i got better

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and empathy about my damn panic attacks. It really means a lot to me, and it makes me feel like less of a weird alien who is doing his best human impression.

Since I shared my shitty night terror experiences, things have gotten significantly better. A lot of you recommended looking into CBD, and because California is a state that ended cannabis prohibition (get with the program, rest of America), I was able to talk with my doctor about using it for my anxiety and insomnia. He recommended that I give it a try, and it’s made all the difference for me. I put a dropperful of this tincture under my tongue every morning, and … it just works. I don’t feel intoxicated or weird or anything. I just feel calm and not anxious. In just four days, I went from having nightmares every night, waking up every couple of hours with a panic attack, and living every waking moment surrounded by a swarm of anxiety bees, to sleeping soundly and all the way through the night, and feeling like a regular person who isn’t terrified and worried and afraid all the time. It really is a miracle, and it’s going to be a significant challenge for me to not become one of those obnoxious evangelists about it. Blaze it bro you can make rope out of it man!

Because I was able to get the constant fear and anxiety under control, I was able to look back on things as objectively as possible, and see what the triggers for the latest round of Mental Health Funtimes were. I’m not ready to share those publicly, but I am fairly certain that the CBD got my shit under control enough to allow me the insights I needed, and I was able to confront what was causing the fear and anxiety that was controlling me. I’m not sure that I’m like 100% back to normal (for my personal values of normal) but I feel like a person again. In fact, I told Anne that I felt so good day before yesterday, I wasn’t sure if it was genuinely feeling great, or if it was just the absence of that terrible anxiety and worry that had been engulfing me. I guess the end result is what really matters, and the end result has been really good.

Part of that end result? Oh, let me show you the most recent entry in my daily writing word count blog thing:

840 words (70782 total) on the rewrite of All We Ever Wanted Was Everything.

And that is a completed first rewrite. I thought for sure I would have to do massive rewriting in the last 10K words, because I wrote them all in a single day, but they really (surprisingly) hold up!

I’m going to send my manuscript to a few close, trusted friends for feedback, so I can get fresh eyes and perspectives on the story. Once I have that information, I’ll be able to do a second rewrite, and then I think it’ll be time to give it to my editor and start making plans to publish it.

You guys. I totally finished the rewrite! It felt so good and so rewarding. And the coolest thing, ever, is that I don’t worry that it’s terrible. I worry that it isn’t long enough. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID HEYOOO.

I’m sharing it with some early readers, and when they get their feedback to me, I’ll do another pass based on what they tell me. Then it goes to my editor for the Red Pen of Doom.

I haven’t decided if I’m going to shop it, yet. I think that it’s a solid story that readers will relate to, so I think it’ll be a reasonably easy pitch, but after the less than awesome experience I had with Just A Geek, I am very concerned that I won’t find the right publisher for it.

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139 thoughts on “i got better”

  1. Awesome to hear on both the writing and anxiety fronts! I wonder if CBD would help with my anxiety with flying or it’s that’s simply too acute?

  2. Hooray for you! I’m so glad you found some relief from The Awfuls. Looking forward to reading what you’ve written! fingers crossed

  3. Thank you for being honest about trying CBD. I’m dealing with anxiety as well as delusion-like symptoms around a certain time of the month, and I’m about to ask my doctor if CBD might be worth a try. I don’t know that it’ll go over well with him, but IDK what else to try and given the nature of the latter symptoms, any solution is looking better than none at all (which is what we tried to go with this past month).

  5. I am SO happy to hear that Wil! I had my own massive anxiety attack last night and have also been having the WORST problems sleeping. Unfortunately, NC has not gotten the memo about the benefits of CBD….but hopefully soon! I would definitely be willing to try anything at this point to ease the anxiety nightmare.

      1. I don’t know, I kind of like woo hop. It’s like you’re doing a specific sort of happy dance, and it’s called the woo hop. 😉

  8. This is so great! Thanks for letting us know that there has been some good things happening. I appreciate that positive injection as a follower and fan.

  9. I’m so glad CBD is helping. We aren’t allowed the cannabis version here in SC… but I’ve been told the hemp version (more industrial strain) of CBD can be found and some say it works. I may try it.

    1. Try Plus CBD Oil. You can get it on the internet. That’s what I started with. It’s not as good, BUT it’s still pretty good.

  10. So good to hear you tried something and it has helped! More power to your (writer’s) elbow and also to your mind’s elbow if, err, the mind can have an elbow 😉

  11. It means so much that you share your struggle, we get it, we can’t fix it, but it does make us feel better to remind you that you are not alone

  13. If CBD was legal in this country, it would put Big Pharma out of business (though I think I would like to see that, seeing how they take advantage of people’s disadvantage with their pills for literally EVERYTHING!) It works, and the best thing is, NO ONE has ever overdosed on it in the whole entire history of the mankind! Yet, we keep it illegal, and marked as a narcotic (I still don’t get that one!) I am happy for you that you are getting relief from your anxiety Wil!

  14. I’m glad to hear that straight CBD is helping. The nice thing about it is that it’s non-psychoactive, so you don’t have to worry about a high. I know a number of people here in Colorado who use CBD oils and tinctures to help with their physical pain and anxiety issues. Kudos to you for being open to it, considering your lifelong stance regarding marijuana.

    Oh, also … why give your new book to any traditional publisher? You have your own distribution and marketing channel built into your fanbase. Why not self-publish it in trade paperback and ebook formats, promote it via your existing channels, and get 70% of your sales, rather than 15% (or whatever.) If you were less well-known, I could see the benefits to a traditional publisher’s marketing, but you’ve seen how that works already. (I know you’ve self-pubbed before too, but it’s a fast changing landscape, and it’s been a while.)

  15. I don’t know if you’re using the straight CBD or not, but if you’re getting a mixture, take note and be careful about how much Sativa and/or Indica is in the tincture. The CBD with a trace of Indica works perfectly for me. The CBD with a trace of Sativa knocks me on my butt, and not in a good way. I’m amazed at how much better I am taking the CBD now, and not just with anxiety, but my arthritis and onset COPD. I’m completely off the oxygen now. I’m glad it’s working for you!

  16. CBD helped me get off of Lexapro, which I couldn’t, despite several attempts. I feel like the Lexapro saved my life, but the CBD saved me from Lexapro.

  17. That’s wonderful news! I am so pleased you found something that helped you, and so quickly too.

    (Will it be flippant if I ask whether a witch turned you into a newt?)

    Ruth

  18. hey man, whatever works. Glad you are feeling better. Life is too short to spend it feeling awful when you don’t have to. Can’t wait to see what you have been working on. And I’d just like to say I’ve been listening to the audiobook of Ready Player One this week and absolutely loved it. The part that references you is pure gold when read from your lips. In fact, we enjoyed it all as a family with my kids and husband, with us explaining to them what several of the 80’s references were about. It was a great family experience and you helped make it happen. So, thank you, and best wishes that you continue in good health.

  19. Mazel Tov! Brains are weird, and awfully ill mannered at times. Wishing you continued success on your journey!

  22. Wil, I am so glad you tried CBD and that it seems to work for you! I didn’t suggest it to you because I know you guys are anti-drug, but CBD isn’t the part of the plant that gets you high. I hope more states realize this and maybe someday the federal government too. I also use it as a topical for the arthritis in my thumbs and elbow.

    1. I was obnoxiously, ignorantly, virulently anti-drug when I was a kid. I was a product of the DARE era, and I lost one of my closest friends to heroin and cocaine, so I always believed that all drugs were the same. That’s wrong, it’s harmful, it’s ignorant, and I wish I had learned more truthful and scientifically-supported information when I was younger. I wonder how much CBD or even medical cannabis would have helped me when I was in my 30s, and like my ignorance about mental health in my teens and twenties, I think I suffered needlessly as a result.

      I’m 100% anti-prohibition for cannabis, and based on my very limited experience with it, I have yet to see a good reason that it should be criminalized while opiates are killing people every day.

  24. That’s great man!! I think I’m on the money in saying that I’ll buy it because I can make a positive impact on your life, read a great story and not actually bother you directly. Keep on rocking man, Troy.

  25. I keep hearing about the CBD Oil and I’m now tempted to give it a try based on your experience. I have an Rx for Ativan to use as needed but I’d much rather use something that won’t make me high or cause issues if I decide to stop using it. Do you feel comfortable sharing the brand/type you used?

    1. I would like to know the type/name as well for my daughter. Thanks!

    2. I bought a bottle of cannabis tincture called WELLNESS from a company called Treat Well. It’s literally just one dropperful under my tongue in the morning, and maybe one more in the evening, if I feel like I need it. Talk to a doctor to know exactly what will work best for you, or if it’s even right for you, because I’m not a doctor and I’m not qualified to give medical advice.

  26. So glad this has worked for you Wil. It broke my heart to hear you were struggling. You’re an inspiration to many. Congratulations on feeling better.

  27. that is wonderful news! I am so glad that you were able to see the causes of the panic attacks so that you can work on them. That is definitely a gift. I am glad you’re feeling better!

    If you don’t mind, Would you share the style or name brand of the CBD oil? My adult daughter also has severe anxiety and sleep issues that her medication doesn’t always address very well and this sounds like this may help her somewhat.

    1. I bought a bottle of cannabis tincture called WELLNESS from a company called Treat Well. It’s literally just one dropperful under my tongue in the morning, and maybe one more in the evening, if I feel like I need it. Talk to a doctor to know exactly what will work best for your daughter, or if it’s even right for her, because I’m not a doctor and I’m not qualified to give medical advice.

  31. I totally feel you on wishing the rest of America would get with the damn program. Like you, I have severe anxiety and depression and I believe CBD oil would work for me. And although I can buy it on Amazon, I don’t feel comfortable ACTUALLY doing so because it’s still illegal here. Boo.

    I hope “All We Wanted Was Everything” gets published. I’d love to read it. 🙂

  32. So glad that you are doing better Wil, and I can’t wait for you to keep pushing through on the novel!

  34. We are with you Will. I cannot count how many times anxiety and panic attacks just ruined me and I would just go for days wondering when the next one might come. I’ve started experimenting with CBD as well, and it works.

  35. So Happy for you Will. As someone who suffers from acute anxiety and insomnia, I have tried a lot of different stuff. I do not have access to CBD in my country, and since I do not want to be drugged all the time, I am always looking for more natural alternatives. Until I have CBD available in my country, I’ll keep using my essential oils (my latest natural attempt) that have lighten up the burden a little bit for me.

    Hoping to read your new book soon.
    K&H and wishes of a start to a full recovery, from a fan of your work (books, tv and Tabletop!)

  39. I’m glad you were able to find a solution to your anxiety problem. It sounds to me as if there were some chemistry issues involved for which science does not yet have a full answer. Time will tell, though. As to your book project, have you considered self-publishing via Amazon or Lulu Press? I published an eBook about sourdough breadmaking using a bread machine several years ago, and it worked out well for me. As a matter of fact, I’m still getting royalties (small ones, to be sure) from both of them. Your project, of course, is quite different, but, as one of your other readers has pointed out, the self-publishing industry has made many changes over the past few years, many of which could prove to be very beneficial for you. Take your time, do some online research, and then make up your mind! Take care!

  40. I’m so glad you found a solution that works for you. I’m impressed with two things. First that a small amount of liquid will work all day and let you sleep at night. I wondered if you would have to smoke or whatever before bed. The second thing I’m impressed with is that you went the purified medical route and decided not to smoke it. Sorry to all you recreational or medical pot users out there who smoke it but I hate the smell and I feel at times I’m surrounded by it since you can smoke it out in the open now in Ontario and I don’t know if Ontario has matured into other options. Oh and a third thing I guess, I’m impressed that your doctor was open to you using CBD.

  41. I’m so glad you’re doing better and you’re done with first draft rewrites! waves pompoms and waves a banner saying ‘WE KNEW YOU COULD DO IT AND YOU DID”

  42. So glad to hear you’re out of the fog! I’ve been having a doozy of a time the last two weeks, not to the extent of night terrors, but sucky enough. I have a bottle of CBD (Yay, Oregon!) sitting in my cupboard at home but I’ve been afraid to try it. I think I’ll give it a go, thanks to your testimonial. Great job on the book rewrite. I hope you do shop it around, for the simple reason that I want to buy and read it!

  43. Thanks for sharing your struggles. It helped me stop procrastinating and make an appointment for my 16 yo son who is on the spectrum and also suffers from anxiety. I hate seeing him suffer and high school is especially difficult. He had his first appointment today with a therapist and just talking about it helped.

  46. It could be what’s in it. First, CBD by itself doesn’t have the THC that makes you stoned, so you’d probably be fine with that. Get the hemp oil version, if you want to try it out without worrying about legality or any side effects (unless you’re allergic to hemp.) I’ve been told from a number of sources, it’s not as effective as the kind with a trace of THC, and I have personally found that to be true (your results may vary.) I found out the hard way that certain strains used in the tincture (I quit smoking 17 years ago, I’m not about to start again!) make me feel TERRIBLE. I was smart, because I knew even sinus medicine makes me feel like crap, and only took it just before I went to bed, but even lying down, I felt terrible. So, I went in and talked to my favorite dispensary guy, and he said he had the same problem. Apparently, sativa will UP your anxiety levels, if you already suffer from anxiety. The tincture I use has trace amounts of indica, and I’m fine with that. They really, really need to do more testing and, obviously, it’s not for everyone. It’s worth it to talk it over with your doc, and the talk it over with dispensary staff. I get the best information there.

    Okay, so having said all that, I had some CBD-from-hemp capsules, and it was working so well for me, I let my dog have one for HER arthritis (they do sell it for dogs, but at a premium.) It works GREAT.

  47. Yasss! CBD is my best friend. I use it to control my fibro symptoms. So glad you’re doing well!

  48. Thank you. I too live in a free state (Colorado) and have been on the fence about trying CBD for anxiety and chronic pain. I am encouraged by your success and wish you continued better health.

  49. So happy to hear that the anxiety bees have flown off. Would Ann be adverse to giving you a hug from all of us?

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