Mirror, Mirror

I’m in my garage, digging through a box of stuff, trying to find my Awful Green Things From Outer Space game.
I’m on the cold concrete floor, looking through the open box. I move aside some books and find my game. As I lift it out of the box, it reveals this Cadet Wesley Crusher action figure, just sitting there in the bottom of the box.
I look at him, wondering whether I should just look away and pretend that I didn’t see him, or take him out and say hello.
After an awkward silence, I pick him up and say, “Hey, how you doin’?”
He just stares back at me, silent and stoic from within his plastic cell.
I consider him for a moment and tell him, “you know, you look sort of cool in this uniform. You should have stuck around a bit longer, so you could have worn it more.”
He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday’s water wax. I wonder if his perfect hair still smells like Sebastian Shaper hairspray.
His eyes burn into mine, his blank stare mocking me, and I can’t take it any longer.
I put him back into the box, and as I’m about to put an unopened box of 1990 Topps NHL trading cards on him he says, “Wait!”
I lift up the box of cards, and he’s looking up at me, his smug confidence replaced with sadness.
“Hey, I don’t want to stay in this box any more. You gotta let me out.” His green eyes implore me to release him.
“Sorry, Wesley, but if I take you off of that card, you’re worthless.”
“Well, at least let me come sit on a shelf in your house! This box is cold and dark, and since you took out the Ren and Stimpy plush toys in December, there isn’t even anyone to talk to!”
I think of the years he and I spent together. I think back to our falling out, and I can’t believe that someone I was so close to has become such a stranger, and I know what I must do.
“You’re right, Wesley. You can’t stay in this box any longer. It’s just not right. I’m going to find you a new home. Someplace where you will have lots of other action figures to talk to, and maybe even a collectible plate or two.”
“You mean…you’re going to put me on eBay?”
“Yep.”
“No! You suck, Wheaton!”
“Shut up, Wesley.”

214 thoughts on “Mirror, Mirror”

  1. I need me a Wesley to put on my mantle too…he would be able to hang out with Jay, Silent Bob, the Beatles, the Blue Meanies, Wolverine, red Spidey, black Spidey, the little G.I. Joes singing Y.M.C.A., and even some Grateful Dead bears. Oh, he would have such fun! (but watch out-Paul stole Jay’s tiny bong and tiny bag of plastic, um, tobacco. Silly Beatle.)

  2. Wil,
    I just saw your action figure is going for some egregious amount, like $130 bucks or something. I have some stuff I would like to sell. Maybe you could sign it and write about it in your blog and then we could split the gigantic profit.
    -E

  3. That’s just about the most satisfying read I’ve had all day. God speed, Wesley Crusher…

  4. Hey, I’m as anti pack rat as anyone, but just don’t get rid of all your wes-o-mobilia. Could be fun to look back at it with the grandkids.

  5. Well, the action figure just moved beyond my ceiling of $150… *sniff*
    Hey Wil – I have about 2000 cards from the very first Magic The Gathering sets… wanna trade? I’ve already been offered $500 for them. Hell, if you sold them, they’d be worth like 10 times that much!
    Then you really could afford a nice Magellan Meridian Gold with all of the TopoUSA mapping software and extra memory – PHAT!
    The funny thing about this? There is a thread all about Mr. Wheaton on http://www.geocaching.com‘s Discussion forum.
    Cache On!

  6. Ren and Stimpy plush toys? You have Ren and Stimpy plush toys? My life can never be complete now that I know that such things exist and that I don’t have the slightest idea of how to obtain one. It’s so unfair.

  7. Wil…. it’s a toy Wil…
    and if you are hearing it talk to you..
    back away from the toy…
    thanks for the laugh Wil.. as I sit here
    wondering what I’m going to do about my
    work situation (having given notice 2 times
    and still the boss offers more)
    I needed the laugh..
    I’m sure others, many others, would agree with Data; “Our neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory input patterns, and they are missed..
    “Be sure to dress warm on those other planes of existence” Mr. Crusher
    Mr. Spock might say; “you may find after a time the having a Mr. Crusher toy figure is not nearly as fine a thing as wanting a Mr. Crusher toy figure or the cash one could get for it..
    and;
    be careful Wil, “Brace yourself, the area of penetration will no doubt be sensitive.”
    as Wil dances around the room yelling;
    “show me the money!”
    c-ya

  8. Dang, I wish I had $200 to buy that plastic Wesley! He sounds kind of hot. And he talks. (but probably only to wil)

  9. I forgot to ask, does this blog title bring to anyone else’s mind an image of Peter Brady asking “Mira, mira, on the wall, who’s the dullest one of all?” and pointing to his chest? Or is that just me?

  10. Oh man, my husband is so happy about this. When I recently expressed dismay in the amount of money he spent on World Cup tickets he said “I wish there was something out there that you’d spend money on.” Wil, you’ve made his day.
    By the way…I kept scrapbooks of teen photos, they’re in boxes in my parent’s basement. I’d be happy to give you the ones of you, I sure wouldn’t charge you $5! I think I’ve been in Korea too long…here a photo belongs to the person who’s in it. It’s a nice sentiment, but makes for a boring photo album…all me!

  11. “Shut up, Wesley!”
    How come I didn’t see that one coming? Still makes me laugh every time I hear it.

  12. Wil, you are so funny I can’t even stand it. I wish I had some Star Trek action figures… I wonder if they still sell them in the store? I’ll have to check. Hippiewitch, your post was funny, and I have a little thing to tell you: before I knew who he was, Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) came into the store where I work (good old Laird Stationery, in Fair Haven, NJ) with his wife and ordered the Christening invitations for their daughter Harley Quinn. I took the order, but again, I had no idea who he was. It just so happens that Harley was Christened at the church my husband and I attended, and we happened to be at that Mass. They had her Christened naked- it was so cute. It wasn’t until about 2 years later that I became aware of who Kevin Smith was. He and his wife were very nice, btw. Also, my husband went to high school (Henry Hudson, in lovely downtown Highlands, NJ) with both Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes. Hubby says that Jason is *exactly* like he is in the films, only worse. Just thought you’d enjoy that little tidbit of information! Have a great day, everyone.
    Love, Alicia
    http://www.thewagband.com

  13. What IS a scarier thought: Spudnuts action
    figures or Wil talking to HIS toys?
    In my book they are both equal. shudder….
    By the way where is SPUDNUTS..MIA?

  14. Oh and yes they DID make Ren and Stimpy plush/
    stuffed toys. They even made TALKING ones!
    Really.

  15. Hi!!
    Wow! Now tzhats was funny, Wil!! Hey…with this you find your funny!!!:)) aren’t you happy?:)
    yours: Agi

  16. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
    *Thud (I fell off my round ball and landed on my leg) Let me explain… que the long excuse!
    I work in England, in an office where my boss has suddenly become an obsessive Health Guru and has replaced all our office chairs with big round balls in order to improve our posture. See we are not half as weird as they make us out to be =P
    I go to your site everyday and even though I was late (as I was working hard for a change), just wanted to say thanks, it was very funny, totally destroyed my hard work theme though..
    Ha! Ha! Ha! tehee! he! shit my legs hurt

  17. You know, I remember when I was a wee lad going to K-mart and looking for a Data, Borg, or even Worf action figure and finding a sea of Crushers (mother and child), Thomas Rikers (you know, William Thomas Riker’s “brother” from a pretty lame fourth-season episode, I think), and Benjamin Siskos. I’m sure K-mart would still be thriving if they’d realized their Wesley Army were worth a hundred bucks each. ;-)
    And I own a Stimpy doll which makes a farting sound when you squeeze its stomach. Granted the sound comes from his tongue, but its fun all the same.

  18. Wil,
    I know that this question reaches back many years, but how does/did it feel to have an action figure made of your character?
    I know that the post was made in the usual jocular tone, but it DOES seem to suggest a reconciliation with the past. Comedy is a form of therapy, conscious or not. It was very amusing. Wil and his multiple personalities.
    (do all of your past characters talk to you or just those that have been immortalized in plastic?)

  19. Having read the seller feedback on your eBay account, I’ve come to the conclusion that *that* is your secret plan in selling things there. :-)
    “Wesley’s a tool, but Wil is real cool”
    Henh. How can you beat that?
    Cheers,
    — jra

  20. AGTFOS is a kick-ass game – I’ve owned it since it was first released by TSR (which, by the way, was a hell of a lot higher quality than the one SJG is selling).
    Oh, and no offense meant to Wil, but you guys that are bidding upwards of $200 for that little chunk of plastic seriously need to take another look at your priorities.

  21. Too funny. Recently I was going through my brother’s and mine stuff when we were teens and I just couldn’t get rid of our STNG action figures, especially the handsome Ensign WC one. They aren’t in their original packages because my bro and I actually played with them. Yep, we were dorks, and proud of it. But had all the cardboard backs and accessories. I just kept thinking my little son might like these one day…

  22. Damn I wish I had $300, “and she said, for $300 dollars I’d do it”.
    I could put Wil up against my old plastic man figure!
    Who would win?

  23. Damn, Uncle Willy, that’s pretty damned funny. Not just funny, but very well-written too. You’ve got the talent, m’boyo. Thanks for the laughs and the thoughts.

  24. Over $200 for an action figure???? You have to be kidding. Wil, should have waited for this auction to end and get yourself a loaded Garmin 76S.
    Is it too late to get into the Beanie Baby craze??

  25. Better not use a sharpie pen to sign that box.
    Since it is now a copy protection circumvention device, you might be sued under the DMCA ;) for promoting it.
    On another note: “Don’t sell the action figure now. It may be worth something someday.”

  26. WEird to see an old version of yourself. I say keep it. Stick it back in the trunk and pull it out in a couple years time and see what you think then. Memories might not always be good but they’re all special in a way. Hang on to it!

  27. Gaea said:
    >> I am afraid to ask, what exactly would a Spudnuts action-figure do?
    Someday, some genius is going to do for action figures what Cafepress does for t-shirts and mugs.
    Fuck superhero and sci-fi action figures. Everyone wants an action figure of THEMSELVES. I don’t want Wesley Crusher. I want Wil Wheaton Microbrew PS2 PHP Red Bull Tech Bitch action figure. And Kottke with Karate Action Claw. And Bionic Bob Cringley with poseable mutton shank and Logitech Mouseman Optical.
    Fucking toy manufacturers don’t have ANYTHING Spudnuts wants.
    Jesus.

  28. Well i won’t ask WHY but I WILL ask WHAT a
    “mutton shank” is?
    Or do we want to know?
    (from a fish-a-tarian point of view it sounds
    like something having to do with lamb..ugh.)

  29. But Wil some people are already bobble head dolls
    in real life. Living breathing bobble head dolls.
    They just don’t know it.

  30. Oh, SPLENDID idea. I can see it now…
    “I just paid $450 for a real autographed Wil Wheaton bobble-head doll!!”
    “Hey Wheaton, you’re a really p**sy aren’t you?”
    Crazed fan taps Wil Wheaton bobble head doll on the head.
    “That’s what I thought! You think the apex of your career was the Curse, DON’T YOU??”
    Crazed fan taps doll on the head.
    Ad Infinitum.

  31. Dude:
    You are a very funny individual some times – most times!
    I’d snag it if I could afford it ;) Although I do have a SPOCK (from TNG) as well as Data’s twin (I’m blanking on his name, I so suck!) as well! And all in the packaging just like yours’.
    Wonder if I could sell ‘em and then I’ll have the $$$ to buy ol’ Wesley! What a country!
    Be good.
    -sam

  32. Wil has a copy of Awful Green Things From Outer Space! How cool is that?
    Seriously thoough, if little models of yourself start talking back…..its an Government plot to control your mind. Before you know it you’ll be wondering around thinking that Dubya is a really swell guy….

  33. Sigh.
    I liked Wesley. I never organized a “We Love Wesley” campaign. I just tuned in each week.
    My Wesley Crusher figure never talked to me, though. Ever see “Trilogy of Terror”? Scary.
    pkb

  34. Aw Wil, Why are you selling all your stuff? If you’re hard up for cash I can lend ya 10 bucks, but only til payday.

  35. That was so funny Wil. I wish ou could get yourself a book published with little diddy’s like this. You seriosly give some funny story’s but also give us things to think about.
    Buy that man a pint.
    Spike
    01.29am GMT
    23rd May 2002

  36. Wil –
    I just found my William F-ing Shatner doll circa 1970-something… I think it was from when the cartoon was popular cuz he’s got a pastel blue phaser. I’m gonna send this to you so you can take pictures of you torturing it. Then we’ll send them to Shatner for a kind or ransom and threatening to…
    Oh, forget it. It’ll never be as funny as someone paying over $200 for a plastic Spudnuts…

  37. It is 8:37pm pacific time and that little action figure that my son has 2 of is now going for $280.00. Damn I wish he would have left at least one in the cardboard package.
    I keep telling him one day they will be worth something!

Comments are closed.