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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

BREAKING: JOHN SCALZI EMBROILED IN SCANDAL!

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BREAKING NEWS!!

Today on Twitter, noted Science Fiction Author and Cat-Bacon-Taper John Scalzi declared:

 

AAAAH EVERY YOUTUBE VIDEO HAS A POLITICAL AD IN FRONT OF IT THAT’S IT NO MORE YOUTUBE UNTIL NOVEMBER 7

— John Scalzi (@scalzi) September 23, 2012

 

A group of concerned cats immediately replied with this political action message:

Then, in a desperate attempt to deflect attention from his cat bacon taping, Scalzi accused beloved science fiction, television, film, stage, theater, internet, radio, and teenage-fever-dream star Wil Wheaton of being behind the whole thing. Wheaton, who everyone loves for reasons, denied the scandalous allegation. Scalzi then produced an obviously fake “receipt”:

@wilw Nothing to do with it? Then perhaps you can EXPLAIN THIS RECEIPT, Wil #OhSnapYall twitter.com/scalzi/status/…

— John Scalzi (@scalzi) September 24, 2012

But Mister Scalzi can not produce the LONG FORM RECEIPT! He continues to dodge the tough questions, and instead of responding to a simple and reasonable request, he produced this:

And now, as the real questions begin to swirl around Mister Scalzi, his allies in the Bacon Taping Media have produced this vicious attack ad:

Some say that John Scalzi is wrong on bacon, wrong on tape, and wrong on cats.

Some people say that John Scalzi is WRONG FOR THE INTERNET.

 

DIS MESSUG WAZ PAY FER BY DA KATZ.

we like tuna

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23 September, 2012 Wil

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30 thoughts on “BREAKING: JOHN SCALZI EMBROILED IN SCANDAL!”

  1. BeauRyan says:
    23 September, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Ermahgerd berkin nerrs!

  2. knobody says:
    23 September, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    oh dear gods! someone is wrong on the internet! somebody do something!

    1. ericostby says:
      23 September, 2012 at 7:51 pm

      Quick, to xkcd! They’ll know what to do with this!

  3. Jon Rubin says:
    23 September, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    To be fair, that jumper has never been adequately explained. There is no adequate explanation.
    Insomniac Brits against crappy jumpers.

  4. Johnny Vector says:
    23 September, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Bzzt. Failure to use BLINK tag. Message ignored.

  5. sboger says:
    23 September, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    This is like rapper call-outs for white guys…

  6. ranirobot says:
    23 September, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Oh Wil. We love you guys. 🙂

  7. Linda Edgar says:
    23 September, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    Please stop tearing our nation apart!
    America has a place for Bacon Cat Tapers and Bad Sweater Wearers.
    All I am saying is give peace a chance!

  8. Gregory Lynn says:
    23 September, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    I love living in the 21st century.

  9. Robert Stoll says:
    23 September, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    As someone with dubious fashion sense, I defend Wheton’s right to his crappy sweaters. It is taping Bacon to cats that is unnatural! Really, put Christmas sweaters to that. Christmas sweaters are for GOD, taping bacon to cats is just torture! Whoever this Wheaton is, I am voting for him next poll!

    1. Steven Lord says:
      24 September, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      In the interest of bipartisanship and leaning across the aisle, I propose that the Honorable Mister Wheaton allow the Honorable Mister Scalzi to tape bacon to Mister Wheaton’s sweater, photograph said bacon, and post the resulting photograph. All in favor of this resolution?

  10. Doz Altair says:
    24 September, 2012 at 2:50 am

    I laughed, I cried, I peed…

  11. Michael Kelleher says:
    24 September, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Is this what awesome and famous people who aren’t uber-millionaires do with their free time? …I’m jealous.

  12. Ian Alcorn says:
    24 September, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Since evolution didn’t see fit to give cats opposable thumbs, how else are they going to carry their bacon if not by having their humans tape it to them? #CatsBeingPractical

  13. nerdgirl985 says:
    24 September, 2012 at 7:59 am

    This is the only good thing (in the history of all things) to come out of an election cycle!

  14. dndgirl says:
    24 September, 2012 at 9:20 am

    “beloved science fiction, television, film, stage, theater, internet, radio, and teenage-fever-dream star Wil Wheaton”

    You left out “noted author.”

  15. beccasays says:
    24 September, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Sure, you tried a crappy sweater once, but you certainly didn’t inhale. And, really, it doesn’t count if you didn’t inhale.

    1. Katherine Lorraine says:
      25 September, 2012 at 8:14 am

      You can’t inhale a sweater.

  16. MetzDarling says:
    24 September, 2012 at 10:20 am

    As I sit here in my hospital bed this is EXACTLY the medicine I needed thank you guys!

  17. sammiesmykat says:
    24 September, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I love the post, but dude the flashing light is killer on my home page from the rss feed.

  18. TheVisualGeek says:
    24 September, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    I’m working a twelve hour work day and come home on my break to find this.

    Thank you Mr. Wheaton!

  19. wabbit89 says:
    24 September, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    And this? This is why the interwebz was invented. 😉

  20. Bryan Price says:
    24 September, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    There are commercials in front of YouTube videos? Who knew?

  21. Timothy Kreuter says:
    24 September, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    That’s it. I’m voting the Chewbacca/Solo ticket this November. At least THEY will focus on the rebuilding of the ideals we hold so dear…

    … that every man woman and child are entitled to Pasta Arrabiata in the cafeteria of the Death Star WITHOUT fear of needing a tray.

    1. Ten13Grl says:
      25 September, 2012 at 12:47 am

      “This one is wet! This one is wet! This one is wet! This one is wet! This one is wet!”

    2. Lyndsey Graham says:
      25 September, 2012 at 2:33 am

      I’m with ya! Coz those wet trays? *shudders* Won’t someone think of the children?!?

  22. JunkyardAcademy says:
    24 September, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    I heard that Wil Wheaton cut John Scalzi off, giving him only one minute to retort and, in a an unbridled nerd-rage, (laced with four letter words like ‘poop’ and ‘dang’), busted Wil’s game table in half before storming off to be admitted to a bacon/tape abuse treatment center…

  23. Jacqueline Roberts says:
    25 September, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Insider reports allege that at the Annual Bacon on Toastmaster Fundraiser at Chicon 7 noted dignitaries were heard to say that “47% of Americans don’t even own adhesive porcine derivatives”, deeming them irrelevant regardless of the number of cats owned or sweaters disowned. Truth. We need you NOW.

  24. Pingback: Political Cloud « Fictional Boundaries
  25. Andrew Padgett says:
    26 September, 2012 at 5:11 am

    Bacon taping is irresponsible and wasteful, especially in these dark days of bacon shortages – we must all learn to curb our bacon-attaching urges and conserve our precious resources
    (http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-202_162-57519703/global-bacon-shortage-unavoidable-group-says/)

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