I’ve been open and unashamed about my mental health struggles and triumphs, always willing to talk about my CPTSD, always willing to supportively listen when someone chooses to share their experience with me.
I make this choice every day, because I am doing my best to be the person I need in the world. I need people who are kind and compassionate, who are willing to share their struggles and victories in a way that validates my own experiences. I make this choice so that maybe I can be the person I need, for someone I will never meet, the way people like Jenny Lawson, or Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade were for me, when I was beginning my healing journey.
It’s in that spirit that I’m writing today. This is sort of a general update on how that journey is going, and a look at where I am, with some thoughts on how I got here.
So, broadly and generally speaking, I’m doing great! I mean, everything in the whole world is terrible, but the little bit of reality that’s being rendered around me at any given moment is pretty great. I’m healthy and safe, my family is healthy and safe, I have all the work I need, I have time and space for activities.
But … the chaos, cruelty, rage, and unpredictability coming out of the White House is identical to what I experienced growing up1 and holy shit has that activated a lot of stuff for my body to remember.
For the two weeks or so that preceded Sunday, I woke up to intense anxiety every morning, before I was even fully awake and aware of anything. It was really unpleasant, but at least I knew that it was nervous system dysregulation2, and I have a lot of skills I can use to help my nervous system get back into a parasympathetic, resting, state. I’m grateful that I know what to do, but my god did I wish I didn’t have to do it every morning at the start of my day.3
Then, Sunday, I woke up like Frodo in Rivendell, and I have, every morning since. I don’t feel tight and clenched in my chest. I haven’t sweat through my pajamas and woken up shivering. I have had peace and warmth and gentle calm.
And the thing is, I didn’t know when this would happen, but I knew that it would. This sort of nervous system freakout thing tends to happen when I’ve been working hard to reprocess one or more specific traumas, and I’m really close to closing a circle on my imaginary trauma healing watch. It’s like my body doesn’t realize, yet, that I’m safe and I’m now, and it needs to be gently coaxed out of dysregulation.
I’ve closed a few metaphorical circles over the years since I started EMDR and IFS therapy, and I have had some version of this experience each time. When it does, I imagine a drawing of my body, like from one of those old Disney SCIENCE IS FUN cartoons. In some places, there is fear and anxiety.4 In others, confusion5. Depending on how old I am in the drawing, there’s anger and resentment6. And all around these memories, connected to each of them, is sadness and loss. Over time, as I’ve worked so hard to heal from the abuse of my emotionally immature, toxic parents, those pieces I see in the drawing have faded away, eventually joining together in lingering loss and sadness.
And honestly, I’m okay with that. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to acknowledge the loss. I hasten to clarify that this took literal years of work. When I first began to see all the sadness, it was like looking into infinity. When I first felt the enormity and profundity of the loss, it was free falling into an abyss. There were a lot of stops and starts as I learned how to regulate it, how to reprocess it in a way that wasn’t overwhelming.
Again, not easy. Again, years. Again, worth it.
Now, listen, I am not a doctor and I have no professional experience or education. I’m just sharing my experience. But if you see something familiar, I encourage you to look into what nervous system dysregulation is, and learn some of the techniques we use to calm our bodies down when they aren’t on the same page as our mind, our soul, our Self.
A few resources I value include
- Dr. Nicole LePera, the Holistic Psychologist
- The book The Body Keeps The Score
- The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
- The YouTube channel Therapy in a Nutshell
- EFT Tapping. This is the weirdest thing ever. When I first heard about it, I thought it was bullshit. I don’t know why or how it works, but it’s been PROFOUND for me in many cases. YouTube has some good follow-along guides, but a fuckton of grifter wellness woo woo bullshit. Just use good judgment and common sense. Like, you aren’t tapping your way to riches, guys.
There’s a somatic component to emotional healing and trauma recovery that I didn’t expect. It’s only recently that my emotional self and my physical self have started to work in harmony, and that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t know that the somatic part existed. It’s taken such a long time, and though the work is ongoing, I hope that someone who needs to know that they aren’t alone sees this. I hope this helps on your own healing journey.
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Take care of yourselves, friends, and take care of each other.
- My father’s rage, my mother’s fear, and the tension between them was so thick in the air, it was suffocating. I never knew what was coming down the hallway, or through the front door. Would dad be mean to me, or would he just ignore me? Would mom and dad fight so ferociously that it ends with my mom kicking another hole in another cabinet? We’re running out of towels to hang over the ones that are already there. I’m going to put headphones on and turn them up as loud as they can go because that’s the only way to escape the yelling and arguing that vibrates through the walls into my bedroom. ↩︎
- For decades, I had panic attacks every night when I was falling asleep. More often than not, I had night terrors, these vaguely remembered nightmares that had no images or other senses associated with them, just pure terror. When it was really bad, they happened more than once a night and the only reason I stayed asleep was after I’d cried myself to sleep in exhaustion. Trying to escape them was a big part of my alcohol abuse. I’m so grateful that doesn’t happen anymore. ↩︎
- And it still kind of lingered with me throughout the day, you know? It was a lot. ↩︎
- Oh, imagine that Professor Duck guy, giving a lecture at a chalkboard. ↩︎
- Why is he so mean to me? Why won’t she just let me be a kid? Why won’t they love me like they love my brother and sister? ↩︎
- Or, there was. The healing ring I am most proud of closing, the one that was the key to closing so many others, was this one. When I realized that my anger was no longer a shield that protected me, but something else entirely that only caused me pain, it was astonishingly easy to find it, coax it out, validate it, and send it on its way. There isn’t any anger in my drawing now. Where it used to be is something that is almost indifference. ↩︎
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Thank you for sharing both your experiences and the resources.
Thank you for being so open about your healing journey. As a fellow sufferer of C-PTSD, your posts are invaluable, particularly on days like today where I’m struggling a bit more. Like you, most of my days are good ones these days, but this administration has been reminding me so much of childhood, which makes some days hard. Thank you for reminding me that these things come in cycles. It also helps me remember to use the various tools I have in my tool box of coping skills. So thank you for sharing and thank you for being you.
Thank you for sharing that with us, Wil. I allow myself healthy crying sessions, something I utterly refused to do as a younger man. It’s helped me immeasurably. Glad to see your healing is also happening. 🖖
Thanks for the links. I’m not having panic attacks, yet anyway. But i have so much anger and constant clenched jaw. I feel so disillusioned by what has happened to the strides and progress that I guess I thought permanent.
Thank you for your bravery in being vulnerable to share your journey with us…. There’s do many out there quietly maybe even shamefully battling these same things. To speak it takes away its power. Thank you.
I recommend The Body Keeps the Score to everybody who will listen. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable! I know I certainly appreciate reading about your thought process and seeing you thrive after all you’ve experienced. 💖
I’ve always admired your willingness to be vulnerable to your readers. You give hope where it may have been missing. I’ve had EMDR therapy and it’s incredibly intense but very effective. I’m glad you’ve worked with someone who knows what they’re doing because it can have an adverse effect if done with no insight or talent. I hope your growth continues for the rest of your life – we’re never done, or a finished product. There’s always more work. But when you begin to enjoy the fruits of your labor, that’s when life can be sweet. Hugs
No matter what the Angry Orange or his minions do, there IS love in the world. And you are one of the many who raise the banner proclaiming it. I hope you TRULY know all that love comes back to you, too. As a single mom of a son, I would give so much to go back in time just to give you a hug and an ear and the attention you needed and deserved. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I am so proud of you and all that you’ve done since I first saw you in Stand By Me. (Yes, in a theater. Yes, I just dated myself. 😉 You’re an amazing man, Wil Wheaton. Even if you do ruin relationships just to win a bowling tournament. ;-D
As always, you, sir, are an inspiration. It never fails that when I am struggling with my own past traumas that you post something that assures me I’m not alone. It’s hard for me to allow myself to go into details on the interwebs, but, I see you, and I feel seen nonetheless.
Thank you, I appreciate you.
Every time you post something like this, I just want to say thank you. Having an example of someone going through their own mental health concerns and being open and unapologetically open about it makes it just a little easier to deal with my own.
I’m currently in a PHP program because of my struggles and trauma, learning about DBT and CPT and so many other acronyms and ways of working through it.
So, thank you. I wish you peace.
Can you be proud of someone you don’t know and doesn’t know you? If so, I am proud of your journey and success. If not, I am impressed with it
I would like to also suggest DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) for those with bipolar disorder or a few other brain chemical influenced disorders. The right chemical cocktail and DBT literally saved my wife’s life and our marriage. She still has bad days, and the cocktail has some negative side effects including loss of her “muse” (she was an artist, but is not feeling it) and libido, but she no longer wants to die every day, and has some new goals in her life, and can enjoy what life does bring her. Along with treatment for my own anxiety and depression, I can say that we are now comfortable in our life, and looking forward to the adventure of retirement in a few years.
I also live with C-PTS, and have been struggling with (waves hand around wildly) ALL THIS as well. (And I don’t even live in your country – I can’t imagine how I’d be with my life that directly impacted.) The trick, it seems, is to remember that we now have those tools to calm our nervous systems… and remember to use them in the moment. Some days are better than others, but we just keep doing our best to come back to centre. Thanks, as always, for speaking up – as I know you know, you’re doing so much to help those who can’t just yet.
Thanks for sharing this. I struggle with CPTSD also. This is helpful.
Thank you for posting this. Thank you for sharing parts of your journey. It’s long fight and a hard fight and it helps so much to know that I’m not the only one dealing with similar things. For so long I was sure that no one had ever had to deal with what I was having to deal with (self-absorbed I know) and one of the things that helped most back in the darkest days was finding people who could empathize and tell me that they knew what I was going through.
I’m happy for you that the circles are closing, that the bad stuff is being left in the past. That’s huge and that’s wonderful and that’s testament to your hard work and endless strength in refusing to let the bad things dictate any more of your life.
PS: The Body Keeps the Score was a total game changer for me too.
I second The Holistic Psychologist on the tubes. Not only are her emotionally immature parent videos spot on but her body hacks do seem to work. I had heard that tapping was not complete bullshit, so I’m interested in looking at the video you link above. I feel you, man. Just got a cortisol dump from dealing with my own parent, so I think I’ll go take a look at those.
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing everything, especially what’s working for you. My anxiety and depression got a lot worse after the pandemic started, and even though I’m on better medications now and have been working with my therapist, I still have at least low-level anxiety most days, thanks to gestures at the entire planet. Especially having a constantly lying, self-aggrandizing narcissist in the news CONSTANTLY. I’m finding some techniques that work to help regulate me a little better, but it’s a process and I’m always looking for new non-woo woo things to try. (Really spicy food can help distract me and calm me down from a panic attack. Wasabi almonds? Super tasty, great source of protein, and a good way to calm myself down. WIN-WIN!) High five, Wil!
My favorite EFT person is Brad Yates. Very straightforward; frequently teases out the subtle aspects of a given issue, has a sense of humor. And, you can change your beliefs and trauma around money in the same way as you can about other issues….it’s not so much about “tapping your way to riches” as you say, as dealing with the issues around money. And, as you decided EFT was B.S. & subsequently changed your mind, how do you know that you CAN’T “tap your way to riches”…? 😉 It’s possible that you are limiting yourself unnecessarily…a lot of what we get in life (great relationships, fulfillment, etc) depends on how much we can allow. Great post! I am impressed by your courage.
As always, thanks for sharing, Wil. Hooray for things being good, and Hooray for getting through what you needed to. Victory!
I can’t really put it into words, but I’ll try: I’m a stone, in a center, and your words are making me resonate.
I didn’t know I needed them.
Thank you.
Thanks for sharing. I have been trying to be open about my struggles with depression and anxiety. I found that trying to keep it hidden didn’t serve me and wasn’t doing a lot to help anybody else either. I’m glad that there seems to be a change in society that these struggles aren’t something to be embarrassed about or kept hidden. I’m happy to be a part of that change. And I thank you for helping lead it. I admire you and appreciate you.
As we pulled into the driveway we would feel it. A malevolent miasma oozing from the house. We knew my father was in one of his moods. The one where he was waiting for one of us to step out of line so he could pick on us, belittle us, make us fear him.
You never forget that feeling.
25 years of NC, apart from a brief time recently when I reconnected for my own peace of mind. He hadn’t changed, even though he tried to hide it for a time. I have no regrets going NC. I have no regrets reaching out. I have no regrets going NC again.
I have harmony and love in my life.
I wish love and joy to yourself and everyone else who has to recover from a toxic person.
Oof. This is so familiar. I’m so sorry. I see you.
Thank you for always being honest with us all and for sharing with us your moments, be it moments of triumph or struggle. You are heard.
The tapping thing gave me pause. I was doing online therapy for a few months and tapping was suggested. I tried it, but it felt foolish. I couldn’t imagine how it could possibly help and I gave it up very quickly. Based on your comments, I’ll look into it more and see if it’s something I should pursue.
Same for me, when I first tried it. If it matters, it clicked for me when I decided to not look for results, or judge myself. I was like, “I’m just going to do this, and I’m going to talk to myself the way I talk to the people I love the most. That’s it.”
Wil,
You and I seem to have come from similar parental influences. My father, a raging Borderline personality and my mother, a classic Narcissist, had an enormous influence on my inner state. It was an impetus toward my searching out IFS and to become an IFS therapist, which was the last credential I earned in a long career (45 years) as an Integrative Healer. My primary client? Myself. I wanted to share with you the resource of Biodynamic CranioSacral Therapy. To my knowledge, it is the only hands-on technique to have the elemental, permanent impact of regulating a disregulated nervous system. A certified BCST practitioner has also received training in Somatic Experiencing, a modality in Trauma Resolution, learned and practiced within the guidance of the somatic (bodily) experience, developed By Peter A. Levine. <biodynamiccraniosacraltherapy.org>
<traumahealing.org>
I certainly hope you have already, or will consider the potential for exploring this healing option. On another note, I’m retired now, but am still sought out by, and respond to, others who have walked a lifelong path of healing the CPTSD that has been a continual companion on that path. I would welcome any contact with you, Wil, should you choose to be called to do so. A knowing Compassionate Witness to our experiences can be very valuable. For confidentiality reasons, I have avoided creating a robust online presence. Regardless, I’m happy to answer any questions or provide references about my experience and background as an Integrative Healer.
Many Blessings 🙏🏼,
Beth Stein
I appreciate your openness in discussing this part of your life. I have recently benefited from therapy helping me with so many parts of my journey. I wanted to thank you personally for posting after the devastating election results last year. I had lost my father unexpectedly in October, lost my mentor and foundation at work immediately after, and then had an incredibly negative outcome with a group I’ve volunteered with for 10 years leading me to just being lost. At the impact of the election I felt so lost. And you posted about reducing social media and spending time with your family and that really was what I needed to hear at that point in my life. I stopped volunteering with the group that wasn’t a good fit for me anymore, I reduced my social media intake, and I refocused my efforts on safeguarding myself and my family for the times coming. Like you our little pocket of reality is doing well and I am grateful for that. Therapy has led me to not accept a toxic work environment and not apologize for prioritizing my needs–I’m starting a new awesome opportunity at the end of the month and I am so grateful.
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your perspective and the awesome projects you bring into this world. Wish you well in everything and I am so happy for you and the personal victories you are achieving. You are a wonderful human role model.