Every day, I open up this editor.
Every day, I sit here at my desk, and stare at the empty space.
Every day I struggle to find something to put into the empty space.
And every day, after hours of frustration and false starts that lead nowhere, I close it.
I hate this. I hate this so much. I used to get stuff done every day, even if it was only a few hundred words, but this whole fucking year I keep feeling like none of this matters and none of this is worth the effort and nobody cares and there’s just no reason to do any of it.
I really really really hate this.
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I hear you. There is so much in the world I wish I could change. Bullies, human trafficking, Trump and Neanderthal throwback followers are among the top. I have 3 college degrees and I am a member of Mensa but I work a dead end job where I don’t use my brain. Why because I have Aspergers. It is so difficult to be smart, really smart and not be taken seriously because I am odd and clumsy. And I have difficulty with verbal communicate. I see so much bad in this world and I can not do anything to fight against it
Don’t sweat the small shit Wil. There are many people, both in the cyber world and I’m sure in your physical world, that truly enjoy talking to you and reading what you have to say. For the haters, well, that’s some of the small shit not to sweat. I’ve followed you off and on and enjoyed your work for many years now and look forward to many more in the future. From one Will to another Wil, stay strong bud.
It isn’t stupid. Having trouble doesn’t mean we are less – it just means we’re having trouble.
I think what I’m flailing at saying is maybe be kind to yourself. This year wasn’t great. It was hard. It contained some good stuff, but it was hard. And that happens. It doesn’t mean that you’re not great, and it doesn’t mean that all the other stuff you have done/created/people you have helped/loved/etc… it doesn’t make any of that less great either, either.
You are still you. You are enough, just as you are. And if depression doesn’t believe that, well, it can take its ball and go home.
I’m just commenting to push the asshole responses further down the page. There’s no cause to be ugly, y’all. It’s mean-spirited and unnecessary.
Wil, I’m sorry you’re feeling off right now, but I hope you’re feeling better today.
I appreciate what you do and hope to see you keep doing it—on your own schedule and in a manner that works for you. You have hundreds of people here testifying that we’ll still be around when you’re back in your full creative form, so you go ahead and take care of yourself however you need to take care of yourself.
Hi Wil,
Everything you wrote in your post has been me this year too. I’ve been struggling with depression, masters thesis deadlines, hating clicking on my home page to see the news, feeling scared about the future, and just trying to make everything to come together and have it all be worth it.
Wil, I know I’m just some random person on the internet, but I care. I regularly check your twitter and blog. You have a great voice, great things to say, and planet Earth needs more humans like you. The things you have done and written have really impacted my life. I don’t think I could have pulled off my masters program if you hadn’t inspired me. I’ve always been a computer geek and enjoyed writing. Your book Just a Geek was a life changer for me. You were and are somebody I identify with. Because I identified with the things you had to say, I felt inspired to learn some HTML5, start a WordPress website, and code the first online thesis/YouTube sound archive my school has seen. My teacher plans on using it as an example for future students. I graduated with a 4.0 average, plan to keep the website going, and am looking to get a doctorate in eLearning because I love writing and making things on the internet (and believe in keeping it open source so everybody can learn something new). Your book was there for me at a time when I needed it. I was really down. I was in a rut. I hated the direction graduate school, and my life was going in. Something you and your efforts created–changed my life for the better 😊
I know what you are saying about writer’s block. I’ve experienced it with thesis deadlines. I spent hours this year with a blank word processor screen burning into my eyes. Sometimes I’ve written crap in Word or One Note to get started, and from there I’ll play with arranging my ideas. Sometimes the only thing you can do is write things that absolutely suck as a starting point.
Other times when I’ve been burnt out I’ve walked away. I’ve had to learn this past year it’s ok to walk away and not pressure myself to produce something if I just don’t have it in me that day. That’s when I game, go on a date, read a comic book, watch a movie, learn something new, have a short binge-watch session of something that makes me laugh (lately it’s been going to the Adult Swim website and watching Bob’s Burgers), sit with the animals, or sometimes doing something manual gets me out of my own headspace like belting out my 80s favorites while scrubbing the bathtub or doing dishes.
Wil don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You are an amazing person. It is ok for you to take a day or a few days and do things you love then come back to your writing. Go on a date with your wife, make time to game, hug your dogs, I think I remember that you had a post showing either an Arduino or Raspberry Pi, break it out and make something fun with it. Take some time to recharge and most of all be good to yourself. You deserve it! You are amazing!!!
Take Care,
~Candice
That’s life (that’s life) that’s what people say
You’re riding high in April
Shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune
When I’m back on top, back on top in June
THAT’S LIFE!
I care Wil, I really do. If you ever come to the Boston area look me up, come over my house and visit so we can discuss collaborating. You’re a shining star in my household and my kids were raised to love you. Just please don’t turn out to be some kind of psycho or something!
I know how you feel. I started this year out pissed off and fired up to hold Trump to task. I restarted my SpaceMonkey blog and had plans. But as with all good plans, life has crushed me this year. I got so wrapped up in the news and the three ring circus in DC, and burned out fast. I have not done shit this year except tru and spend time with my wife and kids. I started playing table top games with my 6 and 7 year old kids. And tried to not let politics get me too far down. Thank you for what you do. Both in your writing and in just being a good human being. You have rekindled my love for gaming and I am now sharing that with my wife and kids. We play X Wing and Munchkin and are always looking for more things to play.
I’ve been missing the blog. I like it when you talk about pop culture (film, games, whatever). This post, however, reads like a cry for help. I hope you get it.
I hear you Wil.
Sometimes getting out of bed to face the new day can seem pointless, or dreary, but I know my messed up brain chemistry is the cause of those feelings. I know my anxiety makes me feel stupid, or broken, or overly emotional.
It all matters, because I matter, and you matter. Even if it doesn’t feel that way lately.
You’ve lost your way creatively before, and always found your way back.
#butts Go and walk Seamus and Marlowe, and give yourself permission to take some time over this. We’ll all be waiting when you are ready.
I know the feeling.
If it helps, you know you’ve an audience. I personally find you both entertaining and inspiring, and would urge you not to let the bastards grind you down.
But as you well know, with so much pressure working against you from within and without, producing at all is a victory. This post is a victory, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
This sounds a lot like clinical depression. I highly recommend you find help if you haven’t already. I know many public figures who haves sought help and become advocates for the cause. Good luck on your further adventures.
I’m in bed debating killing myself. Wil, you inspire so many people and we all believe in you. Even when you don’t know it or feel it. You know everyone has rough patches. This year has been particularly hard on everyone. Step back and recharge.
I’m very sick and I’m so tired. And poor. And in debt. No retirement money. Job hopping all year. Getting fat and unable to work due to my health. No safety net. Met someone who lost four family members in the last year. If she can get through the day, I guess we can, too.
I am only alive because I promised a relative I wouldn’t kill myself. But you have Ann and the boys. You will be happy again.
Thank you! I’m feeling much better today. May look into bankruptcy.
Chin up chap, the good folk of Alabama have just elected a Merfolk to Senate, Doug Jones muddling aside hope the Cloud lifts soon
additional, my caffeine lacking noggin couldn’t quite place this great quote this morning ““Ah, I feel a sadness on me, Dane. That’s how the Irish people say it. In their language, you can’t say, “I am sad,” or “I am happy”. They understood what we English have long forgot. We’re not our sadness. We’re not our happiness or our pain but our language hypnotizes us and traps us in little labelled boxes.” – even if its just spun words from the Highlands Hedge mage Grant Morrison its kind of a neat angle
This year sucked. Fighting against apathy every day in the classroom….and losing. I’m glad you shared your pain with me. Mine is almost overwhelming. I read your stuff and I feel like your fight is my fight and that you fight for me when I don’t even know I should be fighting.
Is this stupid? Am I stupid? Is trying stupid? I don’t know, but tomorrow morning, I’m getting up and going to try to find out again.
My level of difficulty? I’m doing all this in Japan. Ganbatte!
A wise man once said “depression lies”. Sounds like it’s lying to you big time right now. Just know that there are many of us to whom it does matter. I love your posts, even when they are seemingly about nothing. But I also understand when you don’t post. It’s all good. 🙂
You probably already know this, but none the less.
You’re not stupid. You might be depressed but that does not change the facts. You have accomplished a lot. You have been able to reach many people. You probably have helped a lot of them without even knowing it or without them being able to tell you how much you have helped them.
The world is not a shitty place. It might look as if the world has been turned into a shitty place to be, but that is not the case. There is less hunger then before, less people dying in wars then before, more people enjoying a moderate life. Yes, for some the world has become worse, and we should feel sorry for them en help them. But on the average the world now is better then it has ever been before in history.
I’ve been feeling this with my own blog, too, but the thing that one of my readers pointed out is that it does matter. Everyone is writing about the big, important worldly topics right now and, frankly, the occasional break in my feed from all of that is quite welcome. Things like comedy and blog post matter, because those are the things that make up our culture – just as much as the news cycle does. So please remember that we turn to this blog for you – for your take on your world. And we do care. And we do love it.
We really, really love this.
Wil-
I may be the odd duck posting here because I know of you primarily from your writing here on this blog.
I have a lot of respect for you as someone who has the ability to express themselves through words with intelligence, humor and substance.
I love reading this blog. When you post some of your writing here, whatever the subject, I always find value in each of those moments in your journey of self-expression through art, and selfishly, I miss them when you don’t.
Art is therapeutic. It’s good for the soul. For the artist, and for audience.
Please, keep writing.
We care, keep going. I have a friend who has been working creatively for awhile now, and when he despairs much like you have here, I encourage him to keep going. For those like me – who want to create but can’t get anything down on paper. And for himself because even though it seems so fruitless at times – its an important part of you, and a part of you that the people who love you care about. So you can stall, but … keep going. It matters.
Wil, this is not stupid and I care. Stop staring into darkness.
Aaron Sorkin said at the Toronto film festival ‘writers block is not a condition that lasts forever, it only feels like it lasts forever’ . Don’t force it, don’t worry it will happen in between times see your friends,your wife and your kids THATS the important shit
Wil,
I have never post here but his post made it seem like you need the support. Take a step back, collect your thoughts, right your ship knowing that you can take that time because your family, friends and your fans will support you. We may have never met but I personally am a fan of Wil Wheaton, especially the blogger who posts here. He’s human like the rest of us, he’s relate-able and sheds light into many peoples lives even if he doesn’t know it.
So take your time as one poster said and we’ll be ready and waiting for your return.
Just remember, when the light of day pierces the omnipresent gloom and shines it’s light on the befouled masses, it still smells like shit at ground zero, but hey, things are looking up! Can you say – Al-Uh-Bam-Uh!!
A few questions that you may wish to ask yourself:
1: Why do I engage in this activity? Is it because it serves a valid purpose in my life, such as helping to grow/maintain my fan base, or restarting a flagging career (reinventing myself) by striking out in new creative directions, or fulfilling a genuine desire to express something from deep within myself that simply must be expressed? Am I seeking external validation, even though I know in my heart that all such external validation is shallow and ultimately meaningless? Is this activity an honest measure of my worth as a human being?
2: Is this activity helping or hindering my ability to not merely cope with my depression, but to address the underlying (non-chemical) issues behind it?
3: Am I spreading myself too thinly across too many platforms? Am I doing this to please others or to attempt to satisfy others’ expectations?
4: Do I have the will to explore other creative outlets? Do I have the stamina to take a writing class as a means of jump starting my creative process? Have I honestly considered exploring a totally new expressive direction (e.g., painting, sculpting, etc.) with no preconceived notions of failure?
5: What would it mean if I left this particular activity behind, if only for a little while? ) No lying depression-fueled answers allowed, such as “It would mean that I somehow failed… as a writer or as a human being?”)
6: Can I give myself permission to unplug? Am I a worthless person if I ignore the daily soap opera that is so-called current events? Can I find contentment within a smaller, yet infinitely more precious, circle (i.e., my family and honest, close friends)?
The only right answers are honest ones; the only wrong answers are those that will not withstand scrutiny through a non-depressive lens.
Thinking of you and sending courage, clarity, and love.
Watching you on TableTop, you feel like a friend, even though we’re strangers. I really struggle with depression, but since watching your show, my husband will testify that I’ve been a happier person! I told my husband my goal in life is now to become “famous enough” to be on Tabletop someday, lol.
You do you. You matter. You make a difference. Please don’t let the pressure of entertaining the world take over and have you burn out on something you once loved. If you hate it, then don’t do it! Ain’t nobody got time for that! If it’s a needed break, then take one. This is the only blog of yours I’ve read, and so I will just say thanks for being real.
Stay in there…keep your head pointed in the right direct. Your post about depression actually was the point where I went and got myself help, YOU DID THAT!! I’m now medicated, talking to someone and heading in the right direction. You are such an important role model to myself (I’m 33 years old and have 2 kids!!) and so many other people around the world.
I care and so do many other people. Be nice to yourself and just let the frustration go. type anything into that blank space. hang in there.
You’re creative. You’re inspiring. You’ll get where you want to be. I have seen you pull out of slumps before, so I know you can do it. I’m pulling for you!
I’m sorry you’re struggling. But this will pass (at least that’s what I tell myself when all I can do is lie in bed.) You and Jenny Lawson are heroes. You fight your own brain, but still manage to be creative, passionate, and funny. Hold on, sweetie. It will get better.
Love you. Hide in Anne’s embrace. No feeling stays the same forever. Hold on, beautiful one.
Dear Wil,
I am going through a really bad, stressful time of life at the moment. Anything that distracts me from my own troubles is a good thing. Two of those things are this blog, and tabletop. (Although tabletop does my head in sometimes – I like it when you win!)
Don’t worry about having little to post, it doesn’t matter.
Don’t worry about writer’s block, it will pass.
Hell, I tell you what – if I can make a request – how about a report on “my typical day”. I’ve always wondered what other peoples lives are actually like. They can’t be anything like mine!
Here’s what I do when I have writer’s block. Come up with a topic that you would have been given in school…say, “What I did this Summer” and then just start writing whatever flows out of your head. Sometimes that will jump start my brain. Another one I use is, pick something that you have to explain to someone who has never done it before, like, “How to make a peanut butter sandwich”. Then, write out the directions as specifically and detailed as you can. “Get the loaf of bread. Untwist the twist tie at the top of the bread. Open the bread packaging so that you can see the bread” etc, etc. Then, take what you’ve written and go into the kitchen and try it, like you’ve never done it before. If you’ve left something out (like not opening the peanut butter jar before you say “use a knife to get some peanut butter”) go back to your computer and add in the missing part. This exercise helps me to get the flow going again. In the end as writers, we’re just trying to relay our thoughts and emotions to people through the written word. You’ve just got to relax and jump start your brain.
Or, you could just smoke some pot…..
Wil, I know I’m some random guy on the internet you don’t know but I just felt I needed to say. Hang in there, There are many of us out there that do enjoy reading your blogs and enjoy listening to your Radio Free Burritos and are struggling and depressed and feeling like this world is turning into one giant shit sandwich. Just, hang in there Wil. Its going to to get better, shit, it has to, man…
Dear Wil, you are such an inspiration for many of us, and even at your weakest, you still give us strength. Chin up, everything will work out eventually, and soon you’ll be reading these posts with disbelief about how you had to struggle in the past, but not anymore. Your work has given us such joy, that I refuse to believe that faith has nothing wonderful in store for you.
And just a small note, you’re one of the three narrators that motivated me to create my “read the book for the narrator” shelf on goodreads. Should you read the phone book, I’d listen to it (please don’t though, there are so many other works that could be transformed by your magical touch). So please know that there are many, many people who love your work and respect you very much after getting to know you through your posts. There’s not much that we can do, practically speaking, but we can still send you lots of positive vibes and our love.
There aren’t any words I can add that haven’t already been said. So I will just add my voice to the chorus of “we’re here”, the empathizers and the sympathizers. This has been a difficult year. ❤️
I’m glad you’re here.
Hey there. I’m late to the party but wanted to throw in my “hang in there.”
Been a hell of a year, eh? For most of us. You’re very much not alone on that one. <3
Happy to see the update after this. Good for you for taking care of you.
Hey Wil –
Thanks for all you do. While I have got a lot personally out of your work for a long time, I wanted to let you know a little moment that happened recently (well, a few months ago now, I guess).
Every year, our extended family tries to arrange overlapping summer vacations back home in Eastern Canada, and a big part of these fun, chaotic times has involved me and my siblings trying to engage everyone in games (we are all grown, so there are many spouses, partners, friends, kids, even a few grandkids). It has become such an integral part of our vacation that I spend serious time over the year looking for new things to add to the mix; Geek and Sundry, Tabletop, etc. have been a godsend.
This year, after finishing a game of Betrayal at House on the Hill and needing a break, me and three of my siblings grabbed a drink and sat down to chat. And it was then we looked around, and realized that LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE in the house (a couple dozen kids, grandkids, spouses, etc.) was playing different tabletop games. And we had to toast to that, thinking that ‘our work here was done’.
So when I think it likely that these games will be part of future generations of our family, that thought makes me tremendously happy (and a little emotional). And since you and your work have been an important inspiration for that, I wanted to reach out.
Thanks, Wil.
Jamie
Hi Wil,
Just stopping in (late) to say that I get it. The world has been such an epic mess of suck this past year that I think we’re all suffering from an inability to see/act/create/write our way through it. Here’s hoping you have better luck than I’ve had. And also that when you reach the end of your rope, you can tie a knot in it and hang on. <3
Hi Will, you have given many people so much pleasure. I hope you regain that spark.
How about changing the medium like using pen and paper or trying to use something like a mindmap to visualize ideas and thoughts.
😔 I don’t have any new words to contribute . . .
You’re not alone. After an accident last year, I had to take a lot of time away from my blog in order to be able to write again. I’m just now starting that process and it can be painful. However, the time away gave me the opportunity to really contemplate some big picture thoughts. I promise you, it will get better. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.
Wil, you’re a good man. You’re a good writer. You’re a good actor. You’re a good blogger. You’re a person who cares about people, for whom the golden rule is “Don’t be a dick” – a decent person. People care about you. I care. I suffer from depression too & I know how crushingly bad it can get. I hope you feel better soon.
Hrmm. I may understand because me thinks I sometimes find myself there. I often find my way out but sometimes it takes longer. You’re more productive than me as I don’t maintain my leisure writing focus for a year stretch. I try and hope one day I can maintain my progress that long but seems unattainable because my software isn’t optimally arranged to support my wishes. If you’re really depressed don’t click this unless you want a litmus test but good luck anyway… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4
Hi Wil, This year has been a rough one for many. .. I think creative minds in particular. I have been changing my meds with my brain doctor as well and slowly working my way out of the thick fog surrounding my head. It’s hard not to beat yourself up when you find you can’t muster up the energy or even a spark of Drive for the things you love doing. Don’t beat yourself up; keep taking it one day at a time and before you know it the fog starts lifting and the neurons are firing here and there… you might even smile. Hang in there!
I’m pretty sure you won’t remember me. You once gave me advice before I turned thirty. I headed it. I felt good that I did. My own father never gave me such advice. You did. You didn’t know me but you helped. I’ve been feeling the same way with this year. I suffer from anxiety and I reinjured my arm. Running is difficult. Extremely difficult now that part of me fears the upcoming Los Angeles Marathon. And again I hear your words, digital now, but still letting me know it will be okay.
And now it’s my turn. You are an amazing writer. Your fans here know it. We know you are creative and will return to those great heights. So embrace the stupidity of words not coming. They will. And when they come it’ll be a damn good flood brother.
Peace
Rene Rodriguez
I feel you, I hear you. It’s hard to get the good gears going with so much crap going on around us. Me, I’ve found some rejuvenation in addingbto my creative process with new things – mixing media forms I’d worked in separately and even picking up new things altogether. I’m glad you’re hanging in there and not giving up. The ebb and flow will flow again.
Wil, I know how you feel. I’ve been trying to write a story I wanna submit, but I just cannot write. Been through a lot this year, faults were made by me, and I’m still expercing the fallout due to what has happened. My mind just doesn’t let me do what I want, and it bothers me every day that as they go by, I’m getting older and I still haven’t done anything.
Basically, what I am trying to say is: you’re not alone.
Its a difficult feat to go through it, for the ones of us who are lucky enough to have a partner its even worse to have to explain depression without coming off as weak or lazy or self deprecating. Ive learned that no matter the amount of successes ive earned in life, it is the fact that i either lack meaning in my life or that i am holding onto something painful from my past that i continue to fall back into depressions grasp. Youre lucky to have people behind you, although unless those people truely understand you its possible its just like trying to please an audience. I can definitely say that, take comfort in your own ability to shock yourself and you will always be able to at least get through the rough patches.