One of the super fun things about living with depression and anxiety is how my idiot brain can go from “CAN DO!” to “EXISTENCE IS SUFFERING” faster than you can wish to take two strokes off your golf game. So today started out normal, and very quickly became a rough day. One of the ways I help myself through days like today, is to acknowledge that I’m sick not weak, and then take one step after another to get out from under the lead apron that Depression likes to drape over my life.
I just answered an ask on my Tumblr thingy that has helped me feel better, and I wanted to put it here, so it’s easy for me to find again the next time I need it:
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Q: what can I do to bring myself out of depression?
So I’m having a tough day today, and I know that it’s my mental illness taking small things that most people can probably roll past, and blowing them up into one giant lead apron of I CAN’T EVEN.
Knowing that and accepting it doesn’t make it go away, but it does give me a little bit of light in this darkness, to help me eventually find the exit.
We have to remind ourselves that Depression Lies, and one of the things it does, to keep itself strong and in charge, is tell us lies, like: I am the worst at everything. Nobody really likes me. I don’t deserve to be happy. This will never end. And so on and so on. We can know, in our rational minds, that this is a giant bunch of bullshit (and we can look at all these times in our lives when were WERE good at a thing, when we genuinely felt happy, when we felt awful but got through it, etc.) but in the moment, it can be a serious challenge to wait for Depression to lift the roadblock that’s keeping us from moving those facts from our rational mind to our emotional selves.
And that’s the thing about Depression: we can’t force it to go away. As I’ve said, if I could just “stop feeling sad” I WOULD. (And, also, Depression isn’t just feeling sad, right? It’s a lot of things together than can manifest themselves into something that is most easily simplified into “I feel sad.”)
So another step in our self care is to be gentle with ourselves. Depression is beating up on us already, and we don’t need to help it out. Give yourself permission to acknowledge that you’re feeling terrible (or bad, or whatever it is you are feeling), and then do a little thing, just one single thing, that you probably don’t feel like doing, but I PROMISE you will help. Some of those things are:
- Take a shower.
- Eat a nutritious meal.
- Take a walk outside (even if it’s literally to the corner and back).
- Do something – throw a ball, play tug of war, give belly rubs – with a dog. Just about any activity with my dogs, even if it’s just a snuggle on the couch for a few minutes, helps me.
- Do five minutes of yoga stretching.
- Listen to a guided meditation and follow along as best as you can.
Finally, please trust me and know that this shitty, awful, overwhelming, terrible way you feel IS NOT FOREVER. It will get better. It always gets better. You are not alone in this fight, and you are OK.
You can ALWAYS talk to a mental health professional, too, if you have any thoughts of self-harm or feel hopeless. Some free and anonymous resources are:
- NAMI’s helpline: 800-950-6264
- OK 2 Talk: http://ok2talk.org/
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK (8255)
- Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
Check in with me in a few days and let me know how you’re doing, okay?
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For myself, today: I am getting off Twitter for at least the rest of today, and maybe until the end of the weekend. I am walking myself and my dogs. I am meditating. I am making sure I eat a nutritious lunch AND dinner (go me!). And I’m going to accept that, at this moment, my creative well is dry. It will refill in its own time, and I have to accept that I can’t force it.
Thank you for putting into words something I couldn’t describe to my spouse this evening. The darkness crept in today for me too. I don’t wish this suffering on anyone, but admit it’s comforting to know I am not alone. I hope you are able to use the positive comments here to push that black veil away because today you helped others by being open about your depression. Thank you and hugs!
Thank you, Wil.
It means a lot to me for you to share things like this. I’m going through depression as well – to the point where I am receiving electroshock therapy. While I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it helps to know that there are other people out there.
(Before people get the wrong idea, electroshock therapy has been shown some degree of promising efficacy for otherwise treatment resistant depression. It is safe and completely not like the horrible and misrepresenting example seen in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. )
Carrie Fisher was a strong advocate for Electric Therapy (ET, as she called it)… and I loved her all the more for talking about it.
Thanks Wil, I needed that. I’m off for a bike ride. MH bro hug.
Yes, indeedy doo. Thank you so much for mentioning the things we, oh hell, let’s face it – I need reminding of daily. Wise beyond your years, you are!
Wil, I hope you’re doing better, and that you’re okay with my sharing this link. For me, the post’s worth reading for the opening lines:
You need to get out of bed.
Roll for initiative.
Hi Wil,
I wonder if you or your wife can share any thoughts or advice for those dealing with depression in their significant others. I do not suffer from depression myself but my girlfriend has periods of depression. Ok I don’t know if it would be officially diagnosed as such, but at least she seems to go into a periods where she doesn’t, for example, see any hope in her job or her social life, and is generally very negative about everything. She has a hard time dealing with getting older (we are in our mid thirties, which I don’t really consider “old”) and she isn’t happy in her career path. At the same time (as I try to also subtly remind her) we are both healthy, have a good income, a wonderful house and no significant problems with our families. I have to admit I find it often hard to deal with, as I’m usually someone who is rather easygoing and tend to see the positive side of things. I feel I have to spend a lot of energy trying to cheer her up, or at least to get her out of the worst gloom. I get annoyed when she gives a negative spin on everything that happens and I feel like she doesn’t really have so much to be so sad about. Inside I sometimes get angry with her for wasting all this time being gloomy when our lives to all intents and purposes are rather good, which of course isn’t great for the quality of our relationship in these periods. How do you and your wife deal with the pressure on your relationship when you get into a period of depression?
I don’t know if you have had other responses, but here’s mine.
Depression is not a choice. It’s an insidious mind monster that convinces, despite reassurance from loved ones that you are not a useless screw up.
I have dealt with depression for most of my 65 years. Many days getting out of bed is almost impossible. I have a fantastic husband who has had a hard time coping with my serous down moods. I can get pretty good at “hiding” my depression. Many people I have worked with over the years didn’t know I suffered. Essentially I came out if the “closet” and “exposed” my depression. It helped a bit but can leave me as a target for bullies!
The best thing you can do for you wife AND for yourself is show your support. It’s tough to NOT get angry since, from the outside depression makes no sense! It has almost nothing to do with how well she does her job, how well she handles her relationships and her brain has convinced her that life as bleak and not worth living.
As a depressed person, I have often contemplated suicide. My messed up brain had me convinced that my family would be so much bettor off without me.
I self harmed (cutting), played” a “game” with my kids I called (let’s pretend were not home) when I was in a deep depression.
I have 3 adult kids now, two of them suffer from various degrees of depression and other mental health issues. It can be genetic, my dad and one of my grandmothers clearly suffered from depression before it was clearly recognized.
Try to remember, this is not her choice, she has a broken pathway in her brain that has her convinced she is not as good as she truly is. It can help for you to see a specialist to learn how you can cope when her brain gets screwy. We didn’t choose to have this problem, but there are lots of ways to cope. It’s best to start small. Offer to go for a short walk with her. Don’t try to convince her that it’s just in her head, that is the worst. Make sure she has healthy food to eat when she is really down. Sugar and carbs can make it worse! I wish you both well. This will be a tough go but if you try to see that it’s not a choice, your find it easier to cope.
I had to come back to this tonight. Not for myself but for my very young son. He had been iffy all day and at bed time the dam of emotion broke. He spilled out all of the bad his “brain keeps saying”. After the tears calmed, I asked if I could read this to him. I told him it was something that has helped me and it was written by someone who also has “a bully brain”. He snuggled up to me and calmed as I read your words.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, thank you. Thank you for putting this out there so we know we aren’t alone in the sea of lies that takes over the mind
Thanks for keeping the conversation going. It makes me feel normal which makes life easier. My depression doesn’t manifest as sadness. It’s just a complete loss of interest in everything and practically no energy to move forward. The only reason my house is moderately clean – or clean enough to keep us from having to get a tetanus shot – is a checklist I made earlier in the week. I’m currently hiding in the bathroom so I don’t have to interact with anyone but I will vacate soon … mainly because I’m hungry and eating in the bathroom is frowned upon. Thanks for making me feel normal.
Each and every one of us, no matter what walk of life, whether we be in the public eye, or a regular Joe blow are just 1 of over 7 billion people on this planet. This can seem very lonely at times and even make some of us feel insignificant but when you strip the world down to the people you care about and those that are closest to you all of a sudden you are not alone and definitely not insignificant. Never be afraid to share your worries and concerns with these people and always be honest with yourself, we all matter and all have a purpose for being here, the only expectations we need to live up to are our own and we get evolve and choose what these expectations are, when in doubt fudge the figures a bit and take it easy on yourself then try again another day. A single sole that is only 1 in 7 billion will leave a mark on this world even if its only a small one.