and …. breathe

I just realized that I’ve been holding a tension in my shoulders and a tightness in my chest for the last four years. Every minute of every day, without realizing I was doing it. It’s only now, that it’s gone, that I realize how heavy it weighed on me.

Having an abuser as president was so hard for me, and millions of other people who are abuse survivors. Every day was a trigger for something. It was exhausting. It hurt. (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you. You were there.)

I feel this incredible sense of relief, like the worst storm I’ve ever experienced is finally gone, and the sun is peeking out from behind the clouds.

I’m going to go outside, and soak it up.

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66 thoughts on “and …. breathe”

  2. OMG Wil, I thought I was crazy for feeling the same way. I know in my head that a man I have never met shouldn’t effect my happiness on literally, an almost daily basis, but he did. It changed how I viewed the world and the relationships in my life. But I really, honestly thought, I must be over reacting. Thank you for publicly sharing your feelings. It makes today’s great day, even greater.

  4. You are sooo right, Wil. I just watched the inauguration. It was beautiful!!! It was perfect! Ahhh! that pain in my chest and across my shoulders and in the pit of my stomach is gone! SIGH!!! Keep on keepin’ on, Wil Wheaton!

  6. I’m scared to be optimistic. I still believe that Trump was a symptom of an underlying issue that is still present and thriving. I guess I should focus on the smaller victories?

    1. I have the same fear. For me, this isn’t over. But it is a time to show self-care and prepare for the next round of the fight.

  8. Hell yeah Wil! I’ve had this stress inside of me since he won and it has been getting worse as the days passed and the atrocities mounted.

    Today is a good day to go outside, take a deep breath, and smile at the return to boring politics.

  10. When I read this, I thought “Oh my gosh, he’s right!!”

    Thanks for helping realize this.

  11. Hey Wil, I have to tell you that you were the one person I was thinking of as I watched Biden ans Harris take the oath today. I imagined you glued to your screen, giving a deep exhale.

    For my part, I had goosebumps. What a lovely day this turned out to be. All the best to you, ‘Merica. You just might have a chance here. Love, 🇨🇦

  14. YESSSSS!! An actual adult in the White House. Biden and Harris’ task is huge, but I’m confident they are up to the challenge.

  15. I realized that I had learned what anxiety was. Even with depression, I didn’t have it until 2016. I think I had tears of relief, too.

    Ding Dong the Witch is Dead is my current earworm.

    Yes, there are still the gigantic problems that he was the face of, but they don’t have a leader in power anymore! No more bully pulpit for the Cheeto toddler.

  16. The pain I feel won’t go away till there is justice. We cannot just give him a fine or just block him from office. We have to do more. Other wise we just are inviting another person to do this again.

  17. Exhausting doesn’t begin to cover the daily agony of that orange “man”! We must put him in the past quickly so we can move on to a better life and a better way.

  18. Hope. I know that was Obama’s motto.. but that’s what I felt. Biden has many ‘impossible’ tasks ahead of him. But unlike the crooks and sycophants that our last president surrounded himself with.. Biden’s suggested cabinet is filled with people ready to work, think, plan and to rebuild America. To conquer COVID. To right the wrongs committed by the narcissist in chief.

    It’s funny.. a couple years ago I would have said that nothing would make me vote for Biden. He was too old and too white and too much of a corporatist. I believe that Healthcare is a right. He doesn’t. But for all of his failings… I believe that Biden will try to put the people first. He may never be able to reach the ‘QAnon’ crowd, but I don’t think he’ll be tweeting tonight about the ‘total losers’ who protected DC this week.

    I too feel that lift off my shoulders and chest. Now maybe I’ll be able to find the strength to look for a job. 2020 was a rough one.

  23. I’m celebrating by actually paying money for something instead of sourcing it elsewhere; the Ready Player Two audio-book is currently playing.

  25. “Every day was a trigger for something. It was exhausting. It hurt. (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you. You were there.)”

    Wil,

    Intellectually, I have known that was true for the decade that was the last four years. But like you and so many others here, I didn't realize how large and tight was the knot in my chest until it began to unwind when President Biden and Vice-president Harris were behind the doors of the White House. I just hope it's safe in there.

    I know there's so much work to be done still, but at least now we can begin to do it.

  26. I can never remember consciously taking a deep breath and then releasing it, hoping to feel better, and then ACTUALLY feeling better! Is that crazy? I’m 50 years old and have never used breathing to cleanse what I was feeling. The second he stepped into that helicopter, I breathed in.. then out.. and experienced an enormous weight and sense of dread leaving my body.

    Maybe I need to look into yoga or something I don’t know. Or maybe I need to look into NOT having a clown as a president in the future. Whatever the case, today life is good, and I feel lighter for the first time in at least four years.

  27. “Having an abuser as president was so hard for me, and millions of other people who are abuse survivors. Every day was a trigger for something. It was exhausting. It hurt. (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you. You were there.)”

    Thank you for saying it out loud. As a survivor it is hard to explain to those you don’t know how many triggers were set off by him. I have been trying to get away from him since we left NYC in 1992, I was happy that I thought I would never have to even hear from that man again, and then he became POTUS. I now hope to continue that interrupted trend of never having to hear from him again. Bright Blessings to you and yours, sir. May we all Live Long and Prosper.

  28. My only real concern with Biden’s presidency is wondering how many of Trump’s gun-crazy lunatic supporters will try to take him out. I would not put it past them, at all.

  30. I’m with you, Wil. I had no idea how much anxiety I had until Biden had taken the oath and I felt completely exhausted.

  34. I did not realize how tense I had been until I saw Officer Goodman escorting Kamala H and I began to cry. Me, a 60 year old comfortable white suburban male, tears falling uncontrollably. What a beautiful day. Lady Gaga, J Lo, Amanda Gorman, Biden’s speech, even Garth frickin’ Brooks. When VP Harris took the oath, I about lost it. What a difference two weeks make. Hope.

  35. The whole world is joining in your relief. When America has a cold we all sneezes. It was wonderful to watch. Still the fear, so many millions of people support him and almost half of the senate and congress feeding Americans with lies. Is this really the end of this orange sub-human?

  36. I reposted a link to your countdown clock, and kept it open in a browser for most of the final two days. (I used the one from four years ago, because it does not have the flag image in the header, and it was better for my soul not to look at that flag.)

    You nailed it with the abuser comment. I cried like this the last time I escaped from a relationship with an abuser. That time, I had entered the relationship of my own free will, albeit under delusion; this time, I hadn’t even agreed to it.

    I also cried my head off seeing Eugene Goodman.

  37. Yesterday I was still wandering around dazed waiting for something bad to happen. Today I feel a bit freer. Every day, I imagine it will get a little better. Healing is good….now let’s change the locks and get a restraining order….

  38. I’m Canadian, but when I saw VP Biden (soon to be Pres.), and Dr Biden on the stairs, ready to walk out the doors for the inauguration, my heart jumped, and tears were in my eyes. Tears of relief and joy. I didn’t realize how much it had been affecting me to have that madman in control of my nextdoor neighbours. I am so happy for you all.

  39. I wonder how the 10,000+ people out of a job today due to the revocation of the Keystone XL permits are breathing today. I wonder how all the young girls Biden forced himself and his creepy whispering and hair sniffing on are breathing today seeing their abuser in the White House. There is video evidence of him doing this numerous times but “oh that’s just Joe, he’s just a touchy-feely kind of guy” amirite?
    In contrast, Biden and his family seemed to all be breathing pretty well while maskless on Federal property mere hours after Biden mandated wearing masks on ALL federal property. Announcement being made by the maskless press Secretary was a nice touch. Optics matter, folks.

      1. So the reality is the President and his family were not wearing masks on Federal property after he mandated that masks must be worn and social distancing was required on all federal property. Makes it appear that the whole forcing people to wear a mask thing isn’t really very important if the man who puts out the mandate requiring them can’t even follow it for a few hours.

        1. The good news for “Julie” is that the new administration is going to expand healthcare coverage, meaning that she might finally be able to get access to the mental health services that she obviously desperately needs.

          1. Thanks “Slaggingham”…I already have fantastic health coverage and also a very healthy grasp on reality.

            I’m under no illusion that the government is doing things in the best interest of our citizens as a whole and I’m certainly aware that many of the policies enacted by the current administration are already having negative effects on our economy and the mental health of millions of Americans.

            People are losing their jobs/businesses/homes/families. Our government wants to send billions of our tax dollars to other countries but makes believe that $1400 will save a United States citizen from financial ruin? (Spoiler alert, it won’t)

            There is nothing wrong with observing and pointing out the hypocrisy of our government or the people who worship at it’s altar. Joe Biden isn’t your savior. Neither is any other political leader of any party. The sooner people realize that, the better off we would be as a nation.

  42. Hello Wil !

    Yes the Trump thing. Let’s forget about that.

    I have been a big fan of yours since seeing Stand By Me in 1993 and reading the book in the same year. I watched Star Trek the New Generation in the early 1990’s while I was in high school. I always liked New Generation. Probably the best Star Trek Series. You did a good job in that show. I have been obsessed with Stand By Me and the book since that time. Sorry to hear you have had problems though.

  43. On January 20th a gigantic weight was lived off the shoulders of the American public. It feels wonderful.

  46. I’ve found a similar sense of relaxation in my neck lately, it just feels so much better and I didn’t even realize I was so tense for this long.

  47. A letter I wrote to my adult daughter, who is bipolar & struggles with suicidal thoughts
    Dear Daughter,

    I am very proud of the way that you handled all that happened to you while working at Walmart. I know that you are a people pleaser, that you don’t like to make waves. However, you pushed through the uncomfortableness of the situation and stood up for yourself. You took care of yourself and your mental health. You reported a person for inappropriate work conversations when it was difficult for you to do so. You did not report the first or maybe even the second incidence of inappropriateness. You gaged the situation. You withstood hurtful personal attacks and protected yourself against future occurrences. When Walmart tried to convince you to stay, you put yourself and your mental health first and said no. You left an unhealthy environment. The fact that they wanted you to stay (and the awards you received) tell you that you were a good worker and that you excelled at the job. You had a replacement job lined up before leaving Walmart. And you left Walmart without burning any bridges.
    You will be faced with situations in your life that will be unhealthy for you, physically and/or mentally. What I want for you is for you to do what you just did. Get out! But not only am I proud of you for getting out; but for how you did it. You accessed the situation. You made a plan. You executed that plan and you did it with maturity and professionalism. This is a win, my child. I am grateful to have you as my daughter.

    Love you always,
    Mom

  48. Hello, Wil.

    As a writer and an ST:TNG alum, I thought you might be cheered by the news that LeVar Burton was named the inaugural PEN/Faulkner Literary Champion:

    https://www.penfaulkner.org/2021/02/02/levar-burton-is-our-inaugural-pen-faulkner-literary-champion/

    I’m the Executive Director of the organization. I’ve been trying to find a way to email you the news, which I suspect you’ll appreciate, but failing that, I wanted to share it here.

    I’m also, as it happens, grateful for all you do, as a writer and a human, to share what you’ve learned and what you’re questioning.

    I wish you all the best. I hope you’ll feel free to contact me for any reason.

    Gwydion Suilebhan

  50. Hi. I just found ur blog.. I watched ur old movie Stand By Me. It was 1986 .
    Btw, I am from Malaysia..

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