other bullshit to have a more professional set up at home. Sigh. My first world, high class problems are a great way to nurture sympathy in an audience while *gestures broadly at everything*.

Y’all keep telling me that it’s okay for me to endlessly, relentlessly, continuously promote my podcast. I appreciate that. I really, really do. I also feel like all of you who subscribe to my blog or follow me on social networks already know everything you want to know, and it’s becoming tiresome.

I have no idea what is actually happening on the other side of my screen, of course, and I’m mindful that my life story has created someone who is deeply uncertain about everything he does, even when he’s pretty sure it’s all okay. I’m trying to quiet the doubt, and lean into the excitement (my keyboard needs to be cleaned, and the x just stuck, so that was ‘exxxcitement’ before I corrected it. Look, exxxcitement is definitely its own thing, and it sounds great to me, but that’s not what this project is.)

As I keep saying, I want to help this find its audience and I can’t accomplish that entirely on my own. Thank you for your patience and understanding, and a special thank you to all of you who have done the rate, review, like and subscribe things.

Okay, I’m going to the store now. Thanks for listening and have a good rest of the day. Congratulations on surviving another week of this fucking nightmare.

Here’s the obligatory link block:

Here’s the subscribe to my blog thingy:

And here’s a picture of Marlowe, because she makes everything better.

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It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton episode two – Proof by Induction, by José Pablo Iriarte

Posted on By Wil

When I walked Marlowe this morning, I thought about what I was going to write here, and how I was going to say the stuff that I want to say about my podcast. I had to remind myself that this has existed in my mind and in various stages of not-quite-done for almost two years, and that my strategy is to allow it slow and organic growth, so it can find its audience. It’s only been one week, but early response and early reviews are enthusiastic and positive, and all signs are pointing in the right direction for me to keep doing this.

It’s so wonderful, and I’m so excited, I have this strong impulse to jump to the end, to the part where I find out if there is an audience out there that’s big enough to make this a self sustaining project that goes on for years. But am doing my best to stay in this moment, enjoy this moment, without letting expectations get in the way. I am trying my best to listen to something I have told my boys since they were little kids:

Never trade the journey for the destination.

Don’t skip past the joy of playing because you only care if you win.

Doing the thing is an incredible feat and achievement on its own. You did the thing, and you deserve to enjoy the thing. If the thing grows and grows and turns into A Thing on its way to being The Thing You Dreamed Of, then enjoy it! But if that doesn’t happen, it was still great that you did the thing, and aren’t you grateful that you enjoyed it at every step along the way?

Like, that’s pretty solid Dadvice, if I say so myself, and I’m doing my best to hear it.

So with that in mind, here’s my introduction to this week’s It’s Storytime with Wil Wheaton. José Pablo Iriarte tells a beautiful story that landed in me in such a specific and heartbreaking way, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to narrate it without being overcome.

I love a good quest. The hero’s journey to find the golden fleece and bring it home has been a cornerstone of storytelling for all of recorded history for a reason. At some point in our lives, each of us will hear the call to adventure and set out on a quest of our own. A lucky few even manage to complete their quests, sometimes against incredible odds.

Some famous quests are for knowledge, power, or even to save the world, but we are about to embark on a quest for something far more intimate, far more personal, and elusive: it is a quest for connection, and redemption. And it can only be found using Proof by Induction.

It was a challenge, but I did it, and I am so happy with everything about it (though I discovered, to my horror, I mispronounced “Euler” and we all missed it. Use this note to help you imagine a little audio kintsugi, if it helps.)

One thing before I go, the Big Thing that I probably should have opened with.

I would love it if this podcast became my full time job. As I’ve said elsewhere, I have loved doing other people’s work. Ready Room was one of the greatest experiences of my life, and we should be doing more episodes for the upcoming season of Strange New Worlds (which looks AMAZING), but I don’t think we are, for the dumbest reasons imaginable. And it breaks my heart. Like, I have physical pain in my chest and very real sadness, I feel a tangible sense of loss, because I only get to be the host of The Ready Room, and all the other wonderful stuff that comes with that, when someone from Corporate gives me permission to do it. And if Corporate is like, “Nah, because of reasons, and also who are you?” there’s nothing any of us can do about it.

I don’t want to feel that loss again, or at least as infrequently as possible (it’s a fair price to pay) so I’m REALLY hoping that the podcast takes off and it’s this joyful act of creativity that continues as long as I want it to. t’s only one week old, just two episodes in, and we are already fielding requests for sponsorship and ad sales. That’s a positive indicator that our growth is along the line we’re all hoping for, and it also opens me up to the inevitable complaints about ads.

I get it. I always hoped I would have this High Class Problem, so from the very beginning, we’ve planned to have a Patreon with no ads and extra material available for subscribers. We’re offering a five dollar tier and a ten dollar tier. Both offer an ad-free feed, and some other cool perks, including recordings of my reflections on the story immediately upon finishing it. I loved it when LeVar would talk about the themes and the style and how he interpreted and felt about what he just read to me. I wanted to do that, myself, but I felt like it didn’t fit into the main feed. But it’s exactly the sort of thing that is perfect for Patreon subscribers. I have some other ideas, too, for fun stuff that I can’t do at scale, but can absolutely do for a smaller subscriber community.

Everything you need to know is right here. If you have any questions, I’ll be checking comments here all day.