Every day, I open up this editor.
Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.
Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.
And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.
I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.
I really really really hate this.
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Well, I care. But it is important to vent. so, if part of what is bogging you down is the horrific political situation, step back and let some of the rest of us carry the burden for a little while. Then come back and take over, maybe give some of the others a rest. Just do the best you can at the moment. No one has to do everything all the time.
Dear Wil,
You changed my life, and I’m sure you’ve changed others.
I’ve achieved things this past year I wouldn’t have thought possible before. And it’s because your words resonated with me, as though a light came on in my mind.
This year has had tough parts too, and I get through by remembering the wins, no matter how minor.
You should know that people care, and appreciate your efforts. Don’t let the darkness overshadow you. Let the light you’ve bought to others help brighten your day, and take it one step at a time.
Let me just add that you’re one of the George Baileys. And even George needed to let out anger at injustice and frustration. And also like him, you really make a lot of us happy and feel better about being alive and human. My husband and I really like the fact that we’re in the same world with you. So there!
I agree with healy24yang, here. You don’t know your own value, and your impact on this world is far greater than you can see from your perspective. I hope Clarence, or one of his assistant angels, gets on to your case soon. Have a wonderful life, Wil!
A perfect, season appropriate, sentiment.
{{hugs}} and kind thoughts from me to you.
To quote/paraphrase something you said that really stuck with me and has kept my motivation up when it’s failed before:
Every time you put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, there’s a thing where there wasn’t a thing before and that’s pretty neat.
The Trump Affect.
If you chose “Affect” over “Effect” with purpose, then I salute you, sir.
We understand that people have their highs and lows, and we definitely care about you! Hang in the there!!
What you do, and write, matters to me. Reading your words improves my life in many ways. Sometimes they bring a welcome smile or laugh, and sometimes they make me think, consider, and reconsider the world around me. They always matter. I’m sorry that things are hard. You matter to me.
Hi Wil, a couple of weeks ago I discovered The Most Dangerous Writing App. It’s absolutely brilliant for getting over the procrastination. You type non-stop for 5, 10, 20 minutes and if you pause for longer than 5 seconds you lose everything. I like the default time of 5 minutes. That seems to work out at 250 words. I don’t look at the screen, just at the keyboard. It’s teaching me to type so fast that my brain has to keep up with my fingers. Of course, loads of mistakes easily corrected (I use Grammarly.com for that).
God! I’m sounding like an infomercial. Don’t mean to. It’s just that I don’t often come across something that’s brilliant and free.
If it interests you, here’s the link: http://www.themostdangerouswritingapp.com
Rupert in London UK
Wil, No matter what the current circumstances of all your other fans, you have the capability to intrigue, inspire, and lead others with your creativity and inspiration and leadership. All syrup aside, you have a fan in this old man…as old as Star Trek. LOL.
You got out of bed. You got dressed. You sat down to work. And you’re honest. Those are the tools you need. I hope the gray curtain lifts for you soon.
Calm virtual hand on shoulder
It does matter, even if it seems the world doesn’t care. It matters to you to write something, whether it ends up being good, bad or indifferent. Ultimately, you are a creative mind that sometimes runs out of ideas or inspiration. (Yeah, you know this, but sometimes we need to hear it/see it)
We are all having trouble finding the words to say this year, how to be positive, how to hold others up when they need it. Sometimes I wonder if we just don’t all need a global “lean against each other to hold us all up” day.
You are good people.
This reads to me like one of those times when you may have to take one second at a time…maybe only one word at a time.
(Remember, depression lies…writer’s block can feed into it as well.) Strength to you.
I think this year has taken a lot out of everyone. It’s okay to be weary. Athletes have the “off season” for a reason. We can’t hustle all the time. Write, or don’t. Enjoy the holidays (says the guy getting weepy every night missing his dad…) and at some point you’ll wake up with a story in your head, and you’ll write the hell out of it. In the meantime, know that all the things you’ve created are still out here, little micro-copies of you running in parallel, making people happy.
I love this: “…In the meantime, know that all the things you’ve created are still out here, little micro-copies of you running in parallel…”
I’m personally feeling so burnt out that opening this today and seeing someone else who feels the same, who understands, Wil is just like a hug.
I know it’s not much but fill better soon.
Maybe you need to change medium. I switched to terrible stick and sketches, laughed at myself then got that Ooooh idea moment back. Play in a rpg someone else has written designed yo blow of steam. Eat a banana split. Chew bubblegum and politely prod buttock.
Dear Wil, I rarely comment on things like this, but I know your pain, or at least my version of something similar this year; it’s not “the same,” yet I know that the support of others, and knowing that you want it to get better are going to help.
Personally, I have great respect for you and hope that good vibes and kind thoughts directed your way can help in some capacity.
Take care. I hope your anxiety will pass soon.
RHP – in Monreal
I know the feeling.
I just received the renewal notice for my website domain. I shut it down about 5 years ago for a rebuild I never did.
Every year I renew it and I think, Yea I’ll do it this year.
And every time I sit down to start writing I do the same damn thing.
Your right. It is stupid LOL.
People care. I care.
The fact that you sit there and try is worth something.
Don’t EVER think that ‘nobody cares”. That is complete bullshit and you need to tell the stupid part of your mind that.
All of us that are here care. Even typing “I’m still here” is something that we will be happy to see because we DO care and we WANT you here.
Just keep trying. That’s all that any of us want.
Wil, I am a huge fan of yours for all of the positive mental health care stuff you post here and on Tumblr (and I’m 40, so I liked you even before then from SBM and TNG). As a clinical social worker, I often share your words with my clients. I don’t know where you’re at right now, mental-health wise, but I hope that you are prioritizing self-care, and giving yourself permission to have a shitty day. Two things can be true at the same time: you’re doing the best you can, AND you can do better. These two things are true, at the same time, all of the time. At least trying to believe that helps me through the darkness.
Solidarity my child. This has been a terrible year globally, nationally and personally. Every day we get through is a triumph. You are so gifted. Those gifts will never leave you. They are safe within you. And when it is time you will be able to exercise those gifts.
Wil, we need a new Radio Free Burrito broadcast. Not to put more pressure on you, just your friends out here waiting to listen to you. We support you.
Wil, I’m sorry your brain is being a fucking asshole. It’s hard enough to deal with depression and anxiety without the current infuriating state of our country. In addition to telling you that you are not alone, I have a suggestion, a statement and an invite.
When I’m feeling crushed by life and my stupid brain and can’t find my creativity, I muster up the energy and do something completely new. I go explore a new hiking area or town, read a totally different genre of book, do something silly like glow in the dark mini golf. Doing things with my dearest friends ups the therapeutic ante. Getting out of my head and routine can sometimes jump start the creativity and enthusiasm. Perseverance and commitment are virtues but sometimes doing something else for awhile is even better.
I’ve read a lot of your posts where you talk about your output and the perceived quality of the product, but your creative work is not why I follow you. It’s YOU. Your intelligence, humor, curiosity are what make me a fan. I don’t care if you ever write a novel or star in a movie, as long as you are real and honest and hilarious. You don’t need to produce to have people who admire and appreciate you. Just think on that.
And finally (at the end of the longest blog comment I’ve ever written), if you need a change of scenery to jump start your psyche, come up to Portland for our game day on New Year”s Eve! There will be a house full of nerdy, smart, hilarious kindred spirits there and I can almost guarantee that you will beat me at every game 😉
Hang in there, man.
Lately I’ve been trying to force stories and tips through my own blog. It started to sound boring and repetitive. I had to force myself to say “I guess I’ll wait until something true hits me.” I hope you find your own “truth” and get through this.
So like with most other things I write on other people’s comments, I’m going to start with a self-depreciating asterisk (I almost wrote Self Depreciating Asterix – which lead me down the weird mental rabbit hole of Asterix and Obelix hosting “Wagon Talk”). I’ve never written anything entirely original for publication or sale. I’ve written fanfic of various lengths. I’ve also written a lot of criticism (some of which I’ve actually gotten money for writing).
I got thinking, reading this, about what works for me. I admit this may work only for me, and nobody else ever, because I’m weird and I have Autism so my brain is wired a little funny (and because Autism is a spectrum my brain is probably wired differently than someone else who has Autism) – and that the brain of a person with Autism has different weird wiring than the brain of a person with Depression.
With those asterisks out of the way, I’ve noticed that this past horrible, horrible year has been crappy for anything original I’ve wanted to write, but been weirdly motivating when it comes to criticism – writing about the things I’ve watched and read and listened to, and why they worked (or didn’t work) for me. Not just in terms of writing and characterization, but general themes that have resonated with me with these various works. Occasionally, in the past (though not quite this year), I stumble across something that leads me to write something more involved (usually fanfic).
This leads me to my semi-thought/suggestion/easily ignorable advice – earlier in the year you mentioned that you were going to try to read more, and watch more movies and other similar stuff. Maybe… try shifting gears for a bit. When you watch a movie, or finish a book or video game, sit down for a bit and write your thoughts about that work in something maybe a little more long form (if you’re not doing it already). You don’t have to post it here (though I’d certainly be interested in what you have to say).
That said I don’t know you – we’ve never met (not even at a convention), and this could be completely off base or could unintentionally come across as super-condescending – in which case I apologize as that was not my intent.
I hope this is somehow helpful.
Maybe today is an OK day to tell you that once, a not so many years ago you wrote about depression and it impacted me. You wrote this one.
http://wilwheaton.net/2012/09/depression-lies/
I’m still here today because you wrote that then. You worded something in such a way that I understood it for the first time. You connected me to another blog post that gave even more clarity. If you can’t write something now, its ok. It will come back. What you write does matter to me personally and I wager to other people too.
I care. You’re a great writer, Wil. You matter to me and other people.
Not sure what you’re trying to do but if it frustrates you that much, don’t do it! 🙂
It could be worse, though. You could be opening the text editor and then suddenly wonder what you were about to do as you’ve forgotten what you’re doing. You just have a writer’s block, not dementia… 😉
One day you will be old and wrinkled and look back on your memories while your false teeth are smiling at you from a glass. That day, you want to remember the happy things of life, not the frustrating moments. Forget about this textbox for a moment and go out for a walk with your dogs, enjoy the sun and the nice weather.
Or if you’re in the Netherlands like I am, take a look out of the window at the snow-covered landscape where a neighbor is walking their Chihuahua, whom you see jump up and down to walk through the snow and to avoid that his “thingies” freeze off…
You’re not in such a bad position anyways… 😉
Okay, this may be assvice. But I say, walk away from the computer. Take your dogs for a walk, and take your lovely wife with you. Reconnect with the things in your life that you love. Do not let the guilt that may come because you are not at the computer writing get to you. Recharge and reconnect with what is good in the world – your world. (If you are able, I know depression can get inthe way of enjoyment.) But if this is not depression but a sane response to our insane country – then it may help to walk away. Breathe the air, watch the puppies run, laugh with your partner in crime. There’s no point in staring at the computer screen and frustrating yourself. It will still be there when you are ready.
If that’s assvice, Kate, it’s some of the best I’ve seen!
I am only qualified to address the “nobody cares” part of this: If you have nothing to say or can’t find the words, there is no blame to be placed by us, your fans. That being said, I check this blog on a near-daily basis because I love to read what you have to say, even if it doesn’t directly affect me. Every time I log in, I am especially hoping to see mention of a new book, or novella, or film/television appearance. That is because I want to be able to say to the people I know, love, and work with that “Hey! This really great author/actor who I follow (and who I found out about their writing before you) has a new thing coming out and I know you will love it and I just want to be able to share this thing I love with you and I hate proper punctuation!”
Please keep trying. If we can wait on George R.R. Martin and Patrick Rothfuss, we can wait on you. I’m sure it’s gonna be worth it.
Please note that there are many of us who care, and who share in your frustration. Happens to us all. Just keep on fighting. The block will loosen.
It matters to me, and I care. 🙂 Hope that helps a little.
Wil, it’s okay. A lot of us writing at the moment wake up, look at a blank screen and wonder what, if anything, we can scribe upon it that will seem, at least to us, a worthwhile paragraph or two. What I find helps sometimes is if you let another do the narration for you. Read a book. Watch some TV. Go for a walk and listen to other peoples conversations. All these things inspire me. Maybe they can do the same for you. And if all that fails I’d be more than pleased to have you join our Role Play group via Skype, if only for an evening. Best wishes man.
Thanks for being honest with us. My 2¢ won’t make any immediate impact, but let me add to the chorus: What you, Wil, do for the community does have a positive impact. Of course you already know that, but even your admission helps me feel less alone.
My gratitude goes to you.
Wil,
Life is change.
Whether you are feeling the crushing weight of health concerns, mental health issues or the seemingly endless insanity of some of the world’s “leaders”… remember that life is change.
This… whatever “this” is…. is impermanent.
It will change.
Be strong… be patient… be change.
Do what you can to help change along.
If you cannot affect change directly yourself, continue to support those that can.
Your words inspire, even if they are currently eluding your grasp. Your body of work moves us to reflect, laugh and feel closer to our fellow humans.
When things change, as they inevitably will, I look forward to hearing and reading your insightful words once again.
Your unmet friend,
Derek
I care. Just put your thoughts, no matter how random, on the paper (screen). You can say anything. A hundred years from now it won’t matter. Or a hundred minutes, just depends.
Wil, I know that this has been a very tough year. However, as someone who might not be here now if it wasn’t for you and everything you’ve written and done, I want you to know that I and everyone else who reads this blog cares deeply when it comes to what you do. We understand how difficult this year has been, and we are here to support you the way that you have(knowingly or unknowingly)supported us. We are here for you, and will continue to be here for you until hell freezes over. I’m not the only here saying this, but you are my hero and have done so much for my life that I owe you everything and if there is anything that I and your other readers can do, we will go to extreme lengths to achieve it for you. Thank you for everything you do, and you WILL get through this, okay? We all love you and are pulling for you Wil.
Hey Will,
It’s that time of year. Anybody with a mood disorder, or mental health challenge gets taken to the mat this time of year like you are sumo wrestling the hulk. My ADD has had the 2017 failure reel on fast forward cross fade repeat for the last three weeks. Every time I lost my temper with someone who didn’t deserve it, every time I procrastinated, every incomplete project I swore to myself I would finish rendered in the vivid technocolor that only the holographic aspects of human memory can provide. The imposter syndrome is telling me I’m a burned out has-been and I’ll never get my coding chops back despite having turned around another flailing dev team. Spit out the metaphorical blood in your mouth, remind yourself you have lived through worse than this, know you’re not alone and what you are going through is not your fault.
We care. Just post old photos of your bed head so we know you’re still out there when you can’t write.
Be kind to yourself. We like having you around.
Been there many a time. I’ve worked as a professional writer for seven years and I still find myself more than a few times staring at a blank Word document for hours wondering why words don’t want to happen.
If it helps (and if your post was not to be construed as a solicitation for help, feel free to disregard), try going Jackson Pollack on the page. Don’t worry if the words go nowhere or if the plots don’t thread together or if you go off on a complete tangent in your sci-fi noir story about the checkout clerk at the supermarket that double-charged you for the carton of Cokes and left the deli turkey out of your bags that you didn’t notice was missing until you got home and… well… like I said, digression can be progress too.
All seriousness, Wil, you’ll get there. The cloud will lift.
It all matters, don’t you worry about that. My mother was a firm believer in the ebb and flow of lunar cycles and biorhythms, and I scoffed (as a young man does at his mother, perhaps foolishly). Now, in my “middle age”, I realize it may not coincide with the moon or some strange internal wave pattern, but those ebbs and flows surely do exist. And they are necessary. Ride out the low troughs of blank pages and then surge as hard as you can when the waves/words break. That’s all you or I can do. My mother said so, and now I believe her.
I know your brain is probably not currently being kind enough for this to go in fully but we care. We love what you do and what you write about. Sometimes, even the things you class as failings are actually almost kindnesses for others. Take what you’ve just written above, to me it just goes to show that I’m not the only one who struggles to do things that I know I should be able to and now I don’t feel so alone. So thank you for your honesty. I hope you find a kind place in your brain soon.
Much love from across the pond in the UK. xx
If that were true Wil, then there would not be all of these comments. Obviously, what you say is important to many people, and not because you are a “celebrity” or a “star”. It is because what you say means something. Gordie had something to say and he said it very well. Gordie grew up into Wil and Wil has something to say, and he says it very well. I do not expect you to type 24 hours per day, but when you do type something, I consider it important enough for me to take the time to read it.
So much this. You aren’t the only creator/artist/maker feeling this way. This year has been brutal.
I care. And as some smart person – who is reading this now – once wrote: Depression Lies.
Thanks for being you, Wil.
For what it’s worth from a nobody in a nowhere town, You helped me get through a tough time. The toughest I have ever faced in my life. Your rebooted life journals helped me to get motivated again, to stay motivated. I hope this will help you, you are a hero to me, because you showed me that doing anything even mistakes or garbage output, is still better than letting my brain stop me from doing anything… That’s what I see this post as. Doing something and proving your perspective WRONG. I love you and your work especially the worst of it, because it reminds me to just do SOMETHING. Thank you for your humanity and vulnerability. Hope this helps.
For what it’s worth, Wil, I’m the same way. My blog used to bring me a lot of pleasure, and I used to feel like I had things to say. Not so much now. The same phenomenon, I start posts that go nowhere and never get published, and I struggle with the question of whether it even matters. I wish I had an answer. All I can say is, you’re not alone.
Um.. hi.
This message is taking a lot of effort to write for some reason, so I’m sorry if I’m inarticulate. A part of me is screaming at myself to stop writing, shut the phone off, and walk away. What meaningful interaction can one have in this format?
I struggle, like you do. Right now, I’m about a 1/2 step away from not being in control anymore… of not being.
This expression of frustration and (maybe?) despair is so very familiar. Words once my thing, 10 years ago or so. The loss has been catastrophic. Please keep trying. It gets harder the longer you wait. Your posts are a bit of incandescence in a world that has started to rot. Please don’t feel like this is for nothing.
Hmm… That was really supposed to be a message of empathy and solidarity, not whatever it came off as (yes, bad grammar on purpose). “Ce n’est pas un appel au secours” as it were.
That said, thank you for taking the time to try and help an internet stranger. Please don’t lose that.
I understand. You are not alone. This too shall pass.
All trite sayings, perhaps, but nonetheless true.
Hugs, Wil. Truly, this too shall pass.
It happens to the best of us, Wil. (Not that I claim to be one of ‘the best’)…I don’t know how many novels I’ve had ideas for, even started on, and never finished, not least because I convince myself there’s no point, because who the hell besides me is ever going to want to read them? Some days the juice just doesn’t flow. I’m sure that some days it’s a pain in the ass having an audience of people expecting content from you, but I’m sure if I had that pressure it might be helpful in getting my lazy rear in gear…that being said, we’re all your fans and I’m sure that most of us understand when you just aren’t feeling up to the task of giving us something interesting to read.