I have a really great life. I don’t struggle to pay my bills, I get to do what I love for my job, I have an amazing wife who is my best friend and my partner in many crimes. I have a wonderful house, I am surrounded by people I love who love me. I’m successful in much of my work, and some days it feels like the best stuff in my professional life is yet to come.
And yet.
The thing about Depression, for me, is that it can take something that was already unlikely, like not getting an audition for the Ready Player One movie, and using that to negate and erase all the other good and awesome things in my life. The thing about my Depression is that it can take something that I love that I’m doing really well, like rebooting my life and taking extremely good care of myself — the best I have in years — and make me feel like I don’t deserve to feel this good. The thing about my Depression is that it can make me feel like whatever it is I want to do, whatever it is that I want to start, whatever it is that I want to finish, just isn’t worth it, because it’s going to suck and nobody will like it, or it’ll be great but nobody will care.
Depression is a dick, and Depression lies, and even though I know all of that with the rational and reasonable part of my brain, the Depression part of my brain has been really loud and persistent and just relentless for a couple of weeks, now. It’s Friday, and when I look back on this week, I can see all the important and good stuff that I’ve done, I can see the small but meaningful steps I’ve taken toward completing things that are important to me … but those things are all in the shadows that are cast by the giant spotlight Depression is shining on the things I didn’t do.
And the thing is, I could probably come up with good reasons that I didn’t do the things that I wanted to do, and they are probably reasonable reasons, too. But I also know that all week long, Depression was right there on my shoulder like the leprechaun that tells Ralph to burn it all down, and quietly telling me that there’s no point, there’s no reason to do it, it’s not worth my time.
And now it’s Friday, and Depression is telling me that I’m a failure because I didn’t finish the things that Depression helped ensure I didn’t start.
That’s the insidious part of Depression, at least for me, and I know that to a person who doesn’t struggle with mental illness like I do it just sounds like a pity party where all the gifts are excuses.
But here I am. On Friday. No closer to finishing the things I wanted to finish than I was on Monday.
And I’m tired. I’m having a hell of a time falling asleep and staying asleep, and when I do sleep, I have vivid dreams that make me feel like I haven’t slept at all.
These places I visit in my dreams, and the experiences I have when I’m there, are so real, I feel like I’m forced to live this other life when I fall asleep that I have no control over, and it’s not awesome.
I’ve had a splitting headache since I got out of bed two hours later than I wanted to, and I’m tired.
i’m so tired.
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I understood this from a spouse’s perspective for the past 6ish years. That is vastly different than understanding it from a first person perspective as I have for the last 6 weeks. I have always been so confident, so strong, so together, and apparently so full of shit. Near as I can tell, I have been hiding from myself for 35-40 years. When all my insecurities, fears, worries, anger, hatred, resentment and everythnig else that I thought I had left behind, came out all at once, I found myself hiding in a closet having a massive anxiety attack brought on by the depressive thoughts that I was not good enough, could not do anything right… etc. In the intervening weeks I have heard my wife tell me things she would never say, have watched my son beat the hell out of me, had everyone I know laugh at me for my weakness, just an endless stream of voices and images designed to destroy me. Due to scheduling/vacation/not enough prescriber’s to cover the councilor’s patients I cannot see a prescriber and get meds until the 4th of April. I am fighting so hard just to maintain a semi-shitty level of equilibrium instead of a totally shitty one. I do not know what the fight will be like with the help of medicine, but without it I do not see how anyone with this insidious fucking disease can cope. I am just starting meditation at my councilor’s prompting and that is a sometimes proposition. I have filled my laptop’s screen with virtual sticky notes with somewhat positive phrases. I have worry stones. (and every time I cannot find one i have an anxiety attack). I use whatever form of distraction I can find. None of it ever seems to be enough. I have to make it through two and a half more weeks until I see an APRN. I can do this…. I can do this… . I can do this….
Three weeks ago this was me. Exactly. And today things are bright and I can feel and I promise you that life is good and will be again for you soon. Your brain is being an asshole and soon it will get it’s shit together and everything will be bright and lovely and that’s when I’ll be down and confused about self-worth and you can remind me that it’s all okay. Because it is. Even if you can’t see it. You are kicking ass at life. You really are. And so am I even though I’m behind on every deadline and full of writer’s block and stuck. “Stuck” doesn’t equal “fail”. “Stuck” equals “human”. It just feels like fail and nothingness (the bad kind of nothingness) when you add a side of depression to it.
I promise it’ll be okay. Keep breathing. Keep sharing. Your life makes beautiful ripples even when you don’t know it.
Going through a similar stint myself. It’s cyclic, and it’s bullshit, and somehow knowing this changes nothing, making you feel even more pathetic.
Currently in a particularly fun cycle of mental distress setting off physical crap, which makes the head stuff worse, making my body weak… Round we go, yaaaay.
For what it’s worth, know young Wesley Crusher was my sexual awakening, and now you’re inspiring me with geekdom, gorgeous dogs and all the feels.
Yay Wil <3
I know how you feel. I often get depressed this time of year. It’s got to be the Daylight Saving Time change or allergies or something. It’s always this time of year. I really like your blog and hope you feel better soon.
Write, create, get on your computer and pour yourself in. When the depression lifts, put on your editor hat and read over these thoughts. You may discover a thread, a theme or an idea towards a book, a video or a game. BUT PW-protect the hell out of that file and only give the PW hint to Anne. I respect you, as do quite a few others, so keep yourself out there in the world you are needed.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 7, so yes, I am not joking here. If there was an easy answer for me, I sure as heck don’t know it. In the end, I’d say that I got through my early years with a “fake it until you make it” attitude. And, eventually, as it does naturally, the depression would remit for a while, and then come back. As it does.
Here in my 50’s, I have found the practice of mindfulness more helpful than my other strategy. I have been to all sorts of useless and unhelpful trainings on the topic as part of my professional life (headshrinker). In the end, I just read anything and everything I could find on the topic and ended up using emptying meditation and cognitive behavioral strategies to manage my thinking. That has helped a LOT, but let me tell you that running since the age of 10 has probably helped me as much. (Hello, my brother Runner 5! I’m racing in the VR too!)
I’d recommend to you the concept of Radical Acceptance: i.e. looking at your current state of mind as simply What is Now, with no judgment–i.e “I should not be depressed. What’s wring with me? Why don’t I stop this?” You are only responsible to live through this moment, and you are not in any way bad or evil or flawed for being in this moment with depression. It Just Is What It Is.
But all moods shift and you know from experience that you will move back into feeling better for a while. So without being angry at yourself for some imagined weakness, you can wait, tolerate what cannot be avoided, and expect the better time, even if you cannot feel good about that approaching relief right now. Try to get as comfortable as you can while you wait it out because you deserve love and to be comfortable when you are in pain.
I highly recommend that you read the first of these pamphlets that are published as a set, due to their brevity: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002L16RX0?keywords=becoming%20your%20own%20therapist&qid=1458339224&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1
No, I make no money off these, but I recommend them to my own patients a lot. Brief and helpful.
Good luck, my friend. You have been part of my imaginary Star Trek world since my 20s and I am so delighted to see you back among us so publicly in my 50s. You do not know the good you do by simply living among us. I eagerly look forward to your upcoming work. And I wept through the last chapter of Ready Player One on Audible. You are far more powerful and influential than you obviously know, even if some dork of a casting person did not include you in the RPO film.
Maybe you could get a review of your medication? Either the dosage or the prescription may be off. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, whatever the cause. Take one day at a time or one minute at a time, if you need to. Whatever gets you though the night!
I’m 40 and I’ve lived with chronic depression for as far back as I can remember. I was officially diagnosed in 2008.
The worst episode was when I had my wisdom teeth out last year on Valentine’s weekend. My then fiancé sat by my side and changed my dressings every hour so I would aspirate on my own blood and spit. The pain pills I was on negated the benefit of 20mg of Celexia I take daily and my elevator dropped out.
Eventually, I leveled off, but I haven’t been the same since. I don’t sleep well anymore. I can’t focus well on the things I love. The struggle is real. Only by the help and love of my friends and husband do I win more battles than I lose.
Wil is right. Depression is a dick and it lies more than a cheap politician. But there is hope. Talking about it and being open and honest about it is some of the best medicine.
Remember Wil, that you are loved. You are loved by your wife and friends and your work is respected and needed. It’s needed because the world is often a rotten place made a little bit brighter because you’re in it. Screw acting, screw fame. You’re Wil Wheaton; a good and honest and loving man who brings love and light to bear in all that you do.
Much love, Wil, my brother of another mother.
It may not mean a lot coming from a stranger, but you are one of my favorite humans. My life is a tiny bit better because of you, because you share your struggles and your art with the world.
I care. I’m proud of you for a multitude of reasons. For being one if my heroes as a Trek-watching kid, to being an author who understands me and helps me explain myself to others when my own words fall short. You’re a good husband, father and pet-owner, and you simply matter. Please hang in there. Maybe it’s time to adjust or alter meds… With the changes you’ve been making for healthier living, maybe your brainchemestry or metabolism have changed? You’re tired for a reason love… Take it as a warning signal, and act on it. We want to read and see and hear you for a long time yet. Great big hug… And one for Anne too.
Thank you for sharing what truly is a hard subject to talk about. You hit on a lot of points for me as well and here it is on Friday and I don’t have the one project I was supposed to have done by today done. I don’t have the energy to get up and take a shower on some days and it takes four alarms 15 minutes apart to wake me fully in the morning.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
…and now I’m scared to go to sleep, because I’m afraid you won’t still be around in the morning when I wake. (It’s almost midnight here in Holland). This had better not be a farewell blog… hug
Sharing your struggles with depression is such a gift, you will never know how many people your have helped. I know from experience that it is hard to believe that you have done so much good, but you have. You are so, so much more than the actor who played Wesley Crusher.
Wil, I haven’t completed a systematic review of your wwdn entries, but my short term memory makes me believe you didn’t post as much about Depression as your Reboot took off (stopped drinking alcohol, started working out and eating healthier)–which you attributed to helping you sleep better. Has something happened to those variables and how your sleep is affected? At least anecdotally, there seems to be a direct correlation for you (and the rest of us, I’m sure) between lack of regenerative sleep and Depression being a Super Dick. Just something to consider.
Or, maybe it’s just a Daylight Saving Time disruption. (Fuck that shit!)
I’ve been beating myself up Fri (and Wed and Thurs) not having accomplished what I planned on Mon to do, too. I thought it was just the Type-A part of my brain being a Dick, but maybe it’s Depression and I’ve been ignoring it (not in a good way). Thanks for the Depression-check. I know I’m overwhelmed, and I think I need to reduce my expectations for what I can feasibly handle right now. I thought if I got more done, I’d feel better, but I’m just focusing on what didn’t get done. Yep, that sounds like Depression. What an asshole.
Hang in there.
You’re an inspiration and even when it doesn’t make it feel better, it’s important to recognize what’s happening.
I don’t know if would help, but I use a podcast called sleep withe to get you mind off things so I can sleep.
You are brave to be able to talk so candidly about depression. I hope it gives you some peace, it is oppressive when all the good things don’t feel as significant as any one bad thing that has happened.
I’m with you on this one Wil, this is exactly how I’ve been feeling for a long time. I’m slowly taking steps, some good steps, but a lot of stuff in my head just doesn’t get done. Part of me wants to finish things, like a boardgame idea, like buying that damn mic I want to use for voice-overs and voice-acting, like writing out that script that’s been inside my head for ten years.
But there are upsides, just last weekend I finally went to a Game Dev Night at the school I followed a Digital Film Making course. They needed a voice actor and for the first time in years I actually recorded something for a game. I’m hoping that next week I’ll be helping some friends with a pitch or a trailer for a first demo of a game they want to go to publishers with. Heck, I asked a friend who knows the founder of a game publishing company if he can help them get into contact with each other.
Thanks to your openness about your depression, I’ve become more open myself and even posted something a little while back in the Team Hooman Facebook Group. I’ve slowly started to look at the things I did do and am even proud about them. They’re not perfect, probably never will be in my own eyes, but the responses I got from people last weekend were unanimously good.
Thanks to you, I opened my eyes and looked a little more at the little things I achieved. You mean a lot to many, please keep that in the back of your head. You’re loved and you’re doing great things. Sometimes you may not see it that way, but you are.
Just tweeted you, but want to say I’ve struggled with the big “D” for decades. I know it comes in waves, but that doesn’t make it easier when you are right in the murkiest of the murk. I think you are so brave to write this and put yourself out there. I shared it with a friend who needs to see it. I am not religious, but angels seem to drop in my life when I need one. You’re an angel, sweetie. Thanks so much.
I’m going to yell at you in all caps now:
YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD, DAMMIT!
I know exactly what you mean Wil. I’ve been same way for a while but last week or so especially bad. My didn’t do is, of all things, designing this card game I have in mind. I think I’ve come up with something a little different. The right amount of quirk and good gameplay, I just have to sit down and mock it up.
But will depression let me? NoOooOoooo.
It’s not gonna be good enough. You don’t have this skill. People are gonna look at you and say condescendingly “really? That’s it?”
Today there’s a meet up of a game design group I’ve joined and all I have is an A4 page of notes and a card layout.
Depression is telling me to just stay home, wait til next month.
I’m trying to tell Depression to go eat a dick.
So I’m getting in the shower now. Then hurriedly get ready and out of here before it can convince me more to slump on couch and watch Daredevil and House of Cards all day instead.
I guess, I just wanna say, you’re not alone, even the act of you writing and me reading is helping. Thankyou.
That first step always seems a mountain, but he view from the top is great (yeah, Anne’s photos help too)
Cheers
Thanks Wil, I’m glad I found your blog. It was like reading my own thoughts! You are wonderful and strong. Depression is a twisted bastard! If one personally has never dealt with it, you don’t get it. Life can be perfectly fine, and that black cloud comes and all you see is negativity and the failures that have happened that are not even a failure at all. And for everyone else who suffers and is annoyed with depression…hang in there and hugs!
You are amazing, you are loved, and you are worthy.
So much relatedness to my own struggle with Depression. It’s really great you are so open about your struggles but it’s especially meaningful, to me, you shared the bit about the pity party thing; in addition to the regular voice loops Depression likes to play, there’s the one that tells me to “get over it” & that no one will care because they’re tired of “hearing me complain.”
I don’t know where I was going with that reply, other than thanking you, so I’ll leave now.
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through with us. I can hear that you’re tired and depression is an ongoing battle for you. I don’t know you, but please know that I care about you all the way from Japan.
I am blessed to have lived the experiences I’ve had, the loving support I have and I write all the things I am grateful for. The gratitude list is long and I watch it grow, but for me, depression doesn’t seem to care. It’s a lingering constant. I reach out to my support network, I eat healthy, sleep well, volunteer and go for walks. Those things may seem so small, but a day that I self-care somehow turn into weeks and years. One habit I began to practice is to write all the things I am choosing that don’t contribute to my quality world. I’ll see if that is helpful.
Hang in there Will. Sending you tons of caring energy.
Oh, autocorrect… it’s Wil not Will…
Depression tells you that in other people, Depression is a recognized (and in many cases treatable) neurochemical problem with a real basis for existing; then Depression turns around and explains that, in you, however, Depression is none of those things – in you, Depression is just a character flaw.
Kinda makes me want to punch Depression in the junk.
Oh hell, THIS! For so many years I thought other people had depression and anxiety but I was just “quirky” and “a fucking loser.” Actually naming my mental illnesses and starting treatment was a HUGE step.
@regis
Honestly that is the first time ive realized how yeah thats pretty much how my depression feels.
Nicely put 🙂
This is a wave. Just ride the wave. It’ll be better again soon. <3
Having heard Ready Player One read by you I can’t imagine you not being a part of a movie. Stupid casting people! Hang in there, we need you and all the good things you get done in spite of that prick Depression.
I cannot believe how close this is to my own feelings right now. I forgot to buy milk and no one unloaded the dishwasher and that just sent me in a tailspin. I somehow feel better reading this. Thanks. (enjoyed your recent performance on BBT also)
Wil, how could you not get an audition?!?! You are in the book, which coincidentally I finished yesterday and then found out about the movie today. While you have a small mention, you obviously play a major role in the oasis as you are one of the main members of the players Union. That’s a super important behind the scenes role. You could at least get a cameo!
Wil, I’m right there with you man. The big “D” has been kicking my ass all week. And yes, making me feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. What I have managed to do seems of little value. It’s a deep pit full of valleys of dismay. We climb it, little by little. Slip and fall back a bit. Eventually reaching the mouth and heaving ourselves out. But always standing on the edge. I admire you greatly for your transparency and tenacity. You’re not alone dude, you’re not alone.
I know how you’re feeling, Wil. I have my own personal Lead Blanket. Sometimes it’s a bit lighter, but it’s never truly gone. And sometimes it drops on me like a ton of bricks, and I find myself stuck in dither loops, and panicking over minor things. I’m learning to roll with it, but it’s still frustrating when it devours my energy and turns it into inertia. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, but it’s still a struggle. I can’t take medication for mine, so I use exercise, light, and cussedness to ride the worst of it. (((hugs)))
Wil, take that Depression and kick its ass! You did all week. You helped me out of my downswing. You hooked me on some new stuff. Like RFB and your site and the great stuff you are into! I am sure I am not the only one. We are with you. Don’t get derailed. You’re on a roll!
Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing, and being real, and human, and amazing, and helping so many people, myself included, to see that we are so much more than our anxiety, our depression. Acknowledging to myself that depression lies, depression is a dick, was because of you, and allowed me to get help. Thank you. I’m so sorry depression is being such a dick.
Thank you for being so open about your depression. Your openness and your writing makes others know that they’re not alone.
Depression is sneaky. Or at least mine is. I could be living life, doing my own thing, minding my own business, and all of a sudden out of nowhere…WHACK! it hits me. Anxiety combined with depression only adds to the festivities.
I refuse to take antidepressants. Not sure why. Maybe I think if I don’t take medicine I’m not really depressed.
Running helps. The caveat is trying to get my ass out the door for a run when I’m feeling like nothing in life matters.
Add Crohn’s disease on top of all that and the party really gets started. I do take medicine for Crohn’s.
And despite all of that, I am in a very lucrative profession. I trudge through each day, pretending to be happy because it’s what I have to do to be successful.
Sometimes I feel like a time bomb waiting to go off. The running which helps the depression / anxiety triggers Crohn’s symptoms if the run is too intense. Taking a break from running for a few weeks helps the Crohn’s symptoms but then the depression comes crashing back.
It’s an endless cycle. That’s my life.
Thanks for reading. I typed way too many words. Just felt like sending this out there. No one really understands unless they experience the same thing.
Hang in there, Wil, and everyone.
Hi Will,
So glad you are here on Earth with the rest of us.
(First time caller) Not sure where the impetus to respond comes from, but as a ‘friend’ who values your contentment, check this out (and mind the cortisol):
A Neuroscientist’s Guide to Getting Organized
http://one.npr.org/i/462111943:462111945
caput lupinum
Please just hang on! It gets better!
Depression is like a Dementor. I find thinking about it like an external thing that way can help sometimes.
Have you ever talked to someone about your sleep? I think that if you can sleep better it’ll help with the depression. (at least you realize what an insidious little liar depression can be)
I had been buried for a couple of years, following cancer, my husband’s death, more cancer, disability, and financial ruin. I am two weeks from my magic five-year mark after my last cancer recurrance, and had been making huge strides (figurative, as I am now in a wheelchair). I was getting in touch with hobbies, becoming more interactive, taking care of things. Then my last CT scan showed something bad. Biopsy in 10 days, and I’m down in that hole again. I want to believe it will all be ok, but I don’t remember how. Yet when I read about your struggles I get some hope. I will have good days again. I don’t know how many (but who does?) or when, but I will have them. Thank you for the lifeline, Wil.
Sending all the hope and good wishes your way.
Cancer is a bastard. I cant wait for the day we figure it out and stop it in its tracks. I wish you the best in your fight against it, and hope that your good days outnumber the bad.
Wil, reading your post is so moving. You are worth so, so much more than you see when you look at yourself through the big “D” eyes, or what you think when the big “D” lies to you….Your worth isn’t based on what you do or don’t do, or what you accomplish or don’t accomplish. Your wife, your children, your friends, your fans (including all the caring people who chose to post here) see you with much clearer eyes; perhaps you might take a breath and just look through all these eyes for a bit, and consider what you see, as you will see such a bigger picture and it might help. You have honesty and integrity and you are completely better than you give yourself credit for. Be kind to yourself, and keep putting one foot in front of the other….
A hug. That’s all. From one who understands. ❤️
Tu non sei la tua Depressione, ma questo lo sai.
Tieni duro, resisti. Sei forte e lo sappio tutti.
Non ti conosco di persona, ma ti stimo molto.
A big big hug, my dear friend.
I relate to the depression (and anxiety) struggle but this comment is not related to the majority of your post. I just want to say that I think it’s b.s. that you didn’t get the role, let alone an audition, for ‘Ready Player One’. You were written into the book, for crying out loud! It’s the perfect opportunity to have you since the film is being made now. Sometimes, we can feel depressed and it’s justified disappointment or anger (that will pass) and other emotions that we are valid in feelings – it’s the tailspin of it that depression latches on to and tries to pull us all the way down. But you were valid to feel what you felt about that. At the same time, as you touched upon, that shouldn’t negate all the positive things that have been happening for you, all the good things you’ve done to help improve your health and well-being, all the wonderful things and people that you are fortunate to have in your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel depressed or upset or whatever you are going through. But it’s a good reminder that this is a blip. A stupid blip (on their part – I mean, as someone who read and loved the book, I fully expected that you’d be in the film – I’m quite disappointed in them if they don’t give you the role – not that you are “entitled” to anything but geesh, it just makes complete geek sense!) and that’s besides the point of your post, but again, depression does lie, but also, that doesn’t mean there isn’t truth in our feelings. They just don’t have to be permanent or overtake everything else that is in our life or the things that make life not suck.
Like seriously, you’re on the wiki for crying out loud: http://readyplayerone.wikia.com/wiki/Wil_Wheaton – note to casting people, get your ***t together! But also, back to the other, please continue to take care of yourself and realize that depression lies – and sometimes casting directors make dumb decisions. (Unless they’re late in getting to you and you end up getting the role anyway – and then I take that back!)
Wil, you Are a good guy, you have made good things in your life that you Can be proud of and now, you should find a new project that will have a result at the end!
Maybe a small wooden Bridge over a small stream made by your own hands where you can walk on… You Need something that you Can be proud of yourself!
Stop waiting that good things will coming to you! Start walking and take the good life by yourself 🙂
I know you’ll believe me & then won’t but your blog has been tremendously helpful to me. I finally sought help with my own Big D & it’s a struggle every day but your thoughtful sharing has made a difference in me being here to write this. Thank you.
I know this state all too well. Depression can eat a big sharkdicknado. You, on the other hand, can and should and deserve to feel better. And you will when this passes. But yeah, even just riding it out can be so fucking draining and exhausting. HUGS
“And now it’s Friday, and Depression is telling me that I’m a failure because I didn’t finish the things that Depression helped ensure I didn’t start”
Depression; it’s like the Republican congress for your soul.
Big, platonic, non-creepy hugs from a long time admirer of your work from “Stand by Me” to “Star Trek” to your books and recent work. I ran into your blog about a year or two (?) before you started writing your books and I loved how you shared that journey with us–the highs and lows of producing something that came straight from the heart and touched on the universal humanity within your unique situation.
You are an amazing person and if you ever doubt that, look at who married you!!!! I mean, yeah, you should value yourself and I know you do, but realize that 98% of your friends are wonderful people and you have jettisoned the toxic.
Spielberg only recognizes ten actors in the whole world to be worthy of his films and frankly, it’s criminal that he’s the one that got the job to direct what would otherwise be an amazing film. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure everyone will love the movie, but that doesn’t mean it will be the movie it could have been or was meant to be.
You keep doing what you do. You are appreciated and loved. And talented.
I suffer from bipolar II disorder and OCD and I’m on what I love to call my crazy meds. But even after taking my crazy meds, when depression hits, it hits like a mother fucker, like a truck with no brakes. I know exactly how you feel my brother. Just stay strong and keep your head up, it will pass.
“And now it’s Friday, and Depression is telling me that I’m a failure because I didn’t finish the things that Depression helped ensure I didn’t start.”
Oh man. I never looked at it like that but yes, THIS. This happens to me all the time. Tricky bastard…