I’m having a bad mental health day.
Well, I’ve been having a string of bad mental health days.
Ten weeks or so, it seems, and every day is a battle just to get up and face it.
I’m paralyzed by a fear of failure, and that fear is stopping me from creating anything that matters.
Hell, it’s preventing me from creating anything at all.
So I gave myself an exercise today, to see if I can help move this ship that’s been trapped in ice.
I had a simple idea, and I gave myself permission to just spit it out without thinking too much. I decided to write in a style that I don’t normally use, just to crack the ice a little bit.
And because I’m so afraid of failure, I gave myself permission to share this unvarnished, unpolished, trapped-in-ice bunch of words that spilled out of my head.
The monster lives under the bed. It sleeps among the dust bunnies, wraps itself around the box of sweaters, stretches its legs between toys.
It keeps the lost socks. Lost things are desired to be found and that need sustains the monster when the children are not in their beds.
The children know the monster is there, as all children do, having felt its presence in the dark of night. Their parents don’t believe in monsters, as no parents do, having forgotten the truths they knew when they were children.
What the children and the parents don’t know is that the monster under the bed does not threaten on the children.
It protects them. From the other monsters.
The monster in the closet.
The monster who taps at the window when the wind blows.
The monster who lurks in the hallway, just outside the bedroom door.
The monster who stands in the room when the children hide beneath the covers.
The monster who lives under the bed waits for them to come calling. The monster who lives under the bed waits for them to tap on the window or scratch on the walls or creak the closet door open. The monster who lives under the bed waits and when the children are in danger, it reaches out with an impossibly long arm, covered with fur and scales and blisters and oozing pustules. It reaches out and opens a claw, snaps it closed on the neck of the monster who lives in the closet, crushes the life out of the monster who taps on the window, flays the skin off the monster who lurks in the hallway. When the children hide beneath the covers, it breaks the neck of the monster who stands in the dark bedroom.
It protects the children, as it protected their parents, as it will protect the children’s children long after they have grown into parents and forgotten it or any of the other monsters existed.
It protects them
and it waits.
It waits for all the other monsters to be driven out, so that it may uncoil itself, stretch itself out, creep into the bedroom
and feed.
Fifteen or so minutes, 352 words, a few images, an unexpected ending. Something where there wasn’t something before. Something unpolished and raw and imperfect. Something published for the sake a making a thing that isn’t perfect. Okay.
Maybe this will crack the ice, or at least sweep away a few snowdrifts.
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That’s great, Wil! You made my day 🙂
I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. I was hoping your quitting Twitter was going to do you a world of good. I know you don’t post much but I’d like to hear about how you’re doing if you’re up for a Radio Free Burrito podcast. I think a lot of your fans have missed your online presence as well. I hope things get better for you soon.
You definitely got me with the twist at the end. I’m so glad you shared this!
Today I had my first visit with a psychiatrist. Your courage and bravery to be so open about your struggles has a lot to do with me finally getting diagnosed and starting to get better. Just want to say thanks.
I now wonder if there is a monster under my bed. been scared of leaving my bed recently. Maybe it’s the only place I’ve felt safe. I wonder though, just what this monster feeds on, after protecting it’s prey so dearly. Does it feed on fear
ITS A LIVING CEMETERY THE MONSTER S ARE REAL .LANDRU
Thought you’d been a bit quiet lately. Sending a hug or two.
FWIW, you have succeeded in bumping that ‘failure thing’ out the door. You posted. And you wrote something new and raw and unpolished.
Good Job, Wheaton!
You are so brave. I can’t imagine sharing any personal writing with anyone. It was a joy to read and brought me back to childhood terrors and in a good way. Keep at it, you are very talented.
This is really, really good. The piece, obviously, not the bad brain days, which can go jump in a fire.
I sent you a message on Tumblr, but in case you missed it (it’s been a crazy week and it’s only freaking Wednesday) or for the benefit of others here, I’ll mention that I got an ARC of Austin Kleon’s next book, Keep Going. It’s no cure for real depression, but I’m finding it inspiring and helpful in pushing through a lot of garbage and getting back to creative play/work. (My own writing stalled out months ago and I’ve been having an incredibly hard time getting back into writing anything at all.) The book comes out in April and like his previous two books, I very much recommend it to anyone and everyone having a hard time being creative and artistic while dealing with the non-stop trash train of US and global politics.
And thank you so much for pushing yourself to post this. It makes me want to push myself to write something, anything–long or short, inside or outside my comfort zone, immediately good or immediately awful or somewhere in between. Here’s to better brain days.
Wil, I’m not sure what your specific diagnoses are, but having read your stuff regularly for years it seems like the last few months have been atypically hard for you. If there’s stuff going on IRL your readers don’t know about, that’s probably it, but if external circumstances haven’t been noticeably harder lately it might just be time to switch up meds. I recently added bupropion (Wellbutrin) to the citalopram (Celexa) that I’ve been on for a decade or so. Relatively suddenly, I was starting to feel like I could be generally content and happy, but never joyful. My doc described it in my chart as a “flat affect” and that’s petty much hitting the nail on the head. Anyway, the combination of these two meds has made a huge difference, if nothing else just dislodging me from the rut I’d been in. Finding the right meds can be a huge pain in the ass, and when things change with your chemistry or situation it can make it even tougher. But it seems like most folks need to make some adjustments after being on antidepressants for awhile.
Honestly. you probably know all this, but just in case. And just in case another reader doesn’t.
All the best to you and your family.
You’re so kind to ask after me. My meds are good, and I’m going through a deeply painful and traumatic loss that is relatively fresh. I’m so happy to know that your new meds work for you! I remember when I got my first combo that worked better than the sum of its individual parts, and how great it felt to feel the way I imagine a regular person feels.
Damn that’s good. Thanks for sharing
That was cool, Wil! Thanks for sharing it.
I’ve been having some bad mental health days, myself, lately… my brain telling me I’m not doing enough for work, but then paralyzing me with doubt and imposter syndrome when I try to do more.
Wil! I had so much of this in my life in the past! However due to Yoga everyday it has brought me to a new level of thinking that is potent in all facets of my life. Clear head and heart!
A powerful piece!
Sorry you are dealing with the dreary seasonal blues.
Personal question: How do you deal with those bad days
when you have to be on-set? I know that a lot of people who work
non-creative/non-performative jobs have to deal with these things, too.
Curious as to how the creative side of an actor’s job
is affected when we are not at 100%
Chin up, man. 😀
When I’m on set, I focus and I compartmentalize, and I leave everything that isn’t part of the scene in the dressing room.
That sounds a lot like when I put on my customer service personality at work – the one that’s always cheerful and having a good day whether the actual me is or not. And the last month has been really tough due to a personal medical scare at the end of October. So far so good, but it’s not easy.
On the up side, it’s winter and beautiful here. A bit on the too cold side this morning, but I actually feel better in general in winter than summer.
I suppose we all compartmentalize to a degree in order to function.
Thanks for your candor, sir.
Hang in there bro. Some people still like you.
Something vivid and inspiring and well worth reading. Thank you for being so brave and sharing it with the rest of us.
Gawd I would LOVE to see an illustration for this!!!!
That’s a good idea. I wonder who i can commission.
I’ve seen your paintings – I think YOU could easily illustrate this. I know it’s out of your wheelhouse but I see talent in your happy little trees!
I like ur
I hope doing this helped your bad day. It’s great! Fun and fanciful, and little scary. Kind of like life, at least sometimes. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong. You will get through this, just like you always do, because you are strong and smart and wonderful. Hang in there.
Nice work. If you need something to further distract you, check out the Facebook of Witness: Tornillo. A guy from New York went to Texas and is keeping watch over the tent prison for teens there. The more people notice, the sooner it might close, he hopes. It is hard to read and watch, but shows there are still good people.
Good luck with your brain. Keep fighting.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this bad patch. I know you have good support and I know you are reaching out to your supports and reviewing medication etc. The one thought that came to me when reading your poem is that it was your inner child protecting you and killing all the other monsters that keep you down and afraid! Keep on keeping on!
I hear you. I did Nano this year and did not finish, but I let myself know that was ok – I still wrote, and it means the Ridiculously Long Historical Epic about Cross-Dressing Earl is still closer to the finish line than it would have been. So yeah, just letting yourself write without worrying about it is fine. No, more than fine. It’s an excellent idea.
That made me tear up. That’s the monster you don’t expect.
That is amazing, Wil. I want to see this illustrated, or animated. I’m sorry you are having a bad mental health day. I hope you feel better, and we are here for you.
This was so good! Thank you for sharing!
Sorry you are down, bud. Have you ever tried Saint John’s Wort? It’s some sort of herbal thing that you can get at Walmart for like $7 a bottle, and it is supposedly just about as strong as Prozac, but… it’s “natural.” Might want to give that stuff a try (if you aren’t already on meds like that).
I find your writing very compelling. This piece has s ring of truth to me. It hit “how do I know who is safe” button. The need to know what is true. Who really will take care of me asks the child in all of us. Well done. It is so hard to just move when depressed.
I liked this, thanks Will.
Wow, that conjured up all kinds of images and feelings for me. Thanks for sharing that – I enjoyed it.
Not where I expected it to go, which is awesome. This is good,the imagery is great.
Reminds me of the poster about how we need fairytales about terrible dragons, not because we need to teach children there are feasome dragons out there, they know they are there, but to remind them that dragons, and fears, can be fought and slain.
Wil, that was beautifully creepy. The imagery was so evocative I sincerely enjoyed it. I would love to find out a year from now you are turning it into a book. I’d preorder. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry Wil. I can only imagine how defeating it is to have the bad days be your constant companion. I loved your piece. It was both whimsical and tense. I was wondering who is your monster under the bed? Is it you that is kicking the bad monsters’ asses, or do you have help when you are actually under the covers? Also, do you consider fear to be childish? I actually believe that fears can increase as we age, but in your writing it is a child who faces the demons. There was a sweet moral to your prose. What we originally fear can actually become a friend and is not so scary after all……..
I’d say failure has met its match. Holding you gently in my heart.
I’m sorry for the loss you mentioned Wil. It’s so difficult to lose anyone, even before trauma is added to the mix. I hope this piece released something for you, I know I thoroughly enjoyed it! Hang in there and know we’re all thinking of you and sending you good vibes.
This is amazing! Also, you should know that just because you aren’t actively creating things doesn’t mean you’re not impacting the world and the creative things in it. I’m 50,000 words into writing a novel that would never have existed without the inspiration you provided me.
Well, I loved it. It came from a different place in you, and that’s alright–maybe even beneficial to you and good for us! We are all behind you 100%, Wil, especially those of us who deal with demons (read monsters under the bed) too! Take care, keep strong!!!
This was really enjoyable to read. I hope you write more in this style as it was a bit wistful like a Pixar short.
While I know that bad mental health days make it hard to believe in the good stuff, and that depression is a damn liar, I hope you believe me when I tell you that you have such talent as a writer. What a picture you’ve painted – never stop, ok? ❤️
❤
Man, there must be something in the air lately. After quite a while of being ok, depression’s really been kicking me in the head again. I noticed you’ve mentioned your father lately, and it made my ears perk up because I’ve been struggling a LOT with my relationship with my parents. They’ve been unreasonable, hypocritical and downright hostile, and I know I don’t deserve it. My partner recently told me something that really helped put things in perspective: the Baby Boomers are a damaged generation, and it becomes more apparent to their grown children, because now we know better. Acknowledging that doesn’t excuse our aging parents, but it may help us to walk away when we need to. Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles – you can’t imagine how many people you’ve helped.
I’m so sorry, Amy. I feel ya.
Life is filled with monsters. Monsters who protect, monsters who frighten, monsters who hide and emerge when your brain might be strong enough to face it. Lately it seems there is a never-ending parade of monsters, each one more hideous than the one before.
Keep fighting the good fight, Will.
Love it! For “raw” what you present here is very very super good. I absolutely commiserate with your struggle against dark days and how they drain the creative out of us, I have them too. I am a long time fan. You do amazing work, thank you for sharing.
Wil, thank you. It’s getting harder and harder to get up for me, too. It’s partly the darkening of the year, and partly the news, at least for me. I appreciate you sharing your story. I think there’s a BIG story in it.
If you want to write that story, I’d sure like to read it.
All the best.
Vv nice. Really liked the twist. Did not expect it at all. I could see the monster, lying under the bed, stretching out its hairy arm, flaying the skin off the monster in the hall. Well done. I hope it cracked the ice. 😊
Ohhhh, very nice. applause
Upthread, you wrote in a comment:
I’m sorry to hear that. If e-hugs from an internet stranger helps, here you go.
Have you managed to keep up your running? I’ve kinda fallen off that treadmill, but I’m hoping to get in a short run this weekend. Now there’s a funny thought: imagining Wil cursing the weather gods / cursing his fate / being a Wil porg / being a Wil corgi in the cold Boston weather. Welp, got my weekend run’s distraction all set, apparently. 🙂
Thank you for this, Wil. I, too, have been in a similar state for the past year (hard to believe it’s been that long). Where I was once highly creative and courageous in many ways, I am now silent and fearful. I applaud and am inspired by your bravery, vulnerability, and transparency. This post and the wonderful story within it is a powerful piece and has given me the permission to do the same.
To stay with your nautical theme, they say that a rising tide lifts all boats. Please know that by trying to help yourself, you are also helping others in the process. I hope this can give you more strength to continue on during what is obviously a trying time in your life.
Thank you, Wil, and know you are very much appreciated by many like me.
It’s wonderful, Wil. A good writer can create the perfect imagery in a reader’s head, and you did so for me with this little story. I hope the pain eases soon. I can sort of relate to feeling like a failure; I had to drop out of grad school because depression caused me to miss weeks of class work. I don’t know when I can go back. I wish I could meet you and hug you, because I know what it’s like to feel so lost. Keep your chin up and keep creating. Every little bit helps.
Ooh, the monster story gave me a chill! So glad you shared it.
Great! Very Stephen King’s Boogeyman (my favourite)! I was soooo focused on the idea that the monster under the bed is a good guy and enjoying that break from the norm, that you completely suckered me into not seeing the ending.
P.S.: The Hilarious World of Depression podcast that you did a couple year ago was very timely for me. I think you mentioned it, or at least I checked it out specifically because I heard you were appearing on it. Thank you for putting it out there.