i got better

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and empathy about my damn panic attacks. It really means a lot to me, and it makes me feel like less of a weird alien who is doing his best human impression.

Since I shared my shitty night terror experiences, things have gotten significantly better. A lot of you recommended looking into CBD, and because California is a state that ended cannabis prohibition (get with the program, rest of America), I was able to talk with my doctor about using it for my anxiety and insomnia. He recommended that I give it a try, and it’s made all the difference for me. I put a dropperful of this tincture under my tongue every morning, and … it just works. I don’t feel intoxicated or weird or anything. I just feel calm and not anxious. In just four days, I went from having nightmares every night, waking up every couple of hours with a panic attack, and living every waking moment surrounded by a swarm of anxiety bees, to sleeping soundly and all the way through the night, and feeling like a regular person who isn’t terrified and worried and afraid all the time. It really is a miracle, and it’s going to be a significant challenge for me to not become one of those obnoxious evangelists about it. Blaze it bro you can make rope out of it man!

Because I was able to get the constant fear and anxiety under control, I was able to look back on things as objectively as possible, and see what the triggers for the latest round of Mental Health Funtimes were. I’m not ready to share those publicly, but I am fairly certain that the CBD got my shit under control enough to allow me the insights I needed, and I was able to confront what was causing the fear and anxiety that was controlling me. I’m not sure that I’m like 100% back to normal (for my personal values of normal) but I feel like a person again. In fact, I told Anne that I felt so good day before yesterday, I wasn’t sure if it was genuinely feeling great, or if it was just the absence of that terrible anxiety and worry that had been engulfing me. I guess the end result is what really matters, and the end result has been really good.

Part of that end result? Oh, let me show you the most recent entry in my daily writing word count blog thing:

840 words (70782 total) on the rewrite of All We Ever Wanted Was Everything.

And that is a completed first rewrite. I thought for sure I would have to do massive rewriting in the last 10K words, because I wrote them all in a single day, but they really (surprisingly) hold up!

I’m going to send my manuscript to a few close, trusted friends for feedback, so I can get fresh eyes and perspectives on the story. Once I have that information, I’ll be able to do a second rewrite, and then I think it’ll be time to give it to my editor and start making plans to publish it.

You guys. I totally finished the rewrite! It felt so good and so rewarding. And the coolest thing, ever, is that I don’t worry that it’s terrible. I worry that it isn’t long enough. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID HEYOOO.

I’m sharing it with some early readers, and when they get their feedback to me, I’ll do another pass based on what they tell me. Then it goes to my editor for the Red Pen of Doom.

I haven’t decided if I’m going to shop it, yet. I think that it’s a solid story that readers will relate to, so I think it’ll be a reasonably easy pitch, but after the less than awesome experience I had with Just A Geek, I am very concerned that I won’t find the right publisher for it.

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139 thoughts on “i got better”

  1. Mr. Will Wheaton with your awesome self. How brave. I sobbed through the entire content of your story because I had spent a sleepless night last night writing a story that seems to mirror so many topics you addressed. I have had a small and nagging internal voice screaming at me to use my voice to be the bridge that others need to learn to live a stable life and offer support and awareness to the large majority of ignorant people to become compassionate and aware of others. My voice can only reach so many people with help but I’m up for a challenge. Not for recognition or any sort of pat on the back. But the lack of knowledge that people have about these issues, and their shock and awe of people ending their life and not understanding the situation when you could clearly look at pictures of Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain as well and the deep sadness flowing from their eyes and body language. How do I know or see this? Cause it’s a familiar expression that I see fairly often when I am able to tolerate looking at myself in the mirror. Would you take on a challenge from a person that lacks fame but is well versed in matters of the battles we have to unwillingly fight every day with no help or weapons. And the war we fight doesn’t stop when the enemy has been defeated. In fact, the enemy sits in the closet doing pushups waiting for our moments of vunerability and sneaks up without warning. Take this challenge with me. Help me in any way, big or small. I want to start a movement of awareness to help people. Whether it’s the patient or the family or the public. Help me to start something that will help others to learn any and everything they can to make a move forward to mend their lives. Find the necessary resources to help those suffering. Maybe a Nonprofit. I’m not reaching out to you for a dollar. I’m reaching out to you because you can reach a platform that I am not able to. Your fame can get a bigger audience and my experience with mental illness can reach the every day joe. I am 40 years old but feel that we can still reach the youth of today to start a movement of awareness. We can affect the young generation to learn how to show compassion and how to rid themselves of this ongoing selfish attitude that helping others is an inconvenience and offers no benefit. Help me how to teach others how they can make changes that will help the generations to come. We need change so let’s make it happen. So partner up with me and let’s change lives one at a time. If you accept my challenge please reach me at [email protected]

  2. I had a panic attack that lasted 11 days once, and I’m surprised I made it out of that alive. Guess what it was that finally helped? Yep, CBD.

    Glad you’re okay <3

  3. This is amazing news! If you could kindly tell Australia to get with the program re: medical benefits of cannabis that would be great 😉

    Also just for anyone who stumbles across this – when you do find something wonderful that alleviates symptoms and allows for some insight into yourself and what might be contributing negatively to your mental health, don’t forget to support that success with other beneficial controls. It’s the perfect time to start eating well, get into an exercise routine that accommodates your condition, and work with your mental health support team to set up strong foundations for good habits. Not only will this support your current recovery, it will also set you up for continued success in the future! 💕

  4. Hi Wil. We met at Phoenix Comic Fest 2018 & briefly discussed CBD, (we gave you the steel Star Trek sign).

    I haven’t been able to locate the links in your blog that we discussed for researching & purchasing CBD.

    Would you mind terribly reposting the links or sending me a link to where the links are?

    I appreciate your time. Thank you. 🙂

    1. I didn’t offer any links, but I’d recommend searching at leafly.com, and even weedmaps.com, because they both have resources and FAQs that are useful.

      1. Thank you so much! With everything going on, I lost the piece of paper that I wrote them on. I appreciate it! 🙂

  5. This blog entry changed my life.
    My husband has had a medical card for years. I cannot stand pot. It makes me feel funny and paranoid and overall unwell. He bought me a CBD oil product over a year ago for my menstrual cramps and anxiety that I refused to use because of my fear of pot.
    I have a very good friend at work that has similar anxiety issues as myself and she was telling me how she had found this CBD oil tincture that made her feel normal.
    I called shenanigans because we never feel normal. We are always a bunch of balled up anxiety and self loathing.
    The next morning I read your blog entry and said: “fuck it.”
    I headed into the kitchen, found the CBD Tincture and put it under my tongue for a few seconds.
    I didn’t know what to expect so I made myself breakfast. 20 minutes in, I felt amazing. Like I hadn’t felt in years!! I felt like I could go socialize for days and I have a crippling social anxiety.
    I have used it ever since and I can’t even imagine how it would feel to NOT feel normal now. CBD oil is amazing and I thank you for bringing it to my attention to help my crazy.
    <3

  6. Well that will teach me to read posts in chronological order and respond without perusing future posts. 🙂 Good to see you found a solution!

  7. I know it’s been almost a month since you wrote this but it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I’m happy to read your anxiety it better. You mentioned the plane example. I’m going on a plane to a con this Friday and I’m already freaking out . I do this a lot before any event . I always want so badly to go , and I make the plans , but then when the time gets near , I start freaking out . I’ve only flown a couple of times and I survived but here we go again . I wish CBD was available here. I’ve been on Xanax for 15 years and it doesn’t help like it used to . It still helps my mind shut down so I can sleep but for events like going out of town and on a plane , Xanax won’t touch that.
    I wish the rest of the world would legalize this 😦

  10. Wil, I have nerve pain and spasms that jolt me awake – it’s like being pushed off a cliff and I wake with a scream. That gives me anxiety and a great deal of fatigue so I could empathize with your story. Unfortunately I live in a stupid state and have to wait until Sept or later for CBD. I’m getting by with melatonin and aromatherapy for the time being.

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