I went to my doctor yesterday, and told him how crummy I’ve been feeling. We talked about a lot of different things, and ultimately decided that it was probably a good idea to change up my brain pills. This morning, I started something new, and I really feel a lot better. I honestly don’t care if it’s a placebo effect at this point, but the end result is the same: I don’t feel despondent, depressed, and shitty about myself.
“You are very hard on yourself,” he told me yesterday.
“I know,” I said, “I just have really high expectations that I want to meet, and with all these incredibly successful friends …” I trailed off because I felt like I was starting to feel sorry for myself.
“Being judgmental about what you make or don’t make doesn’t help you at all,” he said, “you have to do your best every day, even if your best isn’t what you want it to be.”
I knew he was right, and I knew that it was my depression getting in between me knowing that was right, and accepting that it was right. That’s one of the incredibly frustrating things about depression: I can know that the way I feel is just my brain chemicals being messed up, but whether I accept it or not, the end result is the same: I feel awful. It’s a little unfair that it doesn’t work in both directions, but after living with it for my whole life, I can tell you that depression doesn’t care about being fair; it’s really a dick that way.
My doctor said that I was very clear-eyed about my mental illness (psychologists call people like me “the identified patient”), and because I could be rational even when I was feeling irrational, he wanted me to try some cognitive therapy. “When you feel bad, when you are thinking and feeling that you’re worthless or anything like that, I want you to recognize it, and then make an effort to replace those bad feelings with good ones.
“When you are feeling bad about a job you didn’t get, think about a job that you did get, that you feel good about. When you feel bad about not finishing a story, recognize that feeling, and remember how you felt when you published something you’re proud of.”
“That sounds like something I can do,” I said, “and it sounds like it may help me break out of the cycle of depression telling me a suck, then making me feel terrible because I believe that I suck, which makes me depressed, which lets depression tell me that I suck.” I imagined a particularly ugly ouroboros wrapping itself around me.
I don’t think this means that I don’t allow myself to feel disappointment, or frustration, or any of the other emotions that I think we all need to feel to be a fully-functional human. I think this means that I don’t let my mental illness take something like feeling unsure about where a story goes next and turning it into the Very Certain And Unshakable Belief That I Am A Worthless And Stupid And Idiotic Loser Who Everyone Knows Really Sucks. Not, um, that I’ve felt like that a whole lot lately, or anything like that. Um. Right.
So.
Let’s get started, shall we? This weekend, Anne and I went to the mall to pick up some fancy pants I had tailored. While we were there, we noticed that the big old men’s clothing sale was happening, yadda yadda yadda I got three awesome suits for less than the cost of one, if they weren’t on sale.
Guys: it turns out that your beautiful wife telling you, “WOW, you look great in that suit,” is a powerful motivator for buying that suit. And two others. Because reasons.
After we were finished getting them tailored, Anne had to get on the phone to handle a bunch of #VandalEyes business, so I went into the bookstore until she was done. On my way to the Science Fiction section, I stopped to take this picture of their Tabletop game section:
While I was taking this picture, a young man cautiously approached me. “Mister … Mister Wheaton?” He said.
“That’s me!” I said.
“I love your show Tabletop! You are the reason my friends and I play games, and I’m actually here today to find something for one of them.”
I put my phone into my pocket. “That is really awesome,” I said. “The main reason I make Tabletop is to inspire other people to play games.”
He swallowed, nodded, and said, “um, would you, uh … would you help me pick out a game for my friend?”
My heart grew three sizes. “I would love to do that!”
I asked him a bunch of questions about the games they like to play together, his friend’s level of experience, and how much he wanted to spend. Ultimately, he settled on Ticket To Ride. He shook my hand, thanked me several times, and walked away, happily.
“I’m so sorry to bother you,” a voice said behind me. I turned and saw a young woman with a nametag that indicated she worked in the store.
“Yes?” I said.
“This is my section,” she said, pointing to the games, “and it’s here because of your show, Tabletop.”
My heart grew another three sizes.
“We order all the games you play on your show, and we usually sell out of whatever you’ve just played right away.”
“That’s really cool!” I said.
We talked about the games that she had in the section, and I recommended a few new ones for her, including Hive, Love Letter, and Coup.
“I’ll see if I can convince my manager to let me order those,” she said. “Anyway, I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I just wanted to thank you for your show, and for everything you do.”
“It’s my pleasure,” I said, “and it really means a lot to me that you took the time to tell me that.” I started to walk back to the Sci-Fi Books, and stopped. I turned back. “If your distributor doesn’t know what’s coming up on Tabletop — and they should, but if they don’t — please e-mail me and I’ll give you the release schedule, so you can know what to order.”
“That would be great,” she said.
“Awesome.” We shook hands, and I walked back to the Sci-Fi books. Before I could really figure out if I was going to get anything, my phone chirped in my pocket. It was Anne. She was off the phone, and didn’t want to go on a quest to find me in the store. “I’ll be right out,” I replied.
I walked past that Tabletop game section, which was absolutely huge — even bigger than the entire Sci-Fi and Fantasy book section, combined, and a little voice in my head said, “it’s okay to feel a little proud about this.” I listened to it.
…
I’m still frustrated and disappointed when I see a character on a TV show or in a film that I clearly could have played, but didn’t even get to audition for (a casting director recently told my agent that they would not even see me for a role, because “Wil Wheaton can’t play someone in his late 30s,” even though I’m 41, with two children in their 20s, and just letting me spend thirty fucking seconds in their goddamn office to see how I look now and how I interpret the role may change their mind). I’m still frustrated and disappointed that I haven’t produced any original work of fiction of any consequence in a year, and that I haven’t finished Memories of the Future Volume 2.
BUT — and it’s a big but* — instead of focusing on those things, and feeling like I’m being crushed into a singularity by a black hole of depression, I can look at the show I created and brought to life with some very talented people, that is having a very real and lasting impact on a lot of people, in a very positive way.
When I look at the writing I haven’t finished, I can look at the calendar and see all the times I was working on a video game or an audiobook or an animated show, and was on the road to promote Tabletop, and honestly accept that there just wasn’t that much time to write the things I wanted to write, because I was busy working on other things.
I can stop being so hard on myself, and I can stop judging myself, and I can stop holding myself up to standards that are so high, even the people I’m comparing myself to every day would have a hard time reaching them.
Or, at least, I can try, and I can do my best, because that’s all I can do.
*hurr hurr hurr
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I’ve BPD. Thank you. I got it.
I’m a long-time lurker and first-time commenter.
I get what you’re going through. I do it to myself everyday, as well. My expectations are so crazy-far above what I could possibly even accomplish that I miss out on all the great things I HAVE done each and every day. I totally understand.
What I wanted to tell you is that it’s because of Tabletop that my kids (8, 8, and 6) are rabid “Ticket to Ride” players. In fact, the 6-year-old is wicked-good at it. Next on our list to introduce to them is Catan Junior. Keep up the great work. You’re an awesome force for geek good! 😀
Great post. I had not heard of your Table Top show, but I’ll definitely check it out now. I love on the Big Bang Theory.
Thank you. I understand and get it.
I was in tears as I read this (not the “life sucks, I’m worthless type, but rather the “he SO gets it” variety). It’s so nice to have someone be able to write about this so clearly. You’re so right; depression is a total dick. Please know that you are not worthless/a fraud/whatever, when you help inspire those of us with the disease.
I honestly never thought about trying that advice your doctor gave you. Practically every time I’ve had an episode, I’ve identified that it’s just my neurotransmitters being all fucked up like they often are (depression being a dick – I was diagnosed a LONG time ago as having screwed-up brain chemistry, NOT anything from my childhood, etc.). But I never thought of actively trying to change it; I usually just “rode it out.”
Thank you again, Wil. I would love to meet you, not as a fan of your work, but to talk to you one-on-one about this terrible disease. And thanks for being so damned approachable. You’re an anomaly in this business, just not of the space-time-tachyon-particle variety.
You’re a good man, Will. You are a Renaissance man – and that’s not an easy life to lead. In my experience, creative people tend to be their own fiercest critics. Coupling that with depression makes it much worse. Remember other people recognize your successes and appreciate your important place in this world. And if they don’t – that’s their problem. Hang in there!
We all need to learn to be kinder to ourselves – hard as that is! This may help some people in need http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/downloads/training_materials/3.%20Clinical_patient_handout.pdf
Amen, brother.
I speak as someone who has battled depression for many years now and can honestly say that reading this has helped restore a bit more hope to this battered soul. So thank you and all the best of good luck to you!
Cognitive behavioral therapy has made all the difference in my life.
One of my favorite exercises took over 6 months to have an effect for me, but has had a great effect: when I say things (either in my head or aloud) about tasks to complete, I no longer say “I have to do this.” Instead, I say “I will do this” or “I want to do this.” It has dramatically decreased my anxiety over the past 8 or so years, as well as my depression. (It turns out my depression is pretty closely linked to my anxiety.) At first I thought the exercise sounded pretty dumb, but I am so glad I worked at it anyway 🙂
I don’t have famous friends, but I am still often comparing my successes to the successes of my friends and peers. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps me be more mindful about comparing myself to others, and helps me be more constructive in my approach to become the person I want to be. I hope CBT is as helpful for you as it has been for me.
Go you.
I just wanted you to know that because I came across your TableTop web show online and started watching it, my family and I have seriously built up our game collection. Before we only had a small handful of games and despite being fans of games we just didn’t know of any good ones except the ones from my husband’s and my childhood. Now we have a list we’re slowly working away at. We have probably half the games you have played on Tabletop and a few more we’ve stumbled into at our local gaming store (in fact Love Letters is on our list as is one we have been curious about, Mice and Mystics, have you played it?). The other day my daughter (almost 16) and I went into our local store and we were looking for the original Small World and a couple of the expansion sets (if you haven’t played it with the Legend’s and Lore cards, you really should) because we had originally purchased the Underground and we decided to spend some of Christmas money on the original too, which we made house rules for portals and what races could go where and played both boards. We were talking with the owner and one of the employees and I mentioned how we had seen one of the expansions online but we’d rather buy it through them (they did order it for us) and they thanked us and I said to thank you because you’re the one who had started us down this road. The younger employee was a fan of your show as well so we proceeded to discuss your show. As a result of me stumbling upon your show, I honestly don’t remember how I came across it but now everyone watches it, my family has had hours and hours of game time spent around the table together. (If we ever win the lotto we will definitely invest in a Geek Chic, we drool over those tables on a regular basis since seeing him on Shark Tank) When you have 3 teenagers who WANT to play games, in fact we have plans to do so tonight, then I consider it a win. My husband likes to jokingly call you my BF too because he knows you were my first celebrity crush when I was younger and you two are A LOT alike. He’s a big geek and I love him for it, gamer, highly intelligent, and this post of yours isn’t far off from his head space on a regular basis. Anyway, I’m babbling, of this I’m aware. You’ve made a difference in our world so thank you for that.
Tabletop is the reason my kids got Zombie Dice and Zombie Fluxx as Christmas presents, and why Ticket to Ride is currently an app on my phone. And it’s why I’ll invest in some serious tabletop games once my youngest is a little older (and less likely to flip over the board in a fit of boredom).
That’s inspiring, mate! Great fun to hear this story. I started reading, expecting only to be happy for your sake, but it turns out your story also helped me reframe certain areas of my own every day life. I shall try to keep this story in mind throughout my days for a while and see what happens. Cheers!
Our family is now playing tabletop games very Saturday night directory because of your influence. I found Tabletop as a 40+ mom of four months ago. After watching many episodes, I chose Takenoko, Dixit, and Forbidden Island to start us off in the game playing journey! We’ve had such a blast gathered around the table playing. We’ve introduced my niece and nephew to the fun also over the holidays! Next up is Ticket to Ride, I think 🙂 .
Thanks, Wil!
Above should read * directly because*.
Ugh…auto correct
Will, thank you for sharing. I know exactly how you feel. I’m weaning off my medication and trying to switch to natural medicine. However, when there’s this thing in your brain, it’s hard to switch off those feelings of inadequacy and failure. Especially when you are driven and want to support your family. I have these “panic” attacks daily these days since my commission was cut in half. Then I apply for jobs with young punks and I’m too old to work in their office yada yada.
I’m glad you had that positive experience in the bookstore. You’re in a very tough business but I pray you find just what you’re looking for!
Blessings
Here’s another one for depression loop days: you’re a great audiobook reader. I’ve told John Scalzi that several times. I hope to hear more books from you soon.
I’ve had some luck with the The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression by William Knaus. I carry the Kindle edition around with me like some sort of talisman against evil.
Heh heh. You said big but. Heh.
Wil, thank you for sharing this story. I appreciate your honesty and transparency so much. As a fellow depression sufferer I am inspired by your struggle and hearing your side truly helps me. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share.
The things that you do are great and you are an amazing person. I really mean this and say so because I want you to hear it. My husband and I especially love Tabletop, and it is what first got us into tabletop gaming! It has brought us closer together and has helped us learn to slow down, log off, and really be together. Thank you for everything that you do.
Wil,
I’m not sure why(full moon?) but this week has been a huge pile of suck, not just for you and I, but several of my friends as well. Monday was by far the worst and I couldn’t drag myself out of this funk for anything. Thank goodness for my bf, he listens and said the only thing that helps sometimes, “I love you and I’m not going anywhere, no matter how bad it gets.”
Just hearing the phrase”it gets.” helps, because it reminded me that I have depression, depression is not who I am. This week has been so incredibly craptastic it is not even funny.
I think CBT works because it forces you to stop staring into the abyss. Depression is self-replicating until you cut off its food supply. Sometimes we all need to just remember to turn on the light.
Hang in there, everybody, and we can all get through this.
Wil, thank you for being the genuinely great guy that you are. I look forward to seeing you again in KC at Planet Comicon in March. B-) I will have to figure out how to top last year, getting you pregnant was awesome!!! LOL!
Not much more to say here, except this: You are awesome and your accomplishments are something to be proud of.
Keep up the good work!
For Christmas I ordered Munchkin, Munchkin Zombies and Cards Against Humanity… all because of you and Tabletop. My family played games on Christmas Day and New Years’ Day. We all thought it was the best holiday EVER! We’re now addicted to Munchkin, and I’m hoping to get some of the expansions for the next time we play. I love Tabletop and have turned my niece and her boyfriend on to it as well. (She got Pandemic for Christmas.) Would you consider playing the Munchkin expansions on the show? We’d love to see it. 🙂
Please don’t underestimate your ongoing contribution to gaming culture. Here in Australia we seem to be experiencing a resurgence in social board-gaming, due in no small part to the influence of shows like TableTop. You have a right to be proud!
<3
A million times this. <3
Thank you for your transparency.
The thought – brain chemistry – thought circle is very much a chicken and egg problem, in that brain chemistry can cause depression and depression can cause brain chemistry changes. Of course the converse is also true, that positive thoughts can improve brain chemistry and brain chemistry can result in a better mood/outlook.
BUT… It seems to me depression is harder to dispose of without medication if one is quite self-aware and reasonably intelligent. Psychological help is much more successful for people who actually don’t realize they are not the worst off in the world. People who can be convinced to “look at the bright side” long enough for the chemical adjustment to take place.
For many, though, that advice/counsel appears trite, faddish and offers no solution. Yes, I AM better off than someone on death row or homeless or in the latter stages of a terminal illness. That is not a revelation. And I still feel bad.
I do hope the new “brain pills” help.
Gah! I love everything about this post! You be proud, Mr. Wheaton, because you deserve it. You are a major reason why my husband was given all tabletop games for Christmas and he LOVED it! Thank you!
And I agree, being cognizant of the logic behind what is happening in your mind because of depression but not being able to change the way you feel about it is probably the hardest part of having depression. I know that feel, bro.
Thank you for sharing, from all of us carrying yardsticks in our heads.
Thanks for writing this.
Thanks Wil. Been having a rough patch lately myself. Definitely cheered me up reading this. (Also had a game night last night and I have been playing a lot more games with my kids that I have found through the show and through friends at work that I found out gamed by talking about the show).
Thank you so much for this post. I needed to read this. And here I am still doubting whether this comment is even worthy of being posted. But I wanted to let you know that your having posted something so personal really is helpful. Thanks again (forgive me, I’m Canadian 🙂
Thank you for your brave candor in sharing your vulnerability, Wil. I find it inspiring and hopeful. <3 As an Artist who has struggled with depression since I was a teenager, I appreciate it!
~Mary
I don’t know how much fan comments mean to you when depression has you in its grip. I know how easy it is to dismiss the shiniest, most encouraging of messages — sometimes, the shinier they are, the easier it is to dismiss them with “they SO don’t know what they’re talking about” and feel even worse. That said…
I’d be a fan regardless, because I enjoy your acting and I really enjoy your writing. But your clear, honest descriptions of your battle to be the person you want to be truly resonate with me, as they do with thousands of others. And then there’s my daughter, who’s been a massive fan of yours since we saw you perform with John Scalzi at his Burbank “Redshirts” reading. She never misses a Tabletop, and after watching your “Why it’s awesome to be a nerd” speech with wide eyes and a big smile, she had just one question for me : “I *am* a nerd, aren’t I, Daddy?” Yes, dear, and I couldn’t be prouder.
In short, even at your lowest moments, please know (and accept) that many, many people truly value who you are and what you do. Peace.
You have been very successful and have had a considerable impact on many lives for good. Maybe even more so than if you did land that tv show gig, etc that you find bringing you down.
In my opinion, success is what you make it out to be.
You have influenced an entire generation and maybe even more to follow. Tabletop is a huge example, you have brought families, friends, and loved ones alike together. You have greatly influenced keeping this classic form of entertainment alive. The list goes on…
That is successful to me, again, maybe even more so than if you got that TV gig.
You have made an impact on peoples’ lives.
Always remember that
To add to your list of Good Things – awesome father? fab husband.
Loving dog guardian. And most important- wonderfully polite to your fans in public. That goes a long, long, long way with fans.
I worked at a local game store in the Valley for over a year and when I started it was mostly a magic and tabletop wargamming store. I was labeled the “Board Game Girl” and set out to try and make a place for boargaming and build up a community. TableTop showed the owner that Eurogames were definitely something worth ordering and all the fans looking for games started flocking into the store. Whatever game was featured sold out almost immediately and it was a pleasure to try and keep up with demand. I set up a weekly board game night and the community grew from there. It was a fantastic time and I met a ton of amazing people that I’m still friends with!
On the Flip-Side I have depression and I often relate to your writings on the subject. I find myself in the same traps of feeling unproductive and unaccomplished and how that can spiral downwards. I also consciously know that I’m doing so much better than when I first moved to LA. I constantly have to look at facts and logically prove to myself that I’m doing ok rather than giving into the feeling that everything is useless and there’s no point in trying because I’ll never succeed and yadayadayada…
I moved out here to work in Production and do Art Department work and I haven’t had much success. When I do work, its unpaid and that doesn’t really pay rent :/ So, yes I’m working a desk job now, but I haven’t given up and I’m learning to accept that its just going to take longer for me to get financially stable and be able to go back to production work. At my core I like to make things. Physically. With my hands. My favorite medium being wood, but I’ll work with anything. So, I’m not a writer (and at the moment I’m agonizing over this comment) but it still makes me feel better to know I’m not alone in this fight against that stupid voice in my head.
I would say you’re a lot more successful than I am. You make things that people enjoy. People fly you out to conventions and stop you in bookstores to tell you how you’ve impacted their life.
I look up to you
and STILL you have the same (or similar) feeling that *I* do.
So now, not only do I look up to you because of your work, prowess in gaming, and general awesome-ness but I also look up to you because you’ve accomplished everything in the face of your depression.
By opening up about your struggle with depression, you’ve give me hope that its not the life-crushing eternal sentence it feels like and that I can still follow my passion because their *IS* a point in trying.
THANK YOU!
Thanks for sharing this. Well written and heart-felt.
That SERIOUSLY made me feel all smooshy and emotional… 🙂 What an awesome story!
And I seriously think of YOU every time my friends and I pull out a new game to play 🙂 Which didn’t seem like a creepy thing to say until I read it. Huh…. Funny thing, life…. 🙂
the biggest and worse judges of each of us is ourselves, i enjoy your writings/ blogs greatly it’s nice to know that Hollywood hasn’t destroyed you and you are down to earth enough to let fans followers and fellow humans who also suffer depression or not in… i have suffered from it for years bringing awareness to it from such a fantastic man of such a variety of talents on such a intimate level that we can all relate to is inspiring and commendable on your part!! i do hope we will see more of you on the big bang theory one of my most fav shows and i love seeing you on it!!!! i do hope the new medication begins to work ASAP thank you for sharing xxxx
Thanks Wil. I needed to read this today.
When I’m in the throws of depression I often can’t even remember what the good things feel like. I know I’ve done things like publish books, but I don’t remember the feel good that comes with it. To combat that I recently started a happiness book. Whenever I’m feeling especially good I write down the event and what’s going on in my head and how I feel. So now when I can’t get my head around what happiness or success feels like I go read my ever expanding book.
Because it turns out you can train your brain to dwell on the happy instead of the suck. So with people like you and me whose brain chemistry makes that really difficult I figured having a crutch couldn’t hurts. And you know, it mostly works for me. I read those words and remember the experience of writing them down when I’m high on success or just feeling great about my dogs, or whatever, and sometimes I can break through and feel better. Maybe not normal, but better than I was. And that’s worth something.
Strangely enough, I don’t play games….and yet I still love watching Tabletop. You should definitely be proud of it!
I found that the core of my depression was negative self-talk. It’s sometimes very difficult to be fully aware of what we’re saying to ourselves. Thanks for this!
This gave me all the feels and I’m so glad you’re feeling better, even if its only the placebo effect. Today is a great day and tomorrow will be even better 🙂
Thank you for this. This is the first thing I’ve read of yours on this site. I’m a long time fan, and I had no idea that you dealt with depression. I hope it helps you to know that even just sharing this story has impacted me (and certainly hordes of others) in the same positive way. I’m an actor and a writer dealing with depression. I’m sure you can imagine why you just brought me to tears (in a good way!), Thank you again. Your site just made it to my very small list of Favorites.
Wil,
I feel every bit of your pain and frustration. Life is tough, exhilarating and amazing, but with mental illness it can be brutal. Remembering what we have to offer and being ok with celebrating our victories can be hard sometimes, Thank you for a great reminder, and for having the courage to share your journey. I’ve been having a rough spot the last week or so, and your words have helped me feel a bit better today, and see some light at the end of the tunnel this time around.
Cheers,
Olivier
Wil, I don’t even know what Tabletop is, but your post today did me a world of good. Love your acting, and can’t wait to see you on the screen again! THANKS!!!!!!!
In your short 41 years, look at how much you HAVE accomplished. You have done well! Pat yourself on your back, hug your wife and kids (even if they are in their 20s), and move on. 😀 That gets me through those dark period every time. Love is powerful!
*hugs* Thank you for sharing because so many of my friends also suffer depression and I struggle with knowing if and how I can help them. Your post made me realize that I need to just let them know I care, that they are important, and give them a reason why perhaps so they can use that in their own internal battles. Wishing you are doing as well as your “peers” I get that and I don’t have depression — it’s a normal human feeling I think.