I have a really great life. I don’t struggle to pay my bills, I get to do what I love for my job, I have an amazing wife who is my best friend and my partner in many crimes. I have a wonderful house, I am surrounded by people I love who love me. I’m successful in much of my work, and some days it feels like the best stuff in my professional life is yet to come.
And yet.
The thing about Depression, for me, is that it can take something that was already unlikely, like not getting an audition for the Ready Player One movie, and using that to negate and erase all the other good and awesome things in my life. The thing about my Depression is that it can take something that I love that I’m doing really well, like rebooting my life and taking extremely good care of myself — the best I have in years — and make me feel like I don’t deserve to feel this good. The thing about my Depression is that it can make me feel like whatever it is I want to do, whatever it is that I want to start, whatever it is that I want to finish, just isn’t worth it, because it’s going to suck and nobody will like it, or it’ll be great but nobody will care.
Depression is a dick, and Depression lies, and even though I know all of that with the rational and reasonable part of my brain, the Depression part of my brain has been really loud and persistent and just relentless for a couple of weeks, now. It’s Friday, and when I look back on this week, I can see all the important and good stuff that I’ve done, I can see the small but meaningful steps I’ve taken toward completing things that are important to me … but those things are all in the shadows that are cast by the giant spotlight Depression is shining on the things I didn’t do.
And the thing is, I could probably come up with good reasons that I didn’t do the things that I wanted to do, and they are probably reasonable reasons, too. But I also know that all week long, Depression was right there on my shoulder like the leprechaun that tells Ralph to burn it all down, and quietly telling me that there’s no point, there’s no reason to do it, it’s not worth my time.
And now it’s Friday, and Depression is telling me that I’m a failure because I didn’t finish the things that Depression helped ensure I didn’t start.
That’s the insidious part of Depression, at least for me, and I know that to a person who doesn’t struggle with mental illness like I do it just sounds like a pity party where all the gifts are excuses.
But here I am. On Friday. No closer to finishing the things I wanted to finish than I was on Monday.
And I’m tired. I’m having a hell of a time falling asleep and staying asleep, and when I do sleep, I have vivid dreams that make me feel like I haven’t slept at all.
These places I visit in my dreams, and the experiences I have when I’m there, are so real, I feel like I’m forced to live this other life when I fall asleep that I have no control over, and it’s not awesome.
I’ve had a splitting headache since I got out of bed two hours later than I wanted to, and I’m tired.
i’m so tired.
Email sent.
My therapist once explained to me that once Mr D begins to worm his way into your brain with his lies, that if you accept the lie, then he tells you another, and another and… Until you’re paralyzed by your thoughts. He taught me that, at any point during that spiral, to reject the lie by thinking something positive and truthful about myself. Even if it’s a small thing. And to keep reacting to those bad thoughts with something positive about yourself until the spiral stops.
This has been a tremendous help to me in my life.
We are an affront to depression because we choose to confront the lies with our unvarnished truths. We choose to live.
And we must choose to see the world the way we must. There is 2 sides to everything, and we can believe in the best or the worst. We must choose to see the best, no matter how small. And no matter if we’ve believed the worst only seconds before.
Wow ! Fleur, That makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for the share. I really really appreciate it. I will look at depression differently now.
I’m so glad! 😀
My god, it’s full of stars…
As always, this is for you (and anyone else I know who wants it).
https://twitter.com/mikeselinker/status/683355615616303104
I already replied once but I’m going to do so again because you’ve been on my mind. I’ve been hospitalized three times since last August for being suicidal. I don’t say this to get sympathy but to show that I understand how cruel depression can be. The doctors want to put me back in the hospital again but I won’t go because to be honest 1) it really doesn’t help to be locked up like that and 2) the people that work there simply don’t get it either. They treat you as if you are a child or a malingerer.
When I see someone like you who has such gifts (creativity, wife, family, a measure of fame) dealing with their depression on a daily basis and being so honest and upfront about it, it gives me hope and inspiration. It says to me, I can do this, too. Yes, my life sucks – financially, physically, mentally. But I have a loving husband. I have a roof over my head, food in the refrigerator, a laptop, and books to read. I have a little white fluff-ball who makes me smile. If I make myself sit down to it, I can easily come up with three blessings to write down each day.
I read every post you make to your blog. Every one. I rarely comment. I think this is the third one ever. (Well, fourth, if since this is the second on this post.) But I want you to know important you are. You are so very important. You are awesome. I don’t have a way with words to tell you how much. But you are important to me. Ugh, that sounds so stalkerish and that’s not what I mean. You are an inspiration and I wish I had the way with words that others do. You make a difference. When I want to f’ing die because life isn’t worth living I sometimes I think, Wil feels the same and he has a great life. Maybe it’s the just depression talking and I should just hang on.
You make a f’ing difference.
Love this ❤
I recently finished “How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life” [ https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20821053-how-adam-smith-can-change-your-life ]. The author touched on how Adam Smith felt about fame, which is it’s best to avoid it. Adam Smith felt that once a person had known fame and then lost it, they would never truly recover from the desire of having it again. I think there may be a lot of truth to that, especially for former child stars because fame was there often at the beginning of their lives.
I don’t know anything about depression but having recently turned 40 yrs old, I know that the best way to make big changes is often radically change one’s situation. After college I ended up working for just above minimum wage doing tech support. My co-workers were lovely but the job, as you can imagine, was soul-crushing hell (have you tried turning it off and back on again?). I had difficulty sleeping because I would dream about receiving tech support calls so I felt like I never left work and I was tired all the time.The tl:dr; I became a minimalist, got rid of all my stuff and that allowed me to take what little I had left, put it in my car, and start my life over in a new province with a new job. I had to do it or else my life would’ve stagnated. I’m not a minimalist anymore but making radical choices made necessary change happen.
I shared that because when you’re so sad it seems triggered by acting and Hollywood and that whole ecosystem of weird. Sure acting is an art form but at the end of the day, actors compete to help sell stuff for advertisers. Television is really just an extension of the advertising industry, one that had be vetted through middle American focus groups. I think what content creators are creating on the Internet is much more interesting and it’s always amusing to watch corporate America try to keep up.
I listened to your recent podcast and you mentioned moving away from acting. I think however, that as long as you wedge that acting door open, you’ll hang around waiting to see if you’ll be allowed through. I don’t know if there’s really anything worthwhile to be found there. Maybe Adam Smith was wrong, and that fame doesn’t have to be Marley’s chain.
Thank you for sharing your struggles, i imagine that must be hard itself. Iknow you know and read the Bloggess, not sure if you know about Dooce. Her articles around spring and fall equinoxes have really helped me at this time of year. Maybe they will help you too.
I have been struggling lately as well,mostly with being nice myself.
http://dooce.com/2014/03/11/time-we-lobby-congress/ <—one of the articles that helps me.
Please know that you are loved, and that you are not alone.
Are you taking meds for depression? there is some really good pharmaceuticals out there nowadays with less side effects than ever before. obviously you dont have to answer this, but it is definitely something to consider. Remember, and this is for everyone, Depression is not something you can just “get over”. It is an imbalance of hormones in the brain. the brain uptakes the serotonin before it has done its job of making you feel good about yourself for doing something well. which makes you feel REALLY crap.
You’ve picked a bad week to fight a Leprechaun!!! I often feel depressed myself, and I know I suffer from inflammation. So, when I read a few weeks ago that they were making a link between inflammation and depression to a point of calling depression, the symptom of inflammation… a lot of pieces fell into place in my case. Wishful thinking? Maybe; too scared to find out clinically to be honest.
I’m telling you this so you may have another route to look up with your doctor. Never hurts to ask, and who knows, maybe it is your case….
Hope this helps.
Here’s one example :
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/2015/03/how-strong-is-the-link-between-inflammation-and-depression/
I know how you feel, I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and since then depression has been a constant companion who just won’t go away.
Hugs and comfort buddy. Feel better. You are a good person and you do good work.
You’re right Wil, I don’t understand what you are going through, and I can’t imagine. Remember, you aren’t alone. But like you I have my own demon, its called ANXIETY! Like you, I can go along and then out of no where, it hits me. So bad that mine take me to the hospital. They have to give me a drug to stop my heart and re-set it from beating out of control. Its a battle we silently fight on our own. I read somewhere that people like us are the bravest people on earth. That we can live and work and communicate with the people around us, meanwhile a battle rages on inside of us, fighting to appear like everybody else, and no one is the wiser. You’re a great guy Wil, I’ve enjoyed what you’ve accomplished in your life. It sucks that the road we have to travel is a rocky one, dodging the boulders that come at us. But somehow we make it through. Hang in there buddy, you have a loving wife, and a community that believe in you. I’m sure there are great things coming your way, remember, you’re Wil Wheaton! 🙂
Insomnia is a cruel mistress who loves to feed our depression. You WILL feel better when you get your sleep back on track, until then your self awareness is your sword and shield to defend yourself against that insidious bastard, depression. Hold on, read these posts from the many people who you have touched with your honesty, and remember “nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
I feel your pain, I’ve not slept 8 hours in a night in basically 15 years. Some days I would sink into a deep dark hole and wish it would swallow me up. I’ve been trying to “live in the now” more and more, but it is a daily struggle. Some days I get to revel in the joy of spending time with my son. Others are just very hard.
Will be a lifelong battle, but keep up your good work, you are achieving so much at the moment.
SideNote: I’ve been waiting for a movie for ready player one since I read the book. But I think it may have a high risk of being disappointing as that book could be difficult to being to the screen well (without looking like it is entirely CG)
Thirty years. It’s been thirty years since my first depression symptoms, and I’m not even 40 yet. A lot of people compare depression to diabetes, and I think it’s an apt comparison. Because no matter how well you’re medicated or how well you follow your fitness plan, you always have to make sure the disease doesn’t flare up. It’s always in the back of your mind because there is no cure. You learn to live with the fact that some days are going to suck, and it isn’t because of anything you did. Chemicals in your body are actively trying to destroy it, period. So you go about your life the best you can. That’s all any of us can do.
I could tell you how awesome you are (cause you are) but that doesn’t help. Chronic illness and the associated depression that lives with it has taught me that the only way you get through is to constantly remind yourself that there WILL be good days. And even if there are fewer good days than bad days, the good days are gonna kick ass, you will do awesome stuff and they will balance out the shitty ones. And you just keep doing that every damn day. And in between the good days you look at folks like Wil, and Jenny, and the others who struggle and you tell each other that the good days will come. Also, the unconditional adoration of dogs is the best medicine ever invented ever.
Meh, acting or directing in a film like Ready Player One is great and all – but the real star is the 43 year old author, Ernest Cline, who dreamed up the plot for the novel and then sold it to Steven Spielberg.
I think you mentioned working on a novel, Wil, which is where (in my opinion) the real creative rewards lie.
Wil, I know that depression isn’t logical, but I hope it lets you hear this and take it in:
Every time you post about your experiences with depression, you help bring me out of my depressed place and back to a more realistic perpective. I feel more inspired to keep going, to keep trying, and to find ways to keep doing the things I want to do. So even if your week wasn’t productive in the way that you’d originally hoped, you’ve definitely helped me (and lots of others) by making the effort to write this week.
Thank you, and I hope that gives you a bit of realistic ammo to use next time the depression gremlin tries to convince you that you haven’t done anything. Even just making it to the end of a difficult day unlocks the potential of all future days where you might help or inspire someone.
Thank you.
It’s funny because it sounds like my Depression, too. In fact, I think my Depression is cheating on me with you, Wil!
Always keep fighting- you are worth it. I have met you in person twice at 2 different events and you were warm and kind, and it made my whole day. I know I’m not the only one. Anyone who exists in the world as a kind soul deserves to be happy. That is more than enough, no matter what you do or don’t accomplish. You are enough. Just you, by yourself, exactly as you are.
Get the fawk up, Wil.
You gotta whip Deebo ass.
Just wanted you to know that I am rooting for you. You can do the thing.
Wil,as someone else who loves with depression, I can say that the only thing that helps me is knowing somewhere in my mind that the darkness will get pierced by the light.It may not seem like it all the time but it will pass.
Go in peace
Wil, I write to you out of my own depression. I know it well. It doesn’t matter whether life is “good” or kicking you in the butt; depression can make anything feel like crap. What helps me (when it works) is a toolbox full of resources. Sometimes I can help myself in the moment, by walking, focusing on nature (I don’t live in LA), moving my body. Other times, it helps to assess the catastrophic thinking, take it apart and re-cast the all-or-nothing conclusions we draw from inaccurate, automatic negative thinking. All I can tell you is that you are not alone, many of us get it. I won’t say “it gets better” or “you’re worthy” or any of that, because sometimes that feels true and sometimes it doesn’t. You can’t cure depression with positive thinking, flattery or any easy advice. Sometimes it does get better, and sometimes it feels like a black hole. All I can say is that sharing what you are experiencing is part of healing, and I thank you for your honesty, and I hold you in my heart in your (our) pain.
Sir, I can completely relate to where you are in things. The only difference between us is a decimal point. I too love what I do, though. It provides for my family and I am proud of my work. Depression has really been trying to keep me from Living. I decided the other day, to not let that AssHat keeps its grip on me. I’m putting some of my few funds into my bicycle and getting it repaired. Of all the drugs and all the alcohol I ever consumed, nothing compares to the exhaustive pleasure of a long ride. Even if I can’t get everything done that Depression keeps pointing out, at least I’ve kept myself alive against It and I can smile at that. I refuse to be It’s victim.
Just, please, keep fighting and I will too. We’ll get through this eventually. Just never let It win.
(It’s funny Depression is whispering in my ear “You’re a nobody, why are you posting? Who cares what you think or feel? You can’t even right a reply to a blog post without taking an hour of agonizing over it. Once you hit send, it’ll be out for the world to see and they’ll really know what an idiot you are.”) F**K YOU DEPRESSION I WILL HIT POST COMMENT!!!!
Dear me, you sound so much like my life! Through all the depression, at my very worse, feeling like the entire world hates me forever at the very same time, I know it is chemicals in my body not playing fair. I build steel wheelchairs inside my soul to get me where I’d rather be than on the sofa or a chair sitting, staring, thinking, feeling bad and doing nothing. I’m old. I think I’ve had depression since I was born and as a kid, the doctor’s visits trying to find out what was “wrong” with me, and finding nothing. I use to be bitter about what I’ve lost through depression. That’s not worth my time. I go on whether I feel the going or not. Tired is good. Tired is a signal to treat myself with care and comfort. And, entertainers, actors like yourself are a HUGE source of comfort. Thankyou. All I can do is share how I feel, like you share here. We aren’t alone sounds corny. Corn is good and being corny feels right.
Your letting your mind(thought) run away with you
Quiet, choice-less, awareness
Fuck you depression.
My favorite book of the last few years was Ready Player One. I’ve read it multiple times, but your audio book reading, Wil, added so much to my enjoyment of the story. I’m sad you’re not part of the movie, but to me you’ll always be a big part of that story.
Take care of yourself Wil. Depression lies so much.
As a counselor and someone who has also struggled with mental health issues, I want to thank you for your courage and honesty in discussing your struggles with depression and anxiety. One thing my experience in counseling hundreds of people with mood disorders has taught me is that there large numbers of people all around us who suffer from the agonizing pain of depression in silence, never seeking help. Being able to learn about other people’s struggles with these issues can be a critical source of hope and motivation for them to obtain the help they need. It is thanks to the openness of people in the public eye like yourself that thousands upon thousands of people have learned that they don’t have to suffer in the shadows and that help is out there. So, Wil, thank you so very much for adding your voice to this very important conversation! PS – I love your work, btw. You just keep getting better and better…f@#k’n awesome!
I’ll second that. Your candour soothes, and I feel less like a selfish, lazy jackass.
Hey Wil,
As a fellow actor, and also someone who struggles with anxiety, I have to say… I think it’s fucking bullshit you didn’t get an audition for Ready Player One. Not only are you freaking fantastic in the audiobook, but you’re also a lovely actor. Admittedly, whilst listening to the audiobook, I did picture me playing Art3mis and you playing Parzival, age be damned. So there’s that.
Here’s hoping better opportunities are headed your way (and mine too, if I’m going to put it out there). Take care.
Jmae
I just want to thank you with all my heart
Hang in there. You rock, and Depression is such a fucking liar.
Well. I walk along the street. And feel alone among my friends. They laugh and talk and I reply. And I feel lonely. I also feel the cold breathe of depression against my neck.
Lets say I’m ignoring it…
Then, let’s say it puts its arm on my shoulder. Bitch- sounds in my head….
It knows me. It knows the mechanisms that make me think, that make me feel…
And then.
I smile.
Cause I know this bitch. Tossing things in my head. What a slum.
I know it’s mechanisms too. And that’s why I keep smiling. I won’t let it be my mistake.
Hey Wil, as I know how unnerving advice from outsiders is, I should be wiser than to write this – but here it is, because I care (please feel free to ignore it): … Wow, I started this out by sharing advice. Yet, now I understand I want to share a story and that’s all. I’ve never had a depression and can’t imagine the tiniest bit how it feels. What I know are self-doubt and self-critic. Hence, I feel a lot of sympathy, to say the least. I’ve just recently read a book. And, quite unexpectedly, regarding regarding its topic, it helped me a great deal with this kind of self-initiated stress. It opened up a new perspective to me: Although a critical mind has advantages, it can become a baggage full of stones when directed at yourself. So, I’m learning again to let go, live in the moment, simply notice things. Things children know and adults forget when the world steps into the way. It works for me and I can see a lot of merit in it. Maybe that’s what everybody has to search for, something that works for oneself.
Apart from all this, thank you for everything you do. Both, for what you create and for sharing your experiences.
Yours truly.
P.S. The book was The Inner Game of Tennis. I just didn’t want to make it sound like an advertisement.
I saw this quote today and thought of you…
“Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You’re important. You’re loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not.”
I don’t think you’ll ever see this comment on your blog… But, I read your latest post on your blog….I read your blog every once in a while…and then a few hours later I looked at my Twitter feed and saw this quote that Valerie Bertaneli (sp?) posted…and I thought if you. I really, really hope you see this quote. Some day…at some point, I think it might help….you rock Wil…you really do…hang on…
Take a deep breath. You are awesome. I value you. Enjoy how awesome you are.
I think you do a very fine job with all the various balls you have juggling in the air. You have that special something, run with it.
Punch depression right in the dick!
Hi Wil. I empathize with your depression. My close friend suffers from bipolar. I applaud your acting and voice skills. I love your Wesley Crusher role! I love the positivism you brought to the role and applaud your excellent acting. I love your narration of Redshirts which has the distinction of being the first pure sci-fi novel I enjoyed listening. You have followed that with Armada. Thanks to your outstanding narration, I am able to enjoy great stories like these. Thank you!
Thank you for writing – and sharing – this, Wil. Your piece echoes my own experience of depression so truly, and it helps to feel so not alone. Misery does NOT love company, but darnit if company doesn’t help us work through the misery… Sorry to hear Depression is being a dick, but jedi high fives to you (if you want them) for your awesome writing!
The best way to say fuck you to depression is going on to the next day. So many gave been ask consumed by it that they no longer get more days…. But just the fact you’re still here is evidence that depression hasn’t won its final boss, and just gotta keep telling it fuck you and go another day. Sometimes it doesn’t let us start or finish, but we go on in spite of it. Just keep on telling it “fuck you”, Wil, and move on to the next day. You’ll always have that little bit of power over it.
We’re all in this together. When one of us is low, about to drown in the darkness that is encroaching, another who is doing well reaches out a hand and says, hold on…I’ve got you…you will get through this…it gets better…depression lies…just keep going. One step at a time. One small victory. Get up. Go outside. Hug your wife. Take a deep breath. We’re all in this together.
Hi Wil,
Really sorry to hear that you’re struggling at the moment. I wondered if you’d ever tried meditation? The Calm.com app is really great and has helped me in the past. Anyway, hope you feel better soon.
p.s. Maybe Non-Judgemental Ninja needs to make an appearance?
p.p.s Your Big Bang episode at the Star Wars premiere aired in the UK the other day, your scenes were easily the funniest and my favourite!
As you know, you are not alone in dealing with depression and you have many supporters. Depression is a donkey dick, and your words help those of us who deal with the same feelings for a variety of reasons. I hope the support you have around you, helps you through those dark moments. May you have happy filled days ahead!
Hi there,
I am sure that you have talked with your doctor about the vivid dreams, but do you think it is the medication you are on? I was on vibryd and the dreams were ridiculous and scary and waking up took forever and made me feel just awful, like I was losing my mind. I hate it when the cure is worse than the ailment.
Depression sucks, medications suck, but know that your writing is fantastic and in many way so helpful to all. Your family is so special, just know you are so lucky to have such a great relationship with your sons. Unfortunately, some of us have tried with the step kids and no matter how hard we try it didn’t work out as well (a subject that pounds into my brain as a major failure when my head goes sideways). So go and hug them tight even if they are big boys.
And on a funnier note, I have been having a Star Trek marathon lately, and I just want you to know that yellow/orange sweater didn’t look THAT BAD and neither was the acting ensign grey (though really what was up with the high waist thingy on the back of the pants???).
I still can’t believe how long ago that was. I feel so old…..
I don’t have anything profound to say about depression, but I do want you to know that I loved you in the audiobook of RPO and just started Armada this morning and love you in that also.
Depression needs a good kick in the balls.
“not getting an audition for the Ready Player One movie”
Wait, how can they not give you a cameo? You’re the vice-president of the OASIS, FFS!
Right? If Spielberg was smart, he’d have Wil and Cory Doctorow appear as themselves in the movie.
I hear ya. Some days it’s impossible to wash the dishes. Not today. I’m still here. Hang in there.
Dude, remember this is the week after “they” messed with the clocks again. And remember that depression thrives on the variations in our schedules that we allow to take over for however short a time. It’s temporary. If you’ve gone through the therapy dance (and it sounds like you have) you know what to do when the monster gets out of its cave and comes after you. And I know (as a fellow sufferer) that all the advice in the world isn’t worth squat. One just has to feel like they do until they don’t feel like that any more. Me? I get through by blogging. Sounds like you have a lot of distractors in your own bag of tricks against depression. Good journey. We’re listening!