it all started with a big bang

About ten years ago, I was stuck, professionally, and doing my best not to freak out every day about where the next mortgage payment would come from. I was doing moderately well as a writer, but I wasn’t earning enough to sustain myself and my family, and my acting career was … well, if it were a patient in a coma, we would have been having serious discussions about pulling the plug to end the suffering.

Everything changed when Bill Prady called me, and pitched me on playing a version of myself on his series, The Big Bang Theory. Believe it or not, I didn’t instantly say yes. I felt like playing myself meant I would only get to do one episode, nobody would care, and the industry wouldn’t respect me for it because I wasn’t playing a role. So I called my friend John Rogers and asked him what I should do.

“YOU SAY YES YOU DUMMY WHY ARE YOU EVEN CONSIDERING NOT DOING THIS?!” He hollered at me, throwing much-needed cold water on the doubts and fears I had unnecessarily created in my fucked up head.

So I thanked John for his advice and guidance, called Bill back, and accepted the gig. A few days later, Bill called me back and carefully told me that the character had changed. Now, the version of Wil Wheaton I would be playing was, and I quote, “Delightfully evil.”

Now I said YES without hesitation. I was playing a character, just like I wanted to, but I was the only person in the world who could play him, because he was literally a version of me.

That week on the set was the best week of my life. I was already a huge fan of the show, but by the time I was wrapped, I was an even bigger fan of the cast and crew. Everyone treated me with kindness and respect. They made me feel so welcome, like I deserved to be there, like I was a valued member of the show. One of the producers told me “I hope you had a good time here, because we are definitely bringing you back for more episodes.”

That was awesome, but I’ve worked in film and television long enough to know that people say things like that all the time, and nothing ever comes of it.

Only this time, it did! A little while later, they brought me back for another episode, and then another and another and then it was ten years later and I’ve done like seventeen episodes. Along the way, I became good friends with the entire cast and most of the writers and producers. Along the way, they welcomed me into their family, and made me feel like I was as important to the production as anyone else who works there. They accepted me and always made me feel like I deserved to be there, like I was valued, like I was not someone who had done under twenty episodes, but who had been there for every moment of every day. It has been a remarkable experience, and the greatest joy of my professional life. Personally, it ranks second, behind my marriage and partnership with the best person on the planet, Anne Wheaton.

Last night, I took what is probably my final curtain call in front of an audience at Stage 25. There are only 9 episodes left, and the math of it makes it unlikely there will be another space in any of the stories they have left for my version of Wil Wheaton.

And while that breaks my heart, it’s really okay. Things end, and I’m always grateful to be sad at the end of something, because it means I am grateful that it happened.

When I was a kid on Star Trek, I never had the emotional maturity to appreciate it. I loved my cast mates, and we were a family, but I was just too young and immature to fully appreciate what we had, until it was gone. For years, when I thought about TNG and my space family, I felt shame and regret. But I finally got to publicly express my love and gratitude to them at a big TNG reunion panel in Calgary. I got a second chance that I never thought I would get, and I made the most of it. Since then, I can look back on TNG with fondness and pride, instead of sadness and regret.

I wasn’t going to let 25 years go by before I got to share my gratitude with the cast and crew of Big Bang Theory, so yesterday during a break in camera blocking, I stood in the middle of the set, and I took a minute to tell them all how grateful I am for the years of love and kindness they have all given me. I thanked them for making me feel like I’m part of their family, and for being my friends. I did my best not to cry, and I mostly succeeded.

We went back to work, and over the next hour or so, pretty much everyone from the cast and crew came up to me and made sure I knew that I didn’t just feel like part of their family, I was part of their family. Every single person who talked to me told me they will miss me as much as I will miss them.

Over the course of the day and night (we tape in the evening after rehearsing and camera blocking all day), I was able to share meaningful and joyful (and tearful) moments with everyone in the cast, and most of the producers and crew. I was able to directly express my gratitude to all of the people who have been such an important and wonderful part of my life since we shot my first episode, way back in 2008.

I’m so sad that the show is ending. I’m so sad that, in just a few short weeks, they’ll start tearing down the sets and preparing Stage 25 for whoever is going to move into after we leave.

But I am so grateful that I’ve had the privilege and honor to spend nearly a quarter of my life working with and becoming friends with these amazing humans.

The episode we shot last night will probably air in 3 to 4 weeks, and it’s likely to be the last time we see Formerly Evil Wil Wheaton in his natural habitat, but as you probably saw from the pictures I posted from the set, I could not have asked for a better and more wonderful way to bring this incredible chapter in my life to a close.

My life and career are in a much better place now than they were ten years ago. I feel happier (recent kick in the face by my damn Depression notwithstanding) and I feel better about my career choices and opportunities than I have in a long, long time. Being part of this show, and forming friendships with my cow-orkers there has been a very big part of that.

Thank you, Bill Prady and Chuck Lorre, for giving me the opportunity to be part of your creation. Thank you, Steve Molaro and Steve Holland, and all the writers, for always giving me the funniest stuff to perform, and letting me play a version of myself who is so much cooler than I am. Thank you, Mark Cendrowski, for always directing me toward my best possible work, and for making me a better actor. Thank you, Anthony Rich, and everyone on the crew, for creating such an amazing and joyful and supportive working environment.

And thank you most of all to the cast for allowing me to be part of the family. I don’t know what’s next for any of us (I hope you all take a deserved vacation) but I want you all to know that I love you, and being part of your stories has been a gift, an honor, and something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

117 thoughts on “it all started with a big bang”

  1. I still remember my then housemate screaming my name from the living room when your first episode aired, because at that time I didn’t watch Big Bang and she knew how much of a fan of yours I was. I watch it regularly now and whenever you’re in a new episode I get that same fizz of excitement as I did watching you in that first one. I’m so glad you said yes to the role and that they made you part of their family.

  2. Lovely stuff Wil, I was lucky enough to be able to go to the recording of The Conjugal Conjunction for my surprise on my 50th while on an amazing Californian roadtrip. It was absolutely a highlight of the trip… The professionalism, respect & love that the cast & crew showed was lovely to see…. So glad you got to have that in your life!

  4. Remember that when your brain tells you you’re a fraud, IT LIES! (My brain lies, too. I know where you’re coming from.)

  6. I have always loved when you show up on Big Bang Theory! Your effect on Sheldon is priceless and so entertaining! And it’s funny because I think “I know that guy!” because I read your blog and feel in a small way that I do know you. Your connection with your readers is very special.
    Congratulations on wrapping your involvement in a great show, and best wishes on your next venture! Whatever you do, I’m sure you’ll nail it!

  7. When one of your first episodes aired.. I remember my wife saying: “Who is Will Wheaton?” And I said: “Well he was Gordie in Stand by Me” knowing that’s in her top 5 favorite movies… she looked at you on screen and said: “oh my god that is him!” And then later I discovered Table Top And was watching it and my wife who also loves board games said: “is that Gordie playing board games?” Hahahaha I said “yes it is” and we watched every episode of Table Top since. You’re awesome Will Wheaton… or as my wife would say: “you’re awesome Gordie!” Hahahaha

  8. I remember that moment in Calgary. It was a very touching moment. I’m glad you were finally able to say what you wanted to say for years. Not a lot of people get that opportunity.

  9. 💓 that was beautiful put . we will see you in your next adventures there is much creativity in you and you are a wonderful actor. I would listen to you read the weather report or a audio book any time . I could even see you dabbling in animation . expand your playing field you have so much to share. I’m proud of your honesty and genuine manner. Mostly I look forward to see you act more and write /create.

  10. I’m not the audience for Big Bang. Not my thing. But cool that it’s been such a great experience for you.

    FYI, here in China, the two shows that locals bring up when referencing their favorite American TV: Friends and Big Bang. Not sure why, but they seem to be universally loved here.

  12. A great show made even greater every time you were on—looking forward to your episode (even though it will be sad to see the show go)…

  13. Sir, you are a decent fellow in a wicked world and we are richer for having you in it. Also, I love the audiobook readings that you do. You really lift the text off the page. Please keep being you.

  14. That first Evil Wil episode back in 2008 is still my favorite. I’ve never laughed so hard at an episode of TV. Ever.

    I’m glad you had as much fun on the show as I did watching them over the years!

  15. Love this: “Things end, and I’m always grateful to be sad at the end of something, because it means I am grateful that it happened.”

  16. I’m so glad you got that moment. I’m happy your career is doing better, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. <3

  18. I had never heard about you bofore TBBT, so I’m glad they called you.

    Now everytime I see you in an episode is like seeing a friend 🙂

  21. Wow, I would have thought it was more like 47 episodes! I can’t say that we watched BBT religiously, but we often spend a Saturday binging on the past season’s reruns and you were certainly one of the highlights! Plus, your Tabletop videos have always been one of my husband’s favorite things to watch. Now, my hopes and prayers for you are that you will continue to be vocal and visual in all of you quirky, some times snarky but always passionate authenticness (if that’s a word). But mostly, I hope you remain happy. My stepdad, my sister, my former husband and my daughter have all suffered with mental health issues. We lost my sister and my daughter’s father to suicide. Your honesty and sincerity in sharing your struggles has given me insight and given my daughter support. I know you aren’t one for religion, but you are and will continue to be in my prayers for God’s very best blessings on your life.

  22. This made me cry. Mr. Wheaton, sir, you are such a big-hearted, sweet man, and I am so happy you were able to find a role that brought you joy and very sad it is coming to an end. I hope you find something just as fulfilling to replace it.

  23. Wil, I can’t think of Big Bang without thinking of you. I was a bit surprised to hear you were “only” in 17 episodes. You were integral to the show, and you played “delightfully evil” so very well. LOVED your episodes — such fun! I look forward to seeing (and hearing) you more and more. Thank you for your work, for your lovely heart and mind, and for being there for those of us who wish you the very best.

  24. OF COURSE they asked you back, because you and the various astronauts who have guested on that show are like the Nerd Patron Saints and you are all awesome.

    Say yes to everything because it’s fun and you never have any idea where it will head. Remember what Frakes once said with what you called his shit-eating grin? “I will do ANYTHING for money.” 🙂

  25. You were my favorite episode of “Fun with Flags.” Trying to take Amy’s directions, but what got me was “The Guild” t-shirt you were wearing. Definately one of the funniest made for web series I have seen and you as the arch rival was sheer madness. I will miss all of the regulars of TBT.

  26. Tearing up here, thanks Wil! I am so bummed the show is ending. Your character version of you has made me laugh so many times and I love that you became a regular part of the show. I will miss you just as much as I miss the rest of the cast!

  29. Maybe Wil’s Wesley could be a voice in young Sheldon’s head much like the late Leonard Nimoy or Bob Newhart’s Professor Proton were/are for older Sheldon on occasion. We know Sheldon watched Wil on ST:TNG (going so far as to take a ten hour bus trip to a convention to see him) so Wesley was an influence on him around the time covered by Young Sheldon. Maybe one of the episodes where Wesley was ignored by the adults could mirror Sheldon’s experience being ignored by the adults in his life and Sheldon tries to use his inner Wesley to figure out how to cope.

  31. Your post brings forth grattitude and heartfelt smiles, so glad you shared these inside views. Similar to your TNG story, I hope to one day reunite with my group of people, after a long period of growing up, and maturing.
    I’m sad that Big Bang Theory is ending, too, and also so grateful for its existence. The show has been a delightful, amazing source of insight and education. Thank you so much to all of the people who made it possible – the writers, and actors, the invisible, behind-the-scenes crew, and anyone else who supported the creation of the show. You guys rock!

  32. What a marvellous piece of writing. Wil’s character was a joy and his acting brilliant Thanks mate you’ll be missed just as much as any of the others. X

  33. I LOVED you on The Big Bang Theory and your other works as well. I am glad that you agreed to be on this show and that it was such a wonderful, much deserved experience for you. And I actually got to be in the live audience during this particular recording! I am so stoked that you blogged about the one and only Big Bang Theory episode that I watched live. I agree, this episode is definitely a treasure! And I can’t wait for others to watch it as well.

    My friend and I tried to get tickets to a January recording, but it didn’t work out. But, the February 5th recording worked out and looking back, it was for the best because it allowed me to see your final episode! <3

  34. My partner and I have been watching TBBT for what feels like such a short time, but then I look at the stack of seasons on my bedroom TV stand, and I realize it has been over a decade! For the longest time we couldn’t get high speed internet at our apartment, so we’d just put in a disk and press play every night, both of us prefer to fall asleep with the TV on.

    TBBT has brought us closer in weird ways. I have been that awkward guy my whole life, and she has been quite normal; incidentally she is from Nebraska, and watching all the stories unfold, caricatured though they may have been, has helped us through some of the more odd situations that arise from people with such disparate backgrounds coming together. It has shown us both that having a sense of humor about certain things is okay.

    She HATED Star Trek, and really anything that I thought was cool, until she caught me (yes, I had the lights off and the blinds shut and wasn’t expecting her home for hours) watching an episode of TNG and recognized YOU! Then I was watching Dark Matter and she just about did a backflip when you showed up. Now we watch hours of youtube videos about RPGs together! There are three blogs that she has ever read in her life: yours, Whatever, and mine because I force her.

    You bring so much joy and richness and honesty and genuine humanity to whatever project you are involved in. Thank you for a lifetime of entertainment, creativity and inspiration.

  37. Wil, aside from having great acting chops, you have a quite the talent for writing. Your blog is so well written, you are able to convey your honest self. I am pretty sure that most (if not all) sees aspects of themselves in you. You make us/me feel I am not alone in the struggles and triumphs we face everyday. Although your Big Bang Theory stint may be ending – your positive attitude you put out there, will bring you positive experiences back. So, remember to recognize an opportunity when it knocks on your door. I’m sure the next working chapter of your life will have a lot to offer. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing – keep it up. Cheers

  38. That was beautiful! I am sorry that this chapter in your professional life is over, but I cannot wait to see what comes next for you. Xoxo

  40. Hell I consider you family and we’ve never met. Now go yell at Scalzi! I need you to read to me more. The Collapse is coming and I’m ready.

  41. Wonderfull write up. It seems that even with the ups and downs with depression you get though it. I know that “mommy voice” is always there to support and care for you.

  43. Congratulations on an awesome success! Life career. personal and balancing. I enjoyed and learned from you on the show and on the cruise!

  44. Thank you, Wil, for sharing this! I read this at 3:30am, because my depression and anxiety are keeping me awake. I’ve been having a really rough night but I saw this at a moment when I needed it. It made me smile and cry.

    I was there, in Calgary, that year! Unfortunately, I wasn’t at that panel because I hadn’t yet fully discovered how much I needed to be a fan of you until a little over a year later. I knew who you were and liked you, but I didn’t know enough about you yet to feel like I could say I was a fan. I was a huge fan of Big Bang Theory (still am!) and I used to watch Star Trek with my parents when I was a kid, and reruns, years later. But that was also my first ever convention and I had a huge list of people I wanted to see and didn’t know what to expect out of the whole experience. (Not to mention the fact they’d oversold tickets and there was WAY too many people in the convention centre, so it was pure insanity.) I regret now that you weren’t further up on my list because a year and a half later, you literally saved my life.

    I was driving from Edmonton to Medicine Hat late at night, during a moderate Alberta snow storm, by myself, after a work event, when your episode of Aisha Tyler’s podcast come on on my iPod. For some reason, that day, that moment, your story resonated with me differently than it had before. I had been aware of the fact you talked about depression before that, but I hadn’t connected with it until then. I had suspected I’d been depressed in the past, but had never truely understood what that actually meant, as it hadn’t been diagnosed. I certainly didn’t realize I was struggling with depression and anxiety at that point, until I heard you talk about it that night. It felt as though you were putting my thoughts, my feelings, into words, which is something I’ve always struggled to do. I cried harder than I had in a really long time when I realized that what I was going through was something that I could get help with and that I wasn’t alone in the way I was feeling, thanks to you.

    It took me about a week and a half after that to work up the courage to call my doctor and make an appointment, but I did it. I started getting help. A lot has changed in my life since then. Not all great. It’s been a lot of ups and downs and I’m still kind of a mess, but honestly, I don’t think I’d be here right now, or that I would have survived the following few months, if it wasn’t for you sharing your story and if I hadn’t heard it at that exact moment. So please, keep sharing your story, because it means so much to me, and so many other people!

    That was also the first time I heard the spicy dick milk story. I was still kind of crying from earlier in the podcast, and laughing so hard that I started crying again. So… Thank you.

  45. Thoroughly enjoyed all your appearances on TBBT. I’d have to say that my favorite scene of yours isn’t one that was broadcast, it was on the season 7 gag reel. The scene was from “The Gorilla Dissolution,” where you, Penny, and Leonard were at a bar after getting fired from “Serial Ape-ist 2.” You walked back onto the set after leaving, the director told you that you were already on, and you replied, “Yeah, this scene really doesn’t get going until I leave.” Kaley and Johnny weren’t the only ones that burst out laughing at that. 🙂

  46. I was at a TBBT taping last night, and as part of the warmup we were shown (I think) the episode you talk about. Amazing episode and so glad you got so much screen time!

  47. Thank you for your contribution to TBBT, your Advocacy for those of us living with mental illness, and for inspiring “Wheaton.”

  49. Wil Wheaton you are a goddamn national treasure. You made the show better every time you were on it.

  50. Can you tell us more about your meditation? What kind do you do to help cope?

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I had a client who was a Navy Seal that ended his own life. He was terrified to die but killed himself anyway. I asked God how this could happen. I ended up having a most horrifying nightmare showing how it happens. I will never forget it. You described it like being a thick, heavy lead blanket. In my nightmare it was thick, heavy water that enveloped me and tried to suffocate me. There was much more to the dream but this was the most horrifying part. It had a hold of me and I had to fight with everything in my soul to get it off of me. As soon as I got it off, I woke up and was so scared and disturbed that I had to write it out and pray until I fell back asleep. I was afraid to sleep for fear of going back to that place in my dream—I felt like I was in some other dimension. I know this sounds kinda weird but when I have talked with others who experience depression of the suicidal kind, they describe this kind of heavy water or blanket coming over them the way you did.

    I have ADHD and anxiety, sometimes depression from the other two disorders so I understand what it’s like to have a brain wired differently and to have the panic attacks. Good for you for sharing your experiences in hopes of helping others.

    Jamie
    From Alaska

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