That time I realized it felt good to feel sad.

The Cuttlefish.

I have started and abandoned this post at least a dozen times. Maybe this will be the time that it sticks.

I was a little too warm in my jacket and sweater, but I knew that by the time I walked back to my hotel, I’d be happy to have them both, so I pushed up my sleeves a little bit and soldiered on, up the street toward dinner.

I was missing my family and my pets, more than I’ve missed them in a long, long time. I was feeling lonely, and homesick, and I hoped that getting out of my hotel, taking a little walk, and eating dinner around other people would help. So I asked the concierge for a recommendation, and he sent me to this pub up the road.

About halfway to my destination, I stopped at a street corner and waited for a signal to change. I noticed that there was a plaque just off the sidewalk, commemorating some significant Civil War troop movements in 1864. I don’t recall specifically what it said, but I guess three large armies converged on this spot, marched together up what became the street I was walking on, and … I guess it was continued on the next plaque, which I didn’t find. My first thought was, “Oh, right, this city has been here for a long time, and a lot of history happened here.” In Los Angeles, much of our civic history isn’t even a century old, and what little history we have could be commemorated with plaques that say, “there was something beautiful here, but we tore it down in the 70s to build a strip mall.” My second thought was, “I kind of wish we weren’t still fighting the Civil War, even though as a nation we pretend that we aren’t.”

The light changed and I crossed the street. I walked past a parking lot that was filled with production vehicles, and I was surprised that they were working on a Sunday. I passed lots of people who were walking their dogs, and that made me miss mine even more. I was so lost in thought that I nearly jay walked in front of a cop, but some part of my brain screamed THERE IS A COP THERE STUPID GET BACK ON THE CURB just as I was about to take my second step, so I called on the Infernal ACTING! TALENT! of Calculon to make it look like I hadn’t seen the red light, turned around, and got back on the curb, apparently looking sheepish enough to mollify the cop. Or maybe she didn’t care at all. Either way, I gave myself an invisible gold star.

I got to the pub, and walked inside. It was early and empty, but for two groups of people who were watching sports on TV. One group was watching the MLS championship game, and the other was watching football. They were cheering enthusiastically for their respective games, and their energy filled up the place like it was packed with people.

I ordered a local craft beer and some dinner, and tried to enjoy being in the world with other people, instead of alone in my hotel with people on the Internet.

I couldn’t do it. I just felt too sad. I felt lonely, even though I was in a room with exuberant people, who were having a lot of fun watching their sportsball squads do sports. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, and scrolled through pictures of my pets, pictures of me with my wife, and pictures of home. I’ve only been gone for a little over a week, but it’s the longest I’ve been away in a few years, and I can feel the distance between me and the people I love more viscerally than I have in years.

That’s when Fairy Tale Of New York began to play. Jesus.

I finished my beer, ordered another, and deliberately thought about the good things I’ve experienced while I’ve been in Atlanta:

I have done work on Powers that I’m incredibly proud of, that I think will add something to the show, and may even help me get other acting work in the future. I found layers and desires and secrets and justified motivations in this character that made him come alive in my skin. I’ve worked with three different directors on this show, and every one of them has told me that my work has been incredible. One of the actors on the show told me that he was grateful and relieved that I was playing this character, because I could handle its complexities in a way that was truthful and believable. One of the other actors told me that she was so taken in by my performance, she got completely lost in it, and it motivated reactions from her character that she didn’t know her character could have. When I wrapped on Thursday night, after a nine hour day that was devoted to a single, intense, emotionally exhausting five page scene that’s the climax of everything this character is about, the crew burst into spontaneous applause for me.

On Saturday, I went to the Georgia Aquarium with Olesya Rulin, who is one of my co-stars and a new friend. We got to watch them feed whale sharks, and otters, and penguins, and it was magical. On Saturday night, I got to go to dinner with everyone in the cast who is in town, and then had drinks with a couple of the guys who are staying in the same hotel with me. I’ve made new friends, and that’s not something that comes easily to me.

Oh, and in my Couch to 5K training, I did a personal best run of 4 ten-minute miles without stopping for more than 30 seconds a couple of times.

So there is a lot to be happy about, a lot to feel good about, and a lot of joy to be found in the last eight days … but that doesn’t fill the empty space next to me in my bed, or when I go for a walk, or when I see someone with their dogs.

Then, because I wasn’t feeling sad enough, I read a story at Gawker about how Elmo is the worst (he totally is. Team Grover FOR LIFE). That story reminded me that when Mister Hooper died on Sesame Street, Big Bird had drawn a picture of him, and Big Bird was going to give that picture to Mister Hooper when he came back from the hospital, but Susan told him, “Big Bird, he’s not coming back,” and then Big Bird is sad, and hangs the picture he drew in his nest. And that picture was there for years.

I wiped a few tears off my face, and then I realized something: Yeah, I felt sad, but I just felt sad, like people feel sad. I felt a totally normal and healthy human emotion. I felt sad because I missed my family, I felt lonely, and I wanted to be home. I felt sad because I missed the things that people miss, but I also knew that I only had two more sleeps until I got to be back in my home with the people I love. I felt sad, but I didn’t feel the kind of cant-get-out-of-bed sad that I sometimes feel because of Depression. This was regular, boring, totally normal sadness that everyone feels all the time, and I wasn’t feeling it because I have mental illness, but because I just missed the people I love.

And then I felt really, really happy to feel sad. In fact, borrowing a phrase from my friend Jenny Lawson, I felt #FuriouslyHappy, because I was in charge of my own sadness, instead of being held down in it by my Depression. It was okay to miss the people I love, and it was okay to feel lonely, and it was okay to remember how ten year-old me felt when he experienced the loss of Mister Hooper with Big Bird, the same way he would soon experience the loss of his grandmother with his mom. All of that was healthy and totally fine, and knowing that made me feel happy while I felt sad.

So I finished my food, thanked my server, walked back to my hotel, watched my beloved LA Kings play a heck of a good hockey game, and went to sleep in a bed that felt a little less empty than it has.

Now, about twenty hours later, I’m listening to a Robert Johnson blues station on Pandora, and finishing a blog I’ve tried a dozen times to finish. In a few minutes, I’m going to put on my Runner 5 shirt and go down to the gym to do some training, because Doctor Meyers and Sam and Runner 4 are as much with me here as they are when I’m at home, and that makes me feel a little less lonely, and a little less homesick.

Hey, look at that. I started and abandoned this post a about a dozen times, and this is the one that stuck.

Nailed it.

104 thoughts on “That time I realized it felt good to feel sad.”

  2. I’ve been avoiding my blog for over a year. Okay; I lied, probably two years — mostly because I don’t feel like an author because my books have only broken into teeny tiny publishers and I can’t seem to snag an agent. I feel like a fraud. So many times I came close, and had a good ol’ nose-reddening, eyeball-swelling, headache-inducing slobbering cry. And then I wrote some more.

    It’s somehow comforting that you have the capacity to feel loneliness, when millions of people seek your attention, your inspiration, your incredible capacity to induce belly laughs.

    Hope you’ll be back with your family and pets soon, and keep on keepin’ on.

    Best,

    Chumplet

  3. Glad that The-City-That-Hosts-DragonCon is treating you well!

    Glad you got to have a good experience about missing your family. I understand how that feels. I’m gone a long time a couple of times a year and it really stings. How great you were able to feel that not because of depression.

    And congrats on being able to head back home.

    Sounds like you’ve done some great work. I hope I get to see it!

    Take care,

    Craig

  4. Homesickness sucks, I can relate. Like you said, so many people go through it — part of what makes us human — and sometimes recognizing the emotion is better than trying to “fix” it.

    When I experience this, I always think:
    – Sad is happy for deep people.
    – I’m lucky I have a home and people I love to miss.
    – This is temporary.

  6. Wonderful entry, and so “close to home”. I have depression, yet when my husband passed away when I was only 40, I felt deep sadness, loneliness, emptiness, bewilderment, and yet I knew what I felt was a normal part of the grieving process and that I was NOT depressed. I knew that I would be okay and I just had to be patient, and that made me feel … not happy but … satisfied. That things were the way they were supposed to be. Your post brought that all back, and for that I thank you. x

  7. A huge advantage of being Jewish is that your grandmother and often other relatives teach you how to be depressed almost from birth. (“Poor little baby, out in the air in a house his cheapskate father keeps to cold for you. Don’t you wish you were back in that nice, warm womb?)

    Of course, if you’re not Jewish you can be depressed at being a goy. (I mean, if I was a goy, I’d be depressed about it.)

  9. I was thinking of Mister Hooper and Mister Rogers this morning as I showered and my son watched Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. It’s a great show, but I was wondering about its potential for human touch — where life intercedes into TV in ways that can’t be scripted. Thanks for sharing.

  10. I love everything about this. But what I may love most of all is TEAM GROVER FOR LIFE. It is so true and so sad that kids these days just don’t appreciate how truly wonderful that little blue monster is.

      1. Hang in there, Ruby. You will get there. Keep reading Wil, and if you haven’t started reading Jenny yet, she’s just wrapped up a tour for her latest book, Furiously Happy. Check it out. Both of these authors are my favorites SIMPLY because they are willing to address, with humor, the fact that #DepressionLies. If you need more immediate help, PLEASE reach out to the support systems that are in place in your local community, be it clergy or therapists or a suicide hotline or WHATEVER. You’re worth it.

  12. I really wish that hotels provided “loaner pets” for those of us who aren’t used to going without. It is amazing how much stress just drains away when you’re petting a dog or cat.

    1. I slobbered all over a dog in the elevator yesterday. It wasn’t until we got to the 26th floor (from the lobby) that I even acknowledged her owners, who were as bemused as I would have been in their place.

      1. I borrowed other people’s dogs temporarily after I lost mine to old age and cancer. Just to love on for a while because circumstances weren’t right to adopt another and my heart was too raw. Now I have two puppies and I have tell people in a similar situation that they can come over and love on my dogs any time they want. It helps!

  14. xxx I remember the years when I would sit in coffee shops alone. Feeling alone and not wanting to be. However now ..having someone at home, even if you are a long way from there makes the alone not so alone. I find. I’m so pleased you are ok with the sad you found.

  15. Two things: 1)Fairytale of New York is the best Xmas song ever, and I will fight (not really) anyone who says otherwise. 2) While I don’t suffer from depression, I often feel very irritable and antisocial much of the time, and I wish I was better at expressing some of those negative emotions so they didn’t bottle up and explode at random occasions. Like last night when I wept watching Katy Perry videos and imagining I was the one with fireworks and doing the roaring. Big internet hugs, Wil. Just remember you are loved and appreciated.

  16. Thanks for the post Wil. It is good to be reminded that being sad is normal because when you have been dealing with depression for the more than 40 years I’ve had to . . . it is easy to run away from sadness because it is so close to depression. I find it so hard to admit to myself that I am sad and then to admit to anyone else that I’m sad because I don’t want that “look.” The one that says, “Oh, oh, is it beginning again?” It isn’t. I’m just sad today and that’s a good thing.

  19. While it’s no true substitute for family and pets, books are my go-to outlet when I’m feeling lonely. They are such a great traveling companion, always there for you, never judgmental.

  20. You described this realization beautifully. If is wonderful to be sad in a health state. I was always afraid of sadness because I knew where it would lead, but it is wonderful to experience and not live it. Congrats!!!

    1. Apparently I didn’t edit this before I posted. I meant:
      It is wonderful to be sad in a healthy state.

  21. I’m glad for you Wil, as I’ve followed your struggles for a while now. Btw, I’m a Team Grover guy too.

    I’m recently divorced (due to my own faults and issues) and I’m finding it all, and especially this season, really hard. I miss my family. I miss my dog. My friends are all too busy to visit. It’s just really lonely. There are good things in my life but often the loneliness just overwhelms it all. I guess my sadness is normal, but I’d love just a single day where I’m not sad.

  23. So glad that you felt sad..that sounds strange saying that, but I know depression (being a mental health professional) and I love to hear when clients can tell the difference between every day normal emotion that is situational, and the onset of their depression. And the more they can tell the difference, the less power “depression” has over them.
    Also happy that you enjoyed my city. The aquarium is one of the best places to go to feel inspired and awed and joyous.
    And if you need dogs to love on the next time you are here, I have two (Corona and Sam Adams) that you borrow for a few hours 🙂

  24. Hugs for feeling lonely (which sucks when you’re not near your family and pets for a long time), but high five for being in charge of it. My brain lies to me all the time, so I totally get what you’re going through.

  27. Thank you, Wil, for sharing your journey with us. Depression touches me lightly from time to time, but my wife struggles with it daily and getting to follow you on your journey with it helps me understand her better and more deeply. I am forever grateful for that assist!

  28. wilwheaton dot net … where I learn more about being a human than anywhere else on the interwebz … or in real life.

  29. Nicely said. I feel when we stop feeling sad about things particularly concerning the separation of our loved ones, we’ve lost a bit of our humanity. And by the way, eating alone for me is one of the saddest things, well that and watching a movie alone. I’m so used to sharing conversation while eating and glances and nudgies during movies that without them it’s so not the same.

    Again, nicely said. Good to see you are a real human being. 🙂

    Keep up the good work with your running!

  30. Yes, it’s feel sad! So ok. But, can be terrifying to be sad when you’ve lived with the black dog of depression tugging you for a long time.
    That fear is real, is rational, but. It’s ok to be scared and sad.
    Will, thanks for writing this. It’s good to be reminded.

  33. I’m glad you had a chance to sit with your feelings and not feel attacked by them.
    Thank you so much for sharing so much of your interior life with us. It helps some of us quite a bit sometimes.

  34. Your post just made me tear up (Mr.Hooper!). Because I know this experience. I have bipolar and it has taken me the better part of 15 years to get the proper diagnosis–I’ve had bipolar symptoms since at least as far back as my tweens, but like a lot of people, only was diagnosed and treated for depression (SSRIs made the mania WAY worse but no one noticed)–find the right meds, the right psychiatrist, and the right therapist and therapies that help make me less broken. It’s taken a lot of time in therapy to learn to differentiate between “moods” like depression and mania, and “emotions” like happy or sad. For me, some indicators of emotions are that they don’t come with extreme thoughts (like suicide or cleaning ALL THE THINGS) and that they appear suddenly. And, frankly, if I feel something deeply, even sadness, I feel like it’s a good thing. It means I’m mood stable and on the right combo of psych meds.

    Thanks for writing this. Even though intellectually I know that millions of people have these kinds of mental illness, having others share their experiences makes me feel alone.

    I would hug you, but I know hugs in person from complete strangers feels weird and intrusive to me, so you get an Internet offer of a hug that you can totally say no to without me taking offense. I might still ask for a fist bump though.

    1. Shit, that was supposed to be “having others share their experiences makes me feel LESS alone.” And I proofread this. Twice.

  37. This post really resonated with me, because I know exactly how you were feeling. I travel for a living tour managing a band, and I just got back from a 5-and-a-half-week tour of the UK, Europe, and Ireland. It was an amazing tour and I feel grateful every day that I get to see the world doing what I love, but damn if it wasn’t hard this time around. I missed my partner and our cats like I’ve never missed them before in the 11-plus years I’ve been doing this. Maybe it was because the Paris attacks happened in the middle of the trip and a band I know was right in the middle of it all, maybe it was because this time of year the sun sets over there before 4pm … who knows. But I spent my fair share of time in pubs living that e.e. cummings line about “only in a room full of people can one be truly alone”. It’s totally okay to feel sad in that situation!

  38. Robert Johnson was born in Hazlehurst, Mississippi, Wil. I’ve been through Hazlehurst several times driving to New Orleans. Hazlehurst has a VFW Club house that has a full-sized static display of an F-86 Sabre Jet in front of it. It’s quite a war relic. I sat in the canopy of the old warbird and had a sandwich once upon a time. I did the same thing in the Memphis Belle and was attacked by a swarm of Yellow jackets while I was having lunch inside the gunner’s turret. I fell out of the plane onto the tarmac. I worked at the flight school where we had the B-17F in the 1980’s and was on lunch break.

    Robert Johnson died in Greenwood, Mississippi, btw. I’ve got cousins all over that area. BB King grew up down the road in Indianola near my mom’s hometown of Sunflower, MS.

    Hope you’re doing great !

  40. When ever I’m away from my two pups, I pet just about every dog I pass. It’s the only way to get through it. The people in the elevator should know this. If it were me, I would have invited you for a walk!

  42. Hiya Wil,
    You definitely nailed it. Good post. It spoke to me as well. I remember Mr.Hooper dying and cried too.
    I’m glad you are doing alright.

  43. Hugs Will. I was just recalling that episode of Sesame Street the other day. Glad you’re doing alright. You nailed it. Also, thanks for writing this.

  44. I can’t tell you how many times Sam & co. Have helped me charge through the blues. You did nail it! As a therapist, I see it as a major development when a depressed Oatient realizes that sadness is normal and NOT necessarily endless. Nicely done!

  45. Will, I would like to thank you for this post. I struggle with mental illness as well and so often I think to myself I can’t feel sad or anxious, because that’s giving into my illness. Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to feel sad sometimes and that it is a part of life and that ‘normal’ people aren’t happy all the time. Thank you for pushing through and nailing this post, I appreciate it and it really helped.

  47. Wil, are you secretly hanging out with my therapist? Because a lot of the stuff you say rings so true with things that I’ve been going through and things I’ve learned from him. Sometimes it’s wonderful to feel sad, wonderful to feel angry, and it’s easy to forget that because these are emotions that are so often exiled from our systems. But just because they’re seen as negative emotions doesn’t mean you are a failure of a human for feeling them. In fact it’s just the opposite: it makes you a glorious success. Congratulations, you feel emotions! Congratulations, you are human!

  48. You really have a way of making me feel emotions very strongly. I realize that’s what you’re going for, but it surprises me every time. I can really connect with your voice.

  49. Love your writing in this post. But the real takeaway? Powers is going to seriously kick ass.

  50. YAY!! I am so happy that you got to be simply sad! I really, really understand about what a win it is to be regular-person sad. YAAAY and safe travels homeward!

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