this is stupid

Every day, I open up this editor.

Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.

Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.

And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.

I really really really hate this.

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409 thoughts on “this is stupid”

  1. You’re right! The only people who care are your idiot fanbois who lap ever moronic thing you write as if it’s God’s own truth (yes, idiot. Who ever heard of someone being a fan of the world’s worst actor who literally can’t act?) and us, the people who come here to laugh at your stupidity. And we outnumber the former group.

    1. Sooo…did you make sure to knock over a baby stroller and kick a puppy today, too? I feel sorry for people like you who exist only to hate and ridicule. What happened to you that made you this way? Whatever it was, I’m sorry it happened, and that you feel the need to be hateful and nasty to your fellow humans to try to alleviate your pain.

  2. The only thing that gets me out of phases like this is exercise. I am not a fit person but it really helps. Exercising after getting up and then living a little to be inspired, take Anne out to a place that is usually not your kind of thing just to try it, watch something you usually wouldn’t consider just to analize it – short version: try something new to be inspired. Routing for ya, thanks for sharing this!

  3. I don’t comment much. My world went to shit. I come check on you every day. I am glad you’re here, even if it’s to say you’re not sure if anyone actually cares. I do. hugs to you.

  4. I actually do enjoy reading what you blog. I may not agree but it’s refreshing to come across someone who is willing to perpetually put his money where his mouth is. Burnout/writer’s block can be a bitch sometimes, especially when the insidiousness known as life squashes the creative juices from time to time. Sometimes to mitigate the block, I will often go out on a walk around the neighborhood and let my mind empty out in the process while enjoy the scenery. More often than not, inspiration will hit me, whether for a story idea or a blogging idea. Maybe all you need is to simply step away and do something completely mindless for a while.

  5. Hey Wil, give yourself a break. It’s the end of the year and maybe you’re tired. You’ve done a lot of cool shit this year. Focus on Ann and the kids and Christmas. Recharge the batteries and come back stronger next year.

    And if that doesn’t work, hijack some of Hardwick’s ideas. That guy seems to be running at 100% all the time.

    And if that doesn’t work, get help from someone else. Maybe a health care professional. After all, even Superman needs the Justice League, and he’s freaking Superman!

  6. These things come and go in cycles. Smoother times will show up again, and this dry patch will come back sometime after, and so on. It isn’t a personal failure to be in a low spot anymore than needing sleep is a personal failure.

    You will get through this.

  7. I’ve had my least productive year in terms of amount written. And that’s after having written a damn novel. I know what caused mine and I am coming back to my writing slowly. I’m writing when that crazy urge grabs me & I write for 2hrs and only 3 mins seems to have passed in my world.

    Don’t sweat it, let writing happen on its own terms, or like me you’ll probably grow to despise it.

  8. It’s time to crowd source this thing! What would you (the readers) like Wil to comment on / write about? I’m sure there is one thing that will come up that will trip the creative juices!

    1. Wil: you are loved by so many, respected by so many people, you will be heard in whatever medium you choose. It doesn’t have to be a preconceived notion of creative, or entertaining. It’s when you speak from the heart, when you share your innermost thoughts, and vague ideas that you reach those who follow you.

      Don’t fret about having nothing to say, and don’t worry about saying nothing. On days like these sit with those who know you best, and know you are not alone.

  9. As someone who also struggles with depression, I understand. And also as someone who struggles with depression, I care. So I can’t speak for the hundreds of other people who undoubtedly care too, but I can speak for me. I check your blog every day, I read your Tweets, and I care.

  10. I’m sorry you feel that way – I wish I knew what to say that would help. But I can also say I love reading your work (be it blog, tweets or what ever). sending virtual hugs

  11. I wish I had something pithy to add or some amazing insight or advice to give. I don’t. All I can say is Thank you. Thank you for trying. Thank you for continuing. Thank you for sharing the struggle. Thank you for failing and still getting back up. Thank you for opening that editor every day. Thank you for being an inspiration when I have trouble picking myself back up. Thank you.

  13. Hey Wil,

    While it might feel like “none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.” I hope logically you know that’s not true and there are many of us that get so much from your writing, creativity and just general awesomeness.

    Not to be a backseat author or idea guy but if you don’t mind me tossing it out there I’d really love to read a childrens (or an adult in the form of a childrens) holiday story written by you – I think your imagination, and sense of humour could really match well to it. If you’ve already done this in the past and I missed it please link it up again.

    Keep being awesome and know that you’re not alone.

  14. Hey Wil,

    Sounds like the “inverse Seinfeld calendar trick” ; instead of feeling good about consecutive days of progress, you’re letting yesterday pressure today. Maybe you could ease some of that self imposed (you know you’re doing this to yourself, right?) by changing your goal. Instead of “write a blog post”, make it “write something” – doesn’t have to be something you plan to publish (but don’t throw it away) ;describe a person you know, describe something you see (maybe a giant freaking fire?), etc. I know, writing 101, still…

    Or maybe do something new/some other creative thing. Google “rtlsdr” and see all the crazy projects you can do – almost all of which tie in with your Raspberry Pi. Pick up a new programming skill… Or just chill – we’ll wait for your next post.

  15. Change is the spice of life. Time for a road trip for inspiration? Gather your muses and explore!

    1. BTW I am loving all the positive responses here. You have a good group of people here on your blog.

  16. You have produced great stuff this year: on Twitter, here, on Tumblr. I have really enjoyed your work, past and present, and I know this year would have been worse if you hadn’t been in it.

  17. But what you just wrote resonates with me. Its like living in bizzaro land. Don’t even care about my lice anymore.

  19. I come here everyday to see what may or may not be here. I am never disappointed in that I know deep down that if nothing has changed then there is something good coming down the pipe. I am always right. Although I do admit it is kind of difficult to keep the old chin up in the trying times that are these.

  20. Wil, earlier this year you wrote a blog post called Depression (still) lies. It’s become something that I go back to and read when I’m having a bad day (just like I am having today).

    Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take some of your own advice but I think if you went back to it you’d find some sage advice from a really great guy who champions the fight against Depression and Mental health issues.

  21. That’s a whole lot of hate and frustration aimed basically, at yourself. You might want to give yourself a break… This time of year has enough pressure as it is, don’t make it worse for yourself. You’re the one with the power here… You can decide to take it back a notch, NOT open editor for a while and just spend time with your family, a book, games… Try to just do stuff you enjoy for a while (Or stuff you would enjoy if depression wasn’t in the way. Sometimes just doing it makes a difference, however slight), and NOT put such a shitload of pressure on yourself. Who knows, you might find something to write about. Please… Be kind to yourself. Depression’s kicking you around, it doesn’t need you to do some extra kicking. Have a hot cup of something or other, maybe a cookie or two, maybe call a friend who knows what it feels like. Just, you know… If you had a friend who felt like this, would you yell at them and give them shit? Or would you go for a hug and some comforting words? Give yourself what you would give another. LOADS OF LOVE from the Netherlands, Jo

  22. It’s this year. It’s this stupid year. The year where the ugly, under-a-rock nastiness of certain elements of our society squirmed out and were somehow allowed to take the reins. It feels like progress has stopped and we’re all just the screaming passengers on a rail car careening to Hell.

    Anyone who’s prone to anxiety and/or depression (as you are & as I am) feels even more anxious and depressed than we otherwise might because “aw-fuck-it-there-is-nothing-good-in-this-world-anymore” feels like a universal truth, despite the fact that we can (usually) objectively note that it’s not true. There is still beauty, there is still love, there is still so much solace to be found.

    I am totally in this rail car with you. I am taking university classes and pride myself on my work ethic and motivation… except this past semester, when writing essays & showing up to class seemed to take more from me than I have (and a death in the family + a serious illness did not help at all). Writing an essay or participating in class is a struggle. I’ve got nothing to say, nothing that feels worth sharing in any form. We all just have to keep going, somehow. One foot in front of the other, creep and crawl, inch over and past this hellscape, and remind ourselves it won’t always be this way.

  23. Can you think of some small but significant event in your life that either pointed out how flawed we are as humans or that made you realize how wrong mainstream thinking is?
    Or maybe a funny dog story?

  24. You deserve some time off – we all do. Take a while and collect yourself. We’re all suffering from burnout, but we have each other’s backs. You take some time off, someone else will continue watching and commenting and resisting. Then they will need some time off and you can come back, refreshed and ready for battle.

    And, in all honesty, you don’t always have to post commentary on what a fecal tempest 45 and the GOP are. We (your followers) would ask that you post occasionally so that we know that you are okay, but you don’t owe us any particular sort of content whatsoever. You don’t even have to post at all – unless YOU want to. Post what you had for breakfast. Post a funny thing one of your pets did. Post whether you think pineapple belongs on pizza. Or post a picture of you collating papers.

    We’re in life together. We’re here for you. Take a deep breath and know that.

    Oh, and my 14 year old son finally sat down and watched Stand By Me with us a couple of weeks ago. It was wonderful to share that with him. Thank you for the way you poured yourself into that film and that character.

  25. Sir,
    I check this page every day looking for anything new. I hope you understand that we all care and respect what you do and who you are.

    Hang in there, brew another batch of beer, drink a beer or two, and just enjoy each day.

  26. Guess what? WE CARE. And sometimes the creative well is drained and just needs re-charging.
    Try a new outlet – try painting or collage. Any thing that is not writing.

  28. Depression is a LIAR and an ASSHOLE. Give yourself a break from writing and anything else that’s causing stress. Be lazy. Play games all day. After some time, come back to the writing. You are great at it and there are many of us who would be excited to read what you write.

  29. THIS is worth it. So many people encounter this, and think they’re the only one. You are so real. Don’t give up, we love your voice. It’ll come back to you!

  30. It’s OK. You don’t owe us your work. We love to see it, but you don’t owe us anything. We care about your well being and happiness, so if this isn’t making you happy right now, we are understanding.

    Don’t let the Gremlins, that lie to you, shout down the people who care about you.

  32. Doesn’t matter what you write. I’m interested in whatever you have to say, even if it’s a breakfast report, or stupid things the dog did today. Or “I saw a cloud that looked like a popsicle.”

    Just open up the editor stop caring WHAT words you write…. and just string some together.

    Words.

  33. Wil,

    You are valued, respected, looked up to more than you know, by so many people you have met, and so many more who’ve never had the privilege. And you have a rare gift for a famous person: most of us admire you more for the quality of your own character and the example you’ve set in terms of navigating this strange world of reality that we geeks find ourselves trapped in than for the flights of others’ fancies you’ve embodied on the screen. Not that Wesley, Chaos and even Evil Wil aren’t great, in their own ways, but actual Wil is so much more inspiring.

    I’ll give you an example: People have famously given you flak about Wesley Crusher (for the set where the value of people == the value of a**holes, but I digress). What so many seem to miss is that you put together hands-down the best young or non-mature character on any iteration of Star Trek. Charlie X, Trelaine, the kids from the planet where adults turn into zombies, etc. ad infinitum. The only two who came close where the actor who played Nog on DS:9 (who had the advantage of being a short adult in makeup instead of an actual teenager) and John DeLancie’s son playing Q’s son opposite John DeLancie playing Q, which was arguably a role he was literally born to play. You turned script lead into screen gold — don’t let anyone tell you differently.

    You inspire so many just by getting up every day and telling Depression to go f**k itself. Don’t sell that short, either.

    Remember:

    Depression lies.
    False starts may be great ideas that Depression is shitting on — let a few out so that non-depressed eyes can see them, you may be surprised.
    2.a. Heck, I’d love to read a short piece about half-finished story ideas that are grousing about their author not completing them, for instance.
    When your wife loves you, your kids love you, your dogs love you, and your readers and fans love you, and you don’t love yourself — majority might be onto something you’re currently overlooking.
    Depression lies.

  34. Hey, Wil. You are enough.

    I’m sorry you have to fight your own brain and I’m sorry you have to endure idiots.

    As someone else here said, the view is less desperate from outside the US, possibly because we have centuries more history to draw on. Things suck now but they will get better because there are so many good people, like you. You’re not alone in anything, Wil.

    I’ve struggled with academic writer’s block and an unexpected depression. Good company helped me, as did scheduling a day in my calendar to bask in happy things. On campus, in the office, listing all my successes and victories of the last few years on huge post-its (also listing the bad things, briefly, and throwing them in/near the recycling bin). It was hard and amazing and exactly what she said.

    Wanting to do something and not being able to feels terrible but it has zero effect on everything you have achieved so far. You are wonderful. You are enough.

    My phone keeps autocorrecting your name to Wiltshire.

  36. I’m sure you’ve long stopped reading the comments. I’m just here to bump up the counter one more time, so when you think to yourself “none of this matters,” you can look at the number and say “well, 308 people think it matters – and that’s not nothing!”

    Don’t let us pressure you. You do you. We’ll wait…

    (oh, and a big ol’ THANKS for everything you’ve done so far…)

    1. Perhaps it’s time to have a break; take some time out. Try something different, find something else that interests you and pursue it for a while. You can always come back later if you rediscover your enthusiasm.
      I believe that progress isn’t a linear thing, you develop by reinventing yourself.
      Don’t struggle to fight through this – just go round it.
      Good luck.

  38. Wil – I live in Toronto, Canada. A fan ever since Stand By Me (there were so many ways in which I identified with the boy Gordie). Just to let you know there are people who do care. I’ve read your postings here for years. I open the page every day, just to see if you’ve added a some new thoughts.

  39. Wil, I don’t really know how to reply to this; especially not any better than others here already have.

    I missed a day of work last week because my brain just wouldn’t let me; it was maybe the worst bout of anxiety I’ve experienced. I spent the morning in bed and the rest of the day (and following day) beating myself up for… something, everything. There was a number of times that your words and your openness towards mental health found their way through my haze to help me along, and for that I’m thankful.

    However, I don’t want you to think that this is all you’ve become – a spokesperson for mental health (although, even if that was it, you do it so well and it would be enough for most). My passion for modern tabletop gaming is a result of the contributions you’ve made to that community. Your writing here and on Twitter and tumblr – the funny bits, the human bits, the animal bits, the 140 character blasts, the images presented without commentary… it’s all a part of you that you choose to share with us, and for that I’m grateful.

    Creativity must first be fulfilling for yourself, and like any form of exercise or exertion, we need to rest from time to time; recover from our efforts and gather new inspiration. Unfortunately, we don’t often get to set this schedule, especially when our brain fails us, when it lies to us.

    Whatever it was that generated this message to us, know that it’s been heard. Have a good day today… and, if not a good day, have a good hour or two today, and then a few more good hours tomorrow. Take care, and thank-you.

  40. …and I quote:
    “But every morning, I get up, drink way too much coffee, and spend the next three or four hours doing what I love: I work on […], or I write something for my website, or something for […] . . . most of the stuff I write I don’t even publish. I just do it so I write every day . . . and it rules. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s utter crap, most of the time it’s just sort of there . . . but it’s mine, and when [people say that they love] my website, I felt like I could own the joy [their] comments [bring] me, because what you read here is really me. I’m not playing a character, or trying to make a shitty script into something worth watching . . . I’m creating images and recreating scenes from my life, without a director or a producer or a studio getting between what I want to create and what the audience gets to see.”

    Still true…?

  41. It’s not pointless or stupid Wil! You’ve brought a ton of joy to a ton of people. Empty spaces to stare at can be a real pain in the ass. You’ve inspired me over the last few years to try harder, to accomplish what I can, to not give up on every weird idea. I’ve been working on random stories and things for years and hardly ever finish anything. But maybe it’ll help to share with you this time? Here’s a blip from some writing I’ve been doing. I hope it inspires you somehow and gives you some positive energy! You’re an amazing dude and I hope I can give back some of the goodness you’ve shared.

    I hope somebody enjoys this!

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oPV6gjQAkz_gZZvnZSaxCZjxGI14s7vBcFUIdUsTGQs/edit?usp=sharing

  43. You matter. We care. Words don’t always cut it, and have a peculiar way of saying nothing when we have the most to say. And it often feels a crime to impose them onto an empty space their presence fails to improve. Take a break. Walk away from words. Distill them with silence. Think, feel, and reflect without them. Listen to instrumentals. Watch silent films. Immerse yourself in activities and mediums free of their tyranny. A little shift of time and distance is all that’s required for new perspective.

  45. Wil,

    I can’t tell you how to spend your time or measure the value of it. I can tell you that you have touched my life and I count that worthy of a comment. Thank you and God bless.

  46. “Well if I were You-Know-Who, I’d want you to feel cut off from everyone else; because if it’s just you alone, you’re not as much of a threat.” Luna was wise. Remember you are not alone, Wil. We are all in this together.

  47. We care. We love your words even if you think they’re garbage. We see you and we appreciate you. The world sucks, but your fans and friends still care because caring makes things suck a little less. <3

  48. Hey Wil,
    .
    Sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well man…

    I just wanted to send some love your way. I enjoy everything I’ve ever read or saw you in. I watch old seasons of Tabletop non-stop. Pretty sure I’ve seen ever episode from the first 3 seasons at least 5 times each ^_^ I loved Titansgrave and still have my fingers crossed for a second season eventually 😀 I’ve read Just A Geek over and over again because it’s so great to hear your stories. I’ve got your new novella on my Christmas list. I am little behind on your Radio Free Burrito, but I think that’s because I don’t wanna catch up; I know there is always more on backlog. I love hearing an episode I’ve never heard, even if it is from 4 years ago. Up until I started following you, I didn’t even know what the Internet Archive was (speaking of, what’s your tips for finding cool stuff on there? Especially music.) and I love the stuff you create using material from there. I have your Space Pirate Mixtape downloaded onto my phone and I listen to it all the time when I’m driving down the road or when I’m at work.

    You’ve brought a lot of joy to me over the years and I know from seeing comments over the internet that I’m not the only one. It’s ok to feel down. It’s ok to feel defeated sometimes. Just know that when you get back up, that there are people who love you and that look forward to your wonderful content, be it a podcast, blog post, or YouTube video.

    Never Give Up

  50. Add another voice to the “we’re here” chorus. I’ve been checking in a few times a week wondering whether you’d posted, and towards the end starting to fear exactly what you just wrote. Well, “fear” is too strong, but I was concerned. I understand the frustration of wanting to write but nothing coming out, but if it helps: we are not the boss of you, and while you love to give us stuff you are not /obliged/ to. Yes, there’s a shitstorm outside, and a literal firestorm not far away, but that’s not your circus and they aren’t your monkeys. It’s not your fault and it’s not your responsibility, no more than anyone else of us. Be gentle to yourself, dear Wil.

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