I went to my doctor yesterday, and told him how crummy I’ve been feeling. We talked about a lot of different things, and ultimately decided that it was probably a good idea to change up my brain pills. This morning, I started something new, and I really feel a lot better. I honestly don’t care if it’s a placebo effect at this point, but the end result is the same: I don’t feel despondent, depressed, and shitty about myself.
“You are very hard on yourself,” he told me yesterday.
“I know,” I said, “I just have really high expectations that I want to meet, and with all these incredibly successful friends …” I trailed off because I felt like I was starting to feel sorry for myself.
“Being judgmental about what you make or don’t make doesn’t help you at all,” he said, “you have to do your best every day, even if your best isn’t what you want it to be.”
I knew he was right, and I knew that it was my depression getting in between me knowing that was right, and accepting that it was right. That’s one of the incredibly frustrating things about depression: I can know that the way I feel is just my brain chemicals being messed up, but whether I accept it or not, the end result is the same: I feel awful. It’s a little unfair that it doesn’t work in both directions, but after living with it for my whole life, I can tell you that depression doesn’t care about being fair; it’s really a dick that way.
My doctor said that I was very clear-eyed about my mental illness (psychologists call people like me “the identified patient”), and because I could be rational even when I was feeling irrational, he wanted me to try some cognitive therapy. “When you feel bad, when you are thinking and feeling that you’re worthless or anything like that, I want you to recognize it, and then make an effort to replace those bad feelings with good ones.
“When you are feeling bad about a job you didn’t get, think about a job that you did get, that you feel good about. When you feel bad about not finishing a story, recognize that feeling, and remember how you felt when you published something you’re proud of.”
“That sounds like something I can do,” I said, “and it sounds like it may help me break out of the cycle of depression telling me a suck, then making me feel terrible because I believe that I suck, which makes me depressed, which lets depression tell me that I suck.” I imagined a particularly ugly ouroboros wrapping itself around me.
I don’t think this means that I don’t allow myself to feel disappointment, or frustration, or any of the other emotions that I think we all need to feel to be a fully-functional human. I think this means that I don’t let my mental illness take something like feeling unsure about where a story goes next and turning it into the Very Certain And Unshakable Belief That I Am A Worthless And Stupid And Idiotic Loser Who Everyone Knows Really Sucks. Not, um, that I’ve felt like that a whole lot lately, or anything like that. Um. Right.
So.
Let’s get started, shall we? This weekend, Anne and I went to the mall to pick up some fancy pants I had tailored. While we were there, we noticed that the big old men’s clothing sale was happening, yadda yadda yadda I got three awesome suits for less than the cost of one, if they weren’t on sale.
Guys: it turns out that your beautiful wife telling you, “WOW, you look great in that suit,” is a powerful motivator for buying that suit. And two others. Because reasons.
After we were finished getting them tailored, Anne had to get on the phone to handle a bunch of #VandalEyes business, so I went into the bookstore until she was done. On my way to the Science Fiction section, I stopped to take this picture of their Tabletop game section:
While I was taking this picture, a young man cautiously approached me. “Mister … Mister Wheaton?” He said.
“That’s me!” I said.
“I love your show Tabletop! You are the reason my friends and I play games, and I’m actually here today to find something for one of them.”
I put my phone into my pocket. “That is really awesome,” I said. “The main reason I make Tabletop is to inspire other people to play games.”
He swallowed, nodded, and said, “um, would you, uh … would you help me pick out a game for my friend?”
My heart grew three sizes. “I would love to do that!”
I asked him a bunch of questions about the games they like to play together, his friend’s level of experience, and how much he wanted to spend. Ultimately, he settled on Ticket To Ride. He shook my hand, thanked me several times, and walked away, happily.
“I’m so sorry to bother you,” a voice said behind me. I turned and saw a young woman with a nametag that indicated she worked in the store.
“Yes?” I said.
“This is my section,” she said, pointing to the games, “and it’s here because of your show, Tabletop.”
My heart grew another three sizes.
“We order all the games you play on your show, and we usually sell out of whatever you’ve just played right away.”
“That’s really cool!” I said.
We talked about the games that she had in the section, and I recommended a few new ones for her, including Hive, Love Letter, and Coup.
“I’ll see if I can convince my manager to let me order those,” she said. “Anyway, I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I just wanted to thank you for your show, and for everything you do.”
“It’s my pleasure,” I said, “and it really means a lot to me that you took the time to tell me that.” I started to walk back to the Sci-Fi Books, and stopped. I turned back. “If your distributor doesn’t know what’s coming up on Tabletop — and they should, but if they don’t — please e-mail me and I’ll give you the release schedule, so you can know what to order.”
“That would be great,” she said.
“Awesome.” We shook hands, and I walked back to the Sci-Fi books. Before I could really figure out if I was going to get anything, my phone chirped in my pocket. It was Anne. She was off the phone, and didn’t want to go on a quest to find me in the store. “I’ll be right out,” I replied.
I walked past that Tabletop game section, which was absolutely huge — even bigger than the entire Sci-Fi and Fantasy book section, combined, and a little voice in my head said, “it’s okay to feel a little proud about this.” I listened to it.
…
I’m still frustrated and disappointed when I see a character on a TV show or in a film that I clearly could have played, but didn’t even get to audition for (a casting director recently told my agent that they would not even see me for a role, because “Wil Wheaton can’t play someone in his late 30s,” even though I’m 41, with two children in their 20s, and just letting me spend thirty fucking seconds in their goddamn office to see how I look now and how I interpret the role may change their mind). I’m still frustrated and disappointed that I haven’t produced any original work of fiction of any consequence in a year, and that I haven’t finished Memories of the Future Volume 2.
BUT — and it’s a big but* — instead of focusing on those things, and feeling like I’m being crushed into a singularity by a black hole of depression, I can look at the show I created and brought to life with some very talented people, that is having a very real and lasting impact on a lot of people, in a very positive way.
When I look at the writing I haven’t finished, I can look at the calendar and see all the times I was working on a video game or an audiobook or an animated show, and was on the road to promote Tabletop, and honestly accept that there just wasn’t that much time to write the things I wanted to write, because I was busy working on other things.
I can stop being so hard on myself, and I can stop judging myself, and I can stop holding myself up to standards that are so high, even the people I’m comparing myself to every day would have a hard time reaching them.
Or, at least, I can try, and I can do my best, because that’s all I can do.
*hurr hurr hurr
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I’m glad you’ve found some relief. And some perspective. Framing is everything.
Thank you for posting this. It is good to know that I’m not the only one that has self doubt like this at times.
One foot in front of the other, breathe in breathe out, repeat. Most people just do it. For some people it is a conscious decision everyday. I am glad you make the effort to keep moving forward. Be proud of what you’ve done and what you’re doing and what you will do. I know I’m proud of you.
Wil, you are an awesome person and an inspiration to many! I am amazed at how God, or the Universe, Allah or Buddha. (however we understand that) sends someone when we are low to show us how love sees us.
You are awesome. Thank you so much for this.
Lovely. And thanks for this post! Made my day by providing a little encouragement at the moment.
Oh gosh Wil.
The hours of enjoyment and entertainment you have given me! But I know what it’s like to have a brain that gets in the way. I’ve just had my ‘brain pills’ upped too, but for me instead of Tabletop its scrapbooking. If I didn’t have my little scrapbooking business I don’t know what I would do, because my day job sure as hell sucks. Even though there heaps of people that think I’m brilliant, most days I’m so filled with self doubt its crippling. Keep walking down this long road (thats what I’m doinging – one step/day at a time), and by the time you get to the end you may not remember what sent you down it in the first place. xx
Love your TT show! It’s like a weekly preview to a whole new world…
It is so cool of you to share like that. Gives me hope for my own problems, inspiration and camaraderie. Thank you for sharing!
You’re a good man, Mr. Wheaton.
Thank you for this. I’ve bookmarked it for days when I need reminding.
Thank you from a 45 year old that has battled with depression his entire life.
Be proud of the courage it took to share this.
A sincere thank you
Don’t compare yourself to lottery winners. If you are a lottery winner, don’t compare yourself to people who won bigger lotteries.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have something in my eye.
Mr. Wheaton, I so appreciate your posts about your struggles with depression. I have it too, and like yourself (reading between the lines) I still haven’t hit on the right combination of meds to pull me out of it. After 10+ years of experimentation, I am very close to taking the plunge and trying the treatment of last resort, electroconvulsive therapy. While having my brain zapped isn’t an especially appealing prospect, it is more appealing to me than sacrificing any more of my life to this bastard of an illness. I also have writing aspirations, and it would be so nice to have the confidence and the concentration level necessary to do something about it. Thank you so much for your candor about your issues; it helps to know that someone I admire has some of the same issues that I do, and is able to thrive in spite of them. And you are thriving, no matter what lies your depression tells you on occasion. And thank you for all your hard work on Tabletop, as well as the characters you bring to life. You are awesome and inspiring.
Just start writing. I “wanted to” for years but jumping in made all the difference. You can do it!
It took me the longest time to realize it was OK to let other people bring me joy. I love it when I make other people happy. That means they probably love it when they make ME happy! So it’s OK to be proud and happy about the good things in the world. It doesn’t mean we’re shallow or ignoring the bad things, just that we recognize both exist and are legitimate. I’m really glad you can see the positive impact you’ve had on people, and sharing about it is bound to do even more good! Thanks for speaking so honestly.
Yes! Fucking TRUTH! Bookmark the shit out if this entry. Read it a lot. Remember, when Future!Wil is having a low day that Past!Wil had this damned beautiful revolation and he wrote it down in fucking black and white. Also, you tell Future!Wil that he has more to be proud of than he may ever know and he is loved by a lot of folks he may never meet. Yeah.
Thanks, I loved your performance at Woot Stock and I hope to see you again! Great article.
Our game shelf looks like this now because of you! So I’m very glad you had this great experience. You’re changing our lives!
That is AWESOME!!!!!!! I know you’re not “religious” but in religious speak you are a blessing to people even in your darkest moments. I would LOVE to touch people in the way that you do. (wait that almost sounds bad)
The world spins so fast that we often skip over the things that make us happy. I remember a few weeks ago realizing that I had a Saturday where I had nothing important to do. I stayed in bed and caught up on Table Top on my tablet. Your show is my anti depression tool.
I really, really enjoyed reading this. You expertly described the state of “the identified patient” and the frustrations that are inherent in such awareness. It’s incredibly easy for many of us to be buried under what we see as our own failings or failure, and the fear of being labeled as such by others– of being “found out.” I needed this piece today very much. I’m bookmarking for whenever my own self-defeating demons pop up. Thank you again for writing this, Mr. Wheaton.
Awesome piece Wil. Always remember that there are a TON of people who, while they may not know you personally, certainly appreciate you and what you do. And I’m not just talking about your family. 😛 The list of things that you do that people enjoy, learn from and look forward to is staggering! You are certainly no less successful than anyone you might know. I dare you to prove it. 🙂
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for putting yourself out there and showing people that it’s ok to get help and admit their insecurities! I am going to use this in my mental health group to show that even very successful people can feel this way but you can do something to change it! Thank you for doing this I think it really helps that people know they are not alone!
I like big buts 🙂
Thanks, Mr Wheaton. Just…thanks.
Dude. Wil. I grew up playing video games here in southern Indiana. I never really got in to tabletop games because the only tabletop games I was aware of were classic games like Monopoly and such. It also didn’t hurt that video games were always so shiny and appealing to my child brain. Then I started watching The Guild and being able to relate to a lot of the content. Because of the joy I found in The Guild, when Felicia announced G&S I instantly knew it was something I’d watch. When I heard that you, (that guy that played Fawkes, in my mind) would have a show on G&S, I didn’t really think much of it, but I decided to watch it. And holy shit. You’ve changed my life in a wonderful way. My friends and I had been getting together once a week to play Magic: The Gathering but we didn’t get into other games. I saw you playing Small World and it looked SO incredibly awesome that I ordered it online the following week. It came in the mail and I was so excited to play it, I called my friends and asked if they’d be interested in trying something new on Magic night. They agreed and everyone loved it. We’ve been buying and playing new board games almost once a month. I’ve spent more money than I can feel good thinking about on great games, so curse you Wil Wheaton! But THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH for doing this. You’ve opened my mind and helped me grow as a person out of the childish “Video games will always be better!” point of view, and now my friends and I all play more tabletop games than video games. We’ve even started playing DnD after seeing your Dragon Age episode.
You might not think about it affecting everyone that it really does. But knowing that you, Wil Wheaton, have influenced people living in a completely random location in the US (I mean who’s ever really been to Indiana?) makes me think about how many other random small towns that are full of people that now sit down and play board games. And it’s all because of you.
tl;dr: I am super thankful that someone like you is there to make people all over the world find a new kind of joy in their lives. A new way to have fun with friends and family.
Wil, I’m a mom and a sister and a daughter, and sometimes I just want to give you a big, long gigantic hug. I know it’s hard sometimes to love yourself, but I want tell you this:you are worthy. You are lovable. You do your best, and no one can ask for more than that. You have given me a lot to enjoy and think about over the years, and I appreciate that in a person. Love to you, Wil–Paula
My boyfriend owns a comics and gaming store, since Table Top started there has been a tremendous increase in board game interest there. There are two weekly board game nights on his schedule now, as well as an after hours table top club. He realized, thanks to Table Top, that people are more likely to buy a game they know how to play, especially when there’s a place to go where other people want to play too. So now he demos them constantly. He’s happier because he’s playing games and sharing them with customers during the work day, and the store is doing amazing too. All thanks to you! I wish I could send you a picture of the game room completely full of people having a great time playing board games, most of which they learned about from you. You should feel proud, you’ve brought joy to a lot of people.
You’re the king of the internet…try to remember that on bad days. I have those same issues, and the high standards thing is what I’m working on in therapy at the moment. I’m using the book “Reinventing Your Life” which I’d link to if I wasn’t on my phone. It has a chapter on that issue. You bring a lot of people joy. Parts will come, eventually. You’re too awesome for it not to happen for you. Hugs. 🙂
Thank you for sharing these things with us. You will probably never know how much good it does. May I suggest that you actually go to a cognitive behavioral therapist for a few sessions, specifically to learn the methods they can teach? My late husband was one of those, and what he taught me just in living every day has come to my rescue countless times – but I couldn’t have practiced any of it from just one doctor telling me about it, one time. In any case, I hope you continue to focus on the good parts of your life, and yourself. I battle depression much of the time, and I know it doesn’t matter how many people tell you you’re wonderful if you don’t have the tools to fight it from within.
Thanks for all you do for the world. You deserve every happiness.
As a mental health counselor and also a big fan of your work, thanks for posting this. It’s important for people to hear that depression can be a manageable (albeit sucky) thing to deal with, and that it’s okay to talk about having a victory or two. It’s too easy to get bogged down by a string of defeats. Focus on the little victories and you’re headed in the right direction. Thanks again.
I’ve never really commented, but I just want to say that nearly every single post you write makes me laugh, cry, and feel really happy all at the same time. So thanks.
Depression sucks. It whispers constantly feeding you lies like potato chips you’re eager to swallow. I’ve been battling depression since my hormones kicked in over 30 years ago. I’m very touched that you could reach out to others, sharing your stories. Because they are so much like our stories, so easy to identify with, even though everyone’s journey is unique. It wonderful that you talked to your doctor. Over the span of my battle, I’ve taken many different medications, taken myself off for periods because I knew I SHOULDN’T feel this way. Recently, I made a switch from SSRIs to SNRIs and it’s made a huge difference for me. Not the magic formula, of course, but heading in the right direction, which is a BIG STEP. It’s a lot to accept that my brain just doesn’t function the way it should and that I need some chemical help. If I had a broken leg, I’d get flowers. But my brain is broken, so I lock myself in a closet of shame, for fear that “if people knew, the real me” they’d treat me differently. Being aware of the circumstances of my beautiful life, but still being unable to lift from depressive episodes leaves me flaccid and more depressed.
Such wonderful and lovely experiences you had at the bookstore. Here’s to more moments of clarity in your future and the ability to recognize them for the truth that they hold: you make a difference. You cannot be replaced.
Thanks for sharing this with us wil! You have different talents to share with the world esp. telling stories. There’s different mediums to tell stories, and though we all wish things would be different sometimes, know that you inspire folks from afar. There are tons of people you’ve never met who enjoy your blog or heard speak that you’ve impacted. This is the first time I’m commenting on ur blog though I’ve read it for some time now. I was compelled to just let you know that what you’re doing is great. I hope to see you in New Orleans to say this in person.
You’re so right. Depression is a dick. As you already know, The Bloggess says it best, “Depression lies.” My other half has done cognitive therapy and has found it very helpful. It gives him perspective.
And always remember, you’re awesome. Just sayin’.
Mr. Wheaton,
You often pull me out of a funk. Thank you for sharing such intensely personal moments of your life. There are times when I look at you and wonder how on earth you, with all you’ve accomplished, can be depressed. Then I get real and remember the indiscriminate nature of depression. Whatever you’ve done in your life, suddenly it becomes not enough to fill that awful black space depression creates. Many celebrities talk about their struggle with depression, but you mention without shame what others tend to hide. It’s important for people to know that taking medicine is not a failure on their part to control depression. It is in fact, a very logical way to treat a chemical imbalance in your brain. I also appreciate your candor concerning finding the right combo and dosage. Many people aren’t aware of the need for constant adjustment. Even people who are on depression medication are unaware that effectiveness can change. The more I read your blogs on the subject, the more I appreciate that you have decided to share this aspect of your life with us. Thank you for being real and human and, frankly, noble.
I’m glad your doctor recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I went to a CBT group and found it very helpful. Especially the thought records we filled out and the readings we had. I’m surprised that you, if I’ve got this right, were on medication without therapy as I firmly believe they should go hand in hand. The pills can definitely lift the cloud but why the cloud is there should definitely be examined. It’s not just chemical. I’m glad Tabletop is a growing thing and you are reviving the genre! Good job you!
*nods* I’ve a very similar experience with my local gaming club, which I started just over a year and a half ago. There have been times when I’ve been seriously sunken in depression doldrums, and just managing to arse myself out of the house and attend can be a wonderful thing for my mental state. The group started off as inviting two friends to a local, twenty-four hour coffee shop for an evening of tabletop, and I enjoyed it so much I spent the next few months organizing a facebook group and sending invites. The group is now solidly self-sustaining, and can meet independent of me and my game collection (though sometimes that attends even without me). I’ve met many varied and interesting people through it, and met even more varied and interesting new games. It’s a wonderful thing to see near thirty people in a shop all having a fantastic time and be able to think, “I did that,” and kick the flash of hubris-guilt firmly in the teeth.
I think it’s just as important to not necessarily use the successes of others as a means of discrediting our own accomplishments either. My gaming club hasn’t nearly the reach of Tabletop, but that doesn’t make it worth any less to those whom it does touch, and there is no reason to think it should make me feel any less proud of the accomplishment. Our skill sets are both unique and malleable, it is more important to do what we can than to feel bad for being unable to do it all.
Lol, true to form, I have been sitting here for like 45 minutes trying to come up with something “good enough” to post to show my appreciation for this. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability, and humor. I always appreciate a good “but” joke.
Good job all around.
Hey Wil,
just imagine the reach you have with your work:
I am from Germany and because of Tabletop and especially because of YOU, six friends and myself started a weekly game night today…we all love the show and when I asked them if they would be interested in doing a game night they all said “yes” without any hesitation.
We made a list of all the games we already have and everyone added another game they would love to play to the list. All of those added to the list were featured by you 🙂
Some of them may not be available in german but that won’t stop us from playing them!
So in my opinion you have all the right to be proud! Not only for TT but for _everything_ you have achieved so far…
You are a great guy! – Thank you for beeing who you are! 🙂
You do amazing things everyday and inspire COUNTLESS people to be better than they would be otherwise, myself included. I hope someday to tell you that in person, but until then, I hope this comments helps your heart grow a size or two more. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.
So in addition to DFTBA, we can and should have DFHAYHBASA — Don’t Forget How Awesome You Have Been And Still Are.
Wil, you likely don;t remember (and that’s okay) but at Pax 2012 I waited in your line, bought one of your books (which I love) and said “thank you for everything that you do, it means a lot to a lot of people”.
I stand by those words to this day and, at the risk of being vulnerable, at that time in my life it was really hard to say those words to a Celebrity I Saw On TV And Everything.
My lovely wife (whom I in no way deserve says my own depression monster) says that I am in a Bromance with Wil Wheaton. I have no issues with this.
Keep being awesome.
Thank you for being so open & honest about your experiences with depression. My daughter has bipolar, which is obviously not exactly same thing, but the depression part is kind of the same. It is really hard, as a parent, to deal with her depressive episodes. So, when I read posts where people, who have depression, talk openly about what it is like from their point of view, it helps me understand more about what she is dealing with when she’s depressed.
Also, we love TableTop. I have always loved board games, but had a very difficult time finding people who would play me in them. So, I made sure to get my kids playing young. We have found some great new games thanks to you. Plus, watching episodes with games we had been considering before finding TableTop has helped us make final decisions about whether or not to get those. So, you are kind of helping build our game collection (which I need to put up some new shelves to home because it has grown so much).
Thank you, and good luck in continuing to fight your demons.
Sir,
As a guy who spent far too long in a dark hole looking around at the few friends I dared let past the walls I had built around me and seeing their happiness for years before finally allowing myself to be happy and seek my own happiness, it is reassuring to see that someone whose character in my youth I looked up to, to a degree, have had similar struggles and has some through to the other side. While I may have only recently sought out my own path to happiness my time in depression has left many scars, some physical most mental that my long suffering wife has had to mostly just deal with because of my unwillingness to properly address the problems that still exist. The extremes of bi-polar, suicidal ideations, and dissociative personality disorder were my day to day life from late elementary school to well after I separated from the US Navy. While I have developed some unpleasant physical manifestations of my problems (numbness to certain amounts of physical pain/pleasure) I still have merely dealt with the symptoms and ignored the still existent problems that lie behind those symptoms. You speaking out about the problems you have and the struggles you still endure have truly given me hope that there honestly is a better method than the blatant ignorance I have pursued.
Through the character you played on a TV show in your youth I began my love affair with technology, Sci-Fi, and most things Geek. Now as I read your blog as a 25 year-old you are once again inspiring me to seek out things to improve who I am and to seek out the person I would like to be that my wife honestly sees in me.
Thank you for everything
You rock, Will Wheaton! My husband is a huge board game geek, and we love watching Table Top. We just discovered it and have been scouring stores for a deal on Star Trek Catan after watching it played on Table Top. I know how sucky thoughts mess with my head so I hope all the encouragement here helps you remember how so many people think you are decided unsucky.
I typed a whole a reply that I just deleted because it was just a bunch of worthless fluff. Truth is my wife and I love, have been shaped by all your characters, and are only introducing our children to games WE loved because of Tabletop.
<3 aw Wil! You're so awesome. I wish I knew you personally. I'm sad ill never get to game with you irl (unless you're in the Toronto area Facebook look up Oakville gamers and we will totally play 😉 ) I never had Star Trek family members so I always knew you as Wil Wheaton from tabletop (btw i thought u were 30-32 when i first saw you) and I hope if you get bigger roles you won't forget or stop tabletop! I love that you're a gamer dork like us. You're someone we can all relate to. You're a good person and you will always have support!XOX Wil. Feel better soon
Wil, I am plagued by depression myself and had a particularly bad day today. Thank you so much for sharing what you go through, it helps so much to know that I am not alone my misery and to hear some fresh ideas on how to deal with it. Hang in there.
Mister Wil Wheaton sir, I thank you for this post. You made me feel not-so-cruddy about my own perceived failures. Thank you for giving me permission to not me so hard on myself. (and those casting directors are out of their minds… here’s to finding just the right gig!)