I’m having a bad mental health day.
Well, I’ve been having a string of bad mental health days.
Ten weeks or so, it seems, and every day is a battle just to get up and face it.
I’m paralyzed by a fear of failure, and that fear is stopping me from creating anything that matters.
Hell, it’s preventing me from creating anything at all.
So I gave myself an exercise today, to see if I can help move this ship that’s been trapped in ice.
I had a simple idea, and I gave myself permission to just spit it out without thinking too much. I decided to write in a style that I don’t normally use, just to crack the ice a little bit.
And because I’m so afraid of failure, I gave myself permission to share this unvarnished, unpolished, trapped-in-ice bunch of words that spilled out of my head.
The monster lives under the bed. It sleeps among the dust bunnies, wraps itself around the box of sweaters, stretches its legs between toys.
It keeps the lost socks. Lost things are desired to be found and that need sustains the monster when the children are not in their beds.
The children know the monster is there, as all children do, having felt its presence in the dark of night. Their parents don’t believe in monsters, as no parents do, having forgotten the truths they knew when they were children.
What the children and the parents don’t know is that the monster under the bed does not threaten on the children.
It protects them. From the other monsters.
The monster in the closet.
The monster who taps at the window when the wind blows.
The monster who lurks in the hallway, just outside the bedroom door.
The monster who stands in the room when the children hide beneath the covers.
The monster who lives under the bed waits for them to come calling. The monster who lives under the bed waits for them to tap on the window or scratch on the walls or creak the closet door open. The monster who lives under the bed waits and when the children are in danger, it reaches out with an impossibly long arm, covered with fur and scales and blisters and oozing pustules. It reaches out and opens a claw, snaps it closed on the neck of the monster who lives in the closet, crushes the life out of the monster who taps on the window, flays the skin off the monster who lurks in the hallway. When the children hide beneath the covers, it breaks the neck of the monster who stands in the dark bedroom.
It protects the children, as it protected their parents, as it will protect the children’s children long after they have grown into parents and forgotten it or any of the other monsters existed.
It protects them
and it waits.
It waits for all the other monsters to be driven out, so that it may uncoil itself, stretch itself out, creep into the bedroom
and feed.
Fifteen or so minutes, 352 words, a few images, an unexpected ending. Something where there wasn’t something before. Something unpolished and raw and imperfect. Something published for the sake a making a thing that isn’t perfect. Okay.
Maybe this will crack the ice, or at least sweep away a few snowdrifts.
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Wil, you don’t know me and have no reason to believe me, but you’ve been on my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about you and your mental health and how it plagues you, and sometimes when I don’t hear from you (because I have a false sense of familiarity from the years of reading your blog) I worry that you’re having a tough time. It could be that you’re working, brain clicking away on creative endeavors, or traveling with your family, but it could be a hard time instead. I know you have supports/love/meds, but I keep you in mind, and I hope you make it through the brain-misfires and keep on returning to your best self.
I like this writing. Your imagery is excellent, your tale is well-spun, the end is a knife-twist somewhere between the gut and the heart. I’m glad you let yourself throw it out to us.
I am sending out well-wishes and positive energy in your direction; I don’t know if it makes a difference to how the universe functions, but maybe it’ll be one more note to combat the Internet-trolls or Depression-lies.
The imagery was wonderful. You brought me right into the scene and I could see it perfectly.
Hang in there, please. So many of us appreciate you, even when you don’t understand why.
Thank you. I love that you didn’t let depression and anxiety stop you from moving a little today. I know that trapped feeling in my own way. My five year old, Zoe, loves shouting, “Wheaton.” It gives her joy, and then me. It’s the littlest things sometimes.
Sooooooo gooood! Thank you for sharing! Can’t imagine what success looks like if this comes out of perceived failure. Congratulations on giving yourself permission to do this, especially through dark times. May the heavy curtains open soon and allow the light back in. You really are a gift to so many of us.
I just put a couple of single socks under my bed in case the Under-The-Bed monster will help stop the monster that pops up in my brain now and then. Excellent visualization and I would love to see this fleshed out (haha) in a short story or longer. Although, are you sure that the under the bed monster only does this for kids? I may need an extra closet monster around just in case it needs a midnight snack that isn’t me.
Love this story – I’m really glad you shared it.
You made a huge first step to getting back to creating. I’m going to try to follow suit.
I think what we’re all really afraid of is being judged. Everybody’s busy playing judge, jury and executioner these days instead of being supportive. A little goes a long way.
This is the monster story I always wanted. Always.
Yes.
Hi Wil! I liked the story and I loved that you published it on purpose to push your boundary! I admire you for taking a step in that direction ! That’s a great victory! Hooray!
This. I love this so much. Resonates, lights up my heart and parts of my head in ways I can’t put words to this late in the evening. Thank you.
But did the ship get free of the ice?!?
Actually no – I recognize the ship. The ship didn’t make it even though she put up a hell of a fight, but the crew did. “The boss” brought the entire crew home safely.
One of the lessons from that expedition was that, no matter how bleak things may seem, and no matter how marooned you may feel, there is always hope, friendship, and loyalty. That’s what rescued them.
So, Wil and everyone else, I believe this is no less true in the desolate places inside the human soul. Remember that you’re not alone on your journey! By endurance we conquer.
It’s Shackleton, right? One of the finest moments of mankind, if you ask me.
And Wil, so good to hear from you again. I too am concerned (“worry” is too strong) when we hear nothing from you for a long time. That was great.
Way to go! I am so proud of you for bravely posting. Hope that you are on an upswing soon. (((HUGS)))
Wish I could post a picture that went along with your story – but it will lurk in my imagination for a long while. Thanks for the fun, I too am going to be brave – and will try to sketch this out, and colour it.
Then we can be bravely battling together – high five.
Genuinely well written — and chilling, too. Great job, Wil.
Keep up the awesome work.
Follow up: I am quite sure that I used improper English rule number 1,491, or something else, in that comment.
I apologize if it causes anyone mental anguish.
Wil, we’ve never met, but you can count me as a friend. You are stronger than the beasts. You will prevail. -MB-
I like it. Short, pithy, nice pace and a great punch at the end. Try something new tomorrow and share that too. This shit is hard but we can make something interesting out of it.
I love your monster
does this sound familiar?
you think others don’t like you. a compliment is hard to accept and quickly disbelieved life has no meaning because, well, it’s your life you suspect that others see you as ‘odd’ you don’t want to move, just eat you’re both sad and angry you want to care but something stops you what’s wrong? why?
there are many reasons, but perhaps you are in ‘the cave’. this cave, it’s a way to survive an emotional winter, you want to just curl up and wait for Spring it’s an ancient survival instinct in our DNA it hisses “stay here and don’t move” it becomes a terrible trap you must try to leave walk to the sunlight turn off the box don’t think move just go
I like it. I go through a lot of the same things (severe chronic depression) and came up with a similar monster of my own that feeds on the things that live in the dark. Not all monsters are nasty, even if they are toothy. I do digital art for much the same reasons as well. I’m not great at it, but it keeps the gears in my head from seizing up.
Loved it!
I don’t know if this helps, but you are not alone, feeling this way. I, too, have suffered from this as long as I can remember. For me, it was my dad and things he said that caused it.
But I want to thank you. Your little story inspired me to write my own story, kind of an answer story toy yours. I wrote 500 words in an hour thanks to you. I can hardly remember last time I did that. Hopefully, both our ships can break free from the ice together. Would you like to read my story?
Take care
What you create on a bad day is better than what many can create on their best.
lots of hugs
A couple of thumbs up on this. Keep at it.
I tend to feel similarly around the holidays. One thing I found that helped me last Winter was a change of scenery for 4-8 days. Consider taking off with your wife for a short holiday – drive somewhere you (and/or her) would like to see. Stay in inexpensive hotels, with friends, or whatever. Just driving somewhere and enjoying the experience of exploring for a few days (as opposed to hitting the area’s tourist spots) can be a real breath of fresh air and a real uplifter. It breaks you out of your routine and can give you a chance to see a place you really haven’t gotten to know.
I don’t know if this will mean as much to you as it does to me, but your story hits me very much in the way Neil Gaiman does. Not too many words, just the right ones. Thank you for sharing, and highjacking my mind and heart for a little bit.
Wil, I am going through something with my son right now–he’s dealing with anxiety and some other issues, and he’s just 18, and he’s a creative guy as well. I really appreciate you being brave and posting as it helps me. Remember what Heinlein said–“Writers write.” You’re a writer, and from what I see there are plenty of people, myself included, who like your stuff. Store up these comments for the bad days to help you just get through it.
Depression and anxiety suck. It grabs you like that fear of the unseen monsters. I’m glad to see you let that go Wil. Or enough to strive forward even with the monsters all around.
I love the story. Easy to read and imagine yourself there…and the ending is soooo danged creepy! Was not expecting that.
Thank you for taking me away for a little while.
Love and many hugs
Val
I love this. I’ve also been feeling unable to do anything, recently. It’s odd because my depression used to make me extremely hyperfocused on academics, and it made me more likely to produce quality work, despite or maybe because of not wanting to leave my room or talk to people or, you know, exist. It got better for a while, but now I don’t particularly want to exist, and I’m not doing well in school either. It kind of sucks.
But anyway, I just wanted to let you know I genuinely like this. It just felt right to read.
Fantastic and freaky. Loved it. Felt it. Sending love your way. Yes, you are not alone. Thank you for helping me not feel so alone too.
I need to take you to my CrossFit gym Wil. Exercise is utterly essential for mental health. Seriously hit me up.
352 words after weeks of nothing is a significant breakthrough. Last night I wrote 516 words after a dry spell. It’s good; it’s what you need. Every day is going to be a struggle to write. It’s not an easy thing to do, nor should it be. The truth, in whatever form it takes, is tough. Knowing it is one thing, putting it out there is another thing entirely. Just keep putting one foot–one word–in front of the other.
Depression sucks. I’m having a rough day today, and was thinking I shouldn’t waste my time writing. I’m so glad I read this. It’s a great story. And, an even greater gift of putting yourself out there. It helps to remember that we’re not alone in our struggles. I wish the very best for you and your family. Hugs, love, and prayers.
Wow, that’s really good! Creepy and unexpected. I like!
Hugs and good vibes from ATX
Ha! Good twist there.
(Would a sun-lamp help, d’ya think? It’s been dark and darker and many of my internet friends are going, “Oh, right, time to turn on the sun-lamps.”)
The Owlbearening: A Bil Wheaton Adventure.
With Key to the Scrimshaws by Mary Baker Eddy,
Also, has anyone checked on Africa lately?
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
I am so glad I thought to look up your words after my silly googling of “how to get out of a funk,” which was in place of texting a friend to get out of a funk because I need to work instead of socialize this Sunday night but I don’t want to do any of those things. or anything, except those things I’m not supposed to ..do. Reading that was better. Thanks for sharing.
Hey, that thing you made and put up here to share with people? I liked it. So, good job.
I’m going to share this on my own blog – obviously will just send a link to your page and not copy it outright, but you know what I mean!
I didn’t get to this right away and saved reading it, I thought that was worth the wait. Nice break in my day at work.
Thanks for the nightmare-juice. I’m blaming you if my wife asks why I’m sleeping with the blanket over my head tonight.
Liked this enough that I finally broke down to make an account here so I could let you know. Man! Thank you for sharing the things in your head!!!!
Nice . One thing though . Don’t say ‘feed” at the end . Say “keep warm”. Its just that I would like the story better that way.
Merry atheist Christmas !
Have you read Daily Science Fiction and Fantasy? This seems like their style, if you end up writing more like it.
Wil, I was browsing the interwebs and you popped into my mind so I thought I would come here to wish you a good day.
I like your story; the pacing is very good. It has a staccato feel. I hope the writing exercise worked and that you can create more excellent stories like this one. 🙂
You have value and are worthy! I look forward to reading the next blog post.
wil,
just today i saw “the curse”, and you in it, which roused my curiosity enough to learn more about you, and just today learned of your struggles with anxiety and depression. i know these things well, and i feel you. keep fighting; there is no other option.
i first saw you on sttng. at first i didn’t like it; not because of you but because it was different. it was very different from tos and i was slow to warm to it, but i did. next generation was irresistable, and your wesley crusher was and continues to be an interesting and provocative character.
Peace to you and yours. Kepp on being you.
d’ug
your story made me cry, wil. thank you for always helping me feel like i am not alone in my depression and anxiety, which like yours, has been a constant fixture again for the past two months. sending you much love and i hope you find the ice cracks for you soon. xo
Will this made me weep,I also suffer from Anxiety,panic attacks,depression. Its a day to day battle.I will follow this blog because I can see you are a sincere caring loving person …Peace bro.
You keep on keeping on, Wil. Love you and all the things you do, from acting, voice acting, and your audio book output, and, of course your books. I know depression and what a monster it can be. Some days you just can’t. Some days you just say fork and do something anyway. This was good and I appreciate it.
Merry Christmas Wil and everyone
Thank you for sharing.
Sometimes we just have to “do it”, just do it, and don’t care with opinions. Doing it helps us get a sense o accomplishment. Small things done. i like your “ice breaker”, it would give a nice children book if you trim the edges and find a nice illustrator, for example. Maybe you should just get some time in a different country, in the middle of nowhere living for a time with people that don’t care about most of the things modern societies makes us care. Where day and night have their own cycles a live just goes by. Hope you get better.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Hope you are well.