this is stupid

Every day, I open up this editor.

Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.

Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.

And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.

I really really really hate this.

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409 thoughts on “this is stupid”

  1. What everyone else just wrote! It’s all true.

    We love you because you are the best. You have helped so many of us so many times, I have lost track. Take your own advice: a change of scenery, exercise, shower, love, sex, walk, run, breather deep. And watch out for all that smoke in the air from the fires. Yesterday, it looked like Mordor where I live about 200 miles north of you.

    To sum it all up, go out and kick depressions ass!
    Love.

  2. Depression lies, to quote you back to you…. and apparently, so does writer’s block. Keep up the good fight. Keep opening the window, and type nonsense if you must until not-nonsense starts happening. You got this!

  3. Don’t forget, none of this is normal. There are still good, honest, creative writers and cute dogs out here, but we are all fatigued by this year. It is always darkest before the dawn (and always most prosaic and stagnant before a jolt of inspiration).

  4. Dude!!!. Seriously? There are women walking 5 miles (ONE WAY) in war-torn areas of Darfur just to get a gallon of drinkable water. Grow a pair and stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself, you insufferable, whining, pouting special little snowflake. YOU DISGUST ME.

    3. While there are so many more tragic things in the world, that’s not what this space is about. But you know that, Al, you’re just trolling and dropping what little bit of bitterness your tiny testicles can push out onto the page because you’re feeling mean about something else. About that, truly no one cares.

    5. Wow, such compassion. Why don’t you get your head out of your ass and grow some yourself. .

  5. Dear Wil,
    There are not enough words in the American version of English for me to tell you how mush so many of us care. We care. Writing is hard. If it were easy, more of us would do it. Writing something that means something to someone else is REALLY difficult. And you’ve done it. Multiple times.
    Maybe you can take your passion and semi-celebrity and direct it towards making change. become the voice of something you care about. not just on your blog or twitter but in Realspace (TM). Maybe that’s what’s next.
    In the mean time, remember that there are lots of us out here who care enough to reply to this to let you know that we care. Wow that was a weird sentence.

  6. Sometimes I wish I had never become optimistic about the future. Sometimes I wished I never dreamed big for me and all of us.

    I feel like every time I think that things are going to get back on track some jerk-wad derails it all and I realize that the good feeling was distracting me while the assholes behind the jerk-wad plotted some other greedy plan to get richer at the expense of others.

    As a Canadian I am sorry we haven’t taken more leadership in the world and lived up to the promise we advertised of bring a better world for everyone. As a kid I really bought that we would.

    Now I struggle to create and find myself escaping more often due to the soul sucking news of times we are in.

    On a positive note I am reading the Matthew Kadish Earthman Jack series which has been poking at the idealist young man still lurking deep inside of me. I have also enjoyed the pop culture references in it for a good laugh, I mean Bill and Ted references set in another universe made me giggle when I needed it.

    Take care dude. You are an artist and as such you need to nurture your heart and soul more than many of us who have hardened ourselves to survive the drudgery.

  7. Wil, I know I am just one faceless voice on the internet, but I personally look forward to reading whatever words you put to paper or it’s digital equivalent.

    I sympathize with the feeling that the work I’m doing doesn’t mean anything, and to our own mind it’s very easy to believe that, but look at all the people you are pulling together that love to celebrate all you create. Without the work you’ve done, none of us would be here.

    Thank you for all you do, and please keep writing. The internet would be too quiet without you.

  8. Wil, I didn’t write a single thing between November 2016 and October of this year. We have a damned good reason to feel disconnected and out of sync. The fact that we’re here at all and fighting is enough.

    Be kind to yourself. Take the time you need. And it will return.

  9. Would it help to write out / journal out all of your frustration with the world this year? Not with the intention of publishing it, just with the intention of venting and getting it out of your head. You could always burn it after. Might be cathartic. Either way, hang in there, and thank you for all that you do. Because of being open about mental illness and the writing by you, Anne, and Jenny Lawson, I’m in therapy and on meds. Thank you for being an inspiration

  13. It matters, you matter.

    Don’t let anyone, anything, or even your own head tell you otherwise.

    Pet your dog, share a beer with your son, give your wife a kiss. It all matters.

  14. Depression is a deceptive and cruel mistress. It can make you blind to the support around you and can convince you that you are not worthy. I’m here to tell you that you ARE worthy. You have helped so many people just by living your truth. Being open about your depression and anxieties helps so many of us realize we are not alone. And you aren’t either sweetheart. We may be strangers to you, but we are still here for you. I know you don’t know me, don’t have any reason to trust me, but if you ever need to talk to someone who lives with it too, I am here.

  15. Wil:
    I check your twitter feed at least once a day. I check this website every other day. I care about what you write. If you can’t write, I certainly understand why. This has been a garbage fire of a year. And depression lies. I have learned a lot from your blogs and your books. Thank you for being honest with us and sharing your life with us. Please accept internet hugs from a complete stranger who does care.

  16. Wil, hang in there, buddy.

    There was a YouTube video you posted a few weeks ago where you said, and I’m paraphrasing:

    “Depression sucks, and a lot of other things are sucking right now. But you know, there was this thing that happened today that was awesome, and there are other things that are awesome, too. Including you. You’re awesome. Play more games.”

    That message, and everything else you’ve written that echoes it, resonates deep with me. Because there’s the fun stuff, the awesome stuff, and there’s the sucky, horrible stuff too. And it’s all there, but we–and you–can be awesome, in spite of everything. That has nothing to do with putting funny words on a screen, but with allowing yourself to be a real person in a world where it’s hard to tell what to trust. That message is real. Thank you for putting it out there.

  17. I am currently on the East coast and settling into a snow/ice/cold depressive mode. I know I am luckier than most of LA, but rationale like that never helps, just makes me more depressed. It is kind or prosaic, but anything new that requires my concentration helps me climb out of the psych-hole. Not sure what streaming service you have, but binge something new-to-you. Legalities permitting, close off your posting, writing, performing and do something not critically important.

  19. Wil, just wanted to let you know I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I’m gonna tell you what a friend of mine told Jenny Lawson when they met at a book signing “You are a force for good in the world”. Your honesty in sharing your struggles, your writing, table top, and your kindness to many folks through the net have all given people a lot of joy.

    I wasn’t originally going to include any kind of suggestions, but as I sat down to write this I remembered that Binti pulled me out of a bad stuck place, and if you haven’t read it I’d recommend it. It’s not particularly relevant to anything, but just mind bending good and original, and I thought Id lost my ability to immerse myself into something in that way.

  20. Hey Wil. Just a hey, and a hello, and an “I’m really sorry you’re feeling unproductive.”

    I’m a scientist at a big research place. People often feel like what I do is more important than anything- trying to cure diseases like Guillain-Barre (your old friend) and eradicate food poisoning from the developing world’s food supply… and developing vaccines.

    But in the face of the UNRELENTING TERRIBLE that is America and the news right now, I have found it so hard to focus, and so hard to motivate myself. I ask myself – why bother with any of it? Why bother with working 15 hour days to make vaccines mommies will be too afraid to take? Why do I bother with logic in a culture disinterested in that?

    All I’m trying to say is – no matter what our journey, I think we all sometimes find ourselves a little short on meaning. That’s ok.

  22. Wil,

    Well just stop. Go live life for what it is. You are loved and respected personally and professionally, nobody gets that from being a**. We only have one chance at this thing. You did it. You are a good man, father and husband and son. No more is required from this gig called life, you crushed it brother.

  25. Dude, I feel your pain. But we keep trying every day and that’s what counts. So just write…even if it’s bullshit and not good and boring. It will change, and suddenly everything will come out. You got this. And we got your back.

  26. “Your gonna be a great writer someday Gordie.” Never give up my brother! We are only one day at a time trying to move mountains that have been here long before and after we leave this life. We can only be fortunate enough to become storytellers that tell everyone how beautiful that mountain really was in our own words, feelings and despairs to pass on that legacy. Keep up the great work and inspiration my friend!! Merry Christmas!!

  27. I have to force myself every day to do shit. As someone who wants to make a difference, and working somewhere where I don’t, I know what you mean. I spend 8 hours a day in a toxic environment with people who aren’t my favorite. What’s the point? Well, I can make small differences, which is better than nothing, so I do. I try to be nicer to strangers. I donate to causes I care about (albeit small donations). I’ve adopted animals over the years. I try to make people laugh. I’ve been on anti depression/anxiety meds for roughly 25 years. I push. Every day. Especially in the past year. Keep pushing, bud.

  28. I don’t have any wise words or blithe encouragement because I’m feeling the same creative cesspool. I haven’t written anything in ages. I got my SAG card and haven’t worked on set for most of the year. I wish I could tell you the magic formula or give you some phrase or encouragement to be kinder to yourself because you are so loved and so talented and this too shall pass, it’ll just suck like hell until it does.

    But I can sit here and raise a glass, just as miserable as you and say, “I’m down here too, friend. It isn’t just you. You are not alone.”

  29. Not trying to be a pill, but who says you need to write? Maybe walk away from it for a month or year or forever. So many ways to express oneself (one’s self?) creatively. All art forms are equal.

    Maybe 2018 can be the year you cover pieces of handpicked fruit in lucite and mail them in limited edition Wilboxes to random people in Lithuania. Don’t be a prisoner to obligations that aren’t real.

    You could also come visit me in China and we could dress like Dio and roller skate.

    Also, please consider that your system is suffering from a dangerous lack of vitamin AC/DC. That could be The Thing.

    1. Isn’t it (past) time to summon Spudnuts?

      Together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. Or like Smothers Brothers.

  31. I’m gonna give you something that helped me. Human beings are actually pack animals and it’s in our nature to help strengthen our pack. It’s the hardest thing to do when struggling or depressed, but every single time, without fail, finding someone to serve (even someone who I think has it better than me) gets me out of it.

  32. If the issue is depression, go and see your doctor. Maybe meds and/or talk therapy would help you. (DON’T see a Psychiatrist! Go to a Christian with a Master’s in counseling–BEST results that way!)

    If the issue is a creative slump, here’s two ideas: 1. Get a book on creativity exercises for writers, and/or take a creative writing class at a community college. Even though it doesn’t matter, having the teacher assign you something to write, complete with a deadline, can jumpstart your brain.

  33. If it makes you feel any better (it never does, but one always hopes), I’m in exactly the same boat. I used to write daily, now I can’t put pen to paper on anything I want. I can write a Hamiltonian essay about politics right now, but I can’t finish my story. It’s the worst.

    We’ll get through this. Maybe not together or even at the same time, but we’ll get through it.

  34. Seriously — tried writing bad fanfic? (Or at least horribly self-indulgent fanfic.) It’s what dragged me out of a No Writing Slump that lasted a year, long and long ago, anyway.

    You can then make up a handle and post it to AO3, or not. We’ll never know.

    pats It’s a terrible year.

  35. Even if you’re right and it is all stupid, you know that your previous writing has made a difference in somebody’s life. You’ve read the comments as well as I gave. You’ve already made a difference in real people’s lives with words you’ve written. Keep at it. Maybe you’ll do it again.

  36. The other day, I was talking to my partner about you, and the fact that you are one of those people who I wish I could just send a message like I would to a friend, because I have a thought that seems like one you would enjoy, or is relevant to something you’ve said. (I think, in this particular instance, it was that I wanted to say how deeply pleased I was that I got to put the rule “Observe Wheaton’s Law” in the roommate agreement we were drafting for our new house, and how happy it made me on several levels – or possibly remembering that John Green once quoted Wheaton’s Law in an episode of Dear Hank and John, and how absolutely perfect I found that. Possibly both.) You’re one of my heroes in so many ways, but more than that, you are so truly, deeply, honestly real in a way that is so incredible to me.

    I’ve looked up to you since I was a kid who got along better with my sibling’s friends than kids my own age, who read books too fast and devoured knowledge and was thrilled that there was someone like me on TV to look up to when my family watched Next Gen. I grew up admiring Wesley in the same breath as Picard. And you’ve never let me down, the more I’ve followed you now that technology is such an accessible thing. Because there’s someone out there in real life who’s like me too – and is open and honest about their mental health struggles.

    Your honesty about your struggles has always been something I admire SO deeply about you. And I’m sorry that right now, it sucks so hardcore. But you matter. These posts matter. Talking about it matters, because it means you’re not holding it all in. And we can all reassure you that you’re not alone, and depression lies – because you’ve told so many of us that in turn.

    You’re badass as hell. You are so much more than the words you can or cannot write on a page. (Maybe someday soon, I’ll convince myself of that too.)

    Hang in there, Wil. We’re all cheering for you.

  37. I feel the same, many of us do, even without your illness. To me it seems as if all creativity has gone from the world, and this political darkness that hangs over us suppresses any little spark that comes. I am hoping that I can accomplish one of my projects soon and that will help to break this ominous pall over me. To create anything will be a start.

    Here’s hoping your paper becomes filled with wondrous words.

    Colleen

  38. You matter. Your words matter. Your actions matter. It’s not always enough. But it’s easy to miss when it is. We get feedback when things go wrong. Our brains are wired to feel that stronger than when we get things right. Fight that shit.

    And if you’re still losing, check your meds again, man. It’s a shit year, and it’s harder, but it should not shut us down, yanno? (Fellow sufferer of derp-pression. I like calling it that, it feels more accurate and takes power from it.)

  39. I’m sorry you feel that way at the moment. But this is a moment, however long or short it is, it will not last (to paraphrase Gandalf in LOTR “IT SHALL NOT LAST”). Thank you for what you do, thank you for sharing, you have made a difference in my life, you have helped me get through my difficult moments.

    As others have said before me (and said a lot better), be kind to yourself and try to return to the positives in your life, most importantly your beautiful family & pets. You know their true love for you, let that embrace you at this time. Let that fill you up and help you look at things differently.

    Hope this helps a little, joyeux Noël & Nollaig Shona Duit

  40. I met you at Salt Lake Comic Con this year, Wil. I had you sign little Wesley Crusher, and I mentioned that I was a software engineer. Keep fighting the good fight, and if words don’t come, you can always take a break with your Raspberry Pi to learn more python coding. Eventually, what you need to say will come.

  41. There’s a time to DO, Wil, and a time to BE. They’re equally important. You don’t always need to be doing. Immerse yourself in the being. You’ll learn things there that will make you better in the doing. Be patient. -Marty ([email protected])

  42. I think it is easy to right now for people with empathy to get overwhelmed by all the crappy things going on. There is nothing wrong with getting away from it. Yes, the situation is bad, but the view from outside the US is less overwhelming. Maybe you could travel and stay away from the news for a little while. There are lots of good things in the world. You could go find some. It might help.

  44. I am not sure you will even read this because to be frank regardless of what I say I am sure somebody has said it better than me. What really matters is that you continue to be who you are. The toughest part of being creative is understanding that you create for yourself and not for us. We like and appreciate the things you do but if there comes a time when you don’t like what you are doing the. Do something you like and come back to it. Let your life inspire and define your creativity and don’t let your creativity define your life(boy that sounded stupid!!). Here is the thing it doesn’t matter if it sounds stupid or not. What matters is that you try…

  46. This. So Much THIS. And yet, even just saying THIS, here, on your blog, wishing it were something else, something creative or funny or cool or whatever else you were wishing it was, it’s still: THIS. We are here. We DO care. We know what you deal with, because you tell us. Depression Lies, Wil. And you DO matter, and we DO want to know what’s up with you.

    Thank you for saying it. Because, yeah, it reminds me that I’m not such a shitbag loserface, beating myself up for all the things I have yet to accomplish or follow up on, if I know that you’re feeling the same feelings of worthlessness. Neither of us is worthless. We’re just being lied to by our stupid, lying Depression.

    This, too, shall pass. Sooner would be preferable to later.

  49. Hey Wil, As a wise and good man once said: depression lies. Hang in there, bro. Here’s a song I wrote you helped inspire – Fight To Fight: https://soundcloud.com/si_jackson/fight-to-fight. (Hope you don’t mind I “borrowed” your line! 🙂 I get that feeling you expressed, too – most days, really. Hardly see the point, why bother? But if I just push a little harder, write one line, change a word (or even punctuation) then I get a little further than I was before. Fight on. Regards, Simon

  50. Last night, for the first time, my 12 year-old expressed a similar anxiety: having the intention of doing something and getting nothing done; feeling a sense of oppression and dread. I told him it’s a part of being human, and that when you do get something done, however small it might be, there’s a sense of achieving something. Small steps. I think you also need to step back and consider your own worth; in your case to a great many people, through the pleasure your creativity brings. If I’m feeling down I will stick on the Big Bang Theory box set (we caught the Brent Spiner episode only last night). It was a boost. You contributed to that. It isn’t trivial. With all the shit happening on Planet Earth right now, the capacity to bring joy is a rare and special quality. Thanks, Wil. I wish I could reciprocate…

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