I worked on something wonderful today. I can’t wait to share more about it, when the time comes.
I had such a good time. I improvised bits, tried on different hats with the character until one fit just right, and then played with the hat. The director encouraged me to amuse myself, which resulted in a couple of surprising, hilarious, special moments. (Directors: thank you for supporting us and creating a safe place to be weird).
It was a long session, and I’m a stander (as opposed to a sitter) in the booth, so that takes its toll on my –motherfucker i hate saying this– fifty year-old body. But the performance had its demands (and rewards) too.
The thing is, I knew my strength was depleted when I left the session. My physical body was like, “Dude, you gotta ease into this. We’ve been doing a lot of sitting down.” What I didn’t find out until I got home about half an hour ago is that my mana was absolutely wiped. I discovered this when I excitedly took all the inspired, creative energy, the validation and satisfaction of a job well done, the absolute joy of being part of something I’m excited and proud to be part of, and I POWERED into my desk, ready to get to work on the writing thing I mentioned last week.
FUCK YEAH LET’S DO THIS!
open libreoffice and the fingers are in the home row and let's g-
That’s when the DM who is running my life tapped me on the shoulder and gently shook their head as they said, “You need, at minimum, a short rest.”
“Yeah, but I–“
“Minimum. In fact, even with that, you will make all creative decisions at a penalty until you have a long rest. Don’t be mad at me. I did not write the rules.” They gestured toward their dice. A subtle but clear threat.
Idiot that I am, I insisted that I make a saving throw to see if I could recover temporary mana just for this one thing. I cited a rarely used section of the rules, as one does in desperate times. I cross-referenced a 1986 article in the official magazine.
“I multiclass as a Healer / Bard, right? What if the Bard whose mana comes from charisma is wiped, but the healer whose mana comes from wisdom, may have a little something left in the tank? The bard could kind of rest while the healer does his thing?
The DM allowed it!
Imagine a d20 rolling as slowly and dramatically as you have ever seen. Use every trope: it lands on 1, it tilts to 12, back to 1, keeps rolling, tumbling across the table … is that a 15? A 5? Why didn’t I ask what the DC of the roll was? FUCK FUCK FUCK it’s almost at the edge of the table and
It hits the pen I use when I write in my notebook, kicks off back towards me, and settles on the number 19.
“How about 19? Does 19 work for you?”
Turns out 19 IS enough, when you aren’t murdering Eladrin in acid pits, Chris Perkins! ha ha boom gottem.
So here we are. You’re all up to date, and I’m glad you’re here.The Bard is resting, and the Healer is ready to write something. I wonder what I’ll blog about now.
This space here? This space represents me starting and deleting a lot of ideas, until
Oh! Okay. I got it. Here we go.
I once saw this thing that said “Be here now.” I feel like it was an album title for a band I didn’t like. Or maybe it was an advertising slogan. Maybe I should just look it up. Be right back.
Okay so it’s a movie I didn’t see, a book from 1978 I didn’t read, and a LOT of “Live, Laugh, Love” style samplers.
That Gen X part of me who dismisses everything and barely musters a “meh” if you really push him to reply to you dismissed that sentiment without any thought. “I am here now, stupid. I’d like to be literally anywhere else BUT here, in your fucking country kitchen from Target, thank you.”
Only today, while I was trying to make that saving throw, I needed a buff. The Healer, remember? So the Healer said to me, “Dude, you’re doing too much. You’re going too fast. You need to sit here in the sun and breathe. You have time. It isn’t even 4:20 (nice) yet.”
So I took some deep breaths. And the sun felt GREAT on my skin. I noticed the parts of my body that were warmer than others. I noticed how my black T-shirt was warming up and passing that warmth to my torso. I just sat there and didn’t worry about being anywhere else.
“Aw, fuck.” I said out loud. “I just got what ‘Be here, now,’ means, and I actually like it. I really, really, really like it. Fuck me.” Then I was kind of mad for a minute because it was so obvious, but also because fuck this stupid email signature quote for meaning anything to me, a person of great sophistication and endless Punk Rock. But I forgave myself real quick because I’m tired and maybe a little cranky because I didn’t sleep that great last night.
I got up, took the trash cans to the curb, because it’s fuckin’ Wednesday. On the way, I thought, “You know, I should be here, now, and not in my mom’s car, when I’m 9, going to an audition I don’t want to go to. I should be here, now, instead of watching a multicamera replay of some stupid thing I’m mortified about that nobody else in the world remembers. I should be here, now, with the stupid trashcans on fuckin’ Wednesday, and I should just sit in how good the work felt today. Take the fuckin’ win, man.”
I dragged the final can to the curb and the Healer spoke up. “Hey, instead of the word “should,” et’s reframe it: “You know, I can choose to be here, now … and so on.”
“Aw, fuck me again! That’s really good! It feels so empowering! Nice work,” I thought.
I came back into the house. I felt that warmth slowly leave my skin as I filled a glass of water. It’s in my Who Is Wil Wheaton? glass from Jeopardy. I allowed myself to be there for a quick second, because OF COURSE WE ALL WOULD, and then I was back to being here, now.
I like being here, now. That Gen X part of me? He is rolling his eyes so hard right now. He’s making all these deadpan jokes about how he cant’ wait to see me buy these words on weathered wood from wish.com. And hang them up in my vision room. In his defence, it kills with this extremely specific audience (me, up until I was … older than I want to admit) so you can’t blame him for giving the people what they — excuse me, the person what he wants.
Your values of Here and Now are unique to you. If you haven’t made a choice to be wherever they are for you in a minute, I encourage you to … ugh, I hate this: Be here, now. It feels kinda good, doesn’t it? Like, really take a moment. Feel where you are, and just be only there. Even if you only do it while you count to … try 10. Maybe go up to 20 or 30.
SEE? Stupid slogans actually meaning something that is genuinely helpful. Where do they get the nerve?
Okay, I’ve pushed the Healer as far as he can go, today. Now I’m going to go watch my mana refill itself, so I can start charging this thing I am so excited to write.
After a long rest. JEEZE.
My gender dysphoria partly expressed as constant anxiety that made me always want to be somewhere else doing something different than whatever here and now was at the moment. That anxiety disappeared in like a week when I started HRT. I remember lying in bed at one point and feeling like I was comfortably inhabiting my body for the first time. Just lying down and experiencing being. That is my here and now revelation story.
Hi Wil. Are you doing any recharging with tabletop games these days? 2022 was awesome for releases.
I played a few games with my family during the holidays, but I haven’t done anything since pre-pandemic. It’s just been too hard to get people together, commit to something regularly, and set aside the time.
But circumstances are slowly changing, and I hope we’ll be able to play again sooner than later. I miss it.
I had no idea you were my age. And you’re ALWAYS moving. Always working. I feel a bit like I’m so well behind in everything.
I am glad you took a moment to just… be. 12 years ago, when I moved into this house, I had no idea what I wanted to do in the garden. In the process of discovering my love for violin, I got really into wood… and that led to getting really into trees. And now, I have literally hundreds of different cultivars and species of trees in my garden. When I need to take a moment, I will sometimes just go… be in the garden. It’s hard not to look at it as more work on occasion — a weed here, a tree that needs work there. But when I can, I try and just sit still and listen to the breeze in the trees and the birds around, and see the branches sway and the leaves and needles move and, themselves, bask in the light.
It always calms me. I don’t know if it always refreshes me. There’s that demon in my brain that is yelling at me and telling me how much time I’m wasting in my life and how I need to be working and I need to be DOING something or I am a complete and utter failure. And I try and push it away with the brief calm in the garden. It always comes back — often stronger than before. But for that brief moment amongst the trees, I am just… me… with some friends I’ve watched grow with me for a decade, as they get stronger and more resilient.
When I’m gone — chances are in a mad fight with that demon, I hope at least some of the trees remain to remember who I was and that I helped them become who they are. But what comes after my time here is not up to me.
I’d been thinking a lot since I watched the video you recommended on “seasons of”. After searching for just the right word, I landed on this: I want this to be my season of presence. Too much goes by, me with my head down getting through, but not really experiencing. And, at 50, the realization this is all finite is growing daily; what a waste it would be to ‘get through’ a life. Anyway, I think what I mean by presence is just what you’re writing about today. So thank you for sharing; now enjoy a long rest.
Will we get more D&D, Titan’s Grave, or gaming content from Professor Wheaton soon?
As far as content creation goes, not in the foreseeable future. My creative plate is full.
Same with my genX part on liva laugh love crap. But…be here now is really a pretty eastern thought. Throw away the western sales veneer and the quote is…meaningful. have a great now, wil 🙂
This was exactly what I needed to read today! Thank you so much for continuing to share your writing with us.
You’re noticing the glimmers. Soak them in. They are the opposite of triggers, and do so much good for you. Let them roll over your tongue until you are satisfied. Meld into your soul and make you feel warm from the inside out. (It’s 4:20, so deal with it, sunglasses)
I’d been thinking a lot since I watched the video you recommended on “seasons of”. After searching for just the right word, I landed on this: I want this to be my season of presence. Too much goes by, me with my head down getting through, but not really experiencing. And, at 50, the realization this is all finite is growing daily; what a waste it would be to ‘get through’ a life. Anyway, I think what I mean by presence is just what you’re writing about today. So thank you for sharing; now enjoy a long rest.
I would generally agree with be here now…but I’m 39 weeks pregnant with kiddo #2 and I am so. done. My C-section will be done at this time next week, and I want to be THERE now.
In other news, I’m glad that you found some meaning and comfort from something you would normally dismiss. Rest is important, which is a lesson I think most of us learn the hard way. I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ve got coming down the pipe once your mana isn) restored!
Good luck! My sister is expecting soon, too, so fwiw I’m putting good thoughts out there for both of you!
The kernel of truth in every cliche. Glad you were able to experience it.
I highly recommend Be Here Now by Baba Ram Dass (a.k.a. Dr. Richard Alpert, Ph.D.). Not necessarily as a book of advice, but as a piece of art (for instance, he made a choice to print most of the book on what looks very much like reused grocery bag paper because there was not anything printed on it that required bleached white paper, so why do that to the environment?). Also, as a ride-along through the journey he took from Alpert to Dass.
It’s a cool experience to read through.
Be Here Now is Oasis’ third album, I suspect that’s what you’re remembering. I doubt they’ve got it on weathered wood, even if they have mellowed quite a lot from the 90s.
I really wanted to be the first person to leave this comment, but I figured someone else would also know it. Be Here Now was the first CD I bought with my own money. And I paid for it in rolled coins at Future Shop (probably only Canadians will know that store).
There are several thing not parallel to my life within this, but too many that really are and it is eerie in such a comforting and recognizable way. It’s such a good reminder and good advice, and it didn’t get to be cliché for no reason. But fuck cliché, just the same. I paint over those hokey signs completely, and sell my art, and not everyone knows what lies, darkly, (yet warmly?), underneath! Mrah ha ha!
I get to be here, now.
Dude, nice dice! No wonder you’d roll a nat 19 with that. 🎲😲
This is one of my favorite bits you’ve posted in a Very Long Time. It resonates with me on so many levels (despite my unfortunate lack of any actual D&D experience).
Instead of doing a compare-and-contrast with my own life that no one asked for, let me just say that I now feel more inspired to actually try for the saving throw at day’s end. Getting ideas out of my head and into words is vital to my mental health, but I find myself feeling like I’m out of spoons (HP/mana/etc) by the time I’m done with my day job and an evening of parenting a tween, so I don’t even try.
Related to Be Here Now: The speaker at my college graduation (BGSU 2001) chose as the theme for his address, “Laugh often and much.” The Gen-X graduates didn’t really vibe with it so well, and it’s been a running gag between myself and my husband ever since.
Thanks again for this one, Wil.
I made a t-shirt that said “This Is Me” because I loved the song, and I figured a lot of other people loved the song, and because I thought it was hilarious to wear a t-shirt that said “this is me” (who else would be in my t-shirt?)
But then when I wear it and I look in the mirror, I find it’s this amazing body-acceptance exercise. It’s not ironic at all, or meta. This is me. The lady in the shirt. When other people think about me? They think about this lady, because this is me. So instead of fighting my body, or hating my body, I should accept it, love it, work on it if I want, but there’s no fighting it.
What I’m saying is–been there. But if it works, it works. I guess I’ll go be here now. #GenXEyeroll
Snort, I love it when you listen to your inner Shaman – THAT is who your healer is. Look it up. Ypu played one on SNG, remember?
Frankly, if that idea turns out even half as well-written as this blog post, it will be amazing.
Glad you are able to begin being HERE instead of back there in the past where it doesn’t matter how many times you replay the scene it never changes. The past is over, your here is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
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This is one of my favorite bits you’ve posted in a Very Long Time. It resonates with me on so many levels (despite my unfortunate lack of any actual D&D experience).
Instead of doing a compare-and-contrast with my own life that no one asked for, let me just say that I now feel more inspired to actually try for the saving throw at day’s end. Getting ideas out of my head and into words is vital to my mental health, but I find myself feeling like I’m out of spoons (HP/mana/etc) by the time I’m done with my day job and an evening of parenting a tween, so I don’t even try.
Also, related to “Be Here Now”: The speaker at my college graduation (BGSU 2001) chose as the theme for his address, “Laugh often and much.” The Gen-X graduates didn’t really vibe with it so well, and it’s been a running gag between myself and my husband ever since.
Thanks again for this one, Wil.
The cinephile in me who will watch almost anything at all needs to know – what’s the movie you came up with as a point of reference for “Be here now?”
This sounds like what some folks in the Zen Buddhist world call a Kensho experience, if you want a cool name for it. It’s an initial insight you have to grok before moving on to deeper understanding (of the nature of reality, yourself, the universe, yourselftheuniverse, etc.) Even taking out the garbage can be a profound experience, if you’re just there with taking out the garbage.
Imagine how a Zen Master sees the world, or one of those Traveler guys from Star Trek. 🙂
Every day, I do my best to be the Traveler I need in the multiverse.
Thank you for Kensho.
Thank you 🙂
Negative self-talk and should’s are one of my challenges. I really appreciate the thoughts and philosophy you put out in the universe. The Bard/Cleric multiclass makes me think of Patch Adams, and creating that wonderful healing energy.
I’m really happy for you that things are going well. To be honest, when you framed the situation around a die roll, specifically a d20 roll, my mind went to lots of episodes of Tabletop and I did not think it would end well. I please to see that your dice curse appears to only work with physical dice. Best wishes man.
Since you brought up Jeopardy, I’ll note that I was catching up on it last night and thinking of you. I have no idea how far in advance those things are filmed, so if the finals haven’t been filmed yet, good luck. If they have, I know that you can’t comment on results but you still have my good thoughts and the if/then:
Won: Major Congrats! You got all that money for your charity!
Lost: Hey, it’s still great. You still got a LOT of money and did good in the world. And you got to be on Jeopardy. That’s not nothin’.
This 62 year old long time fan, is loving that you can be here (and you) now.
It is one of the tenets of mindfulness. Practicing to be here, now, in this moment, observing it. Not spinning yourself up about all the horrible things that could happen or did happen. Apple offers a “mindfulness for stress reduction” class and I didn’t take it for a while because I worried it would be to out there for me. Eventually I decided I needed to do something about all this stress and it was such an amazing experience.
I was just thinking today about what restores me. I had a hard time coming up with an answer. But walking my dog was one thing. I think I’ll go do that. But yes. We should try to be in the now. It’s hard, though. But reframing as “can choose to” instead of “should” is a heloful notion. Thanks.
I wrote something yesterday and could have sworn I posted it, but it was 4:20 (nice) so maybe that’s why.
You’re noticing the glimmers! The opposite of triggers. Warm sun. A hot breeze. The way my kids laugh. Those little moments that give you a spark of happiness. A tingle. Let it simmer and soak in. Notice the glimmers and absorb them. They bloom happiness. It’s an element of being Here. Now.
“…me, a person of great sophistication and endless Punk Rock.”
I am 100% stealing this for conversations with friends, who will laugh heartily and believe me the wittiest human alive for the 4 seconds it takes before I break down and give proper attribution.